I'm not a bad writer I swear

So I’m a veteran fantasy reader and I can’t believe I’ve never asked this question before.

How do the characters wake themselves up in the morning? Do they have like fantasy alarm clocks or something? Can they cast spells to wake themselves up with some bird call? 

How are you supposed to come up with expletives when there is no God to use his name in vain? When the concept of hell does not exist in your book? 

I’m a complete romantic I love it soooooooo much but I HATE writing romance it makes me cringe so much.

Listen up you rag tag bunch of corn farting duck melons I have a piece of enlightening information I have recently learned that I feel I must share with you. 

(Only because none of my friends have responded to me because the last piece of enlightening, and frankly life changing, news I shared with them was a really bad pun that I thought was hilarious at the time, but I have recently learned the error of my ways)

I was googling ways of murdering animals and found out the plural of ‘beef’ is ‘beeves’ and now I can’t stop imagining a butcher called Jeeves naming his meat shop Jeeves Beeves.

I came up with a cool plot twist and the writer in me is going ‘do it you coward, DO IT’ and the reader in me is pleading with me not to because IT’S BREAKING MY HEART JUST THINKING ABOUT IT.

I just spent the last twenty minutes trying to decide what sound something makes when it hits a bed.