the end of my rope

Aoife was stirring slightly, but still humming her little snores, so Sutton went into Will's room and found her favourite sweatshirt of his. It was green and had some Muggle company, Jack Wills, on it, and it was warm and soft, and it smelled like him still, which is why Sutton never wore perfume anymore, because she didn't want to lose that last piece of Will she had... just in case. It was Saturday, which meant she got to take Aoife down and sit with Will all day while finishing her class work that she hadn't completed the night before. After her breakdown, the nurse made her sit down and figure out a better routine, and things were getting easier. She slept more, she didn't have the nightmare nearly as often, and for the first time in a long time, she was smiling again. 

Snuggled in the hoodie that was way too big for her, she decided for the first time since Will was hurt, she would do her hair. Aoife was still asleep, so she pulled out her curler and set to work, going through the motions that were so familiar it was surprising. She smiled at her reflection and then opened the drawer with all of her makeup in it and put it on. She hadn't felt so much like.... herself, since before Will was awake. 

She heard a little yawn behind her and turned to see Baby Aoife wiggling around in her bed, smiling her big smile. You could barely see a little white pressing against the gum where her two bottom teeth would be. The two on top had already pressed out and when Sutton saw that the first time, she cried because Will was supposed to be the one to see that, and he wasn't. Then Aoife has touched her cheek and Sutton smiled down at her, trying to stop the tears. 

"Ready to go down and see Daddy?" Sutton said, lifting her up and spinning her around. Aoife giggled and a smile spread across her cheeks. 

"Da-da!" She squealed, and Sutton smiled at her, hoisting her up onto her hip, as they headed down, Sutton's books floating behind her. On their way there, she smiled at everyone she came across. It was time to be happy again. She just wanted that. She had to believe that Will would get better. She had to be patient. Because he had too much to live for, and he'd wake up. People looked almost... surprised to see her smiling and waving, and it made Sutton feel bad, because she had a reputation to uphold, as Head Girl and she let all those people down. She was in a bad place for a long time. But she had pulled herself out of that dark hole, it was a struggle, but she had done it. She was more thankful than anyone would ever know at the overwhelming understanding that the student body had for her. And now she was going to kick it into high gear to be there for everyone again. 

When they got there, Sutton pulled up a chair and dropped her bag on the bed by Will's knees while Aoife crawled around in the crib that the nurse had made for her. The poor woman had fallen right into Aoife's little trap of giggles and smiles. She was in too deep now. Sutton smiled, because everyone loved the little baby. It was impossible not to, really. She stood at the end of the bed and took off his socks, replacing them with a different pair, because she did that every day. She wasn't sure why, to be honest, but it was just something she did. Maybe because it was something someone who was awake would do. 

"Hmm. Potions first, I guess." She said. Nobody but the nurses, was in the room, and it's not like the nurses would judge her. They were just happy to see the cup of Sutton's 'Happy Tonic', as she had taken to calling it, get smaller every day. 

She set to work on the paper, and when she was done, she leaned back in her chair. 

"You know, it kinda sucks now, finishing a paper, because when you were awake, you'd always kiss me every time I finished an assignment. Now here I am, just worked my butt off, and you aren't gonna kiss me. Dumb. You are going to owe me a shit ton of kisses after you wake up, you know that? And I was also just thinking that this is the longest I've ever talked to you without you interrupting me with your kisses. You always do that, you know? I'll just be sitting there, not paying much attention to anything, talking about lord knows what, and then boom, you're kissing me. It's infuriating really, because for a while after, I can't even put together a sentence. God if you were awake, I can just see the silly smirk that would be on your face. Then you would probably say something like- 'Well, if you really want to jumble up your brain, I have some tricks.' Or something along those lines, except smoother, because you know I'm not very smooth. And I know you're just gonna do it again when you wake up. I'm not saying 'if', either, because I know you're going to. Otherwise I'll never forgive you." She said. 

She sat there smiling to herself for a bit, and when she closed her eyes, she was able to picture Will laughing at her. He would probably tease her about talking so fast, and for her god awful impression of him. And then she would drop her head and blush, and he would cup her chin and lift her head up, and Sutton would still be looking at the ground because she loved pretending to be embarrassed, mostly because it always resulted in this outcome. Soon after that, he'd bend down to her level and tell her not to hide her pretty face, and of course that would only cause her cheeks to heat up even more. Then, finally, one of Will's hands would wrap around the small of her back, and she would smile because she knew what was coming, then he'd pull her close to him, their chests pressed together, and tell her again that she can't hide her pretty face, and that her blush was adorable, and then after a few seconds, after he held her gaze and melted her heart, his eyes would close, and so would Sutton's and then their lips met. While they kissed, Sutton's brain would scream at her- 'YOU LOVE HIM! YOU DUMBASS YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH HIM! TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM!' but Sutton would just stand there and lift her arms up around his neck, and they would kiss until she needed to stop for a breath. 

She opened her eyes, and her cheeks hurt from the smile spread so widely across her face. 

She pulled her hair back into a braid and smiled. She wasn't sure why talking aloud helped her, because he wasn't going to reply, but it did, so dammit she was going to keep doing it. 

"You know what, I'll talk about the day I fell in love with you. Let's see... I think... It's hard because I love so many things about you. Like, I loved your hair all the way back in Third Year. And I loved your eyes in Fifth Year. And let's be totally honest, I loved your bum, like, every year. But now-now I love your personality, and your heart, and your lips, and your smile, and your body, I love everything about you now. But when did I actually fall in love with you...? Hmm. I think... I think maybe it was that first night we slept together. In the same bed, I mean. I know you know which night it was, because you practically /tortured/ me. And then, you pretended to be all upset because I pretended to be all mad. And then I decided I couldn't keep pretending, so I hugged you, and then you turned around and you kissed me, it was a pretty, soft kiss. Really nice and slow, and I loved it. That wasn't the moment, not really, though it was certainly a big factor. How gentle your hands were on my waist and cheek, even though you could crush me like a bug if you wanted to. But they just barely touched me. Just enough for me to want more. That wasn't the moment either. Then, after the kiss was over, I just tucked my hands under my cheek and you let me sleep right there. On your big, strong shoulder, against your big, strong chest, and I just felt so... happy, and I closed my eyes, and I thought, you know what, if happiness kept you from sleeping, then I'm going to be an insomniac, because you just make me so happy and I don't understand why, because how can one person fill me with so much happiness? I don't get it, but somehow you manage to do it. I just laid there, almost not wanting to sleep, because I didn't want to miss anything, but I did fall asleep, no matter how long I tried to stay up, and then, then when I woke up the next morning was when it happened. I'm sure of it, now. I blinked my eyes a few times and I had no idea what was happening because there was something super heavy on top of me, and I couldn't figure out what it was for the life of me until I realized it was you. It was you holding me close to your chest as tightly as possible, like you never wanted me to leave, and maybe I am making that up because it sounds like some silly romance novel, but that is what it seemed like. And I looked up at you, and you were asleep, and the light from outside was just barely peeking in, but it illuminated your face and I thought to myself at that very moment, oh my god. I love him. I love Will Grey. I love him and he's the most important person to me on earth, I'd die for him. I realized I would do anything you asked me to, and it scared the shit out of me, because why would you love someone like me? But it filled my whole body and I knew I didn't ever want to live without you being a part of my life. And I wanted to scream to the world, and at the same time I never wanted anyone to know. Not because I was ashamed of it, but because I just wanted that to be ours. But I couldn't tell you because I was scared and I knew you'd never love me, and I thought that if the words left my mouth, I'd stop feeling them, so I kept them for myself, which was stupid because I love you. I love you so much." She said. 

The curtains around his bed were closed, but she could see the sky darkening outside. It was almost time for her to leave. She took a deep breath, pushed back a piece of Will's hair, and then she started crying. Softly, though, nothing like her breakdown, nothing that was concerning or anything. She put her face in her hands and cried for a bit longer, because that's what she spent her time doing these days. She reached for Will's hand and put her thumb on his wrist and felt the pulse, and slowed her breathing down to match it. 

"You're gonna be okay. And when you open your eyes, I'm gonna be here and I'm going to tell you that I love you. Because I do. And so does Baby Aoife. And so does the whole school. I don't care what you think. They miss their Head Boy. Aoife misses her daddy... I miss my boyfriend..." 

She laid her head on his chest, listening to his heart beat slowly, weakly in his ribcage.