still buzzin’

Sunday

     She swapped her purse over to her other shoulder after securing her wallet back inside it, eyes flittering around the crowd for where to go next. A bead of sweat ran down the back of her neck, sun overhead and body heat of those around her causing her to reach for her water more than she was expecting to. She was trying to be smart, though, the fear of not being able to find a bathroom easily at the back of her mind. Someone bumped into her on her right, turning to her with wide eyes.

     “I’m so sorry!” he gasped, placing a hand on the shoulder he’d collided with.

     “No, no, it’s okay!”

     His eyes ran over her, causing her to grow self-conscious before he spoke again.

     “You look so cute,” he beamed, “You should go get some paint done! They’re doing some right over there.”

     She followed his finger where it was pointing at a small folding table, a crowd of people surrounding it. “Do I just walk up?”

     He nodded with a small laugh. “Yes, girl, they’ll take care of you.”

     “Okay, thank you!”

     “Of course,” he drawled, starting to step back over toward the group he was with. “Have fun today!”

     “You, too!”

     She was gripping her purse strap, grinning so hard her cheeks hurt when she walked up to the table. There was a bit of a line, everyone in it chatting with someone else as she stepped into it. She let her eyes search over the people in front of her, admiring the thought put into some of their outfits, the little pins and patches adorning vests and shorts. Her eyes fell back down to her own clothing, realization suddenly hitting her that maybe that’s why the guy had looked her over and sent her to get painted. Her toes curled inside her shoes.

     Another body knocking into hers caused her to look back up quickly.

     “Sorry.”

     The apology was short and mumbled, person not even looking over as they continued through the crowd to the table.

     “You’re fucking late, Barnes! I’m dying here!”

     “Yeah, yeah...”

     She couldn’t help but stare, maybe a little more than she should have, watching as this Barnes person reached up to pull the backwards cap from their head and run their fingers through their hair. The action made their cropped denim shirt lift further, drawing her gaze to where their tank top sat just above their hips. It exposed a dark trail of hair and leather straps peeking over the waistband of their jeans. The heat under her skin suddenly pooled out hotter across her face, rushing even behind her eyes when she looked up to find the other’s already on her. They stared at one another for a moment, Barnes giving her a slow once over.

     “You waiting?” they called.

     She nodded.

     They waved a hand vaguely. “I can do you.”

     Fist still tight around her purse, she swallowed the lump in her throat and walked over.

     “What do you want?” they asked, sliding over a book with pictures of different designs.

     “Um...” She could feel another bead of sweat rushing down her neck, pretending to adjust her purse to try and wipe it away discreetly. Her teeth had begun to chew at the inside of her cheek unconsciously as she looked over the pages in front of her, worrying she was taking too long. “The flowers are cute.”

     “What flag?”

     She still didn’t look up yet, pointing a finger to the one she wanted. “Bi flag. Please.”

     “You got Buck out here painting? Oh, you’re desperate!”

     At the commotion, she looked up to see a man slapping his hands to Buck’s shoulders, earning a roll of eyes before he carried on. She looked at them with a little hesitation.

     “I can do it,” Buck snorted, “Sam’s just an asshole.”

     “Oh.”

     “Where do you want it?”

     She felt the urge to swallow again, trying not to make it too obvious. “W-what are my options?”

     Buck scratched at their cheek, the quickest and faintest grin flashing on their lips. “People mainly do face. I’ve done arms or hands... A couple chests.”

     A knuckle poked out to graze at her exposed skin just above her top, shiver passing through her despite the suffocating heat. “Face. Let’s do face. Please.”

     “Alright.”

     Buck stepped over to snatch the colors they needed from the pile in the center of the table, pointing to a chair around their side of it that she shuffled over to sit on. They reached for her chin with their silver arm, metal catching the sun at just the right angle to make her squint for a second.

     “Right here?” they asked, running their flesh thumb over the apple of her cheek.

     “M-maybe like... here.” Her own finger felt softer by comparison when she brushed it higher up, closer to the outer edge of her eye.

     “How big you want it?”

     God, this was a humiliation ritual.

     “Doesn’t have to be too big. Just... Just so you can fe- see it.”

     “Okay.”

     If she didn’t know better, she’d swear she heard a slight chuckle in their response.

     She sat as still as she could, unsure where to focus her eyes as the thin paintbrush slid over her skin. Buck drew in closer a few times, their silver hand going under her jaw, fingers against her neck and thumb just below her chin, to tilt her head slightly.

     “Don’t wanna mess up your makeup,” they stated, quietly so only she could hear.

     Her instinct was to nod, firm hold on her making it impossible. So she attempted to hum an acknowledgement, mortified when it came out as a weak squeal. Her eyes shut tightly.

     After a few more moments, Buck sat back from her, grabbing a hand mirror off the table and holding it up for her. “Good?”

     The little flower was cute, blossoming pink, purple, and blue atop her cheek. “Yes,” she beamed, “thank you.”

     “Tweaked the colors a little bit so they’d stand out more against your skin.”

     And they did, more vibrant than she was expecting. “It looks perfect. Thank you.” Buck just shrugged. “Um, how much?”

     “Huh?” When she pulled her wallet from her purse, Buck shook their head. “No, it’s free, sweetheart. We just do it for fun.”

     “Oh.” She tried to fight the shiver from how the endearment had sounded rolling off their tongue. “Thank you.”

     They laughed softly. “You’re welcome.”

     She was stuck for a moment, staring up at the other from where she was still seated, too focused on trying not to look at their hips that were right at her eyeline. It wasn’t until their eyes shifted over to the line of people and back to her that she caught herself. “Sorry! I’ll- Thanks!”

     Just about to merge back into the crowd, she jumped a little when a hand wrapped around her elbow gently.

     “You here by yourself?”

     Her eyebrows twitched up sheepishly. “Is it that obvious?”

     Buck smiled at her in an equally shy manner. “I was gonna ask if you wanna help out.” They motioned to the table. “We could use it.”

     Trying not to give away how much the hand still wrapped around her elbow was making her want to tremble like an eleven-year-old chihuahua, she forced a normal smile. “Sure!”

     She got set up right beside Buck, slowly coming out of her shell more and more with each person she spoke with. Everyone was so kind, complimenting her shirt or her makeup or the keychains on her purse. Some kids came through, wanting a simple rainbow on their cheeks or the backs of their hands. Her own cheeks were aching, her own hands having stopped shaking somewhere along the way.

     “The flower is so cute!”

     The voice came from just beside her as she took a break to sip at her water, one of the other people from the group of friends running the table. She smiled as she said, “Thank you! Buck did it.”

     “Bucky.”

     Her eyes went to them. “What?”

     “It’s Bucky, not Buck.”

     “Oh... I’m sorry, I heard your friend say it earlier and thought- Sorry.”

     Bucky shook their head. “No, it’s fine. I just prefer Bucky.” They smirked a little. “Like I said, Sam’s an asshole.”

     She giggled behind her water bottle, fingertips tracing along the edge of one of the stickers on it. Bucky looked at her with an expectant quirk in their brow. So she offered her own name, taking another huge sip of her water immediately after.

     Checking her phone, she saw it had been almost an hour since she first walked over. Another group had came up to the table, everyone she’d come to know greeting them and starting to pack up the few things they brought with them.

     “You’re leaving?” she asked, watching with a knot in her stomach as Bucky stood up and stretched their arms over their head.

     “Yeah, we’re gonna walk for a bit. You should come.”

     “Okay.”

     As soon as she stood, she regretted how much time she’d spent sipping at her water. It was a relief when Bucky spoke up again.

     “I’m gonna pee before we go.”

     The small group nodded as they continued to talk amongst each other.

     “Can I come?” she asked, getting a raised eyebrow in response. “I-I mean so I can go, too. I drank, like, almost all of my water.”

     Bucky laughed. “Yeah, c’mon.”

     They guided her down a block to a Chinese restaurant, stepping forward to open the door for her. She thanked them as she stepped through. Bucky nodded to the guy behind the counter, pointing toward the back and getting a wave of his hand.

     “It’s in the back,” they pointed, ghosting their knuckles at her back to guide her into the cluttered office space. “Go ahead.”

     Again, they opened the door for her, allowing her to use the single restroom first. She took care of her business, staring at herself in the cloudy mirror as she washed her hands. The heat hadn’t done as much of a number on her as she thought, little flower on her cheek also holding up nicely. Her mind began to race a little as she turned to inspect her backside. Part of her was expecting to emerge from the bathroom and find that Bucky was nowhere to be found, the pitstop nothing more than an excuse to ditch her and get back to their friends. So when she let out a heavy breath and opened the door to find them leaning on the opposite wall, scrolling aimlessly on their phone, she couldn’t fight her grin.

     “All yours,” she chirped, swapping places with Bucky as they slipped into the bathroom.

     There were texts from her friend waiting for her, asking how everything was going. Ones from her mother asking the same, each referring to different things. Her friend knew exactly where she was. Her mother thought she was merely visiting her friend. It took a second to respond to the latter, her response to the former still unfinished when Bucky stepped out of the bathroom.

     “You said you’re out of water?” they asked, still adjusting the straps around their hips.

     She looked back to her phone quickly as she nodded.

     “Here...”

     Knuckles finding her back again, she typed as fast as she could, angling the phone awkwardly to keep her texts private while Bucky lead her over to the side of the counter.

     “Gimme your bottle,” they said, holding out their hand for her to slip the pink-coated steel into so they could twist the cap off. They turned to the guy behind the counter then, him already looking at the pair. “Top her off.”

     The guy chuckled, taking the bottle and looking over his shoulder at her. “Water?”

     “Yes, please,” she nodded, watching him grab a pitcher and use it to fill her bottle.

     He was smirking when he stepped back over to the two of them. “Been a while since you brought a date in, Barnes.”

     They didn’t say anything, instead raising their middle finger and taking the bottle back to hand to her with its cap. The guy cackled loudly before going back to the customers waiting in line.

     “Sorry,” Bucky mumbled.

     She shook her head as she twisted the cap back on, eagerly taking a sip once it was on.

     The noises of the street exploded once they stepped outside again, rush of heat hitting her in sync with it. Bucky’s friends had been waiting, all of them moving together and continuing their conversations as they walked down the sprawl of vendors. She stayed off to the side, quietly listening in and laughing when someone told a joke. Bucky stayed at her side, even when she stopped to look at the different booths here and there. She was calculated about the things she decided to buy, knowing a discreet sticker would stand out less than a full-sized flag.

     “Where are you from?” Bucky asked when the two of them were slowly catching back up to the group. When she answered, they laughed softly. “Never heard of it.”

     “Yeah, it’s... small.”

     Bucky nodded, waiting a beat before offering, “I get it. I grew up in this tiny little town outside Indianapolis. Shelbyville.”

     “Never heard of it.”

     They laughed again. “Yeah, it’s small.”

     Her teeth sank into the inside of her cheek again, smile scrunched to one side. She’d shuffled her purse from side to side a few times, trying to disperse the weight of it evenly enough that she wouldn’t be whining over it later. Bucky must have noticed at some point, waiting until she moved it to her left side again to speak.

     “Y’want me to carry that for you?”

     She looked at them, squinting slightly as she teased, “You’re not going to run off with it, are you?”

     “Depends. There something worth taking in it?”

     Crossing her arms, she pretended to think. “Mm... A couple maxi pads, water bottle, maybe some old receipts, a debit card that you’d be embarrassed to bring to an ATM.”

     Bucky sucked at their teeth. “Tempting, but... too hot out for me to wanna get in a foot chase.”

     Giggling, she took her purse strap in her hold, sliding it down to offer it out to Bucky. “Thank you.”

     The dropped it onto their left shoulder, placing their hand on hers to squeeze at the muscle. “Better?”

     Her gaze fell away quickly as she hoped Bucky couldn’t feel the shiver that shook through her. “Yeah,” she breathed, feeling goosebumps finally break out across her skin when the hand on her shoulder slid down her arm before falling away. “Can I actually grab my water real quick? Sorry.”

     Bucky simply handed her the water bottle, watching her as she sucked down more than a few sips.

     Someone from the group, Sam, walked back toward them, grinning as they asked, “We doing the parade or going straight back to Nat’s?”

     Bucky looked at her, waiting for her to decide for them. “I’d like to see the parade,” she smiled.

     Sam pumped his fist before jogging back over to give the rest of the group the news.

     “Who’s Nat?” she asked once they were alone again.

     Bucky pointed ahead, “Redhead. She’s got a little cafe not far from here, and we usually head over there after everything wraps up.”

     “Sounds fun,” she tried, following everyone’s lead and splitting off from the main stretch of vendors and toward the parade a few blocks over.

     Bucky caught her attempt, grinning as they cooed, “You’re invited.”

     She didn’t bother trying to fight her smile.

     It was only a few moments before everyone was merging into the crowd gathered on the sidewalks for the main parade, Bucky helping her nudge their way through as many people as they could. She hung close to them, hoping she wasn’t overstepping. It was just overwhelming at first, loud music and cheers, bodies moving in all directions.

     “Here,” Bucky pointed, guiding her to a crosswalk signal. “Can see better if you hop up.”

     She let them help her up onto the narrow base, hands finding her waist to keep her steady as she gripped the pole and looked out to the parade. She expected to grow even more nervous, what with the uneven metal beneath her feet and the unfamiliar hold around her waist. But something happened as she watched the crowd of people make their way through the street. The electricity from bright smiles and vibrant colors shot through her, hypnotizing her as she felt something sting at her eyes. Someone beside her followed her lead and stepped up on the other side of the pole, their hands bumping as the other woman found purchase. They shared a smile and a quick giggle, eyes drifting back to the parade as they continued to beam. The sting at her eyes grew into a warmth, rushing down over her cheek when she blinked.

     Her throat was tight when she stepped back to climb her way down, Bucky helping her once again.

     “Y’okay?” they asked, looking over her shimmering eyes.

     “Yeah,” she breathed, unsteady and followed by an awkward laugh. “I don’t know what happened.”

     Bucky stared at her, watching as she tried to dab at her face without disturbing her makeup. “Here,” they offered, fisting the hem of their tank to pull it up and dry under her eyes carefully.

     “Thank you,” she sighed, noticing the spot of mascara that now stained the tank when Bucky let it snap back to their stomach.

     “It’s a lot your first time,” they said quietly, “Not like back home.”

     She snorted a laugh. “No. Not like back home at all.” When she looked up to find soft eyes staring back at her, she managed a small smile. “How’s my little flower holding up?”

     “Good,” Bucky nodded.

     By the time the group began moving to the cafe, they’d all picked up little flags somewhere along the way. She kept her pink, purple, and blue one in her hold the entire way, watching as Bucky tucked their one of shades of pink and orange into the strap sitting snuggly on their right hip.

     The cafe was cute, lots of plants and local art hung up on the walls. She told Nat as much, making the redhead beam with pride. Bucky set her purse down gently on a short booth against the wall before sitting in the seat directly next to it. Everyone congregated around them, eventually snacking on the pastries and sandwiches that Nat had brought out to them. It was nice to see how close they all were with one another, speaking freely about their lives because everyone else already knew. But there was a loneliness that lingered in her chest at the display, too.

     She noticed how Bucky was quiet even amongst their friends. She also came to learn that Nat was their ex through the few comments people had made.

     It was after someone had made a joke, swearing to give Bucky head if they fixed a leaky faucet, that the redhead stepped up behind them and swung her arms around Bucky’s neck comfortably. “No,” she drawled, “Bucky doesn’t like getting head.”

     Metal fingers pried the wrists from their neck gently. “Not the way you give it.”

     Nat scoffed at that, moving to sit between Sam and a blond, Steve. “I give it just fine, baby, you just never wanted to bottom for me. And now look at you. Spending all day cooped up at home reading yuri.”

     Everyone busted out laughing as Bucky simply shrugged and made an unbothered sort of expression, one eyebrow ticking up briefly. “A price I’m willing to pay.”

     The woman beside them looked at Bucky shyly, a smile breaking from where her teeth had pinned her lips.

     It settled after a few moments, Bucky slumping back against the booth and discreetly snaking an arm along the top of it behind her. She kept her composure, sipping at the iced tea that was given to her. She then made the mistake of making eye contact with Sam, a mirthful look on his face before she could look away.

     The attention was on her after that, questions about where she was from, what she did for work, if she needed help getting away from the broody butch at her side. She shook her head at the last one, nudging Bucky’s knee with her own under the table.

     “How long are you here for?”

     She looked up to Steve, catching him looking away from Bucky at the end of his question. “Just two more days. I fly home Wednesday morning.”

     Which earned her a cooed, “Aw.” from everyone.

     “I know,” she laughed, “I’m just as heartbroken.”

     “Move here!” Nat gushed, also briefly glancing at Bucky. “My sister’s roommate is moving when their lease is up in a few months, she’d take you in.”

     Bucky set their phone down at that, ceasing their scrolling. “She’s not living with Yelena,” they said sternly, “She spends half her time boxing in the living room and the other half burning down the kitchen.

     Nat scoffed. “Don’t listen to Bucky, she’s dramatic. That was one time because she fell asleep with pasta on the stove, and everyone was fine.”

     The woman beside Bucky laughed. “It’s okay,” she smiled, “I’ve gotta get my ducks in a row back home anyway.”

     “Offer’s there is all I’m saying.”

     She nodded, taking another sip of her tea.

     It was hours that they all sat there, her muscles melting a little so she was finally pressed against the back of the booth, Bucky’s arm grazing across her shoulders and their fingers playing idly with the knotted straps of her top. She didn’t stop them. And only when they made a move to leave did she finally think about it herself.

     “I gotta get home and feed Alpine before she rips another cabinet off the walls.”

     “That’s your own damn fault for not just tightening the hinges,” Sam rolled his eyes.

     “No,” Bucky huffed, “my daughter is just that fuckin’ strong, Wilson.”

     “Whatever you gotta tell yourself to sleep at night.”

     She laughed as she stood up, sliding her purse up onto her shoulder.

     “And where will you be heading off to?”

     Eyes were on her when she looked up, Nat smirking at her from the head of the table. “Oh, um... My friend and I are probably gonna grab dinner. I didn’t realize how late it had gotten.”

     “I see...”

     She looked at the redhead in confusion before everyone said their goodbyes.

     Her and Bucky stepped out onto the sidewalk together, Bucky holding the door again. “Where are you staying?” they asked, safely out of earshot of their friends.

     “With my friend. She has a place right in Tudor City.”

     “Wow,” Bucky laughed, “fancy.”

     She laughed, shuffling her feet. “Yeah, must be nice.”

     “Very.” A moment passed. “You taking the train back up or...?”

     “Bus.”

     “I’ll wait with you.”

     So the two of them made their way over a few blocks, back toward where they started the day, to stand at the bus stop together. She was nervously picking at the threading along her purse strap while they waited, watching as Bucky reached into the breast pocket of their denim shirt and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter. They offered her one, placing it between their lips when she declined it. She watched as it sparked to life, smoke puffing from Bucky’s nose. They looked her over as they pocketed the lighter again, blowing smoke from the corner of their mouth.

     “Two more days, huh?” they asked.

     She nodded weakly, toes curling in her shoes. “Two more days.”

     Nodding back, Bucky took another drag. “Any plans?”

     “My friend works from home tomorrow, so we’ll probably just hang out and watch Love Island or something. Tuesday she’s in-person, so I’m kinda on my own for the day.”

     Bucky nodded again, looking down to their boots as another cloud of smoke left them.

     She was expecting them to ask to see her again, completely deflating when they didn’t. And then the bus was pulling up against the sidewalk, engine roaring and brakes squealing. Her fist tightened around her purse strap. “Thanks for today.” She wanted to say more, to explain what it had meant to be included amongst such a close group of friends when she felt so isolated at the start of the day. But she stayed silent, lingering a moment to give Bucky time to say something in response.

     They didn’t.

     She turned to the bus doors, stepping through them and getting all the way to the top of the few steps before a hand found her elbow.

     “Wait,” Bucky pleaded.

     She turned back.

     “There’s a library by Prospect Park, the north side. Is ten too early?”

     Helpless but to let the smile wanting to beam across her face do just that, she shook her head. “No, no, that’s perfect.”

     Bucky nodded, small smile of their own tugging at their lips as they slid their hand down her arm and stepped back from the bus.

     She was frozen a moment, staring at the other as they sucked at their cigarette. The driver behind her cleared his throat, snapping her out of the haze she had fallen into. “Sorry,” she breathed, quickly tapping her phone and making to find a spot. Bucky was still standing there when she took a seat by a window near the back, waving back at her when she raised a hand shyly.

Tuesday

     It was even hotter than Sunday as she sat on the steps to the library, hand shielding her phone screen to check the time. Again. Only a minute had passed, still ten minutes before they planned to meet. But maybe she’d misheard, and she was at the wrong library. Or maybe she was supposed to be at another side of the library. Or maybe Bucky had been making the plans for Monday. Or maybe-

     “Hey.”

     Her heart stopped when she looked up, a shadow falling over her. “Hi!” she chirped as she stood up quickly.

     Bucky smiled back at her, pulling a hand from their pocket as they motioned over her. “You look nice.”

     She looked down to her outfit, taking the hem of her blouse in between her fingers to rub it gently. “Thank you.” Eyes slowly working their way up Bucky’s form, she swallowed at the fitted tee that showed off their biceps, flesh one equally as impressive as its metallic counterpart. “You do, too.” They were smirking when she looked up.

     “Thanks.” A moment passed between the two of them before Bucky spoke up again. “I, uh... I got us tickets for the zoo, in case you wanted to go. We don’t have to, I just thought maybe... Yeah.”

     Her chest suddenly felt tight. “The zoo would be fun.”

     “Okay, good.”

     The timing was perfect, walk over just long enough for them to arrive right on time for opening and their tickets. She went straight for the sea lions, stepping right up to watch them zip around underwater and poke their heads out to stare back at the building crowd. A couple of them came up to the edge of the pool, slapping their flippers onto it to prop themselves up.

     “Have you seen those videos of the ones that, like, stick their tongues out and make all kinds of stupid faces and everything?” she laughed, looking to Bucky.

     They laughed back at her. “I have, yeah. They come up on all my feeds, I can’t escape them.”

     “Mine, too!” she giggled, turning back to the sea lions. “But I also like every video I see of them, so... My own fault.”

     Bucky laughed again, pressing closer to her as the crowd grew.

     She could smell the cologne they wore, leaning in on instinct to savor it.

     The pair made their way through all the small zoo had to offer, her taking pictures of the different animals she found cute and shying away as a goat ate greedily from her hand in the petting area. They made small talk, biting into grins that grew too wide every time their eyes caught. She had felt knuckles play against her at some point, testing to see if it was safe for a palm to press into her through her blouse. She didn’t stop it, having to duck her head to hide her breathy laugh when it finally spread out across her lower back.

     At the end of their visit, no more animals left to see, they wandered through the small gift shop. She was turning over a little seal plushie in her hands, smoothing out its synthetic down. Bucky laughed at the sight.

     “I’ll get it for you if you want it,” they offered.

     She shook her head. “No, you got the tickets and everything.”

     They fixed her with a playfully stern look. “Do you want it or not?” When she simply scrunched her smile to one side, coyly looking away, they took it from her hands. “C’mon.”

     She let them pay, refusing a bag so she could carry the stuffed toy tucked in her arm.

     There was a worry at the back of her neck. That once they left, the day would wrap up and she would be left to think of it for the rest of her life. Maybe she was dramatic. Maybe Bucky had the same worry, she thought, watching their throat bob around a harsh swallow as they reached for their lighter in their pocket.

     She waited until the cigarette was lit before she spoke. “I don’t wanna go back to my friend’s place yet.”

     Bucky blew out heavily, making sure the wind was blowing away from her. “I’m not far from here.”

     Staring at the cigarette where it sat between their lips, she nodded. “Okay.”

     She followed Bucky through the streets, mind running a mile a minute thinking about what could be coming her way. Whatever it was, she wanted it. If they just sat on a couch and watched YouTube videos for six hours, she’d be happy. Over the moon, in fact. But the thought of maybe something more happening, of getting to see the rest of the leather straps that had sat around their hips two days prior... That had a heat curling in her stomach. One that was hardly tamed by the ice cream they grabbed from a truck on the way. It only grew, sparking like the cheap pink lighter that Bucky carried as she watched them fight against the summer temperatures to keep their chocolate with chocolate sprinkles from melting down their arm. Her own vanilla with rainbow sprinkles had bested her in her distracted state, a silver hand full of napkins wiping from her elbow up to her wrist to try and help.

     Bucky’s apartment was cozy, full of warm colors and cat toys littered across the floor. They had homemade shelving up in the living room, made of stained wood and cinderblocks, that housed various little trinkets and books. Notebooks, a lot of notebooks. And a small collection of Badtz-Maru plushies. It made her hold in a giggle, the resemblance almost uncanny. The kitchen had dishes strewn across the counters. Or at least it did until they frantically started piling them in the sink.

     “Wasn’t thinking I’d get this far.”

     She laughed at that, continuing to look around the tight space. Candy was in no short supply, packages of cookies sitting out for easy access and individually wrapped chocolate bars stacked on top of the fridge. Some little caramel things she didn’t recognize.

     Bucky had stepped closer, watching her take in their space. “I like sweet things,” they said lowly, smirking when she looked at them.

     She laughed but only to cover the flutter that sank down from her stomach and in between her thighs, the two of them drifting closer and closer until she felt a hand brushing up her arm.

     “We don’t have to do anything,” Bucky whispered, stepping closer when she only melted under their touch. “But I really fucking want to.”

     Maybe it was the power of being in a city other than her own, an unfamiliar apartment instead of the home she grew up in... But she was suddenly bold enough to push forward and capture the lips she’d spent a indecent amount of time staring at. Bucky hummed when she did, hand no longer lingering at the edges of her arm and instead moving to slide onto her waist. They both tasted like a mix between sour and sweet from their ice cream, her toes curling within her boots at the rush of want that flooded her.

     Bucky caused her to whine when they pulled back, cheeks already flushed as they panted, “Have you ever...?” She shook her head timidly. Bucky’s eyes fluttered shut. “Fuck...”

     “I’m sorry, it’s just... hard where I am.”

     “No,” they cooed, taking her waist with their left hand so the right could cup her cheek. “No, sweetheart, I get it, I just... I’m realizing we’re gonna have to figure out what you like when I wanna just take you apart.”

     She buckled at that, rasping, “Th-that sounds like something I’d like.”

     Bucky grinned, stroking her cheek. “We’ll see.” They knew better than to push too hard too soon, taking a step back to slide her purse from her shoulder and set it on their counter along with the little plush sea lion. “How long do I have you?”

     “As long as you want, I guess,” she swallowed, still partially lightheaded. “My friend gets off at five, but I don’t necessarily have to be back by then.”

     “Five whole hours?” Bucky beamed, “Or more?”

     “If you’re lucky,” she laughed.

     “Fuck, I should have asked Sam my horoscope this morning.”

     She laughed again, tilting her chin down coyly.

     Bucky fought a groan at the display, pushing their hair back from their face. “Wanna sit down?” When she nodded, they took up her hand, guiding her into the living room toward the couch. She stopped just before sitting down.

     “Oh! Your kitty!”

     Looking to where she was staring at the ball of white basking in a bed under the bit of sunlight allowed in under the curtains, Bucky nodded. “Yeah. Alpine.”

     “I think Sam was wrong, she definitely looks stacked.”

     “Thank you!” Bucky beamed, “She’s a killer, Sam is just jealous.”

     “Totally.”

     When they finally sat, Bucky watched her go to curl her legs up, stopping as she looked down to her boots. She tugged at the laces and slid them off carefully before getting comfortable, eyes watching where Bucky’s thighs spread out in a similar display of comfort.

     “You want some music or anything?” they asked.

     She shook her head, confessing, “No, it’s... I kinda think it’s cringe.”

     “Thank god, so do I.”

     So they filled the silence with more small talk, speaking low to each other at first, but slowly getting more into what they discussed. She got on the topic of animes she liked, naturally transitioning to mangas and then manhwas, her eyes lighting up as she remembered the comment Nat had made about Bucky reading yuri. She started talking about a comic that just came out from an artist she really liked. Which led into Bucky asking her to show them. Which led to her nervously tapping through her phone and timidly leaning in to show them.

     “Oh, I see,” Bucky purred, tilting the phone to get a better look at the explicit drawings of girls engaging in what history would call ‘gals being pals.’

     “Whatever!” she whined, prying her phone back. “You’re no better from what I heard.”

     “I’m not,” Bucky chuckled, “That’s why I said I see.”

     “Well, anyway. The comic is really good, and that artist has some other good ones, too.”

     “Can you send them to me?” A not-so-subtle attempt to get her number.

     “Yeah, here.”

     Her phone found its way back into Bucky’s palm, new message screen open with the link already pasted into the text bar. They typed in their number, hitting send and feeling their phone vibrate against their thigh.

     They talked some more, closer than they were previously since she didn’t pull back. Something over Bucky’s shoulder caught her attention, a curious look coming across her face.

     “Knight’s armor?” she asked, causing the other to whip their head around to the helmet and chest piece beside their bedroom door.

     “Yeah,” they chuckled, “We go to a lot of ren faires, and that’s the easiest way for me to not have to talk as much.”

     “I kind of need to see pictures of this. Just for proof, y’know?”

     Bucky snorted, lifting their hips to dig out their phone anyway. It didn’t take long to find, most of their camera roll full of a certain white cat or selfies that Sam snuck when they weren’t looking. “Here,” they said, handing their phone over.

     She took it and stared at the picture. Bucky. In tights and out-of-place combat boots. Chest plate and one sleeve of matching armor, other exposed to display their silver arm. A long sword hanging off their hip and chestnut tresses peeking out from beneath their helmet.

     “And here’s without the helmet,” Bucky said, grinning at how focused she was on the pictures.

     “Right, right...” Her fingers moved on their own to zoom in, forgetting the object of her desires was right beside her, watching the whole thing. When she pinched back out, she scrolled over with her thumb, mouth falling open at what popped up.

     “Whoa!” Bucky shrieked, snatching their phone away. “Why are you scrolling through like a fuckin’ boomer?!”

     “S-sorry,” she stuttered, image of the clear thirst trap of Bucky in their armor still burned across her vision.

     Bucky just laughed, trying to wipe away the heat behind their face. “You’re a little pervert,” they teased, watching her simply shrug her shoulder innocently. They let their gaze fall all across her face, not missing the way she took in a sharp breath at the attention. They licked their lips, beckoning her closer with a curl of their fingers.

     She moved instantly, rising to her knees to throw one over Bucky’s hips. They caught her around the waist, hands greedily digging into the loose cotton of her blouse in search of supple flesh. Their lips came together softly, moving as gently as her hands did to curl around Bucky’s shoulders. Her fingers played at the neckline of their shirt, tracing along the skin just beneath it and creeping up into their hair.

     “I like how you touch me,” they breathed, sliding a hand around to her back. “So gentle...” It made them almost dizzy, a deeper desire than lust pooling warmly throughout their body. She was just so... sweet. Nervous in all the best ways and playful in all the others. A moan came out breathy and satisfied from the back of Bucky’s throat.

     Her thighs shook, victim to the static collecting under her skin with each pass of Bucky’s hands over it. She wanted to sit herself down and test the push of her hips into theirs, see if the bunching of their jeans felt as good against her center as she imagined it would. Bucky must have sensed her mounting want as they drew their lips away to suction them to her jaw.

     “Mm... what d’you want, sweetheart?” they purred, moving down to nip at her neck.

     Her stomach was so tight with arousal, she feared she might be sick for a moment, gripping onto Bucky hard enough to make her knuckles ache. Her mind was failing her, too many inputs feeding into it at once.

     “Tell me what you like,” they tried, pecking at the soft skin of her throat. “We can kiss...” To prove their point, they brought their lips back to hers, prying them open gently so their breaths could mix. Nice and slow, just enough to have the girl in their hold shivering before they pulled back again. “I can touch you... here.” A palm slid around from her back, finding her breast through her blouse as Bucky grinned at the sigh she let out. “Or here...” Their knuckles dragged down her front, tapping at her mound over the matching bloomers to her blouse once they reached it. “Hm? Here?” Palm flattening again, they pushed it between her thighs to cup her heat, sliding back and rubbing gently at her to earn a whine of approval. Then they pushed back further, a smirk curling at their lips as they dug their fingers between her cheeks. “Or even here.”

     She moaned, bowing forward under the touch.

     “You like that one, huh?” Bucky chuckled, watching her face pinch around a desperate sort of sound just before it pushed in to kiss them more. They took the lead, guiding her lips through languid drags and teasing swipes of tongue. Their hand was still between her legs, feeling when her thighs attempted to squeeze around their wrist. “Whatever you want,” they panted, “Whatever you want, I’ll give you.”

     “Everything,” she gasped, “I-I want everything.”

     “Everything?” Bucky echoed, grinning against her lips. “Everything in five hours... That would be quite a feat.”

     “Please,” she tried weakly.

     Bucky just cooed gently at her, silver palm keeping her steady as flesh rubbed at her again. “I wanna take my time with you, though. Why don’t we start simple?”

     “Simple?”

     “Yeah, let’s just have you ride my thigh a little first.”

     Feeling denim push at the inside of her legs, she took the hint and moved to straddle just one of Bucky’s. They guided her down onto it, removing their hand from between hers. She didn’t wait, hips beginning to rock as soon as they felt something firm beneath them. Bucky didn’t seem to mind, pulling back to stare at her face as she started a rhythm.

     “There... good girl.”

     A ragged moan.

     “Mm, yeah, good girl,” they rasped, planting their right palm on her hip, down to the juncture of her thigh. “Feels good, huh?”

     “Yes,” she sighed, vision already beginning to grow clouded. She was damp, had been damp for hours, slick soaking into the fabric of her panties and providing a delicious friction with each pass of her hips.

     “You wanna cum like this?” Bucky asked, “Wanna make a mess on my thigh?”

     She just nodded, all she could muster as she grew eager, using her hold on Bucky’s shoulders as leverage to rock down with more force.

     “I can feel you, princess, so warm against me. Are you wet for me, too? Hm?” Another nod, her lips parted around a choked moan. “I can’t wait to see. Can’t wait to lay you out on my bed and watch you cry ’cause it feels so good.”

     “Fu- fuck...”

     She shook, bearing down around nothing as she came with enough force to make her eyes squeeze shut. It was embarrassing, took quick, so needy. She didn’t care.

     “Good girl,” Bucky cooed, rubbing at her hip. “That’s it, breathe for me.”

     She did so, forcing out a deep breath and taking another in as her hips finally came to a stop. “Bucky,” she whimpered.

     “I’m here, sweet girl.” To show her, they pushed her into them, pressing their lips together softly.

     There was still a slight tremble to hers as they began to move slowly. The kisses were as good as the orgasm, something about the way Bucky took their time with her and teased her with grazed of their tongue instead of shoving it straight into her mouth. She was already close to starting her hips up again after only a few moments.

     “Y-you said-” She paused to swallow. “You said you didn’t like the way Nat...”

     “Yeah?” Bucky rasped.

     “Show me how you like it, then. I-I wanna try.”

     “Fuck...” There was hesitance in their gaze as it drank her in. Not for lack of desire, no. But because they knew they couldn’t throw her into it as quickly as maybe both of them wished. “Why don’t you just... start simple. See how you like it first.”

     “Okay,” she nodded shakily.

     “Okay,” Bucky echoed. “Catch your breath first, sweetheart, you’re still buzzing.”

     “Sorry.”

     “No, that’s a good thing,” they beamed, “I like that you’re so sensitive, it’s hot.”

     She ducked her head, pushing forward so Bucky could wrap their arms around her and hold her in a gentle hug as she calmed. She could almost fall asleep on the muscular shoulder, contented sigh leaving her when hands began soothing at her back. Fighting it, she turned her head to kiss at sharp jaw and heated cheek, both of them humming when their lips found each other again.

     Without a word, she dropped to Bucky’s chin, then to their neck, knees sliding back on the couch to the very edge of the cushion.

     “Yeah?” Bucky asked, staring at her with a hand on her cheek.

     “Yeah.”

     “Here.”

     A sturdy metal arm wrapped around her waist, other plucking a throw pillow from beside them to set it on the floor between Bucky’s feet. She took in a breath when they settled back and looked at her heatedly. Keeping her eyes on them, she slid further until there was nothing left and then sank onto her knees on the pillow. Her instincts were to reach for Bucky’s belt on her own, an undeniable heat curling inside her when she watched them take the leather and buckle in their hold and unlatch it slowly.

     It fell to either side, thick fingers working at the button and zipper of their jeans next. And then all that was left was fabric. Denim that she pulled down easily to the tops of boots and boxer briefs that she did the same with. Wispy hairs tickled under her palms as she sat staring at the patch of much thicker, denser strands. She could feel Bucky’s eyes on her, trying to assess the thoughts behind her own. The truth was that there were none. Nothing but salacious images and screams to move echoed around her skull.

     So she leaned in, Bucky’s hips canting closer to the edge for better access. The wiry hairs tickled at her lips at first, smoothing out the more she pushed into them. A deep scent rushed over her, natural and musky, faintly artificial like a soap or lotion. She breathed out heavily, eyes finally falling completely shut as she parted her lips and used her tongue to part the ones in front of her.

     Bucky did the same, sighing out at the sight before them. She was doing so well so far, exactly how they liked. No fingers, no theatrics, just pure desire to submit and make her partner feel good.

     “Fuck, that’s it, baby...”

     She’d moved slowly, giving herself enough time to adjust to the new sensations, nothing but instinct guiding her to the stiff bud her tongue poked at. It drifted down curiously, picking up a tang that was new on her tastebuds but familiar, too, from nights alone in her room. She moaned, couldn’t hold it in, prying her lips between Bucky’s to find more of that taste before circling it around their clit.

     “Right there, princess. Stay right there.”

     So she did, fingers dropping from thighs to grip at the bunch of clothing caught around Bucky’s ankles. Her lips latched around the bud, tongue tapping at it while she gave a cautious suck.

     Bucky placed a hand to her neck, sliding it around back so they could guide her gently. She was already doing so well, just needed that little lit of encouragement.

     The palm at her nape gave a little push, her mind taking it as a command to go harder. Her next suck was just that, another moan leaving her. She loved it, she was completely delirious with it, she didn’t want to stop.

     Bucky’s metal hand was gripping into the couch, fabric straining under the sheer strength of it. They were trying to keep their composure and not get lost in the heady pleasure of not just her lips but the sight of her on her knees, lashes fanning out across her cheeks and brows furrowed in concentration and her own pleasure.

     “Good fucking girl,” they gritted, fingertips digging into her neck and thumb soothing at her throat. Their head fell back with a thud, eyes still trained on her to watch her work them over. Her eyes fluttered open to check if she was still doing good, even after receiving praise barely a moment before. “Keep going, baby, you’re doing so well.”

     She all but purred under it, eyes wanting to roll back from the words alone. They only exemplified her desire to work harder, to try and give Bucky what they had given to her.

     Bucky got lost in it, in the heat that seeped out from their center and the gentle suckling that came from it. Those soft, devoted eyes gaze up at them... They almost missed the jolt of pleasure that would surely lead into another. Almost succumbed to it when the second felt even better. “Fuck! That’s good, sweetheart, that’s good. Come here.”

     She let the hand around her neck guide her back, tongue swiping over her lips greedily just before Bucky’s found them. It was theirs that trembled then, a shaky breath hitting across her cheeks from their nose.

     “You make me fucking crazy,” they panted, finally letting their tongues meet in more than just a coy brush. She tasted like them, reached up to wrap her arms around their shoulders and allow herself to be pulled back up onto the couch.

     “Was I good?”

     “You were perfect,” Bucky chuckled, nipping at her lip. “I like to get a bit rougher, but that was un-fucking-real as is.”

     She preened under the praise, grinning through kisses.

     “I need a smoke already,” Bucky laughed, getting her to do the same. “Would that be alright? If we take a quick break?”

     A whine was about to come out of her throat before her stomach rumbled and cut it off.

     Bucky laughed again, rubbing at her back. “Grab a snack, sweetheart. You’re gonna need it.”

     She searched through their cabinets and fridge as they snuck out onto the fire escape to smoke. Usually she’d be thinking about what she ate, how it would taste on her tongue afterwards or if just the sight of it on her plate would turn someone else off. But she was comfortable moving through Bucky’s apartment, nibbling on her assortment of chips and Babybel cheeses and a peanut butter sandwich. Oh, and half a pickle.

     “Girl dinner?” Bucky asked, smirking at her when they climbed back into the living room.

     She nodded, covering her mouth as she mumbled, “I made you some, too.”

     There was another plate of similar composition on Bucky’s coffee table, a genuine smile pulling across their face as they took it up. “Looks delicious,” they hummed, bending down to kiss her before falling back on the couch.

     They ate together in relative silence, gulping down the tea she poured for them like they’d just finished a marathon. Bucky took their dishes to the sink and went about trying to clear some of the others out and into the dishwasher while they were there. Arms snaking around their waist had a smirk tugging at their lips.

     “Bedroom?” they asked, “Or are you sick of me?”

     “I said everything, didn’t I?”

     Bucky cocked their head. “Getting mouthy, huh?”

     She shrugged.

     Bucky snorted a laugh. “Need the bathroom first?”

     She seemed to think it over for a moment, shaking her head eventually.

     “Mind if I do?” Another shake of her head. And then she was following after Bucky all the way up to the bathroom door. “What’s the matter, princess, you wanna watch? Didn’t think you’d be into that.”

     “Can’t a girl just get a little clingy?” she pouted, quickly turning into a grin when Bucky cupped her face to kiss her.

     “Of course she can.”

     They let her hover as they went, winking in her direction just to watch her hide her face and shy away. Cutting the faucet off, they reached for their mouthwash and tossed back a mouthful to swish.

     “Oh,” she whispered, “should I...?”

     Bucky hummed in question, tossing her head back to gargle before spitting. “What?”

     “Well, since we ate... Should I also...?”

     Shaking their head, Bucky wiped at their mouth. “No, I don’t care about that, I’m just gonna...” They looked down, motioning to her hips. “If you want, I mean.”

     Without a word, she reached for the mouthwash, taking some for herself. She didn’t even pat her mouth dry before bringing their lips together, Bucky cupping her neck when she did. “I’m not waiting until after to kiss you again.”

     Grinning, Bucky hummed, “That’s smart. Good strategy. ’Cause I plan on being down there a while.”

     And they were not lying, not even exaggerating. They kept her locked in the throes of ecstasy for what felt like hours, very well could have been with the blackout curtains in their bedroom keeping her oblivious to time. On her back, on her stomach, face pressed into the sheets and hips lifted into the air so Bucky could lap at her greedily. They pumped their fingers into her at that angle, making her shake and scream into the sheets, the decision not to relieve herself biting her in the ass at that moment. But, fuck, it felt so good. Having Bucky hands grip at her possessively, mouth pulling orgasms from her like it was second nature.

     “I messed up your makeup, pretty girl,” they teased after pulling her head up to kiss her breathless after they’d already ripped all the air from her lungs a second before. “One more.”

     God, she didn’t know if she could. Allowed herself to be set over Bucky’s face anyway, their sharp crystalline eyes staring up at her. She had to grip the headboard to keep from collapsing, muscles tensed like she was in permanent orgasm as their skilled tongue lapped through her slit just to make more of a mess of her. It wasn’t until her next one actually hit that she realized just what the woman under her had done to her nerves.

     “Fuck!” she cried, unable to control herself any longer and feeling a hot burst of liquid erupt from her.

     Bucky’s hands gripped her ass tighter, pulling her closer as they hummed against her. “Mm, that’s it, that’s my good fucking girl.”

     Her thighs were shaking so hard she was sure it was only Bucky keeping her upright, knew it was Bucky flipping her onto her back in the blink of an eye. They stayed eye level with her pussy, staring in awe at the thick stream that was oozing from her entrance.

     “You’re so fucking wet, oh, my god.” They couldn’t help themselves, leaning in for another taste even as she clamped her thighs. “Okay,” they panted, “Okay, okay, okay.”

     Crawling up her body, they left slick kisses in a trail straight to her mouth, humming in response to her moan when she tasted herself soaked into Bucky’s skin. They dropped onto their side, pulling her with them to hold onto her as she tried through choked swallows to catch her breath. She could barely kiss back, just pecking at first until her soul started creeping back into her body and she was able to cling onto Bucky and slot her lips into theirs. Slow again, after the world had spun so fast she thought she’d fly off of it.

     “Can I ask you something?”

     She nodded dazedly.

     “Can I put a plug in your ass?” At her groan, Bucky tried, “You seemed into it on the couch, I just thought I’d ask.”

     “Yes,” she strained, “Yes, you can- Yes, just yes.”

     Sliding back from her carefully, Bucky stepped to the dresser at the end of their bed, digging through the bottom drawer for just what they needed. “Just a little one, okay?”

     Nodding, she looked down to watch the woman approaching her again, bottle of lube and bright yellow plug in hand.

     “Can you get back on your knees for me, sweetheart?”

     She wasn’t sure at first, took her time rising back up. But she was half slumped onto the mattress anyway, face in Bucky’s pillow and knees knocked together to shield her aching core.

     “Good girl,” Bucky cooed, lining the pointed tip up at her tight entrance after getting it soaked in lube. She clenched under the touch, hips pushing back on their own. “That’s it, nice and slow...” They draped over her back as they pushed in slowly, cooing into her ear as she took it. Their hips nudged against their hand, thrusting the plug in and out shallowly a few times before really pushing forward. She nearly sobbed under them. “Yeah, suck it in... There you go, baby.”

     Her hands were fisted in the sheets, thighs once again squeezing together as tight as they could under the constant pressure inside her. Bucky shushed her gently as they rolled her onto her side again, wiping their hands off with a wet wipe before joining her. She burrowed into their arms, wrapping her own around their shoulders.

     “Feel good?”

     “Mhm,” she nodded, returning their kisses.

     Hands grabbed at her back, at every inch of skin they could reach, falling to her ass to force her against the thigh that had slipped between hers. Bucky watched as she let her head fall back, lips parted in a constant stream of moans and pants, eyes nearly unfocused, and brows no longer even knitted after so much pleasure had strung them together they snapped.

     “You’re so beautiful,” Bucky breathed, feeling her smear across their thigh without layers of fabric between them.

     “B-Bucky, please...”

     It made them push her onto her back again, legs forcing hers into the positions they needed to be in so Bucky could mount her and grind them together where they needed it most.

     “God, yes!”

     Bare, silken flesh slid against a downy of deep brown, Bucky lifting her leg up and onto their shoulder with a lingering kiss to her calf. They thrusted down into her, watching as she gripped at the sheets to no relief, hands growing frantic for something to cling to. They found her own breasts, squeezing at them and massaging the aching peaks atop them. Bucky was in awe, mouth parted and little breathy grunts leaving it.

     Until they couldn’t take it anymore. If they weren’t inside her within the minute, something inside them was going to break.

     She squinted through bleary eyes when the friction was gone from her, core clenching around nothing but causing the plug to push deeper and make her whimper. She could hear her heart pounding in her ears as she watched Bucky get their strap secured around their thighs and hips, cock already secured to it.

     “Good?” they asked, giving it a stroke with their metal fist. She nodded dumbly, stuck just staring. “Just enough that you can feel it, right, sweetheart?”

     Her cheeks were ablaze, knowing they caught her slip-up before painting her face, knowing they were holding onto it for this exact moment. Knowing she had said it didn’t have to be too big, when the cock staring at her didn’t fit that bill at all.

     “I’ve got smaller ones, if you want,” they offered softly, coming to stroke at her cheek.

     “No,” she shook her head, still staring. “I want it.”

     “Yeah?” Bucky crawled onto the bed when she nodded, pushing her legs up as they went until they were bent beautifully and her toes were curling in anticipation. They dropped down then, hovering a breath away to stare into her eyes up close. “You want my cock, sweetheart?”

     “Yes, please. Want it so bad, Bucky.”

     “I know you do,” they cooed, dropping to kiss at her cheek. “You wanted it the second you saw me in line, huh?”

     Fuck, she was so caught. In every way possible, Bucky had caught her.

     “You looked so cute standing there all quiet and shy.” A kiss to her other cheek. “So polite. Saying please over and over, thanking me for every little thing. Such good manners, such a good little girl for me.”

     “Y-yes, Bucky,” she whined, feeling the plug move back and forth with each clench of her muscles. They went taut when something began poking at her slit.

     “Get me all wet for you, baby,” Bucky purred, staring down at how she made the head of their cock glisten with a simple pass through her. “That’s it...”

     The head slipped in, making her eyes roll back before it was pulled away again. “Please, please, I need it so, so bad.”

     “I know you do.” Again it went in. And out. “You’re gonna tell me if it’s too much, right? If the plug gets uncomfortable or you’re too full, right?”

     “Yes, yes, I-I’ll tell you.”

     “Promise?” Bucky drawled.

     “Yes, I promise!”

     “Good girl.”

     Then it went in again. It kept going in. Until she thought there was no more left, and then it went some more.

     “Oh, my god,” she gasped, wheezed, forced out through a slack jaw.

     Bucky stared down at her, biting their lip at the sight of her coming undone beneath them. The best feeling in the world, made even better by the fact that it was her. Her, who Bucky had only known for a matter of collective hours. Fuck, they were done for.

     It started slow, deep, focused thrusts to ease her open and get the toy drenched in her. A curling long lingering in her stomach started to twist again, hands finding the backs of her thighs as Bucky watched her open up for them. Their eyes quickly went to hers when they started a pace. Experimental at first, testing each push in to see how it made her face twitch. When she sucked in a breath, they knew they had her.

     Fists planted on either side of her waist, a rhythmic, quiet clapping beginning to sound between them. Her hands once again tried to find something to cling to, coming upon firm muscle and solid metal that she tugged on until Bucky gave in and dropped even closer to her. Once their lips touched, that was it. Quiet clapping turned to thunderous slaps, the tape still plastered to Bucky’s chest brushing against her stiff nipples, making her arch up into the friction. Fingers found their way to her mouth, pushing in easily through her endless moans. She sucked them on instinct, still continuing to moan around them as Bucky stared down at her.

     “Like being stuffed in every hole, princess? Hm? Like showing me what a good girl you are?”

     She nodded, unable to voice her confirmation. Bucky’s fingers played around her tongue, cock stroking at her sweet spot just right to have her gasping around the digits.

     It gave Bucky a mark to hit every time, arms winding around their neck to claw at their back and tug at their hair. They pulled from her mouth to hear her beg mindlessly. And so a fist could run down to press into her lower stomach.

     “That’s it, baby, cum. Cum on my cock like a good little girl.” She moaned from the very bottom of her chest, body trying to curl and protect itself from the force of what was coming. “Come on, baby, come on. Gimme what I want, soak my fuckin’ cock.”

     Fireworks burst across her eyelids, ears ringing for a split second before a rush came over them. She was so full, so unbelievable full, babbling incoherently to be even fuller.

     “Please, Bucky, please, please, please. Oh, my g- oh, my god, please! Fuck, please!”

     “Give it to me,” they sneered, fucking into her deep enough to knock the wind from her each time.

     “Fu- ah- fuck,” she sobbed, feeling everything in her snap and burst into a million different sparks that lit fires all across her. First in her core, rushing immediately into her stomach and thighs until it had traveled all over and she was squeezing her thighs hopelessly around the wall of muscle between them.

     “Oh, yeah,” Bucky goaded, “Soak my bed, baby, that’s it.”

     Fuck, she was. The hot rush of it pooling over her ass and splash of it against Bucky’s relentless hips bouncing onto her stomach.

     “Oh, my god!”

     Bucky was determined. To kill her or give her pleasure like she’d never known, she wasn’t sure there was difference at that point. Not when strong hands were suddenly grabbing for her and shoving her onto her knees, holding her up when she began to fall. Their cock sank back into her, solid chest over her soaked back as they forced a hand between her cinched thighs.

     “Please, Bucky, I- fuck! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t-”

     “Mm, I think you can, princess.”

     Their hips hit against the base of the plug with each thrust, effectively fucking her in both holes and causing her to scream into the dimly lit bedroom. Christ, their neighbors, their fucking neighbors...

     “Let them hear,” Bucky panted, “Let them hear how good I fuck you.”

     Had she said it out loud? Whatever, it didn’t matter. Bucky had either heard her or read her mind, and she didn’t know which one was more humiliating. Which one made her walls flutter more.

     The hand between her thighs was stiff, fighting against every ounce of strength she had in her legs to keep it out. It still managed to get to her clit, circling the raw nerves until she felt hot tears spilling over her cheeks.

     “Fucking... please!” she gritted, teeth grinding to an almost painful degree.

     “Please what?”

     She didn’t even know, gave up trying to figure out. Every pound of the hips behind hers set off sparks in her that she couldn’t discern were pain or pleasure. It was this raw kind of feeling... Overstimulation, maybe. Metal fingertips tweaking at her nipple making her tug at the sheets so hard the fitted one snapped free.

     Another empty plea was about to rip its way out of her throat when suddenly something white was right in her face, blue eyes staring at her as a meow broke through the cacophony of debauchery.

     “Shit!” Bucky hissed, stilling their hips and prying off of her back. Still buried to the hilt. “Fuck, what time is it?”

     She was useless, gasping into the sheets she was finally able to collapse into.

     “I’m so sorry, are you alright?”

     She barely managed to swallow, voice taking a few tries before she squeaked out, “Yeah.”

     “Are you sure?” Lips landed between her shoulder blades, hands soothing over her hips. She only nodded, nothing left in her to do much else. “Let me just feed her real quick, I didn’t realize how late it was.”

     “How...” Oh, it was pointless.

     Bucky chuckled, “It’s almost seven already.”

     Seven fucking hours. Literally.

     “I’ll be right back, sweetheart. Hold still...”

     She did, no choice but to do exactly that, as Bucky slowly pulled out of her and placed another kiss at the base of her spine. Then the bed shook a few times, footsteps sounding alongside eager paws.

     “Why would you do that?” She heard Bucky ask playfully. “Why would you interrupt your daddy like that, huh? Were you starving? C’mon, Pinocchio, let’s eat.”

     It was a miracle she could wheeze out a laugh, the sound of water running and excited meows coming from the kitchen making her smile weakly. Her hips had collapsed without Bucky’s support, a shaky hand reaching back to try and grip onto the base of the plug. There wasn’t even enough strength in her fingers to grab onto it. So she just laid there, heart hammering and breath ever so slowly leveling to something akin to normal. Her eyes shut on their own, body melting further and further into the mattress until she heard a door close.

     “Here, baby,” Bucky offered, sitting on the bed beside her limp form to pull her onto her side and up enough to take the water in their other hand. “There you go, easy.”

     She gulped at it, more desperate for it than she realized, nearly taking the entire glass down before the sight in front of her made her snort into it and choke as a result.

     “What?” Bucky fretted, patting her back as she coughed between laughs.

     “S-sorry,” she sputtered, “Just... You wearing that while feeding your cat is fucking crazy.”

     Following her gaze, Bucky looked down to the strap still around their hips and the toy still connected to it, glistening with a layer of clear arousal and streaks of milky white. They busted out laughing, too.

     “I was in fight or flight, fucking cat scared the shit out of me.”

     “I wouldn’t even recognize being scared in that moment if I had been.”

     “Yeah?” Bucky smirked, setting the empty glass on their nightstand when she finished off its contents, droplet of water rolling down her chin. “Why, something happen then, or...?”

     She snorted, flopping back down onto the bed. Her face turned into the pillow. “How have we been fucking for seven hours?”

     “It was more like five or so,” Bucky countered, unashamed as they reached out to squeeze at her thigh and ass.

     “Take that out, please,” she breathed.

     “Uncomfortable?”

     “No, just...” Her thought died, metal fingers slipping between her cheeks to push at the plug.

     “Then why take it out? You’re not tapping out, are you?”

     One eye emerged from the pillow, locking onto Bucky with a warning that quickly became a plea as the plug prodded deeper with each push.

     “One more,” Bucky bargained, “One more before you go.”

     Her teeth sank into her bottom lip, eyes going hooded under the dull tease of pressure from through her inner wall. “Yes, please.”

     Bucky let her stay just as she was, hips flat to the mattress and torso angled slightly back at them. They sank back in easily, both of them moaning airily. A hand pressed into hers, fingers slotting together as metal snaked under her to hold her close. It was too much. The overstimulation back, the heat of Bucky’s chest blanketing her, the way they began to pepper kisses across her shoulder and cheek as they murmured to her about how beautiful she was.

     The first tear was falling before she could even feel it form, a stunted sob following it.

     “Sh,” Bucky cooed, biting back their own surge of emotion. “Sh, baby, just feel me. Be here with me.”

     She nodded, breaking her hand from their grasp to twist her wrist so they were palm to palm. Another kiss fell on her cheek, lips dragging down to the corner of her mouth. Hips bounced off of her ass, once again targeting the spot inside her that had her seeing stars. She moaned, no longer trying to fight the spell Bucky had over her body.

     Bucky panted through the thin space between their lips and her skin, staring down at the way tears dripped off her lashes and onto their pillow. The base of their cock was nudging at their clit with each thrust, pulling quiet moans from them just as they did her.

     “Please...” That time she knew what she was asking for, squeezing her eyes in hopes it would be true when she opened them.

     “I know, baby,” Bucky sighed, “I know.”

     Faster, the creak of the bed finally audible without her screams. Her lips fell open, moan catching on the emotion that had welled in the back of her throat. Just as messy and desperate as their joining. Bucky’s hand squeezing hers prompted her to do the same, other burning across sheets to find the silver fingers under her.

     “Cum for me, baby. Please.”

     She clenched her stomach, chasing the feeling of rough knuckles digging into her. It worked, or maybe the memory worked, ripping a moan from her as she began to spasm helplessly.

     Bucky held onto her, eyes trained on her as a rupture started in their own core. It drove them to pound down into her harder, prolonging both of their releases until neither one of them could make any sound more than a weak groan. And Bucky kept going even then, savoring the way she seized up under them and tugged at their hands.

     “Fuck, Bucky, fuck...” It was so good, so painfully good, had her feeling more wet heat pool beneath her hips and sated enough not to care.

     “That’s my girl... That’s my girl.”

     Not a good girl, not a sweet girl or a pretty girl. Simply theirs.

     “Yours,” she whined, still feeling the aftershocks shooting throughout her as hips finally stilled against her own.

     “You’re so perfect,” Bucky hummed, capturing her lips through unsteady breaths.

     She tried to twist into them more, stopped by the ache in her limbs and the hold on her body. Bucky listened to her squeak of frustration and sought to fix it, pulling their hips back to slip from her and fall down gently in front of her. They both just laid there, holding one another and catching their breath, her fingers dancing over Bucky’s cheeks and nose, down to the little dimple in their chin. Bucky did the same with their eyes, fingers too preoccupied writing out words on her back that they hoped she couldn’t decipher.

     When they saw tears starting to reform in her eyes, they smiled sadly. “I know,” they whispered, “It’s okay. It’s a lot your first time.”

     “Fuck you,” she snorted between sniffles.

     Bucky gave her a squeeze.

     She shook her head, not believing that it was over, pushing forward to capture the lips she was sure she’d crave the rest of her life. Maybe she got a little dramatic after... um... five... No, six! Six? Whatever number of orgasm. Bucky had just wrecked her nervous system in the best possible way, that was all.

     They held each other another hour until Bucky crawled out of the bed to bring her more water and at least two damp cloths. She didn’t count, taking slow, even sips from her glass as Bucky finally pulled the plug from her and cleaned her up. Surely, she still looked a mess, nothing but maybe a bottle of micellar water able to possibly rid her of the evidence of what she’d gotten up to before stepping back into her friend’s apartment. Maybe a gallon.

     Bucky dressed first, wetting their fingers and running them through their hair before they went to help her back into her clothes. They eased her panties up slowly, placing them over her gently. And the same with her bloomers. Her blouse, her socks, her boots that Bucky laced up and tied off with secure double knots. She felt like a princess, eyes fluttering when lips pressed to her forehead.

     “Ready?”

     “Yeah,” she lied, clutching the sea lion to her chest.

     Bucky took the train with her, making sure she got where she was going. They were just outside her friend’s building, staring at one another, neither of them wanting to say it.

     “Text me when you leave tomorrow,” they ordered, “And when the plane lands and everything.”

     “Okay.”

     More staring. Finally Bucky sighed and grabbed her face, her own hand went to their waist, trying to memorize the feel of firm yet soft flesh under them. Bucky’s dropped to her hips, squeezing them in a claim and a promise. She brought her arms up to link around Bucky’s neck, squishing the sea lion in the process. Her fingers went up into their hair, twirling the soft strands and tracing down to their nape where they let out a happy hum.

     “I like that,” they murmured.

     “I know.”

     So she did it again, teasing her tongue over Bucky’s lips like they’d done so much to her.

     Just stay. She could just stay.

     She couldn’t.

     “Hope this place has an elevator.”

     She snorted at the comment, accepting that it was happening. “I’d be sleeping in the lobby if it didn’t. No way I’d make it up stairs, I barely got up and down the subway with you basically carrying me.”

     “You’ll sleep like a rock,” Bucky grinned, tracing her cheek with their thumb then their knuckles.

     “I’ll come back,” she whispered, trying to convince herself maybe more than Bucky.

     “I’ll be here.”

     One more kiss. One more. One more.

     She waved shyly from the door to the building and again at the one inside it. Once more just before she disappeared around a corner.

     And Bucky went home, walked home, going through the rest of their smokes and into a bodega to get more. They stood in their doorway a moment after walking in, slumped down on their couch where a throw pillow was still on the floor and her scent was lingering in the cushions. Their phone buzzed against their thigh.

     It was a link to a reel, dumbass sea lion popping up on their screen when they clicked it. They chuckled at it, smile lingering but eventually falling.

Two Months Later

     Her mother had grown curious about her sudden demeanor, the way she laughed at her phone more often and hid away in her room more than usual. She managed to play it off like she’d found some new game to keep her occupied, but more than a few times she caught the skeptical look on her mother’s face. But then she could curl under the covers and talk about the new manhwa that’d just come out, or zoom in on the reflection in a little white cat’s eyes to catch its owner faintly within them. And everything just seemed so simple.

Six Months Later

     She didn’t blame either of them. It was just distance and maybe some kind of resentment that left their text thread dry. She was too much of a coward for phone calls, petrified that somehow just the sound of Bucky’s voice would give them away. And there were only so many things to talk about in a day. But it stung as she scrolled through the little bubbles, all the way up until the link to a comic was the only thing left.

     Humiliation kept her from sending anything more. She didn’t think about what had stopped Bucky.

Eleven Months Later

     That ache was killing her, ripping her apart from the inside out. She turned to apps and bars a town over, chasing after this feeling that never came. Not with a date, not with a kiss, not with wandering hands in the backseats of old Subarus. She was just crushed under the weight of loss and dread that somehow, someway, someone was going to find out about where she’d been going in pursuit of the fleeting happiness she felt for only a few hours.

One Year Later

     Cheeks stained with tears and a looming awkwardness in her house, she looked through classified listings, searching for one that she knew wasn’t buried in the sea of ads.

Two Years Later

     It wasn’t quite suffocating, but just shy of it. The sway of the train spiking her nerves further as she texted with her friend. She’d gotten on the wrong one, not used to the system yet even after being there well over a month. What was supposed to take her over to Grand Central, and right by her friend, had instead taken her down into Williamsburg. A bead of sweat ran down her neck from nothing more than anxiety alone.

     She swayed as the train came to a stop, still staring down at her phone as her friend tried to guide her through getting on the right one through spotty service and frantic texts. She wasn’t looking, yelped when she crashed into a solid build trying to step out onto the platform. Her phone was knocked out of her hands, falling at the pair of combat boots in front of her own Mary Janes.

     “Sorry!” she squeaked, bending down to pick up her cell but stopping when the other person beat her to it.

     Following them as they rose back to their full height, she found herself frozen, eyes blown wide as they stared at crystalline eyes and chestnut tresses that were the tiniest bit shorter than she remembered. Bucky did the same, looking over her outfit and the hints of pink, purple, and blue that were carefully placed throughout it. They looked back up to her face after a moment, holding out her phone for her to take.

     She did so wordlessly, not caring to check for cracks.

     A small smile threatened to pull at Bucky’s lips. “Hey,” they croaked.

     Again.

     The hiss of frozen steam rushing out around him. Another careful recitation of his orders before he was even fully thawed.

     Again.

     The face underneath him contorting with pain, tears welling as he was instructed to keep going.

     Again.

     Again.

     Again.

     The sob on his lips was half choked, gasped into the darkness as he sat up.

     Again, he had found himself waking from a nightmare that was equal parts his memory and his present.

     And when he wiped the sweat from his forehead and reached to find the subject of his terror, to confirm that she was peaceful and safe beside him, the only thing he found was a scrunched comforter and a dark patch in her sheets at about waist-high.

     Bucky’s blood went cold, his feet catching in the bedding when he tried to flee and causing him to stumble out and onto the carpet. It stung under his palm, at the heels of his feet where they scrambled to push him up against the wall. He felt his lips moving but couldn’t hear his own voice as his heart began thudding in his ears. There was a prick of nerves in his soles when he tried to stand, like the kind that happened when the earth slipped out from under them too quickly. It seared up his legs and straight into his spine, his back skidding across wood paneling until he was close enough to the door to fall out of it if he turned.

     “Shit! You scared me!”

     On instinct, he had reached out to grab for what he’d run into, sweaty palm latched onto the sleeve of a sweatshirt that felt familiar.

     “I tried not to wake you.”

     The ringing in his ears was beginning to fade, vision slowly focusing back in just in time to see the woman before him go almost sheepish under his gaze.

     “Sorry, I... I-I can’t predict it well, it’s not... consistent.”

     Hold tightening and brows furrowing, he looked her over. Only briefly, only enough to make sure she was really standing before him on her own two feet.

     “I know it’s sort of gross, I’m gonna change the sheets now that you’re awake, but it might have gone through to the mattress.”

     “Are you hurt?” he hissed, “Did... did I...”

     His initial question had already caused her to look at him curiously, the way his voice trailed off into nothingness making her finally take in the way his skin was more than glistening with sweat. He was drenched, hair stuck to his face where it was flushed a splotchy crimson.

     “Are you alright?”

     “Are you hurt?” he strained, clinging to her tighter and yet taking a step back.

     Her head shook, hand that wasn’t holding a damp cloth coming to wrap around his elbow. “No, Bucky, I’m fine. I mean, the cramps were bad enough to wake me up, but I’m not... I’m not hurt.”

     “Cramps?” he fretted.

     “Yeah...” When her embarrassed confusion didn’t erase the worried confusion on his face, she motioned vaguely to her lower half, drawing his gaze down to her change of underwear. “Cramps.”

     It took Bucky two, three, four blinks of his eyes to finally see her panties were gone, in their place, a pair of boxer briefs not dissimilar to his own. And then it dawned on him. The blood on her sheets, the awkward explanations, cramps, new underwear.

     “Christ,” he heaved, lips quivering before he clamped them shut to swallow harshly. His hand fell away from her, pressing to his forehead and wiping at his damp strands. “Of course, yeah. Sorry, I- I’m a fucking idiot.”

     “No, you’re not.” A moment passed. “You are soaking wet, though. Are you alright?”

     Tentatively finding her gaze, he nodded and forced himself to swallow again. “Yeah, just... bad dream again.”

     Her fingers danced at his forearm, only moving to wrap around his wrist when he didn’t flinch away. “I’m sorry.”

     Yeah. He was, too.

     In the silence, she tried to lighten the mood hanging heavy in the air. “Well, now you’ve really seen it all. Dirty sheets and men’s boxers.”

     Bucky forced the corner of his mouth into a smile, meeting her gaze again to try and sell it to her. He could tell she wasn’t buying it by the way her thumb began to soothe across the back of his hand. “I’m alright,” he sighed, sensing her skepticism before she could voice it. “Really. Just need a minute.”

     With a nod, she squeezed his hand and stepped around him to start stripping the bed.

     It was almost painful how tightly he clamped his eyes shut, the action making him dizzy once he opened them again. He was still trying to shake off the hum of anxiety that had buzzed him awake. It was beginning to twist into something heavier, something that almost made him crumble to the floor. But he was determined to push through it, lugging himself over to her bed where she was separating out the stained sheets.

     “It’s okay, I got it.”

     “It’s fine,” he shrugged, “It’s just... blood.”

     She was quiet after he said it, still hesitating to let him take the sheets from her hold.

     “Want them in the wash?”

     She took a step forward. “I can do it, Bucky, really. I’ve gotta rinse them out first, just- I’ll do it.”

     Bucky shook his head. “I’ll bring ’em in there and grab new ones. Do what you gotta do here.” His chin jutted toward her mattress and the few drops that had seeped into it.

     Reluctantly, she let him walk out with the wad of sheets, skin ready to melt off her face before she forced herself to turn to the bed again.

     Her bathroom light was already on when he stepped into the hall, door wide open and leaving the familiar pair of panties on her sink on display. His eyes were boring into them as he set the sheets down on the vanity beside them, damp from where she’d rinsed them, but still painted a pale crimson. All he could see was her face, the version of it contorted with pain instead of pleasure, the tears that had spilled past her lashes from the same. 

     He was falling forward before he could stop himself, hand reaching for the counter at the last second. The ringing was back, droning under the echo of a scream that he knew had been real at one point as he hunched and stared down at her soiled garments. They doubled, spinning around and fading in and out. And the next thing he knew, he was slamming backwards into the corner of wall separating the linen closet and her shower, ass hitting the floor with a heavy thud.

     The sound made her jump from where she was scrubbing at her mattress, a call of his name falling from her lips reflexively. She didn’t wait for a response before running to him.

     “What happened?!” she cried, dropping to her knees beside him and cupping the back of his head to feel for blood. His hair was so wet from sweat, she had to pull her hold away and check it under the light, nothing but a clear sheen on it. Before her opposite hand could make it to his cheek, he took hold of it, grabbing at it for dear life as he curled into her with a sob. Again, she tried, “What’s wrong?! What happened?”

     “I’m sorry,” he whimpered through his shaky cries, trying to bury himself in the small crook of her neck.

     Her arms were around him in a breath, pulling him in to try and appease how desperately he seemed to want to push into her. “It’s okay,” she cooed, “It’s okay, I’m here.”

     When his sobs only grew louder, she couldn’t stop herself from leaning back to try and look at him, try and find an answer for what she could do in the frenzy of his gaze. It was locked over her shoulder, her neck nearly snapping as she looked in its direction. Her sheets. More specifically, the blood stain on them. Keeping one arm secure around him, she reached back to push them out into the hall and shut the door behind them.

     “Bucky, look at me.”

     It took her hands forcefully guiding their foreheads together, nowhere for his eyes to look but at hers. When they met, she felt her own beginning to sting at the sight of his so glassy and terrified.

     “I didn’t- they- I couldn’t stop it! I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t stop it, I couldn’t... God, forgive me!”

     The rawness in his voice, the way he shrunk back into her midway through his babbling, stunned her in place. She couldn’t move for the first few moments after, eyes set on a random place in her bathroom, wide and unmoving. It wasn’t until a particularly wet and pained sob left him that she snapped back together, her arms locking around him once more to try and stitch him back up the same.

     “Sh, I’m here.” Because she couldn’t think of anything else to say in an attempt to soothe him. “I’m here.”

     Each breath was a gasp as Bucky continued to heave, his eyes useless behind the wall of tears even if he dared to open them. He could feel her sweatshirt growing damp beneath his face, couldn’t find the strength to pry himself off of it. Her hold on him wasn’t enough. It was too much. He reached around to grab onto her back, palm instinctively pushing under her clothes to get to bare skin.

     “Breathe, Bucky.”

     She was warmer than usual, didn’t flinch when his fingertips dug into her flesh in a wave of tension that permeated throughout his body.

     “In... and out.”

     Her ribs expanded and retracted under his hold a few times before he could feel his own trying to match their pace. It was shaky at first, nothing more than puttering and hiccups that barely took in air. A slight pressure at his back coaxed it into a shallower rhythm, her hand pushing and releasing from him to mimic his lungs.

     “There. It’s over. It’s over.”

     The bathroom light was harsh against his eyes when they opened, wet lashes fluttering a few times before he adjusted. In the wake of adrenaline and anxiety, the layer of sweat on him grew sticky, a second skin that sat over his own like a weighted reminder. It was uncomfortable, but not enough for him to try and pull away from her touch.

     “I’m sorry,” he rasped into her neck, voice foreign to his own ears after his cries.

     He could feel her head shake, the hand that had guided him through his heaving staying put while the other sought out his cheek. It loosened him from his place atop her shoulder, fingertips prying his hair off of his cheek to tuck behind his ear. His eyes were still afraid to meet hers, the visions of them in his mind still fresh, still real enough for him to fear finding them before him.

     “Was I in it again?”

     Guilt winding its way through his features, he nodded, swallowing down the thorns in his throat.

     “It was just a dream,” she stressed, “I’m here. I’m safe. You didn’t hurt me.”

     Not yet.

     Her thumb coming to wipe under his eye caused him to list into the touch, a hitch in his breath making his brows to furrow with embarrassment when she rested her palm on his cheek just how he wanted.

     He looked so pitiful under her hold, small and meek despite his broad and powerful frame. Remnants of tears and a bit of snot still clung to his face, lips beginning to dry out as he breathed through them. Even with all his enhancements, he could still crumble, could still find himself stuffed up after a body-wracking cry.

     “I’m sorry,” he echoed.

     In place of a head shake, she leaned in, lingering close to make sure he wouldn’t pull away. When he didn’t, she closed the distance and planted her lips to his forehead, feeling his hand shift to fist in her sweatshirt. They lingered there, collecting salt from his skin, until she felt him melt slightly in her grasp.

     “What do you need?”

     He needed the last twenty years back. He needed his mind to not be so plagued with visions of actions carried out by his own hands but not by his own will. He needed to not want to shrink out of existence every time his eyes met hers and there was nothing but understanding behind her gaze. He needed to feel worthy of having it fall on him at all.

     “I-I don’t know...”

     She trailed her eyes over him again, taking in the twitch to his brows and the way his lips still trembled slightly. A bead of sweat ran down from behind his ear, slowing as it approached his chest and got lost in his skin.

     “Maybe a shower would feel good,” she suggested.

     Bucky sat a moment longer, not necessarily wanting to break from her embrace, but with each passing second his skin grew clammier under the stagnant air of the bathroom. So he nodded, and nodded again when she pressed him for confirmation. He let her shuffle around him to turn the faucet on, pipes groaning when she switched it to the shower head. The end of her sleeve was wet when she pulled her arm back through the curtain and wiped her hand on her chest.

     “Want me to get in with you?”

     Shaking his head, Bucky swallowed thickly in anticipation of standing again. When she pushed herself back onto her haunches, he finally looked up at her face. It was even and patient, a small smile pulling at her features as she waited. Her gasp was barely audible over the hiss of the water when he pushed in to kiss her. Nothing more than a press of their lips, motionless yet weighted, full of things he was too afraid and unprepared to say. Her hands came to rest on his shoulders, fingers featherlight where they skimmed across his skin to his neck.

     “I’m sorry,” he breathed, their lips still touching.

     “Bucky,” she sighed, nuzzling their noses.

     His throat felt raw again when he swallowed. “I know.”

     Moving her hands up to press her thumbs into his jaw, she guided his head back from hers enough for them to lock eyes. “Come on, let’s get you in the shower.” Everything else could wait.

     She was careful to hold his gaze as she let her hands fall, one taking his to help him to his feet with her. He was still as sturdy as ever when he did, muscle not failing him when he needed it despite the weakness in his eyes. Like that of a nervous animal. It made her all the more determined to make sure he never so much as even tried to look over his shoulder to where her panties were still draped over the edge of the sink.

     “Too warm?” she asked, moving their hands through the curtain and under the stream.

     “No, it’s fine.”

     Nodding, she let go of his hand to let him shove his boxers from his hips. And under the cover of him stepping into the tub, she snatched her garment off the sink and balled it tightly in her fist. “I’ll finish making the bed,” she spoke through the small gap in the curtain, his eyes peering through it. “Take your time, okay? I’ll be right outside if you need anything.”

     The urge to apologize again sat thickly at the back of his throat, barely managing to be swallowed down.

     He waited until he heard her step out into the hall, bathroom door left cracked, before he sunk down onto the floor of the tub. His shoulders slumped and head bowed, he let the water rush over him and pour onto his face, taking the remnants of tears and anything else with it. He didn’t let himself soak in it too long, not wanting to waste her water like he would his own, and reached for her shampoo once his eyes were wiped clear.

     Before he brought it to his head, he held it for a moment, thumb running over the corner of the label where it was peeling slightly. It moved up to the cap, pressing in to pop it open as he brought it to his nose. A wash of memories fell over him. Good ones. Ones of her on his porch as the wind picked up. Of her on her own porch and his face digging into his pillow in search of her. They were perfect and innocent, everything he wasn’t, and the contrast made fresh tears begin to sting at his eyes. For one reason or another, they burned more than his last.

     Her bottom lip was raw, her tongue pulling copper into her mouth more than a few times when she licked at it. But she couldn’t stop picking at skin that didn’t want to be peeled off, eyes staring into the aged linoleum of her kitchen as the washing machine thudded quietly. She’d heard the shower cut off a few minutes ago, stuck waiting for another sound of movement from him to figure out her next move.

     It came when the floor just outside the bathroom popped like it always did, her eyes shooting up to wait for him to turn the corner. She almost laughed affectionately when he did. Just this mountain of a man, sopping wet and pitiful, holding up the pink towel around his hips in a tight fist.

     “Here,” she cooed, padding over to grab the boxers and sweatshirt that had found their way from his dresser to hers somewhere throughout the week.

     He moved in a way that was almost clinical, unashamed to shed the towel in the middle of the hall. Which, she supposed he had no reason to be shy, but it was a little unnerving how silent he was as he moved. She took the towel from where he’d set it on the small counter beside her dryer, holding it open in offering to dry him off. He stepped into it with his eyes still cast down to the floor, his shoulders stiff when she began patting him off.

     “Wait here a second,” she said before slipping into her bathroom to retrieve a comb.

     He was still in the same spot when she stepped back out, pliant when she took his hand to guide him onto her dining chair. With the towel around his shoulders, she combed through his hair carefully, watching the excess water trickle off the ends and into the cotton beneath them.

     “There.”

     Bucky felt like a child, like he was sitting on the closed lid of the toilet in his childhood bathroom, his mother brushing through his hair as if it wouldn’t be sticking up in eight different directions come morning. He guessed maybe it was his fault when he remained silent that his sweatshirt was being held open and offered out to him like a child, too. But he slipped his arm in regardless, the other sleeve already pulled inside so it wouldn’t bother him. It smelled like her detergent and somehow felt softer than he remembered.

     “Better?” she asked, smiling softly at him when he looked up from the guidance of her palm under his chin. His beard tickled at her skin as he nodded. “Good. Here...”

     He watched her as she shuffled around, grabbing a glass from the cabinet beside the sink and filling it with ice and water. It was a sweet gesture just like all the others that night, her hand rubbing at his back as he drank the chilled water. But he couldn’t stop from thinking that she shouldn’t have to be making it. Was this just their new routine? Was this how she was doomed to spend her nights and mornings? Waking to him in a panic and having to soothe and care for him like a frightened child? Use up the kindness in her heart piecing him back together and bankrupting herself for the rest of the day? She didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve any of it.

     “Sorry,” he whispered around the rim of the glass. And before she could chide him, “For making you do all this in the middle of the night.”

     “I would have been up anyway.”

     He winced slightly at the way she shrugged off his inconvenience, hiding it behind another sip.

     The washing machine finishing pulled her away, metal clicking and thudding as she switched everything over to the dryer.

     “Bed is made,” she tried as she stepped back over to him. “If you wanna lay down again.”

     A drop of water that his lip had missed ran down the side of the glass and into the knuckle of his thumb. “Yeah,” he nodded.

     All his commotion hadn’t disturbed any of the cats, all of them still somewhere in her bedroom curled up and passed out.

     “You shouldn’t be having to take care of me,” Bucky frowned as she pulled back her covers for him. “’Specially not when you’re...”

     She laughed softly, just happy to hear him speak, see him sinking down into his pillow. “I’ll live. Not my first rodeo.”

     “You’re in pain?” he asked, turning to face her.

     “I took some ibuprofen before, I’ll be fine.”

     Bucky nodded, holding in his sigh of relief at the feel of a fresh pillowcase on his cheek. He could feel her staring at him as his own eyes searched for something to latch onto. Not anything malicious or critical, just... observational. Maybe slightly sympathetic, but more like she had something she wanted to say. When he forced his gaze to hers, she reached out to push his hair back again.

     “Can I touch you?”

     “Yeah,” he breathed.

     The sheets rustled as she slid through them, thankful when he adjusted with her so her arms could wind around his neck. He nuzzled quickly into her chest, arm digging under her to wrap around her waist. She’d changed sweatshirts after he sobbed into her other one, put on soft pajama pants to keep her comfortable and warm through the night. His fingertips ghosted over them before his palm gravitated to its favorite spot on her back, flush to her skin.

     “Mm,” she hummed, “that feels good.”

     “Yeah?”

     She nodded, drawing meaningless patterns into his shoulder blades. “You’re warm.” His thumb started to stroke at her gently when she spoke. The ache of exhaustion pulled at her eyelids, tempting them to shut as she stared at the slats of her bedroom wall. It almost took her before she craned her neck down to kiss his hairline, still damp and smelling of her. “I feel safe with you, Bucky. I trust you.”

     His eyes had already been shut, relieved after the strain they’d been under to find complete darkness in the crook of her neck. So the warmth of tears pooling in them felt good in a way, like the water had soothing over his raw throat. She fixed her head upright again, chin tucked onto his crown as his hand pushed into the base of her spine to draw her closer. He hiccuped an inhale, breathing it out slowly and evenly before he took in another.

     Her words had blanketed him, not as though they had suddenly rid him of anxiety or doubt or hatred for himself, but as though he could get through the night with them wrapped around him and everything beyond that wasn’t his problem in that moment. So he let them cling to him, let her rub at his back until her hands went slack and her breathing grew deeper. He squeezed his eyes shut and prayed to sleep through the night, to not wake them up again until the sun was high in the sky and they were both warm and boneless in its rays.

     Someone must have heard him for once because the next thing he knew there was movement all around him and his eyelids were glowing red instead of pitch black. He still felt tired, the kind that was more in his head than his bones, but he was just thankful to not have sweat soaking through his clothes and into the sheets.

     “What time is it?” he croaked, clearing his throat of sleep after hearing the quality of his voice.

     “I don’t know, I can’t see the clock.”

     Because she was still holding him. Not the same as she was when they fell asleep, her one hand was resting on his side from where she had leaned back from him slightly. His hand was still under her sweatshirt, knuckles brushing her skin where they had curled naturally in their lax state.

     “Did you feed them?”

     “I haven’t left you,” she said.

     It prompted him to pull back from her chest a bit, just enough to squint down to see the three silhouettes sitting eagerly at their feet. Snorting, he retreated back to the warm safety of her.

     “You were snoring so loud, I didn’t wanna disturb you.”

     “‘Loud’?” he groaned, “You should have woken me up.”

     The arm under him curled, squeezing him to her as she laughed breathily, “No, it wasn’t really that loud. And it was sweet. I was just happy you were sleeping, I wouldn’t have cared if you sounded like a bear.”

     He was happy, too, wished the haze of waking up could last forever so his mind couldn’t wander back to the state he was in last night. It’d been years since someone else had seen him like that, not since he was at the clinic trying to get his head sorted out. He’d never even let Sam see him in such a state. The echo of his own frantic babbling on her bathroom floor was suddenly ringing in his ears.

     “You can go back to sleep if you want, I’ll feed them.”

     “No,” he sighed, “I’ll... I wanna get up.”

     They did so slowly, working themselves first into sitting positions and petting their respective cats as they swarmed in to beg for breakfast. She cooed at him when Alpine came up close and used his chest as leverage to nudge his chin.

     “Usually it’s her job to patch me up after a night like that.”

     “You have a very noble job, your majesty.”

     The cat in question let out a rumbly noise in acknowledgement, earning a chuckle from both of them.

     Bucky remained in bed when she got up to head into the bathroom, his palm reaching out to smooth over the sheets where she had been laying. No stains, just the repeating print of dainty flowers and her leftover body heat.

     Shoulder to shoulder they worked to serve up breakfast that was more early lunch, Bucky deciding to ask for help getting the can open instead of figuring out a way to do it without the setup in his own home. He asked about coffee as she wiped her counters down, agreeing to tea when she had nothing else to offer. She brought it over to him as he was sitting on her couch, fist clenched tight the more he began to replay the nightmare.

     “Do you wanna tell me about it?” she asked quietly, fingers rubbing at the nape of his neck.

     Bucky considered it a moment, a very, very brief moment. But with a turn of his head slightly away from her, shoulders curling to make himself smaller, he whimpered out, “No.”

     He couldn’t see her nod, so she leaned closer to rest her chin on his shoulder.

     She knew he was hurting, inflicting more pain on himself than his brain alone ever could. The desperation in his cries the night before had given her some insight to just how barbaric his nightmares truly must be, and it broke her apart from the inside out. Knowing she couldn’t do anything more than hold him, couldn’t force her reassurance to really permeate the wall of self-loathing he had put up... It was devastating. A degrading, helpless kind of feeling that brought her back to a place she found herself in so often when she was small. They were similar in that way, she supposed.

     They sat there most of the day, drone of the television keeping the silence from consuming them. He let her pull him against her at some point, his back pressed to her chest so she could hold him and soothe her hands over his own chest. His body was a natural heating pad, his weight on her a welcome comfort. Each time she had to make her way to the bathroom, she returned with food that he mindlessly nibbled at. More than a few times, she heard soft snores leaving him, looking down to confirm that he had fallen into a shallow slumber.

     Dinner was leftovers, eaten in their same spots on the couch. He melted back into the cushions afterwards, hand rubbing across his stomach as hers found his nape again. That well of nerves in her stomach was chased away when he leaned in to place a kiss on her cheek, nudging his nose against the flesh so she would meet his lips with hers.

     “Thank you,” he whispered against them.

     She only nodded, smoothing her hand across to his shoulder as she pecked at him again, other coming to cup his face gently.

     Tires crunching over snow outside caught her attention but not so much as to pull her away from him until two car doors shut close enough for both of them to perk up. Her hand left his shoulder to pull at her blinds behind them, plastic parting to two men walking up to his porch.

     “What the hell?”

     “Who’s that?” she asked, looking back as Bucky stood up from the couch.

     “M-my friend I always talk about...” His eyes fell to his legs. “Where are my jeans?”

     Pushing herself up from the couch, she stepped around him and nodded, “On the rocker, hold on.”

     Bucky’s hand was shaking as he looked out her storm door, an incredulous huff leaving his lips at the sight of Sam cupping his hands over his face where he was pressing it against the window, trying to peer into Bucky’s trailer when his knocks went unanswered.

     “Here.”

     It had never been so hard to get pants on than it was in that moment, his boots equally so.

     She watched him practically sprint out of her house and porch, tucking herself closer to her dining table to try and stay somewhat hidden. Both men had turned when they heard doors shutting, one jumping down the few steps of Bucky’s porch to meet him in the snow. They latched onto each other, Bucky clearly gripping the other tightly, overjoyed to see him. A loud, playful laugh echoed through the park. It made her smile, even if there was a twinge of jealousy in her stomach.

     At her feet, Alpine had come to investigate the commotion, white paws planted on the glass of the storm door, eyes wide and curious of the scene unfolding outside. She felt her own shoot open when Bucky suddenly turned to face her through the door, two other sets of eyes on her when he did.

     “Let her out!” he called, “It’s alright.”

     Trying not to make it too obvious that she was overthinking her pajamas, she stepped into her rain boots and pushed open her storm door before stepping out to do the same with her screen door. Alpine had run through both, hopping through the remainder of snow and up to the man at Bucky’s side who was eagerly waiting to scoop the cat up.

     “There’s my favorite Barnes!” he laughed.

     A smile had spread across her lips, faltering when she looked to Bucky and saw him already looking at her, waving her over once their eyes met. She shivered with a little more than winter chill.

     “And you must be my second favorite Barnes’ favorite neighbor.”

     Her laugh was shaky not unlike her hand when she took the one offered to her, name spilling off her lips with a glance Bucky’s way.

     “Oh, I know. Sam Wilson.”

     “I know,” she echoed, crossing her arms after he dropped her hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

     “And I know it’s all been good.”

     “It has,” she smiled.

     Bucky was eager to catch her eye again, his hand aching to reach out for her when he saw how shy she had gone. She hadn’t been so nervous when she met Becca, but he also hadn’t talked his sister up as much as Sam. He could almost roll his eyes thinking about what his friend would have to say if he knew that.

     “And what about me?”

     They all turned to the other man as he walked up to them, Bucky’s eyes actually rolling before they caught the shock on her face.

     “You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” John laughed, attempting to offer his hand out to her.

     She didn’t take it at first, still staring at the man before her in bewilderment. Eventually, she snapped out of it, shaking her head and his hand at the same time. “No, no, I just... I recognize you, I- I used to see you on... tv and stuff.”

     John shocked his friends by going almost shy, ashamed, his gaze falling away as he mumbled, “Yeah, well...”

     Her eyes fled to Bucky’s, and he could read it on her face. That she was thinking about the times she’d seen John on tv, and thus was thinking about Bucky and where he was all those times. He tried his best to offer her a smile of reassurance, knew it came off more sad.

     “You mind if we kidnap him?” Sam asked, looking between the two of them.

     “No,” she said quickly, “No, of course not.”

     Bucky was still staring at her, just her, willing her to understand. Her smile said she did, a coyness in it when he stepped closer. Things were heavy between them, wrinkled and desperate to be ironed out, but all he could do in the moment was let out a sigh and duck in for a kiss. Her hand found his, giving a reassuring squeeze.

     Obnoxious whistling signaled him to pull away, his eyes opening to see her turning her head into her shoulder shyly.

     “Alright, knock it off, assholes.” His friends laughed at him, but he was only focused on her, the way her eyes met his timidly. “We’ll talk later.” It was meant to be a promise, but sounded more like a question the longer it hung there.

     “Always.”

     More cooing from beside them. Bucky rolled his eyes and caused her to giggle.

     “Okay,” he said.

     “Okay,” she nodded. When she let go of his hand, she finally glanced to the other men. “Nice to meet you both.”

     “Don’t do Walker any favors.”

     “Ha ha,” John deadpanned.

     She gave them a small laugh before turning back to her house, knowing Bucky’s eyes were on her until she disappeared behind her door.

     “You dirty dog,” Sam grinned, scratching at Alpine’s chin.

     Bucky let out a heavy breath as he turned to him. “Don’t start...”

     “Yeah, yeah. Let our asses in this house before me and my niece freeze.”

     It was... strange stepping into his home with company on his heels, Bucky glancing around his space to see the state he left it in. The usual disarray, but nothing offensive.

     “About as lifeless and boring as I expected,” John noted, comfortable enough to flop himself onto the couch.

     “Why the hell is here?” Bucky grimaced, “Why are both of you here?”

     Sam was already halfway to the bedroom, Bucky not far behind him, Alpine finally wiggling from his hold to run back into the living room. “Hm... Smells... manly.”

     Bucky scoffed. “Why wouldn’t it?”

     “So she doesn’t sleep over here?”

     At his question, Bucky rolled his eyes, watching as his friend paced around looking for something to tease him over. He was quite confident the search would come up empty.

     “What’s this?” Sam asked, plucking something off the nightstand.

     “That’s-”

     “I knew it!” With a tuck and roll across the mattress, Sam managed to dodge the hand flying out trying to take the cd from him, eyes scanning over it giddily. “Buck nasty!”

     “Knock it off.”

     “Whatta Man?” Sam beamed, glancing up to watch Bucky go sheepish. “And you’re comin’ outta her house?! I knew you two were bumpin’ uglies! You’re a dog, Buck.”

     Taking advantage of how Sam focused back in on the cd, Bucky charged over and snatched it out of his hands, clutching it protectively to his chest. “I said knock it off.” Sam held his hands up in surrender. “What’s going on? You didn’t come all this way just to give me shit.”

     The bed creaked as Sam dropped down on the end of it, his backpack shed from his shoulders and tossed onto the floor between his feet. “Wanted to check in before the big day, make sure you’re not having second thoughts.” He bent forward to dig through his bag. “And give you something. Other than shit, that is.”

     Bucky rolled his eyes again, setting the cd on his bookcase beside his toy cars. When he turned back, Sam was back on his feet, holding out his palm. Bucky looked to it, frozen and breathless for a beat, his own hand hesitating before reaching out. The silver was dull between his fingers, lettering not as sharp as it had once been all those years ago.

     “Joaquin pulled through,” Sam stated quietly.

     A lump was forming in his throat as he stared at the name under his thumb. Steven G Rogers. Most likely all that was left of him. “Thank you.”

     Sam watched as Bucky’s eyes grew shimmery and his face went sour. “There was nothing we could have done, Buck.”

     Smiling sadly at him, Bucky nodded, “I know.” His fist closed around the metal tag as he turned again to lay it on his bookcase with the other items beginning to litter it. “It’s weird, you know. We only knew each other a couple years, but it felt like forever.”

     “Time moved differently in there.”

     “Yeah.”

     “Use it as a good luck charm for Tuesday.”

     Bucky laughed. “I will.”

     “So you’re still going?”

     “Yeah.”

     “Good,” Sam grinned, throwing an arm around his friend and squeezing at his neck before they padded back out into the kitchen.

     “Ow! Barnes, your cat is as hot and cold as you are!”

     At John’s voice, Bucky groaned petulantly. He didn’t particularly want to encourage his cat to befriend John, but he also didn’t particularly want to deal with anymore hissing or whines from the blond. “Alpine, safe.” She jumped from where she was arching her back at John, moving to eye him from the coffee table instead. “Why exactly did he have to come?”

     Retracting his hand from where he was offering it out, John looked over to the other two men with a sarcastic grin. “I’m the bad news.”

     That had Bucky’s brows knitting, his eyes once again finding Sam and the somewhat guilty look on his face. It turned sympathetic as he pulled from his backpack again, this time producing a folder with several paperclips secured at the top of it.

     “What do you make of this?”

     Bucky glanced at him one more time before he took the folder, boot kicking out his dining chair so he could drop onto it and spread the contents of the folder out on his table.

     The page on the inside was a bunch of jumbled information: chemical formulas he couldn’t read and coordinates for places that didn’t mean anything to him. They seemed to be scrawled down frantically, different lines and arrows connecting something from one side of the paper to the other. Bucky looked over them a few times, but couldn’t make sense of them no matter how long he studied them.

     The opposite side of the folder had pictures, some clear and thick like they had been developed from film, others blurry and grouped together on another sheet of copy paper. Just buildings at first, hallways, rooms... More things Bucky didn’t recognize. Then white sheets lining a dark corridor that he realized were bodies when he looked closer. Lab rooms, hospital beds. One photograph of an industrial chair with thick metal restraints, broken and bent in all directions.

     His fingers curled into a fist atop the folder, eyes shooting away quickly. “Where the hell did you get this?”

     “Joaquin came through,” John echoed.

     Bucky fixed his eyes on Sam, shooting up from his chair to bite, “What is this?!”

     “I recognized that kind of chair. That’s what they had you in.”

     Shaking his head, Bucky felt his heart begin to pound. Why would they show this to him? Why would they bring him a folder of nothing but bad memories and torment for him to relive? As if he wasn’t getting enough of that from his own mind.

     “That chemical mumbo jumbo is our serum,” John called, “Well, our serum on meth. Kinda.”

     His head shook more, beginning to turn frantic as he realized what he was looking at. “No, no, they- that was the fuckin’ deal. We keep our mouths shut, they never do this shit again.” He looked to John for confirmation, getting nothing but a hollow shrug.

     “Fool us once,” he said, a sarcastic, angry look on his face.

     Snarling, Bucky shoved the folder away from him, the pages flapping as they got caught under the foot of a little stuffed bear. “How many?” he grated.

     “We don’t know,” Sam stated, voice even and cautious. “I’ve got Joaquin looking into it, but I don’t want him moving too quick.”

     His brain couldn’t keep up with the volume of thoughts firing off in it. He could feel a headache forming at the back of his neck, branching out like knives through his skull and into his temples. This was always how it went, he knew it. He knew everything in his life was too good to be true. It was only a matter of time before things started slipping through his fingers like sand, and that time had finally come.

     “Then fuck their agreement,” he hissed, turning back to John. “We’ll go public, we’ll go on every news outlet that’ll put us on.”

     “Can’t do that, Buck.”

     Sam’s hand landed on his shoulder, drawing his gaze.

     “We need to be smart here. They got nothing stopping them from cleaning house.”

     The implications for anyone they had in the experiment currently... Bucky knew what they’d do, what they never had any issue doing without heat on them. But all he could think about what some... kid, not dissimilar to him or Steve or John for that matter. Scared and lonely, going through the same hell he had to relive every day of his life.

     “You don’t get it!” he shouted, hearing how ragged his breathing had become as his pained eyes met Sam’s.

     “I do. I’ve been down this road before, remember?” The agony he went through trying to find answers about his friends, how many years it took, the guilt he carried for taking so long. “It won’t be like last time, I’ve got help, people we can trust.”

     “The kid’s good, Bucky,” John piped up, “He’s slick and fast enough to get that much.”

     Bucky’s eyes glanced back at the folder, the contents inside staring back at him. But nothing would ever be fast enough. Not if they had some other kid at their mercy. And not when he had this hanging over his head now. It would consume him, take over his thoughts until he had none left to spare the rest of his waking hours. It would follow him into sleep, melding together with the already haunting images that filled his dreams until that was all he was again. A husk of the soldier, sleepwalking through his freedom like he hadn’t regained it at all.

     “This isn’t your mess,” Sam started, watching his friend’s eyes glaze over. “They catch you sniffing around and it’s over, so you need to stay your ass right here and wait it out. I know that’s gonna be tough, but... We’ll get them.” His hand came to squeeze at Bucky’s shoulder again, drawing his gaze.

     He stared into Sam’s eyes, jaw beginning to ache from how hard he was clenching it. It hurt to relax it, to surrender to the way he’d come to trust the gaze in front of him completely. A strained sigh left him, chair buckling under his weight when he sank back onto it.

     “Why the fuck is this all happening?” he breathed out helplessly.

     “It’s gonna be okay, Buck.”

     It felt like that’s all he’d been hearing for years, but it never quite came true.

     He knew that Sam was right, that he needed to stay away from this and not force some burden upon himself to save the day when he was barely managing to keep it together each day. So what was left for him? Sit back and wait, helpless as he’s ever been? And then what? He had foolishly thought this was all over once he was out, so how could he ever be sure it was?

     “I didn’t come here and tell you this to make your head fly off again,” Sam sighed, “I just knew if I didn’t tell you, you’d hit me with that disappointed dad look.” On cue, Bucky looked up at him. “That one right there.”

     Bucky blew out, half exasperated, half attempting to laugh at his friend. “No, I know, I just... There goes the other shoe, I guess.”

     “What’s that supposed to mean?”

     “Nothing.”

     Sam studied him a moment, watching his eyes dance around aimlessly to avoid having to look at anyone. “Mhm... Well, you’ve got us for the rest of the weekend. C’mon, show us around town.”

     “There’s not much to show,” Bucky said, still weighed down by the pit in his stomach.

     “They got a bar?” John asked, finally earning the privilege of scratching Alpine’s neck.

     “Yeah.”

     “We’ll grab a drink,” Sam nodded, nudging at Bucky to encourage him. “Ask the missus if she wants to tag along.”

     “No, she’s... That’s not her scene, and she wasn’t feeling great.”

     “A likely story.” Taking a step toward the door, Sam shrugged, “I could always go ask her myself.”

     Bucky shot up. “No. Christ. I’ll- I’ll call her and ask, alright?”

     He ignored the triumphant pump of Sam’s fist to move for the telephone. Once it began ringing, he tugged at the cord, stretching it the few feet to his bedroom and under the door so he could shut it.

     “Hello?”

     Her voice stunned him a moment, like it had been years since he’d last heard it instead of the mere minutes it had really been. “Hey, sweetheart.”

     “Why are you calling me?” she cooed, “I thought you’d be busy with your friends.”

     “I am. They wanna... go grab drinks. Sam wanted me to invite you.”

     “Does that mean you don’t want me to come?” There was nothing accusatory in her tone, it was purely playful.

     “Not at all, I just know you were... With your... cramps and all.”

     She laughed at his stammering. “I am feeling pretty lousy, I can’t lie.”

     “Then don’t worry about it,” he pressed, “We’ll probably be there a while, so if you’re feeling up to it... It’s right by the shop, just a little further down that road on the right.”

     “I’ll see how I’m feeling.”

     “Of course.” The line grew quiet as he sat there, heaviness in his bones. He swallowed as an urge came over him. “Can you do me a favor?”

     “Sure.”

     His face curled into the handset, a pathetic attempt to find her warmth in it. “Come to the window? Your bedroom one. I... It’d do me some good seeing your face right now.”

     “Is everything alright?”

     “Yeah,” he lied. “Just wanna see you.”

     There was some static before she sighed his name and went silent for a moment. “I don’t think the cord is gonna reach that far. I- I’m setting the phone down, but I’m going, okay?”

     “Okay.”

     He could hear it when she set it down somewhere, only a few seconds passing before her blinds started to roll up. She was in different pajamas as if she had showered, one of her shirts that he had admitted to liking clinging to her like a soft, cotton second skin. He wished he had called her cell so he could tell her how beautiful she looked and get to see her go bashful. Instead, he was left to press his forehead to the windowpane and watch as she undoubtedly let out a giggle at him. Her head cocked sweetly, smile just as saccharine before she motioned back out into the hall. He held his finger up to signal for one more minute, earning another laugh from her that he couldn’t hear. It felt too final to let her go just yet.

     Sighing, he nodded for her to go grab the phone again.

     “Better?”

     “Yes,” he smiled, “Thank you, sweetheart. For everything.”

     “Stop it,” she whined, “You’re making me sad.”

     “I don’t want you to be sad.”

     “I don’t want you to be sad, either.”

     He chuckled to himself, pressing the phone tighter to his ear. “I know you don’t. Don’t push yourself, alright? If you feel up to it, the offer’s there.”

     “Alright. Have fun either way, will you? I know you must be excited to see Sam.”

     “I’ll try,” he said. “Night, sweetheart.”

     “Night, Bucky.”

     He waited to hear her line click off, before his arm fell to his side limply. The empty line tone had begun to sound, droning on as he stood there, still staring across to her window as it glowed yellow. He could see her bed, the sheets still rustled from when they’d crawled out of them. A sigh left him as he head for his bedroom door.

     “And?” Sam chirped.

     “I don’t think she’s gonna make it, she’s not feeling great and she’s already showered for the night...”

     “Yeah, yeah, you just want her all to yourself.”

     He only shook his head.

     The bar was decently busy for a Saturday in the middle of winter, a few people littered around each part. Some at tables, others chatting around the pool table, a couple at the bar itself, watching reruns of old sitcoms and complaining about the workweek. It was a small relief when John beelined for the pool table, jumping in with the other guys playing easily enough. Sam sat them at the bar, right at the end away from the others.

     They were quiet the first few minutes they got there, ordering their beers and waiting for them to arrive before they fell into small talk. Bucky asked about Sarah and the boys, how everything was going in D.C., what the drive up was like with John in the car. Sam answered and fell into questions of his own. Just little ones at first. How Becca and the baby were, how things were going at the shop, why Bucky never picks up the damn phone anymore. Bucky was barely entertaining it all as is, felt himself tense when the last question led to Sam fixing him with a knowing look.

     “So,” he smirked.

     “So what?” Bucky huffed.

     “C’mon, man, don’t gimme that shit. When did you two shack up?”

     Shaking his head, Bucky took another sip of his beer and swished it around in his mouth to keep from answering right away. “Monday,” he finally stated, licking the drop off his lips after.

     Sam’s eyebrows raised. “This past Monday?” He got a nod in response, prompting him to grab Bucky and shake him playfully. “Buck nasty!”

     Grimacing, Bucky shrugged him off, setting his shoulders at the sound of the door opening and the feel of eyes on them. “Enough. Seriously.”

     “Look at you. In love and still an asshole.”

     “I’m not-” He bit his tongue, jaw clenching as he ducked his head.

     On a good day, he wouldn’t want to talk about any of this, but especially not on one where he had already been in his own head before the added weight of the information Sam had brought. He was angry and tired and growing more and more frustrated at how unbothered his friend seemed to be about it all.

     “You’re not what?” Sam asked, “In love?” When he got no answer, he scoffed. “Yeah, right. I saw that mixtape. That was pure cheese. You two have had some small town When Harry Met Sally shit going on or something.” More silence, prompting him to glance at Bucky. “It’s a movie about-”

     “I know what it is,” Bucky snapped, “We’ve watched it.”

     “So what the hell is the problem?”

     His head shook again, a twitch curling his lip. “Me. As always.”

     “Here we go...”

     “Well, it’s the truth.”

     Sam stared at him, sighing as he rolled his eyes lightly. “I didn’t bring us to a bar to help you throw a pity party for yourself.”

     “It’s no fuckin’ party.”

     They sat in silence again a moment, sipping at their beers in two different manners. Bucky avoiding conversation and Sam playing psychological warfare to make Bucky want to engage in conversation. And it worked just like it always did.

     “I’m having nightmares,” he finally admitted, “Bad ones. About her. While I’m in bed next to her. Just a matter of time before I wake up with my hand around her throat or... some other sick shit.” All he got from Sam was a blank look. “I knew I had no business getting involved with her. I fucking knew it. The second we met, I had this awful feeling that this shit was going to happen.”

     “What was going to happen?” Sam deadpanned, not wanting to feed into his friend’s self-loathing.

     “That I’d start to like her. Or worse, that she’d start to like me. Or even worse, we’d start to like each other. I’m too fucked up for this, I shouldn’t be in a relationship. I can’t even handle my own shit, and she’s-” He caught himself, huffing to try and push the thoughts from his head and the words from his mouth.

     “She’s what?”

     Bucky’s fist tightened around his beer, the glass squealing beneath his palm. “She’s got her own shit, too, she’s complicated and... fragile. I-I don’t know if I can deal with it all on top of myself. Especially now.” Especially with the news Sam had brought with him.

     “And there he goes. Locking himself away again.”

     That made Bucky’s blood turn hot. “What the hell am I supposed to do, huh? Ignore everything wrong with me, everything wrong with her? Just play pretend forever? Shove our trailers together and live a nice, quiet life, clocking in every morning and eating dinner with my family every night?”

     “Why couldn’t you?”

     He shook his head. “We probably couldn’t even have kids.”

     The words were bitter on his tongue as he spit them. They were directed at himself, at the feelings he harbored inside himself that it was a failure on his part if the doubts in his mind were true and he was somehow less of a man because of them.

     Silence flooded between them again, nothing to listen to but the chatter of the bar and the door opening and closing again. Bucky glanced over his shoulder at it before going back to his beer.

     When more than a few minutes had passed and Sam still hadn’t said anything, Bucky found himself scoffing. “Thanks for coming, man, great talk. Hey, great visit.” He raised his beer as if he wanted a toast between them, sarcastic, sneering smile on his lips.

     Sam didn’t look at him. “You don’t wanna know what I have to say.”

     It made Bucky wince if only for a second. Because he knew he was spiraling, voicing all the rancid thoughts swarming his head that no one else was meant to see.

     “But fuck you,” Sam hissed, finally looking at him. “You’ve pissed me off, and I’m gonna say it. All you wanna do is make yourself miserable. You can’t stomach the thought of yourself being happy after all the shit they had you doing. Well, grow the fuck up. You think you’re irredeemable? So disappear. Cut everyone off and go back to the soldier if that’s who you really are. Sounds like they’re recruiting again anyway.”

     It was a cheap shot even for the roughness he was going for. There was no shock when Bucky suddenly had him by the collar of his shirt, a snarl on his lips as he got in Sam’s face.

     “Yeah, there he is,” he goaded, “C’mon, let him out.”

     Bucky’s nostrils flared, teeth peeking out from behind his curled lip. And Sam just watched, calm and collected, as his blue eyes flickered through a million emotions at once, going from blind rage to anguish. Fear to disappointment. Shimmering with tears before he finally let go and sunk back onto his stool, head in hand.

     Sam fixed his shirt, glancing around to make sure no one was about to approach them. His palm went to Bucky’s shoulders, splaying out comfortingly. “That’s not you, Buck,” he spoke gently. “It never was. You just want it to be so you can keep punishing yourself.” When he felt the man beneath his hold begin to shake, he sighed softly. “C’mon.”

     Bucky let himself be hauled up and out into the frigid air, the little strength left in him dissolving and causing him to drop down onto the curb. His elbow found his knee, forehead the heel of his palm. “I don’t wanna hurt her,” he finally said, quiet and shaky through his tears. “I’ll never live with myself if I do.”

     Another sigh left Sam as he sat down beside him. “All that time you spent in the clinic, all those months with me and Sarah, the boys, everybody... You never hurt anyone. It’s not in you.”

     His sobs were shallow, nothing compared to the choked, wrecked ones that had seized his lungs the night before. His eyes were still sore from the exertion and the tears and the lack of sleep, causing them to burn even more when they filled again.

     He wiped at his face petulantly, chuckling weakly, “Fuck.” The clap to his back echoed in the empty street. “Why is everything going so wrong? Why now?”

     “That’s life, kid.”

     And damn it all, if he didn’t feel a thousand pounds lighter just letting himself cry it out, alternating between soft hiccups and choked sobs he couldn’t muster the strength to try and keep in. His tears were almost soothing on his cheeks, catching the chill of the air against the heat of his skin. The sleeve of his jacket was rough as it scratched at his nose, sniffles leaving him between each wipe.

     “This fuckin’ appointment isn’t helping,” he cursed almost playfully.

     Sam huffed a laugh, palm still steady against his friend’s back. “You tell her about it?” A timid shake of Bucky’s head had him groaning into the night. “Oh, my god.”

     “I didn’t want to worry her!” He whined, “She’d be all panicked and everything... I figured I’d wait until after I’ve been. Just... see what they say first. Who knows, they might tell me I fucked myself up too bad, and they can’t go in anymore. Them I’m stuck with this jagged mess.” His hand motioned vaguely at his left shoulder.

     “I think you should tell her anyway,” Sam proclaimed, getting a devious grin on his face. “Tell her and then fall madly, hopelessly in love with her and shove your trailers together and make sweet, sweet love every night for the rest of your complicated lives.”

     “go slower! it might not be completely frozen still!”

     laughing under his breath, bucky let his next step fall harder, a puff of snow billowing up around his boot as it hit the ice beneath it.

     “bucky, seriously! be careful!”

     “it’s rock solid,” he grinned, glancing over his shoulder briefly before he continued forward across the lake.

     his eyes squinted against the cold, zeroing in on the headstones he could make out in the distance. that’s where they were going. to see his parents.

     “bucky, wait for me!”

     he listened, halting his steps as his breath puffed out in thick plumes. he waited, and waited some more, growing impatient with each passing second.

     “sweetheart, hurry up! it’s gonna be dark soon!”

     when no response came, he turned around to find the landscape empty, no sign of her across the white expanse of the lake. he called out for her, looking into the trees to either side of him. nothing. the ice felt unsteady when he took a step toward where she had been behind him, only growing shakier the closer he got until it finally opened up to a crack, water sloshing over the jagged edges of frozen lake.

     he was sinking into the water before he could even think, eyes frantic and burning agains the cold as he searched through the obsidian. further and further he went, watching as the sliver of light from where he had jumped in disappeared with each kick of his legs. his lungs began to burn, crying out for air in the depths. it all seemed hopeless, nothing but an endless black to every side of him, until a small break of light appeared over his head.

     looking up, he could see hands wiping away at the snow that covered the ice. a face appeared in the cloudy window, voice muffled as they called out for him. and it was so familiar, he began to draw closer to it, arms swinging out to propel him to the surface. he was so close, was just about to make out who was on the other side when suddenly the light was gone, a figure floating by and blocking it out entirely. he reached for the body, recognizing her from the feel under his palms alone.

     pulling her into him, the light broke through again, granting him a flash of her face where it was frozen in fear.

     a shout of agony ripped up his throat, silent against the water when it rushed into his lungs. and then he was staring at a textured ceiling, his hand fisted in the thick of a comforter as he tried to catch his breath against the phantom constriction of water.

     his heart was pounding, thudding in his ears almost as if he were still submerged. it felt like he was frozen beneath the ice, head heavy when he tried to turn it to his side. where he found her, fast asleep and safe, face soft with the serenity of slumber. his scream must not have managed to break through his dream, allowing her to remain sleeping while he fought against his own mind.

     bucky couldn’t bring himself to reach out and touch her despite how desperately he wished to. just to feel her, solid and warm, under his palm. know that she was truly safe and everything had been a sick coalescence of his life and the things in it that were closest to him. so he was left to soothe himself on his own, tongue heavy when he tried to swallow. there was still a lingering burn in his throat, residual from how vivid his nightmare had been.

     it was nothing more than hope, a dream, that he had found peace in one corner of his life and it would permeate throughout the rest. even in the security of her bed, a breath away from her embrace, his past could still find him and tear him apart from the inside out.

     she slept with her television on, he came to learn. it was still on, blue glow of the screen flashing around the room until it was overtaken by the blues of morning light faintly beginning to pierce through her curtains.

     when her alarm went off, he didn’t flinch from where he was stuck sinking further and further into his own head. she roused beside him, reaching a hand out to snooze the chatter of the morning radio dj before nuzzling back into her pillow. bucky was still too nervous to touch her.

     almost as if the memory of the night before suddenly sprang into her mind, she opened her eyes, finding him where he was already watching her.

     “morning,” she sighed, wiping at her face shyly.

     “morning.”

     the monotony of his voice caused her pause, a sickly feeling beginning to form in her stomach. “did you sleep okay?”

     bucky gave a hollow nod. “mhm.”

     it was enough to turn the feeling into a pit. the thought of him regretting their intimacy, of him pulling away again now that they had finally gotten so close... it was too much to take so early in the morning.

     her alarm going off again saved her from the worried rambling she felt building on her tongue.

     giving him one final look, she sat up to shut the alarm off completely, a moment passing before she fully stood up.

     over the hiss of her bathroom faucet, she could hear him moving about her bedroom. softly, as if he was hesitating his movements. her mouth was full with the froth of toothpaste when she heard a knock at the door beside her.

     when she opened it, he was standing there, eyes only passing over her fleetingly.

     “i’m gonna go,” he croaked, attempting to clear his throat of the rasp.

     “oh. yeah, yeah, okay. i’ll see you later?”

     just a nod, that’s all he gave her before he started up the short hall toward her kitchen.

     she waited, chest growing tighter with each breath, until she heard the small thud of the front door to slump against her vanity. if there was more time, she would have succumbed to the urge crawling up her spine and spent the morning losing herself in doubt and fighting back tears.

     but there wasn’t any. she had to feed the cats and get dressed and make her way to the school. she had to put on a brave face and ignore the lead weight settling into her gut as fluorescent lights buzzed overhead and reminded her of him standing beneath them with a shy smile and an affectionate gaze. maybe she was overreacting. maybe this was how it always was. morning-after-awkwardness and all that. he had allowed her to be vulnerable in the moments after, and maybe he simply needed the same grace.

     it still stung to get home and not find him waiting on her porch.

     the contrast was strange. only a matter of days, but her house suddenly felt empty and cold without him taking up space on her couch. it felt awkward to eat alone and settle in for a surf through television channels when only a couple months before it had been all she knew.

     she grew antsy, finally huffing as she sat up on her knees and turned around to her window, fingers prying at the blinds to glare across their yards. his lights were on, a subtle flickering under the yellow glow letting her know his own tv was on. biting into the inside of her cheek, she thought carefully about her next move for all of ten seconds before she was up and shoving her feet into whatever shoes were closest.

     bucky was expecting it when a knock came at his door, his back already pried off of his couch so he could sit forward in anticipation of it. his palm was clammy when he reached for the knob, a guilty look on his face when it peeked around the edge of wood.

     “was it too far?” she asked almost immediately, only hesitating when she initially saw the furrow of his brows. “if it was, i’m sorry, i- we can slow back down, or-”

     “no,” he sighed, stepping back to let her into his home. “no, it’s not about last night... i mean, it is, but not that.” when her face just scrunched further in confusion, he took in a breath and ran his fingers through the side of his hair.

     “you look exhausted.”

     that managed to pull a small smile onto his lips. finding her gaze again, he confessed, “i had a nightmare.”

     “last night?”

     “yeah,” he winced, staring down at his floor.

     from his reaction, she assumed she’d made an appearance in it again. and she was sympathetic, really, but her sympathy didn’t exactly soothe the pang of rejection she’d been left with all day.

     “everything else has been so perfect,” he breathed, “i guess i thought that part of my life would be too.”

     “the first time we ever spoke was after you had a nightmare,” she stressed, trying to duck into his line of sight. “i didn’t run then.”

     when he gave in and locked eyes with her, she tried a smile, making his own creep back over his face. “no. you didn’t.”

     but she also didn’t have to see into his head, live through the haunting images that plagued his rest and lingered when he woke. she didn’t have to grow sick with the fear of them coming true.

     “bucky,” she whispered, reaching for his hand where it was balled into a fist.

     he jerked away on instinct, skin pricking when he felt how cold hers was from the chill of the air outside. all he could see was her face, stuck in the wail of terror it had been in before he rose to consciousness that morning.

     “bucky.”

     it came firmer, just solid enough to have him snapping out of the paralysis he was slipping into and sighing before he leaned into her. she caught him as best she could, planting one foot behind her to bear his weight and wrap her arms around him.

     “i’m sorry,” he croaked, burying his face in her neck and snaking his hand around to her back. she was warm there. warm and soft and full of life as she began to soothe her palms over his shoulders.

     “it’s okay.”

     he grimaced at her words, at the way she comforted him when he didn’t deserve as much.

     “here,” she guided, keeping her hold on him as she stepped toward his couch.

     they sunk onto the cushions still clinging to one another, his hand curling further around her to settle onto her lower back, slipping down and under her shirt in search of bare skin. her own came to cradle his nape, fingertips slowly scratching through the short hairs there as he steadied his breathing.

     “do... do you think maybe it was because of what we did?” she kept her voice low, trying not to overwhelm him further. “i know you said it wasn’t about that, but maybe it just... was too much?”

     bucky focused on the feel of her peach fuzz rustling under the pads of his fingers, how smooth and soft her skin was beneath it. “i don’t know.”

     it was the truth. he still didn’t have control over certain corners of his brain, and that was a fact he had to reckon with. there was so much he had yet to experience, whether something from his old life or something brand new to him entirely, and he didn’t know how those things would affect him until they did. so maybe it was the way they had touched each other, the way they pried one another open so heatedly, that had sent his mind into a free fall. but...

     “i liked it.”

     her eyes flitted around his living room, the sound of his voice coming softly enough for her to doubt it at first. it was safe to assume he meant the intimacy they shared and not the nightmare that had him hiding away for the better part of the past twenty-four hours.

     “i liked it, too,” she whispered, settling back slightly to force his face out of the crook of her neck. he fought it. “i also like knowing you still like me.”

     bucky’s ribs constricted around his heart.

     pulling back, he looked at the timidity on her face, the insecurity that he had allowed to bloom across her features.

     “i don’t know if you noticed, but i kinda like you,” she joked weakly, “a lot.”

     “sweetheart,” he breathed, using his hold to pull her closer so his lips could fall onto her forehead. her fingers fisted in his shirt. “i like you. i’ll always like you.” his chin bumped against her glasses when he moved to look at her again, causing them both to laugh breathily while she fixed them. he set his gaze on her with sincerity. “it’s me i’ve got a problem with.”

     her eyes squinted at him, furrow tugging at her brows. “i don’t like you talking about my man like that.”

     to make her point, she recoiled from him, crossing her arms across her chest to really sell the huff of annoyance she let out.

     bucky was baffled for a moment, lips parting as her own twitched with a smirk. he mirrored it.

     “your man, huh?” he echoed.

     she nodded, “yes. who i’m very fond and protective of, thank you very much.”

     he shook his head. “your man has a few hundred screws loose.”

     “and i knew that when i chose him.”

     there was no backhand to the statement, no indication that she had chosen him despite who he was.

     “i want you now. i want you like this.”

     the sentiment hadn’t escaped him in the heat of the moment it was uttered in, but it crashed into him even harder in the current one.

     when he didn’t carry on with their banter, she peeked at him from the corners of her eyes, doing a double take when she saw how his had begun to shimmer. her hands reached for him again. “i’m just teasing you, i’m-”

     her babbling got swept up in his kiss, a squeak hitting off the back of her throat when his hold on her grew desperate, fisting at her skin and clothing until they couldn’t possibly get any closer.

     his eyes were still closed when he pulled back with a pant, hers flying open to stare at him.

     “you’re just...” whatever he was trying to say lost against a stunted groan, leading into another bruising kiss that she floundered to keep up with.

     they both let out hums of satisfaction, relieved to have the heaviness between them evaporated if only for the moment. he must have been smoking, the scent curling into her senses the same way the taste of beer on his tongue did. she pried for it, pushing into him with a heavy sigh that he matched with his surrender. he allowed her to press him back into the cushions so she could climb onto his lap. where his hand moved to settle on her hip, she caught it, fingers digging into his palm before they locked with his own and spread his arm out along the back of the couch. her other traced along his shoulders, going from metal to flesh as she drew in impossibly close.

     bucky felt his nerves slightly heightened, the faintest presence of embarrassment from trying to keep up with her movements. the tilt of her head like practiced footwork against his awkward shuffling, a clash of noses akin to letting his shoe catch on her gown.

     in the split second their lips disconnected to readjust, his tongue began to form an apology. one she didn’t allow him to speak, whether knowingly or unknowingly, when she nudged her forehead against his and forced their eyes onto each other.

     “where do you wanna stay tonight?” she asked, just breathless enough for him to swallow harshly at the sound of her voice.

     almost guiltily, he let his eyes fall shut again to mutter, “i think here. just...”

     “that’s okay.”

     a kiss fell onto his cheek.

     “i don’t mind.”

     another to his nose.

     still humiliated to an extent, he looked up at her sadly.

     she giggled at him almost sympathetically. “it’s okay,” she stressed, pushing his hair back again. “really. we’re not roommates. your name’s not on my mortgage, either.”

     chuckling breathily, he winced, “ouch.”

     “i’ve got enough freeloaders over there,” she chided, both of them looking over to where alpine was sprawled across the other end of the couch, dead asleep with a belly of fur on display.

     they laughed, bucky stealing one last kiss before the weight of her was gone from his lap. their hands were still clasped, allowing him to bring hers up to his lips. she nudged his chin like he was always doing to hers when they were stood at his door. he let the touch encourage a smile across his face, eyes watching her where she trudged back to her home through the slowly melting snow.

     he could still feel her lips against his, sighed when he let his fingertips trace over where they had been on his cheek. it was easy to forget all the turmoil he’d worked himself into when she was right there invading his senses. not so much once she was gone.

     a long night and a short sleep before he was back at the shop, forcing laughter at tom’s rambling and smiles at cranky customers. he’d promised to stay a little later to make up for the snow day they’d taken, waving his boss off when he got challenged on the offer. keeping his hand busy was a welcome distraction to the flurry of thoughts whipping around his head.

     he wasn’t like that before... everything. he’d had a week of clinging to his mother’s leg at the preschool drop-off and that was it. from then on, he was sure of himself and confident in his movements. star of the football team, top of his class, basking in the praise and good things that were granted to him. effortlessly so.

     but now, in the aftermath of his service, he wasn’t sure how to embrace such things. the flirting had been one thing, daunting enough when he thought too hard about it. and then came wordless confessions, sharing a bed, the declaration of belonging to one another after a kind of intimacy that was fresh to them. all of which made his chest ready to burst with joy.

     and that was why it stung so bad to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. to be looking over his shoulder in search of the looming dread that he couldn’t see with his eyes but felt in his bones. it’s just how his life went now. bad with the good, over and over.

     he just hoped he could keep up appearances enough to not scare her off on his own.

     “we’re closed,” he called from under the hood of the old truck he was looking at, rolling his eyes when the footsteps approaching him continued.

     “guess i’m shit out of luck then, huh?”

     at her voice, he peered around to see her leaning against the driver’s door. “what are you doing here?” he grinned.

     her face went sour with a playful scoff. “that’s a hell of a way to talk to a customer.”

     bucky’s brows furrowed, one quirking when she made a face at him like she was urging him along to do something. blinking, he caught up just in time to stop her from huffing in frustration at her failed attempt. “oh, i see,” he laughed, straightening his face when she glared at him. “sorry about that, miss. been a long day. how can i help you?”

     she nodded quickly, approving of his act thus far. “i need to get my... tires rotated.”

     bucky smirked. “your tires, huh?”

     she nodded again, slower as she played into her role.

     the garage was empty on the other side, all the other cars parked outside and ready to get picked up the next day. so he jerked his chin in the direction of the empty side. “alright. pull up over here, i’ll take a look at it.”

     it wasn’t exactly protocol to have the customers drive their own cars up, but she didn’t seem to mind the stray from reality for her little show. bucky’s eyes had caught the clock when she stepped out. quarter after eight. guess he’d lost track of time.

     when she rolled up in front of him, he rounded her car to pop open her door for her, earning a remark about ‘great customer service’ that made him chuckle through his act. really, though, he had been approaching her so he could lean in and catch her ear.

     “just to be clear... i’m not actually supposed to be doing anything, right?”

     “right,” she giggled.

     “okay.”

     pressing her lips together to contain her smile, she shook her head and stepped away from him. to busy herself, she paced along the walls, reading through the various newspaper clippings and awards from the local radio station. what bucky chose to occupy himself with was his own business. although, she couldn’t help but to glance over her shoulder at him, finding him crouched on the floor pretending to twist a wrench in the general direction of her front tire. a laugh bubbled up her throat, but she fought to keep it inside as she turned back.

     “these are some good tires you got,” he tried, still finding the whole setup a little silly.

     choosing to lean against a tool cart, elbows propped up behind her, she looked back to him just as he moved to the other side of her car. “they were a christmas gift.”

     “some gift,” bucky whistled, twisting the wrench through the air again. “whoever got ’em for you must really care about you.”

     “yes, i think he does.”

     meeting her gaze over the hood of her car, he forced his face to stay stoic as he asked, “husband?”

     she grinned before catching herself. “mm... neighbor, actually.”

     “neighbor?” he chirped, raising his brows. “wow. wish i had a neighbor like that.”

     “don’t like yours?”

     he shrugged, standing back up to step toward her. “not too familiar with any of them.” the wrench made a quiet, metallic thud when he set it on the cart behind her, hand lingering so he could stay as close as he was. “i got one i don’t mind, though.”

     her fists tightened briefly, a wave of excitement suddenly rushing through her at just what they were doing, what he was going along with. “what makes that one so special?”

     half of his mouth curled into a smirk as he shrugged again. “she makes me food sometimes. listens when i need to get stuff off my chest.”

     “sounds like she might like you.”

     “it’s crossed my mind.”

     he didn’t miss the way her eyes fell to his lips as he spoke, nor the way they shot back up and allowed him to watch as her pupils shrunk again under the sharp light overhead.

     “you’re all set here,” he nodded, stepping back to regain some show of formality.

     “thanks for squeezing me in after closing.”

     “my pleasure.” and without missing a beat, he said, “it’s a hundred. after hours fee.”

     stepping back over to her car, she made a show of reaching across to her passenger seat for her purse, feeling a sense of déjà vu come over her. “oh, shoot,” she pouted after digging around for a moment, hands pushing aside her wallet several times. “i seem to have forgotten my wallet.”

     bucky couldn’t help the dopey grin that came across his face. “that so?”

     she bit into her cheek as she looked up to him again, tossing her purse back over onto the seat before she stepped up to him. “is there maybe... some other way i could pay you?”

     as she spoke, she batted her lashes at him, bucky’s throat bobbing around his swallow when her fingers came up to toy with the zipper of his coveralls.

     he crumbled for a moment, breathing out, “i gotta wash up first, sweetheart.”

     to make his point, he held up his hand to her, fingers flexed to show off the grime from the day’s work. before it could fall out of her sight, she grabbed it, keeping it in place as she let go of his zipper to reach for her own. it whirred as she opened her coat, his eyes following the movement.

     “don’t,” she whispered.

     bucky’s tongue felt heavy when he looked back to her. “don’t?”

     shaking her head, she forced herself to hold his gaze, watching as he did the same once she began drawing his hand in to press it against her breast.

     she had nothing on but a simple long sleeve shirt, paper thin and doing barely anything to keep him from feeling her through it. his brain was going a mile a minute, thinking of her coming home from work and getting comfortable for the evening. alone on her couch, waiting for him. until she grew too impatient and concocted the plan he found himself caught up in.

     with a grunt, he forced his hand to her waist and spun them so she was shielded from the street.

     “what are you up to?” he rasped, lips drawing closer to hers.

     her hands found the tool cart again, shoulders scrunching up to frame her face as she grinned at him. “i felt like we left things... unfinished last night.”

     a sharp laugh left his nose, head hanging between them before he looked back up to her. “you need to work on your euphemisms.”

     “i never claimed to be a poet.”

     “mhm.”

     with a roll of her eyes, she reached forward to curl her fingers into the belt loops of his coveralls, tugging on them gently. “can i tell you something?”

     bucky nodded, prompting her to tug on him again until he craned his neck down so she could whisper.

     “i should have said i left you unfinished.” when he leaned back just enough to look her straight in the eyes, she continued, “not me.”

     she could almost see the gears in his head spinning before a heaviness fell over his gaze, turning it sharp and piercing. his fingers on her waist curled tighter into her flesh, making her own go slack just as he pushed his palm across her back to her opposite hip. there he took hold of her jeans, using the leverage to spin her and send her grasping for purchase on the smooth metal of his tool cart.

     breath coming faster, she sighed at the press of his cheek to hers, his chest encasing her back.

     there was a moment where bucky felt this tug, this urge to give himself over to the baser instincts crawling up his spine. he became lost in it, muscles moving on their own, guiding his hand to the button of her jeans. they curled him further around her, a sting so cold it nearly burned stopping him in his tracks.

     he managed to bite back his wince, masking it under a harsh exhale that she listed into him in response to.

     his shoulder, the mangled one that he had trained himself not to rely on any longer, searing with pain from how he had attempted to wrap an arm around her that hadn’t existed for years. it was but another reminder of the way things had changed. the ways he had changed.

     “are you okay?”

     she spoke softly, resting her hand over his equally so, fingertips tracing along his knuckles as she waited for an answer. he couldn’t give her one.

     “we don’t have to,” she said, “this was...” a quiet laugh. “kind of a crazy idea.”

     it was too much to admit what had stopped him, even if he knew she would offer him nothing but an understanding smile. instead, he found himself falling back from her, watching as she turned to face him again with a look of worry.

     before she could ask him again if he was okay, he put on his best innocent smile. “i should take you on a date first,” he settled on. “this isn’t right.”

     one of her brows quirked at him.

     “not- i didn’t mean it’s not right what we’re doing or... done. just that... i don’t know. i like taking a girl out first.” his eyes fell away a moment. “or i used to, at least.”

     taking his hand in hers, she hesitated at the way he tried to pull it back at first, smile faltering.

     “i’m filthy,” he lied, covering his initial reaction to her touch.

     she swallowed harshly enough to hear it pound against her eardrums. “wanna go to the movies?”

     “now?” he asked, watching her nod. “i-i gotta feed alpine. she’s probably already planning my demise.”

     that same pit from the day before was growing in her stomach, accompanied by a searing along the top of her skin. it was too much. whether he would admit it or not, she knew it was. she’d gotten too familiar with him too quickly and turned him off from her. showing up at his work and trying to get in his pants... what the hell was she thinking?

     bucky felt his teeth ready to crack from how hard his jaw was clenched. “what do people wear to the movies nowadays?”

     her eyes met his again, starting to regain some of the light that had faded from them.

     “um... clothes?” she laughed. “when you said you enlisted in eighty-four, would that be 1884 by chance?”

     he had to laugh with her, fingers entwining with hers to her delight.

     “i wouldn’t care if we went in our pjs,” she beamed, “but then you might fall asleep...”

     “okay, i get it,” he huffed, “i’m old and you’re a comedian.”

     her smile only grew. it was their friday movie night after all. their first as a couple.

     “i’ll meet you back at the park, just let me close up.”

     nodding, she gave his hand a firm squeeze and leaned up to kiss the corner of his mouth.

     bucky watched her go with his smile holding firm, managing to wait until she rounded the side of the shop to curl over on himself and let out the painted grunt he’d been wanting to let out. it happened every now and then, mostly when he had just woken up and was still foggy with sleep, that he would jerk in just the wrong way to have a nerve ending firing off from whatever piece of metal was fused to it haphazardly. the pain was it’s own kind of torment, mental anguish it triggered the worst of it. there was an added sting to it that time. one that had him wishing he could have really wrapped himself around her and held her as she shook under his touch.

     she was still in the same clothes that she had come by the shop in when he knocked on her door. alpine was fed, he was showered, and she was still watching him with that hint of trepidation that anyone else might miss.

     “what are we going to see?” he asked after they were both strapped into her car.

     “this penguin movie that came out a couple months ago. some of the kids at school keep talking about it, so i’m curious.”

     “it’s a kids movie?”

     she hesitated a moment. “yeah... is that okay?”

     “yeah,” he chuckled, “as long as it’s not some slasher, i’m fine with anything.”

     “no slashers. got it.”

     the theater was decently full, to be expected of a friday night, and bucky took the pressure of people in line behind them to pay for their tickets without her arguing against it. but she still couldn’t help herself as they stepped past the ticketing booth.

     “that’s really annoying, you know.”

     his mouth curled into a lazy smirk, shoulder shrugging while he shoved his wallet back in his pocket. “cry about it.”

     she squinted at him but didn’t push the issue further.

     “you can get me some snacks,” he offered, motioning to the concession stand.

     handing over his ticket, she placed hers in one hand and grabbed onto his elbow with the other. “we’re not getting snacks.”

     “that my punishment?” he grinned, allowing her to pull him along. “you run a tight ship.”

     her only response was a mischievous smile that she wiped off her face as they approached the kid checking tickets.

     “last one on the right,” they droned.

     they were the only ones in the theater when they walked in, movie toward the end of its run and every kid in the town having already come to see it. she went along when he asked to sit in the back, the two of them plopping down in the center of the row. under the cover of dimmed lights and an empty auditorium, bucky watched as she began digging through her purse.

     pulling out the first plastic bag, she popped it open and handed it to him, watching as he took it curiously before laughing. while he studied its contents, she pulled something else from her purse and handed it over as well, getting a bark of laughter from him for it.

     “you’re trouble,” he hummed, setting his bag of snacks aside so he could place the beer bottle between his legs and pop the top off.

     “if we get busted, i’ll need you to take the fall for me.”

     he nodded around his first sip, setting the bottle into the cup holder between them. “i can do that. tom’ll let me keep working for him with a record.”

     there was just enough time for him to catch her smile before the lights went out entirely and they turned their gazes to the screen.

     bucky hadn’t been sure what exactly to expect, but he found himself chuckling at the movie before the atmosphere grew tense. more than a few times, he looked over to find her biting into her cheek and steadying her breaths to keep the tears rimming her lashes from spilling over. he knew it would happen when he did, but he couldn’t stop himself from setting his beer aside to wrap his arm around her, triggering the dam to break over her cheeks. she let him wrap his hand around her bicep and rub at it gently as she cried, his whisper to ask if she was okay getting a nod in response.

     it wasn’t until the credits began to roll and the lights came back on that she let out a heavy sigh.

     “i didn’t really mean for you to cry, sweetheart,” he teased, trying to lift her spirits with a callback to her annoyance over him paying for their tickets.

     she didn’t meet his quiet laughter, not entirely. when he drew closer to wipe at her cheeks, arm still wound around her, she leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder.

     “it’s just sad,” she sniffled, voice small and shaky. “we’re failing this planet and everything on it. each other...”

     bucky exhaled against her forehead, lips ghosting her skin where it was heated with emotion. it had stunned him a bit, too, how heavy the messaging was, but she clearly was taking it harder than he was. when another hiccup rocked her form, he cupped his hand under her chin and guided her to look up at him, thumb soothing across her jaw.

     “there’s still time,” he cooed, “there’s always time.”

     staring at him, she felt her lip tremble again before she stuttered out a breath and fought against the arm rest between them to fall into him. “sorry,” she mumbled, “i’ve been feeling... moody lately.”

     bucky only shook his head, running his knuckles over her cheek and letting his hand fall back to her bicep. “i like that you care so much.”

     he held her through it, feeling his chest grow heavier with each passing moment. it had already been a hard day, a hard few days if he was honest, and now the crushing weight of the vulnerability of the woman in his hold was doing exactly that. crushing him.

     it wasn’t a question whether or not he was staying over at her house for the night. he’d have to be a monster to leave her standing there in her kitchen with heavy eyes and wet lashes. he pressed a long kiss to her forehead and watched her shuffle into her bathroom before he went to grab alpine. the shower was running when he came back, his shoulders stiff as he locked up for the night and padded into her bedroom.

     only a small lamp on her desk lit the room before he turned her tv on, his clothes peeling off him like lead weights that he left in a heap on his side of the bed. his side of the bed. that was a new thought. it was the same side as he slept on at home, naturally gravitating toward the spot closest to the door. and judging by which side she kept her nightstand on, he assumed he wasn’t displacing her. they just seemed to fit in those ways, the ways that would otherwise go unnoticed in one’s everyday life. but once there was another taking up space, they became so glaringly obvious it was almost hard to remember a time they were unconscious.

     she was silent when she stepped into the room, wrapped in a towel as she dug through dresser drawers. his thumb scratched over the back panel of her tv remote, eyes tracing over her form when she draped the towel on a hook hanging from the back of her door. they stayed on her, following the drag of cotton up her legs and the snap of elastic around her hips. her hand as it reached to shut off the lamp. the bed creaked slightly when she finally crawled in beside him, settling onto her back so her own eyes could find the tv screen.

     bucky moved slowly to place the remote on her stomach, her hands taking it as his snaked under her neck and onto her bicep once more. the sweatshirt she had put on was thinner than her coat, easier to feel through where he rubbed at her gently. there were a million and one thoughts in her head, he could see them pulling her brows tighter and forcing her lips into a pout. he knew the feeling. too well. how would hers differ from his? how would they compare?

     movement at the end of the bed caught his eye, her cat slowly creeping closer to them.

     “he wants to lay on my chest,” she said, moving her hands higher so she could pat her chest in encouragement.

     “should i move?” bucky asked.

     “no, it’ll freak him out.”

     so he stayed put, watching as the cat walked up cautiously and stared at him a moment. another pat to her chest finally calmed his tiny nerves enough for him to step up and come to lay mere inches from her face.

     a gentle rumble started, growing into a purr the likes of which he hadn’t heard since alpine was nothing more than a handful of white fur. it made a smile break out across his face as he watched her rake her fingers across her cat’s face, scratching at his nose and cheeks and lulling him into a state of comfort that had him stretching his legs out and onto her neck. her fingers moved to stroke up and down his legs, purring coming to a head before he suddenly got up and moved to her desk chair.

     “that’s what he does most nights,” she sighed, “gets his pets and then goes off somewhere else.”

     bucky was still smiling, his thumb still rubbing across worn stitches adorning her skin. “that was sweet. you’ve got a real special connection.”

     “until he leaves me for the desk chair.”

     he laughed breathily, rolling onto his side to lean in and kiss her forehead.

     “i call him chairman meow.”

     it caught him so suddenly he didn’t have enough time to pull away before he snorted, breath puffing out across her skin. he pulled her closer, relieved when she curled into him.

     before she even moved, she knew it would be a mistake to look at him, the fear confirmed when she did. moody had been an understatement in regards to how she felt the past few days. unbalanced and overly sensitive, constantly on edge with a feeling of needing to do something or be somewhere but no real direction. so when her hand came up to push his hair back and cup his cheek, she got swept away in the sight of him.

     each line etched into his face, the way the hairs of his beard crossed over one another, snapping back after her thumb traced through them. she took in every detail individually and then altogether, wondering what his face would have looked like in the window between the adolescence she saw in photographs and the man before her. it made her chest grow tighter, the reality that there was no record of him for so long. no glossy pictures to cut into scrapbook shapes, candid ones that captured the infancy of his adulthood as those around him would have seen it. and if there did exist any documentation of him during such a time, she hoped to never have to see it.

     bucky watched as her eyes began to shimmer again, her lashes fluttering shut before she drew closer. he accepted her kiss, held onto her securely enough to let her know he knew. he had come to learn, specifically throughout the day, that she used intimacy to connect back to him when she felt something growing between them that felt hollow.

     it was somehow humiliating and relieving to realize that he had caught on to her insecurity. humiliating because she was ashamed of the instinct, would normally get a sense of dread in her stomach when she found herself offering herself over to someone in hopes of keeping them interested. relieving when that dread didn’t come and a burst of want formed in its place instead. as much as her head wanted to find its way to that dark place it always fled to, her body had come to trust the safety it found in his presence.

     her thighs clenched as their breathing grew heavier, panted between smacks of their lips that echoed in the quiet. his hand splaying across her back did her in, a final smack sounding before she pulled away to nudge her nose into his.

     “you’ve taken me on a date now,” she whispered, thumb finding the corner of his mouth to feel it curl into a smirk.

     “i have...”

     so she forced her free hand between them, aiming for his boxers, halted when he ripped his own from around her to grab it. her eyes found his, worry meeting assertion.

     “like before,” he rasped, staring into her gaze as it flickered with thought until she picked up on his instruction.

     she felt her face flood with heat, skin pricking with goosebumps under the brush of sheets where she rolled through them, coming to settle with her back to his chest again. like before.

     bucky forced his palm under her waist, shifting closer so there wasn’t even enough room for air between them. his chin hooked over her shoulder, lips brushing her ear as he breathed, “i wanna make you feel good.” the backs of her knees pressed to his, legs fully flush together. “can i?”

     her mouth fell open as she nodded, breaths puffing past them as his fingers brushed the waistband of her panties. they slipped in effortlessly, moving with just as much ease to part her so his middle could push between her and find where she had guided him to the night before last. he’d paid attention, she found, back arching under his touch and hips pressing into his.

     a grunt sounded from him, muffled against her sweatshirt where his lips had been resting, eyes watching her carefully. the more her brows furrowed, the more she curled forward, forcing him to follow after her until he was almost draped over her, hand trapped between her thighs the tighter they clamped together. sliding his middle finger down, he groaned at the feel of her growing damper, swirling it around to coat his fingertip and drag it back up to her clit.

     “this how you were last night?” he swallowed, chasing after her to pepper kisses to her jaw. “hm?”

     the moan she had been trying to hold in slipped out at the sound of his voice. even just the sound of his breathing made her shiver, the rock of her hips back into his forcing quiet grunts from his lips. she could feel him, firm and straining against her backside through nothing but two layers of thin fabric. it made her mind flash with images of his head thrown back, an ache in her jaw before warmth flooded her throat.

     another moan gasped out of her as her one hand found his forearm and the other fisted in her sheets. the touch was grounding at first, a way for her to anchor herself to him under the mounting pressure, but it grew into a hungry guidance. his fingers slipped lower, knuckles now rubbing at her bud so he could press into her with more force, encouraging the way she was rocking her ass back into him.

     “bucky,” she huffed, shaking when he groaned in reply.

     the heat behind her eyes was almost unbearable, rivaled only by the one growing in her core. it seared and pulsed, spreading just far enough to have her clenching up in anticipation before it shrunk back into a concentrated burn. one pump of his hand hit at just the right angle, the seam of his boxers hooking against his tip and making him jerk behind her.

     “f-fuck, baby...”

     the desperate, wet sound of his voice set off the spark within her, grip on him and her sheets tightening enough to have her knuckles aching with the force. his lips fell to her neck, pulling her skin between them to feel the vibration of her moan and taste the dew of sweat.

     her eyes were squeezed shut, static and bursts of blue and red filling the black space. with another clench of her stomach, seizing up her entire body, she released the tension within her, breath coming slow and heavy as aftershocks broke out beneath her skin.

     “y’okay?” he whispered, letting his lips ghost across the patch of her neck they’d just abused.

     she nodded, couldn’t muster the strength to do much else as she continued to try and steady her labored breaths.

     bucky grinned against her, finally stilling his fingers to grant her some mercy. “i liked that little squeak you made at the end there.”

     if she could, she would have groaned, but the sound came out weak and strained as she turned to bury her face in her pillow, a futile attempt to escape his laughter.

     he began pulling his hand from her panties, trying his best not to wipe his fingers on her, but failing at the very end. her stomach jumped under the brush of liquid silk against it, another forceful sigh leaving her when he settled his palm on her thigh and held onto her through the flood of emotion crashing through her.

     bucky couldn’t see the tears spilling past her lashes, but he knew they had fallen when she released her bed sheets to wipe at them. her pulse was racing under his lips, hammering at her throat relentlessly.

     one bend of her knee to relieve the stiffness in her limbs had her pressing back into him again, the unmistakeable outline of him still as firm and prominent against her. but again, he stopped her when she went to reach for him.

     “relax,” he cooed, “just relax.”

     “well, i’m sorry i couldn’t make it out to you for your big day.”

     chuckling, bucky stepped into the elevator of his building, praying the connection held on the way up. “i’ll have other birthdays. i think the g was down again anyway.”

     “god, that train is demonic.”

     he let out another, heftier laugh as he leaned back against the wall and let his head roll back. “go do what you gotta do, sweetheart. call me if you get a second this weekend. i’d still like to see you.” his last words came out a bit quieter, slightly uncertain. maybe it was because of his age ticking over yet another year, another patch of gray sprouting somewhere on his body.

     “i’ll try,” she cooed.

     “alright. bye, sweet girl.”

     there was a slump to his shoulders, a weight of disappointment and dejection. the numbers overhead climbed, stopping on his floor with a ding just as he dug his keys out of his pocket. and stepping into his place felt lonelier than usual. enough for him to grab a beer before he did anything else, a drop of it lingering on his lip when he made for his bedroom, tugging his belt free and kicking off his boots on his way. it idled for a moment, stuck just as he was at the sight that greeted him when he turned the lights on.

     “happy birthday, old man.”

     his lips parted, droplet finally able to drip off and into the front of his shirt as he stared at her. propped up against his pillows in nothing but a delicate set of red lace only missing the panties. in their place, a lone cupcake sat at the very apex of her thighs, covering her enough to have him whistling low as he took his first step closer, beer forgotten on his dresser.

     she beamed at him, holding back her laughter when he dropped onto his hands and crawled his way up her legs. “not so fast,” she tutted, carefully flicking the lighter in her hand to life to light the candle stuck into chocolate frosting. “make a wish.”

     bucky kept his eyes on her as he lowered himself down to cause the flame to dance under his breath. not until the first bead of wax began to roll down the stick did he close his eyes. what more could he really ask for, though?

     her skin pebbled with goosebumps when he blew just hard enough to get smoke rising up between them, his one hand reaching for the cupcake as his other crept further up the bed. eyes tracking him, she whined when he leaned over to set the dessert on his nightstand. “you have to eat it.”

     “i will,” he assured, “after we have our fun.”

     pursing her lips, she pushed at his chest, watching as his face immediately broke out into a grin.

     “you wanna be in charge, sweetheart?” he laughed, giving into her touch and falling onto his back so she could settle into his lap. “alright, i’ll bite. have your way with me.”

     she swallowed, thinking over her next move carefully before deciding to reach for the hem of his shirt. true to his word, he let her guide it up his torso without any struggle, lifted his arms when he needed to. he still tasted like beer when she slotted their lips together, tongue having to pry between his as he committed to their new roles. but she didn’t miss the way his hands twitched at his sides, instinctively wanting to move to her, grab at her, manipulate her into a position more vulnerable than her current one. just to taunt him further, she reached for them, pinning them into his mattress as she pulled away.

     his nostrils flared, a tight smile barely tugging at his lips. so dramatic, she was tempted to coo.

     her hold kept firm, fingers curling around his wrists as she began peppering her way down his chest. she took her time kissing along the chain of his dog tag, listening to the way his breathing started to come deeper. the hair dusting his skin tickled under her lips, sensation tingling once she finally reached his jeans. and it was almost disappointing that her lip tint held up so well because she would have loved to take in the sight of him covered in prints of red. from under her lashes, she looked up the length of him to find his gaze already locked on her, heated and focused, tracking her every move.

     she could see it, the slight curiosity as to whether or not she was going to give up and release his hands from her own. but she was determined, at least for the time being. so she let her eyes shut in concentration, teeth working their way around the thick cut of denim that encompassed the button she was targeting. pulling it as much as she could, she pushed her bottom lip out into the metal, forcing it through the opening. a rush of pride swelled in her, sending jitters through her veins as she moved for his zipper next, easily tugging it down with her teeth.

     “proud of yourself?” bucky smirked, undoubtedly doing a horrible job of concealing his own pride at the maneuver she’d pulled off.

     “i am, yeah.”

     he hummed, nodding his head slowly. “gonna take ’em all the way down like that?”

     and maybe she hadn’t exactly thought that far ahead. so she let go of his wrists, hardly shocked when he snapped them to quickly take hold of hers and pull her up toward him.

     “i’ll let you stay on top,” he breathed, ghosting his lips over hers. “if you spin around for me.”

     the ultimatum made her stomach pool with heat, harsh shiver shaking up her spine as she nodded. when bucky released her, she moved to do as he said, turning completely so her knees bracketed his shoulders and she was staring down the bulge of him through the opening in his jeans.

     “go ahead, baby,” he encouraged, “you’re in charge.”

     she could hear the arrogance oozing off his words, how he knew she was already tempted to flop onto her back and submit like a captured animal. it only goaded her, had her rolling her eyes before she began pushing down his jeans and boxers in one go.

     he was almost fully hard, laying against his hip and waiting for her to take him into her hold. she felt him jump in her palm, growing stiffer with each stroke of it over his sensitive skin.

     bucky squeezed at her hip, letting his knuckles graze over her as he moved his arm under her and back over again, forearm flush to her thigh and thumb reaching out to spread her apart. he watched with a grin, a rush of heat shooting down to his core when she fluttered around nothing at his touch. already, she was glistening, silken against the pad of his fingers.

     her lips puckered, kissing at his tip where it peeked out from his skin. tugging her hand down, she parted her mouth around him, taking him further and further until he was pressed to her throat.

     she fluttered again, hips canting forward with nowhere to go in his hold.

     “that’s it,” he cooed, “keep going.”

     breathing in, she let him breach her throat, thighs clenching at the groan it made him let out. her hand worked under her lips, catching her drool before it cold drip down onto his balls. a squeeze to her ass sent her forward, throat constricting around him and turning his grunt into a curse.

     bucky watched as his fingers slid right into her, sucked in by her walls until she moaned around him. the vibration had him pulling his bottom lip between his teeth and letting it go with a snap.

     “fuck, sweetheart.”

     the rasp to his voice was enough to have her pushing back into his fingers, the thrust of them sending her forward and falling into a steady rhythm. with a curl of his knuckles, he dug into her sweet spot, familiar with it after all the months spent worshipping it from every angle he could hit.

     she grew slicker under his touch, coating his fingers all the way to his palm. they worked blindly, massaging along her with each push and pull as his head fell back onto his pillow and his jaw went slack around a moan.

     “good girl,” he rasped, feeling her clench around him under the praise.

     for a moment, he let the sounds of them echo around the room uninterrupted, slick and breathy, growing more desperate with each pass of lips and fingers. but he couldn’t take much more, wrapping his arms around her thighs and tugging until she was almost seated on his face.

     “wait!” she gasped, string of spit still connecting her lips to his cock before he forced her closer and it snapped in half.

     further protest died on her tongue as his flattened against her clit, circling and forming a point to flick back and forth. his hold tightened, overpowering her resistance to bring her flush to his face. another shiver took her, eyes fluttering under the pressure he always managed to build within her so quickly.

     at the feel of her curling her fingers back around his cock, he let his palm strike off of her hip before holding it out along with his other. she moaned under the sting but placed her wrists in his hold so he could pin them to the bed, sending her collapsing onto him.

     he left her no choice but to watch as his tip fell against his stomach, shining with spit and leaking enough to drip onto his happy trail. another moan ripped up her throat, frustrated and raw, spurring her into rocking her hips down into his face. it seemed to please him, satisfied hum tickling against her and his cock bouncing slightly.

     with a squeeze of warning, he released her one wrist to bring his hand up and sink his fingers back into her, pumping them forcefully before she could even catch her breath.

     “c’mon, baby,” he goaded, trailing his lips over the back of her thigh. when his thumb fell upon her clit, she tensed, hips jumping to try and escape him.

     “n-not on your face!”

     bucky pouted against her, easing his movements into simple massages again. “but it’s my birthday.”

     “you’re sick,” she huffed, sounding more like a laugh through her smile.

     he couldn’t exactly argue with that. especially not when she let out a cracked whine, one stroke of his fingers causing her to drip down onto his chin.

     “daddy...”

     keeping hold of her, he sat up, causing her to yelp in surprise. with one final kiss to her ass, chased away by the nip of his teeth, he tugged on her arm until she was upright enough for him to roll them over and pin her under him. her lips were slow to catch up to his, parting once they finally did for him to slip his tongue against hers.

     “mm, happy birthday is right,” he grinned, nudging her thighs up so his could plant firm between them. “get to stare at my pretty girl when i fuck her full of-”

     her hand clamped over his mouth, both of them laughing before he bit into her skin and chased her away.

     “what, you only like when i talk like that inside you?” to tease her with the promise, he reached down to drag his head through her slit. “i’ve said much, much worse.”

     she saw as her eyes grew clouded, knees shaking against his hips before she pulled them up even higher in hopes of drawing him in.

     “beg me,” he whispered, letting himself press to her entrance as his nose nudged hers.

     “please... please let me have it.”

     bucky smirked, pushing in just enough to have her sighing in relief and whining in protest when he pulled back. “you can do better than that.”

     his beard scratched over her skin, nearly burning from how alight she was with sensitivity. it made her arch into him, sheets bunching around her as she pressed their cheeks together and brought her lips to his ear. “please, daddy. please fill me up and make me leak around your big cock.”

     “very good,” he chuckled, kissing his way back to her lips so he could taste the moan she let out when he finally pushed in.

     and it was every bit as saccharine as the countless other times, the two of them slotting together almost too perfectly.

     he laughed breathily, kissing at her cheek while he started a rhythm. “that was a good effort you put in, princess.”

     she gripped at his shoulders, fingers crawling across his back to grab at the chain of his tags so she could wrap it around her fist and keep it from getting caught between them.

     “but this is where you like to be, right?” he grunted, making his point with a firm press of his hips into hers that made her whimper under the pressure of him at her deepest point. “like when i take care of you?”

     “yes,” she moaned, shaking when he pushed harder.

     “i know, baby.”

     his lips fell to her neck as he began fucking down into her, more force than speed, hips pounding against hers and drawing almost pained noises from her.

     her voice almost failed her when she went to gasp out, “more. please.”

     bucky grabbed onto her hip with his metal hand, other snaking up under her to grip onto her shoulder and keep her in place. the first clap of their skin had her crying out, every one after pulling these stunted little whines from her that he had become nothing short of addicted to.

     “you’ve been such a good girl today,” he purred, “going out of your way to make daddy’s birthday special... fuck, baby, you feel so good.”

     her eyes were rolling, thighs clamping as much as they could around him. it was fairly new to them, the discovery that a slight pinch of pain had her nearly melting under his touch. whether it be bruised skin or the full weight of him behind each thrust, she was reduced to trembles, gushing under him audibly.

     “listen to you,” he marveled, keeping his pace just to hear how she squelched around him.

     “daddy,” she whined, “i wanna- i need... oh, god...”

     “what, sweetheart? tell daddy what you need.”

     “flip me, please! please, i wanna cum...”

     bucky sneered at her, no real malice in his expression as he repositioned his hands, ready to give her exactly what she wanted. “so greedy. what about what i want? hm?”

     “please, daddy,” she tried, feeling the knot inside her tightening. “wanna make a mess for you, be your good little slut.”

     “fuck...”

     pulling out of her, he ignored her strained gasp and grabbed at her, forcing her body into the position she wanted it to be in so badly. her hips raised instinctively, ready for him to slot his pillow beneath them. they jumped forward into it when his hand struck her ass, hard enough to have a sickening crack echoing around the room under her winced moan. another followed it, precise, landing right over the same patch of skin that was already smarting and turning hot. she panted into his mattress, tensing at the feel of his palm soothing along her flesh before it ran down the back of her thigh, over the strap of her garter belt.

     bucky tested the strength of the fabric, tugging on it a few times, farther away from her skin with each one before he let it snap back against her on the last. she jumped again, shaking under the sharp pain that seemed to spread out from its source into every nerve in her body before it settled at her core.

     “i’ll let you cum,” he started, forcing her thighs open enough for his hand to slip between them. “but not on my cock. not like this.”

     “no, no, please! i-i can... i want your cock...”

     he could hear the pout in her voice, could picture the pleading look in her eyes. it was too bad she wanted to face away from him.

     without a word, he pushed his fingers in, keeping her steady with his metal palm against her spine as he practically punched down into her.

     “fuck! daddy, please!”

     her hips were lifting into him, shaking as her thighs closed around his wrist. it was almost drowned under her cries of pleasure, but he could hear as she grew wetter and wetter, walls spasming from the assault of his fingers.

     “that’s it, baby, make a mess for me. make a mess in daddy’s bed.”

     “oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god... f-fuck! yes...”

     her words trailed into a moan, guttural and wheezy the longer i went on. until the force of her climax had her gasping for air, practically ripping at his sheets.

     bucky watched as the pillow grew damp under her, metal hand leaving her back to pry at her thighs so he could see her gushing out wildly, endlessly when he didn’t let up.

     “yeah?” he bit, “wanted to cum, huh? fuckin’ cum then. cum like the good little slut you are.”

     the groan of agony she let out was muffled, face pushing into the bed as he forced her to the brink of what her body could take.

     it was when her feet began to kick that he finally let up, pulling free from her and staring down at her as she heaved and twitched, thighs wet from how hard he’d made her spray.

     her stomach was still cramping, core throbbing, when he reached to take her into his arms. she clung to him reflexively, allowing him to soothe her through the aftershocks of pleasure.

     “good girl,” he cooed, lips curling into a smirk against her cheek. “there you go, let daddy take care of you.”

     the press of him to her entrance had her body jerking despite how she moved to pull her legs up so he could push inside.

     bucky kept still, continuing to stroke at her back, down to her hip and back up to her jaw before he cupped her face and pulled her into him. she sighed against him, lips moving languidly as her one leg hitched over his waist. her other pushed under him until he lifted slightly to let it slip through. he loved lying like that with her, feeling her stomach pressed flush to his and the plush of her thighs on either side of him. when her arms wrapped around his shoulders, he made the first move to thrust into her.

     slow at first, just like their kisses, a tender drag of him back and forth along her sensitive walls. each breath turned into a hum, his own vibrating up his throat.

     “that feel good, baby?”

     she nodded, rocking her hips into his as his hand found her ass.

     it squeezed at her flesh, drawing a whimper from her that had him driving into her faster. he used the hold to guide her onto him, heat searing under his skin at how the firm touch to her battered skin made her moan in need.

     “you made such a mess for me,” he beamed, “so fuckin’ wet...” to make his point, he slipped his hand between her ass, fingers trailing down to feel along the slick covering her skin. they parted around his cock where it was pumping in and out of her, damp heat surrounding him. “you take me so well, baby. reach down and feel it.”

     trembling, she moved her hand to squeeze between them, parting her lips to feel for what he was talking about.

     “see?”

     she nodded.

     “yeah,” he cooed, chuckling slightly. “let me taste it.”

     her eye were hooded when she looked at him, watching as her hand came up to his lips and they parted for her to slip her wet fingers inside. he hummed around them, tongue sliding along every inch so he didn’t miss a drop. as soon as she pulled them out, he pushed into her space and shoved his tongue into her mouth.

     “you want daddy’s cum?” he rasped, “gonna let me fill up your sweet little pussy?”

     she nearly choked trying to gasp out, “yes.”

     “yeah, you are. my good little slut. tell me whose pussy this is.”

     “yours, daddy. mm, it’s yours.”

     “that’s right,” he swallowed, staring at her as she lost herself again. “who makes you soak the bed like that?”

     “you, daddy, only you.”

     a growl ripped out of him as he pushed into her and flattened her against his bed. gone were the careful strokes of his cock, cast aside for him to pound down into her and fill the air with claps of their skin. the pull of her brows triggered her lips to part, still painted and perfect through all their kisses.

     “you gonna let me fuck you full? hm?”

     “yes!”

     bucky grunted, a determined set falling over his features as he chased after his release inside her.

     his bed was hitting the wall, her hand pushing up against the headboard to keep her from getting fucked up the mattress straight into it. “yes, daddy, yes...”

     “that’s it, baby, open up for daddy.”

     “please, please, please, please, please!”

     his stomach was taut with mounting pressure, mouth moving on its own as his mind got away from him. “take my cock, take daddy’s cock. let me pump you full of my fuckin’ cum. fuck... want it dripping out of you.”

     she moaned, head thrown back and thighs shaking around him. “yes, daddy, please...”

     it took over him suddenly, stunting his hips under the force of his orgasm as it ripped through him and flooded her at her deepest point. “take it, baby,” he strained, meeting her moan with his own. “so good- so good for daddy... ah, fuck...”

     warmth consumed her from the inside out, his hair falling around them as his forehead pressed to hers. as much as she ached for more, she held her tongue and let him come back down to earth, stunted breaths panting from her lips with each final thrust into her.

     bucky swallowed, groaning through his teeth as the last shocks settled out of him. only once his muscles felt solid again did he pull out from the heat of her, lips trailing down to hers and continuing on. they pecked against her chest, breaths pelting behind them, all the way down to her dripping center. a trail of his cum was already leaking out of her, glistening white when he pressed his thumbs to her to spread her open.

     “fuck, sweetheart...”

     she had only a second to brace before his lips were on her, kissing her sloppily and giving way for his tongue to lash over her clit until she was arching off the bed.

     “bucky!” she keened, hips thrashing against his face.

     he let her flail, never once letting his lips lose their place around her bud. even as she tensed up with ecstasy, the pressure causing his cum to ooze out of her and onto his chin.

     “mmn- yes, daddy, fuck...”

     static took over her vision behind her eyelids, stomach tight with release and the wave of molten heat that flooded it. it seeped into her thighs and chest, rushing all the way down to her toes where they curled against his back.

     her breathing was erratic, pound of her heart thudding against his tongue. she still shook even as he pulled off of her and peppered kisses around her hips.

     “sh, baby, i got you.” the nylon of her stockings caught on his rough skin, palm soothing its way up her legs and further as he crawled up her to bring their lips together. “fuck...”

     when he fell off to the side onto his back, she let him pull her into him, curling against his chest easily. they remained like that until his heart was steady again under her hand and hers was no longer echoing in her ears. her thighs were sticky and her skin felt clammy all over, his sheets and pillow still soaked when she moved her leg to stretch out the stiffness in it.

     “you still have to eat your cupcake, you know.”

     from where he had shut his eyes for a moment, bucky chuckled breathlessly, pulling them up so they were propped against his headboard. he huffed out a sigh before reaching for the dessert. she helped him peel away the wrapper, letting him take a full bite as her eyes shimmered with mischief. he knew why when she nudged his hand up, sending icing up into his nose and across his mustache and cheeks.

     “you fuckin’ brat,” he hissed, fighting her easily to pin her down and threaten her with the cupcake raised over his head.

     “wait, wait!” she laughed, “i surrender!”

     “yeah, that’s what i thought.”

     he retreated, shoving the rest of the cake into his mouth as she sat back up, still giggling. her touch was gentle when she began to wipe at his face, licking the frosting off of her fingers and trying to reverse his sour expression by lapping at his cheek directly. it worked, smile curling at his lips as he watched hers. still vibrant.

     “i wanted to ask you something,” she hummed.

     “oh, here she goes.”

     squinting at him, she rolled her eyes and wrapped her arms around him anyway. “would you be my boyfriend?”

     bucky’s lips pursed, eyes falling from hers momentarily. “would i or will i?”

     “will you be my boyfriend?”

     the way she was so quick, unashamed to be doubling down on her question, had him fighting his grin. “you wanna drag around an old man like me?”

     “i wanna show you off,” she asserted, leaning in to nudge at his jaw.

     bucky laughed. “i think it’s supposed to be the other way around, sweetheart.”

     but her gaze was so firm, so confident, he let it wash over him and distract him from everything beyond his bedroom. his knuckles came up to brush across her cheek, still hot to the touch and dewy. it wouldn’t be much different than what they were already doing. nights at the bar, texts throughout the day, ruined sheets and dinner on weekends. it was a label. a claim. the spoken part of the unspoken agreement they’d fallen into.

     “alright,” he grinned, “i’ll be your little boyfriend.”

     her smile split her face, barely allowing her lips to press to his. “happy birthday. boyfriend.”

     equally as unsure and drowned in lust, the two of them stood in her bathroom just staring at one another, hands hesitating to settle on any one movement. they laughed, breathy and bitten, their eyes falling away from each other just to snap right back.

     “i-i don’t know why i’m nervous,” he sputtered, “you’ve seen just about all there is of me already.”

     she laughed, trying to ease her own nerves as much as she was his. “just about, yeah...” through another awkward glance, she swallowed harshly and fought away a shiver. “i guess i have to return the favor, huh?”

     his face grew serious as he stared at her. “you don’t have to do anything.”

     “i know,” she nodded, taking the hem of her sweater into her grasp.

     she went slowly, sliding the wool up inch by inch, watching bucky’s gaze follow her hands. before she could pull it up and over her chest, she stopped, losing all her progress so she could reach for her glasses and take them off for a second so they wouldn’t get caught. her nerves spiked, embarrassment flooding through her as she moved to continue undressing herself.

     bucky reached out on instinct to take her hand in his, waiting until she looked up to him to push in.

     his kiss was shy yet reassuring, like an offering of solidarity. he was just as scared as she was, as excited and accepting.

     staying close, he pulled back, nudging his nose across her cheek to leave her with a gentle kiss to her jaw.

     her hands took up her sweater again, pulling it off like a bandaid and finding his gaze as quickly as she could. it was steady on her, almost comically focused despite the way his brows ticked and his jaw set. still wringing the wool between her palms, she stuttered through a laugh, “you can look.”

     taking his time, he let his eyes start down the fresh landscape of skin. beneath collarbones and above waistbands. her bra wasn’t anything special, nothing more than white fabric that was purely functional, but it might as well have been silken lingerie as far as he was concerned. the way it clung to her, wrapped around her and held her tightly. what he wouldn’t give to suddenly find himself transformed into a store brand brassiere, the infuriating reality that it would never even know what an honor had been bestowed upon it.

     when she moved to begin unfastening her pants, she watched as he swallowed thickly, eyes tracking the movement all the way until she was kicking the discarded clothing to the side.

     “i think we’re even now,” she whispered.

     his head shook in disbelief at the sight before him and how she could be so casual about it when he felt as if he’d just witnessed the eighth, ninth, and tenth wonders of the world suddenly appear right within arm’s reach of him.

     “are your clothes wet? i can throw them in the dryer so you-”

     “sweetheart,” he rasped, “i-i can’t think about anything right now, okay?”

     “okay...”

     “you’re beautiful, i- i don’t know what...” what to say, what to do. he was completely stunned in every sense of the word, a million thoughts and urges racing through his mind before she took hold of his shirt.

     “shower,” she reminded him. “we’re supposed to be showering.”

     “right... yeah, yeah, sorry, i just- we’ll shower.”

     another laugh bubbled up her throat as he went about pulling his shirt up and over his head, allowing her to take it along with his sweatpants. as curious as she was, she refrained from looking down, knowing in the back of her mind that if she did she would more than likely faint on the spot. so instead, she slipped back out into the hall and threw his things into the dryer to make sure he had something warm to put on when they got out.

     he was just as she left him when she stepped back into the bathroom, maybe a little more flushed.

     “what if we-”

     “how should we-”

     “sorry.”

     “no, you go first,” he sighed.

     keeping her gaze steady, she curled her toes into the mat under her feet. “i was just going to say, um, maybe we could... face away from each other?”

     right. just a shower. no need to get ahead of themselves.

     “alright. yeah.”

     but it was a mistake. somehow being back-to-back, listening as the last shreds of their clothing were slid over skin and sent falling to the floor in hushed thuds, heightened the tension between them. it was the proximity of it, the way one turn of either head could send them into territory that they had only skirted around.

     the overhead fan kicking on startled him slightly, followed by the faucet hissing to life. the pause as they waited for the water to heat up set what was left of his nerves on fire.

     “do you want to go first?”

     his brows cinched. “i thought we were going in together.”

     “no, yeah, i just meant, like, do you want to go under the water first? because we can’t really fit at the same time.”

     “no, no, you go first.”

     “okay.”

     the curtain hooks squealed over the rod, and bucky took in a breath before he stepped in behind her. he could feel the tiny droplets of water bouncing off her skin and landing on his own back, felt the steam from it rising around him. from the corner of his eye, he watched as her hand reached backwards for him, his own slipping into her hold as his breathing deepened.

     “is the temperature alright?” she asked, pulling his hand toward the stream.

     he nodded at first, lips parted around his shallow pants, only finding his voice when she squeezed his palm in hers. “yeah, it’s good.”

     as she brought his hand back to his side and left it there, he felt his fingers reflexively curling into a fist before they shook out again.

     the water splattered at their feet with her movements, an occasional brush of their backs or jab of her elbow forcing his skin to burn with sensitivity. just when he thought maybe he wouldn’t be able to take it anymore, she reached for him again.

     “here,” she guided, “we’ll go to our rights.”

     they managed, their positions switched so he was under the water and instantly submerging his head in the stream. the rush of sound gave him a moment of respite where he could catch his breath. just barely.

     her arms were pressed tightly to herself, more for warmth than anything as she waited for her next turn under the water.

     “what am i using here?”

     stopping herself from turning, she laughed, “what do you mean?”

     “this stuff here,” he huffed, “what, uh, what should i use?”

     “for what, your hair?”

     “yeah.”

     “the... the one that says shampoo.”

     a moment passed before they both began to laugh.

     “well, i don’t know! you’ve got a bunch of stuff here, and i didn’t want to use something i shouldn’t,” he babbled, deciding to just squeeze some of her shampoo out directly on his head. “i just use soap.”

     “soap?!” she squawked, “as in a bar of soap? in your hair?”

     “yes.”

     “no conditioner? no nothing?”

     “just soap, sweetheart.”

     her lips spread into a grin. “my poor baby...”

     bucky laughed as he scrubbed through his scalp. it was an upgrade, there was no denying that. frothy bubbles and a scent that he recognized off her, slipping through his fingers and down his back and front. he rubbed it into his chest as he rinsed his hair out.

     “wash it twice,” she instructed.

     pushing the water back from his face, he leaned out of the stream. “huh?”

     “wash your hair twice. and then use the conditioner.”

     “massage and now a spa day?” he smirked, doing as she said anyway.

     “i’m gonna turn you into a pretty woman.”

     again, he laughed, “what?”

     “nothing,” she beamed, “hurry up, i’m cold.”

     “why didn’t you say something? here...”

     his hand reached for hers, grabbing at the meat of her hip when he couldn’t find it. she quickly offered hers out, biting into her cheek as he pulled her toward him and under the stream.

     bucky rushed through the conditioner and moved out of her way once his hair was free of suds. the easy banter had allowed him to escape the weight of their situation for a moment, but the quiet had settled back over them. he could hear her messing with more bottles, felt the runoff from her falling onto his legs.

     “bucky?”

     “yeah?”

     “will you get my back?”

     with hesitance, he turned his head slightly, glancing over his shoulder to see her dangling a washcloth over hers.

     the floor of the tub squeaked under his foot when he spun, and there was a roughness to the cloth when he took it into his hand. starting high, he pressed it into her left shoulder and rubbed gently.

     “a little harder.”

     “harder,” he mumbled, swallowing down his nerves as he did so.

     her body moved under his pressure, swayed slightly with each push into her skin. the suds from the cloth oozed out under his palm, drawing his gaze to follow them. down the length of her spine and the arch of her back, until he forced his eyes away to leave what was left of her as a blur on the edges of his vision. he circled around, focused entirely on his hand and the path it took, throat bobbing with harsh swallows. when he finished, he held the washcloth over her shoulder again.

     there was a sting in her bottom lip as she gnawed at it, a shiver that felt never-ending under her skin. even when she reached for him, it sent a shock through her that made her hesitate. bucky let her keep hold of his hand as she took the cloth from it. with a turn of her head, she grazed her lips over his knuckles, letting the lingering soap tickle under her nose before she began to shift her feet and hope he would follow.

     under the stream again, bucky faced away from her once she dropped his hand. he was stuck for a moment, unsure of his next move, when the wet press of the cloth suddenly landed on his back.

     she didn’t start off as gentle as he was with her, choosing instead to give him the same pressure as when she’d worked through the knots in his muscles.

     “i’m a werewolf,” he laughed, trying to cut through the doubt of insecurity.

     smiling to herself, she skimmed over his back in search of what he meant. “no you’re not,” she cooed, “not back here, anyway.”

     a patch slightly darker than just peach fuzz sat at the very base of his spine, but he was far from part-wolf. she saw the comment for what it was. a way for him to draw attention before she could, a way to try and distract her from a part of himself that he felt ashamed of for whatever reason.

     pulling the washcloth back, she watched as he stepped forward into the water to let it rinse away the tracks of suds across his back. when he settled, she reached for him, pulling him back just enough that she could wrap her arms around him.

     bucky froze, looking down to where her hands planted themselves over his chest, her own pressing against his back.

     “here... you’re a little werewolf-y.”

     he chuckled lightly, thankful she couldn’t see the bashful look on his face.

     rising off her heels, she leaned into his ear to whisper, “i like it.”

     shutting his eyes, bucky let out a heavy breath through his nose, feeling it shake as her hands began to rub what was left of the suds into his chest. “you’re killing me.”

     her lips curled into a grin before they landed on his back. they kissed at the damp skin, lashes fluttering through the mist bouncing off him as she looked up to find what she could of his expression. his eyes were still shut, lips still slightly parted with measured breaths. she followed a lone droplet as it zig-zagged through his scruff before falling off his jaw just as her hands dipped lower onto his stomach. it tensed for a moment under her touch, his brow ticking, but she continued lower. right up until a grunt sounded from him and his hand wrapped around hers.

     bucky moved to turn, ready to pull her into him, chest-to-chest with nowhere to hide. but she stumbled slightly, using her other arm to secure herself to him and having the nerve to giggle when he couldn’t complete his mission.

     “thought this one through, huh?” he forced out.

     “maybe.”

     nodding his head slowly, he stared down at her hands. one trapped in his grip, the other planted against him for leverage. his feet felt sturdy under him, the textured floor of the tub reassuring. so after another second to collect himself, he gave her arm a swift twist, chuckling at the stunted gasp that sounded from her as he reversed their positions. her other hand slipped off of him, slapping to the wall to keep herself steady as if he didn’t have a firm grasp on her. guiding her palm to her stomach, he slid his over the back of her hand and smirked when her other came to rest over his wrist.

     dipping down, he pressed his lips to her temple, skimming them over her skin to her ear. “finish up, sweetheart,” he breathed, “i don’t wanna waste all your hot water.”

     as he planted a kiss to her cheek, she felt his chest brushing against her back, pulling goosebumps to the surface of her skin. his hand began to slip from her hold, a last parting squeeze before it was gone along with the rest of him and she heard him step out of the shower.

     she stood frozen, listening as he searched around for a towel and presumably brushed his teeth before the bathroom door finally opened and shut.

     finally breathing again, she stepped into the water and buried her face in her hands.

     his clothes were still in the dryer when bucky stepped into her hallway, leading him to awkwardly stand beside it and towel himself off, a laugh stuck in his throat at the thought of what he must have looked like. brushing his teeth for the night had been strategic, an act of confidence that once she emerged from the shower behind him they would fall back into each other’s arms and pick up where they left off. but damn it if he couldn’t go for a smoke while he waited.

     her dryer buzzed loudly, his hand unsteady as he moved to open it. there was an urgency as he dressed himself, the panic of being caught half-naked only a step from her kitchen enough to have him almost falling over as he stepped into his sweats. everything was crisp and warm as it slid over his skin, a sigh leaving his lips before he padded over to her couch and fell back on it. he could still hear the shower over the drone of the fan.

     when it finally cut off, he kept his eyes trained on the rerun of some cop show that he was about to skip over in his channel surfing. when the bathroom door opened, he turned to mush, caving in and glancing toward her hall where she stepped out with a towel wrapped around her. she didn’t look to him, maybe didn’t even know he was sat in her living room, instead disappearing into her bedroom. bucky could hear drawers opening and closing behind the door, began to tap her tv remote against his chin from anticipation. his stomach flipped one too many times, and he turned his gaze back to the screen to keep flicking.

     smoothing down her top, she took in a breath. one that was deep enough to send a wave of calm through her body before it began to buzz again once she opened her bedroom door.

     bucky was melted into her couch, legs spread as they usually were with his hand resting on one thigh and his thumb digging into one of the channel buttons over and over. she knew he had to have noticed her starting toward him, that fact confirmed when she got close enough to see how he was gripping the remote hard enough to turn his knuckles white. his gaze only fell on her when she stepped up right between his legs.

     pushing into her space, he set the remote on the coffee table, his hand finding her waist when he moved back. their eyes locked, hers growing softer and softer until a smile broke out beneath them, causing his own to bloom out over his face. his hold tightened, encouraging her onto his lap as he sat back against the cushions.

     he made sure she was steady before he brought his hand up to her cheek, his knuckles ghosting along her jaw as his eyes followed it. the draw of her skin, warm and plump from their shower, drew him in. his hand cupped around her nape, dropping to splay across her shoulders to secure her in place when he pushed in and nudged his nose against her neck. a hum left him involuntarily when he breathed her in.

     “let me guess,” she giggled, “i smell good.”

     bucky’s breath fanned out across her skin when he laughed. “you smell good,” he confirmed, leaving a kiss to her collar.

     “you do, too.”

     when he pulled back, he grinned, “thank you. i’m trying a new shampoo.”

     laughing, she grabbed his face to bring their lips together. it was slow and gentle, a kindling to the heat they shared in the shower. a spark landed in it as his hand roamed further down her back, squeezing and scratching his fingertips over her until she shook with a shiver.

     he swallowed as he broke their kiss, his touch trailing around from her back to take her bicep into his hold and run his palm down her arm. “i don’t know why,” he started, “but these tight shirts you wear really do it for me.”

     “really?” she teased, voice lilting playfully.

     bucky nodded, leaning his head back more so he could watch as his hand slipped onto her waist again. there was a fizzle of timidity on the surface of his skin, his tongue wetting his lips as some kind of distraction before he let his palm trail up to the plush of her stomach just below her breast. when she didn’t recoil, he chanced poking his thumb higher, over the curve of her above her top. it was a simple thing, maybe a blend of cotton and something synthetic to give it stretch, a neckline that dropped below her collarbones and was decorated with delicate lace. a small bow sat in the center of it. but the way it clung to her like a second skin tapped into something within his brain that had it going fuzzy.

     she distracted herself with the neck of his own shirt, the red fabric and few buttons at the top undone to tease her with a flash of silver chain and coarse hair. her heart was racing despite how she tried to level her breathing, knowing his gaze was locked onto her through her shirt.

     his thumb made a small crescent, pulling a quiet whine from her that, from her reaction to it, she hadn’t meant to let out. her hand had fisted in his shirt, thighs tightening on either side of his. looking back to her face, he watched carefully as he let the pad of his thumb finally press over the soft peak straining through fabric. her eyes fluttered, bottom lip trembling slightly, begging for his to land upon it and keep it steady. he would have been a fool not to grant her such simple relief.

     the hand fisted in his shirt released the wrinkled fabric to grab for his hair, fingers tangling in freshly softened strands. that one small spark had burst into its first flame, smoke billowing as a gasp against his lips which he took in like a drag, chasing after it for more. as his thumb curled, the blunt of his nail scraped over her bud, forcing her hips to shift down against his.

     a laugh would have made its way up her throat had it not been blocked by an airy moan. the loss of his thumb gave her a moment to collect herself, lips wet when she pulled them off of his to breathe, “they do it for you that much?”

     she made her point by rocking forward in his lap again, letting them both feel how much he had grown beneath his sweatpants. he grit his teeth before straining, “i’m a simple guy, i guess.”

     she smiled against him. “it’s cute.”

     “you love calling me cute.”

     their noses brushed, her pushing hers into his with more purpose before leaning back to look at him fully. her fingertips traced along his jaw. “well, you are,” she affirmed.

     he hummed, leaning into her touch and basking in the attention.

     “bucky?” she whispered.

     “yeah?”

     instead of voicing her intentions, she let her hands fall to his chest, slowly spreading out her fingers and searching for the rhythm of his heart. when she found it, she let it thud against her palm, waiting until it matched up to hers.

     “is this okay?” she asked as she began to smooth her hands over his chest.

     bucky placed his hand back on her waist, giving a squeeze. “yeah.”

     she nodded, leaning in as she did. almost immediately, she parted her lips against his and sighed when he did the same. her one hand grabbed its way across to his shoulder, letting her palm memorize the sheer size of his bicep under it as their lips slid together heatedly. the scratch of his beard wasn’t enough to deter her. if anything, it encouraged her, had heat running up her spine. her hold went lower down his arm, cupping over his hand to guide it up and over her breast as he panted between their kisses.

     “okay?”

     “yes,” he groaned, squeezing her flesh and committing the feel of her skin through her shirt to memory. “fuck...”

     her eyes fluttered open for a moment when his kiss left her, going tight again when it instead started down her jaw. wet and hot, desperate where it fell onto her neck. at the first press of his tongue, she found herself grinding down into him, the rigid bulge of him digging into her through layers of cotton.

     bucky sighed into her skin again, closing his mouth in a gentle nip of teeth when her hand began to force his up higher. up to wrap around the neck of her top.

     “pull,” she panted at his ear.

     he cursed through the clench of his jaw, letting his lips ghost over her briefly. her hand fell away from his, leaving the decision up to him. it was too daunting to watch, his head remaining buried in her neck as he tugged the fabric down and under her breast. she mirrored the action on the other side, leaving herself exposed to him if he would just raise his head.

     thinking maybe he was just nervous, she took hold of his hand again, sliding up and under the sleeve of his shirt to rub at his forearm. all firm and rough, the hairs along his skin standing up. it had encouraged him, in a way, his lips closing on her throat before he sucked the flesh in hard enough to elicit a gasp from her. tender to the touch, his tongue soothed over the abused spot.

     “i had a dream exactly like this,” he rasped.

     “really?”

     he kissed the same spot, curling his hand around her breast as his thumb found her peak again, nothing between their skin. “yeah.”

     “when?” she asked, more breath than it was voice.

     bucky huffed a laugh against her, his lips curling into a small grin. “after we had dinner that first time.”

     she couldn’t quite find the humor in his words, too caught up in the rush of warmth pooling through her and centering in her core. it was only intensified when she squeezed her thighs around his hips and felt him against her once more.

     tilting her head down slightly, to bring her mouth right to his ear, she whispered, “i wanted you to take me right there on the table that night.”

     bucky let out a groan, deep and guttural, born of half a lifetime of repression and depravation.

     his knee lifted under her as he bit out, “up.”

     rising up onto her own knees, her mouth fell open around a breathy moan, the sudden feel of his lips dropping onto her chest setting her alight. her hands shot to his shoulders, clinging to his shirt when they couldn’t wrap around his muscles.

     something had slipped bucky’s mind all the times he’d worried about finding himself in such a situation. one thing that he maybe forgot he had after so much training. instinct. the part of his brain that moved him without him having to think. the part that had him mouthing his way across her soft skin and cupping her breast in his hand to guide it between his lips. he felt her curl forward under his touch, breath fanning over his crown as her sigh turned into a moan.

     his tongue flattened to her, laving over her bud until she shook, pricking goosebumps where his palm still cradled her and forcing her into a stiffer peak against him. grunting, he secured his lips around her and listened for her reaction. it came in a pitched whine, her legs trembling around him.

     hold falling away from her breast, he slid it around her waist, onto her back to steady her before running down to skim over her ass and hip, groping wildly as it went. onto the back of her thigh, the frustration of fabric between his palm and her skin, eventually curling around her flesh and pawing up toward her center.

     she was breathing hard above him, eyes shut just barely so she could still see blurry slivers of light and shadow as her head rolled. with his hand so close to where she needed, it was hopeless trying to contain her moan when he reached his thumb out to press into her core.

     “so warm,” he murmured into her skin, breath hot as he left a kiss before moving across her chest to her other breast.

     his voice had her shaking, clenching around nothing while cold air hit the damp patch he’d left on her bud and the heat of his mouth closed over her other. the moan that fell from her lips turned strained when his palm cupped her through her sweats, his fingers rubbing back and forth. it was instinct for her hips to rock down into him.

     “bucky,” she gasped, fingers tightening in his shirt when he moaned around her.

     she couldn’t take it any longer, grabbing for his arm and pulling it away so she could sink back into his lap. it caused him to pop off of her with a loud suck, his lips still parted and swollen when she pressed hers to them.

     they were both starved, no longer moving with caution but taking with need. his hand had found its way back to her almost immediately, hiking her shirt up to finally feel her skin flush to his palm. it pushed her closer, bringing their chests together as she exhaled into him.

     her hand took a risk, slipping between them to fix her shirt and splay across his chest. he was too invested in meeting her kisses to notice her scooting back from his hips. enough for her hand to trace down his stomach and round the press of him straining beneath his sweatpants. a grunt vibrated off his lips, the first time he paused all night.

     she went slow, stoking her hand along the length of him, trying to keep her composure as she tested the waters. when his lips didn’t meet hers again, she opened her eyes to see his still shut under furrowed brows. carefully, she kissed at his cheek, nuzzling their noses together until the wrinkle in his forehead smoothed out some and he let out a shaky sigh.

     her touch was so different, so much gentler and warmer than he’d grown accustomed to. yet he still felt himself growing tense, had to fight away the sterile flashes behind his eyelids.

     “is it okay?” she whispered, letting her hand fall away.

     as soon as his eyes opened, the tension drained out of him. the amber glow of her home and the warm wood tones, her soft gaze watching him for a response. it was far from sterile.

     “yes.”

     with his answer, she pressed her lips to his jaw, smiling when he leaned into it. another kiss landed on his neck, one more to the very top of his collar before bucky realized she was sliding off of his lap.

     their eyes locked when she continued her path down to his chest, her knees hitting the carpet softly. the sight was familiar, less hazy than a dream, more real so he could actually reach out and touch her as she descended down in front of him. his knuckles dragged across her cheek, falling down when her hands began to push at the bottom of his shirt.

     as each inch of skin was revealed, she kissed at it, continuing until his entire stomach was on display for her to blanket with affection. it tensed under her touch, his hand fisting in the couch beside him. straightening her back, she draped herself over him, reaching up to push his hair behind his ear.

     “we don’t have to.”

     bucky sighed, diverting his gaze. “i want to...”

     “but?” she chimed, smiling at him softly from atop his chest.

     “i’ve just... i’ve put on a few since...” since before she even knew him. since before he was allowed to eat full meals and snacks in between. another sigh left him. “i’m not as athletic as i used to be is all.”

     she hummed thoughtfully, nodding as she sat back again, her hand running down his chest and onto his stomach again. looking up at him through her lashes, she leaned in. “i want you now,” she said, kissing where she had left off. “i want you like this.”

     bucky felt his lips trembling, let them fall open around an almost pained noise when she dropped hers onto the bulge of him.

     “can i?” she asked, “please?”

     “fuck... y-yes.”

     as her hands reached for the waistband of his sweats, she noticed the streaks of paler skin brushed across his hips and the sides of his stomach, choosing to trail her lips down them as he helped her guide his pants down. when she pulled away, the sight of him curled against his stomach, not fully pointed upward just from the pure weight of him, had her eyes going wide for a moment as they looked back up to his face.

     he went bashful, moving to hide behind his palm despite how badly he also wanted to watch. the desire got the best of him, her own hand wrapping around what she could of him drawing his gaze out again. her eyes locked with his as she moved closer to him, her lashes fluttering just before her mouth pressed to his tip.

     a groan punched out of him, every muscle in his body clenching under her touch. it was slow, trying to go easy on him as her tongue moved to circle him, moved to slip between the thin skin and the sensitive flesh of his head.

     “sh- fuck...”

     he was already panting, already burning across each inch of his skin, his head slamming into the back of the couch when he watched her eyes shut and brows cinch with determination as she began to take him further into her mouth. whether her pace was for her own sake or his, he hadn’t a clue, too focused on not losing himself completely in the warm suction surrounding him. he could feel his thighs shaking, his voice straining as he lost the fight to hold in his groans.

     when he hit her throat, she gagged slightly, ready to hold him there to adjust when his hips jerked and sent him thrusting forward and causing her to choke.

     “s-sorry!” he hissed, head lifting to look at her again in anticipation of a scowl. but he only found her letting half of what had been in her mouth slide out as she moaned around the rest. his fist flew to his mouth as he moaned and panted, “fuck...”

     what her mouth couldn’t fit, her hand squeezed at, following after her lips as they slid up and down. drool was pooling on her tongue, dripping down him each time she let it leak out a little. on one pass up, she felt a rough palm spreading across her cheek, bucky’s thumb running around the seam of her lips. emboldened, she forced her tongue forward more, letting it massage into the hard vein that ran the length of him.

     her free hand wrapped around his forearm, holding onto him as she made his brows pinch and his toes curl, a deep groan ripping up his throat. his stomach clenched, forcing him forward and his cock to jump within her mouth. she pulled off of him with a gasp, hand still working him. her lips were shimmering, eyes hooded when they looked up to him.

     bucky slid his hand around to her nape, guiding her up so he could lean in and kiss her through their labored breath. she tasted of him, of the carnal act they’d indulged in together. that she continued with the twist of her hand. another swear dripped off his lips, their foreheads pressed together as she rolled her thumb over his head, pad of it pressing into his slit.

     with a nudge of her nose, she guided him back so she could lower herself onto her haunches once more.

     the warmth of her mouth sent a shiver through him, had his hand squeezing around the back of her neck. he could feel the knot in his stomach growing tighter, too caught up in the blinding pleasure of it to voice more than throaty curses that bordered on pleas. suddenly it was too much to ignore, with her hand curling over his forearm and her fingers grazing the sensitive skin of his thigh.

     “wai- fuck!” he yelped, already knowing it was too late before the words left him. his body curled in on itself, voice coming out in gasps and moans. “s-shit, sorry, fuck...”

     her eyes had blown wide at the rush of warmth exploding in her mouth, hand leaving his forearm to cup under her chin and prompting his to to the same. more than a few drops landed in her palm as he shook over her, his cock pulsing and jumping against her tongue.

     bucky grit his teeth as he seized up, the tension of release melting into white hot that flooded through him. “ha... fuck.”

     a final spurt hit the back of her throat just as she attempted to swallow all he’d given her, the sound of a forced breath trembling out of him clinging to the air before he slumped back into the couch, his stomach and thighs still twitching. his arm went just as limp, falling against the cushion beside him and pulling his hand away from hers. popping off of him, she finally swallowed fully, holding his length steady to lick over his head and clean him up as gently as she could. he still groaned and shook, flesh bright red and sensitive.

     he couldn’t look at her, too worried if he did he would never go soft again. it was torture enough having to listen as she licked her hand clean of what had spilled over her lips. her knuckles were soft when she grazed them over his thighs and motioned for him to lift his hips so she could slide his pants back up.

     after fixing his shirt too, she crawled up onto the couch beside him, smiling at the bleary film over his eyes.

     “i-i was maybe a little... backed up,” he panted, heart still pounding in his ears. “fuck.”

     “maybe a lot,” she chided.

     he went shy under her observation. “sorry...”

     “no!” she fretted, “no, no, i... i liked it.”

     brows furrowing as his chest continued to rise and fall heavily, he managed a small smirk. “yeah?”

     she nodded as she wiped the corners of her mouth, fanning the flames of his flush. he reached out without an ounce of hesitation, wrapping his arm around her shoulders to hug her in close and slot their lips together.

     “thank you,” he breathed, grateful to hide his face in their kisses.

     the urge to laugh away his thanks tickled at the back of her throat, but she swallowed it down, wrapping her arms around him instead to hold onto him as he still trembled slightly. it was only then dawning on her just how intimate the moment had been, how sacred it was to take that from him after so long. she hummed against his lips, cradling his nape as she trailed along to kiss at his cheek and jaw.

     bucky sighed contentedly, safe in her arms to let the vulnerability of the moment wash over him. he pushed at her cheek with his, gently guiding her back until she was reclined onto the throw pillows, his hand winding around to her waist, her hip.

     giving it a squeeze, he pleaded, “let me...”

     holding his solid metal shoulder up with one arm, she uncurled the other from him to take his hand from her hip. his eyes fell down to watch as she eased it along to her waistband, letting him slip beneath it and into the cotton of her panties.

     before a single finger could even breach her slit, he felt the damp that had pooled in the garment, gaze finding hers again as he cooed, “oh, sweetheart.”

     there was a feeling of shyness, embarrassment almost, that was only natural. or maybe it wasn’t, but it was for her, causing her face to turn in an attempt to bury in his chest. especially once his middle finger finally dipped between her and began lazily running along her, feeling the silk surrounding it. her breathing grew deeper with each pass, both hands fisted where one laid on her stomach and the other clung to his shirt.

     dipping his head, bucky coaxed her out slightly to catch her gaze and admire the way her eyes had begun to shimmer under hooded lids. he swallowed thickly before breathing, “show me how you like it.”

     with a shiver, she uncurled the fist sitting on her stomach to snake her hand down into her panties and over his. his middle was already perfect, big enough to do the job of two of her own as it spread through her. so she simply guided it up a hair higher, right above the most sensitive point of her bud where she liked to apply pressure when it was just her, curled in her sheets at night.

     “like this?” he asked, testing a small circle and grinning when her answer came before her words and she let out a breathy moan.

     he repeated the motion, taking note when she pushed down against his finger to apply just a bit more pressure.

     “yes,” she whined when he upped his pace a beat, satisfied enough to pull her hand away and curl it in the chest of his shirt.

     it wasn’t lost on him how desperately he wished to hold her through it. through each hitch of her breath and tremble of her hips. one day, he thought to himself. a day not that far.

     when his lips fell upon hers, she released the moan she’d been too tense to let slip, using his mouth to muffle each one that came after as his finger worked waves of pleasure throughout her body. it spurred her legs apart, one of them hitching over his to grant him even more access.

     “there you go,” he purred, lightheaded in his own way, cock still throbbing in his pants. he turned his head to kiss her temple as she clung to him tighter, a quiet moan drawing his gaze to her. he found her eyes rimmed with tears, twinkling in a way he found beautiful even if it worried him at first glance. “is it okay?” she nodded quickly, her gaze heavy. “good?”

     another nod accompanied her groan of pleasure, one pass of his finger in particular sending a shock through her that had her hips canting up reflexively.

     bucky got too ahead of himself, sliding his ring in with his middle as he pushed the latter down toward her entrance. not to dip inside it but just to ask her, “is this okay?”

     her lip trembled slightly as she hesitated, landing on a timid shrug. “m-maybe just...”

     “want me to stay here?” he asked, going back to her clit. when she nodded in relief, he kissed her cheek, waiting for her eyes to flutter back open when he pulled away. they stayed shut, though, brows pinched in pleasure. “look at me, sweetheart. i wanna see your pretty eyes again.”

     she tried, she really did. to let their gazes meet once more and hold his through the throes of her mounting climax. but a part of her stopped her, turned her head into him to hide from the look of worry. or worse, disappointment.

     his finger stilled on her. “is that not- is it too much?”

     “sorry,” she whimpered, “it’s just...” an explanation never came.

     bucky simply shook his head, nudging her with his nose like they had come so accustomed to through the evening. “you don’t have to be sorry,” he hummed, kissing up from her cheek to her forehead when she pulled herself from hiding. “want me to stop?”

     she shook her head in return, sighing as she felt him leave another trail of kisses back down to her ear.

     “is this alright?” he rasped, “if i talk to you?”

     the gravel that had poured over his voice, pitched lower and fed right into her ear, had her arching into him. “yes.”

     bucky hummed, chuckling lightly as he started his pace back up. “you like that?”

     when her fists tightened in his shirt yet again, she nodded frantically under his touch, her thighs trembling around his wrist.

     “then just listen to me,” he cooed, catching his own breath as he thought over his words. “you’re breathtaking.”

     a sudden wash of calm came over her, nothing stunting the pleasure that wanted to consume her, drown her in its depths and slowly let her float back to the surface.

     “bucky,” she whined, starting to feel it pulling her under.

     “that’s it, sweetheart,” he grinned, kissing her cheek. “good girl.”

     all at once, she went under, shaking with the force of her orgasm and the whispered praise on his lips. her moans grew fragile, breaking into harsh pants and whimpers when she was able to make a sound at all.

     bucky continued to swirl his finger around her, stuck on the high that bringing her so much pleasure was giving him. it pushed her over into a sensation that made her thrash, curling into him and grabbing for his arm to keep herself from losing her head. when he managed to pry his hand from the clench of her thighs and the force of her grip, he glanced down to it, watching as his fingers caught the light and glistened with her slick. they were halfway to his mouth when she took hold of them and pressed her lips to his instead.

     reluctantly, he broke from her grasp and slid his hand up her back again, cradling her against him as she shook. her lips were trembling against his, barely moving when he tried to part them with his tongue. pulling back, he pressed their foreheads together and waited for her lashes to flutter open.

     she watched him through bleary eyes, pushing to curl into him further.

     bucky was captivated by the look in her gaze, the way her lashes clung together with the tears that had lined them. the softness buried in her irises, pouring out the longer she stared at him. a slight chuckle huffed from his nose when he had the thought that if he stared back long enough, he might start to see hearts forming. but instead of hearts, he began to see tears forming, thick ones, thicker than those of pleasure.

     “what’s wrong?” he fretted, trying to adjust to see her better but stopped when she pulled him closer. “baby...”

     “i-i’m okay,” she sniffled, “i swear. i just...” her words died, her face falling into his chest.

     bucky held her tighter, lips planting to her temple as he soothed his hand up and down her spine. “sh,” he cooed, “i got you.”

     gripping his shirt, she pulled herself into his neck, nuzzling the skin of it before kissing it and leaving her lips to graze it. her heart was beginning to settle back into a normal rhythm, the tears clouding her vision falling off her lashes when she blinked them away. and all the while, he held her. gently yet securely, like he was scared she’d break if he went any harder or softer.

     “i didn’t do something wrong, did i?”

     his voice was so small and nervous, she had to kiss his neck again before lifting her head. “no,” she breathed, “not at all. i just get a little... overwhelmed. not- not in a bad way, it’s more... vulnerable, i guess.”

     bucky sighed in relief, leaning in to kiss her forehead. “better now?”

     she nodded, lashes fluttering when he planted another kiss to her cheek. “i... like this,” she whispered.

     “getting kissed here?” he asked, laying another on her heated skin.

     “having you hold me,” she clarified.

     “yeah,” bucky beamed, “me, too.”

     so they did just that. hold one another. in the quiet of her home, surrounded by the weight of the evening and every line they’d crossed. but his heartbeat was normal, or at least normal for him, and hers was steady under his palm. and neither of them seemed keen on running. they barely even seemed to want to move. not until he watched her eyes start to struggle to stay open and his own began to feel heavy.

     she whined at having to brush her teeth again, only managing to get through it with him pressed to her back, rubbing encouragingly at her hips and waist.

     they crawled into her bed with contented sighs, the night away enough to have bucky ready to weep with relief. he had just reached out to pull her into him when he felt something press up against his back. craning his neck, he watched a ball of white arch up before settling in.

     “why don’t yours lay with us?”

     she hummed as she finally pressed to his chest. “they did last time. just after we were sleeping.”

     laughing, he secured his arm around her, thumb working its way under her shirt. their breathing began to level out, almost shallow enough for them to be asleep when he heard her whisper his name. “hm?”

     from routine alone, she woke before dawn, burying her face further into her pillow like she always did. it was warm, was her first thought. the second being how much she was dreading the blare of her alarm. when she stretched her legs out, they bumped into another, her toes pointing to feel at the firm shin behind a wall of cotton. the sleep drained out of her, mind catching up with her surroundings and prompting her to finally open her eyes.

     they stung slightly with the ghost of sleep, a hand coming up to rub at them so she could see the figure in front of her clearly.

     a wintery glow of dwindling moonlight was stricken across bucky’s face, two errant strands of hair falling over it. his lips were pouty, parted around the almost silent, airy snores that came with each breath. and from the prop of his head, or lack thereof, a bit of pudge had formed under his chin. it was the kind of sight that had her biting back a squeal, fisting her comforter tightly to keep her hands occupied so she wouldn’t reach out and squeeze at his cheeks.

     taking another moment just to watch him, she sighed wistfully and committed the peaceful look on his face to memory.

     with her senses finally catching up to her, she could feel their cats curled up around them, tucked into the divots left by their sprawled limbs. it was only a matter of time before one of her breaths came too heavily, and they were all woken up and sent into a frenzy for food. and it killed her to carefully slide herself out of the cocoon of warmth and quiet that had become of her bed, face scrunching with concentration so she didn’t disturb the man left in it. making sure all three cats were in the hall with her, she slowly and quietly shut her bedroom door behind them.

     the sun had barely begun to peek over the horizon when she stepped back in again, muted from where it was stuck behind clouds and more snowfall.

     bucky was exactly as she had left him, only sign of life from the deep rise and fall of his chest as she slipped back under the covers with him. one hand tucked under her cheek, she reached out with the other to push at the strands of hair in his face, watching as his brows twitched and he flinched away from the touch.

     smacking his lips together to try and regain some moisture on his tongue, bucky took in a deep breath before he squinted open his eyes.

     “sorry,” she whispered.

     his brain was still foggy, the excitement of realization not yet sinking in. “hm?” he mumbled, “c’mere.” and with his hand already halfway under her pillow, he snaked it lower to pull her into his side.

     she melted into him easily, resting her head on his shoulder and letting her hand begin to stroke across his chest just as his thumb began to do the same at her lower back. right where her sweatshirt had ridden up and her skin was left exposed.

     “you look criminally adorable when you sleep.”

     bucky only hummed in response to her, leaving her to lift her gaze so she could watch him linger in that fuzzy place between sleep and awake. her palm went flat to his chest, applying the slightest bit of pressure so she could feel his heart thudding calmly beneath it. he sighed again, lips pursing with another swallow. the movement made her begin to trail her hand upwards, bringing it to scratch her fingers at his stubble. it curled a lazy grin onto his lips, letting her know he was beginning to tread more onto the awake side of that fuzzy place.

     when her index made its way up to his lips, slightly chapped from snoring, bucky jutted his chin forward to bite at her quickly. she jumped back before letting out a laugh and swatting at him playfully. “jerk,” she pouted.

     “time is it?” he croaked, noting the brightness filling the room from the reflection of light off the snow.

     “almost seven.”

     he groaned at the answer, splaying his hand over her back to tug on her. “sleep.”

     “you can,” she giggled, “i wanna watch you some more.”

     cracking an eye open at her, he smiled almost sheepishly, hiding his shyness under a deep chuckle. and that wave of realization finally swept him away as the last tendrils of sleep unfurled from around him. his hand wrapped around the hem of her sweatshirt, knuckles dragging over her warmed skin as he hesitated with his words.

     “i didn’t... do anything, did i?”

     her head shook, earning an exhale of relief from him. “and i’m a pretty light sleeper, so i would have woken up.”

     “good,” he said quietly.

     “you did mumble something a few times, though.”

     “what did i say?”

     “i don’t know,” she laughed lightly, “it was in another language, i think.” he seemed to grow even more shy, egging on her curiosity. “what ones can you speak?”

     looking at her, bucky thought about what answer he wanted to give her. quietly, he settled on, “too many.”

     the slight frown that pulled at his lips told her to drop the subject, so she did, going back to rubbing at his chest instead.

     he sighed again, stretching out his legs, heels slipping over the end of her mattress. it’d been a while since he was a morning person, the hours spent tossing and turning and fighting his own mind each night making it increasingly more difficult to enjoy the pierce of sunlight through his window. but there, in her bed, with the light coming through so softly, and her weight settled against his side... he found the appeal.

     “i think being around you calms my head a little,” he admitted, “not- you know, not entirely, but... i’ve gotten some good nights of sleep since we met. more than usual, anyway.” the ache in his back was enough proof of just how soundly he had slept, motionless in the sea of cotton sheets and grazes of skin. he chuckled lightly as he rolled onto his side to twist out the stiffness. “that was ridiculous, though, i feel like i was in a coma.”

     she laughed back at him, trying to keep her cool when his broad torso took up her field of view. pushing herself up from his chest, she landed a kiss to his cheek, onto his jaw, his neck, before a final one lingered on his shoulder.

     bucky sighed contentedly. “i don’t wanna get up.”

     “we don’t have to,” she cooed.

     and he wasn’t going to fight her on it. not when her hand had curled around his waist to rub at his back and her legs pushed at his to tangle them together.

     neither of them fell back asleep, they simply held one another, secure in the comfort doing so brought them. bucky had the thought that her home was much quieter than his. maybe it was because her space was padded out enough with belongings to insulate any echo, or that the walls were a hair thicker. or it could have been the blanket of snow sealing them away inside, in their own bubble. but whatever it was, he found himself turning into goo in her arms, just boneless and pliant in the still of the atmosphere. that was until thumping started up and down the hall, running the length of her house from living room to bedroom, something clattering on her desk.

     “i gotta feed her majesty,” he huffed.

     “i already did.”

     pulling back in her hold, he looked at her with a furrow to his brows.

     she laughed at his confusion, squeezing her arm up from in between them to push at the pinch above his nose. “i stole your keys and brought her over to eat and go to the bathroom in case she didn’t wanna use the box here.”

     “what the hell?” he groaned, “how long was i out for, a week?” when she only laughed more, he pushed into her space, cramming his face in between hers and the pillow. “what’s it look like out there?”

     humming, she wriggled both arms around him, holding him in place. “probably a foot. and it was still coming down.”

     “power still out?”

     “mm-mm,” she shook her head, “must have gotten fixed at some point.”

     “it went out once in the spring, i think it’s more rats chewing on the lines than anything.”

     “that’s a nice visual.”

     he blew a laugh into her neck, feeling it fog up around him in the small space. letting his hand splay across her skin again, he crept it up higher, pushing away at her sweatshirt and onto the soft of her waist. she tensed slightly in his hold, trying to elongate her figure and smooth out any creases.

     “relax,” he breathed, closing his lips in on her throat.

     she attempted to do so, gripping onto his sweatshirt as his lips trailed across her skin.

     bucky let himself grow selfish in the moment, trapping her against him so he could inhale right at the angle of her jaw below her ear. “smell good.”

     his voice had her stomach flipping over itself, a shiver forcing its way through her and making him laugh breathily onto her skin.

     “okay?”

     “mhm,” she swallowed.

     he had to be careful, measure his movements so he only got a rise out of her and not himself. a treacherous path already, given he was halfway to full embarrassment when he first woke up. and if she had noticed, she hadn’t said anything.

     the drag of his lips led to an open-mouthed kiss, that surprised them both when it turned into him pulling her skin between his teeth. her breath hitched, coming out shakily right beside his ear. it was enough to push him away, the fog of lust dissipating when he felt himself jump against his thigh.

     “i was okay,” she breathed, voice threaded with dejection.

     bucky had to laugh, settling onto his back again as he stroked over her spine. “i know you were.”

     he wasn’t. not enough to keep his composure, anyway.

     watching as he steadied his breathing, she crawled closer to press a kiss to his chin, right where a patch of gray was nestled in the brown of his beard. “is it alright if i stretch?”

     he hummed, giving her a soft nod as he let his arm fall limp atop her mattress.

     the expectation was that she was going to get up, move to the floor or even out to the living room. but instead, she stayed right where she was, leaving bucky to feel as the bed shifted with her movements, tempted him into letting his eyes fall open. he gave it another few moments, tried his best to let the calm that he’d woken up under find him again. it crept at the edges of him, never fully seeping back in. for a minute, he didn’t feel any other movements, chancing a peek at her.

     only to find her on her knees, chest pressed into the sheets as she rocked her hips back and forth, clearly stretching her back out.

     “jesus, sweetheart,” he groaned, dropping his hand over his face.

     she laughed, partly strained from her position. “you should be doing this, too, old man.”

     jaw ticking, he slid his hand down, letting it rest on his chest for a second before he sat up just enough to grab onto her and pull her against him again. “oh, yeah?”

     “i’m serious!” she giggled, not even trying to fight him. “it would help with your back.”

     bucky ducked in to kiss at her neck, taking one final breath in along her jaw. “i don’t think it’s my flexibility that messes my back up... but alright. be my teacher.”

     sitting up, she pulled him with her, guiding him onto his knees. he was malleable in her hold, still mushy and warm from his slumber.

     “like this?” he asked, glancing at her as he stretched his arm up to her headboard.

     “yeah,” she nodded, pressing on his back to try and force him lower.

     he groaned softly under her touch, the burn of his muscles getting pulled taut relieving just as it was painful. she nudged him playfully, encouraging his hips into a wiggle just as hers had, and bucky could only laugh. it was a breathy sort of a sound, his throat too strained to make more than that as years of stress began to get scraped away.

     with one of his exhales, she chanced a firmer touch, digging the heel of her palm into his spine and sliding it up to his shoulders. another groan had her swallowing down one of her own. so she draped herself over him carefully, dropping her lips to his ear.

     “want that back massage we talked about?”

     “god, yes.”

     his arm curled to tuck under his head, cradling it as his hips fell to the mattress.

     she was too timid to settle onto him fully, hovered over him instead to start her hands slowly, softly, just running them up from the base of his back to the base of his neck. his sweatshirt moved with them, scrunching and stretching with each pass of her palms and gracing her with the sight of his skin. on one pass up, she applied more pressure, kneading out the knots of tension littering his shoulder blades. from years of an imbalanced distribution of weight, from flesh that had been carved and mutilated and left to heal without care.

     bucky realized he’d begun to hold his breath when she squeezed it out of him, wincing at his own guttural pant. “fuck, that’s good...”

     her fingers curled over his shoulders, pinching at the skin right where they met his neck. as they moved back down, she admired the corded muscle beneath them. how firm he was all over before he softened out the closer she got to his waist.

     “don’t have to be so gentle,” he breathed, “i’m not going to break.”

     she snorted at him, rolling her eyes at her own words being used against her. but she listened to him, leaning over to put most of her weight into the next press of her hands and forcing his breath out of him heavily.

     “yeah, just like that.”

     her skin felt ready to sizzle off, growing hotter and hotter with each grunt and groan that left him. she’d heard him say that before, and it had nearly killed her even then. but in that instance, under those circumstances...

     it almost felt deliberate the longer it went on, his noises only growing deeper. trying to conceal the shiver that crept up the length of her, she slid her hands off his sides, planting them on the mattress as she leaned over.

     bucky sighed at the press of her lips to his cheek. “you and this bed should be illegal.”

     “why is that?” she laughed.

     “feel like i’m ready to go back to sleep.”

     her nose nuzzled along his jaw, pushing into his hairline. “so go back to sleep.”

     sighing, he began to roll onto his back slowly, giving her enough time to move off of him. “no, i gotta call tom and see if he’s opening today.”

     she took advantage of his new position, ducking in to kiss from his neck up to his ear. “take the day off and play with me.”

     bucky swallowed, catching his breath before he dared to look at her. “what did you have in mind? monopoly?”

     a grin stretched across her lips. “mhm.”

     when her leg hitched over his, he almost gave up the fight he was barely putting up against her, ready to succumb to the temptation of warm sheets and wandering hands. only the thought of the mounting work load pulled him back to reality, forcing a different kind of groan from him.

     “i gotta call tom.”

     she nodded, neither one of them making any attempt to move from their positions.

     it was a strange sort of feeling. that one morning they could be waking up in separate beds, at different hours, going about their days as they usually would. and then suddenly they were holding one another, sharing space in a way they hadn’t before and moving on instinct. without hesitation. part of it felt like a dream, like the transition was so sudden and effortless it wasn’t real. it wasn’t them. yes, they’d grown closer and closer as the months went on. yes, they’d pushed the boundaries of touch and intimacy. but squeezes of hands and tight hugs were a far cry from heated kisses and sounds of pleasure dripping off each other’s lips.

     “are you hungry?” she asked, still idly rubbing at his chest.

     bucky’s tongue moved before his brain. “for?”

     “food, you creep.”

     he chuckled. “you don’t have to make me anything.”

     “i was gonna make myself an egg sandwich anyway.” as she sat up, she looked to him, finding his gaze already following after her. “and you’re my guest, so...” she shrugged.

     the bed squeaked softly when he pulled himself upright, hand finding her cheek to brush across it. “i’ll come out and help.”

     nodding, she nuzzled into the touch. his hair was messy in the back, more than a few strands sticking out wildly from the rest. she brushed them down with her fingers before leaning in to place a kiss at the corner of his mouth.

     it wasn’t long between when she disappeared from her bedroom and when bucky finally dragged himself to follow. already, the sounds of pans and dishes were filling her home, muffled behind the bathroom door when he locked himself away. and maybe she bought a different kind of lightbulb than him, a newer one that glowed clearer than his that flickered. but there was a color to his cheeks that he couldn’t remember the last time he saw reflected back at him. least of all in the morning.

     he passed her on his way to her telephone, stumbling over the legs of her dining table as he watched her move about her kitchen. at the last second, his reflexes kicked in to catch the vase sat atop the table, the flowers he’d gotten her swaying inside it before he steadied them. he hadn’t noticed them the night before in the dark of the candlelight and beyond her face pressed to his.

     his hand was shaking slightly when he reached for the phone.

     “hello?”

     “edie? tom still there?”

     “who’s this?”

     chuckling, bucky moved to lean against the wall, twisting himself to face the kitchen. “it’s james.”

     “what are you doing up this early?”

     “nevermind that... is he still there?”

     a playful scoff came down the line. “yeah, he’s still here. i told him he shouldn’t be going out in this weather. not good for his arthritis, and he can’t see shit on the road on a good day.”

     “so he’s not opening?” his question got the attention of the girl he was staring at, her ears almost physically perking up as she glanced at him.

     “no, no. maybe tomorrow if this clears up a little.”

     “alright, well, tell him i called.”

     “i will. go back to sleep.”

     he bit his grin. “bye.”

     “bye-bye.”

     once the handset clicked back into its cradle, a pair of eyes found him. “so?” she drawled.

     bucky could only laugh again as he approached her. “i’m all yours.”

     she grinned, leaning in to accept the gentle kiss he pressed to her forehead. his lips were still minty when they finally descended onto hers, soft and slow, gone within a breath. “want to sit at the table or the couch again?” she tried.

     “table. let’s at least pretend to be civil.”

     civility was relative, custom to them. tailored to her swinging her chair around to his side of the table so they could sit together, cramped and stealing touches between each bite of their food. he favored rubbing her thigh and she took kindly to resting her head on his shoulder.

     their morning progressed slowly, eventually leading them back into her bedroom. their cats had already made a pile in the rocker, and they did the same on her bed.

     bucky became aware of something as the day dragged on. he was surprised by how lazy she was, how comfortable she was with being stagnant throughout the day. as the sun finally began to shine clearly overhead, breaching the curtains and blinds, she had hardly moved from where she had settled against him to flick through tv channels. granted, neither had he, but it was mainly so he didn’t disturb her. he caught himself holding in chuckles as she flipped from one side to the other periodically, like a pancake keeping even. he wasn’t quite sure what he expected her days to be like, if that was her usual routine or just a special occasion. on a snow day, sheltered away with her neighbor. except he wasn’t exactly her neighbor anymore. nor was she his.

     taking the remote from her hand, he kept his gaze fixed on the television despite how hers turned to him. once the screen had fizzled to darkness, he reached over to set the remote on her nightstand. she had been resting against his left side, just below the metallic of his shoulder where his flesh was equally firm and soft. but the movement had jostled them, giving him the perfect opening to press her into the mattress when he faced her again.

     she gave in, melting into her pillows as his hand slid up to her face. the pressure to his left shoulder must have caused him discomfort, a slight pinch etching into his brows. it prompted her to guide him further over her with a slip of her thigh against his. bucky allowed his weight to settle onto his elbow, dropping further as it pushed against her sheets, forming a frame around her head.

     “i’m sorry,” he whispered, watching as her gaze that was once set on his lips drew up to his eyes.

     “why?” she fretted, “for what?”

     thumb soothing over her temple, he let out a soft sigh. “for making us wait.” before she could shake her head like he knew she would, he pushed in and captured her lips. “we could have been this happy all this time.”

     she accepted his second kiss, had to fight against her own ache to pull back. “i was happy,” she laughed, breathy and soft as it puffed against his lips. “just very... frustrated.”

     “‘frustrated’?” he asked.

     “yes.”

     her answer had barely made it out before she was pushing back in, their tongues meeting first as he let out a quiet groan.

     without either of them realizing, her thighs had parted and his hips had slipped between them, pressing down and drawing them flush together. she trembled under him, a shiver shooting up her spine that took hold of him next.

     the quiet amplified their breathing, each hitch and stutter, the moan that ruptured on her tongue as his traced over her lips. even the scratch of his beard as her thumb pushed into his jaw.

     bucky felt her lips curling before she finally let out a soft giggle that rose into a full laugh as he pulled back. “what?”

     “it’s like sandpaper,” she hummed, feeling each hair under her fingertip, the skin under them pulling as he smiled back at her.

     “should have kept shaving?”

     her head began to shake, stilling as she thought it over and recalled his smooth skin on new year’s. “hm... i’ve only kissed this you, but you’re beautiful either way.”

     if only just to conceal the heat rising to his face, he ducked in to gently rub his lips and cheeks over hers.

     she huffed a laugh against him, attempting to pull back from the scrape but finding it impossible with the mattress under her head. it dipped lower, more forceful as it reached her neck. his hips were as firm as his kiss as they reacted to hers instinctively canting up toward them. they kept her in place, drew a shaky sigh from her just as he parted his lips to pull her skin between them.

     he had his answer already, nothing but his own desire driving him to continue punishing her skin. something about the contrast of its softness and his beard’s roughness was enough to make him lightheaded. the thought of his touch lingering even after he drew back.

     feeling her swallow thickly, he began trailing back up to her mouth where she met him eagerly.

     “i think you like the beard more,” he rasped.

     “i-i don’t know, i’ll have to test ride both.”

     eyebrow twitching, he grinned against her, “ride?”

     he knew she was going to pull back, to fumble through a clarification, so he moved to silence her under his kiss again, her fight dying at the back of her throat.

     “i’d be honored,” he breathed.

     she groaned, grabbing at his back to squeeze the fabric of his sweatshirt in her fists. the warmth from the morning had turned to searing heat, even with the chill of ice threatening outside. it was no longer soothing, no longer a comfort. it had grown into a sharp ache in her center that repeatedly forced her thighs tight around his hips. she wanted him to lose control again and thrust down into her, grant her even a flash of relief. let her feel if the same ache was welling within him.

     letting out a heavy breath through his nose, bucky pulled back, a smack sounding from their lips.

     he gazed down at her, waiting for her to open her eyes and meet his before he could retreat fully. and where he had expected to find disappointment, he found a similar sense of relief, as if she was in agreement that their actions should end there.

     so, with permission, he fell away, rolling onto his back once more and casting his sigh toward her ceiling. he wasn’t surprised when she followed, curling against him just as they had been before.

     “don’t look down,” he pleaded quietly, knowing from the giggle that sounded from her that she hadn’t obeyed.

     “isn’t that unhealthy?” she asked, “not... relieving it?”

     bucky snorted, wiping his hand over his face. “no.”

     endlessly frustrating, as she had so eloquently put it, yes. but he wouldn’t exactly fall ill from it. he just needed to breathe, try not to focus too hard on the scent of her in every breath he took.

     “i-i’m gonna- let me use the bathroom real quick.”

     she allowed him to climb up and out of bed easily, didn’t comment on how he stumbled rounding the corner of her bed on his way to the door.

     it had been easy all those months to keep himself under control. well, easier, anyway. he didn’t know anything other than what his mind could conjure on its own, wasn’t tempted enough by the hazy images. but now he did know. he had felt her on top of him, against him, beneath him. had heard the sounds she made in each of those positions. and they were both adults, there was hardly any shame if they were to give into one another entirely. that wasn’t the problem.

     like always, he found beer waiting for him in her fridge. it was barely afternoon, but that didn’t matter much anyway when he would feel no effects.

     his breath was sucked out of him with the cold of the air when he stepped onto her porch, white of the landscape nearly blinding in the midday sun. it felt good after a moment, a nice wash over his form to ease the burn of heat with the burn of ice. he only let it soak in for long enough that he could finish off his drink, the empty bottle sweating only under the warmth of his palm.

     it was quiet inside still, no television cutting through it like he had expected. stepping back into her room, he saw why.

     she was curled in much the same position as he had left her, a familiar book in her hand.

     “you’re almost finished,” he noted, seeing for himself how much remained in the final book when he got back onto the bed.

     “gandalf just found sam and frodo,” she said, trying to wipe at her eyes discreetly as he slid into place beside her.

     they readjusted, her head falling back into place atop his chest, the book resting on his stomach with her hand on one side and his on the other. bucky realized quickly that she thought he had begun reading along with her when she tapped her thumb to the page and waited for him to do the same before turning it. but he wasn’t, he didn’t really need to, for one thing. and he was much happier getting to watch her take it all in instead. the furrow to her brows at certain points, the way she adjusted her head when she had been laying on one spot for too long. after one turn of the page, the next caught under his grasp, the corner of it creased where his younger self had folded it.

     she read, paused for a moment, and turned to him like she was going to say something before she stopped herself.

     “what?” he laughed.

     “nothing...”

     bucky waited for barely a second before she spoke up again.

     “do you still have your halloween costume?”

     his grin was hard to fight, but he managed. at first. “maybe. why?”

     “just wondering,” she mumbled.

     her hold on the book had to tighten as it shook with his laughter, a bitten smile tugging at her lips.

     page after page, the cluster of them near the backside of the book dwindling, until bucky noticed her lingering on one in particular for longer than usual. her taps had ceased, her hand altogether going limp atop his stomach. in the quiet of the late afternoon, he heard her breathing deepen in the same way it had the night before. when her features had gone slack with sleep and he was left to watch her through pale moonlight.

     carefully, he freed the book from what was left of her hold, bending a corner of the page before he set it aside. he could still feel the aged paper between his fingertips when they reached for hers, a twitch pulling at his lips from the contrast to her skin.

     perhaps he’d spent too much time scrutinizing the weight that had collected around his middle the past few years. perhaps all the jeans he’d gone through and shirts that grew too snug were worth it if it meant she could find a pillow atop him. a soft cradle from which he could watch over her, know she was safe.

     they agreed to spend that night in their own homes, alone and itching for one another. running hands over sheets where he had made a dent in and he wished for her to. but the roads had been cleared enough for school to resume, and maybe an intermission to their touch would serve purpose.

     “i thought maybe you were callin’ to say you were sick,” tom chuckled, “it bein’ that early and whatnot.”

     bucky shook his head, his smile hidden behind his shoulder as he cranked away at the last bolt on the tire in front of him. “not sick.”

     not in an ill sense of the word, anyway. but he was dizzy and unfocused, felt a flush pouring through him sporadically throughout the day as if he had a fever. it’d been quite a while since he felt a cold or anything close to it, and part of him knew that any sick days he’d had growing up were never so pleasant. but the thought had another springing into his mind, one that had him asking to head out a little early and making his way to the grocery store.

     the timing was near perfect, him and alpine hardly having to wait twenty minutes before headlights fell over them.

     “oh, my god, if that isn’t the best sight to come home to ever.”

     bucky grinned as she stepped through her screen door, standing to meet her in a gentle kiss. her eyes were sparkling through her glasses when they pulled back.

     “i thought maybe i could cook for you again,” he breathed, rustling the plastic bag in his hand. “chicken noodle soup, without the chicken. my mom’s recipe.”

     her cheeks ached under the cold of the air and the force of her smile. “sounds perfect.”

     she followed his orders to let him handle everything, more than happy to observe his muscles rippling under his shirt and the way he stopped every few moments to think about his next move. sometimes pinching his brows and shutting his eyes to let the memory come back to him easier. when he finally set the lid onto the pot, she shuffled over to him and let her arms curl around his waist.

     “wanna dance?” she hummed, listening to the last notes of the song playing on the radio.

     bucky gave her a curious sort of look for a second before he caved, snorting, “alright.” as her hands moved up to find his shoulders, he settled his onto her waist, looking down at it before back to her. “i haven’t danced since senior prom.”

     “i never went to prom.”

     “no?” he sighed, choosing to slide his feet over the linoleum so he didn’t risk bearing his full weight onto one of hers. when she shook her head, he swallowed, hesitating as he found his footing enough to take her hand in his and send her into a twirl as he took a step back. “this is how far apart they had us.”

     using his arm as a sort of rope, she dragged him back in. “well, we’re not at your senior prom, so...”

     “no,” he laughed, “we’re not.” just as they began to sway slowly, a familiar tune started up. his eyes lit up when he looked at her. “great song.”

     she waited a second, smiling at the title calling out, ‘isn’t she lovely?’

     “it is,” she smiled.

     “my dad used to play it and sing it to becca when it came out,” he recalled, thinking back to the kitchen of his childhood home and the sight of his mother laughing from beside the stove as his father danced around the room with his sister in his arms. his eyes must have shown how far away he’d gone, the world rushing back to him when a hand found his cheek. “i’m alright,” he said.

     she ran her thumb over his jaw, slowly letting her palm fall back to his shoulder. just in time for him to get a devious little grin on his face and begin to sway them faster, dramatically. her laugh echoed when he pushed her into another twirl, coming to a giggly end once he tucked her against his chest tightly. she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, his hand curling around to her back. like magnets, their foreheads found each other, his gaze unwavering from hers. even as her lashes fluttered and hers fell away, he stared at her, stuck between bewilderment and gratefulness.

     bucky relieved her of the weight of his gaze, letting his lips press to her forehead instead before she moved to rest in the crook of his neck, his hand soothing over her back as he chuckled quietly.

     they were lying on her couch, the evening having slipped away from them in a haze of soup and mindless television, when she curled her leg up from his lap to nudge her foot into his chin.

     “what?” he bit, righting his head from where it had fallen back against the cushions. “i’m awake.”

     her laugh drew closer as she sat up and leaned in to kiss at his cheek. “it’s only nine, grandpa.”

     “you keep your house too warm.”

     “it’s on sixty-seven.” his face scrunched in a slight grimace, but she ignored it, standing up between his legs. “c’mon,” she said, holding her hand out for him to take.

     “where are we going?” he grunted, allowing her to pull him the few steps to her door.

     taking his coat from where it was draped over the back of her dining chair, she held it out to him and waited for him to follow her lead and allow her to slip it onto him. “we may never see snow like this again in our lifetime, you know?”

     “is that so?” he smirked. she was nodding when he turned to face her again, quick to zip his coat from bottom to the very top until his chin was covered.

     “yep,” she huffed, moving to kick his boots over to him and pull her own on.

     bucky stood and watched her bundle herself up, declined when she asked if he wanted one of her extra gloves. she’d dragged him all the way down her front steps before turning suddenly to run back inside, leaving him to look over at his dark house where it sat lifelessly in the myriad of colors left from holiday decorations around the neighborhood.

     “okay,” she chirped, descending back down to him.

     “what did you forget?”

     pulling her hands from her coat pocket, she showed off the small camera in one. “it’s a little silly,” she started, shrugging, “but i kinda made it my resolution to take more pictures. i feel like i don’t have that many from between, like, middle school and now. i wanna have more to look back on, i guess.”

     he smiled softly at her. “i don’t think that’s silly.”

     matching his smile, she stepped closer to him and slid off a glove so she could turn the camera on and mess with the settings. “here,” she motioned, pulling him in to be level with her as she stretched her arm out and pointed the lens at them.

     bucky looked to her, watching her smile at it and feeling one of his own creep onto his face. the flash startled him, his embarrassment too thick to tell her he wasn’t looking.

     “okay, take one of me,” she directed, handing the camera off to him. “it’s got a screen on it so you can see, just press this button.”

     “right...”

     she stepped away from him, standing in the middle of the empty lot between them and posing with a peace sign and a smile. he chuckled, glancing between her and the grainy image of her on the screen before finally taking the picture.

     “alright, now the fun can start.” she plucked the camera from him and set it just inside her screen door on the porch.

     “we making snowmen, or...?”

     “mm... not exactly. see that over there?”

     he followed where she was pointing behind him, head turning first before his body when he couldn’t discern what she was referring to. “what am i-”

     just as he moved to face her again, a hand went to the back of his head and another softly pushed into his face. ice cold flooded out over his skin, his own hand instinctively moving to pry hers away. bits and pieces of snow crumbled off his face, shooting when he let out a hefty snort to clear it from his nose. he could hear her laughing, felt her hold on his head sliding around to wipe at his scruff as he cleared his eyes.

     she was beaming, overflowing with mischievous pride at her successful attack. completely unaware of the trap she’d walked herself into.

     giving one last swipe over his face, he shook out his hand and fixed his gaze on her.

     “big mistake.”

     she watched him a moment, gauging exactly where his reaction fell. and without breaking eye contact, he lowered himself down and dug his hand into the snow, grabbing enough in one scoop of his massive palm to have her stepping backwards.

     “wait!” she squealed, trying to grab for some to defend herself with as she scrambled through the sea of ice and snow.

     bucky remained quiet through her pleas, tracked her movements and predicted her next ones all in the same pass of his gaze. she managed to chuck a haphazardly formed snowball at him, the life draining from her when it zipped right past him. the sight of his arm raising had her taking off into a clunky sprint, boots struggling through the snow like it was wet cement.

     her mistake was juvenile, wouldn’t have mattered anyway. but the decision to move in a straight line helped his aim, the tight packing of snow exploding over the back of her coat and causing her to yelp as she fell forward.

     there was a second of hesitation where bucky thought maybe he’d underestimated the strength of his throw, where he took one step forward to move to check on her. but then he squinted through the distance between them, watching as she began drawing her arms in as if she was collecting as much snow as possible from the patch he’d knocked her into. when she stood, his foot that had moved forward drew back.

     “and it’s going down your pants!” she called, cradling the massive blob she’d formed in her arms tightly as she started toward him and caused him to begin taking steps backward.

     “now, hold on, sweetheart... we can talk about this.”

     “i’m sorry, bucky,” she cooed, “this is how it has to be.”

     he only let his smile slip through a little, hand coming up in mock surrender. “don’t do something we’ll both regret.”

     without another word, her pace quickened, spurring him to finally take off and slip behind her trailer. the trees were denser behind hers, almost entirely blocked off from the reach of the streetlights. all she had to rely on was the fainter light from her bedroom windows.

     she rounded the entire back of her home, coming out on the other side to still find it clear of his hulking form. her boots stopped short, head turning this way and that, pausing to try and detect any kind of movement.

     “what the hell?” she breathed, turning to head back through the narrow gap between the metal siding of her home and the thick trunks of trees. “bucky?”

     her skin started to prick with goosebumps from more than the chill of the air when she padded back to the open space between their houses. another, more desperate call of his name was on the tip of her tongue when she heard a crunch of snow behind her and turned just in time to see him gearing up for a tackle.

     her scream broke through the thick of silence in the air, morphing into laughter that was equally loud enough to echo off the snow covered trees and tight clusters of tin homes.

     he’d managed to get his arm around her before knocking them both to the ground, hand coming to brush through the snow under her head and make sure it had cushioned her well enough. sure of it, he began shushing her, his lips barely managing to conceal his own smile as he ducked in to kiss away her giggles.

     the frozen earth bit into his skin, fingers curling through buried, dead blades of grass while their mouths moved together. his heart was pounding, nerves buzzing from the brief chase. the warmth of her under him and the thud of her own veins beneath her skin where it met his. she was still smiling when he pulled back, lashes fluttering open behind the fog of her lenses to reveal mirthful and blown pupils. the snow around her head, burning gold under the nearly orange hue of the streetlights, had formed a kind of halo, drawing him into her closer.

     it opened the perfect doorway for her to strike, fingers curling around what was left of her giant snowball where it and her arms had fallen over her head. they rose, smashing it over the back of his head and causing a fresh snowfall around her the more she smushed it into his hair.

     “you’re too impulsive,” he grinned, “don’t think your plans through enough.”

     before she could respond, he began shaking like a dog onto her, laughing over her playful whines of protest.

     “you think yours through too much,” she huffed, wiping at her face. “get off me, you animal.”

     “what if i don’t want to?”

     trying uselessly to blink away the fog on her glasses, she looked over him searching for something more than the lazy, smug smirk on his lips. “what about keeping me where it’s warm, huh?”

     bucky laughed before he sat back on his knees, holding out his hand for her to use to pull herself up with. “this was your idea, sweetheart.”

     all she gave him was a purse of her lips and a glance out of the corner of her eye, pushing onto his shoulders to free her legs from between his and hoist herself back to her feet. she managed to make one full step before his hand was wrapping around her wrist.

     “i’m sorry,” he said playfully, giving her a tug so she stepped back up to him. she watched him as he watched her, his chilled touch dipping into her glove so he could pull it down enough to expose the back of her hand. which he then brought up to his lips, grinning through his kiss as she rolled her eyes. “won’t you forgive me?”

     “oh, get up, you weirdo.”

     he couldn’t help himself but to nip at her skin before doing so, hold unwavering around her wrist as they started back to her house and she collected her camera.

     they shook themselves off under the shelter of her porch, boots stomping onto old wood and leaving prints of snow where it fell off of them, hardly anything left but the chill of it in their bones. the rush of warm air when she opened her front door hit him hard. it left him standing on the other side of it, on the linoleum of her kitchen floor, just gazing at her as she slid back out of her coat and boots and gloves.

     “i should shower,” he sighed.

     the implication behind his words being he should leave and go back to his own home for the night. that despite both of their gazes being so heatedly fixed on one another, they should part for the evening.

     she assumed it was her, that she had pushed too hard too fast one too many times and finally scared him back into his shell that she’d so desperately tried to coax him out of. because he was distant. not cold, just... far. physically and conversationally. the way he’d tucked himself closer to the door in her car didn’t go unnoticed. and in the store, a day after their usual day, he didn’t dare linger at her side for the opportunity to brush hands or bump shoulders like he normally would. and it was all just starting to boil over inside her, pushing her to press him for the first time out of all the times he’d pulled back.

     “was it the hug?” she tried, almost embarrassed to be asking such a thing.

     “no,” bucky sighed, shutting his eyes to avoid her worried brows. “no, it... wasn’t that. i enjoyed that. a lot.”

     her face relaxed, a smile teasing at her lips. “so, what was it?”

     looking to her again, he ran his knuckles over his jaw, already feeling his stubble starting to sprout up into prickles from his skin. “i had a dream- a nightmare,” he confessed, “about you. about hurting you.”

     “you won’t hurt me.”

     there wasn’t a moment’s hesitation in her response, voice calm and certain as she spoke and reached out instinctively to pull his hand away from where it had begun to rub at his skin too hard.

     and upon finding her gaze again, bucky couldn’t help himself, couldn’t stop the way he used her hold as leverage to tug her into him across the frozen grass of their yards. she stumbled slightly, caught off guard, and fell against him harder than either of them anticipated.

     “sorry,” she laughed, slightly muffled into his chest as she snaked her arms around his waist under his jacket.

     bucky only shook his head, too lost in the way her hands had left a burning trail around his sides and onto his back. the way it had only been a matter of days and yet he felt like a lifetime had passed since the last time they held each other. and, god, it was good. he’d survive through a million nightmares just to breathe her in and soak up the warmth of her pressed to him.

     her hand rubbed slowly at his back as she looked up to him. “better?”

     “better,” he rasped, fighting the padding of her coat to squeeze her in closer. if only just to hear her giggle, just to see her bite her smile before hiding her face against him.

     eventually, the wind blew just right and the thought of separating no longer seemed as devastating and she followed his lead of beginning to step back. they both exhaled, her hands searing back over their same path and branding the feel into his flesh. her smile was bright, eyes brighter as they fell on his.

     her skin was warmer than usual when he nudged at her chin. “go enjoy the last of your break, sweetheart.”

     “i will,” she nodded, smiling to herself when she thought of just what she would be getting up to the rest of the week.

     a little part of her had thought maybe he would forget about the mixtape. that he had brought it up again as just a way to distract himself from the fireworks or make conversation for the evening. to tease her. whatever the reason, she didn’t think it was that serious to him. not until he began to pester her nearly every day about it. each time they crossed paths throughout the week, he was pressing for it.

     “it’s a whole new year, sweetheart. i need that mixtape to play catch-up. i’m running outta time here.”

     “got anything for me?”

     “radio’s going a lot down at the shop, i don’t want to spoil anything for myself, you know.”

     and maybe if he knew exactly what she had planned, he wouldn’t have teased as much, would have noticed her nerves before it came to the point of her shyly offering, “it’s in post-production.”

     bucky retreated a bit after sensing her hesitation, wrapped his hand around her arm in an attempt to soothe her. “i’m sure it’s perfect.”

     she smiled softly at him before looking away. it wasn’t a matter of being perfect or not, it was how he was going to receive it. it was whether or not she had finally gotten the timing right to push him after waiting so long. the hug had toyed with her, stalling all plans she had originally thought of for which songs to select. she had gone back to accepting it was just her fate to be stuck waiting for him indefinitely, longing to indulge herself in him.

     but then the hug wasn’t a problem. then he was seeking one out with firm tugs or pleading eyes, and she found a new wave of confidence surging through her.

     “here you are,” she smiled, holding out the plastic case to him and hoping he didn’t hear the way her voice shook for a moment. “greatest songs of the last two decades, all in one compact disc.”

     she’d timed it perfectly, the work week starting back up in the morning and offering her a clean escape if he decided to shut her out forever.

     as he looked over the cover, she shuffled her feet, his porch squeaking under her. “there’s a couple from before you enlisted, so you might recognize them. i don’t know what exactly you were listening to back then, so...”

     “sweetheart,” bucky marveled, “this is incredible. how did you even do this?” his eyes raked over the case, a small chuckle leaving him as he read it.

     “um... ms paint, mostly,” she shrugged.

     “what?”

     “a big, fancy computer program that’s very difficult to use, and quite a bit of the school’s printer ink. so you better appreciate it.”

     “i do.” he looked at her sincerely. “this means a lot.”

     the weight of his gaze grew heavier by the second, pushing down on her until she broke away from it to take the cd back and pop open the case. “i-i made a little booklet, too. with the songs and lyrics and everything in case you want them.” when he went to take it from her, she quickly yanked it back. “no! wait... wait until you- look at it later, okay?”

     “okay,” he laughed. she let out a sigh before tucking everything away and handing it back to him. “this a bad time to say i don’t have anything to play it on?”

     her nose scrunched as she groaned. “wait here.”

     with a sense of urgency, she made her way off his porch and back across their yards. at the crack of her storm door shutting, he chanced another look at the cd, turning it over in his hand to a tracklist he only glanced at before a little drawing caught his eye. one of him, he concluded, with alpine draped over his head as she pointed to the songs. it reminded him of the night they went to the state fair, and his water bottle had been customized with a tiny caricature of himself.

     he flipped it back over when he heard her door creaking open again.

     “i want this back,” she huffed, offering out her cd player with the headphones carefully placed on top, cord wrapped around it. “you’ll have to get your own eventually.”

     bucky grinned down at the device, its pink shell with stickers all over it. “i don’t know, this one seems to suit me pretty well.”

     “we can bling yours out when you get it.”

     “i’ll hold you to that.”

     her face fell for a brief second. “i hope so.”

     his scrunched in confusion.

     the normalcy of routine fell over him. dinner with his sister and an evening of weather forecasts. snow starting overnight, apparently picking up the following afternoon. took it long enough. he was just thankful for the fresh set of tires on the beetle right outside his front window.

     when he shut his television off for the night and plunged his home into darkness, he had faintly forgotten about the gift waiting for him on his nightstand, a rush of excitement flooding his limbs when he spotted the cd.

     propped against his pillows and guided by lamplight, he carefully set about figuring out the player, waited for a sign of success before placing her headphones over his ears. he had to adjust them slightly, grimacing at the click of them expanding.

     again, as he slid the booklet out of the case and began to examine it, he was overcome with a wave of some sort of feeling that was hard to place. now that’s what i call music! bucky mix. it made him chuckle, if only just to conceal the way his pulse began to pound. the care she had put into it, the small drawings that graced each page as he flipped through it... of fuzzy hats and souvenir bears. of shopping carts filled with plums and halloween candy, the silhouette of a white cat in a window and a bike sheltered under a makeshift car port. it was endless, overwhelming, squeezed at his heart like a vise of vulnerability and visibility. because for all the times he saw her, she had looked right back.

     lips parted around a shaky exhale, he turned the booklet back to the first page and forced his thumb into the play button.

track 01. mötley crüe - on with the show

     sharp guitar and strained vocals filled his ears, a clear taunt from her when he read over the page dedicated to the song. the lyrics were lost on him, a garbled backdrop for the way his eyes rolled in his head and a lopsided smirk curled at his lips at the thought of her, nothing more than the child he’d seen in photos, listening to the album and fawning over the bassist. by the date she had marked on the page, he would have been able to listen to it himself, could have gone out to the shops and tried to find a copy of it in the small, conservative corner of the world he had been a boy in. but a fifteen year old bucky wouldn’t have been searching for such things, would he have?

     he made a mental note to give her his less-than-glowing review of it the next day, if only just to bask in the flustered reaction his teasing could draw out of her.

track 02. modern english - i melt with you

     as the disc spun into its next song, he recognized it before it even began. one that he had gotten to witness in the dwindling days of his freedom. a hit that played over radio stations that were grainy the further out from the city him and his friends got. one that, as it played, had him flashing back to a theater and a desire to be anywhere but in its rickety seats. because it was after the pep had left his step, and he was ready to pack his bags and disappear into an oblivion he never could have foreseen for himself. he took his time tracing his thumb over the lyrics as they came, a smaller, less mirthful smile tugging at his lips. the words seemed to fit the two of them in a reality bucky had deprived them of. one where in the chaos and destruction, they were allowed to fully indulge in one another and envision days ahead, whatever they may hold.

track 03. corinne bailey rae - put your records on

     a total jump occurred after familiarity faded into plucky chords and a lively beat. he couldn’t help but let his head begin to bob softly. something he could picture her dancing around her kitchen to with its catchy melody and almost nostalgic lyrics. the mention of summertime. rays slicing through trees and grass as he stepped back into a life that didn’t seem like it was meant for him anymore and a new addition to his neighborhood. a shake of his freshly snipped strands into the fading grass. more than a bob of his head and a tap of his fingers, he felt the weight in his chest and the comfort it brought with it.

track 04. cher - walking in memphis

     and then piano keys started and he was back to familiarity, left to bark out a laugh at the artist’s name and accompanying winky face laid before him. and the drawing of what he assumed to be himself bowing at the foot of the famous pop star. “brat,” he huffed out, tone hollow and dripping with affection. another taunt. a welcome one as it sent his blood surging through him in the way only music seemed to be able to. the kind that made people want to jump up out of their seats and holler along to even the simplest, most repetitive lyrics.

track 05. whitney houston - i wanna dance with somebody (who loves me)

     it welled in him once more as vocalizations rang out over music that was unmistakably recognizable to its time, even if bucky himself couldn’t recall it. so much truth in something so simple and catchy, meant for the tops of charts and yet still managing to permeate through his core and strike at a nerve in him that made his fingers twitch to splay over her spine and tug her into him.

track 06. salt-n-pepa - whatta man

     he would blush, began to blush, as the next song began to sing praise in his ears that was so clearly not meant for him, yet somehow felt as if she was stood right before him saying such things directly to him. and if her mission had been to seek her revenge for all the times he left her sputtering through her words and trapped within the confines of her own heated skin, well... mission accomplished.

     through a harsh swallow, he braced for the impending impact of whatever was up next for him, her motive for the mixtape suddenly all too apparent.

track 07. dan hartman - i can dream about you

     and if he was any more blind, she left no room for him to be for long. in another lifetime, another universe where bucky had been the one to spend his days flipping through radio stations and his neighbor had fallen victim to some repressive force that deprived her of such luxuries, he would have been putting the song on a mixtape for her. would have been confessing his subconscious desires through a third party in the same way she was. the same way he hoped she was.

track 08. backstreet boys - it’s gotta be you

     she must have meant to disarm him after the abrupt revelation. or perhaps he was hallucinating all along, and the confession was only there because he so desperately wished for it to be. because his brows furrowed before another bark of laughter left him. that first time in her car, when her stereo had cut them off and sent her scrambling to eject the disc within it. he was curious at the time, wondered what the song would have become if she had let it continue to play. but as it finally did, he was more than happy to carry out the rest of his life in ignorance. the vision of her belting over the pound of her car speakers, speeding over highways and backroads alike, was tempting, though.

track 09. jonas brothers - year 3000

     and just to further send him off balance and have his head rolling back with laughter, she slipped in another testament to his age. because a live performance on thanksgiving just wasn’t enough, he needed the full studio version and a doodle of himself front row at a concert. alpine in tow atop his shoulders.

track 10. whitney houston - how will i know

     there was just enough of a pause between songs for him to hear the whir of the cd player before another addictive beat started and a freshly familiar voice filled his ears.and that confession? the one he thought maybe he had imagined? there it was again, staring him down through the carefully typed and printed words that drifted through her headphones. how else was he meant to take it? how else was he meant to hear them or feel the weight they carried? how could he not think about her tucked into her bed just across the way, staring up at her ceiling and wondering endlessly if he was stuck doing the same? if only she knew how often he found himself in such a scenario, how often he woke in a sweat and reached out for his empty bed. if only he’d just told her.

track 11. starship - nothing’s gonna stop us now

     no room for doubt anymore, not even a moment for him to inhale, or exhale when he realized he was already holding a lungful hostage. rolling straight into the next song, the next melodic profession of months of pent up feelings. choruses and hooks that he once found cheesy and exaggerated, but suddenly had so much meaning when he felt them note for note. all the more when he thought of her sitting at her computer, in her room where she’d built a world for herself, plucking out song after song that so effortlessly seemed to describe them perfectly no matter how cliché.

track 12. a flock of seagulls - space age love song

     another that, from the date, he could have recognized, would have maybe scoffed at in his newfound cynicism. beyond simple, beyond repetitive, no easier to stomach as his heart began to race and skip in his chest. it was all beginning to feel so permanent, like after the disc stopped and he was left sitting in silence, they would never be where they once were ever again. they never could be. and he didn’t want them to be.

track 13. reo speedwagon - can’t fight this feeling

     like it had been pulled straight from both of their chests, the next washed over him and had his hand fisting in his shirt right over his heart. it had started as a pained promise to him, almost a threat if he hadn’t been just as desperate as she had, ended as complete acceptance on his part.

track 14. the goo goo dolls - iris

     that racing only got worse, almost had him ripping the headphones from his ears to escape it as he grew more and more bare, stripped raw under the pressure of observation. she saw him, almost always had, even if he fought needlessly to keep himself hidden from her for too long. she was sentimental, he’d known that, found it in the littlest things about her life the more she revealed them to him. but the intricacies of it were suffocating at times. that she could see straight inside him without ever going through. and wanted to keep looking after it all.

track 15. aimee mann - save me

     and in the time she had taken to learn him, she had left herself vulnerable to his own perception, had come to accept it with the brush of his thumb across her cheeks and the security of his palm against her shoulders. a question for the both of them from one another. it could be left unanswered, open-ended as they explored the untraversed landscape of a relationship beyond what they had become accustomed to. one where they had stripped each other down to nothing and still found something beautiful in the remains.

track 16. the cranberries - dreams

     just when he thought maybe he could steady his breathing, she forced it back into a frantic rhythm that fell in time with the thudding in his ears. a smile he hadn’t noticed building until it was pushing at his cheeks caused an ache in his muscles, back sliding down until he was flat to his mattress and gazing up at the motionless blades of his ceiling fan.

track 17. when in rome - the promise

     the steadying came when he finally took in a breath deep enough to have him sinking down into his sheets almost weightlessly when he let it out. she could wait, she could be patient, all along knowing it would lead them right to where they were. at the edge of friendship and that little bit more that went unexplored as they danced around one another. at first, only strangers, branded neighbors from his own self-inflicted wounds. lost in the swarm of words left unspoken because neither of them knew how to form them on their tongues.

track 18. peter gabriel - in your eyes

     he hadn’t felt the security she gave to him in so long, he thought maybe it was something lost to time, to maturity. a forgotten relic that only came back in dreams and lingered like a ghost throughout the day as a harsh reminder of an innocence that most left behind them. fearful of what giving away that piece could mean for one’s ego. a comment he had laughed at in the moment, one she made in the stillness of his home on christmas, was suddenly the most obvious thing in the world to him. it forced another laugh from him as he wiped at his eyes, fingertips damp with fresh tears and the release that washed over him. it was cathartic to have them cloud his vision for a reason other than torment for once. for the way she had pulled him under so deep only to let him float back up to the surface with nothing more than her deliberate curation of music.

track 19. sixpence none the richer - kiss me

     and by the time the pause between songs ended, and a delicate strum drowned out his quiet sobs, he was almost stoic, frozen in place as he listened and didn’t bother to read. another wave of nostalgia, one of how she had come into his world and shared it with him as he got reacquainted with it, draped over him from beneath his thin bedding. the repetition of the title at the end of the song, beating away at him in the gentlest way possible just as she had. all the times they were right there... so close and then he pulled back, stopped himself short. turned away to avoid the way her eyes fell. he refused to do so again.

     for once, the forecast had been correct, a thin dusting of white already covering the park when he stepped out onto his porch, more falling down around him. he wasn’t sure how he was meant to sleep after that, and didn’t dare try to figure it out. instead, he sat in the plastic chair on his back deck, staring across the blanket of untouched snow to her bedroom window that was bathed in darkness, and waited. even as the cold began to pinch at the nerves of his shoulder, and his ass went numb in his seat. until the first rays of sun crawled across his corner of the earth, stretching out and going pale against the stark white surrounding him.

     her windows lit up yellow, blurry behind the clouds of his breath as he watched them carefully. every so often, her shadow would flash across one and cause his fist to curl, palm clammy against his fingertips. there was a break in the snow, just as expected, where the bubble of silence broke and bucky began to hear the neighborhood coming to life around him. doors opening and closing, cars fighting to start through the frost. when he saw her lights cut off, he sat up straighter.

     she stepped out onto her porch with a grumble, struggling with her bags and the snow brush she had only picked up the night before. a yawn left her as she stepped down into the dusting over her yard, peaks of grass poking through it. the sound of another’s boots crunching drew her gaze up to where her neighbor was already making his way over to her.

     “does having so much energy in the morning come with age?” she teased, laughing softly at her own words.

     when there was no response at first, she didn’t think much of it, kept on her path to stand beside her car and unlock her door. but when she still didn’t receive one, she finally turned back to him, furrowing her brows at the way he beelined for her.

     “are you okay?”

     there was a quiver in her voice, one that crept down her spine when bucky finally came to a stop right in front of her. he just stared at her, an almost pained look on his face, as she looked back up at him.

     “bucky?”

     now she’d really gone timid, nervous that she had went too far and was left to just wait for him to collect himself enough to tell her off.

     but he never did.

     a thick cloud left his lips as he let out the breath he’d been harboring in his lungs the entire walk over. “sweetheart...”

     another crunch sounded between them, his boots barely a step away from hers. and his eyes had fallen.

     when she realized where they had landed, she took in a breath, stuck frozen in place as she stared at his gaze locked onto her lips. maybe... maybe she had went too far. but maybe it hadn’t been the direct path to rejection she had thought it would be.

     her free hand trembled slightly as she reached for his, a faint gasp leaving her when their skin touched. gaze falling to their fingers, she whispered, “you’re cold.”

     and when he pulled out of her grasp, her eyes darting back up to his face, she only had a second to watch his closed before his chilled palm landed on her cheek and he was ducking in.

     her heart was racing, lashes slowly beginning to flutter shut as the press of his lips to hers finally sunk in. they were rough and bitten and he was shy and she nearly collapsed until her hand came to wrap around his wrist loosely. it tightened instinctively when he pulled back.

     bucky was already panting, breaths coming shakily as he pressed their foreheads together and tried to steady himself.

     “did you... like the mixtape, then?” she tried, barely getting a moment to open her eyes.

     “yes,” he whimpered, breaking out of her grasp to wrap his arm around her and tug her back in.

     he was just as nervous, only slightly less shy, allowing his hand to traverse her jacket and find the back of her neck again. the shiver that jostled her in his hold encouraged him, one of his own pricking at his hair as her hands slid up onto his shoulders and around to his back. their noses bumped with the tilt of her head, fingertips brushing over his nape and forcing a pitched noise up his throat. it was sweet, saturated in desperation, had her ready to break apart from the inside out. the crash of reality hadn’t hit her yet. hadn’t knocked her to her knees under the weight of relief. months of buds that turned to blooms, finally unfurling into a warmth that she felt begin in her chest and flood out into her limbs. the suddenness of it had her shaking, lips trembling against his as her gentle touch turned to fists of urgency.

     bucky grunted from the feel of her tugging at his hair, hadn’t realized his hand was sliding down to grip at her hip until he had pushed her back against her car and she was gasping loudly against his lips.

     “jesus, s-sorry, i-”

     her head shook quickly, arms tightening around his shoulders. “don’t- please don’t take it back.”

     staring at her, he watched her eyes flutter open. his fingers dug into her. “i don’t want to.”

     her eyes tracked the drag of his tongue over his lips, chest heaving. “don’t.”

     his lips weren’t so rough as they pressed to hers again, his hand pawing at her to snake around her waist, prying between her and her car. pure hunger possessed them, an overwhelming need to get as close as possible and then closer. it had been a week, just long enough for his stubble to grow into a scratch along her chin as they slid their mouths open. for only a moment, just for them to taunt one another with a ghost of tongue. they had used up all their tokens for shy touches and timid explorations and begun careening straight for the grand prize of greed. their feet and legs became entangled, one of his knocking between both of hers as they clung to each other like the moment was reliant on their embrace to keep from disintegrating into nothingness.

     he could taste her, even long after they had retreated from the unknown of trying to venture into one another’s mouths. that would come in time. when his footing was firmer and he could stop shaking in her hold. she must have felt it, the way he was trembling and beginning to transfer his weight onto her, began to guide him into a slower pace with the languid drag of her lips across his and her hand around from his neck to his cheek. he sighed into her waiting mouth, panted against her own cheek when she peppered kisses off into his stubble.

     “okay?” she murmured against his skin, waiting until the scratch of his scruff rubbed over her with his nod to find his lips again.

     just a peck, a long one. with their bodies relying on each other for support and her thumb caressing his jaw to soothe him back into himself.

     “you’ll be late,” he breathed against her, nuzzling his nose into hers as he let his eyes finally open just in time to watch her brows furrow.

     “late?”

     “for work.”

     “oh. right.” his lips drifted a hair too far, hers chasing after them instinctively. “i can be late, i can- i’ll call out.”

     if it weren’t for his hand dipping lower, right to the edge of her jacket to slip beneath it and fist into her shirt, she would have kept drawing closer. “no.”

     at his voice, her eyes finally opened, following after him as he slowly sank in front of her, their gazes never breaking. her head slightly bobbed when she swallowed, a breathy laugh of sorts huffing out of her nose when he wrangled up the straps of her bags and rose again to place them on her shoulder.

     “we’ll both pass out if you don’t go.”

     her teeth sank into her bottom lip, ripping through the traces of him as a smile spread over her face. “i have to get the snow off my car.”

     “i’ll do it.” too tempted, he leaned in again, capturing her against his chest for a final collide of their mouths. her breath hitched when his hand dropped lower, a gasp sucking the air from between them when he moved to yank on the handle of her car door. “go,” he swallowed.

     she followed his step, allowing him the room to fully open the door before he set his hand over the top of it and nudged his chin to order her inside. their gazes had only broken for her to glance at his lips one last time as she planted her hands on his arm and ducked under it. looking him over, admiring the flush to his cheeks, she turned before he could watch the grin spread across her face and went about setting her bags on the passenger seat. and if she arched her back a fraction more than what came naturally, it was all in good fun.

     bucky shook his head at her softly when she finally sat down and faced him.

     safely inside, he shut the door and crouched down again to retrieve her snow brush, making quick work of the thin layer over her hood as it vibrated to life with her engine. as he cleared the windshield of frost, strip by strip, she appeared to him through it, smile bright and growing brighter the longer their eyes locked.

     he tapped the end of the stick on her window when he came to stand beside it, glass already beginning to lower. “drive safe,” he cooed, offering out the brush to her.

     she took it into her hand, tugging on it softly until bucky bent down through her window and she could cup his face again to plant her lips over his. “you’re not going to skip town while i’m gone, are you?”

     his chuckle was light and airy, billowing across her cheeks as he pulled back. “not when i know my sister and you will be looking to kick my ass now.”

     “good,” she grinned.

     “i’ll be right here.”

     nodding, she reluctantly allowed him to stand back up straight, slowly growing bleary through the chilled glass of her window.

     bucky watched as she backed up onto the road and headed toward the front of the park, his feet seemingly frozen to the grass. until the exhaustion came for him all at once, tugging on his limbs, dragging him back into his home. he’d have to show up at the shop eventually, but it would have to be later. much, much later. after he’d gotten enough sleep and enough time to sit with the realization that come dinnertime, he would find himself within a different world inside the one he’d come to know.

     his lips still tingled with the ghost of hers against them, his fingers tracing along the seam of them as he sunk into his mattress. he hadn’t realized how cold he’d let himself become, how deep the chill had permeated into his muscles when they were warm with the relief of her touch.

     her hands were unsteady most of the morning, coming to cup at her cheeks and forehead as she laughed softly to herself. in disbelief, mostly. from the memory, the phantom touches of his hand at her cheek and hip, around her back. she was delirious, drifting through the day with a perpetual smile ready to break across her face. hours. only a matter of hours until she could see him again, hold him again. test the new waters they’d set out on that morning.

     it wasn’t until the afternoon that his phone finally rang, the shrill tone of it piercing through his slumber and drawing a groan from him.

     “where are ya, kid?”

     bucky cleared his throat again, slumped against the wall. “i’m coming.”

     “did you just wake up?” tom asked.

     “mm...” for a moment, he nearly fell back asleep, only jolted back by the crackle of laughter through his phone. “gimme half an hour.”

     “sure, kid.”

     maybe a little longer. long enough for him to swing by the florist just across the highway and make a detour to the other side of town. he’d seen buses rolling through the icy roads on his way, assumed the school would be mostly empty when he passed through the front office. so when he stepped into the library to tiny, hushed voices, he hesitated a moment.

     they were all huddled in one corner at a bay of computers, specifically around one computer in particular. bucky let his eyes trail over the short shelves of books, over to the counter where he could picture her sitting during the day, drawings displayed along the wall behind it. one of a stick figure that vaguely resembled her standing proudly amongst a crowd of bears with belly badges.

     “watch out for the eggs!”

     “i see them.”

     it was her. her voice. full of mirth as she clearly tried to hold in her laughter.

     “go!”

     “now?” she teased.

     “yes!”

     “really?”

     “yes! go!”

     he only heard her laugh finally bubbling out of her for a moment before the library erupted with cheers of victory, the children’s squeals echoing.

     she began to shush them through her giggles, giving up her seat at the computer for a young boy to slip into. “alright,” she nodded, “you’re on your own for water bug.”

     a chorus of soft thank yous kept her occupied for a second longer, just enough that bucky could tuck his hair behind his ear and hide his hand behind his back again before she looked his way. he could tell she was stunned at first, blinking as if she was sure he was nothing more than a mirage. when he didn’t vanish behind her lids, she broke out into a grin and started toward him.

     “i thought they’d be out by now,” he offered, keeping his voice low.

     her head shook softly. “after-school program. aka asking me to beat the funbrain arcade on the highest setting.”

     bucky snorted, feeling his cheeks starting to ache under the pressure of his smile. “whatever that is, i’m sure you’re amazing at it.”

     shrugging playfully, she let a smug sort of look fall over her face. “i won’t brag... but i can clear mighty girl faster than a fourth grader, so...”

     he chuckled, teeth finally peeking out from behind his grin, drawing her gaze for a beat. from the bounce of her feet, and the way her eyes glittered under the soft fluorescents overhead, bucky knew she wanted to reach out for him as desperately as he wanted to reach out for her. to break the divide, he carefully slid his arm around from his back, offering out the small bouquet he was hiding.

     she looked down to them, surprise lacing through her features before her eyes went back to his. soft and affectionate beneath the wonder as she took the crinkled plastic in her hold.

     “thank you,” she breathed.

     his gaze was equally as tender. “you’re welcome.”

     again, she bounced on her heels, the need for clock hands to move faster never more urgent. “i should get back,” she pouted.

     bucky nodded, ready to step back out into the frosty air and quell the heat pooling from the base of his neck. “you free tonight?”

     “yes,” she beamed, “are we not getting groceries?”

     shaking his head, he confessed, “i slept in a little... might be at the shop later than usual. i’ll just come by after work, i don’t want you going out in the snow alone, anyway.”

     still practically shaking, she giggled, “o-okay.” trying to use the flowers to shield herself when her voice trembled.

     the sound had bucky going to lean in before he remembered where they were. with a quiet sigh, he reached out for her hand instead, holding it steady as it trembled slightly in his grasp. even though his was a heartbeat away from shaking just as badly. he raised it up to his lips, pressing them to the skin just above her knuckles as her fingers squeezed around his. she lowered the bouquet enough for him to see the almost timid smile that the gesture gave her.

     his thumb slid over the spot when he pulled away. soft. even in the cold.

     “get home safe.” to me, he wanted to add.

     she nodded slowly, both of them lost in each other’s gaze, even as he began to back up toward the double doors. that he bumped into before he finally fell back to earth and righted himself, matching her grin as he slipped back out into the hallway.

     the plastic in her hold stuck to her palm slightly where it had grown damp from the heat within her. she hadn’t even gotten to properly take in the flowers, which ones he had chosen for her, too busy staring at him in disbelief. from the fact that he was there, standing in front of her, in the library, bringing her flowers after they’d gotten a taste of one another. the thought had her burying her face in the daisies, their scent delicate and fresh as she breathed it in.

     by the evening, the snow had come back in full force, blurring out the world beyond the doors of the garage as bucky went about shutting them. he was thankful for his trailer, for more than a few reasons, not least of which being its proximity to the shop. only a matter of minutes, and he was home. she was, too, lights on and inviting him in as soon as he pulled up. but he was dirty and clammy with a lack of sleep. and he had royalty waiting for supper on the other side of his door.

     he’d barely secured his towel around his hips when he heard it. the light tap of knocks that had a grin creeping across his lips.

     the bright smile on her face when he opened the door slipped slightly, her eyes dropping in time with the corners of her mouth, falling to his bare chest. bucky snorted, nudging his knuckle under her chin to draw her gaze up again.

     “i thought i said i would come over by you,” he teased.

     “i... got impatient.”

     when her eyes dropped to his chest once more, he finally fisted the front of her jacket and pulled her inside, foot kicking the door shut behind her. “too cold out there for you to be wandering around,” he breathed, both of them already listing into one another.

     she tilted her chin up just enough for their noses to bump, watching as his eyes zeroed in on her lips before she began backing up. bucky followed easily. “where should i be, then?”

     and he wasn’t a complete fool, not enough to be oblivious to the way she’d lured them into the kitchen, left herself with nowhere to go as her back hit the counters. “where it’s warm,” he stated, taking a second to make sure his towel was secure still.

     the taunt she had building on her tongue was ripped away as he dropped to wrap his arm around her knees, just enough to lift her onto the counter. he stood with a sigh, hand splaying over the laminate beside her hip. with a swallow, her own tentatively reached up, fingertips ghosting over his chest before they found the thick of his scar. she could see the way he tensed, the way his shoulder reflexively turned away from her a fraction. and when her eyes found his, they were hardened with insecurity.

     bucky’s chest was tight, his stomach tighter. it was sometimes so easy to forget to hide, especially when she’d coaxed him so deep into safety.

     keeping her touch featherlight, she trailed it over his collarbone before cupping his face in her palm. a droplet of water escaped his hairline, rushing down over his temple and seeping into the seam between her skin and his. with her thumb planted in the dimple of his chin, she coaxed him deeper, right up to her lips.

     “you’re warm,” she whispered.

     his mind went hazy with the scent of her, the touch of her at his cheek, and the taste of her just a breath away. her lips parted, thumb pushing down on his chin to open his up, too. and then he’d had enough, pushing forward with a grunt that she greedily swallowed. her hand slid around into his hair, still soaked through from his shower and dripping down into her sleeve. his own grabbed at her hip, pushing away the thick of her jacket to find her waist and elicit a gasp from her.

     “so-sorry,” he rasped, sucked back in when she only shook her head and wrapped her arms around him to keep him close.

     his knee hit the cabinet, hips flush to her thighs when she caged them around him, nothing but the damp heat of his towel between them. a stunted whine sounded from her throat, made him want to pry into the pit of her lungs to drag another out over and over. it was nothing like he imagined, so much better than he ever could have envisioned.

     “wait...”

     his own voice came so breathy and faint, the word barely rolled off his tongue, consonant not even hitting off his teeth.

     but she stilled, soothed her fingers against his scalp as she watched him steady himself, their lips parted against each other. the same need for pause simmered under her own skin, this sort of lingering feeling that they weren’t exactly themselves. how strange it was that they had so completely transformed within a matter of hours. he was still himself, and she was still herself, but they were changed. them together had changed.

     his mouth closing onto hers had changed, too. heated and all-consuming, devouring her and sending her back with enough force to hit her head off the cabinet behind it.

     “shit, sorry.”

     his palm rushing to cradle her crown made them both realize how tightly he’d been clinging to her waist, the pressure of his fingers still throbbing at her side.

     “sorry.”

     her eyes tracked his lips as they formed the word, head shaking again. “stop,” she panted, kissing his open mouth again. “i’m not going to break.”

     bucky let his forehead press to hers, finally cracked a smile when she shook her head back and forth to rub their noses. with his hold on her head sliding down to her nape, he stilled her, kept her in place to slot their lips together again. the water from his hair that wasn’t running off into her sleeve dripped down his back, causing goosebumps to form along his skin that her other hand ran over on its path to his jaw.

     suddenly the darkness behind his eyelids grew darker, a rush of quiet enveloping them and forcing them to part.

     nothing but moonlight bathed over them, scant in the heavy snowfall. the power. great.

     his hand fell to the counter again as he dropped his head onto her shoulder and willed his heart to steady. she laughed softly, breath blowing across his shoulder. as her hands slid away from him, he stepped back, fisting his towel to ensure it would stay in place.

     “think it’s the whole park,” she hummed, glancing toward her own dark trailer as she hopped off the counter.

     bucky nodded, running his hand through his damp hair and sighing at the ghost of her touch refusing to fade. he could only stare at her until she faced him again. letting her hand fall onto his shoulder again, she slid it down to his, feeling the tremble to his fingers. with a gentle tug, she pulled him down into a soft kiss, the tension melting out of his muscles.

     “let me- let me get some clothes on.” she pouted at him when he pulled back, making him laugh breathily. “you don’t wanna stare at my graying chest all night.”

     “i definitely do,” she huffed, watching him grow bashful. “but whatever. do as you must. i’ll go wait for you and her majesty.”

     he made sure to watch that she got back home alright, letting his forehead fall against his door after she was safely inside hers.

     with nothing but the soft white light filtering in through his windows, he went about trying to dry off and get some deodorant and aftershave on before his clothes. he was already paranoid that he’d sweat enough to warrant another shower.

     alpine was reluctant to get inside his jacket for once, the whip of wind and snow outside doing little to convince her. it took a handful of treats and a quick snatch of her off the floor for him to finally get them out and making their way over to their neighbor’s. even on the short walk, he was hissing through his teeth and fighting against the suck of snow at his boots.

     “shit’s really coming down,” he grumbled as soon as he stepped inside, letting alpine jump out and run off to soak in what was left of the heated blanket. candles were lit around the living room and kitchen, most of them small tea lights that flickered with the slightest breeze.

     “school’s officially canceled,” she chirped, waving her cell at him as he slipped off his jacket and boots.

     “you mind if i ring becca on that?”

     “no, no, of course,” she nodded, stepping over to him with her phone open and ready for him. “here.”

     “thanks.” he didn’t think before punching in her home number, the one he knew by heart since childhood, relieved when it rang and she picked up. “you got power over by you?”

     “uh, yeah, obviously,” becca droned, “why?”

     “whole park is completely black.”

     becca voiced her surprise for a moment before she cut herself off to ask, “then how are you calling me?”

     glancing to his neighbor, he turned slightly and leaned into the phone more. “i’m... on a cell.”

     “whose cell, huh?”

     he dodged the teasing tone quickly. “alright, love you, too.” he could hear a cackle before he pressed at buttons and settled on just snapping the phone shut to hang up.

     “she have power?”

     “yeah,” he strained, setting his neighbor’s phone on the counter as she approached him with bowls. “stew?”

     she smiled sheepishly at him. “yeah... like... that first night you came over.”

     “i know,” he cooed, “i remember.”

     they ate on her couch, pressed close together as the heat slowly seeped out of her house and the cold crept in. bucky had to keep his hold on his bowl steady each time she leaned over to steal a kiss, right at the corner of his mouth to tease him endlessly. but she wasn’t prepared for him to finish before her and set his bowl on the coffee table, freeing up his hand to wander over her back and down to her thighs. she nudged at him playfully, no real effort behind her attempts to deter him.

     when she set her own bowl down, she fell back against the cushions and took his hand in between both of hers. bucky watched her examine his fingers, trace her thumb over his knuckles.

     “it’s rough, i know.”

     she shook her head as she turned his palm to face her, sliding her own onto it slowly and laughing at the way his dwarfed hers. “it’s nice.” as her left rested there, she let her right slide along his wrist, pushing at the sleeve of his sweatshirt to reveal a few inches of corded muscle covered in thick skin and dusted with hair. it made her think of his chest when he’d answered the door, causing her to curl into him and bury her face in his neck.

     “what?” he chuckled, lacing their fingers together.

     “oh, shut up.”

     even without the lilted tease to her voice, he would have known she was only playing with him. knew it was a response to his own taunts, wondered if she would have reacted the same to his opposite palm made of cold steel and sharp plates. if his new one would be the same.

     their hands were lifted into the air as she dug herself out from his neck, both of hers supporting his to her lips where she left a warm kiss to his knuckles before tucking it to her chest. when her head turned up, he craned his neck down.

     “would you wanna... stay? the night, i mean.”

     his initial reaction was to decline. he couldn’t even if he wanted to desperately. but the thought of having to see her eyes fall all over again, after he’d just lifted them so highly, had him swallowing the hesitation.

     “you just want a heat source for the night,” he accused hollowly.

     she simply smiled. “guilty.”

     so he grinned, nodding to the offer and following her lead when she grabbed for him.

     his one knee bent up onto the couch and her entire body turned to him, his hand smoothing up her thigh to curl around to her lower back. it encouraged her to lean in further, the full weight of her legs bearing down on his as her arms wrapped around him again. bucky smirked into the kiss, feeling a wave of a confidence that had been lost to him for so long surge when he pulled a muted whine from her with just a simple tug to her waist. she was a step ahead of him, had his head falling back onto the cushions as she threw a leg over his and all but pinned him to her couch.

     his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, eyes nearly crossed when he opened them a fraction to find her watching him.

     carefully, she hovered over his lap and pushed the hair out of his face. “okay?”

     his nod was shaky, partly from how he tried to chase after her lips and partly from the sensation of her fingertips soothing over his scalp.

     “can i, um... can i...?”

     her own question made her laugh, breathy and dripping in humiliation, as she moved like she was going to lower herself into his lap.

     “y-yeah.”

     the rasp to his voice had all humor draining out of her, stutter in his word causing her to watch him closely as she finally started to sink down onto him. just his thighs, enough space between them for him to push her away should he want to.

     “sweetheart,” he sighed, drawing her attention before he reached up to cup her jaw and pull her into him.

     her face was on fire. she wondered if he could feel it through his palm or the tip of his thumb as it traced along her chin. her own mirrored his, sliding from from his stubble around to his nape as the other fisted into the cushion over his shoulder. when they had become so breathless, she didn’t know, but suddenly they were panting into each other’s mouths, sucking in one another’s breath. it made her thighs clench, forcing her hips closer to his until there was no longer any room for escape. and with the new closeness, his sweats were doing him no good trying to hide.

     slowing their pace, she whispered against his lips, “so that’s why you sit like that.”

     to which bucky laughed breathily, “what?”

     “nothing,” she shook her head, going to plant her lips back on his.

     but then she rocked down onto him and got him to grunt just loud enough to have her stomach flipping. and she hesitated, still petrified to cross a hair too far over the line and send him flying backwards from it. instead of his lips, she landed a kiss onto his cheek, ghosted others down to his jaw before humming against his beard. she could feel the way his breath came shakily under her lips, pulled back an inch to look at him.

     “is this okay?”

     his eyes fluttered under the attention, throat struggling to swallow before he croaked, “yeah.”

     so she tried again, picked up right where she’d left off to trail her lips onto his neck, the beard on it before she hit skin. she didn’t think much of his hand tightening on her waist, took it as praise for her ministrations, used it as motivation to keep going. sliding her fingers up into his hair as she nipped at his skin softly, beaming at the growl that rumbled under her lips. she was ready to soothe her tongue over it when she suddenly became weightless and crashed onto the couch in a single movement.

     bucky watched as her eyes blew wide and a gasp fell from her mouth. “sorry,” he winced, about to pull his arm from underneath her until she grabbed for him.

     “no, no,” she fretted, trying to get his worried eyes to meet hers again. “it’s okay.” she just hadn’t been expecting him to grasp onto her like that, roll them and push her down into the cushions with such ease and force.

     his head shook, gaze still avoiding hers. “i need to be gentle with you, i-i just-”

     “you are,” she assured, taking his head in her hands to force him into looking at her. “you are gentle.”

     with a weak smile, he focused on her thumbs gingerly rubbing across his cheeks, nuzzling into them. she slid one hand around and into his hair again, using her hold to pull him down to her. with the last inch between them, he turned his head, eyes fluttering as he kissed the center of her palm and allowed her to tug him the rest of the way to her lips.

     her knees had remained bent when he moved them, settled around his hips in such a way that had instinct rushing up his spine. from between her and the couch, his hand pawed at her, elbow digging into the cushion to keep him upright. god, she felt good. good against him, good beneath him. good keening into his mouth in desperate relief that he himself felt tingling from head to toe. he couldn’t help the press of his tongue at her lips, sighed with pleasure when she let him in and met him halfway. a hot clash of their muscles, his just barely catching up to how hers moved so slowly and teasingly.

     “oh, my god,” he rasped, “you’re making me crazy.”

     the way his voice shook, lips never parting from hers as he spoke, had her clawing at his back to drag him down onto her. but he fought it, fought her, moved only to devour her mouth and silence the whine of protest that huffed from it. another followed after it, making his blood rush until it had nowhere to go, pumping under his skin and making him throb within the confines of his sweats. it was enough to rip a groan from him, hips jumping on their own, sending him thrusting down into her.

     they both gasped, pulling away in a rush of reality, his head shaking as she struggled to find her voice.

     “sorry,” she worried, “i’m- sorry-”

     “no,” he panted, “no, you- you don’t have to be, that was... i shouldn’t have...” when his words failed, he sighed, letting his head hang over her shoulder.

     she rubbed at his back, letting out a heavy breath of her own. it was clear what had happened. they had begun to overdose on touch after so long without it. jumped straight into the deep end when they knew full well they needed to wade in slowly.

     nudging her head into his, she got him to lift his gaze again, his hair hanging in it until she carefully tucked it away behind his ears. “can we just... cuddle?” she asked, smiling shyly.

     “of course. yes- yeah.”

     she was fortunate to have a couch as deep as she did. one that allowed them to fit together on it, if only just barely. the proximity had a harsh reminder digging into her hip when they settled.

     “you’re...”

     “don’t-” bucky swallowed before he tried to speak again. “don’t worry about it, i’ll manage. it’ll go down.” the way she rolled onto her side to tuck herself against his chest made his breath come strained. “eventually.”

     she tried to force a weak smile through the guilty look on her face.

     it wasn’t her fault. not entirely. he had just spent so long worrying about how he’d react to a touch that wasn’t juvenile and clumsy, a touch that wasn’t cold and sterile, that he’d gotten lost in the excitement of knowing just fine. he’d reacted just fine.

     slowly, as if she was scared to make a move, she slid her hand up his chest, draping it over his shoulder to rest her head on him. his arm wrapped around her to encourage the touch, chest lifting her head as he took in a deep breath and let it out carefully. when she curled into him tighter, he thought she was just getting comfortable, adjusting to their positions. but when he felt a steady warmth seeping through his sweatshirt and landing on his skin, he craned his neck to try and look at her.

     “hey,” he whispered.

     “hm?”

     “look at me for a minute.”

     she didn’t move, not at first, fisted the shoulder of his sweatshirt in frustration before she finally turned her face and let her chin rest on his chest.

     bucky sat up instantly at the sight of her eyes shimmering in the candlelight, pulling her along with him. “hey,” he cooed, watching her shake her head.

     “it’s okay. really.”

     “my girl’s got tears running down her face, that’s not okay.”

     her lip quivered when he wiped at her cheek with his thumb, leaving his palm cupping at her jaw. “i just... i get overwhelmed,” she confessed, hating how her voice began to shake with the rest of her body. “not because of you, it’s me... something inside me, i don’t know, i- it’s a lot.” the nudge to her chin was meant to pacify her, to get her to look at him and calm her nerves. but the sight only had her growing more upset. “there’s- when i was...” sighing with further frustration, her eyes squeezed shut and forced more tears out.

     bucky only wiped at them again and let his knuckles graze over her cheek, down to her neck.

     “it takes time fo- for me to be comfortable... like that.”

     her hiccup had pierced straight through him, prompting him to cup her face again and guide her closer to him. “i got time,” he said once her eyes were on his.

     she stared at him, wanting so badly to give him more of an answer, telling from the look in his gaze that he didn’t need one.

     “i got time,” he stressed, “i can wait.”

     her chest deflated, lips still salty with tears when she pushed in to kiss him. his hand went around to her nape, squeezing as gently as he could in a simple gesture to ease the race of her pulse beneath it. reaching out to wrap her arms around him, she let her chin come to rest on her own bicep atop his shoulder, melting under the feel of him rubbing at her back.

     as her heart steadied, she found a twinge lingering in it.

     “your girl?” she murmured.

     bucky’s hand paused for a beat before he continued to circle it over her back. “if you’d like.”

     “i would,” she nodded, pulling back to look at him again. “very much.”

     he smiled at her, committing the feel of her sweatshirt pooling over her skin under his hand to memory. “it’s getting colder in here,” he breathed, “let’s get my girl to bed.”

     “where it’s warm?”

     “where it’s warm,” he grinned.

     working in tandem, they blew out whatever candles were still burning, left the dirty dishes to sit soaking in the sink overnight. he made sure her sink was dripping just slightly, made a mental note to do the same in her bathroom, preferring not to wake up to a pipe bursting on top of the power being out.

     she didn’t have a spare toothbrush, but she had one left in the pack she had bought, and that was the same thing, right? at least, it was good enough for him to use, standing hip-to-hip with her at her vanity, the same arrangement of bottles that had been there all those months ago. and when she finished drying off her hands, he got to see exactly which one it was that was responsible for the softness of her hands.

     “and if seeing me cry like a loser didn’t turn you on enough,” she started, watching his face scrunch with the urge to scold her for talking down on herself. but she stopped him as she popped her retainer into place and grinned at him. “sexy, right?”

     the slight lisp to her voice with it in had the urge to squeeze her cheeks welling inside him. he shoved it down, squinting his eyes at her with a tick of his head and a smirk instead. wiping at his mouth one last time, to make sure there was no froth stuck in the corners, he fixed her with a look and watched as she went to run away.

     but he was too good at catching his prey, finally got to use his talents for good and bask in radiant laughter when he took hold of her and yanked her in.

     she couldn’t contain her giggles as he kissed her, pushed at his chest to try and escape. it was useless, especially when he gripped her jaw in his hold and kept her face right where he wanted it.

     once she went limp and gave up her struggle, he pulled back just enough for them to look at one another. “now it’s my turn,” he smirked, squeezing his hand to squish at her cheeks until she groaned in protest. “so cute.”

     “leave me alone,” she whined, tugging herself from his hold.

     “no,” he bit through his grin, “never.”

     she hoped there was a promise on the end of his words.

     a pile of cats was waiting for them in her bedroom, the mesh of black and white all curled up in her rocker to brave the chill as it permeated the walls of her house. alpine looked up at them when they stepped in, eyes squinted with sleep.

     they stopped at the window to look out into the night, blanket of snow growing thicker with each hour that passed. bucky had always found it beautiful the way it made the world glow even in the pitch black, moonlight bouncing off of it to illuminate the night in hues of blue and silver. his gaze fell to her, the way her eyes danced across their yards in wonder. he couldn’t help himself, had to lean down to plant his lips on her cheek.

     when he pulled away, she was looking at him with that same sense of wonder, and he questioned what he had ever done to deserve it.

     “how long do you think it’ll last?” she asked as they climbed into her bed, a few stuffed animals having to get shuffled around her room beforehand.

     bucky slumped into her pillows, waiting for her to curl into his side. clearly, she meant the snow. but somehow, in the drowsiness of his mind, he found himself answering a different question altogether.

     “dad?”

     “yeah?”

     bucky stopped where he was shoveling at their driveway, staring into the icy cement as he mulled over what he wanted to say exactly. “how did you know you were in love with mama?”

     his father mirrored him, straightening his back with a groan and leaning on his shovel for support. “you and that dolores getting serious?” he grinned.

     “no...”

     despite the way bucky turned away, his father could still see his cheeks flush from more than the cold. “well, we started off as good friends, but i think we both knew we liked one another.” going back to shoveling, james continued, “one day, i had the thought to kiss her, and i did.”

     bucky rolled his eyes at the answer. “yeah, but how did you know it was love?”

     “there ain’t really one moment that happens, kiddo,” his father chuckled. “it’s a whole bunch of things. it’s when you like even the smallest, strangest thing about someone.”

     “such as?”

     again, james took a break from clearing the driveway to face his son. “sometimes when your mother ties her hair up in the summer, she gets these little, wispy pieces that fall out at the back of her head, right by her neck... that’s the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen, i swear. or when she wears those socks that are always fallin’ down into her shoes, and spends the whole day complaining instead of just changin’ them out... that makes me wanna kiss her to no end.”

     “gross,” bucky whined, kicking at a clump of snow.

     james laughed, wagging his finger at his son. “you’re not in love yet, then. you’ll get it one day.”

     bucky simply sighed in frustration, following after his father to continue shoveling.

     as he cleared another strip of snow from the driveway, a thought popped into james’s head. one that made his shovel come to a stop. “you know, jimmy,” he started, clearing his throat. “if you’re... serious about that girl, you should... be careful.”

     furrowing his brows, bucky stressed, “i’m treating her right.”

     “no, i know you are. i’m talking about... being safe. you know... protection.”

     “jesus, dad!” bucky shrieked, “i-i know!”

     “well, i’m just makin’ sure.” he let a beat pass between them before he spoke up again. “you don’t need me to buy you any, do-”

     “no,” bucky bit, “stop talking about it.”

     “alright,” james nodded.

~

     it was getting late, the agreed upon time creeping up on him after becca had rushed him out for the night. only after he’d mentioned he was supposed to be spending the evening with a certain neighbor of his. he could tell by the look in his sister’s eyes that she was expecting something to come of his otherwise routine visit across the yard.

     scratching at his chin, he decided to pick up the phone.

     “if it ain’t father time himself!” sam cheered.

     bucky shook his head. “you know i’m actually probably younger than you after all the ice, right?”

     “psh. you wish.”

     he could hear the commotion in the background, not enough to be a party, but enough to be company. “where the hell are you?”

     “some guys and i rented a little spot away from the city for the weekend. keep clear of the fireworks and all that shit.”

     right. fireworks. an integral part of the holiday. one which bucky was hoping would be at a minimum for the first time in his life.

     “your best friend is here,” sam said, “he’s already-”

     “buckyyyy!”

     even through the phone, bucky could tell walker was putting on his usual drunk act despite how alcohol had as much of an effect on him as it did bucky. “jesus christ.”

     “i miss you, man!”

     “okay, john. time to give sam the phone back.”

     “don’t you miss me?”

     dropping his hand to his thigh to roll his eyes up at the heavens, bucky hesitated to even bring the phone back to his ear. “sure,” he lied.

     “aw...”

     there was shuffling before sam finally came back. “i’m hoping he passes out soon.”

     “hey, i heard that!”

     “i know,” sam stated, “that’s why i said it.”

     bucky laughed at his friend... friends... reluctant friends, plural. “i’d like to know what exactly he’s accomplishing pretending to be plastered.”

     “pissing you and me the hell off.”

     he couldn’t really argue with that.

     “what are you doing tonight, big man?”

     at the question, bucky perked up slightly. “about to jump in the shower... i’m going over by her tonight.”

     “ooh,” sam howled, “tonight’s the night!”

     “i-i don’t think so...”

     “did you shave?”

     brows furrowing, bucky scratched at his chin again with his pinkie. “no? i’ve been keeping it shorter, but i don’t wanna-”

     “no, no, not your beard, man! your goods, buck! did you shave your goods?”

     “wha- what... why the hell would i-”

     like it was the dumbest question he’d ever heard, sam huffed, “the ladies like everything smooth now.”

     “i’m not-”

     “he’s right,” john butted in again, “not olivia, but she says all her friends do.”

     “see?” sam asked.

     bucky scoffed. “you’re gonna listen to that idiot?”

     “i’m just saying...”

     “i’m not shaving my- no. you know what? i’m going. goodbye.”

     “go get ’er, stud!”

     the click of the handset connecting back onto the cradle echoed in his home for a second, ringing in his ears longer. he shook his head, laughed, shook his head again as he finally stepped into his bathroom.

     as he waited for the water to heat up through the frigid pipes, he stared at himself in the mirror. his gaze fell, roaming over his chest and the thick hairs that coated it, all the way down to the edge of his stomach where... no. he shook his head once again and swore he was going to kill sam and john for putting the thought in his head.

     but his face, though... maybe it’d be nice to feel the air on his cheeks again.

     “you’re bald!” his neighbor squealed when she opened her door for him.

     it made bucky chuckle and rub at his freshly smooth jaw. “just the beard... don’t like it?”

     stepping aside, she shut the door behind him and hummed, “you’re as handsome as every time i’ve seen you.”

     bucky recognized his own words, ducked his head to avoid her smug grin as he unzipped his jacket for alpine to jump out of. “yeah, yeah...”

     “stop being shy,” she teased, dropping her voice to try and match his. he grew more flustered with each word, no longer able to hide half of it behind his beard. she took pity on him. hardly. “it looks good. you’ve got a great jawline.”

     “tha- mm-hm... thanks.”

     “that’s the cutest thing in the entire world, by the way.” at his confused look, she motioned to his jacket where alpine had hitched a ride over. “i can’t get over it.”

     bucky chuckled, thankful to have the attention off himself for a moment. “she likes going for rides on the bike like that.”

     “cute,” she cooed, “she must get it from you.”

     “are you gonna torture me straight into the new year?”

     pretending to contemplate her options, she hummed and smirked at him. “it’s tempting.”

     again, he tried to hide his flush, using the need to slip his jacket entirely off as cover. as she giggled at him, too pleased with herself, he couldn’t help but notice how she was already showered for the night. bare-faced and settled into her pajamas, comfortable and no longer shy. that was his thing, now, apparently. the sleeves of her shirt were too long, whether by design or pure luck on his part, pulled over her hands as they pointed out all the snacks she’d set up for the evening. but bucky was locked in on her shirt and the way it clung to her like a second skin. the tightness of it tempting his palm to spread across it.

     “help yourself,” she beamed.

     she would come to regret her words if he were to truly follow them.

     instead, he made his way to the fridge as she sat herself on the couch. before he could pry into it for a drink, he noticed the new addition to the freezer door. a picture of him, asleep on his sister’s couch with his niece equally unconscious on his chest. he’d made it to her freezer. alongside polaroids of her cats and a glossy image of her and who he assumed to be her friend.

     “i don’t even know who’s supposed to be performing,” she grumbled around a mouthful of popcorn, turning the volume up as new year’s rockin’ eve finally started.

     bucky sank down next to her, shrugging like she’d been asking him. “i can’t believe this is still on.”

     “you haven’t watched? like, since you... got out?”

     taking a sip of his beer, he shook his head. “not really big on new year’s.”

     almost on cue, someone in the park decided to celebrate early, setting off a firework and making him jump. her hand went to his back, rubbing across his shoulders soothingly but losing to another round of explosions, quick and repetitive. bucky hadn’t noticed his grip on the bottle tightening until she was carefully pulling it from his hand and setting it on the coffee table.

     “sorry,” he croaked, damp palm fisting into his hair.

     with a shake of her head, she cupped her hand over his, easing it from his hair and guiding his gaze to her. his eyes were wild and frantic, showing what he was clearly trying so hard to hide. the way he flinched when another pop sounded made her chest ache.

     sitting forward, she tentatively reached both hands up, watching his face for any hesitation before she placed them over his ears.

     if only just from her touch, bucky sighed shakily, letting his eyes fall shut under her protection. he could still hear, felt his muscle twitch at every bang and whistle of rockets shooting through the air. but he breathed, counted slowly in his head, allowed his hand to wrap around her wrist.

     she watched as his lips formed each number silently, thumb stroking over his smooth cheek.

     blowing out a breath, bucky opened his eyes slowly, staring at her where she smiled softly at him. in her living room. in her trailer. in the park. in the safety of his hometown.

     his hand slid up her forearm, starting as just a signal that he was alright, but quickly turning selfish when he let his touch linger despite her hands falling away.

     “thank you,” he whispered, testing the feel of her bicep in his hold through her shirt.

     “wanna try wearing my headphones?” she asked, pretending not to notice the way he squeezed at her arm. “they muffle things a little.”

     “no, no, i’ll be alright. just...” hold me. stay with me. “i’ll be alright.”

     she nodded, only stopped from bursting through her front door and ripping everyone in the neighborhood a new one by his hold on her.

     “you just reminded me,” he started, having to clear his throat from the way his voice trembled. “were you serious about making me a-a mixtape?”

     watching him a moment, she brought her hand to rest over his again. “if you want.”

     “yeah, i’d... i’d like that.”

     “okay.”

     a lull came over them, permeating throughout the town it seemed as the fireworks ceased. if only for a little while, until the adults of the area could finally celebrate by themselves. bucky’s hand had fallen away from her arm, leaving her despondent for a time until he slid himself closer. they could whisper to one another once she lowered the television, main festivities still a little ways away. his heart was racing. from residual anxiety, from a new kind under her gaze.

     it had fallen to his lips as they spoke, seemingly eager to observe them without the obstruction of his beard. he didn’t say anything, didn’t comment on how obvious she was being. maybe in her mind she was being slick about it. maybe if they hadn’t been so close, she would have been.

     at some point, closer to midnight, he’d noticed her beginning to fidget with her ear, just like she had the night she fell asleep on his couch. a motion he had come to find was self-soothing, a lullaby before she succumbed to sleep. so to wake her back up, he tested the waters, licking across his bottom lip to see the way her eyes tracked it before meeting his. when he dipped one eye into a wink, she cracked, covering her face and groaning in annoyance.

     bucky laughed, breathy and quiet, kept his voice equally so. “you’re tired.”

     “no, i’m fine,” she whined, sinking further into the cushions.

     he could see it in her eyes no matter what she said or how much he teased. she was losing steam fast. “get some sleep, sweetheart.”

     with an almost petulant shake of her head, she dug her fists into the cushions under her. “we’re this close,” she huffed, pinching her fingers together. “i’m not giving up.”

     “alright.”

     but it wan’t long, not at all, when he saw her eyelids drooping lower and lower, held in his laugh the few times her head bobbed before she jerked upright again. and eventually, she had to have admitted defeat in her mind, even if she wouldn’t speak it aloud, as she curled herself onto her side and placed her feet in his lap. and then she was gone, off in that place between sleep and awake where he selfishly wished for her to find him most nights.

     bucky was careful, had a long history of stealth working on his side as he peeled himself up and reached for the remote to lower the volume. he set it back on her coffee table, sighing when it went down without a sound amidst the spread of snacks they’d pecked at for hours.

     for once, he was thankful that sleep didn’t call for him. that he could sit there and watch the peaceful look that overcame his neighbor’s face. trace down over her shoulder and waist, the curl of her hip. she had the ankles of her sweatpants tucked into her socks. the ones she’d worn that night at his house. he was selfish, so, so incredibly selfish to trace his thumb over the top of them just so he could feel her warmth seeping through the cotton. when he could finally pull his eyes away, he found her face again, relieved to see it still lax with sleep.

     fifteen, fourteen, thirteen...

     his palm slid around her calf, rough skin catching on the worn fabric of her sweats.

     ten, nine, eight...

     if he could just let go, let the last chains of guilt and insecurity and fear fall off from his limbs, he could have her.

     five, four, three, two, one...

     cheers erupted through the television, quiet especially under the roar of fireworks outside. they were further away than before, didn’t quite have his hair standing up as much. when he glanced at the tv, the host was kissing his wife, crowds of people hugging and embracing one another. and he was left to stare at his neighbor’s lips until the shape of them was burned into his eyes each time he blinked.

     sitting forward, he grabbed the remote to shut the television off, letting it hang in his hold a moment longer as he stared at her again.

     she didn’t stir as he slipped from under her legs and padded into her bedroom. all the cats had congregated there, hers on the bed and alpine in the rocker. her boy jumped down to escape when bucky moved to pull back her covers.

     he knelt before her, admiring her for maybe the last time before moving to get a hold on her. but when she stirred, he pulled back, swallowing thickly and smiling at the sleepy furrow to her brows.

     “hey,” he whispered.

     the couch creaked under her as she propped herself up on one hand. “what time’s it?”

     bucky tried not to look too sheepish. “i don’t know exactly.”

     the realization dawned on her slowly, her gaze drifting over his shoulder to the blank television screen. “i missed it.”

     he shook his head as he smiled, placing his hand on her knee. “it’ll come again.”

     her disappointment was evident, slumping her shoulders and pulling a slight grimace over her features. they quickly shifted to confusion. “were you about to try and carry me to bed?”

     “no,” he chuckled, “i was going to carry you to bed.”

     “awfully sure of yourself,” she hummed, tapping his hand to signal for them to stand up. “i’ll save you the trouble.”

     it wouldn’t be trouble. not in the slightest.

     she tried to dismiss him when he offered to help clear away their snacks, unaware of his ulterior motive to linger in her home just a few moments longer. maybe it would help him build up the courage he wished so desperately to find.

     at her door, he shucked on his jacket, throwing a whistle down the hall for alpine. and stared down at his neighbor as she stared up at him.

     “night, sweetheart,” he breathed.

     “goodnight, bucky. happy new year.”

     part of her knew there was no use in hoping, tried to convince herself that she was just standing firm to wait for the moment she could lock up behind him and head to bed with a whisper of disappointment at her neck.

     but then bucky took a step forward and caught her off guard, left her frozen in the breath of time between when he wrapped his arm around her and she let her own arms snake around his neck.

     there was a buzz of adrenaline under her skin, the same tickling beneath his as they got swept away in the sudden rush of unexplored intimacy. her chin was perched on his shoulder, eyes rushing around the wall surrounding her front door and heart beginning to race within her chest. with everything in her, she hoped he couldn’t feel it against his, had to hold in her gasp when he pulled her in closer and nearly lifted her off her feet.

     bucky’s palm spread across her back, savoring the warmth of her sleep-baked skin through her shirt, fingers curling slightly when she ducked her face into his neck. they must have been bruising when he realized she’d taken in a deep inhale once it came out long and hot on his skin.

     finally, after all those months, she got to really indulge in the aftershave he always left in his wake, the bite of musk beneath it that clung to his jacket from all the hours it spent on him between washes. if her eyes fluttered shut, it was a small miracle, acceptable compared to the whimper she had to fight from escaping her lips.

     his thumb began to rub over her back, face turning further into her. fruit. apple or something tangier, maybe a hint of citrus. that’s what always lingered in his senses, teasing him as it never grew strong enough for him to identify. growing sweeter the closer he got to her neck, an involuntary hum rumbling in his chest.

     she jumped at the chance, squeezing him gently enough not to startle him back from the line they were toeing. because that was it. they had finally made the foolish mistake of blessing one another with a touch more than warm palms or brushing elbows. because now they both knew how good it felt to be in each other’s arms, and they couldn’t go back. her fingers would have been shaking were they not gripping onto the fabric of his jacket once his hand slid up her spine and settled at her nape. then it came. a tiny gasp, so airy and light she almost didn’t catch it herself.

     but he must have. pulling back slowly, shattering their bubble and leaving her to desperately take in another lungful of his scent just in case she never got to experience it that strongly again.

     bucky didn’t go far, not at first. he couldn’t bring himself to cut the string just yet, and left them suspended in the transition between hug and departure. still holding each other, still so close as they stared at one another. something within his muscles activated on its own, causing his head to duck in toward hers just as she craned hers up toward his.

     and then something brushed at his leg, a trill of disturbed sleep sounding over an otherwise quiet in the air.

     they pulled apart with a tremble to their lips, bucky’s pinching as he gulped and crouched down for alpine to jump into his jacket. his neighbor had clearly tried to hide the way her face fell from him, only the last second of her frown giving her away when he stood back up.

     “happy new year,” he finally rasped.

     she smiled at him. even if he wished for her to shake him and rattle the sense into him. always just smiled at him.

     he felt her eyes on him as he shuffled through their yards, watching to make sure he made it safely across the single lot of space between them. bucky kept strong, didn’t let her see the way his vision began to flash with each pop that lit up the sky above them, gave her a wave and a weak smile once he was inside. it dropped instantly as soon as she shut her door, bucky collapsing onto the floor and squeezing his eyes shut.

     the weight of his empty house crashed onto him, frustration mounting when his left hand was nowhere to be found to come up and cup over his ear alongside his right. a particularly bright flash behind his eyelids sent him careening backward, smashing into the side of his washing machine as his chest heaved. even with his eyes open, the lights outside burst through his windows and illuminated the bodies in front of him, them and the pools of blood surrounding them fading in and out.

     he began to scramble, crawling away like a wounded animal into the cave of his bedroom in hopes of licking at its wounds. they were rotten, making him sick the longer they festered, the longer he was trapped listening to the seemingly never-ending eruptions outside his home with nothing... no one to ground him.

     his sheets popped free from where they were tucked under his mattress as he pulled on them to drag his way up. under the safety of them, he could finally find the strength to quietly count to himself and fist at his pillow until it was the perfect shape to fold over his head.

     one, two, three, four, five...

     his knees curled toward his chest, shaking as he jerked from the bang of another firework.

     eight, nine, ten...

     that’s all they were. fireworks. and he was in his bedroom. there was no one around, no bodies lying across his kitchen floor. he wasn’t there anymore.

     thirteen, fourteen, fifteen...

     he was home. he’d escaped. he never had to go back to that place, that... thing that he was for all those years. at least not when he was awake.

     there was no escaping the hauntings of his mind as it was supposed to be resting. when he had finally managed to fall into nothingness after a night of panting and choking on sobs of desperate frustration.

     there was no escaping the foggy visions of her clawing at his hand, cold and glinting silver, wrapped around her throat hard enough for him to feel the snap of tissue and veins. harder and harder until there was a final, sickening crack and her eyes went flat, sending him jolting back and frantically clawing at his carpet to get his bearings.

     “should i be expecting company again for christmas?”

     from where he was shoveling meatloaf into his face, bucky looked over at his sister, refusing to swallow before he responded just to get her to roll her eyes. “i don’t know, should you?”

     becca shrugged, focusing back on where she was helping winnie with her spoon of mashed potatoes. “i didn’t ask her. figured i’d spare myself from getting raked over the coals.”

     “oh, yeah, i was just so hard on you for thanksgiving.”

     “you were,” she pouted, “such a brute to your poor little sister.”

     “i’ll go easier next time.”

     “no,” becca chimed, “you’ll ask her over yourself.”

     “bec...”

     “oh, would you give it a rest? i know you like her. and for whatever reason, she seems pretty smitten with you, too, so cut the shit.”

     as if it were so easy. his sister didn’t know of the awkwardness between him and his neighbor when they’d gone shopping the following week, the remaining pangs of guilt stabbing away at him from what he had done the night before. he felt like it had rubbed off on her, like she could sense his depravity and had started manifesting symptoms of her own remorse as she avoided his gaze as hard as he avoided hers. he had just hoped to god she didn’t know what he’d done.

     “i’ll think about it.”

     becca scoffed at him. “either you invite her or i will. and i’ll make it extra embarrassing this time.”

     bucky rolled his eyes and circled his finger around his plate, scooping up the last crumbs of his dinner to suck into his mouth. he grabbed his sister’s plate and set it on his own, making his way into the kitchen to dump them in the sink and dig out another beer. a letter on the counter caught his eye, seemingly harmless to anyone else’s eyes, but bucky was quick to spot the return address. he felt his stomach curl into a knot, a flash of hot rage rushing through his veins as he let the refrigerator door shut.

     “and don’t wait until last minute to ask her,” becca called, unaware of her brother’s mounting anger. “it would be nice having a full house again.”

     “yeah,” he bit, “i’m sure it would.”

~

     from the few extra things in his neighbor’s cart, bucky assumed she had a night of baking ahead of her. though, he wasn’t really paying as much attention as he usually would, going about trying to find a decent plum in december almost robotically. she must have sensed his distress, waiting until they pulled up outside their homes to speak up and ask what was bothering him.

     “it’s... stupid.”

     she laughed at him, softly so he knew she wasn’t really making fun. “well, you seem awfully grumpy about it whatever it is.” to make her point, she mimicked his expression, furrowing her brows and scrunching her nose like his were.

     bucky relaxed his face, letting out a sigh. “my sister had a letter on her counter last night. from her piece of shit husband.”

     “oh.”

     she had been curious about becca’s husband since bucky mentioned a wedding to her, but never felt like it was her place to ask. she still didn’t feel like it was her place, but the slump of bucky’s shoulders kept her in place, listening to him recount how she came to even have him as a neighbor in the first place. because his sister had needed him after she woke up one morning in an empty bed with nothing but a note on her nightstand and a newborn baby in the other room.

     “jesus...”

     “i didn’t like the prick anyway when i met him, but... what do you say? she’s my sister that i hardly even knew anymore, i couldn’t butt into her life like i maybe would have when we were young.”

     his neighbor nodded. “so you think she’s talking to him again?”

     “i don’t know... i didn’t see the exact date on the envelope, but why else would she have it sitting out like that?”

     it was quiet a moment as they sat there together in her car, neither really knowing what more to say. bucky blew out another sigh of frustration, letting his head fall back against the seat as he raked his hand over his face.

     “she’s... a grown woman. i know you want to protect her, but... she has to figure it out on her own.”

     “i know that,” bucky breathed, still trapped within the confines of anxiety sizzling at the edges of his skin.

     reaching out to tuck his hair back behind his ear, she offered, “it’ll be okay.”

     he leaned into the touch, savoring the way it eased some of the tightness in his bones. “i know.”

     slowly, she watched as he rolled his head in her direction. her thumb smoothed over his cheek, right at the edge of his beard, eyes following it until they landed on his.

     “thank you.”

     she smiled gently at him. “for what?”

     bucky stared at her, stuck on an answer he didn’t want to speak out loud just yet. but, like she always did, she let him keep it to himself, offered up a quiet giggle before suggesting they make their way inside.

     where he sat most of the night with his hand reached across his chest, knuckles rubbing over the spot on his cheek she had touched and hoping it would somehow feel the same. the local news had just come on when he finally remembered he was supposed to ask her something.

     the phone rang for longer than usual, bucky’s teeth gnawing away at his lip.

     “yes?” his neighbor finally chirped.

     “hey,” he said, circling his thumb over the handset. “what are you up to?”

     “making cookies. trying to keep this creature from getting into the butter.”

     bucky chuckled and took a seat at his table, looking over to the tree and bear atop it. “which creature would that be?”

     “the boy. it’s always the boy.”

     “men,” he sneered playfully.

     “ugh, tell me about it.”

     he could hear her smile, wished he could see it. wondered if she had flour smeared on her cheek or if she was wearing a little apron. “listen, uh... do you have any plans? for christmas, i mean. i meant to ask you before.”

     “no, not really. was just gonna do my thing here. watch charlie brown christmas on repeat, probably.”

     “right,” he snorted.

     she laughed back at him, dishes clattering softly in the background. “why?” she drawled, a lilting tease to her voice like she knew he wanted to ask something else.

     “becca was pestering me about inviting you over hers,” he confessed, “we do the same sorta thing. presents and movies and dinner, you know? but if you don’t wanna, that’s fine, i’ll reel her in.”

     she giggled at him. “tell her i said thanks and that’s very nice, but i think i will just stay here for the day.”

     “yeah,” he sighed, “yeah, alright. uh, night.”

     “bucky,” she laughed.

     “yeah?”

     “wanna come to the school on wednesday? the kids are having a little concert, and i thought... well, it might be fun.”

     he felt his beard scratch over the phone with how wide his grin grew. “yeah, sure. i’d love that.”

~

     the parking lot of the school was packed when he pulled up wednesday morning, luckily, she’d told him to just park behind her car because there was plenty of room for his bike in the remainder of her space. he followed the few people, presumably parents, filtering into the gymnasium that was doubling as an auditorium for the day. much fancier than the one at the elementary school he’d attended.

     he walked in lost, scanning the whole area for a familiar form until he finally saw her talking with someone. she beamed at him when she noticed him, quick to end her conversation and make her way over to him. bucky could feel the eyes on him, chose to focus only on hers as she stepped up to him. the way they seemed shy to stay on his, fluttering around the room and back like she had a secret just the same as his. like they both still hadn’t gotten over the unknown boundary they had crossed a week prior.

     “hi,” she smiled.

     “hey.” swallowing the lump in his throat, he looked down to her clothes, feeling his smile grow wider. “that’s a great sweater you got there.”

     she followed his gaze down to it, smoothing her hands over the teddy bears and christmas presents stitched into it. “thanks,” she laughed as she looked back to him.

     bucky could see the way her expression turned startled as he reached out to flip the bell hanging from a string around her neck, felt his stomach flip at the way she stared down at his hand before looking back up at him under her lashes when he pulled away.

     “hello.”

     at the voice, bucky broke their gazes and found the woman beside them. “hello.” he chanced another glance to his neighbor, finding her still locked onto him through hooded lids. “bucky,” he offered when she didn’t, reaching out to shake the hand of the unfamiliar woman.

     “oh, so you’re the famous bucky.”

     “i’m famous, am i?” he smirked, making sure it was directed right at his neighbor just to see her squirm.

     “in the library, you sure are.”

     finally snapping out of the spell he’d put her under, she joined into the conversation after a subtle sigh of frustration. “you’re just my only friend here, that’s all. don’t get a big head.” if he was going to play with his food today, maybe his food should play back. “this is judy. we work together.”

     so was this the woman that had tried to set his neighbor up with her son, then?

     judy laughed, “i wish i liked my neighbor half as much as she does you.”

     bucky chuckled at them, feeling that same sense of possessiveness creeping up his spine. “i’m pretty fond of her myself.”

     so no more blind dates, he wanted to add.

     she smiled softly at him, almost as if she were trying to ease his worry and assure him he had her all to himself. no matter what their relationship was, no matter how many times he pulled away from the edge. she’d be there.

     more and more people began to take their seats, bucky thankful she’d chosen two in the back corner for them. a stageful of kids began to fumble through silent night as soon as the lights dimmed.

     bucky bit his smile, noticed a few parents doing the same as they held up camcorders and zoomed in on their child. one in particular jogged his memory, prompting him to lean over to his neighbor.

     “that’s the girl from halloween,” he whispered, pointing carefully to the little girl just off from the center.

     looking to where he was motioning, she nodded. “yeah, maya,” she said softly. “the boy goes to another school.”

     “probably the old one i went to.” when she turned to him, he looked to see her pouting dramatically at him, already knowing exactly what she was thinking. “i know,” he laughed, “baby bucky. so cute.”

     “in your little school clothes,” she whined, scrunching her face further.

     he shook his head at her, hoping she would turn away from him fast enough not to catch the smile creeping onto his face. she didn’t. not right away. let her gaze linger on him just a moment longer until he nudged her and pointed to the stage.

     slumping back further against her seat, she let her foot begin to sway to the music, bumping against bucky’s shin from where her leg was crossed over the other.

     bucky looked at her, watching her lips as she smiled a little too mischievously to simply be enjoying the performance. so he leaned in closer until their arms brushed and her smile grew even bigger, stunted by her biting into her lip to quell it. but she leaned into him, too. and bucky leaned closer. and they suddenly found themselves in a lazy sort of wrestling match, wiggling in their seats to shoulder the other and earn some kind of reaction.

     but the first to break was the woman on the other side of his neighbor when she very obviously scooted her chair away and made the two of them break into snickers.

     “you’re a menace,” his neighbor hissed, beaming at him all the while.

     bucky stared at her a moment, just smiling back and admiring the way the string lights hit her eyes until she turned back to the stage. he leaned in just slightly, not nudging her anymore but letting their arms rest together comfortably as he ducked in. testing his voice with a sigh, to make sure it came in the softest whisper he could manage, he finally breathed, “you’re breathtaking.”

     just as his lips had formed the first syllable, applause erupted around the gym, drowning his voice under it.

     she turned to him as the staff and parents all cheered, beginning to clap her own hands softly. “what?”

     bucky’s eyes fell to her lips, the slight gap between them where she left them just barely parted. he just grinned at her, blinking to try and cover the dart of his gaze back to hers as he shook his head again. “i’ll tell you later.”

~

     a knock on her door christmas eve had her smiling to herself, minimal possibilities leaving her positive of who would be on the other side of it. and when she opened it, and found bucky standing there with a sheepish look on his face, she almost had to grip onto the frame not to fall.

     “i was just about to come bring you some of these cookies,” she chirped.

     “oh. thank you.” bucky shuffled a little, scratching at the back of his neck before he let out a deep exhale. “so... you have a flat tire. i had it towed to the shop.”

     “what the hell?!” pushing on his chest, she stepped forward to poke her head out and see that her car was, in fact, gone. “i heard something getting towed, i thought it was the guy across the street. how did it go flat? it was just sitting there!”

     “yeah, well... sometimes the cold can, y’know...”

     “what, explode my tires?”

     bucky huffed a laugh. “it didn’t explode... don’t worry about it, i gotta go and handle something anyway, so i’ll throw a new one on and bring it back tomorrow before i head to my sister’s.”

     “are you sure?”

     “yes.”

     pursing her lips, she looked him over and sighed. “alright. but you’re getting extra cookies for this.”

     “i really don’t need them.”

     when he rubbed at his stomach, she fixed him with a stern look. “stop that.”

     bucky smiled shyly at her serious tone, let out the breath he had been holding when she stepped away to put more cookies in a container for him. on top of it sat her car keys, another thanks on her lips when she handed it to him. he stuffed them into his saddlebag before heading over to the shop.

     “i need a break from all this christmas racket,” tom huffed, stepping away to flip through the radio stations until something other than holiday music came through the speakers.

     bucky smiled when he heard what it was. the beach boys, wouldn’t it be nice.

     “you know edie and i danced to this at our wedding?”

     “did you now?” he asked, securing the last nut in her back driver’s tire.

     “yep.”

     “you two got hitched pretty late then, huh?”

     “jackass,” tom bit, shoving him when bucky stepped over to start on the front. “we woulda been around your age, so i wouldn’t get so smart.”

     “yeah, yeah.”

     staring at his employee, tom fiddled with his mustache as he waited for bucky to unscrew all the nuts on the old tire. “well, speaking of,” he started, earning a quick glance. “this gettin’ serious?”

     “is what getting serious?”

     he scoffed, “don’t play games with me, boy. not when you dragged me out here on christmas eve.”

     bucky chuckled, straining as the last nut popped off. he worked with tom to get the tire off and put the new one on. “i don’t know... it feels like it. maybe.”

     “that’s good,” tom grunted, stepping back once the new tire was on snug enough. “i know your ma would be happy.”

     “yeah,” bucky smiled, “she’d like her.”

     “that grin on your face is all that’d matter to winnifred.”

~

     bucky had let his sister convince him to stay over hers for the night so he could be there first thing in the morning. he woke softly to her bustling around the kitchen and the tree lit up on the other side of the living room where he slept, alpine sitting on the coffee table staring at him in anticipation of her breakfast.

     “alright, gimme a minute.”

     it was a peaceful night, he assumed. no waking to his own screams or pounding of his heart as he soaked the couch in his sweat. a christmas miracle, he thought. although, the longer he laid there thinking about it, the more he began to notice how his nightmares had thinned over the months. they still came, and they were still horrid, but they were no longer a nightly occurrence.

     when did that happen?

     as was expected, winnie was spoiled beyond bucky’s comprehension. toys and clothes that would be rendered useless within the year. hell, within the month. and he was always thankful to get more underwear and candy.

     becca gushed over her giftcard, gushed harder at the prospect of going to the nail salon with a certain new figure in their lives. and when there were two final presents under the tree that bucky couldn’t account for, he quirked a brow at them as his sister picked them up. immediately, he felt his nerves prick and his hair stand on end.

     “who are those from?”

     if her smirk wasn’t enough of an answer, the contents of the boxes were.

     a thick, cream-colored scarf for becca and a matching sweater for winnie. handmade.

     he smiled at them, sighing in relief, watching as his sister slipped the sweater onto her daughter and cooed over how sweet she looked in it.

     dinner was nostalgic and filled more than his stomach, left a heat in his cheeks as he rode home in the biting wind. it was howling and whipping around him, alpine buried in the bottom of his backpack to shield herself from it. all that was missing was a dusting of snow on the ground.

     he was spread out on his couch for the night, nursing another beer and fighting the weight of his eyelids, when he heard a knock at his door.

     “flat tire, huh?” his neighbor poked, squinting at him. he only shrugged as he stepped aside to let her in from the wind. “you’re a sneaky little devil, you know?”

     “i know,” he smirked, “but so are you. she loved them.”

     “i know,” she parroted, “she texted me.”

     bucky had noticed the bag she was holding behind her back. he also noticed the way her eyes were puffier than usual, the way she looked weary from the day.

     trying to school her features, she smiled at him. “the cd and the card were so cute. thank you, really. i... it means a lot that you... thought to get me something like that.” something like her. her interests. placed into a sweet little bag and left on her car seat under a fluff of tissue paper.

     “of course.”

     “the tires, though... bucky, that’s way too much.”

     he shrugged as he grinned at her. “gives me some peace of mind. hasn’t hit yet, but we get some brutal snow and ice.”

     she huffed softly, the two of them smiling at one another for a long moment before she came back to earth and pulled the bag from behind her back. “well, it’s not snow tires, but i got you a little something, too.”

     “you mean on top of just coming over to see me?”

     she tried to turn away fast enough for him to miss her bitten smile, but he saw it as he made his way back to the couch and plopped down.

     “bag looks pretty big,” he noted.

     “it’s not all for you,” she hummed, “beauty before age.”

     from within the bag, she pulled out a packet of catnip, alpine already circling her feet and crying desperately.

     “christ, that’s the last thing she needs.”

     “for recreational use with dad’s supervision, of course.”

     but despite her words, she sprinkled some on the carpet for alpine to roll in before tossing the few felt mice she’d gotten on the floor, too.

     “she’s too spoiled.”

     finally joining him on the couch, she laughed, “and whose fault is that?”

     “mine,” he sighed. “i’m well aware.”

     “i got everything on sale when i was buying stuff for mine.”

     bucky grabbed onto her knee, giving it a firm squeeze to draw her gaze. “thank you.”

     her smile went from soft to nervous as she pushed the gift bag closer to him. “alright, now it’s dad’s turn.”

     reaching into the bag, bucky felt the familiar slick of wrapping paper. he made her laugh when he shook his head at her for wrapping it and sticking it in a bag. the box thudded slightly when he placed it on his coffee table, paper crinkling as he began peeling it away.

     his eyes shot to her in shock, finding her grinning from ear to ear. “and my gift was too much?”

     “four new tires?” she squealed, “yes! way too much.”

     bucky looked back to his gift, running his fingers over the smooth cellophane encasing the boxset of mash. smiling, he breathed out, “how am i gonna watch them?” instead of answering him, she simply nudged the bag. “sweetheart, you-”

     “just take it, will you?” she whined, pushing against his shoulder playfully. “and if it makes you feel better, i’ll probably be asking to borrow them all the time.”

     a thought crossed his mind as he stared at the cover more, one that was almost too easy to suggest.

     “maybe we could... watch it together.”

     she was already looking at him when he turned back to her, nodding in agreement to the proposition he laid out.

     “that would be nice,” she whispered.

     it was a simple thing, but it was so overwhelmingly attractive the way he allowed her to guide him through setting up his new dvd player. the way he fed into her taunts and teases and pinched at her thigh through her pajamas to get revenge. the way he lifted his fist in victory when everything worked perfectly. he would shake his head at her, but all she could think to herself was, so cute!

     halfway into the intro, bucky caved and sunk back into his couch, turning his head toward her. “what did you end up doing today?” he wanted her to slip out of her shoes and pull her legs up onto the cushions. to stay for more than just the first few minutes of a single episode.

     “not much,” she shrugged, “made monkey bread, gave the devil children their gifts, watched some movies, listened to a little nsync. their home for christmas album, obviously.” with one look, she could tell just by his face that he didn’t have a clue what she was talking about. “they’re a boy band, grandpa. i’m gonna have to make you a mixtape to bring you into the twenty-first century. or at least the late twentieth century.”

     bucky grinned at the thought. “i’d love that. earn me some points with sam and his nephews.”

     “i’d be honored to help you impress the youths.”

     laughing, he couldn’t help but once again catch sight of the way her eyelids were swollen. “that all that happened today?”

     she looked away from the tv to find his gaze. “that obvious, huh?”

     bucky shrugged in confession.

     sighing, she toed off her shoes and tucked herself up against his couch, shifting closer to lay her knees across his lap like she always did. “i called my mom. it was... fine. just a lot of guilt-tripping and whatever. she had some gifts she wanted to send me, and i had her send it to my friend that then sent it to me, and they were... she just has no idea who i am, you know? i don’t know. holidays have always been rough.”

     bucky had let his hand fall onto the back of the couch behind her, found his fingers slipping into the collar of her sweatshirt to rub along her neck as she spoke. he wasn’t sure if she was aware, but he had most definitely taken notice of the way she leaned in closer, nudged softly by his touch.

     letting her head fall onto his bicep, she gazed up at him. “they were better this year.”

     he smiled at her, swallowing hard to ease the lump in his throat at their proximity. “well, merry christmas, sweetheart.”

     “merry christmas, bucky.”

     she was worried for a moment that he would look away again, fall shy under the implication of their closeness. and when he didn’t, she nearly cried in relief, overjoyed to continue gazing into his eyes. ready to fall forward into the bottomless lake of blue, heel over head and back again as she floated freely in the ring around a growing island of black. they were so close she could see her reflection in said island.

     “you’re pretty,” she breathed.

     bucky snorted, trying to play off the heat rising up his neck as it grew faster and faster when he realized the sincerity in her voice. “you must be looking at yourself.”

     smiling softly, she focused her eyes back on his instead of the reflection in them. “yeah. yeah, actually, i was.”

     within the same weekend, bucky once again found himself perusing the rows of christmas trees. this time with his sister and niece in tow. he hadn’t realized how good he had it with his neighbor, since becca was much pickier and much more vocal about it. they’d hardly even stepped into the place before she was grumbling about what a pain in the ass it was going to be.

     “could always go fake,” he breathed.

     “be serious.”

     bucky snorted, going to pull out the first tree for her to inspect when a voice caught his attention.

     “whoa, busy guy!”

     the same guy from friday was there at the checkout table, laughing at bucky as he caught sight of him again. bucky just laughed, shrugging off the comment in hopes of it going ignored.

     “sorry?” becca pried, quirking an eyebrow at him.

     sighing, bucky glanced at her. “i helped my neighbor with hers.”

     “i know her name, weirdo. we’ve been hanging out.”

     that caused him to perk up. “what, you mean... on your own?” his sister simply shrugged with a smug look on her face. “when? where? what did you two even do?”

     “ooh, someone’s jealous,” she teased.

     “i’m not jealous...”

     becca laughed, bright and clear at her brother, watching him grumble to himself. “relax, i didn’t tell her anything embarrassing about you. like that time you laughed chocolate milk out of your nose and made yourself puke.”

     “i was twelve.”

     “thirteen.”

     with a crinkle in his brows, bucky pulled the tree out finally. “this one doesn’t look bad.”

     “kinda short,” becca hummed. “gram liked them to the ceiling.”

     raising his eyes to the top of it, he gauged just where it would fall in her living room. seeing what she meant, he nodded and put the tree back, moving down the row, taking note of their heights.

     “did you decorate hers together?”

     “what?” before his sister could clarify, his brain caught up. “uh, no? i just helped her carry it inside and everything.”

     “‘and everything’?” becca watched as he rolled his eyes at her, stopping her laugh behind her smirk. “pull that one out.”

     bucky did so, tapping the trunk to the ground a couple times to shake out the branches.

     “bald spot on the left.”

     spinning it in his hold, he spotted what she was talking about and put that one back, too. winnie let out a shrill laugh, causing them all to look over to where she was staring at an inflatable lawn ornament, a big snowman with his top hat struggling to stay blown up.

     “i like her,” becca confessed as her and bucky kept moving down the line.

     “who, your daughter?”

     “no, asshole. your neighbor.”

     her voice went deeper and goofy as she mocked him, getting a quick chuckle out of him. “that’s nice.” he attempted coy, probably fell somewhere closer to sheepish.

     the knowing grin on his sister’s face told him he realistically landed nowhere near either one.

     “will you just pick out a damn tree?” he sighed.

~

     the dates on the calendar were getting more and more serious, creeping up on bucky until he was spurred into action, practically begging his neighbor to come with him to get a gift for becca. since they were such good friends now, apparently. a fact which she was sheepish to admit at first, mostly because becca had told her not to tell him.

     it was unforgiving out come saturday, cold enough for even bucky to feel it biting at his skin. but he had no complaints, not when it meant he got to see his neighbor meet him outside with a scarf bundled up to her nose almost. he chuckled at her, teasing her about being dramatic since they were getting right in the car.

     “whatever,” she whined, “i don’t like running the heat in the car that much.”

     “sure you’re gonna be able to steer with that jacket on?” motioning to her thick puffer, he laughed again when she only gave him a blank look.

     “cats were pissed at me because i unplugged their heated blanket before i left.”

     “maybe you can get them a little something while we’re up that way.”

     “two weeks before christmas?” she scoffed, “they can wait.”

     bucky always seemed to find himself laughing around her, whether she was just that funny or his nerves seemed to simmer right on the edge of too much. he’d gotten her to at least turn the heat on their feet as they drove up to indy, guided by nothing more than his memory, letting the dulcet tones of holiday music fill the few gaps of silence between them. she wanted to get a few things for her friend that lived in new york, bucky a little disappointed with himself that it was his first time hearing of it.

     as was to be expected of a saturday before the holidays, the mall was packed, cars squeezed into parking spaces and zipping around frantically. it was somewhat of a miracle that they found a spot as close as they did, her quick thinking snagging it before someone else could worm their way in.

     “where do you wanna start?” she asked.

     bucky shrugged, a little embarrassed that he didn’t have much of a clue what to get his sister. “she’s always been difficult to buy for.”

     his neighbor nodded, adjusting her scarf as they grew closer to the mall entrance so he wouldn’t have to strain to hear her through the wool. “something just for her,” she offered, “everything is about winnie, so i’m sure it would be nice for her to get something that’s purely hers.”

     “yeah,” he agreed, “that sounds nice.”

     sounding nice and being easy to find were two different things, he was coming to find out. as they checked off store after store and nothing jumped out to him. it was enough to have him starting to panic before they came upon a nail salon.

     “that could be fun,” his neighbor suggested. “little mani pedi trip.”

     bucky hummed in acknowledgement before he looked at her. “maybe you could go with her. now that you two are... what does sam call it? b-something... bff.”

     she laughed at him. “good job, grandpa!” when bucky nudged her, she stuck her tongue out at him. “i could come with her. you might be on baby duty, though.”

     “that’d be alright.”

     so he let her help him through getting a gift card, enough for both of them to get pampered when they came, even if she fought him on it at first. it was two birds, one stone as far as he was concerned because he didn’t really have much of an idea what to get her, either. beyond the stupid thing he was thinking of, but he wanted something fun, too.

     “i wanna stop in here to get my friend’s gift.”

     it was a music store, cds and cassettes carefully laid out on shelves and displays, little stations set up to listen to certain ones. she left him over at one as she went to ask an employee for help.

     bucky slid the headphones onto his ears, squinting at the screen to tap through the options they had. it was too daunting to pick out something new, so he settled for the first album he recognized. couldn’t go wrong with some tom petty. he looked around the store as he listened, taking note of everyone in the place and where exactly they were in relation to her. he needed to relax, truly.

     amidst the hustle and bustle, he caught sight of the cd rack beside him, eyes nearly popping out of his head when he saw a familiar sight under the new releases section. just to double check, he looked back toward his neighbor, finding her still chatting away with the employee. without even turning the music off, he pulled the headphones from his ears and set them back down, quickly moving to snag the cd that had caught his eye and make his way to the checkout with it, hopefully without her spotting him.

     “big fan of the care bears, huh?” the kid working the register laughed.

     “yeah, i am.”

     the serious tone he put on made the kid go sheepish, not another word coming out of him except bucky’s total. just as he took his bag from the kid, he felt someone come up behind him.

     “what did you get?”

     glancing over his shoulder, bucky grinned at his neighbor. “oh, you know... just a little something.” she laughed at him. “find what you needed?”

     “mhm,” she nodded, handing over the couple albums she found.

     he let her convince him to get pretzels and lunch in the food court. tradition, she claimed. and bucky could see himself adopting such a tradition as he watched her lick the pizza grease from her lips to no avail.

     “so did you get your little tree?” she asked at some point, moving to take a sip of her soda.

     he had just finished chewing, shaking his head as he swallowed and offering a guilty look. she scrunched her face at him, pretending to be angry. “forgive me,” he pouted.

     her laugh somehow made it to him over the chatter around them. “well, with a face like that... how can i stay mad?”

     bucky grinned around his next bite.

     the cacophony of the mall faded as they stepped into their next store, holiday music continuing softly while the two of them hunted for cards for their gifts. bucky could see her glancing at him every so often, either curious as to which ones he was picking out or making sure he wasn’t spying on her. he just chuckled to himself and turned slightly, shielding his selections from her. the one he’d selected for her most of all. it was of the cat character she liked, that he was just finding out was called hello kitty.

     again, she stepped up to him at the checkout, just a second too late to see what was inside his bag.

     the cashier in front of them giggling caught their attention. “uh-oh,” they pointed, drawing everyone’s gazes to the mistletoe hanging overhead.

     bucky lingered on it a moment, already feeling his neighbor’s eyes falling to him. he heard it when he swallowed nervously, felt the piercing in his chest when he finally found her gaze. hesitantly hopeful, soft enough to make him all the guiltier when he didn’t move.

     she laughed breathily, trying her hardest to keep bucky from seeing the disappointment flooding her eyes as she turned back to the cashier. he couldn’t hear what she said, what excuse she had used for him not ducking down and following through on the tradition. one he apparently was still too coward for.

     from the way she kept pace with him and continued chatting with him, bucky could tell she was embarrassed but trying to spare him from it. which was never going to work as he beat away at himself the rest of the day. it was a mix of guilt and mortification, disappointment with himself and the way he’d made her feel the same. he couldn’t find it in himself to say much, following after her like a scolded puppy into store after store. helpless but to watch as a man approached her near a pile of sweaters in a clothing store.

     bucky was a few rows over, staring at the two of them. the guy was younger, probably closer to her age, successful in pulling a laugh from her. it made the pit in his stomach sink lower and lower as if there was no earth beneath him to stop it. because he should have just done it, should have just grabbed her and kissed the breath from both of them like he wanted to.

     like she wanted him to.

     it was too much for him to watch as the guy pulled his phone out and held it out to her, so he looked away. like the coward he was.

     hardly a moment later, she was shuffling up to his side again, looking him over as he stood idle with the leg of a pair of jeans in his hand.

     “you okay?” she tried.

     bucky looked at her, making her heart stop when she saw the way his eyes fell.

     “yeah.”

     what else could he say?

     it was late by the time they got home. a drive of holiday music playing slightly louder than before and hesitant glances. bucky wished he could go a step further and peel his skin off after his clothes when he went to get in the shower. maybe that would wash off the last layer of doubt from him and finally allow him to make the final push to close the gap between him and her.

     he’d just stepped out into a cloud of steam when he heard his phone ringing, dragged himself out into the chilled air of his hallway to answer it.

     “yeah?”

     “come outside.”

     her voice and words made him flash back to his hotel room, his eyes falling down to his lack of clothing. “uh... wait just one second.”

     his phone slid when he placed it on the dinner table, would have clattered onto the floor if his chair hadn’t caught it. he fought with his sweatpants against his damp skin, barely managed to get his henley on without strangling himself before he could snatch up his phone again.

     “alright, i’m coming out.”

     “don’t hang up!”

     he stilled for a second, but nodded. “okay.”

     the wet strands of his hair clung to the phone when he tucked it against his shoulder and ear, opening his door slowly, unsure what he was about to find.

     at first glance, his porch was empty, his neighbor nowhere to be found until he looked across the way and spotted her watching from her living room window.

     “a little lower,” she laughed.

     bucky let his gaze drift down until he spotted what she was clearly referring to. he let out a laugh of his own, finding her once more to catch her resting her head on her hand.

     “there, scrooge.”

     careful not to drop the phone, he crouched and pushed his storm door open, pulling the little decorative tree she left for him inside. “yeah, yeah,” he grinned, “tiny tim is saved.”

     when he heard her giggle, he couldn’t help but to look to her again. it wasn’t easy to make out her full expression through the distance between them and the dim of the evening, but what he did find told him she wasn’t holding anything against him. that he’d been the only one ripping himself to pieces.

     patience. she could wait.

     but maybe he couldn’t. maybe they shouldn’t. maybe they were closer to snapping than either of them even knew.

     maybe when his dryer sputtered before coming to a complete stop the following day, it was some sort of sign.

     “damn it...” his voice came strained before he gave up and admitted defeat against the machine.

     or at least defeat for the time being. he could run his sheets over to becca’s when he went for dinner. but then he remembered she was going over by mrs. deerborne for the night to thank her for babysitting. so he was alone for the evening. and without a dryer. and his sheets were nearly soaked.

     so he sucked up his pride and shoved everything into one of his pillowcases, slinging it over his shoulder before he made his way over to his neighbor’s. he leaned in to knock on her door, smiling when she opened it and beamed at him.

     “oh, santa,” she teased, “you’re early.”

     bucky laughed, shaking his head. “my dryer is giving me issues, can i throw these in yours?”

     “yeah, of course,” she nodded, stepping aside to let him in. “gimme a second, i just finished a load. let me get it out.”

     he waited in her kitchen, watching as she bent over to dig out her laundry into a hamper, having to turn his gaze away when he felt his face growing hot.

     “there, all yours.”

     “thanks,” he croaked, stepping around her to shove his pillowcase in and shake out its contents. “is it alright if i leave them with you? i gotta try and figure out what’s wrong with mine.”

     she nodded as she sat down to begin folding hers, quickly shoving the pair of panties on top out of sight. “mhm... i’ll, um, bring them over if they’re done before you are.”

     “thanks,” he breathed, still staring at where her undergarments had just been. “again.”

     with another simple nod between them, he left, finding himself sat in front of his dryer, blankly staring into the open back of it for what felt like hours. he was distracted, not as sure of himself or his movements. brain still stuck on the sight of her bent over her load of laundry and the pair of underwear she thought she had hidden in time.

     he had just admitted defeat once more and slumped back against the wall when he heard footsteps landing on his porch, her knuckles tapping out a rhythm a beat after.

     when he stood up to open his door, he took in a breath first.

     “i come bearing linens, my lord.”

     bucky snorted, biting his smile to keep his composure. “you have my thanks, my lady.”

     “also...” she started, stepping into his house when he opened the door further. “at the risk of making you blush like a schoolgirl... you had a pair of boxers in there. they fell out while i was folding everything.” from the bottom of the pile of sheets, she produced the undergarments as she admired where he’d decided to set up his miniature tree. on the dining table beside the teddy bear.

     he felt his eyes go wide for a moment, had to act quick to school his features when she turned to him. “i didn’t take you for a panty thief.”

     “excuse me?” she squawked, clearly toying with him. “i was trying to be polite about it, but if you’re going to accuse me of such degeneracy...” to make her point, she turned her nose up at him, nearly letting her smile break through when she heard the chuckle bucky let slip. squinting her eyes, she looked at him again. “if i didn’t know better, i’d think you were making a pass at me throwing those in there.”

     “oh, yeah?” bucky smirked, “that enough to woo you?”

     “hardly. what kind of lady do you take me for?”

     just do it. she wants you, you dumbass.

     bucky cleared his throat, gaze dropping once more. “can i bother you to help me get them on the bed?”

     once more, she smiled. “not a bother at all.”

     from out of nowhere it seemed, alpine came bolting into the bedroom with them, jumping onto the naked mattress and turning to stare at them impatiently. his neighbor worked around her, ruffling at her fur playfully while trying to get the fitted sheet on.

     “she does this every time,” bucky offered, watching the two of them play through the flat sheet that alpine had allowed herself to be trapped under.

     “mine do, too. i can’t blame them, i enjoy clean sheet day just as much.”

     bucky hummed. “shower and some pjs, climb into fresh sheets.”

     “oh, my god,” she sighed, looking up at him from where she was shoving his pillows inside their cases. “nothing better.”

     he smirked, reaching down to lift up his mattress so she could easily tuck the flat sheet under it.

     “jesus, you lift that like it’s a loaf of bread or something.”

     “i eat a lot of protein,” he shrugged.

     her laugh was breathy and slightly strained. “okay. i’ll double my peanut butter intake. corners tucked?”

     bucky mulled it over, taking too long to think on it and earning a look from her and alpine where his cat had finally crawled out from the sheet. “i don’t know, actually. i usually just leave it loose ’cause it’s easier.”

     “well, do you like them tucked?”

     “i think so. or i was used to it at least.”

     she nodded, moving to one side. “hospital corners, it is.”

     “military corners,” he teased, not expecting her to suddenly shoot upright and give him a salute.

     “sir, yes, sir.”

     bucky laughed and watched as she began folding the corners of the sheet carefully, moving up to straighten the whole thing out after alpine’s romp in it. once they were all smooth and perfect, she stood at the end of his bed and placed her hand against her brow again, clearly waiting for his approval. so bucky indulged her and pretended to inspect the quality of her corners.

     “at ease,” he finally nodded, prompting her to let out a dramatic breath and plop onto the once pristine sheets.

     her head fell back, hanging between her shoulder blades as she looked up. after a moment, she felt her lips curling into a playful smile. “the light on your ceiling fan kinda looks like a boob.”

     with a snort, bucky came to stand over her, tips of their toes touching before he looked up. “yeah, i guess it kinda does.” he looked down to her. “pervert.”

     she looked at him, finding his eyes as they pierced down into her. what a position she had found herself in. on the edge of his bed, suddenly overcome with the realization that she had never been in his bedroom before. she hadn’t even gotten a chance to snoop around the way he had hers, taking inventory of all the little things that could possibly stand out as distinctly bucky.

     and to have his form looming over hers, fingers digging into the waistband of his sweatpants where his hand was sitting on his hip...

     the dart of both of their eyes when she realized hers had drifted was telling. it gave away how both of them had been thinking similar thoughts about their predicament, had certain images swarming their brains.

     bucky stepped back almost too quickly, thankful for her avoidant gaze when he stumbled. “thanks for... letting me use your dryer. and helping me make the bed.”

     “you’re welcome,” she nodded, trying desperately to ignore the rasp to his voice as she stood.

     he hadn’t moved back far enough, hadn’t stepped to the side to grant her room when she stood, resulting in them winding up still just a hair too close for casual.

     she looked up at him. he looked down at her.

     and he could feel it under his skin. he was definitely blushing like a schoolgirl.

     she felt it. a heat rushing through her, straight down to where she felt the urge to cross her legs.

     but she decided to leave instead, stopping at his front door to lower herself into a curtsey.

     “my lord,” she breathed.

     bucky stared at her a second, waiting until her eyes lifted to his again.

     do it.

     his hand found his chest as he leaned forward into a slight bow. “my lady.”

     the ground was solid beneath her feet as she walked back to her house, a far cry from the lush green of summertime when he had first mowed her lawn for her. but she felt his eyes on her, just like they had been those few months prior. and where they had once made her squeeze herself into a hug of self-doubt, they now made that heat inside her begin to creep closer and closer to boiling over.

     her door shut with a click, couch squealing slightly when she flopped face first onto it, over the arm and with her feet kicked up in the air behind her. her arms reached out, hands finding a throw pillow to latch onto and pull into her face. she moved like a worm, wiggling her way across the couch until her legs were no longer dangling, curling onto her side. her thighs finally got to squeeze, attempting to ease the ache within them.

     she couldn’t stop thinking of him staring down at her from the end of the bed, of the brief heat behind his gaze before it turned shy. the firmness of his mattress under her, how it snapped back like a rubber band when she fell onto it.

     bucky fell back onto the floor of his hallway, staring into the open back of his dryer blankly. with his fingers running through his hair, he thought back to how hers had felt doing the same, shaking out the snipped ends of it as she admired her work. on her porch the second time, so they could have some shelter from the cold. he looked over into his bedroom to the ripples in his sheets at the end of the bed where she’d been sat. the look she’d given him when she stood up, the glint in her eyes letting on that the heat he felt behind his face had in fact shown as a flush.

     soon it became dark out. dinners were eaten, dishes were washed, teeth brushed. that same heat had never faded from her insides. it drew her closer to her bedroom, had her stepping up to her curtains to slowly pull them closed.

     bucky always kept his shut, but something in him needed to double check, to make sure they were secure before he crawled into his bed. the sheets were tight around his feet, nostalgic in a way he didn’t expect. his palm wiped over his smile, made his skin prick with goosebumps as it continued down onto his chest. now bare and rising and falling gently as he settled in. movement growing heavier as his hand kept going. didn’t stop.

     the elastic of her panties scratched over the back of her hand as she gripped onto her pillow with the other. a sense of embarrassment flooded her, even in the nearly pitch black room, nothing but the glow of her television to expose her. even that grew dark as she shut her eyes, lips parting at the first press of her finger.

     a hiss sounded between his teeth, exhale shaky from the almost foreign sensation. it had been so long, so many, many years since his own palm had wrapped around himself. he’d forgotten the weight, the solidness, the way it could have his stomach jumping under his forearm. the way just enough pressure made his eyes grow clouded and hazy.

     she felt a tear slip past her lashes, burning a trail down her temple before it melted into her pillowcase. the image of his lips, his canines peaking through them as he grinned at her. what the contrast between the plush skin and hard bone would feel like against her neck, her chest, trailing further and further until she couldn’t stand it any longer. she wanted to hear him, his voice, the hitch of it as he pushed himself to his limit. wondered if he would play along if she picked up the phone and begged him.

     bucky could see her gasping up at him when he closed his eyes, swore he heard her breathy pleas beneath his own trembling sighs. felt his stomach seize again at the sound his brain manufactured, how it would compare to the real thing. the draw of her brows when her head fell back and her walls began to close in on him.

     her breaths came quick, thighs shaking where they clamped around her wrist, first syllable of his name managing to escape her lips before her teeth sunk in and stopped the weak cry.

     the hiss of his shower was almost deafening, faucet continuing to squeal as he kept it suspended right on the edge so the water would be near freezing when he stepped in. he couldn’t. he couldn’t do that to her. not even in his mind could he be having her in such a way. the water poured over his head, drowning out the world around him as it rushed down his chest.

     the pounding of her heartbeat drummed in her ears, slowly fading out into the soft murmur of her television. another ache had settled into her thighs as she rolled over onto her side, eyes squeezing in embarrassment at the dampness along her palm where it smoothed across her sheets and under her pillow. it was softer, relieved, had her letting out a final contented sigh before she started to allow exhaustion to settle over her. but it was wrong, it was...

     he couldn’t find out.

     winnifred watched as the boy before her suddenly took off into his bedroom, door shutting more than softly but never slamming. she sighed, feeling her husband’s hand land on her shoulder as he took a step toward the hall.

     “no,” she breathed, “let me.”

     james was sat on his floor when she opened the door after knocking, turning his back to her when she stepped into his room. but he didn’t retreat once she sat down beside him. for a moment, winnifred just watched her son push his toy cars back and forth, his chin resting on his knees where they were tucked to his chest.

     “wanna tell me what’s on your mind?”

     he huffed, lips forming a pout before he grumbled, “it’s stupid.”

     “you know i don’t like that word.”

     “sorry...”

     sighing, winnifred adjusted herself to be closer to her son. “nothing is ever stupid. ’specially not anything that could make you so upset.”

     the toy car stilled, his tiny fist tightening around it before he pushed it off to the side, sending it rolling across the carpet and straight under his bed. james wrapped his arms around his knees and squeezed them, burying his face in the small gap between them and his chest.

     “i’m scared,” he fretted softly.

     winnifred felt her heart constricting, again drew herself closer to him and placed her hand on his neck, slowly beginning to rub at his shoulders. “of what, chestnut?”

     his hands flew to his hair, grabbing at it in frustration as he cried, “i don’t know how to- how to be a big brother!”

     his mother was quick to take his hands in her own, cupping his tiny palms against one of hers as she smoothed his hair back into place with her other. “look at me, james.”

     and he fought her, had to be coaxed out of his hiding spot with a nudge to his cheek. when he finally looked up, his face was flushed, little brows crinkled with confusion and anger and fear, cycling through them too fast for him to keep up with. winnifred held in her laugh, traced her eyes and knuckles down his cheek to his chin to give it a pinch.

     “love,” she declared, “you just love and everything else will fall into place.”

     james scrunched his face, pulling his face away. “you always say that about everything!”

     that time, she allowed herself to giggle at him. “well, it’s the truth! there’s nothing stronger in this whole world than love.”

     and without missing a beat, james countered, “i bet superman is.” he pulled his hands from his mother’s to raise one in the air like the character’s signature flying pose.

     she laughed at him and his quick shift in mood, followed after it to tickle his side and send him curling over in a fit of giggles. “you know what made him so strong?” she asked once he caught his breath again.

     he hummed as he thought, wiping his hands over his face to clear the hair from it. a devious grin crept onto it when he looked to his mother again. “bugs.”

     with his front teeth missing, there was a slight lisp to his words, making winnifred throw her head back in laughter. “bugs?” she asked, going in to try and ambush james with another tickle attack. he blocked her, little hands grabbing hers and struggling to keep them away. “you think superman is eating bugs?”

     “yes!” he squealed, going to run but getting stopped by his mother’s hands wrapping around him.

     “i think it was love,” she teased, holding onto him tighter when he began to wriggle.

     “from who?”

     “hm... his friends, his family. his mother.”

     james stilled in her arms, seeming to think for a moment before he nodded, “yeah.”

     winnifred smiled. “you think so, chestnut?”

     “mhm.” finally free from his mother’s clutches, he turned to face her again. “but does that- does that mean that i can get strong like him, too? because you- you love me?”

     oh, did she love him. his little voice and the breaths he had to take between his words. the way they whistled out in the empty gap between his teeth. his silken strands of brown and the cowlick at his crown that gave him his nickname. the way he followed her around, clinging to her legs and asking what she was doing over and over throughout the day.

     “you’re already strong,” she nodded, “as long as i love you, you’ll be strong enough to do anything. and i’ll always love you, james.”

     his face broke out into a smile, arms wrapping around her neck a little more than the month before as he kept growing and growing before her eyes. she squeezed him back, feeling her eyes begin to sting at the realization of how fast the years were moving. when he pulled away, she stopped herself from snatching him back.

     her son ducked his head down to stare at her stomach, landing gentle little pats to it as he whispered, “i’ll give you love, too, so you can get big and strong and we can take over the whole world together.”

     winnifred feigned a pout at him. “you would take over the world? it would be a lot of work, chestnut, you wouldn’t have much time to see me.”

     tiny brows furrowing, he quickly shook his head. “nevermind.”

     she welcomed him back in for another hug when he fell against her, smoothing her hand down the back of his head as she laughed, “i thought as much.” turning her face to him, she kissed his temple and allowed her eyes to fall shut as she savored the simple moment with him. “you’re going to be a wonderful big brother, james. a wonderful man.”

     the old wheels squeaked slightly as bucky ran his toy car across the top of his bookcase, smiling down at it and the faded paint where his fingers had once gripped it. the old toys weren’t much, but they added more character than his home had seen since he moved in, gave him something to fiddle with and admire as he waited for the sun to finally set outside. good decision bringing them back from becca’s garage.

     once it was pleasantly dark out, he finally saw his neighbor emerge from her house. she waved over to him on his porch and nodded when he lifted his cigarette, going over to start her car as she waited.

     he’d gotten better about smoking, really, but every so often... when he felt certain things in his life getting a little too serious... he needed something to occupy his hand and ease his nerves.

     certain things like picking through the rows and rows of christmas trees with his neighbor.

     he apologized when he climbed into her car, tried to wave off the smell as best he could.

     “it’s fine,” she smiled, “i... kinda love that smell.”

     to which bucky snorted and shook his head. “no, you don’t.”

     “i do!” she stressed, laughing through it. “my dad was a smoker.”

     he grimaced slightly, looking over to her as he buckled himself in. “oh, christ. your dad?”

     her laugh was short and accompanied by a roll of her eyes. “relax, freud. it’s just a familiar comfort, i guess. reminds me of good times. not anything to make you all existential.”

     it wasn’t making him existential. not really. self-conscious, maybe. questioning whether or not he truly wanted to cut back as much, perhaps.

     he’d think more on it later. they had a tree to find.

     she wasn’t too particular about one. just that it had to be kinda skinny to fit in her living room, but full enough to hold her decorations.

     through the row they were perusing, him on one side, her on the other, she looked at him with a scrunch to her brows. “you’re not getting one?”

     bucky glanced at her, pushing the tree he was looking at back into place. too wide. “no, i don’t really have the room.”

     “get one of the little ones at the front! it would be so cute.”

     he grinned, ducking his head slightly to keep her from seeing it. “maybe.”

     her laugh was muffled under the rustle of branches.

     at some point, they’d met at the end of a row and hadn’t parted again, making their way down the next side by side and inspecting each tree together. there was an older couple a little ways ahead of them, and her and bucky looked at each other instantly when they saw the tree the couple had pulled out.

     “damn it,” she hissed, “that one’s perfect.”

     “i know. maybe they’ll put it back.”

     with laser-focused eyes, they watched, listening closely to the quiet conversation between the couple. the man thought it was good enough, the woman said it was a little short. bucky could feel his neighbor practically humming with anticipation beside him. her hand grabbed onto his bicep when the tree was set back into place, shaking it enthusiastically.

     he let her help him carry it up to the small table set up for checkout, smirking to himself when she marveled about how much lighter it was than it seemed.

     “chestnuts.”

     his mouth went dry as he stared at her. “w-what?”

     she pointed to the wooden box sitting atop the table. “they’ve got chestnuts. i’m gonna get some.”

     “oh.”

     “grab your little tree, i’ll get it for you.”

     shaking his head, bucky rubbed his knuckles over his beard. “no, i’ll come and grab it later.”

     she gave him a firm look, squinting her eyes at him, but could only purse her lips as the guy running the place finally came over.

     it took the three of them to get the tree strapped down to her car, the tip of it hanging down over her back windshield. luckily, it was a clear night. the town was a little empty, too, with a lot of families up in indy for shopping at the big stores. bucky was thankful she didn’t seem keen on participating in the chaos.

     “let me just go unlock everything and i’ll come help you-” a grunt and the snapping of twine caused her to turn back from where she was walking up her steps, mouth falling open at the sight of bucky hauling the tree down from her car and setting it on his shoulder. “jesus...”

     he stepped up to her, feeling a smirk splitting onto his lips again as she stood frozen, ogling him under the porch light she left on. “wanna get the door for me?” he teased.

     “yeah... yes! right, hold on...”

     slipping into her screen door behind her, he set the tree down on her porch to shake it out some before bringing it in. his hand was sticky with sap, needles stuck all over his coat that she told him not to worry about as she ushered him in and over to the stand she had set up. she laid down on the floor, guiding the trunk into the stand and trusting him to keep it straight as she screwed it in place.

     “how are we looking?” she asked, face going blank when a rain of needles fell on her as bucky shook the tree to test its sturdiness.

     “good.”

     “great. thanks.”

     her tone made him furrow his brows until she stood back up and he saw the needles stuck to her and falling off with her movement. he laughed, dusting off her shoulder playfully. “sorry.”

     “mhm.”

     bucky had once thought he was keeping a close eye on just how quickly their relationship was developing, assumed it would be easy for him to spot the changes as they were made. and, to an extent, maybe he had. he had sensed the big shifts and the ways their bodies had grown more and more familiar with one another. but what had slipped through the cracks were the subtle changes, the quiet ways in which they had carved out space for each other in their lives. he supposed it was like looking at himself in the mirror each morning, not recognizing the fine lines creeping in until they had already dug themselves across his forehead.

     but whether he had noticed or not, they’d fallen into the comfort of comfortability, of simply being around one another. sometimes in nothing but complete silence as they occupied themselves with their own tasks. so much so that beer had found its way into her fridge and he could see clumps of white fur stuck in her carpet.

     from where she was sat on her floor, she watched him out of the corner of her eye as he plopped onto her couch with his beer. a small smile played at her lips, hopefully not obvious to him so she wouldn’t have to explain its cause. that she had noticed how he always sat with his legs spread to their full span. that if it was any other man it would drive her mad. that when he did it, she felt nothing but her stomach flip.

     reaching over to test the strand of lights in her hand, she looked at him fully to find him already looking at her. “alright,” she said, “two truths and a lie.”

     bucky chuckled, relaxing back into her couch cushions as he swallowed his sip of beer. he felt his throat vibrate around his hum, toe of his boot tapping. his eyes fell down to the beer now resting against his thigh. “i can’t get drunk,” he started, finding her gaze again to try and read it. “i hated bugs as a kid. and... i’m actually a millionaire.”

     her eyes lit up before she squinted them at him, smile tugging onto her lips again.

     “tough one, i know.”

     she shrugged nonchalantly before starting to look over each bulb on the string of lights. “i think i already have it.”

     bucky sat up slightly. “there’s no way.”

     “you hated bugs. lie.”

     when she got no response, she looked back up to him to find him sitting with a dumbfounded look on his face as he stared at her. it made her laugh victoriously, eventually coaxing a laugh of his own from him.

     “how the hell did you get that?”

     continuing to scan over her lights, she adjusted her knees under her before speaking. “drunk thing makes sense because you crush those beers and don’t even so much as stumble. millionaire... that almost had me, but i don’t know. i could see that. live in a trailer in a small town to try and keep yourself humble.”

     once again, bucky laughed. it wasn’t exactly like that, but she’d guessed right nonetheless.

     “but bugs...” she stopped herself again to squint at him playfully. “no, i saw those baby pictures of yours. i know the face of a kid that picks up centipedes when i see one.”

     “guilty,” he smirked, sitting forward to watch her closer. “i used to chase my sister around with every bug i found.” when she forced a shiver, he cocked a brow. “not a fan?”

     “hell no.”

     “what about your little pet spider?” he laughed.

     “that’s different,” she stated like it was the simplest concept in the world, offended that he even asked. “she’s not harming anyone. just hangs out in my bathroom. spiders are fine, most other bugs just give me the heebie jeebies. but roaches? forget it. i start crying on the spot, i can’t handle them at all. i’d rather someone break into my house with a gun than a roach crawl on in.”

     bucky almost lost the sip of beer he’d taken, barely managed to choke it down around his laugh. “i don’t think that’s- i would much rather a roach crawl in here, okay? i’ll come take care of it.”

     “i’ll hold you to that.”

     “i’m counting on it.” with another sip, one that went down much smoother, he watched her for a moment, admiring the way the orange glow of the lights danced across her face as she moved them. he was about to say something stupid when she spoke up again.

     “care to explain the whole can’t-get-drunk thing?”

     “not much to explain,” he sighed, partially grateful for the distraction from his mushy thoughts. “shit they put in me makes me... i heal faster, which includes intoxication, so... can’t get drunk.”

     she nodded, waiting a beat before prying, “and the secret millions?”

     bucky snorted, shrugging around his next sip. “sorta the same reason. government pays out when they ruin your whole life and don’t want anyone to know about it.”

     she’d just cleared the last bulb when he’d said it, the green cord straining in her hold as her fists tightened. it made her sick to think about what he’d been put through, to now know that he’d just had some money thrown at him as if that would ever compare to the years of his life they’d taken from him. all the losses and heartache they’d left him with, and they thought money would be enough.

     carefully tugging the plug from the outlet, she placed the set aside to grab another. “you... do you... use it?” as soon as it left her mouth, she cringed, quick to try and take it back. “that’s not my place to ask, i’m sorry.”

     “no, no, it’s alright.” he leaned forward to set his empty beer on one of her coasters on the coffee table. “no, i don’t touch it. it’s just sitting there collecting dust and interest, i guess. get a statement in the mail every month letting me know how much it’s up to. i just throw the shit out. i don’t want their money, i wanted my life back.”

     “of course. i’m sorry.”

     bucky shook his head even if she didn’t catch it from where she was clearly trying to preoccupy herself with her lights. he felt the urge to apologize himself. for ruining the mood, for even slipping that into the lighthearted game she was trying to play.

     in an attempt to salvage it, he sheepishly pushed his hair back and tried, “two truths and a lie?”

     her eyes fell on him, surprising him with the heat of fury that was in them when he expected sympathy. it sizzled out the longer she looked at him, shoulders deflating with a sigh before she smiled.

     “hm... i can get drunk, i don’t like the taste of peppermint, and i prefer the second home alone over the first.”

     chuckling, bucky pretended to think it over, finding it harder than he expected when he realized he had no clue what she was talking about. “that’s a movie, right?” he asked.

     she stared at him blankly. “please say you’re joking.”

     “fifteen years in captivity, sweetheart.”

     “oh, my god.” pushing her lights to the side, she got up onto her knees to shuffle across the floor to her television. “we’re watching them right now.”

     “so peppermint is the lie, then?”

     “go get alpine, you’re gonna be here a while.”

     “what about that lighting ceremony?”

     “we can do it tomorrow,” she stressed, “this is more important.”

     his laugh bubbled in his chest, kept slipping out as he traversed across their yards to collect his cat for their impromptu movie marathon.

     his neighbor’s oven was whirring to life when he slipped back inside her house, the telltale rumble of chestnuts across a metal sheet pan causing his lips to curl into a small smile. alpine quickly made herself at home like always, finding a nice spot on the wicker rocker in the bedroom where the other cats were already curled up for the evening. it left him and his neighbor to themselves, settling onto her couch to watch what she was calling a ‘classic’ and gushing over getting to show it to him.

     more than a few times, more than he expected to, bucky found himself chuckling, finding it easier to laugh when he heard hers beside him and looked over to see her already looking to him for approval. he was just finding the courage to slide his arm closer where it was resting on the back of the couch behind her when the timer on her oven went of, causing her to stand up and out of his reach.

     with a clean dish towel, she sat back beside him and began peeling open the steaming chestnuts, offering the first out to him and watching as he took it almost reluctantly.

     bucky felt her eyes on him, looked up to give her a sad smile. “my mom used to call me that. chestnut.”

     her brows pinched in affection, bottom lip forming a pout on its own. “that’s... so cute.”

     “so cute,” bucky spoke in tandem with her, already anticipating the reaction as he rolled his eyes at her fondly.

     eventually, he gave up taking his hand off the back of the couch and putting it back just to take the chestnuts she offered out to him, choosing instead to open his mouth and wait for her to take the bait and feed him. it was worth it enough just to see her squirm.

     the first movie wrapped up, getting a nice tug at his heart and a thin rim of moisture at his lashes. she was beaming at him, gushing again and again about the second one and the fond memories she had of it.

     “my grandma loved them, too,” she laughed, “she would ask for me to put them on all the time and tell me how she sat there watching them and laughing like a jerk all by herself.”

     and bucky could see why once the two of them were finally settled in, his fingertips able to trace over her shoulder as she busted into hysterics at one of the burglars getting electrocuted into a skeleton. he’d almost missed it, too busy watching her, only catching the last second before he looked to her again. she was nearly in tears, turning to him as her laughter grew silent from how hard it was. her eyes crinkled with it, growing watery until a honk finally burst out of her. bucky had no choice but to follow after her, his own laughter coming from deep in his chest, eyes struggling to stay on her as they drew closed.

     patience. his mother used to scold him for having none once upon a time. he could remember burning his fingertips on a fresh tray of cookies and the way she’d yelled at him out of pure fear. as he got older, it got worse. he found himself growing frustrated at the pool trying to teach his sister how to swim, the laughter of their grandmother as bright as the summer sun beating down on them. suddenly, high school couldn’t come soon enough. college, a job, all the money in the world. he wanted it now, now, now.

     and then everything got flipped upside down, and on the other side, he ached for the slowness of youth.

     part of him expected everyone else to have as little patience with him as he did with himself, was shocked when his neighbor still greeted him with a vibrant smile for their weekly grocery run. after he’d retreated back into the safety of his shell and made a fool of himself. she still waited for him, lingered close in the store to watch him break out in shy smiles.

     she was patient with him. and he loathed and cherished it.

     he knew it was just her disposition, but started to think it was something else from the little moments they shared, softness that he supposed held a certain romance within them. he could feel it, too. the buildup, the mounting of desire just waiting to bubble over or burst. her choice of movie on friday had him gripping his thigh, staring over at her every time the characters shared a moment of intimacy.

     it was hardly explicit, an adaptation of pride and prejudice, but each brush of hands felt like he was witness to something he shouldn’t be, had his own falling to the couch in hopes hers would find it. she was engrossed, locked on to the film as if it were her first time experiencing it. bucky could almost see it through her eyes as he spent the bulk of it watching her instead of the movie.

     he jumped at the opportunity to chop wood for becca the following morning, needed something to release the tension from his body. it gave him a chance to continue digging through her garage, too.

     and monday morning, he found himself digging through envelopes and paperwork until he found what he was looking for. the letter that had been sent to him at sam’s, an offer to restore a part of him he’d come to accept was gone, had taught himself to live without. maybe as some form of punishment. but he was shifting, something inside him was shifting. he was allowing himself to breathe, to want good things and wish for them to find him. to permit himself one more sense of normalcy.

     he had a date to mark on his calendar for the new year whenever he got it, using the back of the same letter to make note of it until then. he didn’t really know what to expect, just how much of a risk he was taking, but he hoped by then it would all be worth it.

     and that evening, with his secret tucked tightly inside him, they did their usual shopping. bucky had his little list that becca had given him for the upcoming holiday, his neighbor’s cart curiously devoid of any staples. that was until wednesday morning when she approached him as he went to leave for work, her break already started.

     “morning,” he beamed.

     “good morning.”

     her voice carried a slight lilt to it, making him cock an eyebrow.

     “so...” she started, bouncing on her feet. “your sister may or may not have invited me over for thanksgiving.”

     bucky snorted. “she did, huh?”

     “she did. is that okay?”

     his voice shook with a laugh. “i don’t see why not.”

     “okay,” she beamed, bouncing one more time. “we should carpool, right?”

     again, he found himself almost giggling. “right.”

     “she said nine.”

     “of course she did.”

     so they found themselves stepping up onto his sister’s porch bright and early and cold enough to have even bucky hissing through his teeth, her apple pie in tow. he pushed open the door without a knock, quick to usher his neighbor in so she didn’t have to suffer any longer. it was nice and toasty inside, the furnace in the living room going strong thanks to the wood he’d chopped, working with the stove to flood the house with warmth.

     “christ,” becca cursed as she stepped through the living room to see who was busting into her house. “no one knocks anymore?”

     after becca had taken the pie from her, his neighbor held her hands up in surrender and pointed to him before shrugging out of her jacket.

     “what’s there to steal?” he quipped, earning an eye roll.

     “watch your niece. will you help me?”

     his neighbor nodded eagerly, following after his sister into the kitchen and leaving bucky to plop down next to winnie where she was staring at the start of the parade on the tv with a plastic banana sitting in her mouth.

     “you’re gonna have so much good food today, and you wanna eat that?” he teased, prying it gently from her mouth. she babbled at him and hit the banana off of a matching plastic apple. “kid’s got a hell of an arm on her.”

     “i’m training her to kick your ass.”

     from where she’d been placed snapping off the ends of green beans, his neighbor laughed quietly at their bickering.

     becca was busy with seasoning the turkey, commenting, “i got a ten pounder, i hope that’s enough.”

     “she doesn’t eat meat, bec.”

     at her brother’s words, she looked over to his neighbor with her eyes blown wide. “what?” she squawked, “i wish someone had told me! what the hell are you gonna eat?”

     “no, no, it’s alright! i’ll be just fine with everything else.”

     looking back to the giant bird in her hands, becca grumbled, “he’ll eat enough for two or three anyway, so it’s fine.”

     bucky was stuck, forced to watch his sister and neighbor as they bustled around his grandmother’s kitchen, only daring to interrupt them when a certain cartoon beagle graced the screen.

     “your guy’s on,” he called.

     “i know it can’t be who i’m thinking of.”

     bucky laughed, shaking his head as his neighbor practically sprinted through the dining room to catch the balloon before another took its place.

     “oh, thank god,” she sighed, smiling at snoopy making his way through the rainy streets of new york.

     he lost her again, into the storm of his sister and her frantic meal preparations. that was something she got from their grandmother for sure. thanksgiving was always at her house and they ate no later than one in the afternoon. plenty of time in the evening for leftovers and turkey sandwiches at his grandfather’s request.

     more than a few times, him and his neighbor caught each other’s eyes, her equally as starved for him as she gazed over from the kitchen to find him staring back. or watching the television with a slight furrow to his brows. or the one time she looked over and caught him leaning in to where winnie was offering out her plastic banana to him, and bucky took it from her, holding it up to his ear like a telephone.

     “no, i will not accept the charges,” he scoffed, handing the fake fruit back to his niece before she chucked it onto the floor. “atta girl. take the whole thing off the hook.”

     laughing at him, she looked back to the potatoes she was peeling.

     “you know,” becca started, busy with stuffing the turkey. “when we were little, he was always the one to help our mom in the kitchen.”

     “really? so he’s just faking?”

     “exactly,” becca grinned.

     bucky made a show of calling out across the house, “i can hear you two!”

     “so turn the tv up!”

     shaking his head at his sister, he pulled winnie into his lap where she was trying to wiggle her way to him. his eyes found the parade, squinting at the float rolling by. “someone wanna tell me what the hell a jonas brother is?”

     his neighbor laughed again, watching as becca rolled her eyes where she was washing her hands before padding through her home into the living room. she did the same, last of the potatoes peeled and set aside to be washed off.

     “they’re clearly a band,” becca stated, watching the performance.

     “don’t look like one... what the hell is this song?”

     “your disco is dead, jimmy. welcome to the new millennium.”

     bucky’s gaze quickly found his neighbor’s, very clearly bracing for impact.

     “sorry,” she began to grin. “his disco? like, not-just-cher disco?”

     “oh, god, yeah,” becca nodded, “that’s all he listened to.”

     groaning, bucky let his head fall back against the couch. “i did not!”

     “not in front of his friends, maybe. but at home? forget it. he and our mother used to blast diana ross and drive our dad crazy.”

     “really?” she trilled, giving him a devious look.

     bucky took hold of winnie and stood up, giving his neighbor a firm look in return. “are you at a stopping point in there? i want you a minute.”

     “where are you taking her?” becca asked, watching her brother closely.

     “out to the garage. so you can’t mortify me further.”

     “well, give me winnie, it’s too cold.”

     he complied, handing his niece over to her mother and offering his hand out to his neighbor. she took it with a smile, allowing him to guide her back to the mudroom. he didn’t miss the way her smile slipped for a second when he dropped their hands, watching it light back up as he grabbed her jacket and held it out for her to slip into.

     “i wanna mortify myself,” he whispered, pulling open the front door for her.

     she followed him back to the garage, waiting patiently for him to slide open the door and nudge an old box with his boot. eyeing it a second, she looked back to him with a quirk in her brow. bucky simply motioned to it again, grinning encouragingly.

     so she squatted down next to it, carefully prying open the folded flaps to reveal its contents. at the sight, she looked back up to bucky and gasped, “no way.”

     “way,” he smiled.

     she practically squealed in delight, laughing brightly, “oh, my god!”

     he watched her as she pulled out the sonny and cher tour books, wasting no time to open them and reveal the jagged edges from where he’d carved out his opponent. the pages were slightly warped from time and the humidity of the garage in the summer, some of them faded more than others. bucky crouched down beside her just as she’d begun to giggle mischievously.

     “so not the point,” she started, “but these might have been worth something if you hadn’t...” holding up the book, she looked at him through a sonny bono shaped hole.

     bucky laughed, letting her dig further into the box until she reached some of his old toy cars. he watched her face scrunch into a pout, hands delicate where she took one into her palm before looking at him.

     “baby bucky,” she cooed, bottom lip still jutted into a pout.

     another laugh left him, fond and breathy. “you’re too easy.”

     “so cute,” she whined, scrunching her face and pretending to grab at his through the air.

     “i’m not cute.”

     “i beg to differ.”

     he would let her have it, refused to fight her any further on the matter. “c’mon, i wanna show you stuff in the house, too.”

     she let him. let him guide her back inside and slip off her jacket once more. let him keep her out of becca’s clutches while the food was waiting to be prepared. let him walk her through the house he’d spent a fair portion of his childhood growing up in, pointing out furniture and scratches in the walls. in the hall, he showed her pictures of his family over the years, some he wasn’t present for.

     it felt strangely cathartic for him to allow someone to walk through the physical and metaphorical halls of his life without scrutiny or pity. just curious fondness and the same appreciation for times that had come to pass as he himself harbored.

     as he pointed to it, she looked at his senior portrait, eyes flicking back and forth between the photo and the man before her. he wasn’t privy to the way she studied him, too engrossed in the story he was telling about that day the picture was taken. she was grateful for the opportunity to admire him in somewhat secrecy. to look over the fullness to his cheeks and brightness in his eyes in his school photo. to watch as it flickered to life when he suddenly looked to her as he spoke.

     she smiled back, feeling a tightness growing in her chest.

     eventually, she was pulled back to the kitchen, bucky unwilling to part from her and choosing to linger in the archway with beer after beer in his grasp. they stole glances and giggled to themselves at nothing more than the giddiness of attraction. more lulls came and went through the morning, little breaks to watch the parade before it turned into the dog show and was traded for radio as dishes started making their way out of the oven.

     bucky waited for both of them to be sat before he followed, becca at the head of the table with winnie in her highchair beside her and him and his neighbor across from one another. giving them plenty of opportunities to bump toes and lock ankles as they ate.

     “if one of you tries to play footsie with me one more time, i’m flipping this damn table.”

     at becca’s less than threatening words, they both murmured out, “sorry.” their gazes finding each other above hardly guilty grins.

     winnie was mushing her way through the spread of soft foods on her highchair, capturing everyone’s attention as she squealed over the fistful of peas in her grasp, locking eyes with bucky.

     “nuh-uh,” he tutted, ready to block his niece’s attack. “i know that look. keep those peas right where they are.”

     “get him, win,” becca goaded.

     it was the simplicity that they needed to break the dam of conversation, a flood of stories rushing out from each of them as they ate. ones from holidays past and days where nothing special was meant to take place but something had managed to manifest itself anyway. more than a few times becca caused him to cringe, a heat of embarrassment pooling out beneath his skin at the memories his sister had chosen to bring up. he could tell from the look on his neighbor’s face that she wouldn’t be forgetting them anytime soon, either.

     but it was... nice. another box to tick on his checklist of rehabilitation. something more. something less. simple by most standards. bucky still couldn’t help feeling like maybe all of it could be his for more than just a night.

     his sister had been right, he’d eaten enough turkey to justify the size of it, just enough left for sandwiches and leftovers. although, he admitted defeat once he was on the couch, fingers itching to pop open the button to his jeans. he spared his sister, choosing instead to lay back and accept the baby handed off to him.

     light chatter filled the evening, interrupted by becca shouting over the game here and there. her frustrations got the best of her and prompted her to turn on a movie instead, something bucky was familiar with that allowed him to tune out, focused on winnie where she was wobbling on his stomach trying to keep up with the conversations around her.

     he could see it growing darker outside, gave in to temptation when winnie fussed to lay down on his chest so her eyes could slowly droop more and more, bucky quickly following after her.

     his neighbor was the first to notice, didn’t say anything in hopes of letting the moment last more than just a few beats. becca had gone off to clean up the kitchen at some point, leaving the three of them in the contrasting glow of the television and the lamp in the corner. her heart was pounding, flood of emotion filling it almost painfully as she stared down at bucky and the gentle way he’d begun to snore. nothing more than heavy breaths from the slight part of his lips, winnie’s parted just the same.

     she couldn’t help but to retrieve her phone and attempt to take a picture in the unreliable lighting.

     “wait, wait,” becca whispered, startling her slightly. “let me get the camera.”

     so she put her phone away, only after studying the grainy shot she’d captured, watched as his sister snapped several, both of them wincing at the shutter going off. bucky didn’t stir, didn’t even flinch, his hand still planted at winnie’s side and his breathing still heavy with sleep.

     “make me a copy of those when you get them developed.”

     becca looked at her guest, studying the fondness in her eyes as she looked to her brother. “sure... i should probably put her in her crib.”

     nodding, his neighbor waited with bated breath as the baby was removed from his chest, a pinch forming in his brows before it smoothed back out. it wasn’t so late that they needed to get home to bed, but it was definitely late enough for their cats to be pacing around waiting for their feast. so she indulged herself, threading her fingers into his hair gently. he needed a trim, she thought.

     he stirred ever so slowly, blinking up at her until his brain caught up with the world around him.

     “hi,” she breathed quietly.

     bucky took another second, letting feeling flood back into his limbs before he yawned, “turkey coma.”

     she laughed at him, hand still combing through his strands.

     he let out a heavy sigh, shutting his eyes again as he basked in the touch, how good it felt. “that’s nice.”

     hesitantly, she scratched at his scalp lightly, giggling at the soft grunt it made huff out of him. “come on,” she whispered, pulling her hand back. “let’s get home to our devil children.”

     she accepted a hug from becca at the front door, refusing to take the apple pie home with her before giving her thanks and slipping out ahead of bucky. it caused her to miss the look his sister gave to him. bucky squinted back.

     becca squinted back harder. “i’m onto you,” she warned playfully.

     bucky chuckled, “i don’t know what you mean.”

     “mhm. love you.”

     “love you, too.” and with a hug and a kiss to her temple, he left her with a relieved smile on her face.

     their drive home was quiet, comfortably so. flurries of snow started landing on her windshield, melting into nothingness as quickly as they’d formed, whisked away by the squeak of her wipers. it became slush at the edges of the streets, had left the ground damp by the time they pulled up to her house. neither of them moved for a moment, the hum of her car cutting out with a simple twist of her keys as she turned to look at him.

     bucky turned, too, met with a half-bitten smile and eyes gleaming through her glasses. “thanks for indulging my sister,” he offered, feeling his own lips curling into a grin under her watch.

     “oh, you didn’t realize that was all part of my plan to finally see those tour books? and your baby pictures?”

     “oh, really?”

     “mhm,” she nodded, “mission success.”

     laughing, he shook his head and glanced out of her damp windshield, into the stillness of the night and the light of their windows crawling over the grass between their homes. a short but heavy sigh left him before he found his footing. “i lied. i remember what i was thinking about the night of the function.” expecting her patient silence, he looked back to her and tried, “can i tell you later?”

     half-bitten turned bittersweet, the gleam of her eyes somehow never wavering. “of course. i can wait.”

     he knew she could.

     granting him another moment of silence and understanding, she eventually formed a thought worthy of breaking it. “wanna come get a tree with me tomorrow?”

     “yeah, sure.”

     “and then maybe we can have that lighting ceremony.”

     “are they all ready?”

     she pursed her lips and looked up and away from him, twisting her hand in an indecisive motion. bucky only laughed. “they will be. promise.”

     he gazed over at her, envious of where her temple had come to rest against the back of her seat. “i trust you.”

     the air was crisp and fresh when they stepped out into it, his boots hardly sinking into the earth despite the moisture seeping into it. they crossed each other’s paths as they stepped around her car and situated themselves toward their own homes, both turning to face the other, neither wishing to end the evening just yet.

     she knew just over her shoulder her cats were watching impatiently, could see alpine in his window doing the same. but she couldn’t pull her gaze off of him, where the tip of his nose had gone flush in the cold and the way half-melted snowflakes landed in his hair. the urge to squeeze his cheeks and shake him like a rag doll came over her, causing them both to grin at each other despite him not being in on the joke.

     “quit staring at me,” he said.

     her tongue moved faster than her brain. “make me.”

     bucky’s eyes squinted at her, concealing the heat that started to burn within them before he reached out and took hold of her arm through her jacket, tugging her in close. he watched as she stared up at him, eyes wide and lips twitching. it was almost too much fun to lean in even closer and whisper to her, “night, sweetheart.”

     her frown was maybe a bit dramatic when he pulled back, giving him just enough time to witness it before it flipped back into a grin. “night... cutie.”

     she was quick, slipping out of his hold and narrowly avoiding his grasp again, leaving it to hang in the air before he clenched his fist. she didn’t turn back until she was safely on her porch, beaming at him through her screen door, practically glowing when his tongue came out to poke against his top lip as he huffed through his smirk.

     they were getting way ahead of themselves, needed to dial it back some before they boiled over and did something reckless.

     another groan ripped up his throat as he tried to pry his arm free, teeth clenched so tightly he could hear them grinding together. his breathing was growing labored, more than he thought he was even capable of anymore, from exertion and something else he had no recollection of ever feeling.

     fear. more than fear. he was petrified and trembling, sweat coating his body from head to toe, stomach flipping and dropping and leaving him queasy where he was restrained to the metal chair beneath him.

     when he first came to, he thought it was his execution. thought that the contraption he was bound to was going to fry him into nothingness, signal the end of his usefulness to his handlers. but by some miracle or some curse, he was still alive, left to struggle against the machinery that subdued him and choke on his own desperate sobs. every so often, his eyes would bounce frantically around the room, searching out the gazes of those he could feel on him through the mirrors surrounding him. with another wrecked whine, he strained against his bindings, letting out a shout of agony at the tension on his flesh.

     the click of a door stopped him, breath coming raggedly when he looked over to it and watched as armed men filed in and flanked the door for another to enter. the third man’s eyes were soft, almost pained, falling over him in a way that made him grow even more terrified, made him double down on his efforts to free himself.

     “buck...”

     his head twitched away from the voice, from the name, brows furrowing in a blinding rage to try and singe away the feeling welling inside him.

     “buck, it’s me.”

     “leave me alone!” he roared, crown of his skull cracking off the back of the chair as he slammed it and squeezed his eyes shut.

     “look at me.”

     with a tremble to his lips, he continued fighting to free himself, eyes opening from the fear of the unseen. they fell on the man as he took a step closer. the noise that escaped him was pathetic, dripping with vulnerability and distress, another quick jerk of his head shielding him from the throbbing that began in his temples.

     “you know me.”

     “no, i don’t!” he screamed, voice cracking under his own frailty.

     “yes, you do. your name is james barnes. you met me sixteen years ago through our friend. steve rogers. you remember him?”

     panting, he shook his head, trying to stop the thoughts racing through it more than give an answer. the fresh wave of panic sent adrenaline spiking in his veins, had him finally causing his restraints to groan under the force of his struggling.

     the two armed men stepped forward, causing the other to hold his hands out to halt them.

     “it’s me, buck. it’s sam. i know you remember me.”

     “no, i don’t!”

     finally, the metal around his wrist popped, sending him flying forward with a swing. each of the men before him jumped back, his spine aching with the force of him falling against the chair. the skin around his wrist was raw and red, peeled off in his thrashing. his fingers clawed at the device around his left arm, slipping from the sweat drenching his palm, nails ready to rip up and off from the pressure he applied when he managed to catch on a hinge.

     “buck, stop!”

     another pained yell ripped out of his throat as he fell forward, using his weight to try and pry himself loose. by whatever means necessary. whatever it took to get him away from the man in front of him and the visions consuming his mind. the realization that he couldn’t break free of his own thoughts had him crying out, the sizzling and popping of electricity where his mechanical bicep met its restraint muted beneath his wails as they reverberated off the walls.

     “stop!”

     hands pressed to his chest, attempting to push him back against the chair. he was flinging the man across the room before he even realized it, staring at him as he tried to collect himself. the cock of guns drew his gaze forward, fingers pinching triggers staring back at him.

     “no! don’t! buck, you gotta snap out of it! you gotta-”

     another man flew into the room, yelling orders at the armed men that were drowned out by more of his screams, the piercing sound of metal tearing making each of them cringe under the assault to their senses.

     “help him! he’s gonna tear himself apart!”

     “the sedative, now!”

     “buck, stop!”

     “no!”

     his shout seemed to go on forever. as he finally felt the pressure mount and his body fall into shock, hitting the floor in front of him with a heavy thud. he gasped into the sterile tiles, numb to the unnatural angle of his legs, ankles still bound in place.

     a prick at his neck caused him to wince, body almost immediately slumping further and his vision beginning to blur.

     the cuffs around his ankles clicked open, hands working to roll him onto his back as he laid there broken and limp. his head had lolled to the side, blurry sight of silver ripped apart and left jagged going in and out of focus before his skull was righted and aimed at a familiar face.

     “sam...”

     “i’m here, buck, i got you. i got you. it’s over.”

~

     “this thing doesn’t work.”

     from the kitchen, she rolled her eyes and called back, “i promise it does.”

     a few times while he was sitting at her desk, bucky heard a cheery dinging going off, making him furrow his brows each time and lift his hand away from the mouse. when it went off again, he sat back and gave up. “what am i doing?”

     her laugh echoed in her hall slightly as she padded to her room, coming to stand over him. “the noise?” she watched bucky nod, laughing again when she bent over to take hold of the mouse. “nothing, it’s my friend sending me stuff.”

     he watched as she clicked on a couple things, pulling up a window full of messages and little moving pictures.

     “there,” she nodded after closing back out of everything. her decision to continue hovering was vindicated when bucky slowly started to drag the mouse back over the screen and punch in each letter one at a time, looking up between each one, once he found the search bar. “want me to do it?”

     “please.”

     she laughed again as she leaned over, hesitating at the idea that popped into her head before deciding to perch herself on his knee. “what’s it called?”

     when bucky had mentioned having trouble finding a certain part for the bike he was working on, and she had told him to try looking for it on her computer, he hadn’t anticipated the weight of her sinking onto his thigh. how it differed from the way she felt in his dreams. how the blue from the screen bounced off her, catching on the peach fuzz along her face and creating a glow as she looked back to him.

     “what?” he strained.

     “the part you’re looking for, what’s it called?”

     bucky caught his gaze slipping again, forcing it back to hers before clearing his throat and grabbing the sheet of paper off her desk. she read over his writing quickly and typed it in even quicker, making the screen fill in with pictures of just what he was looking for.

     “lots of listings on ebay...”

     “what?”

     she giggled, “it’s like an auction. people sell their old stuff and you can bid on it.”

     “can’t i just buy it?”

     humming, she scrolled down a little and looked over each listing. “um... this one looks like you can. wanna get it?”

     bucky just nodded, watched on like he had not one ounce of brain left in him until she was looking at him once more and the corners of her lips twitched up when she saw him staring at them.

     “got it from here?” she asked.

     his head shook, fingers flexing where he stopped them from reaching out and grabbing onto her to keep her seated.

     “oh, my god,” she teased, “how do you not know how to use a computer? isn’t the military, like, all digitized now?”

     “online shopping wasn’t exactly the kinda tech they had me using.”

     “mhm...”

     so she started filling in his info for him, listening when he told her to have it sent to the shop, ignorant to the way he drank her in like he’d been stranded in the desert his whole life and she was a fresh spring. her lips pulled to the side as her teeth sank into her cheek, eyes focused on her screen. he made sure she wasn’t going to turn and catch him before he let his gaze start down her throat, circling the neck of her sweatshirt where it was stretched from age and use, granting him the sight of a sliver of skin fresh from her shower. he swallowed around his sigh, dropping his palm onto the thigh not supporting her, forcing it to stay in place no matter how badly he wanted to just reach out. to feel the thick cotton pool over her skin as he ran his hand up her side and pulled her back against his chest.

     how would she react? would she let him plant his lips over that sliver of heated skin right below her neck? would she tense up, or would she let her head fall back onto his shoulder and let him watch as her legs parted for him?

     “oh, they’re right in ohio. it’ll probably be here next week.”

     “great,” he croaked, “thanks.”

     get up. stay put.

     when she turned slightly to lean into him, bucky heard his own gasp, trying to cover it with a dry clearing of his throat.

     “you smell... different.”

     he stared at her, heart pounding in his chest and fingers digging into his thigh. “bad?”

     she shook her head at him before pulling back. “no, no, just... different.”

     and then, to his horror and relief in equal measures, she stood up from his lap, prompting him to sit back and gaze up at her. “i’ve been, uh, trying to cut back on the smoking.”

     “oh, really?”

     “yeah,” he nodded. “with being around the baby and...” he trailed off, staring at her and hesitating on his confession before he finally retreated and looked away. “alpine.”

     watching as bucky’s cheeks tinted the tiniest bit pink, she giggled and looked away herself. her own face felt hot from her bold decision, stomach still flipping at the lingering feel of him ghosting along her back. god, they were both so lame.

     in the silence and stillness, the timer on her oven had gone off, prompting them to make their way back out into her kitchen. bucky remained quiet, more contemplative than awkward from their previous encounter. it made her worry at her cheek again, insecurity welling up enough for her to speak up as she plated their dinner.

     “what’s going on in that head of yours?”

     bucky looked up from his food, shaking his head. “no, it’s nothing. i’m- my friend i talk about, sam, he, uh... well, i told you he worked for the va, right?” she nodded around her mouthful. “i guess he’s holding some kind of...event. like a fundraiser for wounded vets. he asked me to come speak at it.”

     setting her fork down, she watched him a moment before asking, “thinking about whether or not you wanna do it?”

     “yeah,” he laughed breathily. “he’d understand if i didn’t, but... i don’t know. i feel kind of like i owe it to him, even though i know he wouldn’t see it like that. and also, there’s a part of me that maybe wants to. might be good for me.”

     even if he held some things back, he could try and show other guys like himself that life isn’t over. that you can get out and live, get the help you need. build connections and maybe even find love. slow, tentative, unfamiliarly familiar love.

     pushing his fork through the sauce on his plate, he shook his head. “but then i gotta ask becca to watch her majesty for a few days, and she’s already so exhausted with work and the baby... i don’t know.”

     “i think it’d be nice,” his neighbor chirped, meeting his gaze when he looked up. “you should go. i can watch her majesty.”

     bucky felt his lips curling into a smile, tried to hide it by wiping at it with his shoulder and letting his eyes fall over to where alpine was sitting up on the kitchen counter nearest the living room with his neighbor’s cat. the pair of them were staring down at her boy, silently judging him after coming to a somewhat professional agreement during the week. they didn’t have to be best friends yet, but they could gang up to put the boy back in his place when he got too rowdy.

     “you sure?”

     laughing at the sight of their cats, his neighbor nodded. “i’m sure. i’ll bring her back over to your house when i’m gone so there’s no turf wars. it’ll be fine.”

     bucky could only smile at her, feeling it in his muscles when his face softened into the mush of affection that seemed to come more and more frequently as of late.

     there’d been a few times where he felt something in their relationship make a definitive shift, a turn down a new road that led further and further toward a place he was still maybe a little scared of. but he couldn’t reverse, couldn’t find a spot in the road wide enough for him to turn around even if he wanted to.

     so the following week, he got everything ready. packed a bag for himself and one for alpine’s sleepover. got a laugh from his neighbor for being an overly-prepared parent. left her the money for the part she’d bought with her card and a little extra in case of an emergency. and had becca drop him off at the airport in indy. where he got to experience the joys of getting through tsa with a metal shoulder.

     but all was worth it, perhaps, when a beaming smile was waiting for him outside the terminal.

     “come give papa a hug!”

     there was just enough time for bucky to let out a snort before sam’s arms were wrapping around him and nearly lifting him off the concrete. “alright, alright, easy, man!” he laughed, clapping his hand to sam’s back and indulging in the contact for a moment.

     sam pulled back first, grinning at bucky before he noted, “you look good, buck.”

     bucky ran his hand through the side of his hair, scratched at his beard a little under the proud gaze of his friend. “not even five minutes, and you’re hitting on me. gonna be a long weekend.”

     shoving at him playfully, sam nodded to his car and made his way back around to the driver’s side. “wanna grab a few drinks?”

     “yeah,” bucky sighed, tossing his backpack onto the floor between his feet before buckling himself in.

     “fair warning,” sam started, pulling away from the curb. “john’s there.”

     the groan bucky let out was guttural, head slamming back against the seat.

     “try and go easy on him. olivia kicked him out.”

     that made bucky pull himself together from his mild tantrum, sympathetic look twisting his features. “shit...”

     “he’s been staying by me for the time being. looking forward to this weekend like i’m taking him to disney.”

     bucky chuckled sadly. “don’t you ever get tired of collecting sad old men?”

     “nah. keeps me young.”

~

     the hotel bar was already full of people showing up for the event, guys in hats with different medals on them and worn looks on their faces. him and sam had stowed away in a corner with their beers, catching up on the parts of the past few months that didn’t fit quite right into simple phone calls. his curiosity had gotten the best of him, made him press for details on john and olivia’s split. it was the same old story, one that he was dreading having to hear. because if john couldn’t make it work, how the hell was he supposed to?

     “i think they can work it out,” sam stated confidently.

     “don’t do me any favors.”

     “i’m not. i’m just sayin’.” taking another sip of his drink, sam studied his friend a moment, already aware of the reason he was so interested in their otherwise uninteresting friend. he set his beer down and allowed his tone to go slightly teasing. “how’s your neighbor?”

     bucky sighed, fighting the smirk creeping over his face. “that obvious, huh?” sam shrugged. “she’s... good. watching alpine for me while i’m here.”

     “sounds serious.”

     shaking his hair out, he tucked it neatly back behind his ear, catching his gaze going soft at the thought of her fingers running through it a month prior. maybe it was time for a trim when he got back. sam’s laugh alerted him that he’d been caught. “we have dinner on fridays,” he confessed, “watch movies and tv shows and go grocery shopping together after work on monday. it’s not... serious. but it doesn’t exactly feel casual anymore.”

     “uh-oh.”

     “what?”

     sam laughed, reaching for his beer again. “you’ve got that look on like you’re about to pull some excuse out of your ass.”

     huffing a laugh of his own, bucky tapped his bottle to the table. “can you blame me? you just told me how america’s golden boy couldn’t even get it together enough to hold onto his girl.”

     “john’s not america’s golden boy, buck. he was a victim. just like you.”

     and bucky knew that. deep down inside, he didn’t hold any kind of grudge or harbor any resentment. he knew the choice he’d made to defy the orders given to them wasn’t one every person could stomach. but maybe a part of him still thought john seeing the light meant he wasn’t as haunted by their captivity. maybe that was wishful thinking.

     “just gotta keep working,” sam spoke quietly. “every day. wake up and choose to keep going.”

     bucky nodded. “i know- i do. it’s just... do you ever... think about just... where we are in life?”

     “how do you mean?”

     “i mean... look at us. well, look at me.” he laughed, but it was dry, slightly bitter around the tang of beer on his tongue. “forty years old, in a completely new millennium, and... not- not a fucking thing to show for it.” before sam could try and argue with him, point out all his ‘successes,’ he kept going, letting his thoughts pour out of him all at once. “i know, i know, i’m working on myself. i’ve got family and alpine and a place of my own, and i go to work, and blah blah blah. i’m saying... milestones. or- or... christ, i don’t know. a family- my family. like... wife, kids. house with a yard that isn’t just meant to be a barricade for neighbors. just... belongings. i don’t even have hobbies.”

     “buck, breathe.”

     “i’m breathing, sam. i’m breathing. it just feels like i’m not doing much else sometimes. like... like i’m stuck back there and time just keeps going and there’s nothing i can do to stop it or catch up to it. fifteen years is a lot to miss out on.”

     “so don’t miss anything else.”

     his friend’s words sat with him a moment, heavy and light all at the same time. sam was right, he couldn’t go back, he couldn’t change a single thing about the missing years of his life. but now, this life, the one he finally got to live...

     “you want her?” sam asked.

     bucky nodded shyly.

     “so what’s stopping you?”

     “honestly?” he laughed, “nothing. not even myself anymore. i want her, i want to be with her, i-i just... don’t remember how to bump and grind, as you so eloquently put it.”

     sam barked a laugh, earning a few eyes on them. “whatever your awkward ass is doing seems to be working on her just fine.”

     bucky couldn’t help the grin tugging at his lips as he thought of all the times he’d made his neighbor grown flustered, caught her eyes wandering over him when she thought he wasn’t looking. “i know...”

     “hey, keep it in your pants, old man.” sam watched bucky shake his head and chuckle one more time before they got serious again. “you given anymore thought to that offer? the one from the place that did your treatment?”

     sucking his teeth, bucky shrugged, thinking back to the letter he’d received when he was still taking shelter with sam. how he’d been almost furious with his friend at the time for butting into his life in such a way. it was shame more than genuine anger.

     “i don’t know,” he started, adjusting his shoulders and feeling the weight of his left. “i wasn’t exactly thrilled at the idea. but recently...”

     “two hands would go a lot further in the bedroom.”

     “come on, man,” he grimaced, shaking his head at the implication. “but... yeah, something like that. just- i guess i had kind of given up before... before... whatever.”

     “alright, alright,” sam laughed, “easy, white chocolate. don’t go busting a clogged emotional artery.”

     “fuckin’ walker, man,” bucky snorted, trying to play off his own emotions. “not even here and he’s messing with my head.”

     sam laughed and pushed their beers to the end of the table, letting the chatter of the bar fill the silence between them. he could tell there was something rolling around in bucky’s brain still.

     “what about the kid?”

     “john’s kid?” when bucky nodded, sam sat back, a wave of understanding washing over him. “he sees him. still young enough that he won’t remember this time for what it is.”

     the ring of moisture left from his beer smeared across the wood as bucky slid his finger through it, circling it as he thought over his next words. “becca’s got a kid...”

     “i know,” sam said, “that’s why you left me.”

     bucky’s laugh was short, something akin to embarrassment tickling at the back of his neck. “i... my neighbor and i talked about something last week that... it made me think about that- about kids, having them. you know, those... tests they ran on me. nothing... nothing ever came from them, so i just... wonder.”

     sam nodded despite his friend’s eyes remaining anywhere but on him. “they’ve got tests for everything nowadays. even that.”

     “i know.”

     “discussing kids with her already?”

     another short laugh huffed out of bucky before he finally looked to his friend. “not exactly. not how you’re thinking.” they both shared a full laugh, sam raising his hands in surrender. “seems like more and more of a gamble anyway. walker, becca... and the kids are just caught in the middle.”

     “she still hasn’t heard from that asshole?”

     shaking his head, bucky felt his jaw set at the mention of his brother-in-law. “not that she’s told me about. but that could just be because she knows i’ll fly off the handles.”

     “yeah, i bet that makes you wanna come outta retirement, don’t it?”

     bucky cocked a brow at sam. “don’t know if retirement is what i’d call it, jackass. but that bastard better not show up again, i’ll tell you that much.” a familiar head of hair stopped him from continuing his thought, brows furrowing in annoyance. “oh, hell...”

     “what the hell, man? no one thought to tell me you guys were here?”

     john made himself at home, shoving onto the booth beside bucky and causing his scowl to deepen.

     “how’ve you been, buck? you never call me.”

     “don’t call me that, walker.” a boot jabbed into his shin, sam’s eyes firm with warning when he looked over. bucky sighed, raking his hand through his hair. “i’m fine, john. good to see you.”

     the blond smiled and took up one of the forgotten bottles of beer. “sam tell you we’re all bunking together? it’ll be just like old times! well, with sam there, too, now.”

     bucky couldn’t force a smile. “i can’t wait.”

~

     “...and now i find myself here. fifteen years gone by, and i wasn’t there for any of them. waking up every day in a body that aches more than a few times a week, shaving a beard with more gray in it than brown. my chest looks like an old carpet...”

     an echo of laughter filled the ballroom, making bucky smile amid his nerves.

     “but i’m here, you know? i made it out. and i don’t want to be that scared twenty year old anymore. i lived. i wanna live.”

     he couldn’t hear much of the applause he received, too busy finding his way out of the spotlights on the stage and down toward the refreshments. he downed a glass of champagne, wishing it was beer, wishing it could have some effect on him. wishing sam wasn’t such a superstar so he could cling to his side to brave the crowd surrounding him.

     “that was beautiful.”

     at the voice, bucky turned and found the woman waiting at his side, her own glass balanced daintily in her hand. “thanks,” he nodded, caught off guard when she took a step closer.

     she offered her name and her hand for him to shake. “i work with sam. he’s mentioned you quite a bit, but i’ve been looking forward to meeting you in person.”

     “oh. yeah, it’s... nice meeting you, too.”

     and bucky wasn’t stupid, wasn’t completely oblivious. he could sense what she was throwing his way the more she spoke to him. the way her hand lingered on his bicep just a second too long when she laughed at something he didn’t even mean as a joke. he could tell. he just didn’t care.

     it was almost overwhelming how disinterested he found himself, mind more than once drifting off to the yellow glow of a living room window and the silhouettes of two cats sitting in it. he wondered if it was three at that moment, if his neighbor was already curled up on her couch watching television, or if she was just finishing up dinner.

     he had to excuse himself. suddenly the suit becca had gotten for him, that once fit so perfectly, grew stuffy and constricting. he sought out exit signs, practically stumbling until he was bursting onto the sidewalk into the crisp autumn air. he’d have to get the suit dry cleaned before he went home, prayed the smell would come out, but he couldn’t help the way his hand dug around for his cigarettes.

     he’d wandered around to the side of the hotel, slumping against the wall as he took his first drag.

     the burn of smoke into his lungs did little to distract from the race of his mind. he couldn’t stop thinking of her, his neighbor, his friend... something else. flashes of her played behind his eyes every time he attempted to close them, flickering past when his crown fell back against the sturdy brick behind him. what if there was a world out there were she’d accompanied him? been his date, living proof of his healing? he wondered if she would have been shy in the sea of people, found safety tucked against his side.

     exhaling a thick cloud, he let his hand fall, side of his palm grazing over the rough brick.

     would he have needed a smoke if she was with him? would she have joined him outside if he had? he thought of what she would have worn, how she would have looked pressed against the outer walls of the hotel, whether or not she would have pushed him away if he caged her in and ducked into her space.

     fuck. he was fucked.

     stamping the pitiful butt of his cigarette beneath his boot, he reached for another. so much for trying to cut back.

     sam found him almost immediately when he stepped back inside, already starting to wrap up whatever conversation he was having to make his way over to his friend. there was a pit of guilt inside bucky when he saw the flashes of worry and relief on sam’s face, growing deeper when he finally cleared his throat to speak.

     “i’m gonna head up.”

     sam gave him half a smile. “alright, man. not gonna join me and your bff at the bar after?”

     at his words, they both looked over to where sam was motioning to john shoving more than a couple pigs in a blanket in his mouth. bucky shook his head and let out a short laugh. “no, thanks. i’m... tired.”

     sam eyed him, suspicion going from concerned to devious in barely a second. “give her my regards.”

     “you’re an asshole.”

     but unfortunately, he was a very correct asshole, as all bucky was thinking about was getting a phone in his hand. maybe if he had listened to becca and gotten one of those cells...

     the hotel room glowed yellow, reminded him of a window. it made him grin to himself as he shuffled over to the bed he’d claimed, closest to the balcony and with a telephone waiting for him on the nightstand. his stomach hung over the knot in his towel slightly when he sat down, droplets of water cascading down his back from the ends of his hair. yeah, he’d ask for a trim when he got back.

     the number he dialed had only become familiar fairly recently, her landline traded for her cell so they could chew each other’s ears off as she busied herself with her evening routine. one ring... two rings... three rings... and then...

     “hello?”

     “hey,” he breathed, letting his muscles melt too far for him to tense into a cringe at his own voice.

     “hey! how’s it going? how was the event?”

     nuzzling slightly into the handset, bucky hummed for a second before swallowing thickly. “it wasn’t bad... lot of schmoozing.”

     her laugh crackled down the line. “you’re allowed to say you’re enjoying yourself, you know.”

     “ha...” plastic strained under his palm, coiled cord brushing at his forearm as he sat back against the pillows. “how’s my girl?”

     “hm?”

     “a-alpine,” he sputtered, earning another laugh from her.

     “she’s fine. curled up next to my leg. they’ve all been getting along fairly well, if you exclude the minor scuffle over a spot on the back of the couch after dinner.”

     bucky chuckled, again letting the mouthpiece rub against his chin as if it were a palm. her palm. “bunch of scrappers.”

     “raised on the streets.”

     “mm,” he hummed in agreement, letting a comfortable silence fall over them briefly. if he focused hard enough, he could hear each breath she took, the gentle huff of her exhales. or maybe he was imagining it after growing so accustomed to hearing it as they lounged on her couch. “guys are down at the bar... i wasn’t really up to it.”

     “no?” she chirped, “how come?”

     bucky caught himself smiling from ear to ear at just hearing her voice, wished he could have had it sooner to keep from ripping through a quarter of a pack of smokes. “someone’s gotta be responsible, right?”

     “aw, look at you,” she cooed, “being the dad friend. daddy bucky.”

     the plastic squeaked in his hold from where his grip had grown damp. “yeah.” because he couldn’t say much else. couldn’t be sure that the lilt in her tone was real enough to bait her further.

     a muffled noise came through the phone, something like rustling or shuffling before she let out a content sigh.

     bucky took another breath to steady himself before commenting, “sounds like you’re having a good night.”

     again, she laughed, quieter and with slightly less energy. “you ever just move or, like, stretch and lay a certain way, and you get this feeling like, ‘this is the most comfortable i have ever been or will ever be’?”

     his cheeks twitched, corners of his mouth curling. “yeah, sometimes.”

     she simply hummed, the sound drifting off into another pleased sigh. “so... what’re you wearing?”

     her words had caught him so off guard, frozen him so still in place for a moment, that he thought perhaps he’d hallucinated them, tried to fight his laugh until it barked out of him against his will. “uh...” the pitch of his laughter grew nervous as he looked down at his body through his loose towel. “next question.”

     maybe the lilt in her tone had been there.

     “pleading the fifth, huh?” she hummed when she got no response. “alright then. keep your secrets.”

     bucky grinned to himself, feeling the heat behind his cheeks spread out to his ears.

     “did you eat?”

     “did i eat?” he repeated, smile turning soft. “that’s your follow-up?”

     “yep.”

     the pillow behind him was surely going to be soaked, but he’d steal one from sam’s bed if he had to, sinking further into it and letting his voice drop lower. “yes, sweet girl. there was dinner at the function, and i took full advantage of the refreshments table.”

     “good.”

     quiet. his stomach clenched as he watched his towel jump slightly at the sound of her sheets rustling again. quiet. almost enough for him to hesitate, dipping his voice even lower to keep it from echoing in the room too much. “what’re you wearing?” he tried, having to adjust the handset again under his sweaty palm.

     “that smokey the bear sweatshirt,” she answered, hoping he couldn’t sense her hesitation as her feet fidgeted under her covers. “and some... panties.”

     bucky grunted, causing her thighs to rub against one another. “old smokey’s got you pantsless in bed, and i’m gonna be sleeping next to two guys snoring their heads off... how’d that happen?”

     as soon as the words left his mouth, he wished he could inhale hard enough to suck them back in.

     “the price you pay for being a superhero.”

     there was that lilt again, causing her words to drip down through the phone and straight onto the nape of his neck. a noise from deep in his chest rumbled up, caught in the thick of his throat. “i’m no superhero. and i definitely don’t wanna be now. not for that price.” she laughed breathily, he could almost see it, started to imagine her eyes following his, all hooded and hungry. “i, uh...” he swallowed, blinking away the last of his reservations. “i was thinking about you. at the function.”

     “yeah?”

     god, she sounded like a dream. even through the static of distance. “yeah. and when i stepped out for a second, too.”

     “missing me, bucky?”

     that breathy way she said his name... his own eyes were growing hooded, if only from the sear of heat behind them.

     “what... what were you thinking about?”

     “that outfit you wore on your date,” he spat out, letting some other part of him take over. the part that knew exactly what it was doing, had danced a thousand times before, found confidence again behind the shield of the telephone. “you wearing it- something similar to it-”

     “if i’d come with you?” there was a crack in her voice, still slightly unsure of where they both stood.

     “yeah, sweetheart.”

     the ache in his voice was... she had to shut her eyes, tilting the phone away from her mouth so he couldn’t hear the way her breathing had suddenly grown heavy.

     “thought about how it- your bod- you. how you would feel against me. what it’d be like, what you’d do if i pinned you to-”

     the jiggle of the doorknob caused him to jump, waking up from the trance he’d slipped into.

     “fuck...”

     two familiar forms had fallen into the room, bucky quick to sit back up and swing his legs over the bed, painfully aware of his towel. and what sat beneath it.

     “bucky?”

     “i’m here,” he croaked.

     “gotta piss,” john groaned.

     sam, clearly inebriated, shushed him harshly. “he’s on the phone,” he attempted to whisper, collapsing onto his bed once he could no longer cling onto john.

     bucky heard his neighbor giggling down the line, but found no amusement in the manchildren interrupting his conversation. “christ,” he grimaced, “we’re forty.”

     “you’re forty!” sam spat, “y’all’re just mad ’cause you can’t get drunk no more... not like me...”

     the venom to his words dwindled out into a giggle before fading completely and making bucky think he had passed out. before he could speak up again, attempt to salvage the phone call with his neighbor, john stomped back out of the bathroom and looked dead at his exposed torso.

     “jesus, that thing is gnarly.” as john fell onto the bed beside him, bucky watched as a grin spread across his face. “who’re you talking to, buck?”

     “it’s his fine ass neighbor,” sam, still awake, gushed.

     “ohh,” john sing-songed, wiggling his brows and causing bucky’s to set into a scowl.

     risking the slip of his towel, bucky stood from the bed and made for the balcony, stretching the phone cord to its limits to slip through the sliding door and out into the frigid night. “you still there?”

     “yes,” she giggled.

     “sorry about the swarm of fuckin’ morons.”

     she continued to laugh softly. “it’s okay.”

     “standing outside in nothing but a towel just to get away from them.”

     “so you’re wearing a towel?”

     bucky paused, caught in every sense of the word as a breeze whipped past and made him press against the railing to keep from giving anyone in the parking lot a show. “uh... yeah. yeah, i’m... wearing a towel.”

     “ah, so those two snoring guys get you in a towel and i’m stuck with our cats. how did that happen?”

     he could kill john, that he was sure of. maybe knock sam on his ass. there was also a strong possibility that they were only being so forward because of the level of almost anonymity. it was easy to flirt and push the boundaries of their relationship when there was no looming pressure to look perfect, to make the perfect move.

     his tongue had just begun to curl into a word when she spoke up again.

     “i don’t want you to get sick, though, so...”

     “i won’t get sick.”

     she laughed, breathy and soft like she was stuck between sleep and the same heat that was curling in bucky’s stomach.

     “right,” she drawled. “i’ll see you on...”

     “sunday. i’m flying home sunday.”

     “alright then. sunday.” another gentle giggle before she breathed, “good luck with the swarm, daddy.”

     bucky felt his lips curl, a warmth spreading out beneath his cheeks again despite the cold. “really?” he huffed, “as i stand here, ass in the breeze?”

     she snickered, “get your little buns back inside.”

     “no, no,” he rasped, “i don’t take orders from you, sweetheart.”

     “no? that’s a shame. i had so many plans.”

     glancing over his shoulder, relieved to see both his roommates passed out, bucky held the phone closer. “such as?”

     “hm... you’ll see.” she shuffled again, smiling through her yawn when she heard the frustrated groan from her neighbor. “smokey and i are getting tired.”

     “yeah, yeah. get some rest. brat.”

     “you, too, superhero.”

     bucky grimaced, a laugh managing to slip through anyway. “night, sweet girl.”

     “goodnight, bucky.”

     he heard the line click, fell onto his forearm on the railing and brought the top of the handset to his lips. another gust of wind blew by, carrying his disbelieving huff with it, pricking his skin with goosebumps. or maybe it wasn’t the wind but rather the lingering sound of her voice in the back of his mind, buried shallowly under images of her bundled up in bed, surrounded by their cats in the most painful taunt of normalcy, of domesticity. he hoped one day there would be enough room for him.

     the sliding door snapped into place behind him, phone clicking back onto its cradle as he stared down at the blond spread across his bed, already snoring.

     “if either of you choke on your own puke tonight, i’m not helping.”

~

     sunday couldn’t come soon enough. to escape from john, to avoid sam’s knowing glances. to get back to the comfort of his own home and the glow of a window with a certain someone inside it.

     becca picked him up, bombarded him with a million and one questions, told him he needed a trim. he expected it, braced for it, chose to sit in the back with winnie in hopes of avoiding some of it. but the playful squeals of his niece could only do so much to drown out her mother’s voice.

     the farmlands between shelbyville and indy faded quickly, rising into the familiar streets that winded back home. he’d agreed to have their usual sunday dinner at her house, but made her promise not to keep him long. he had to get home. to alpine.

     they pulled up outside his house in the glow right before the sun set, a smile tugging onto bucky’s lips as he spotted his neighbor messing with an endless stream of cords.

     “try to be subtle,” becca grinned, wiping the smile right off her brother’s face when she unbuckled her seatbelt.

     groaning, he undid his own and practically fell out of the car to try and win the race to his neighbor, becca hindered by having to pry winnie from her carseat.

     the slam of car doors and boots falling over the dry grass behind her finally caught his neighbor’s attention, her head turning to him before her body as she stopped messing with the string of lights she’d been untangling.

     “hey,” he breathed, cheeks beginning to ache with the force of his smile.

     her own widened, reaching her eyes as her nose scrunched playfully. “hey, you.”

     and it became abundantly clear that it had in fact been the telephone that made him so bold, allowed his charm to flow so freely. because standing before her, he was as endearing as a rock, frozen like a statue and unable to form anything other than a strained, “alpine?”

     she laughed, fondness still flooding her gaze before it flickered over to his house. “turn around.” bucky did so, slowly, reluctant to look away from her, but eventually finding the pad of pink toes pressed to his living room window as alpine watched him excitedly. “i just brought her over. don’t keep a lady waiting.”

     finding her eyes again, bucky nodded almost shyly. his feet didn’t seem to want to move, not until he could hear becca approaching, and was rushed into escape. as much as it turned his stomach and set his spine rigid thinking of his sister pestering his neighbor all alone.

     alpine’s cries grew more and more frantic until he finally popped open the door and slipped in before she could slip out. she rubbed and rubbed and pawed and yowled, not satisfied until he was knelt down rubbing her from head to tail and back again.

     “did you have fun on your little sleepover?” he cooed, getting a shaky meow in response from how hard she’d begun to purr.

     standing back up, he set his bag on his dining chair and chanced a peek through the window. both women were chatting normally. though, why bucky expected anything else was beyond him. his neighbor was letting winnie play with the lights in her hand, watching carefully that the baby didn’t pull them into her mouth. he chuckled, stepping away to make alpine’s dinner.

     by the time he finished and got his bag unpacked, his sister was gone, leaving only his neighbor stood beside her house as he approached again.

     she was just starting to climb up the ladder, his ladder he noticed, when he got close. her head turned to look at him, foot slipping and sending him shooting forward to grab onto the back of her jacket.

     “these boots,” she grumbled, using his steadying hold to slip out of them and let them tumble to the ground.

     bucky nudged them to the side, watching the character on her socks curl over the rung she was on, hand unmoving from her back.

     “glad to be home?” she asked, digging into the pocket of her jacket for a clip to snap the string of lights into place on her roof.

     his palm moved on its own, sliding across her lower back soothingly as he stared up at her. “yeah. be nice to sleep in a room by myself again.”

     she laughed, repeating her action until she couldn’t reach any further and made her descent.

     they fell into a groove, bucky supporting her as she went up and down and hung up her lights in between moving the ladder along. both had the thought that it was usually the ladder itself someone would hold onto to assist, but neither commented on his choice to admire the fabric of her jacket instead.

     the sun slowly got closer and closer to the earth, eventually leaving them with nothing but the streetlights and glow of her window to guide them. she’d been at the end anyway, dusting her hands off as she admitted, “should have started a little earlier.”

     “gonna light them?”

     her lips pursed as she thought for a second. “mm... no. when they’re all up, i’ll hold a big ceremony.”

     bucky chuckled, watching her pack her things back into the plastic tub they’d come from and drag it onto her porch.

     “thanks for lending me the ladder.”

     “of course,” he laughed again, eyes dropping to her playful smile. “anytime.”

     she stared at him a moment, seeming to think something over in the quiet between them. “do you... did you have dinner?”

     “i did.”

     nodding, she tucked her hands into her pockets and looked up at him through her lashes. “want dessert?”

     bucky swallowed, once again finding her lips. “yeah.”

     it wasn’t exactly what he thought. he didn’t know what exactly he thought. but somehow he found himself sitting on a blanket in the plot between them, a tiny travel grill that was probably as old as she was placed in front of them.

     “and how would you like your marshmallow cooked this evening, miss?”

     she giggled, “medium, please.”

     bucky smiled, setting the skewer over the soft embers of charcoal.

     “how do you take yours?” she asked, starting to get the rest of her s’more together as she waited.

     “i go about medium, too,” he nodded, spinning the marshmallow. “maybe medium well.”

     “i like it medium on s’mores, well done on its own.”

     “oh, yeah,” he agreed, “you gotta. nice and crunchy.”

     “mhm.”

     making sure the last bit of the marshmallow was golden in color, he took it away from the heat, holding the skewer out to her. “here you are, miss. your medium marshmallow.”

     “thank you.” carefully, she sandwiched it between the graham cracker and chocolate she’d assembled, squishing it down hard enough to pull off the skewer so bucky could slip his own onto it. around her first bite, she mumbled, “what’s your perfect ratio?”

     bucky glanced over at her once he placed his marshmallow over the heat, quickly distracted by the sight of chocolate caught in the corner of her mouth. she licked it away, much to his envy. “ratio?”

     “cracker, chocolate, cracker or double chocolate, or...”

     turning the skewer, bucky hummed at the suggestion. “ooh, you know what? give me a double chocolate.”

     “you got it.”

     another beautifully golden marshmallow under his belt, he held it out for her to make his sugary sandwich, two layers of chocolate quickly smearing around under the heat. he set the skewer down on the blanket and took his s’more from her, wasting no time to sink his teeth into it. exaggerating an eye roll, he looked at her incredulously.

     “good?” she laughed.

     bucky could hardly speak, going back in for another bite as he marveled, “i mean, come on.”

     her hand came up to shield her smile as she finished off the last of hers, eyes twinkling against the soft flickers of flame. they continued to watch him as he made them seconds and blew out the flames surrounding marshmallows as he burned their ‘well done’ ones. when he licked at his lips, she had to look away to muster her courage.

     bucky wiped off the remnants of sugar from his lips on the back of his hand, sighed when he caught himself wondering if hers tasted as sweet. her voice drew his attention.

     “you, um... you never got to finish saying what you were thinking about.” the sounds of the evening echoed around them as she caught his gaze again, waited for an answer. she could tell from the look in his eyes he knew what she meant instantly, but poked further when he hesitated. “the night of the function.”

     bucky knew. he knew what she meant and he knew what he’d been thinking about. it wasn’t that different from the images that were plaguing him right in that moment. if he were to lean forward, just a little, and capture her lips, find out for himself if they tasted of sugar, if they were sticky with it like his own... her eyes told him he could, but his own head was screaming at him that it was too far.

     “please,” becca begged, following after her brother as he went to grab another beer from her fridge.

     bucky popped the cap off on her counter, fixing her with a blank look. “bec, i don’t know if you’ve noticed, but i have one arm. how the hell am i watching a five month old baby overnight?”

     “you’ll be fine,” she groaned, “put her in your lap to feed her, she’s really good with diaper changes-”

     “one arm.”

     “you wipe your own ass with one arm, don’t you?”

     he grimaced, taking a long swig of his beer.

     “please, jimmy, i can’t leave her with mrs. deerborne overnight.”

     letting out a sigh, he looked to his sister. he found a familiar pout on her lips that she used to give him in hopes of tagging along with him and his friends when they drove up to indy to loiter around the mall. just like then, he knew he’d be giving in to her pleas, no matter how anxious the thought of having to care for his niece alone made him. because he could see it. how becca was still just a girl. under the motherhood and the faint lines that crawled across her face, she was still just a kid.

     it was part of the reason why coming back had been so hard for him. the last memories he had of her were when she was still a child. he hadn’t been able to reconcile the woman in front of him with the girl he once knew.

     “what if i have a nightmare?” he breathed.

     becca scoffed lightly. “please. she could sleep through the roof coming in, i swear.” when he continued to waffle, she tried one final time. “i’ll make sure i’m back first thing in the morning. please?”

     whatever guy she was going to see in concert must be something special.

     “fine.”

     “yes!” she squealed, making him hide his smile behind another grimace as she wrapped her arms around him. “thank you, thank you, thank you!”

     “yeah, whatever. you owe me.”

~

     standing over his niece, fresh diaper in his hand and a crinkle in his brows, he concluded he would have to think long and hard about just how rebecca was going to repay him.

     “what the hell were your mother and i thinking, huh?”

     winnie laughed up at him, throaty and bright like she knew exactly what was so funny about the situation. it made a chuckle of his own huff out before he set the diaper back down and admitted defeat, reaching over to punch in the number hanging on his wall.

     the phone rang a few times, causing him to squint into his bedroom to the alarm clock on his nightstand and make sure it wasn’t later than he thought.

     “hello?”

     “you know how to change a diaper?”

     there was a brief pause before his neighbor laughed, “surely you’re not that geriatric yet.”

     “very funny,” he snorted. “i got a baby over here with no clothes on, and it’s supposed to get down to forty-eight tonight.”

     “okay, okay, i’m coming.”

     while he waited, bucky draped a blanket over his niece, rubbing his hand over her stomach to try and keep her from growing huffy or rolling away.

     “it’s open!” he called when a knock finally came at his door.

     “wh- hello?”

     “over here.”

     closing his door and setting her keys on his table, she found bucky standing over his dryer, a gurgling baby lying on top of it.

     “you’ve got her on top of the dryer?” she laughed, walking over to them.

     “well, i figured bathroom is right here, and i didn’t- it would be gross to have her on the dining table, no?” he deflated under her gaze. “i don’t know. i don’t know what the hell i’m doing.”

     “okay,” she cooed, “let’s just get her changed.”

     she was patient with him, not taking over but instead letting him do what he could while she guided him through getting his niece cleaned up and ready for pajamas. he needed her to hold winnie’s legs for a moment, but he managed to do the bulk of it himself, cheered on with her soft encouragements. bucky made her wait with winnie for a second while he dug through the bag becca had packed for him.

     “is this gonna be enough?” he asked, holding up the onesie for inspection.

     “yeah,” his neighbor laughed, “she’s not sleeping outside. i hope.”

     shaking his head, he started slipping winnie’s feet into the outfit, thanking all his lucky stars that becca had managed to have the world’s easiest baby. smiling at himself, he bent over to secure her against his chest, standing back up with her cradled in his arm, little hands gripping at his sweatshirt.

     “what am i supposed to do the rest of the night?”

     his neighbor smiled at him, admiring the way he began bouncing his knees subconsciously. “you can call me.”

     “that’s not really fair,” he said, “you’ve gotta get up early for work.”

     she shrugged. “i’ll live.”

     he shook his head again, feeling the weight of winnie’s head on his shoulder. “she out?” he whispered.

     stepping around bucky, she inspected his niece’s face. “mm, getting there.”

     “let me put her down.”

     she waited in his kitchen, cleaning up the few things scattered around to try and lighten some of his load. as she heard him shushing softly to try and ease winnie to sleep, she helped herself to a small bowl of pumpkin ice cream still left from only a few days prior. the picture taped to his freezer door caught her attention, a quiet laugh bubbling up her throat at the sight of him flexing with the tiniest little alpine on his bicep.

     bucky finally stepped around the corner as she was taking a spoonful into her mouth, laughing lightly at the sight.

     he washed his hand off in the sink before grabbing a spoon for himself and taking a chunk out of her scoops. “she really is easy, i thought becca was just trying to sell me on watching her so she could have the night off.”

     “what was the occasion?” she asked, clinking their spoons together to fight his off.

     “went to see some singer in cincinnati with her friend. she was giggling like a schoolgirl over it when she dropped win off.”

     “girlhood is forever.”

     bucky quirked a brow at her and swallowed. “how’s that?”

     “you wouldn’t get it,” she teased, squinting her eyes at him.

     “maybe not,” he shrugged, “but i like listening to you talk.”

     her gaze went shy under his, diverting down to the pool of ice cream that had built up at the bottom of the bowl. “i don’t know... i feel the same now as i did when i was twenty-five, and when i was twenty-five, i felt the same as i did when i was nineteen. at nineteen, i felt the same as i did at fifteen and as i did at twelve and seven and on and on. when you’re a girl, you’re always a girl.”

     bucky watched her, smiling to just himself until she finally looked up at him again.

     “what?” she whined, attempting to hide behind the bowl.

     “no, it’s just that...” he sighed, nudging the bowl away. “i do get it. i was thinking something similar yesterday when i was looking at becca.” and when he was going through photo albums with her, how that little bit of childlike wonder always managed to twinkle in her eyes even when they were full of tears.

     “what about you?” she asked, setting their empty bowl in the sink and occupying herself with filling it with water.

     “what, do i still feel like a boy sometimes?” she nodded as she faced him again. “i think my case is a little unique.”

     smiling softly, she leaned back against his counter, crossing her arms and scrunching her shoulders. “you think we’ll ever start to feel like real adults that have everything figured out?”

     “no. never.”

     she groaned playfully, shaking her fist at nothing in particular.

     bucky laughed at her before breathing, “but i think we’ll get more comfortable with not knowing everything.”

     that sounded good enough to her, good enough to give him a firm nod. “sometimes the kids at school ask me something, and i wanna break it to them that i’m just as lost as they are. remember that? like, thinking adults knew everything?”

     “i do,” he said, looking at her fondly. “i bet they’re obsessed with you.”

     “who, the kids at school?” bucky nodded. “well, i mean, yeah. but if you met a grown up when you were little that was into all the same stuff as you, you’d be obsessed, too.”

     bucky thought there was more to it than just common interests, but he bit his tongue. “you liking it there?”

     she thought for a long moment, humming as she took in a deep breath. “yeah. it’s been weirdly... painful, though.” at the curious furrow to his brows, she shrugged, “i don’t know, it’s just made me think about how much things have changed since i was little, and i get this awful feeling like i miss it so badly. which is crazy because i hated school, and i was miserable as a kid, but... yeah, i don’t know.” she finished her ramble with a nervous laugh.

     “i get it,” bucky whispered. “feeling nostalgic.”

     “yeah. feels a bit like reliving it without some of the bad stuff. but i have to pay bills, so...”

     “ugh, the worst,” he smirked, drinking in her soft laugh. it nearly drowned out quiet fussing coming from his bedroom. “wait here.”

     padding into his room, he crept over to the travel crib becca had set up beside his bed, peering into it to see winnie still sound asleep. her feet kicked for a moment, bucky leaning closer to rub his hand over her stomach soothingly, soft coos on his lips. she began to settle again, little chest rising and falling with a deep sigh like she had worked a sixteen hour shift straight through. it made him chuckle, thumb rubbing at the fabric of her onesie.

     his neighbor was waiting for him where he left her.

     “thanks for coming over,” he offered.

     “sure.”

     continuing to stare at one another, bucky took a leap he hoped he could stick the landing of. “wanna stay for a minute?”

     “sure.”

     as they moved to his couch, he couldn’t help but notice how she crossed her arms again and made the same tight, scrunching motion with her shoulders, avoiding his gaze as she hid half her face. he nudged at her bicep to try and draw her attention. “what’s up with you?” he pressed playfully. “why so shy?”

     “nothing,” she whined, shooing his hand away with her elbow. when he didn’t budge, she sighed defeatedly. “i’m- i realized this is probably the first time you’ve seen me without makeup.”

     bucky stared at her, trying to find a flaw worthy of her bashfulness. when he couldn’t, he shrugged decidedly. “you’re as beautiful as every time i’ve seen you.”

     now he’d really gone and done it, making her tuck her head down and stretch out her limbs in some form of relief from the antsy flush that overcame her.

     “okay... god.”

     “what?” he chuckled, again prodding at her arm, missing to land on her side when she pulled her arm away from him petulantly. “stop getting shy.”

     “stop saying things like that!” she squealed, slapping at his hand with no real force behind it.

     “things like the truth?”

     with a weak scowl on her face, she glared at him, crossing her arms once more. “whatever.”

     laughing lightly through his nose, he taunted her one last time, pressing his knuckles into her shoulder, watching as she glanced at him from the corner of her eye and scrunched her lips to one side. he knew it was to hide a smile, a grin of his own overtaking him.

     she shivered at the feel of his fingertips lingering against her shoulder, cursed herself for not dressing in a layer thicker than her simple thermal to come over.

     “alright,” bucky grinned teasingly, “hawkeye and who else?”

     “what?”

     “who else did you have a crush on growing up?”

     she sat up straighter and stared at him for a moment. “what? what is this? are you trying to slumber party me?”

     bucky just kept grinning. “what does that mean?”

     “we’re gonna talk boys.”

     “oh, definitely,” he nodded seriously. “makeovers after.”

     laughing breathily, she turned herself to face him fully, bringing her knees up to fold them in front of her. “well, now i’m picturing you in eyeliner...”

     bucky rolled his eyes and pressed, “come on.”

     he had been wondering for a week now, thinking over in his head what had drawn her to the character to begin with. and maybe wanted to know if there was any overlap between the two of them, if he could pinpoint her favorite things about him and lean into them.

     her lips pursed hesitantly. “i don’t know if i wanna say.”

     “if they’re from the last twenty years, i probably won’t know ’em anyway.”

     letting out a sigh, she looked away from him and muttered, “nikki sixx.”

     “no clue.”

     “mötley crüe?” when bucky only shook his head, she let out the breath she was holding in. “oh, my god... i don’t know if it’s better or worse that you have no idea who i’m talking about.”

     “why, is he, like, a... is he a monster or something?”

     “well...”

     bucky let out a deep chuckle at her obvious embarrassment. “what was he in again? that sounded kind of familiar.”

     “mötley crüe,” she said reluctantly. “they’re a band. i- they were definitely around before you enlisted.” to try and jog his memory after he simply shrugged, she thought out loud, “what would have been out before eighty-four... um... too fast for love? shout at the devil?”

     like a lightbulb had gone off in his mind, bucky suddenly raised his eyebrows before they fell into a deep grimace and he had to cover his face. “no, no, come on! not the glam rock guys!”

     “leave me alone!”

     letting his hand fall to the back of the couch again, he gave her a pained look. “i don’t know how i can continue talking to you unfortunately.”

     nodding solemnly, she sighed back, “if this is your red line, i understand.”

     bucky watched as she stood up and made like she was going to leave, quickly wrapping his hand around her elbow to pull her back down playfully. it wasn’t intentional to have her land closer to him, that just seemed to be what happened whenever they found themselves on a couch together. her knees came to rest on his thigh when she tucked them back up again.

     “i remember that coming out,” he laughed, “there were a lot of old ladies in town very upset by it.”

     “everyone was upset by it,” she recalled.

     “but not you?” bucky watched as she rolled her eyes and tucked herself closer to the back cushions.

     “i was only four, thank you very much. i didn’t get into them until later.”

     shaking his head one final time, bucky asked, “nikki sixx? that was his name?”

     “he’s still alive, you know,” she laughed, nudging his arm teasingly. “probably around your age.”

     forgetting just where he was, bucky let out a groan, loud and almost tormented, silenced when she quickly reached out to clamp her hand over his mouth. he watched as she brought her other up to press a finger to her lips and shush him, both of them listening out for any signs of distress from his bedroom.

     he had to fight not to whine in protest when she pulled back, soft fingers leaving his lips as she giggled.

     “you’re so dramatic.”

     swallowing, he tucked his hair behind his ear and murmured, “why him?”

     “i don’t know... he was, like, the- the bad boy or whatever appeal of all those guys, but also weirdly handsome. like, classic boy-next-door, charming good looks...”

     “i wasn’t too familiar,” he gritted, trying to play off his jealousy like he was still picking on her.

     “well, i thought he was stunning. and he had the most beautiful, sad green eyes and this sweet smile and-”

     “should i give you some alone time?”

     shaking her head, oblivious to the way bucky’s jaw had set, she slumped back into his couch cushions. “whatever, i was obsessed, i can’t even lie.” when she finally caught sight of the disapproving look on his face, she fretted, “i was just a kid! i didn’t know any of the... evil shit about them.”

     bucky caught himself, tried to fix his expression with a breathy laugh.

     “what, you didn’t have any questionable crushes in your youth?”

     “i don’t know about questionable,” he hummed, “embarrassing, maybe.” she stared at him expectantly, raising her eyebrows to force him into confession. with a sigh, he looked away. “cher.”

     “cher?” she echoed, getting a nod from him. “one of the hottest women on the planet, that cher?”