“Ahluya foheva, Bibbit.”

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“Ahluya foheva, Bibbit.”

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On Guilt, and Love, and Hope
A small coda for 13x13
It killed him a little that he hadn’t known. Dean couldn’t even convince himself that the unusual circumstances mattered. So what if Asmodeus’ was a shape shifter. Didn’t change the fact that Dean didn’t feel with certainty that Cas was in danger. He’d have kept beating himself up if Cas hadn’t leaned into the front of the Impala. Sam had gotten out and they were too wait for him. “Really, stop blaming yourself.” Cas set a hand on Dean’s shoulder as he spoke. Dean couldn’t respond, couldn’t say okay and just let it go.
He looked at Cas though. Cas looked sad, a little weary even. Dean turned more, so his knee was up on the seat. Cas’ hand fell from his shoulder. Dean reached up and let his hand cup Cas’ cheek. “Seems everything I do takes a little too much time.”
“What do you mean?” Can tipped his head a little into Dean’s hand. It was a little cat like and reminded Dean that touch was something needed and maybe not just a human craving.
“I took too long not thinking about how different you sounded when I was really speaking to Asshat. I took too long to tell you that you matter. I’m still taking too long telling you what you mean… To me especially.”
“I know,” Cas said quiet like he maybe did know.
“Do you?” Dean pressed his fingers to Cas in a way that angled his face up, forced eye contact. And the look in Cas’ eyes told Dean that yes, Cas absolutely knew what Dean wasn’t saying. “You gonna do something with all that knowing, or are you gonna just wait for me to do everything?”
Cas rolled his eyes in that ever put upon way of his that he had well and truly earned from dealing with this human. “If I must. Seems that the ball is always in my court.” Cas’ brows came together, and he moved more into the space between the front seat and the back. Dean met him half way. It was the literal least he could do.
The angle was wrong, and their efforts were fumbling, but it did break the ever present ice. When the kiss broke the first time, Dean said, “Well, guess we’ll be working on that.”
Can looked concerned, then squared his jaw and leaned in again. This time the kiss was a little better. Still, the seat between them and the angle was terrible. Dean was willing to let it keep going though. Cas was really putting his all into it, and Dean was giving him prayerful encouragement.
Then the door creaked open and Sam was throwing himself in with a huff. Dean and Cas fell back into their respective places. Sam let his head tip back a little, then he ran a hand through his hair. “Let’s head to the square. I’ve got a lead.”
Dean started the car and glanced into the mirror at Cas. He was a little grim faced, but his lips were redder. Dean suppressed a smile at the thought that he did that and would do it again. He glanced at Sam as he pulled the Impala from the curb and onto the road.
Sam said, “Yeah, I totally saw.” He shook his head and added, “At least one good thing came out of all this.” He waved his hand out in front of him, dismissively and a little defeated.
“We’ll find them. We’ll get them back.” It was the same comfort as always, but Dean hoped that Sam felt it as truth.
Cas’ hand came up to Sam’s shoulder. “Lucifer won’t escape this time, and Dean’s right too. Mary and Jack, we will save them.”
“Here’s to hoping.” Sam looked at each of them in turn. “Here’s to hoping,” he repeated.
Slash Fic Gothic
You have blond hair, he has brown hair. You always have blond hair, he always has brown hair. You dye your hair brown, but suddenly his hair is blond, and you feel as though maybe you are him, and he is you, and you have blond hair again, and he has brown hair.
His gaze is impossibly fond, his eyes are impossibly blue, he pulls you impossibly closer, your heart beats impossibly fast, the bulge in his pants is impossibly hard, he should maybe get that checked out.
You don’t remember ever working out and yet you look down and see you have a six pack. When you next see yourself in the mirror you have an eight pack. When he takes of your shirt you have ten, twelve abs. You’re scared to look again in case there are more.
His eyes change colour depending on his moods. At first you thought it was a trick of the light, but now you’re not so sure. They switch between blue, green and grey. Once you thought you saw a flicker of red. You make sure to kiss with your eyes closed now.
You’re white, and so is he. Sometimes he’s your enemy, but you still love him, don’t you? Of course, it makes sense. You’re not sure what you like about him, exactly, but there must be something, right? There’s this intangible thing between you, isn’t there? You feel like you may have more chemistry with your non-white friend, but that can’t be right.
You don’t remember taking your clothes off but you’re naked now. Well, all you remember is toeing out of your shoes. You always toe out of them, although you don’t quite know what that means.
Your pronouns mix into a blur and you no longer know where you end and he begins… You reach out your hand to his hand on his arm… your arm… his… You are sitting and he straddles you but is facing away… There are hands everywhere…
THE ACCURACY HURTS.
You smell like sandlewood. You don’t know what sandlewood even IS.
Once your shoes are off, you pad everywhere. You try to walk, but you can’t, your feet don’t comply. Your only option if you want to get from room to room is to pad.
Your tongues battle for dominance. There can be only one victor. One tongue is not walking away from this battle. Will it be yours?
He tastes like smoke and wine, whatever he had for dinner, and something distinctly him. You don’t know what that taste is or where it comes from… only that it is distinctly…him…
Is he The Smaller Man? Or The Larger Man? Are you The Pale Man? Are you The Slender Man? The Blond Man? You no longer have a name… you are just an epithet.
You thought you were about the same size, but, the clothes come off… and he’s The Larger Man. So large. He’s got six inches on you. You can tuck your head under his chin. Ten inches now… is he growing? Are you shrinking?
It’s weeping. OH GOD WHY IS IT WEEPING?
He pins your hands above your head, and you drag your hands through his hair. You’re pulling him closer by his hips and unbuttoning his pants. There are so many hands.
The longer you have sex, the longer and more obscure the adjectives grow. At first his thrusts were merely deep and long, but now they are downreaching, unfathomable, elongated, extensive. At this rate, they may soon be crapulous, didactic, or dilatory. Your eyes will swim with more and more words you don’t know. Is this even English anymore? If your partner has ever hinted at knowing another language, probably not, as he has slipped into his mother tongue hours ago and is moaning exclusively in a Norweigan accent, whatever that sounds like. Probably like a butchered Russian accent.
carry the water
If someone tries to schedule an important meeting outside of regular business hours, or on a day that the public schools are closed, be the one to point out that it causes trouble for people with child care duties – even if you happen to have a spouse who can take care of it.

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“Single, taken or in love with a fictional character?” or how fanfiction could help us understand (digital) reading.
This post is based on a presentation I gave at a seminar organized by a European Cooperation in Science and Technology (e-cost) network dedicated to understanding digital reading through the lens of interactivity and reading’s game-like elements. My talk mostly relied on existing literature, but as it seemed to have many prominent gaps, I asked some of my fan-fiction-reading and -researching friends and colleagues (thank you!) some convoluted questions about their reading habits, practices and experiences. Their answers provided informal, anecdotal data that I have used to elaborate and illustrate what I’m throwing up in the air here.
What’s going on with reading?
For decades now, people have been worried about reading. Scholars, teachers, parents, writers, publishers and activists are anxious about the possibly waning reading habits, vocabularies and comprehension levels. When digital technologies and social media are introduced, the discussions tend to turn sour with moral panic. Psychological research has shown that reading fiction gives us models of the social world, which in turn facilitates empathy and increases social support (Mar & Oatley, 2008; Mar, Oatley & Peterson, 2009); reading fiction also helps us instigate self-change; alters how we think (Mar & Mullin, 2011); and modifies our self-understanding through producing new metaphors of personal identification (Miall & Kuiken, 2002).
At the same time, a body of literature known as “new literacy studies”, keeps pointing out that just reading (and writing) printed texts is no longer enough. Pierre Levy (1997: 121) noted nearly two decades ago that the “distinctions between authors and readers, producers and spectators, creators and interpretations will blend to form a reading-writing continuum, which will extend from the machine and network designers to the ultimate recipient, each helping to sustain the activities of the others.” Simply put, traditional forms of literacy alone are considered insufficient for effective participation in the networked societies (Levy & Murnane 2004) instead a literate person now needs to have many multiple, dynamic and malleable competencies and literacies like reading online newspapers or participating in virtual classrooms (Black, 2009).
Additionally, it’s argued that literacies should be understood as socio-cultural practices enabled by digital technologies, virtuality and participatory culture (Olin-Scheller & Wikstrom 2010: 45), where meaning-making is contextual (Black 2005: 120).
This brings us to the topic at hand. Where better to seek understanding of (digital) reading experience of the early 21 century than in internet fanfiction (fanfic).
What is fanfic anyway?
In her doctoral dissertation on the topic, Juli Parrish (2007:11) defines internet fanfiction as:
writings by amateur fans of a particular media text (television program, book, film, role-playing game, anime, cartoon, etc);
that starts from (but is not limited to) some of the characters or premises of the source text;
which explicitly self-identifies as fan fiction;
and is published on the internet.
Fanfiction texts often extend the plots, timelines and relationships in the source texts (Black, 2007); critique elements or ideologies of canon (Pich, 2013-2014); and weave new tales by remixing ideas from different sources (Thomas, 2007).
Fanfiction is published in specialized online archives like Archive of Our Own, Fanfiction.net or on blogging pltaforms like Livejournal or tumblr. Right now there are 147 739 stories for Marvel movies and comics, 117 139 stories for the TV show Supernatural, 83 974 for Harry Potter books, 42 652 for the band One Direction, 30 219 for the video game Dragon Age, and 13 855 for the theatre show Les Miserables on Archive of Our Own (which funds itself through donations and allows explicit content). On fanfiction.net (which funds itself through ad sales and therefore recently purged a lot of explicit content much to the dismay of its writers and readers) there are 393 000 stories for the anime series Naruto, 728 000 stories for Harry Potter books, 109 000 for the TV show Glee and so forth. In other words, it’s not really a marginal practice.
It’s not a new one either, Henry Jenkins - one of the key figures in early fanfiction scholarship - has traced the origins of it to the 1930s Fanzines, and placed it’s comeback in the late 1960s with the popularity of Star Trek (Jenkins, 1992). In the decades since internet fanfiction has become “an element of popular culture that is ever growing in popularity as new technologies enable native and non-native speaking fans from all over the globe to meet online to share, critique, and build upon each other’s fictions” (Black, 2004).
image: Nogitsune by teenwolffandom on DeviantArt
Isn’t fanfiction all about writing?
Separating reading fanfiction from writing fanfiction is problematic, because the convergence of the two is perhaps one of its defining characteristics and definitely one of the reasons for why it is often used as an example of produsage (Bruns, 2005, 2006) in audience, media and pop-culture studies. However, for the task at hand – to explore the experiences of digital reading - it makes sense to attempt. I couldn’t find reliable data on the proportions of fanfiction reader/writers compared to just readers, but we could extrapolate from the scholarship on the prevalence of produsage in analogous participatory practices (Bird, 2011) and assume, with the help of eminent new media scholar Jose Van Dijck (2009) and a Guardian report (Arthur, 2006) she has chosen to trust that only one in a hundred people are active online content producers, with 10 ‘interacting’ by commenting, and the remaining 89 simply viewing. Even if we think these proportions to have shifted since 2006 or are somewhat different in fandom culture, we shouldn’t underestimate the continuing practice of just listening online (used here as a conscious alternative to “lurking” cf. Crawford, 2009).
image: Fancy Dean by euclase on DeviantArt
Existing research on reading fanfiction
In general, reading fanfiction seems to have deserved less scholarly attention than writing and related communal or identity practices. To situate my current reading inquiry, I find helpful the work (Black, 2009) that notes the importance of headers (contain information on the canon, genre, rating, romantic pairings, languages used and warnings) and “author’s notes” sections (contain informal, emotional, non fandom-related messages for readers). I interpret both of these as reading guidelines.
Reading fanfiction has also been found to be far less like traditional print literacy. Fanfiction readers integrate their prior knowledge of the canon with the cues found in the web interface to construct meaning in sophisticated ways (Chandler-Olcott & Mahar, 2003). To be able to enjoy fanfic, readers have to understand its hybridity and intertextuality (Black, 2007).
By and large, there seem to be two categories of reading that has captured the interest of fanfiction scholarship:
Beta readers (cf. Black 2005, Karpovich, 2006 Mcwilliams et al 2011), who read a work of fiction with a critical eye, with the aim of improving grammar, spelling, characterization, and general style of a story prior to its release to the general public (fanfiction.net). In a sense, beta readers are voluntary, unpaid editors. The main difference is that they are, similarly to the writer, fans of the canon. Beta readers can amass quite a lot of status in the community, and are, as a norm, explicitly thanked in the header of the fic. This means they are discursively linked with the text’s authorship to a higher degree than editors in conventional publishing schemes are. Interestingly the publishing industry, in particular the self publishing segments of it, seems to have appropriated the concept of beta. When you look around for popular resources on beta readers online, most of them seem to be for and by people, who want to publish or self publish original fiction.
Reviewers (cf. Campbell et al 2015, Black 2009, Black 2005, Chatelain, 2003), are also portrayed as an important resource for writers. Reviews can be incredibly constructive (in particular for those writers, who are not writing in their first language) as well as relatively perfunctory, but still serve an important social function of networking, communication and community building.
But what about the rest of the readers/reading?
But howwwwww?!
Since the whole point of this exercise was to see, what we can find out about digital reading experiences by looking at how people read fanfiction, just focusing on reviewers and beta readers isn’t enough. So I asked some of my colleagues and friends, who read and study fanfiction.
It quickly became apparent that different people approached this question in rather different ways. Overlapping elements of motivation (why am I reading), reading intensity (binge reading or scrolling through a hashtag), reading commitment (immersion vs skipping over “boring” bits) reading curating (how I come across the stuff to read) and the emotional investment of reading (reading as a low emotional risk activity vs. emotionally risky reading) were evident in people’s descriptions of how they relate to reading fanfiction. These elements seem to configure into reading repertoires that people switch between with relative ease.
Based on my “data” and the existing scholarship I attempted reframing fanfiction reading experiences and came up with the following (mutually non-exclusive) map:
I’m going to set aside “reading roles within fandom” and “interactive responses to reading” for now and instead focus on the three remaining relations to reading I noticed in people’s fanfic reading.
Looking at the intensity of the reading experience, a rough split into two is possible:
Casual or habitual reading (was also called leisurely or feed-based) happens when a writer updates their story or their content gets reblogged onto your dash. It may also happen because as a reader, you are doing a routine check of all of your feeds before going to bed or because you have some empty time to fill. Neither the activity itself nor the need to read is particularly pressing.
The other kind is vigorous (also called active or intentional) reading. This means that reading material is sought out more urgently, reading immersion is higher and the motivation is more pressing. Typical examples of this are binge reading or reading routinely, but with a clear identification of it as a practice of self-care, stress management or escapism.
It also seems that emotional commitment or emotional stakes is an important way of framing reading experiences. Among the limited people I talked to, two contrasting descriptions were evident. These could be called low stakes and high stakes reading.
The low stakes reading means people only read pairings, tags and authors that they know they will like. They have created (probably by allocating significant time to this task at some prior point) a carefully curated “safe space” for themselves, where reading is diverting, but not demanding and where they can find suitable reading material quickly and with little effort. Thomas (2007) has written that fan fiction offers young writers a great existing storyline; interesting, three-dimensional characters that have already been developed; and a wealth of back story to both pull from and write about. I think this existing storyline/world is also extremely significant when it comes to reading.
And then for other readers, emotional stakes can be much higher. Reading fanfic can be slightly dangerous, as another member of the fandom can take a character to a place that clashes with how the reader thinks about the character or the fandom.
Finally, there is no escaping people’s motivation when reading. Why do we read what we read? What are we looking for, when we read fanfic? It’s interesting that while for some people choosing to read fanfiction already serves a specific need (escape, emotional release, stress-relief) but for others it is more nuanced. On a particular day, a particular reader looking for particular stimulation might, based on their reading expertise and repertoires, satisfy those needs by looking for a specific genre, pairing, or even traverse fandoms by following an author.
Here are some examples:
When we need joy or silliness, when we want to laugh WITH, we might choose crackfic (“Crackfic” is a term for a storywhich takes a ridiculous premise as its starting point, such as casting all the canon characters as My Little Ponies. It may or may not deal with this premise in a serious way. Source: fanlore.org)
to get off we might choose PWP (Plot, what plot? Or Porn without Plot, basically a story that mostly describes explicit sex)
to get lost in a story we might choose longfic or binge
for anger/catharsis we may pic a fix it fic (fix-it fic refers to a specific type of alternate universe story in which the author attempts to correct or rewrite something that they feel the original canon should not have done or failed to do properly. source: angelfire.com)
for catharsis, to get off and for self care we may follow a specific pairing (“ship”)
to wallow a little and enjoy the twinge of nostalgia, we may select old fandoms
and of course, we read our friend’s fics to strengthen social ties.
So what?
So what are we going to do with this?
First of all, I think there is something to say about how many filtering options fanfiction offers its readers and thus how much control it affords interested readers over their reading experience. You can, if you’re so inclined, curate your reading space with laser-like precision. You can choose the authors, hashtags, pairings, genres and trigger warnings to create repertoires or profiles of more and less emotional investment. You can fine-tune what you want your reading to make you feel. Consider the ‘control to effort’ ratio this has compared to reading jacket blurbs in bookstore, or reviews online. Is this what reading is moving towards? Would more people read original fiction if this level and ease of control would be possible? How is this connected to the availability of a loved and pre-existed universe created by the authors of the canon?
Secondly, of course, there is the inherent multimodality and hybridity of fanfiction texts. Sometimes they come with fanart, sometimes they come with playlist suggestions, sometimes, someone has recorded an audio version of the fic (podfic). They might be translated into multiple languages. Someone has probably made gifs from TV show screen-captures pairing them with text from a fic, making the fix-it interpretations of canon so much more persuasive. Affectively, fanfic can thus cover many more bases than original creative canons can. And again, control. By reading multimodally, we can pull the strings of our favorite fictional characters and make them behave in ways that soothes our weird little hurts and desires.
Thirdly, because the canon texts are often initially consumed alone, reading fanfiction allows people to get validation for their embarrassing, too-strong, fannish reactions to the canon. Even without writing, commenting, or going to conventions, reading fanfic offers proof that it’s not “weird” to have such affective reactions or enjoy those. Reading fanfic us thus low-investment validation for some aspects of our identities.
References:
Arthur, C. (2006) ‘What’s the 1% Rule?’, The Guardian (Technology section) 20 July, http://technology.guardian.co.uk/weekly/story/0,,1823959,00.html
Bird, S. E. (2011). Are We All Produsers Now ?, Cultural Studies, 25(September), 37–41.
Black, R. (2004). Access and Affiliation: The New Literacy Practices of English Language Learners in an Online Anime-based Fanfiction Community. Paper presented to the National Conference of Teachers of English Assembly for Research, Berkeley, CA.
Black, R. W. (2005). Access and affiliation : The literacy and composition practices of English-language learners in an online fanfiction community, Journal Of Adolescent & Adult Literacy, 49,118–128.
Black, R. W. (2007). Digital design: English language learners and reader reviews in online fiction. In M. Knobel & C. Lankshear (Eds.), A new literacies sampler (pp. 115-136). New York: Peter Lang.
Black, R. W. (2009). Online Fan Fiction , Global Identities , and Imagination, Research in the Teaching of English, 43, 397–425.
Black, R. W. (2009). Online Fan Fiction and Critical Media Literacy, Journal of Computing in Teacher Education, 26, 75-80
Bruns, A. (2006) Towards Produsage: Futures for User-Led Content Production, [online] Available at: http://eprints.qut.edu.au/4863/1/4863_1.pdf, 1?10
Chandler-Olcott, K., & Mahar, D. (2003). Adolescents’ anime - inspired “ fanfictions ”: An exploration of Multiliteracies, Journal of Adolescent and Adult Literacy, 46, 556–566.556–566.
Chatelain, Julianne. “Learning from the Review Culture of Fan Fiction.” Journal of Digital Information 3.3 (2003).
Crawford, K. (2009). Following you: Disciplines of listening in social media. Continuum, 23(4), 525–535.
van Dijck, J. (2009) ‘Users like you? Theorizing agency in user-generated content’, Media Culture Society, vol. 31, no. 1, pp. 41?58.
Gee, J. 2004. Situated Language and Learning: A Critique of Traditional Schooling.New York: Routledge
Jenkins, H. (1992) Textual Poachers: Television Fans and Participatory Culture, New York, Routledge.
Jenkins, H. (2004). Why Heather Can Write. MIT Technology Review. February. technologyre- view.com/articles/04/02/wo_jenkins020604.asp?p?1
Jenkins, H. (2006) Convergence Culture. Where Old and New Media Collide, New York and London, New York University Press.
Jenkins, H. (2007) ‘‘Afterword: the future of fandom’, in Fandom, eds J. Gray, C. Sandvoss & C. L. Harrington, New York, New York University Press, pp. 357-364.
Karpovich, A.I. (2006). The Audience as Editor: The Role of Beta Readers in Online Fan Fiction Communities, In Busse, K., Hellekson, K. (Eds) Fan Fiction And Fan Communities In The Age Of The Internet, 171-73
Levy, P. (1997) Collective Intelligence: Mankind’s Emerging World in Cyberspace. New York and London: Plenum Press.
Levy,F. and Murnane,R. 2004. The New Division of Labor:How Computers Are Creating the Next Job Market.New York: Sage University Press
Luke,C. 1997. Technological Literacy. Melbourne: Language Australia.
Mar, R. A., & Mullin, J. (2011). Emotion and narrative fiction : Interactive influences before, during, and after reading, 25, 818–834.
Mar, R. A., & Oatley, K. (2008). The Function of Fiction is the Abstraction and Simulation of Social Experience, Perspectives on Psychology Science, 3, 173-192-
Mar, R. A., Oatley, K., & Peterson, J. B. (2009). Exploring the link between reading fiction and empathy : Ruling out individual differences and examining outcomes, 34, 407-428.
Mcwilliams, J., Hickey, D. T., Hines, M. B., Conner, J. M., & Bishop, S. C. (2011). Using Collaborative Writing Tools for Literary Analysis : Twitter , Fan Fiction and The Crucible in the Secondary English Classroom Voices from the Field :, 3, 238–245.
Miall, D., Kuiken, D., Miall, D. S., & Kuiken, D. (2002). A feeling for fiction : Becoming what we behold A feeling for fiction : becoming what we behold, Poetics, 30, 221-241.
Olin-Scheller, C., & Wikstrom, P. (2010). Literary Prosumers: Young People’s Reading and Writing in a New Media Landscape, 1(1).
Parrish, J. J. (2007). Inventing a Universe: Reading and Writing Internet Fan Fiction. Ph.D. Diss. Pittsburgh: U of Pittsburgh.
Pich, H. (2013-2014). Talking back: ‘Fanfiction, fandom and the collapse of the fourth wall,’ Voiceworks, 95, 63-65.
Thomas, A. (2007). Blurring and Breaking through the Boundaries of Narrative, Literacy, and Identity in Adolescent Fan Fiction. In M. Knobel & C. Lankshear (Eds.), A new literacies sampler (pp. 137 - 167). New York: Peter Lang.
D’Avin: Ladies first Dutch: Rarely, in my experience D’Avin: Then they’re doing it wrong
John: I’ll be the lady Dutch: Yes, ma'am
The Geek Girls Litany for Feminism by Sam Maggs
I had a day off this weekend from shooting Supernatural, and I was walking around downtown Vancouver on Saturday, sampling all the artisan coffee I could get my throat around. At one point I saw a pair of guys walking towards me wearing gamer shirts. Black short-sleeved, one Halo and one Call of...

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I love this post so much
my hand slipped
with their new hit song, “Randomly Searching 4 U”
I am re-reblogging just because that was so good
#purple #flowers #garden #backyard #nofilter
i forgot how beautiful England is in the summertime.
image by © @DanGilfillan 2013
because procrastination knows no bounds
No, I like that you’re bi. It’s hot!
Multiple ex-boyfriends and straight male friends when I came out to them. It made me feel objectified, invalidated and othered. If I am going to hook up with a woman, it doesn’t mean I’m going to bring you, boys! (via microaggressions)

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming