Live it Up

Wala raman gud. Plain summer. Volleyball everyday. 

Then you came. Abi nako mustay ka. But i guess i was one of your temporary feels. 

Okay naman gud tanan. I was very understanding and i was ready to be yours. But you stopped. Wa ko katingog ato. I was hurt. I cried to bed. I mean, why cant you risk with me, di man ko parehas imong uyab. I was willing to help you. Pero wala eh. The fact nga di ka karisk made me decide to not wait for you. 

Or i thought so. Ngano murag gahulat japon ko? Im still thinking of you at night. Im still itching to chat you kung online ka. Im still worried if nkastudy nka for exams. I still want to see you and hug you. Maybe i need closure?

I have been wanting to write a blog about what emotions i feel before my visitor arrives every month but ends up being lazy, writing none. Until last March 30, 2016, I felt an extreme wave of negativity surrounding me. 

Today, February 14,2016 is Valentines day! And My date? My ever crazy team mates. Why? Because today marked the back-to-back-to-back champions of SU Women’s Volleyball team in the inter-school tournament in the city. Some may say that we will still the crown since it was just a norm to be the champion in that tournament. But this time, being champions meant a lot.

For the past two years, i never mind losing against other teams. I always say it is just part of the game, someone wins someone loses. It may not just our luck to have that bacon. But yesterday in our game 2 of the championship, it became an eye opener for me. We loss in straight set with a far gap. I really felt down and helpless that time. Our coach scolded us, telling us to figure out what was wrong. I couldn’t find the right words to describe how off we were. But as positive as i was, I told the team to have a comeback in the game 3.  And we made it. Straight set. Gave the opponent what we tasted yesterday. Plus a blessing of being the MVP is heart-whelming. And as i was holding the champion trophy, realization came rushing my thoughts.

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PesIj7sAhVw)

Every individual have their own disappointments. Whether on love, studies, happiness, family and towards oneself, right? You got disappointed on a situation you got yourself into. Whatever that is, you always find something or someone to throw the blame. Guess my disappointment now is ordinary but there’s more than it.

Earlier this morning, we had our midterm exam in one of my BA elective subject. i knew to myself that i wasn’t ready. Over the weekend, I did not use my time productively. Yes i read my notes, I practiced solving the exercise ONCE and that’s it. I had cough and colds too since Friday up until now. The virus was passed on to our family haha. I watched a movie yesterday night which i was supposed to be reviewing and slept past 12 midnight. Woke up by 5:30am and rushed to school before the test began. But before the actual exam, i was reading my notes without focus and felt like my mind was floating though my physical self was there. The class had a short prayer then the exam started. It was my tradition to pray before taking exams, calling to the Lord for help and guidance but how tricky my mind forgot to pray; i just called out the Lord telling him to take control over me. That wasn’t just enough. 

After taking the exam which by the way was a hard one, the caps lock, bold word DUMB hit my face. I should say i did not use my brain on the computation. How could i forget the time part? UGGHH!

I drove home thinking what happened there on that very moment that i answered. I was so down. I could really say that i fail in that MIDTERM EXAM. Who to blame? My health? My procastination? My discipline? My broken tradition of not praying? I say its ME, MYSELF AND I.

I blame my self for not the kind of person who would be successful. I feel like what i did prior to the exam was shitty. I see myself being the inferior among my colleagues. I cannot stand alone, being the responsible one. the aspiration of being independent just went down. Blah blah blah.