der Unmondän

Our schools are in a big downswing lately. Half our foreign (non-Taiwanese, that is) teachers have left. Like, actually half. We had 12 and we’re down to 6.

We’re still feeling the effects of the recent COVID spike, even though we’re well on our way out of it.

Most importantly, I’m afraid I’m burning out pretty quickly. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last, and that’s scaring me a little.

I hope it’s only a phase, because the worst-case result from this is that I up and quit education altogether. (Kind of being dramatic, but also not really because I’ve had serious daydreams about not ever having to set foot in a classroom again and it’s made me kinda happy?)

These last few months have just been so much work, such little rest, and definitely zero reward - intrinsic or otherwise.

Today’s my birthday, and one of the worst things that could happen to someone on their day happened.

My girlfriend decided to break up with me last night.

I’m not sure why, but so many of my birthdays in recent memory have just been sullied by one thing or another, and I’m just asking now for a normal day next year.

So last night sucked for the obvious reason. But today was also just a total struggle. I wasn’t able to connect with my family because of the time difference and schedule differences. I woke up early after getting less sleep than I wanted today for an interview I had to run, but the interviewee was a no-show, so I could have gotten more sleep. We were supposed to have a staff meeting, but that was canceled, and I wasn’t told until I asked about an hour before the meeting started. I got to school for my afternoon class, started teaching (virtually), and about 10 minutes in, I was told class was moved back 30 minutes. No one seemed to think it was important to tell me something about my own class. So I had to tell those kids to sit tight and start my lesson all over again. Ah right, and I loaned some money to a friend to help them out with some big vet bills after an emergency with their pet. They promised me the money back at the beginning of the month, but since the COVID spike here, the boyfriend’s company has been fucking with their pay, and they simply don’t have the money to pay me back yet.

And one final thing to top it all off: Last night after my now ex left my place, she texted me around midnight asking if she could call. I was asleep, but then told her she could call me later today. About 5 hours later she replied saying she was just sad last night, and that she will be fine. Sorry for bothering you, she told me.

I woke up yesterday, feeling as low as I’ve felt in a long time. I had a meeting to go to with all the ESL teachers. I arrived at school and just dreaded walking in. I didn’t want to face anyone at all. Through the hour long meeting, I had this thousand yard stare, and was completely checked-out. I only spoke when it was my turn to do so, and even then, anticipating my turn, I felt like I was going to just cry as soon as I opened my mouth. Thankfully I didn’t.

The meeting wrapped up. One person - the person I was sitting next to - said bye to me. Shitty feeling or not, this is normal because the teachers just aren’t close.

I got home and a bit later I got this wall of text from another teacher, venting about how she felt personally attacked by some comments regarding how her kindergarten kids weren’t performing up to snuff now that they’re in Grade 1. So I handled it. I talked, I listened, I gave advice.

Then I thought when it would be my turn? When will someone - anyone - finally notice that I’m on another planet. Surely, in that room of 20 people, one of them thought maybe something was off.

My co-teacher later that day (who was at the meeting) didn’t even say anything to me. Even though I’ve been making it a point to ask how she’s been feeling every time I see her, since she’s been sick the past 2 weeks, and I think she’s a good co-teacher.

I don’t know when, but it’s all going to go wrong.

Honestly, the only thing that gives me actual joy right now is seeing some of my students from last year, whom I am not teaching this year. That only lasts for about 5 minutes 2 times a week.

I checked back through my texts tonight. Me and Mindy officially split for good on May 29 of this year. It’s been just shy of 5 months apart. It’s been amicable. I don’t hate her, she doesn’t hate me, nothing like that. She’s helped me when I needed it. When my apartment lease was up for renewal, she helped me sign for the new year. When I accidentally forgot my keys in my apartment, she dropped what she was doing to help out. When I wanted to sign a new phone contract, she helped out. I’d always ask for lunch or coffee or something afterwards. Always met with a no. “I’m too hungover” “I’m playing majiang”. Bummer, but I could never really argue. Maybe that’s where I fail.

Outside of those things, it’s been nigh impossible. Being here, I’m clinging on to anything I have. It’s isolating, even if you have a job. I want to hold on to and see whatever friends I do make. To whatever relationships I do form. I’m used to hearing no. I hear it all the time. At work, on job interviews, from my friends, from OLD, from automated services, internet strangers. You name it, they’ll (or it’ll) find a way to say no. Unless I shove money in their (its) face. This is the part where you think “Duh, Greg, she’s your ex, of course she’s gonna say no”. This is why I write this here.

Recently, I found a new place to go eat. That’s one of her ticks. If I’d suggest a place she’s been to already, she’s not interested. It usually has to be a new place. She agreed, but this place is usually only open for dinner. She told me dinner is hard for her, so I laid out all the options, she says weekends are a no go because she’s got a new boyfriend. This planning process was going on for over a week. No after no after no after reason why we can’t do it. I felt slimy when she told that to me tonight. I felt slimy, I felt dumb, I felt callous. This is where you think “I could have told you that she had a boyfriend”. Yea. Me too. But she never said it definitively. This is why I write this here.

I asked her how long they’ve been together. 3 months she said. 3 months. We split at the end of May. May 29th. If there wasn’t context to that span of time, it would be a non-factor for me. Good for her. She found somebody pretty quickly. But context matters. A lot. I don’t know what you’d think at this point. This is why I write this here.

In our relationship she was always worrying that I’d find someone better. She always told me that I wouldn’t have a problem finding someone else when she broke up with me for the XXXXth time. I always told her that she was a fluke. That girls are by and large just not interested enough in me to pursue anything. That if we actually broke up, I’d have a really hard time even making a new friend, let alone find a new relationship. I knew that she’d actually have no problem. She has everything she needs. She’s attractive, knows how to handle people, can speak the language, has a great network of people. That’s about all you could ever need. I........don’t have any of those things here. I’m slightly overweight, can’t seem to hold a conversation with anyone, can only speak a tiny bit of the language, and I definitely have a narrow network of people here.

All of this is to say that she took maybe 1-2 months to find someone new. She did exactly what she was “afraid” I would do. As in, she accused me of a thought crime I’d never commit, then actually went and committed it, and somehow at the end of it all, I feel horrible about it. I’m the one left feeling inadequate and alone.

Is that my problem?

Typical OLD woes. Few matches, even fewer convos that I need to start, even fewer dates, and weirdos accusing me of cheating on my non-existent girlfriend straight away.

I saw something today though. Something so simple and elegant, but it encapsulates exactly what I’ve wanted in all my relationships. Of all places it was on Facebook (!!)

A girl made a post in the big Taiwan foreigners group. She said that her boyfriend was moving to a new area and she asked if anyone would want to meet up with him so he would have the opportunity to meet some new people.

It’s so elegant and it says so much.

I matched with a girl whose display name was Yuuuuuuu

So I opened with “Yuuuuu and Meeeeee should go on a date!”

Many days later, she replied with [I’m paraphrasing because she unmatched with me] “Haha, why should I go on a date with you?”

I explained to her that Tinder is a dating app, we liked each other, so it’s logical that we’d go on a date, right?

Then she asked me “Do you go on dates with every girl on Tinder? Shouldn’t you get to know me first?”

I said that, no, I don’t jump straight to dates, and that I would indeed like to get to know her first. Although at this point, maybe not, seeing as how needlessly defensive(?) she’s being? But hey - that opener got her attention, right?

I opened up my matches and she was gone.

Uh. Isn’t the point of going on a date to get to know one another?

Yea we’re working together all year. For both my classes.

So here’s a brief breakdown of what I have to do for the open house on Saturday. Strap in.

I’ll talk to her in passing, or if she’s talking to me about work. Every once in a blue moon I’ll try and text her something non-work related, but if I didn’t initiate, it’d be like I didn’t exist.

A couple months ago, we had a 4 day weekend, and I asked if she wanted to get food together, which she very swiftly rejected with no follow-up. No follow-up from me either.

The other day I walked into the teacher’s room during a class of mine and she was talking to a female co-worker. When I entered, they both got quickly silent.

Yesterday, she talked to me about an upcoming open house next Saturday I have to teach for. She’s going to be my co-teacher and when I asked “Are you going to be my co-teacher that day?” she replied “Yea, unfortunately (laughs)”. Now, in my head I know she meant “Unfortunately we have to work on a Saturday”, but the way it came across fuckin’ suuuuuuuuuuucked.

I’m not sure what this is. Is she just that awkward? Does she actually not like me even as a friend or co-worker? Or is this just all miscommunication.