A Nobody’s Diary

I’ve been living so slowly since last year but time flies by so quickly to feel comfortable living a slow life. I wanna read so much books but my attention span can only handle so much. I’m only 56% of my third book this year. I want dark gothic books but I’m such a snail reader when there’s so many characters and world mechanics to remember. Romance books are so easy to read but it gets boring. Haven’t revisited fanfics this year too…

I’m still not over Expedition 33 from last year and frankly I don’t think I have it in me to grind to be ready for the big side bosses. My completionist heart is bleeding.

Journaling has been slow too.. I guess I don’t give myself enough grace to enjoy a hobby that involved spending money to buy stuff. I’m still learning to tell myself I shouldn’t feel bad for wanting things. Like my brain immediately goes to the default guilty dialogue.

Had two family dramas so far and I’m still not coping well with the fresh one. I am such a fawner when it comes to my feelings but when it’s my husband who gets wronged I turn all protective and reactive. I don’t expect to get the same care and love we give to everyone we love but respect is a nonnegotiable. I know everyone is going through things but being disrespectful isn’t the way to go. It’s sad how both my husband and I have been parentified at a young age and we still have to be this way to our families. It’s exhausting when you keep filling other people’s cups and they don’t do it in return.

I felt a spark of excitement when my friend suggested journaling again. I used to love that shit. I spent all my money on that hobby before and I was so fucking happy sticking cute shit on my overpriced Japanese notebook.

I choose to think of my current excitement to buy new things as a chance to tell myself that I deserve nice things and I deserve to do something I love even if it doesn’t make money but costs money instead.

I wanna be ducking done being depressed. It’s stopping me from appreciating the good things that came to my life.

I am aware I can’t just wish this illness that reared its head since I was 17. It’s fucking exhausting fighting it again and again. It’s so draining having to reframe loud, dark and painful thoughts. Every single second I spend being aware of my thoughts is like a boss battle on expert mode given to a child who doesn’t know how to use their thumbs to play games.

All this melo fucking drama aside. I am excited to buy these shit

I want a journal that has thick pages that don’t bleed ink or become see through and it’s the Leuchtturm1917 Bullet Journal 2nd Edition in black. Of course I will buy a pen loop for it. And I want a Canon Ivy 2, I need photo paper packs for that . And a Pilot Kakuno Smiley Face Fountain Pen in pink. I need ink for that. So in total that’s like $500. Like 70% of my money lol.

I also want a sewing machine with the leftover. I want a pink singer heavy duty one.

This entry makes me wonder if I’m bipolar…

Anyways doc says i just have mdd, ptsd and slight ocd so maybe if I complete all the disorders I get a million dollars?

This entry started because I am too anxious to sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about my session with my therapist tomorrow. I have to see her much sooner this time because I planned on …ting my throat and I am required to also go to a center on Tuesday to show that im alive and not going to do anything.

Writing it all down here feels so fucking weird. Like I’m describing something off a simple to do list. I don’t know man life sucks and being a broke and unattractive adult sucks when you have horrible self esteem.

I am confused and as a geriatric millennial I need to write things down for my brain cell to understand…

Explaining it to my husband confused me while explaining it lol