* 𝒃𝒐𝒙 𝒃𝒐𝒙 𝒃𝒐𝒙

“   what   do   you   think   you’re   doing   ,”   he   grunts,   the   hand   moving   from   james’   hair   to   swat   at   his   hand   on   his   cock   .   “   a   good   little   whores   don’t   touch   themselves   without   permission   .”

he’s   being   cruel   ,   a   sort   of   villian   energy   coursing   through   his   veins   ,   but   if   noah   is   going   to   call   him   heartless   and   evil   then   what’s   holding   him   back   from   behaving   in   such   a   way   .

lawrence   doesn’t   want   to   examine   everything   that’s   going   on   inside   of   him   right   now,   how   he’s   fallen   so   far   from   the   person   he   thought   he   was   ,   so   far   from   the   person   his   fans   think   he   is.   he’s   supposed   to   be   a   good   person,   a   good   man,   a   respectable   man   ,   but   he   couldn’t   be   further   from   that   right   now.

a  pathetic  whimper  slipped  from  james'  lips  as  his  hand  was  batted  away  from  himself,  but  he  obediently  didn't  try  to  put  it  back  in  place,  leaving  it  to  rest  on  the  bed  beneath  him.  he  wanted  to  be  good  for  lawrence,  in  fact,  it  was  more  than  being  good,  james  earnestly  wanted  to  be  the  best,  to  be  something  lawrence  would  want  to  hold  onto,  something  he  would  never  want  to  let  go  of.  teammates  until  he  retired,  along  with  something  more.

andres   knows   everything   about   james,   he   was   the   first   person   to   learn   that   james   is   gay   ,   the   first   person   to   know   who   he   was   currently   sleeping   with,   the   first   person   to   know   when   he   signed   a   formula   one   contract   .   there’s   not   a   single   aspect   of   james’   life   that   andres   wasn’t   aware   of   ,   but   there’s   plently   of   andres’   life   that   james   doesn’t   know.   it’s   not   because   andres   doesn’t   want   to   share   with   everything   with   james   ,   it’s   because   he’s   desperate   to   not   ruin   anything   between   them   .

he   has   been   in   love   with   his   best   friend   since   he   can   remember.   when   they   were   little   and   in   karting,   he   thought   it   was   normal,   but   as   they’ve   gotten   older   and   developled   other   friendships,   andres   hasn’t   felt   the   same   about   them   as   he   does   james.   sure,   he   loves   lukas   and   oliver,   but   it’s   not   on   the   same   level   of   his   feelings   for   james   .

when   andres   had   first   heard   about   james   sleeping   with   lawrence   ,   it   felt   like   his   entire   world   had   imploded   .   he   knew   how   james   felt   about   him   so   apart   of   him   is   happy   for   his   best   friend,   but   andres   is   also   aware   that   this   wasn’t   going   to   end   well.   the   rumors   around   the   paddock   about   lawrence   and   noah   aren’t   a   secret   and   andres   wants   to   protect   james   at   all   costs   -   not   that   he   shared   any   of   these   worries   with   him   .   he   knows   it   wouldn’t   do   any   good.

“   james   ,”   he   states   ,   his   heart   breaking   at   the   confession   .   “   i   don’t   think   that’s   what’s   going   on   .   why   would   he   be   thinking   about   something   stressful   while   fucking   you?”

james  paused  at  andres'  question  -  but  he  wasn't  too  sure  he'd  like  the  answer  if  he  thought  too  hard  about  it.  it  was  a  questionable  denial  that  james  had  over  the  entire  subject,  because  he  wanted  this  to  be  his  dream,  he  wanted  this  to  be  everything  he'd  hoped  for,  i  mean,  was  it  any  different  than  how  often  he  told  himself  it  was  FINE  with  him  being  the  second  driver,  but  only  to  lawrence.  james  song  was  never  find  with  second  best,  he  didn't  structure  his  life  so  strictly  to  be  second,  he  didn't  stop  eating  things  he  enjoyed  to  be  second,  he  did  it  all  to  be  the  best,  and  this  didn't  feel  like  best  .  .  .  it  felt  like  second  .  .  .  in  everything.

lawrence   knew   it   wasn’t   fair   to   james,   knew   that   he   deserved   so   much   better   than   to   be   a   place   holder   for   noah   ,   but   he   still   found   himself   in   this   position,   thrusting   in   to   him   with   a   wild   abandonment   and   not   a   care   in   the   world   if   james   was   enjoying   himself.

he   knows   that   james   is   attractive   ,   that   they   could   have   a   real   relationship   if   that’s   what   lawrence   wanted,   but   he   also   knows   that   there’s   no   world   where   he   could   ever   really   want   another   man   .   sure   -   he’ll   sleep   with   any   man   that   crosses   his   path,   but   only   one   person   could   have   his   heart   .   only   one   person   has   the   power   to   destory   him.

and   it’s   not   the   person   beneath   him   currently.

eyes  leaking  &&  lips  plump,  another  sweet  whine  escaped  him  as  his  head  was  pulled  back,  practically  folding  him  into  place  -  and  james  would  let  him  do  anything  he  wanted,  because  to  him  this  was  everything,  a  desperation  to  please  the  driver  he'd  long  looked  up  to.  then  the  words  came  from  lawrence,  and  they  were  almost  sadisticaly  spoken  if  james  had  the  ears  to  hear  it,  but  he  was  blinded  to  any  truth  that  may  had  existed  outside  this  moment  because  of  his  want  for  it  be  real,  to  be  suited  to  his  dreams  of  this  moment.

miami  is  loud,  has  always  been  loud,  and  all  the  teams  love  to  show  off  in  that  brash,  all-american  way,  the  brand  of  spectacle  that  the  american  grand prixs  tend  to  do,  and  mathias  has  been  here  since  wednesday  and  has  spent  most  of  that  time  in  the  mercedes  garage  with  his  headset  on  and  his  eyes  on  the  timing  screens  which  is,  honestly,  exactly  where  he  wants  to  be.  the  thing  about  working on  james'  strategy  is  that  it  requires  a  specific  compartmentalization  that  mathias  has  gotten  good  at:  james  over  the  radio  is  james-his-driver,  which  is  a  different  thing  entirely  from  james-who-grew-up-karting-on-the-same-circuits-as-him,  james-who-he-watched-get-promoted,  while  matty  got  the  quiet  phone  call  that  meant…  something  else.  he  doesn't  think  about  that  part  anymore,  mostly.  he  only  thinks  about  it  a  normal  amount.

sweat  dripped  down  his  face  in  a  way  that  james  utterly  detested  -  call  him  typically  british,  but  the  hot  weather  and  hotter  track  did  not  do  him  wonders,  though  it  was  something  he'd  become  accustomed  to,  not  that  he  had  much  choice  given  his  career  path   {{   would  he  change  it  for  anything  in  the  world  -  absolutely  not   }}   it  was  the  one  thing  that  stopped  him  moaning  .  .  .  at  least  for  now.  in  fact  he  wouldn't  be  in  the  mood  to  moan  at  all  if  his  car  at  all  felt  like  it  was  under  him,  but  it  had  been  like  a  slip  and  slide,  and  slip  and  slide  did  not  fill  him  with  the  confidence  to  really  push  like  he  wanted.

❝ yes, i am meaning that. truthfully. the offer is always going to be open. ❞ A SMILE FORMS ON HIS FACE AS MIRAS ASKS FOR A PICTURE, his response being a gentle nod. most other skaters don't ask, it's very kind of the other to do even that. ❝ you do not need to be asking, is not as if you are a fan that would be needing permission. we are competitors, is perfectly acceptable for the two of us to be getting a photograph together for you to be remembering it. i have done the same thing before, with other skaters from back in russia. ❞

the  beam  of  miras'  smile  only  seemed  to  brighten  when  alexei  accepted  his  request,  and  to  make  him  feel  so  normal  for  doing  so.  it  pushed  aside  any  of  the  prior  nerves  he  may  have  felt,  raising  the  phone  high,  settling  an  arm  to  wrap  around  his  hero  to  collect  the  shot  that  he  would  undoubtedly  look  back  on  fondly  for  many  years  to  come.  he  captured  a  few  just  to  be  sure,  and  then  was  quick  to  pull  them  up  and  hold  the  phone  like  it  was  the  most  precious  thing  in  the  universe  before  looking  back  to  alexei  again. ❛   Спасибо,  огромное  спасибо!   [  thank  you,  thank  you  so  much!  ]   ❜   miras  was  quick  to  state,  lowering  his  head  briefly  for  a  moment  in  his  gratitude,  words  spilling  out  before  he  could  collect  them  and  form  them  into  english.

HE NOTICES THE OTHER'S EYES, focused more on his own shoes than on what's in front of him, but he understands. there's been times when alexei's been like that, unable to look whoever he was speaking to in the eyes. even after all this time, after all the competitions and the interviews and the appearances, alexei's anxiety still gets to him when he feels cornered. a beast on the ice, a cornered kitten when scared.

❝ of course, ❞ A SMALL NOD, his hair falling in his face as he pushes it back. he meets miras' eyes with his own, the smallest little smile on his face. ❝ if you are ever needing to call, my cell phone is always on. i do not sleep very well as it is, so i would be awake when you are. there is quite a difference in times between our countries, after all. ❞

there  were  many  moments  in  life  where  miras  felt  he  needed  to  pinch  himself  to  prove  the  moment  was  real,  and  this  proved  to  be  yet  another  one  of  those  moment  to  be  added  to  the  list.  he  looked  upon  the  world  around  him  with  wide  eyes  that  never  expected  to  be  right  where  he  was,  every  point,  every  time  he  beat  his  seasons  best,  it  had  tears  brimming  in  his  eyes,  burying  his  face  into  his  hands  unable  to  keep  himself  straight.  but  he  didn't  stop  himself  from  feeling  it,  from  enjoying  the  moment,  even  if  it  didn't  set  him  on  a  podium,  even  if  his  step  sequence  was  still  a  little  messy  and  he  attacked  it  a  little  too  hard  and  frantically,  he  didn't  lose  the  joy  at  the  end  of  every  program.

❝ no... ❞ HE SAYS IT WITH HIS HEAD TILTED DOWNWARD, unable to even look at the other. he knows that the international skating union, that their own federations will never see them as human. even the united states, all they see alexei as is something that makes them look good. and something tells him that yori feels a similar way.

IT'S A RARE MOMENT OF UNDERSTANDING BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM. no one's trained quite as hard as the two of them, broken as many records as the two of them. they're at the top, on a pedestal so high it can't be reached without risking ending a career. it feels like an addiction to alexei at this point, the adrenaline rush and the high he gets from seeing that score higher than anyone else's. he would've done it, he would've had that gold. but dimitri. his own coach. the need to be perfect, to do every quad, to have six of them in a program, it was the blond's downfall.

it  was  for  a  moment  to  pretend  things  could  be  different  -  but  that  wasn't  reality.  reality  was  the  many  meetings,  where  everything  about  his  image  was  scrutinised,  picked  apart,  he  didn't  smile  there,  didn't  bow  there,  didn't  show  the  gracious  sculpted  image  that  was  expected.  vulnerabilities.  there  needed  to  be  some,  but  not  many,  not  real  ones,  just  something  for  someone  to  grip  to.  the  quad  axel  -  still  not  landed  in  reality,  it  didn't  count  if  no  one  saw  it,  and  how  many  years  would  the  world  bother  to  keep  waiting  to  see  it  from  him  until  they  got  bored. he  didn't  even  try  in  competition,  the  skating  union  knew  it  and  picked  it  apart  each  and  every  time,  and  he  didn't  bother  to  speak  the  words  he  in  fact  wanted  to.  his  love  for  the  ice  wasn't  in  the  competitions,  the  numbers,  points,  he  loved  it  creatively,  wanted  to  create  something  beautiful  and  breathtaking  without  it  having  to  be  judged  in  the  way  competitions  were.  but  that  wasn't  how  it  worked,  continuing  to  allow  himself  to  be  shoved  deeper  into  that  box  with  the  hope  his  bones  would  break  and  he  would  simply  just  fit.

a collection of quotes, phrases, and sayings from the 1977 film, A New Hope. change & alter as needed.

"We seem to be made to suffer. It's our lot in life."

"And don't let me catch you following me, begging for help, because you won't get it."

"Have you been in many battles?"

"Help me, [name]. You're my only hope."

"Rest easy, son, you've had a busy day. You're fortunate you're still in one piece."

"There's no sense in you risking yourself on my account."

"I'm getting too old for this sort of thing."

"I can't get involved! I've got work to do!"

"You must do what you feel is right, of course."

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

"There's nothing you could have done, [name], had you been there. You'd have been killed, too."

"Watch your step. This place can be a little rough."

"[Name]'s put a price on your head, so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy will be looking for you."

"I've been looking forward to killing you for a long time."

"I don't know what all the trouble is about, but I'm sure it must be your fault."

"I fear something terrible has happened."

"I suggest you try it again, [name]."

"Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them."

"In my experience, there's no such thing as luck."

"You have taken your first step into a larger world."

"I have a very bad feeling about this."

"You can't win. But there are alternatives to fighting."

"I'd prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."

"Your destiny lies along a different path than mine."

"You'd better be right about this."

"That isn't very reassuring."

"This is not going to work."

"Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route."

"Either I'm going to kill her, or I'm beginning to like her."

"Listen, I don't know who you are or where you came from, but from now on, you do as I tell you."

"It's a wonder you're still alive."

"You're braver than I thought."

"I think we took a wrong turn."

"There wasn't anything you could have done."

"You know, sometimes, I even amaze myself."

"If money is all that you love, then that's what you'll receive."

"Do you think a princess... and a guy like me...?"

"That's impossible, even for a computer."

"This will be a day long remembered."

"Why don't you come with us? You're pretty good in a fight. I could use you."

"Take care of yourself, [name]. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it?"

"He's got to follow his own path. No one can choose it for him."

"I told you I'd make it someday, [name]."

"You've got to come back. You wouldn't want my life to get boring, would you?"

Наши тела бы могли отыскать по следам, Our bodies could be found by following the tracks,

Если бы мы не забыли оставить следы. If we hadn't forgotten to leave traces.

Дайте мне белые крылья, - я утопаю в омуте, Grant me white wings, for I am drowning in an abyss

Через тернии, провода, - в небо, только б не мучаться. Through thorns and wires, into the sky, all to escape suffering.

Тучкой маленькой обернусь и над твоим крохотным домиком I shall transform into a raincloud and above your hideaway