just a complete dumbass honeslty

but also being a mother is terrifying bc what if I fuck it up or what if I do it too soon and I and up resenting my child for not being able to live the life I wanted and what if I don't love them enough or the right way they are so fragile and delicate and anything I can say can hurt them for years and years 

anyway lately I have been feeling this very intense want to be a mother and to raise a baby like actually when a baby smiles at me and comes to me for help or to ask for anything I feel this incredible consuming happiness 

2 b fair, I never wanted to be married to a man, for years I didn't want kids or to be married I wanted to live by myself in my own home I didn't dream or fantasize about finding the right person bc I never wanted to be connected with somebody like that it was terrifying snd then this dumb boy came into my life and I will probably marry him and its kind of nice to have that certainty and also so so scary bc I love being alone with my dumb silly brain 

relationships are crazy actually bc that's a WHOLE different person with different experiences that have made them who they are like I feel like everyone of my friends is just a little piece of my heart and soul there’s not much of a disconnect 

being with men feels like you constantly have to fight to be seen as a person and like you have to make sure you don’t lose yourself its very tiring 

i love my friends so much it seems so intense I cannot believe it sometimes thinking about it feels like listening to the part in a song where the music gets faster and higher and prettier 

whenever I have too much caffeine I feel insane but its better than being numb I will never not be dependent on caffeine in any form I literally think about it like medication like if I want to get anything done I know I'll have to drink more than usual and if I just want my brain to work the way I like it to I don't need to have that much just a cup but if I have a lot of hw to do I need to continuously take small amounts throughout the day 

if I had a time machine I would absolutely go back in time to talk to teen me because I KNOW that bitch was hilarious cringey and gross and has some troubling ideas but HILARIOUS also id give her a hug

I love having a nice tasty drink to sip on throughout my day it makes me so happy when I have a drink in my hand as I go about my business anyway I also love the way my mood changes drastically throughout the day literally five minutes ago I was thinking about heartbreak and the way I let people walk over me but now I'm sipping on my delicious mango dragonfruit refresher having the time of my life

I haven't been on here in years I don't even know who follows me anymore