You've got this

Hey anon. My apologies for taking a while to get to this.

I understand where you're coming from 100%. I know 7 pounds feels like a lot, and I know it's terrifying to see the number on the scale go up.

I'm not sure how long you've been in recovery, but let me just empathize with you here for a moment: When I started gaining weight in treatment, it happened very quickly. Like, so quickly that my nutritionist actually told me that I had surpassed the goal they'd set for me weight wise. My body needed food. Apparently, it needed a lot of it, and it needed it quickly. That was my body trying to keep me alive. Yours is doing the same.

It helped me to think of my body as a unit, almost? The sole reason your body exists is to keep you alive. I saw a TikTok (like 3 years ago, but if I find it anytime soon, I'll put it up here) that was a woman playing different parts of the human body responding to their person going through an eating disorder. As the brain, she was commanding our other vital organs to take nutrients and energy from other places (ie shutting down hair growth, reproductive organs, using fat from other organs, etc.). At the very end, she said something like, "we gotta do whatever it takes to keep our girl alive." and I remember that bringing me to tears.

Thinking of my body doing exactly that, even if it meant hurting itself in the long run, just to keep me alive and going, helped me see a bigger picture. As I punished myself everyday by overexercising and following my food rules, my body was fighting that, trying to keep me afloat. The body I despised and bullied was only doing what it has always done; show me love.

Yours is doing this as we speak. It doesn't matter if you're underweight or not. This is physical proof of your body telling you that it desperately needs what you have been depriving it of. Being underweight in terms of having an ed doesn't really mean a whole lot. (I mean, unless someone is so underweight that it's threatening their life) I know you most likely meant that to tell me that you're afraid of becoming overweight. I totally get it.

You might gain more weight than you are comfortable with at first. That's completely normal. Your body is adjusting to finally being properly fed after however long you were in your active ed. It's going to take some time, but this first bit of recovery will not last forever. Eventually, your body will be able to trust you again, and your weight may change.

And to answer your question, here's what I'd recommend:

Stop weighing yourself, if you can. That'll help alleviate some stress. It might be anxiety inducing at first, but it'll get better, I promise.

Talk to a therapist if you have the ability to do so or are already not seeing one.

If you are unable to speak to a therapist, you could try journalling about your feelings regarding food/your body/weight changes, etc

You could also check out this post of mine . It's a bunch of links to different online ed recovery meetings/groups. (They're all free as far as I know)

You may want to try starting some neutral or positive affirmations (Here's a link to an older post I made in case you need some ideas)

Replace negative thoughts you have about your body with either positive or neutral ones

I've been feeling under the weather lately, to put it lightly, and I decided to go through the "burn out" tag on here. I found your post, checked out your account. I haven't felt this light in weeks. First of all, you are the sweetest, kindest thing ever, the way you respond to asks and support others with eating disorders, the way you've dedicated your account to such a compassionate goal. I like how concisely you put your words, getting straight to the point (clean, direct bullet points sometimes — as... Whatever I am, I fucking love that), while also maintaining such an empathetic tone even through text and being sensitive towards the inquirer.

I've no clue if this account is still active (I didn't really check), but I just wanted to say a collective thank you to you, from everyone who has asked you something or been helped by your posts, for working to become who you are. You're really fucking awesome, and I hope good things come your way and that your recovery goes as smoothly as it gets. ♥️

Hi, anon!

First off, I want to apologize for taking a week or so to get to this!!

Thank you so much for this ask. It honestly brought tears to my eyes. You've just made my week <3 Thank you for taking the time out of your day to send this, I truly appreciate it.

I'm also glad to know the way I format posts is helpful! I myself have inattentive adhd, and I know that sometimes long posts (like the ones I write) can be overwhelming. I try to make things as clean and easy to read and process as possible, so I'm happy you like it!

I'm so sorry you're struggling, and I really hope things get better for you, anon. You're not in this alone ♡

‏Hello friends, I am Yazan from Gaza, asking for help is not easy, I need your help. If you can, please donate to save my life and the life of my family, I am asking everyone to donate a small amount of $5 or $10. This will save me and my family from death and help me cover my travel expenses and rebuild 🍉🇵🇸, if you can't donate please share my story,

This semester has been an absolute nightmare for me, so welcome to the resulting post where I try to help other people who are in the same boat!

How about we run through a quick list together, okay?

Unclench your jaw, relax your shoulders, relax your face, unclench your fists

Are you sitting in the shape of a C right now? *hitting you with a broom* straighten your back out!!

Maybe get up and stretch while you're at it!

Have you taken your meds today? If not, go get 'em.

Have you eaten enough today? Coffee/energy drinks are not a meal!!

What have you eaten today? Do you need to get something to snack on?

Have you had any water today?

Do you need to rest? There is NO shame in taking a nap or relaxing. If someone does shame you, send them my way

How long has it been since you moved from where you are right now? Maybe move to another room if you can.

How long has it been since you looked away from your screen? Take a little 5-10 minute break to rest your eyes :)

How long has it been since you've showered? (No shame in this one either, it's okay if you can't do it. You're not judged here.)

Do you need to get into some fresh, comfy clothes?

If the weather in your area will allow it, can you open a window or go sit outside?

Affirmations:

My grades do not define me

I am more than a grade/a gpa

I am allowed to make mistakes

I am allowed to rest

Taking breaks is necessary for my well being

This semester/school year will not last forever

It's okay to take time for myself

I do not need to be productive all the time

I am capable

I am smart

I do not need to perform to perfection all the time

My mental/physical/spiritual/emotional health is more important than school

It is okay to ask for help

Asking for help does not make me weak or less capable

Assignments should not be valued over sleep/food/self care

If you have the energy, maybe try some of these:

Reach out to a friend/family member/mutual

Change your sheets

Take your trash out

Pick stuff up off the floor if there is anything

Do your dishes/run the dishwasher

Do a load of laundry/put any clothes away

Journal

Schedule any needed doctor's/dentist's/therapy appointments

Leave your home for a little bit

Go do something you enjoy

Create something

Go for a walk

Cook your favorite meal

You are doing amazing, and I'm so proud of you. You can and will get through this. You're not alone <3

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate!

Friendly reminder that you deserve to enjoy your favorite foods. Not just today, but every day.

Friendly reminder that you can set boundaries with your relatives who try to comment on your food/body/serving sizes. You can also get up and leave the room if you want to.

Friendly reminder that it's okay if you need to take a minute away from everyone today. This is a difficult day for a lot of us. You are so strong.

Friendly reminder that your ed voice might be a bit loud today. That does not make your recovery any weaker or mean that you're failing.

Hey, Anon.

I have been exactly where you are, and sometimes still struggle with this. You're not alone.

My childhood best friend is much smaller than I am, and she always has been. I grew up comparing myself to her, and I catch myself doing it all these years later. As we've gotten older, two things have occurred to me in terms of comparing my body with hers:

She and I have very different genetic makeups. I could try every diet in the world and work out like my life depends on it, but I'm never going to look like her. It's just not going to happen. Not only is my family made up of really tall people, but our families are from opposite sides of the world. People are built differently everywhere you go, and that's a beautiful thing.

She's told me within the last year or so that she's uncomfortable in her body as well. She's listed off a few things that I won't put on the internet just for the sake of her privacy, but just because someone has the body we desire for ourselves doesn't mean they're happy with it.

Now as far as your family goes, here's my experience that may or may not be helpful:

my sibling and I both share the same mother and father, and while it's obvious in a lot of ways, we're built differently. They're at LEAST two heads taller than I am, and naturally more muscular.

Yes, we have similar DNA, but we're just different.

As for my parents, I'm a mixture of the two. My father is very tall and naturally skinny, while my mother is about average height and probably naturally average weight for her height.

Comparing your body to your parents and sister may seem like an obvious thing to do because you're related, right? (been there myself)

I know you know this, but both you and your sister are mixes of your parents and every ancestor they have ever had. No matter how much you may or may not look alike, the two of you aren't the same combinations. You're you, and she's her.

When you go everywhere and see people smaller than you, I want you to look a little bit harder. I used to think the same way too, but once I started paying a little bit more attention (i.e., more than just "wow, they're so skinny"), I noticed that the people around me were just average people, just like me. I was the one hyper focused on what everyone looked like. I promise, everyone around you is not smaller than you.

Another thing you could try is noticeably looking for something different about the people you're comparing your body to. My therapist in treatment suggested I look at their eyes because it makes them more human apparently. So notice what color their eyes are. What shade are they? Do you know someone with a similar shade? Or you could try to notice their hair. What color is it? How do they have it styled? etc etc

I'm not 100% sure how to respond to this, and I wrote this a few days ago and left it in the drafts to be sure this is what I wanted to say. I hope this is at least a little bit helpful? If this is not what you're looking for, please feel free to reach out again and spell it out for me 😅 I'm super sick rn and a little bit out of my mind hahaha

Ahh, my apologies! I'm not on discord so I'm not familiar with how it works or any groups or anything. However, I'll get looking and update this asap :)

And on a sorta comical note, did you find that you could eat the strangest food combos in recovery? Sometimes my extreme hunger gets a laugh out of me because sometimes it's like "I NEED a waffle RIGHT NOW." And I'm like "Um...ok I guess? Have a waffle with homemade caramel." And my extreme hunger goes "Splendid. Anyway if we don't lettuce with a can of tuna RIGHT NOW I'm going to combust." Like buddy right after a waffle??? You want tuna after eating a waffle?? You sure?? It may be just a me thing, idk, but I find it really funny. If I were a woman people would probably think that I'm pregnant lmao.

For some reason Tumblr didn't let me know about this ask?? I'm so sorry!

I totally get it though! When I was starting out, I sent asks to recovery blogs for the exact same reason. I'm honored any time someone sends me an ask, so I appreciate it :) (and I'm sorry it took me like 3 weeks to get to this)

Second of all, I'd like to ask if you know of any communities centered around ED recovery. I know of two subreddits, but of them are... really bad. One is not recovery focused and is mostly overrun by pro-ana teenagers who are looking for advice for continuing their self harming behaviour. The other is recovery focused but every post is manually approved by mods and the mods approve like...5 % of posts and you aren't allowed to talk about anything slightly upsetting, even though there's a whole trigger warning flair so idk what's up with that. I feel like there's strength in community and while most of the members of my DBT group have some sort of eating disorder as well, it isn't really the focus of the sessions and we are discouraged from talking about it because not everyone is stable in their recovery.

Third of all, is it normal for extreme hunger to come in waves? I've always heard about it as like...this thing you get for a week or two straight and then you're alright, but after a while of starting recovery, I got extreme hunger for like two days and then nothing. And after a few weeks it was like a day again. Last week I didn't feel hungry nearly at all and didn't eat much, and this week I've feeling super ravenous. Like since Monday I've been feeling like a starving beast of some sort dhdhhdhsb. It isn't even necessarily physical hunger, like, yeah, sure, that too, but sometimes I feel dizzy and hungry and like I'm starving even though there's no physical pain in the stomach area.

Hey!! My deepest apologies for taking so long to respond. Life has been kind of hectic around here 🥲

I did some googling and here's what I found as far as groups go:

(As far as I know, they're all free. I went through all the registries and looked for payment options, and there were none. I haven't used any of them myself, though. I believe most of these take place in the US, so if you're not American, just let me know *if you're comfortable doing so, of course* and I'll look for more!! I did find a few that were taking people from all over the world, and one just for those residing in the UK and one for Australians.)

Eating Recovery Center: This one has a lot of different groups, though you can only be registered for one at a time. They're virtual meetings. I'm not certain if it's limited to those who live in the states or not, but if you live there, you should be able to access it.

Center For Discovery: This one also has a lot of different groups. They're virtual as well.

National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders: This one only has 2 groups, one for those with the disorder, and another for family members.

Project Heal: This one is a list of 30 different groups, separated by category (high-weight and larger bodies, body liberation, lgbtq+, neurodivergent, bipoc, clinicians in recovery, age specific, general support, Spanish speaking, male identifying, meal support, and support for family and friends)

National Alliance for Eating Disorders: Virtual meetings, but not as many categories. If you live in the states, there are a few in person meetings as well. Led by therapists.

The Eating Disorder Foundation: Virtual as well. Lots of different options as far as groups go. (Family and friends, people experiencing binge behaviors, trans and nonbinary, individuals 18+, individuals 50+, neurodivergent, both virtual and in person for lgbtq+ people 18 and older, individuals 30+, individuals 13-17, art journaling, health professionals in recovery, and several other in person groups.)

Beat Eating Disorders: Solely for people in the UK. These are chat rooms. (General support, bulimia support, BED support, anorexia support, ARFID support)

The Lotus Collaborative: Meets on Zoom every Friday 3:00 pm to 3:50 pm PST. Anyone who is working on their recovery journey is welcome to join.

Butterfly Foundation: I believe this is solely open to Australians. However, if you just so happen to live there, they have both virtual and web chat options.

Eating Disorders Anonymous: This one has both in person and Zoom meetings for people who live all over the world. They are location specific, but there are many options.

Eating Disorder (Ana, BED, Mia, & EDNOS) Recovery Support Group *through Facebook*: I'm not a member of this group, but it looks like it shouldn't be harmful. However, since it's private, I sent a request to join to make sure it won't be triggering. I'll delete it off this list if it is. The rules that lead me to believe that it won't be harmful are as follows: "1. No numbers: All numbers related to weight, food, exercise, measurements, etc must be replaced by x/xx/xxxx. 2. No bullying whatsoever. Bullies will be immediately banned without a warning. 3. All pictures must go in the comment section of your post! Selfies and body shots are not allowed! 5. This group is NOT a pro ed group or a pro self harm group. If you support those, this group is not for you." There are 33k members.

Project Heal: This one was already mentioned, but I just wanted to single it out because it's specifically for meal support.

Balance Eating Disorder Treatment Center: This group is titled "Virtual Contemplating Recovery Free Eating Disorder Support Group". They state that if you're asking yourself things like, "Am I sick enough? Do I even have an eating disorder? Can I fix this on my own? Will I ever know a life without the obsession?" you'd be a great fit for this meeting. They meet twice a month at no cost. There is an international option if you're not in America. I wasn't sure if you'd need this one or not, but I wanted you to have the option.

Ana, Mia, and EDNOS Recovery Support Group *through Facebook*: Again, I requested to join this group to be sure it wouldn't be triggering. I'll delete it off the list if it is. There are 27k members. This one has very similar rules to the first one.

(If these weren't what you were looking for, I got a lot of area specific ones in my search *not included in this list*. So if you were to search, you may find some for those who live near you. I searched "eating disorder recovery forum", "eating disorder support forum", "eating disorder support group online", and "anorexia recovery support groups")

Update: I just got into the first group (they seem to work very quickly) and scrolled through the posts a little bit. Everyone looks to be pretty mindful and helpful as well! If you have Facebook, I'd recommend this one!!

To answer the third part of your ask:

My extreme hunger was terrible. Oh my gosh, it was just absolutely wild. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like a starving beast. Mine went on for a few months, if I'm remembering correctly. I remember getting it around October, and it stayed until January -ish? It got so much worse around the holidays 😫. However, I think it's different for everyone.

I remember looking it up and found this (I found it again when I looked it up just now lol) : RecoveryWarriors.com

In case you don't feel like reading it, the author says, "It was the oddest feeling. My stomach might feel full, but I feel an innate calling to keep eating. And eating. And eating. I'd consume huge amounts of food at once and still scrounge for more." She goes on to say, "Extreme hunger is not something everyone recovering from a restrictive eating disorder will experience. However, most will. When you'll experience it and for how long differs, but it is usually a (scary) part of the recovery process."

She continues a little bit later,

"However, it may take quite a while for your hunger levels to go back to 'normal'. There's no way of knowing how long extreme hunger will last. For some people, they may only experience it for a few weeks. Other people may find themselves in a state of extreme hunger for months on end. Or, you may never experience extreme hunger." (Why Can't I stop Eating!: The Truth About Extreme Hunger, Savala)

This article by Registered Dietician, Shena Jaramillo, called Extreme Hunger in Eating Disorder Recovery explains what causes it, the signs, how to manage it, provides coping tools, and might help to answer your question a little bit further.

I only just found this blog and spent awhile reaching your posts and a lot of them really resonated with me. So thank you for that. In a moment of bravery and sleep deprivation I wanted to send an ask.

I have been in serious ana recovery for a little over a year now, eight months of which I spent hospitalized or in a partial hospitalization facility, and the entire time my primary and pretty much only driving force for recovery has been my job. I am a daycare teacher and it is the first and only job to bring me real genuine joy. It was also the wake up call that I needed to actually try to recover because my restriction was heavily affecting my ability to work (energy levels, strength to pick the kids up, etc) And I care about my ability to take care of the kiddos more than anything. Even when I had to miss months of work to try to recover with professional help it felt worth it because I knew when I came back I could be the teacher they deserve. And for a little while it was true, I had more energy and strength and endurance. I was more mentally present and able to focus, I had more patience and honestly I felt like I was feeling the joy of it more deeply.

The problem I’m facing is that with the severe teacher shortage my daycare is now facing the very real possibility of permanently shutting down. This week alone we lost two teachers and now we don’t know how we are going to last through the summer months. The closer we get to what feels like the inevitable end of my job the harder it is to keep the urges at bay. It feels like my only reason to recovery is slipping through my fingers and I don’t know what to do. I know logically I can get another daycare job but it doesn’t feel that simple. I fear at the rate I have been going with relapse, that this will be the opportunity ana has needed to get me fully under again. I fear that I wasted all those months trying to recovery when I could have just been working with the kids and making the most of the time I have left. If my daycare shuts down I likely will never see any of the students again.

I guess I’m looking for advice on how to find reasoning to recover when it all seems to be slipping away? I know the ‘why’ is supposed to be a personal thing but now it’s leaving and I don’t know what’s left. My ‘coping mechanisms’ are what I spent months of treatment trying to conquer and now I don’t know how to deal with all the upcoming change in my life. I know I learned actual skills and coping mechanisms in treatment but the actual motivation to use them aren’t there. I know I have the knowledge I need to recover but I have no Why anymore if my daycare shuts down.

Even now after being in recovery for so long I only have a stable meal plan during the work week and the weekends it all falls apart. I fear that the habits will only grow if I don’t have work helping stabilize me.

The only other thing I have helping in the mental recovery is that after finishing my last round of PHP I adopted two cats. I hoped that they would help inspire me to stay healing as if I get worse enough to the point of needing hospitalization I don’t know who could take care of my cats. So I have a reason to stay out of the hospital because I love my cats dearly and don’t want to have to give them away, however what about the inbetween. There’s so many unknowns and I don’t know how to effectively cope with it and figure out a safe plan.

Any thoughts or help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.

Hi, anon :)

I'm not going to lie, as a nanny, this made me tear up a little bit. Last year I went through my worst relapse to date, and the kids were my reason to get through it as well.

First things first, congratulations on being in recovery for a year! That's amazing!!

When I'm struggling to find reasons to stay in recovery, I focus on the absolute necessities. You've already done that (nice job!!). You said that the kids are the main reason, but the daycare may be shutting down soon. Your cats still live with you and depend on you 100%. Is there anything else that you would hate to have to leave/not be able to do if you were to relapse? Like if you were to leave your friends/family/partner? Or say the daycare doesn't close or you find another job, you won't be able to work if you go back to the hospital. Will you need that money you're missing out on? How will your bills be getting paid? etc etc

Whatever it may be, you need to keep that in the forefront of your mind during meal times, and whenever you need it throughout the day. Make it your phone wallpaper if you have to. You can write a list of things that matter most to you in the world (other than your ed) and look at that when you need motivation to keep going. In the app we used at my treatment center, it had a section for us to put pictures for reasons for our recovery. I put pictures of my friends and family, my dog, and my favorite bands because I wanted to be well enough to see them in concert one day. Looking at those when I was struggling was pretty helpful. You could do something similar. :) If you have to eat your meals at home sitting next to your cats as a reminder that they need you, then so be it.

Next, I'd say that you may want to have a chat with your boss if you haven't already. They might be able to tell you if you should start looking for another job or not. In the meantime, you still have kiddos who need you to be on top of your game, even if your daycare doesn't stay open much longer. Which I'm sorry about, by the way. That sounds very difficult. :(

One part of your ask really stood out to me the more I reread it. You fear you wasted all that time trying to recover, when you could've just been working with the kids and making the most of what time the daycare has left.

For starters, any time at all spent trying to recover is not a waste of time, no matter the circumstances. That's a huge thing to do, and you did it. You should be proud of yourself.

Secondly, I want you to think about what that time would have been like if you weren't in recovery. When I was nannying last year while in a relapse, it was very, very difficult. I had no strength to pick up the kids (like you mentioned), I couldn't run around with them, I wasn't eating while they were eating, and my mind was not there, with them, it was on food. I was simply not performing at my best because I was tired and hungry all the time. Would you have been able to enjoy that time with them if you were actively in a relapse? Would you have been able to keep up with them physically? Would you be treasuring that time or thinking about food/your next meal/your body/etc?

When I got out of that relapse, I realized how much more I enjoyed being with them and doing the things they love to do because I was able to focus on them.

Another thing that jumped out at me was your eating schedule. Are you not doing well on the weekends because you're not at work? If so, maybe think about it like this: You need to be nourished every day of the week, not just 5 of them, for those kids. If you're restricting every weekend, that doesn't put you in the best place to start the week on Monday morning. The kids need you to be nourished even when they're not there <3

I know you mentioned this, but I'd tell this to anyone who was facing a problem like yours. I think you need to start looking for other teaching jobs. Even if you're not applying for them, you still might want to look. That could give you a safety net so there's not much time in between jobs for you to relapse. If there aren't a lot of jobs like yours open, I'd check out nannying websites since you love working with kids. There are always so many people looking for nannies, and some of them are looking to hire quickly.

I really hope this was helpful and I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Hopefully your daycare is able to stay open! <3

You're right that the thoughts will likely be the most difficult part. I often get so caught up on behaviour that I forget that thoughts and emotions are a part of recovery too : ).

In relation to that, did you personally find it difficult to accept that your disordered thoughts are yours? What I mean by that is, I tend to frame my ED as some sort of parasite that has latched onto me and I speak about it in a way that implies that it isn't me or related to me: "The thoughts said-" "I told it to stop" "The thing forces me to-". My therapist said that it's important for me to accept that they're my thoughts in order for me to be able to take control of them and move on. I find it very difficult. I usually don't have problems with accepting my conditions as mine these days, but I find it difficult to accept that the ED thoughts are mine because I find them very mean? I mean, they say things like "You have to be skinny. Who could ever love you if you aren't?" and that's super fucked up towards everyone who isn't skinny. I would like to believe that I don't think that about other people. I feel like accepting that they're mine means that I think so cruelly and horribly about everyone who isn't skinny. You know?

Hi!! :) I'm so sorry for taking a few days to get to this.

That's a very interesting question, and I'm not sure I've ever asked myself that before.

As I'm sitting here thinking about it, I think I see it the same way you do. I feel like I remember hearing something similar to what your therapist said in treatment. However, at least in the program I was in, our eds were their own "voice". I'm kind of confusing myself trying to find a way to word it, so hopefully this makes sense:

In my non-professional opinion, both you and your therapist are right. You're right in the sense that it's not necessarily you that's having these thoughts. It's not the you that you know, the you that the people around you love and adore, it's the eating disorder version of you, and I think that's where your therapist is right.

As someone who's struggled with this as well, I personally do not think that the "You have to be skinny. Who could ever love you if you aren't?" thoughts are yours. I remember feeling guilty because if I felt that way about myself, I must feel that way about other people, right? No. Your eating disorder is yours. While it may be concerned with comparing you to other people, it's probably not worried about other people losing weight to be thin, or thinking everyone should be skinny.

So to answer your question, yes. I did find it difficult. I always knew in the back of my mind that I just felt that way about myself, but I remember seeing ads for fast food and thinking, "Who could ever eat that?" (fully knowing I used to devour it) and feeling like a monster. I think part of me knew that there was a separation in those thoughts, but a lot of the time, I had a hard time believing that the horrible things I was thinking about myself weren't just me.

Plus, I think a lot of the time (or every time) our eds turn us into someone we're not. I became judgmental, secretive, depressed, and angry, which is pretty much the total opposite of who I am as a person. I had a LOT of thoughts during that period of time that I would not have had otherwise, and I still cringe when I think about them. I say that because as far as I'm aware, those thought are totally normal for those of us that suffer with eds. Some people do genuinely feel that way about others, but I don't think most of us do. (This is not me trying to say that you're a bad person. I don't think that at all. I just said it because I thought it may be helpful for you to hear and put into perspective)

The people I've met with eds have all said that what they think and feel about themselves does not apply to others. I've even asked a few of them what they would think about someone with the same body as them, and they all said they'd find that person beautiful. They can't see it in themselves, but they can see it in others.

I really hope this makes sense 😅 And I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Just know that yes, it's you, but it's not really you. You're not a bad person, and while we're just two strangers on Tumblr, I genuinely don't think you feel that way about other people. Because if you did, would you be concerned about it?

Hi, anon. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been there too.

I know the feeling of wanting to engage in ed behavior but also being miserable and wanting to escape it. I know you're not going to want to do this, but from an outsider's perspective, I think you need to tell someone. Based on the fact that you've been hospitalized (sounds like at least once?), I'm assuming you have a therapist or help of some kind? Or at least still have their contact information? If so, I would strongly advise you to reach out to them. If you're still in contact, and see them on a regular basis, they need to be made aware of this asap.

I know, I know. You don't want to give up the ed, the rules, the "body", or whatever it may be. Been there, done that. But as someone who has done this NUMEROUS times, I'm going to tell you what I wish someone would have told me: You might be scared, and that's okay. You want to keep the ed and the body you think/know it'll give you. That's valid. But you also want to be free of it. That's valid too. But as we both know, the ed only ever hurts us. I know it feels good in a roundabout way, and you may feel like you're in control, but you're not.

If you're unable to seek professional help, I'd unfollow those accounts. There really is something sickly satisfying about them, and I think that's part of what draws us in. But if you can just get them out of your feed, that could help with the thoughts. When I feel like I'm on the verge of a relapse, I have this one model I always look to for a trigger, and I go and search for her pictures. But getting her photos out of my phone completely (even on Pinterest, Tumblr, TikTok, Youtube, all of it) always helps get my mind out of that space. Seeing it just makes it worse.

I know that Tumblr is the home of ed content, and Twitter is getting there too. If you have to, delete the app off your phone. Just get rid of the temptation.

If you need accounts to scroll through, try looking through recovery accounts. You may not be able to follow their advice right now, but at least seeing that mindset could be beneficial.

I apologize that this is so short, but I think the most beneficial thing for you would be to get professional help if you can. I'd hate for you to relapse. (I'm not shaming you if you do!! I'm just saying that I know that feeling, and I hate that other people feel it as well)

For example, my therapist and I decided that my goal for now should be eating twice a day and not go a day without eating. And that has actually been going pretty well for the last two weeks or so and that's weird. Like should that be happening? Shouldn't it be much slower? I've always heard that it takes years upon years for anorexic patients to make progress, so like...what gives?

Hi!! It's not an odd question at all, I totally understand where you're coming from.

To be completely honest, your therapist may have better answer for the first question than I do. However, I think it's different for everyone, which is probably not what you wanted to hear. Everyone's recovery is different, and some people struggle more than others during this time.

I get where you're coming from about it making you want to relapse. I've been right there as well. The feeling of thinking you need to be sicker so that you're "valid" is absolute torture, and I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. If it would help, let me assure you: You do not need to be sicker. Recovery is linear. The fact that you have to recover at all means you were sick to begin with. It will absolutely get better than it is now, but you are sick enough. You don't have to prove anything to anyone, even yourself. If you weren't sick with an ed, you wouldn't have come to my page, right? And if I wasn't sick in some way, I wouldn't have created this blog.

If it makes you feel better- when I first started recovery, I was eating everything I could get my hands on, because I was hungry. I hadn't let myself truly eat what I wanted and needed for so long and I just devoured everything. I felt terrible about it. I had only seen people struggle with starting to eat more, and I thought I was doing it wrong, or I was a "bad anorexic" for being excited to eat.

Eds are all about taking your accomplishments away and only focusing on your "wrongs". Right now you have something MAJOR to celebrate! Eating twice a day and not going a day without eating is amazing, and if you're not proud of yourself, you seriously should be. But if you're not, I'm sure your therapist is, and I most certainly am. Congratulations!! 🥳

Your ed telling you that you aren't valid, sick enough, or you're making progress too quickly is nothing more than the ed talking. It wants you to indulge in what it's saying. It wants nothing more than to hurt you.

Maybe you could try to look at it like this: If someone you care about was in your exact shoes, what would you tell them? Would you tell them the things you're telling yourself? Probably not, right?

It is true that recovery takes years, and it will most likely take you years as well. Even if you continue eating on this schedule and get your food habits back to what they should be, your thought processes surrounding your weight, body image, and food will still need repairing. And as you know, that's not fixed over night. It takes a long time to reframe all of our horrible ed thoughts, but it can be done. Try not to beat yourself up over the time frame. I promise, by next May, you'll still be working on this. You might actually be wishing it would go by faster! I know I was, lol.

i started recovery a few days ago because my parents noticed my low weight and told me i need to eat more/gain weight, which im very grateful for them stepping in and im ready to recover.

however, im still sorta paranoid about how much and what im eating, because a lot of my ED has been me being in denial that im "just being healthier" (which my parents used to believe until they realized)

so now that im eating unrestricted, i feel kinda bad that im allowing myself to eat the foods i didn't before and bigger portions. im worried that it means im letting myself be unhealthy, and im especially worried about potential comments from anyone about it.

any tips on how to challenge said thoughts or responses to comments people may make would be super appreciated ♡

(p.s. sorry this is so long, but also do you know of any other ed recovery blogs ? they're kinda hard to find here..)

Hey, anon! I'm so proud of you for listening to your parents and choosing recovery. That's one of the hardest steps, if not the hardest. Congratulations!

I felt the *exact* same way when I started recovery. I don't know about your experience, but I think I may have been orthorexic to a slight degree. You may want to look into that as well, if you haven't. I'm not saying you are, I'm not a licensed professional. Just the mention of being unhealthy spurred that thought in my mind.

Eating bigger portions and introducing our fear foods is a very difficult part of recovery, so I completely understand your worries. I'd advise you not to go too quickly, especially since you mentioned only being in recovery for a few days. Maybe you could try introducing your fear foods incrementally? Like maybe one a week, or something like that? That would probably help ease a little bit of the fear. I know when I tried to eat too many in a short amount of time, I only got more anxious and took a few steps back. Not implying that you will, just advising caution here.

It's great that you're eating more than you have been, and I'm really proud of you for that. You should be proud of yourself as well. Unfortunately, your ed is going to be very unhappy and go into overdrive trying to lie to you. Here's something I wish someone would have told me: You're not eating too much. It doesn't matter if you think you're eating a mukbang sized meal, if you're hungry/need to eat, whatever you consume is not too much. Also, this beginning period is not one in which you need to worry about eating "healthy". I know you will, and I did, too. But if you are willing to eat something, and if your ed is not fighting you on it, eat it. I don't care what it is. Eat it. Your body is extremely confused right now and just wants nutrients. It's trying to help you and keep you alive. I went through periods in the beginning of my recovery where I had ice cream all throughout the day because that's the one of the only things I could eat without extreme fear. (I know that probably doesn't make any sense, but I guess maybe it's because I liked ice cream so much I was able to override the ed? idk.) I went through another where I craved fat so much that I baked multiple cakes within a few week period. Now, there are definitely people out there who would disagree on that, and maybe you're one of them. That's cool. My number one piece of advice would be to listen to your body as best you can. You may not be able to, as I'm sure you've gotten pretty good at ignoring what it wants (as we all do), but whatever signals you get, listen to. If you want ice cream, eat it.

If you're able to, I'd also recommend that you find a therapist/treatment center/nutritionist if you haven't already. You definitely can recover on your own, but a professional would be very helpful.

You're not letting yourself be unhealthy. You're doing the opposite, actually. Having an ed is unhealthy, no matter which one it is. Choosing recovery is the option that will lead to a healthy relationship with food. And to choose recovery, you may feel unhealthy sometimes. That's okay. You may feel like you're making a mistake, gaining too much, or like you're worse off than you were before, but those are all eating disorder distortions. Try to keep that in mind if you can. If you're having trouble, maybe talk to your parents about it since they seem helpful and supportive of your recovery journey. My therapist always recommends sitting next to someone while I eat during my harder times. That might work for you as well.

As for what people say, at the end of the day, they don't know what's happened to you. Even if you're talking about your relatives or friends, they still most likely don't know the in-depth horrors that come along with having an ed. Lots of people don't know anything about what we struggle with, and that leads to the ignorant comments we all fear.

If someone says something to you, here are a few things you could say:

"I'm not comfortable talking about my food choices/body/ed right now."

"Can we change the subject?"

"It's a private matter, and I don't really feel ready to speak on it now."

"Please don't make comments about my body/food choices/ed."

Or if you're more shy, like I am, you could always ask a question or say something about something widely different or get them talking about something you know they love to talk about.

You could always just get up and leave. That one has worked for me countless times. Say you're getting a call, excuse yourself to the bathroom, say you're getting something and will be right back.

It's going to be hard to hear negative things about your recovery. If you can, try to remember that someone speaking negatively on someone else's body or food choices is caught up in diet culture themselves. It sucks, but the world places too much value in losing weight and being thin. If someone says something to you about your weight, you could tell them that you're actually doing the healthy thing. I think I've actually told someone who was talking about my body that I used to be anorexic, and that shut them up pretty quickly. You totally don't have to do this, I just thought I'd mention it lol.

Some of my personal favorite recovery blogs are:

@ed-recovery-affirmations

@recoverycat

@ana-recovery-positivity

@atinycupofpositivitea

if anyone has any other recs please leave a comment!

I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery journey, anon. You can do it, I promise. Again, I'm so happy for you and very proud you've chosen this journey. Sending you love <3