TV Taught Me How To Feel

today the miami dolphins punter accidentally kicked a ball directly into his teammate’s ass

i step on campus and realize immediately that not one other person is dressed up. not so much as a cat ear headband. so imagine this fucking dude sitting in a class of otherwise normally dressed people looking like this. that was me. this was my 9/11

okay so

be a goth. conservative christian parents don't approve of goth men. show up to their house wearing all kinds of satanic symbols if you can

know more about religion than the parents. they'll try to introduce you to christianity because you don't exactly look like a christian but your dad's an ex priest and has a phd in theology so *cracks knuckles* you'll correct them on every little mistake they make

call your fake girlfriend every annoying petname under the sun. i'm talking about babu, shmoopie, snuffleupagus. when you run out of annoying english terms of endearment call her shit like "my liver" or "my little cabbage" (actual greek terms of endearments but the parents won't know this they'll just think you're annoying :3)

to continue this, talk to your fake girlfriend in the most high pitched annoying voice possible but talk in your regular voice to everyone else

stare at her older brother's ass for just a little too long

have an annoying laugh. think of sybil fawlty but a stereotypical villain playing a church organ in his castle

let them quote bible verses to you. then ask "so when were those two destroyed for sodomy?". it's very funny to do this when judas kisses jesus, and it's even funnier when you've just corrected them over a minor mistake in church history

ask WHY abraham was begging for sodom. it doesn't make sense to you why a good christian man would go and beg for tha-

be over possessive of your fake gf (dont really do this, it's just an act)

go and fuck her brother in an alleyway. the parents won't know about this so it's an optional step

use words no one knows the meaning of. do this without realising because you always talk like that