𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆,

of been feeling this way for a while

of telling myself

lying to myself

that im strong enough

of knowing that im not

of missing the sun

of feeling like i dont deserve to see it

of feeling the stares everywhere

of wondering when reality stabalizes

of knowing everything but nothing at the same time.

im just tired of walking down a path that i was pushed onto

of knowing at the end of it I wont look back

i wont feel proud

im tired of looking behind and only my blood, tears and fingernails left and dried on the trail.

so.... im just sitting now. not wanting to get up. people pass me by, but for once im not rushing to catch up.

im sorry.

i know.

i dont know.

somebody always slips up and says the truth

lies act like dirty and used bandaids that you took off somebody eles wound and gave it to me.

it stopped their bleeding, so u think itll ease my pain.

after time, it falls off and i see that it was just a lie.

now im even more infected and the wound is even more grotesque.

skin once smooth and soft now turned into this ugly, oozing patch of bacteria.

you didn't know it was tht big of a deal.

and ur sorry.

and i forgive u.

could u help me heal?

because its so bad i can't walk on my own anymore.

just to feel what its like to lose it all.

what was the point?

of kindness

of love

of trust?

when it meant nothing.

that it would all just fall into place now.

no.

everywhere i go people look at me like with a stare.

with this look of knowing.

like everyone knows something that i dont.

they say things that dont make sense in reality.

and i cant respond because then reality would punish me.

everywhere i walk, peple just talk.

i dont think i am real.

i feel like a fictional character come to life and everybody has seen my show.

read my story.

sure it may be over, but it will never be over in my head.

im crippled.

im a husk.

everything about me--my souyl: it feels stolen and destroyed.

i dont know anything.

I was promised tomorrow, but for the price of the present.

do you ever just feel the pain everywhere?

I can’t do anything with them.

loml fell asleep next to me. he’s done it probably a thousand times already before. But, idk… things have been so exhausting lately and it’s nice to see him finally get some rest…

& to be w/ someone so freakin sick and beautiful, & to know they can feel safe next to u is such a special feeling :,3