Ace Tumblr is part of the reason I struggled so much with my identity.
when I discovered the community I was at the ripe old age of 12 years old and I was terrified of sex at the time and (as I was too young to be feeling sexual attraction) I took on the ace identity. this caused a lot of problems down the road.
Ace Tumblrās statement that āyouāre never too young to know youāre aceā convinced me that I was asexual (when Iām actually a lesbian). I was too young to feel sexual attraction and the ace community convinced me that I never would feel it.
Ace Tumblr made me feel awkward and anxious about relationships (so much that the first time someone tried to kiss me I had an anxiety attack). they āotheredā me from lgbt people and straight people alike and I felt really alone. I wished so badly that I wasnāt so wierd, that I could just be ānormalā.
as I got a little older and matured, I changed to the graysexual label. I was just starting to feel sexual attraction and things were very confusing so I only recognized it rarely.
then I changed to the demisexual label, bc I developed a horrible crush on my best friend (at the same time as a vital few months of puberty). I thought I only felt attraction for her bc we were such good friends, not be she was a girl. I literally started disregarding my feelings for any other girls bc āI canāt think sheās hot. Iām demisexual and I donāt know her.ā I let my (wrong) identity cloud my judgement and I only ended up confusing myself.
multiple sexual identity crises later (from demi pan to pan ace to ace lesbian to pan lesbian (yikes) to demi pan lesbian (double yikes) to demi lesbian and finally to lesbian), I stopped letting Ace Tumblrās definition of sexual attraction, āseeing someone and wanting to fuck themā, cloud my judgement. I didnāt wanna fuck anyone at the age of 13 so that means I must be ace right ?? and y'know, not just too fucking young to be thinking like that ??
Ace Tumblrās definition of asexuality is so gross. it extremely sexualizes minors. I felt so othered bc I thought all the other 13 year olds walked around looking at people and wanting to fuck them and I felt so scared that someone could look at me like that. Ace Tumblr had me convinced that all ānormalā 13 year olds thought about fucking their friends and that terrified me of being affectionate with anyone. I wouldnāt let anyone touch me for 6 months straight bc I felt so scared and dirty every time someone did.
any thought I had about sex (even completely scientific questions) made me feel so gross. I almost threw up every day of sex ed. I was curious and looked up porn once and I sat on my bedroom floor and cried for an hour afterwards bc I was so disgusted with myself. Ace Tumblr has so traumatized me that I still get grossed out with myself for masturbating sometimes. and I hate it bc I know that masturbating and thinking about sex is normal, but Ace Tumblr had me convinced that I was gross and one of those ādirty allosā.
not to mention that the split attraction model actively contributed to my internalized lesbophobia. I thought I might be a lesbian but ace me didnāt want to be one of those ādirty allosā so I identified as homosexual ace for as long as I could. and then when I knew I couldnāt deny my attraction anymore, I switched to demisexual lesbian. but guess what ?? Iām a fucking lesbian. I think about having sex with girls !! and I like it !! Iām not some ādirty alloā Iām a normal lesbian teenager !!
Ace Tumblr is so fucking toxic and Iām so glad Iāve separated myself from it tbh
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