Intern Lyfe

Little did they know How I cry myself to sleep every night, How I still miss him, How I still crave him, How I still hold on to the promises he made, To the future we built together In our dreams. How sometimes I cry at work, On my commute, Randomly, Out of nowhere. How sometimes he visits me in my dreams, How I have the urge to tell him every time I see something random On the street Or on my feed. How every little thing reminds me of him.

I guess at this point, I just come here to write once a year. hehehe.

So in my last entry, I wrote about how excited I was to manage coming back to Ipoh, living with my family and secure a job. Guess what, now, I am coming back to KL. LOL. After more than a year working there and stay with my family. I just learned that maybe, for now, I belong to the city life and working culture in KL. Ipoh just doesn't suit me for now. Maybe for now, Ipoh is best to stay as my hometown, until the right time come.

This year, I have experienced falling in love, planning for marriage, break up, change job and moving back to another city, all in a span of a year. Crazy isn't it? Well, now I can see why people say "Life's crazy isn't it?".

I fell in love with a guy that I never thought I would. Younger than me, an "ex-playboy", same work place (we're even in the same team, I was his superior. yes, LOL.), not yet stable financially (and even emotionally, but he make it seems like he was very mature), and even physical wise, not really someone that I will fall for, but looks and physical always come later for me. I have no idea how and when I actually fell for him, but I think, it's the connection and also how warm and comfortable I felt when I was with him. We enjoyed working, staying up late and talking together. Everything came off so naturally and he always be vulnerable with me. Talking about himself and his life that I felt so close to him, relatable and somehow I feel like I knew him for a long time eventho we just knew each other for a few months at that time and the only interaction we had was at the office and work related.

He pursued me since early this year. I think around March or April? Fast forward, we were officially together on August, 10. Everything was great, wonderful if I may say. Yela, first relationship aku kut. Like I don't know how it feels like to be in a relationship and it was quite awkward for me. So let him lead. On 30th August he brought me to see his mother. I've met his mother before during ramadhan, twice. But at that time we were just colleague. Ni he officially introduce me as someone special to his mother. We met at a cafe and after that he brought me to Merdeka celebration to see Merdeka fireworks. We only manage to see it from the car sebab jam teruk masa tu but I prefer it that way. It was my first time seeing Merdeka firework so near. and I really love car date. The first month was the happiest. Biasalah, honeymoon mood kan. The second month, we were still in honeymoon phase, but i started to sense slight red flag from him. But I choose to ignore. I tegur baik-baik and he seems to accept it just fine then we just continue living, like nothing happen la. He knew just the right words to say and the right action to take. He knew my favorite things and always tried his best to give what I want eventho I never asked for it. He brought me to dates and sight seeing at places that he knew I love. He took notes of everything I like. He did a bucket list for our dates.

Things are getting serious when we started to talk about getting married. He was the one who have a folder full of wedding concepts and package on his IG save. He was the one who asked me to start surveying for wedding package. He was the one who brought it up to his mother when we stop by at Seri Iskandar for dinner (back from our dates) and a quick meet up with his mother. He was the one who already have the concept plan from nikah, reception and even pre-wedding. He even asked about who I want to hire for my wedding make up when I couldn't even care less for that. LOL. He was the one who always talked about our future together and plan so many things for our future, and in the end, he was the one who fumble.

About a week before our relationship hit the third month, I found out the things that he had been doing behind my back. He cheated. Not with one, but multiple. I'm not sure since when, since our relationship pun baru sangat, but I believe he had been doing it since the start of our relationship. I waited for a few days before telling him that I knew everything that he did behind my back. But while waiting for that moment, I have to act normal. I still texted him and it just happen that the day I uncover the truth, he called me that night (we rarely call each other. I think sepanjang relationship ni ada la dalam tak sampai 5x we OTP). So I just cakap macam biasa and borak like nothing happen. Only Allah know how broken I was at that time.

I broke things off with him, amicably. No fighting, no screaming, takde makian apa langsung. I just said what I want to say. He did ask for second chance, but I cannot continue a relationship where I have no trust and respect to the person dah. and he was the cause of the lost in trust and respect. I tried my best to build my trust and respect for him and look at him as my future husband, someone I will follow the lead. But he was the one who destroy those things. He choose to do that and I have to respect his choice. Since he had made his choice to cheat, I gotta make my own choice and show respect to myself. I choose to let go.

It was hard for me, but I have to keep reminding myself that he choose to disrespect me and the relationship that we had. He was selfish. Why would I keep someone who will continue to disrespect me? plus it is also disrespectful for my parents, when he decide to broke me. My parents pun jaga hati and appreciate anak-anak dorang, yang mamat ni senang-senang je sakitkan hati and underappreciate me.

I will be lying that if I say it's easy to move on. Eventho what he did to me was terrible that some people will choose to hate the type of person he is, but I just couldn't bring myself to hate him. There are still some love left for him. There are still some tiny space in my heart for him. Cus I see so much potential in him and in our relationship only if he not fumble. But I guess, that's where I went wrong. I fell for his potential. I mean, I do fell for his character and attitude that he showed me, but I think I fell more for the potential that he had and what he could become one day. That is where I was wrong. Plus, I knew that he hasn't fully healed from his past and tak puas enjoy lagi. He was not ready for a committed relationship eventho he said he was. I should have know better to protect my heart from him and also the heart break.

Now I understand when people said, it's very hard to move on eventho they did bad things to us. But in the end we gotta choose ourselves. I believe that marriage and relationship does not thrive solely on love. Respect, loyalty, honesty and trust are the foundation of a healthy relationship and I will always seek and prioritize these 4 in any type of connection. Love may fade with time. It can even sometimes confuse with lust. It does not promise peace in life. But with these 4 things, it will give you the peace that you are looking for. I also tell myself, "Jangan mencintai seseorang hanya dengan hati, tapi cintailah sesorang tu dengan akal fikiran juga" Dah kalau merosakkan dan serabutkan diri, blah jela. Tunggu buat apa lagi tah. Sebab sayang? sayang apa?

But I also couldn't deny that there was good parts of him. Selama 3 bulan with him, he always make sure that I'm safe and never did I ever need to spend a single cents during our date etc. He was the one who willingly to spend his money on me. Tapi itulah, maybe he was just a lesson untuk hati saya yang keras. and maybe, there are times yang I ter 'riak' tanpa sengaja because I was super protective of my heart and i don't want to get hurt and cheated in a relationship so bad, which is the reason why previously I avoid to be in a relationship at all cost. Even masa awal-awal relationship pun, i pernah terdetik dalam hati, because our relationship was so smooth sailing and we have good communication with each other that, I pernah terdetik "what could go wrong?" and BAM! Allah tunjuk dekat aku the biggest betrayal ever.

But takpelah, at least tak jadi kahwin and we were still at our early stage. So takdelah buang masa sangat. I hope the outcome from this will change both of us to be a better person in future. I never regret knowing him. I knew that at that time, he needs me..and I also need him. We met by fate, and we separated by fate. I hope we won't be crossing paths in future because it still stings my heart and disgust me whenever I see his face and nope, I don't hate him.

23.06.23

There’s a lot of things happening in my life since the last time I wrote here, which almost 2 years ago I guess XD.

To cut things short, I survived working at EMGS for almost 2 years from October 2021 until March 2023. I’ve decided to come back to Ipoh during Ramadhan this year because I wanted to settle down here and live with my parents while they are still healthy and while am still not married. Ye la..even though I don’t know when, but eventually I will get married kalau ada jodoh and have to live away from my family. so sementara ada peluang I wanted to spend time with my family as much as I can.

So after I came back to Ipoh, I got appendix and went through surgery..after that I got bad cough for more than a month and a sudden allergic which was so bad I fainted a few times at the hospital Emergency Room. I still need to go for follow up for my allergy cus it does not seem to torn down and always falre up whenever I’m stress.

A few days after I fully recovered from appendix (which took one whole month), I got a job in a digital agency called Social Leap, doing creative strategy & Facebook Ad Buy. I was really enjoying my job cus it’s something that I always wanted to learn and do, which is writing and creative thinking.

After a month plus working there, I got an offer from the company yg I nakkkkkk sangat kerja in Ipoh. Memang sumpah dream comes true ya. Just as much as I wanted to work at EMGS, macam tu la aku teringin nak kerja dekat company yang aku dapat ni cuma bezanya this company based in Ipoh. But it’s a GLC company working closely with the state government and I’m under their coms department.

long time no write.

So many things happen for the past few months in my life. In January, I manage to finish my thesis and completed viva with flying colours, now waiting for my graduation which probably on November? on March, i got permanent appointment from the company and all sorts of company benefits, and then I can’t remember which month but I went to Langkawi for the first time and also on flight for the first time ever in my life. I was also part of the team who handled multiple company events which involves high profile personnel and also multiple stays at 5 stars hotel in KL that I never ever dream of (I have stayed in Grand Hyatt, EQ, and Four Seasons for our company events). Coming up, me and some of the team members will need to go to Sarawak, probably early next week, to recce for our launch event which tentatively to be on October. So this will be my first time ever visiting Sarawak. and for our company family day this year, we will be going to Johor and Singapore to visit Universal Studio Singapore. which again, will be my first time ever to step foot on Johor, Singapore and also USS!

Plus, I manage to secure a full loan from a bank last week to purchase a house in Ipoh! Yes, buying my first house very soon at the age of 27!

My life sounds super exciting, fun and scream successful isn’t it?

But what people don’t see is how stressful my life is having to work day and night (yes, I literally work from 9am until 7pm or 8pm almost everyday), need to standby almost every weekend for any rush job (now dah 4 weeks standby to do postings) and need to work on weekend for any pending job yg tak sempat siap during weekdays. Getting dump with many last minute job without proper brief and many more lah. and since I’m the youngest and the most junior in the team, I need to put up with everyone’s shit. Plus, I’m being underestimated most of the time and yet being told that I supposedly know how to manage the job at the same time since I came from advertising agency background. Yeah sounds fun and confusing at the same time isn’t it? It’s also been almost a month since the last time I went back to visit my family in Ipoh. Nak cuti pun susah sangat. and bila balik Ipoh on weekend, time tula nak contact suruh buat kerja like they have no respect at all for me and my time while they are well aware that I rarely meet my family. 

So how do I spend my weekend here in Keyel? do nothing. memerap in the room cus I have no friends here. The only friend I have here is Farina but she’s in Shah Alam and seems to make no effort to contact me at all even when she came to Keyel once in a while. and she seems to not want to care about my new job nor life which makes me feel uncomfortable to share it with her. I have no problem going out alone but lalu ke nak keluar sorang2 every week? I need someone to talk to and hangout with apart from my family. I need something to look forward on weekend. Yes, I have no problem at all to go out alone and walk around KL alone but the thoughts of being alone and having no one to share the joy and converse to hinder my plan to go out. so I ended up in my room most of the weekends.

Amin, the so called my bff in Ipoh, pun dah jarang contact aku sb he has new friends and clique whom he hang out with. Yg boleh dengar segala cerita dia. so obviously aku dah tak dipandang. People only see me when they have no one to turn to but when they have someone else, tanpa segan silu and tanpa fikir pasal perasan aku they will dump me. sometimes i feel like toilet paper. People only search for me to clean up their shit and dump me once done and once they have other things to do. like fuck you all. Maybe it’s my fault as well for being too available and being the yes man to everyone. Konon terpaling supportive, so padanlah kena treat like shit. Lol

But tbh, I feel like I’m at my limit now, if not for responsibility and nak jaga air muka sendiri, I have packed my bag and balik ipoh dah semalam or today. Like sumpah sunyi gila. I need a company. I need someone who I can have a conversation with me tak kisah la over a coffee ke, over a croissant ke or over a roti canai mamak ke.. I don’t mind. I just need someone to talk to. Someone to share my laughter and silly jokes, someone I can rant about my job and life, someone who willing to have a night walk or night drive with me. Someone whom I can share my little achievement with and them being genuinely happy and supportive about it..

Today is my second week in KL and as a hired person! Funny that I always came back to blogging whenever I am away from my family or started a new life. Guess cus I have no one to talk to kot!

Anyway, as usual my process of moving to here from Ipoh was rushed. When I received a call from my ex-boss way back during my internship, I was told to start maybe on 15 November or earliest 1st November. It was in the middle of October. So I agreed. Plus I have been waiting for this job for one year. But few days after that I received a text from my lady boss to report earlier. When I said earlier, it is EARLY! She asked me to start on 20th October. Can you imagine, she told me last minute and I have less than a week to find place to settled in. In fact only few hours cus I need to give her confirmation on the same day. LOL. Luckily I found a place very near to LRT (walking distance). It’s a very nice and resort style condo in Gombak. I really like it here. It’s just that the LRT area is a bit empty and quiet at night. I rent a middle room and this house got no living room at all cus the owner convert it to rooms. So basically there are 3 real rooms in this house (including mine) and another 3 partitions room in the living room. The partition rooms look quite comfortable it’s just that they don’t have windows, only small window for air ventilation.

My room is big! This is the biggest room I ever rented. Plus point the window scenery is nice and I get to here the birds chirping everyday. I will share room and condo tour if I have time later later. Haha.

So about my job here. I am currently working in a branding and marketing department as a consultant. My real position is an executive but currently since I am on contract they put me as a consultant first. Hopefully I got permanent appointment soon, insyaAllah.

So far, I like my job. I am trying to cope with a lot of things here. Working style, process, the people and many more. But I must say the salary and benefits they give here is the best I have ever seen so far. Senang cerita if this is what my previous agency gave me, I will DEFINITELY NOT LEAVING THEM. But since this new company gave me all these benefits and salary, so I AM NOT LEAVING THEM UNLESS THEY WANT ME TO. Hahahahaha.

Eventho it’s my second week working, I am still trying to cope with everyting. Especially because I have not been working for quite a long time since my last job. I think around 5-6 months since my last job.

There are a lot of exciting thing that I would love to share about my job but let me keep it first cus afraid if I tell everything in one go then they will be no more story to tell.

Oh, it’s almost 6p.m. I want to go for a walk around my condo cus they have this amazing walking/jogging track that makes me feel so close to nature. Over kan ayat I? hahaha.

My second week here in Shah Alam and also back to the office. Finally I can breath a little yesterday I guess? I really am not looking forward to next week cus when things seems almost settle, there’s always another problems popping up that I can’t even have space to breath in.

Yes, the client am currently handling is super crazy, the supplier was no way helping at all and the leaders was not much of a help either. I have to handle 4 videos at one time and other side jobs. As if handling one video does not hard enough, one of the video job we got is a rush job. Client briefed us last Monday and they expect to see 1st draft by Tuesday when script were just approved yesterday (Friday) and all materials were also shared yesterday. Gila betul. Dia ingat semua orang takde life ya. At the same time, I have other video project running for them. Sumpah penat. Everyday I feel like quitting and not even one day passed without me feel like puking or experience palpitations. Yes, everyday nervous, everyday seram sejuk even weekend pun I rasa restless. 

The leaders pun not helping at all. They were expecting too much from me. They forgot that I have not been working for 2 years so of course I cannot remember everything and need time to digest stuffs etc. Plus, handling video projects are not easy. Even my colleagues who’s been working with them for 4 years also informed me that she cannot handle other stuffs if they want her to handle the 3 videos project. But now, here I am...handling 4 videos in one go with other side projects in my pocket and when I missed out things people were saying I’m incompetent. There was no proper handover since the very beginning, the projects itself were messy as hell from the start and when I missed out things I am the one who being scold. Unreasonable I must say.

Dah la the leaders are not in good terms so semuanya mencari pasal. Arahan lain-lain from both leaders and bertukar-tukar ya every day. Lepas tu dorang lupa yang dorang bagi arahan tu then aku lah yang kena marah. Our initial production house (supplier) is soooooooo problematic that they gave us heart attack every week ya that my leaders decided to terminate them halfway. Tak pernah sehari pun aku tenang ya bekerja dengan mereka. Now dah tukar production house rasa maybe macam okay sikit kut. but seriously aku rasa macam dah tak tahan la nak kerja sini. cus it’s just too much to handle.

I even told the female leader that I cannot work anymore cus I feel like not only I affect the team badly but it also affect my health in a bad way. my first week working was like a living hell. I was getting scolded almost everyday by the male leader saying that I don’t know this project fully when I was just started and not being briefed properly. Plus I was working from home at that time so he often pointing fingers towards me saying that there’s a lot of miscommunication between me and the rest of the team. It was taking a toll on my health at that time. I had ulcer on my tongue (which I never had for the rest of my life), my period came 14 days earlier and it was just for one day (also never experience in my life) and my hands were becoming rough and peeling by itself (which also I never had experienced this for the rest of my life). Dah la begitu, it also affect my self-esteem badly. Up to today, I felt useless and not doing a great job when in fact I knew that I am much better that what they see.

They already asked me to continue my contract until August, but I haven’t signed yet. I really don’t want to do things that affect me negatively anymore. The reason I came back to this agency was because the lady leader was asking for my help. As someone who have seen me grew in this industry and someone who and who I had learnt a lot, of course I agree to help. But if it’s becoming too much for me.. I guess I also have to consider about myself.

I hope better weeks are coming.

So I am going to living away from my family again after 2 years of living with them. Feel a bit devastated cus it was like all of a sudden plus I know that I need to go and face a possibly unwanted scenario. 

I have been working back with my previous company for almost 2 weeks. The arrangement is, I work from home in Ipoh and only come to the office when times are busy which probably not going to happen soon. and if I am to come, the company will give me 1 week notice for me to settle down. Well, that’s what I thought.

The thing is, in a span of a week, I have traveled interstate twice to the office. First time was due to my own laptop broken down and computer shops seems to run out of laptop. or if they do have, it was damn overpriced. So my boss asked me to come and get the office laptop. That’s exactly what I did. But before I came, I asked if she needs me to stay in Shah Alam, cus if yes, then I’m going to arrange it accordingly. She said no cus all seems to be fine. So I came to Shah Alam, fetch the laptop and went back to Ipoh. Until last Thursday evening, when I think I can finally breath cus the messiest part of the project has been completed... suddenly I got a text calling me back to the office cus things have gotten so messed up. and just like that a 4 days long holidays (CNY + Weekend) seems to go down the drain.

Things has gotten so messed up due to the pillars having contradicting opinions and do not want to communicate with each others. So us the workers were and are still having hard time in doing our jobs especially me, cus the project I’m currently manage need the involvement of these two pillars. The MCO and SOPs also not helping at all plus our client and suppliers are just making it worst.

So those are only bits of what I need to face in less that 24 hour. I am really not looking forward to next week. But I do pray that Allah may ease everything.

Is my little sister replacing me? I feel that’s likely the case because I can feel my mother affection towards me is getting less and less.

So I watched The Game yesterday after searching for film that have similar theme to Fight Club (Hands down, my all time favorite) and this movie pop out among other list suggested by Google under the same director, David Fincher. 

Frankly speaking, I am unsure about my feeling after watching this movie. Maybe because I saw the rating and synopsis prior to watching it and somehow have set my expectation quite high, due to the rating. But I did not read any reviews beforehand.

The main character was being portrayed as someone with cold hearted, high ego and self-centered due to his high reputation in the investment business. Throughout this story, the director give hints about the main character childhood trauma, which is the suicidal of his father. It is unknown the cause of his father suicidal act and also his relationship to his father. But his father and somehow the tragedy, has shaped him of becoming who he is. 

There are a lot of plot hole in the story. The director seems trying hard to leave signs and make viewer wonder about the signs but at the end, the signs does not carry any meaning at all. For example, there are few scenes that seems to show that “the keys” will help the main character to unlock for something big or maybe will help in the time of need. Yet, the key does not really have its significant addition to the plot, rather than unlocking the brief case and lift.

Some of the characters also make us wonder, like the main character’s brother, who’s hopeless but not really hopeless (LOL). and other characters that suddenly appear and make viewers wait for their climax role. Yet they left the scene making the viewers wonder why they appear in the first place. Viewers only found out that those characters are actually part of the game or being hired by the company at the end of the film. But I feel dissatisfied as in why certain character that can be develop are being left hanging.

All in all, the movie itself is like a an incomplete mess up puzzle. The director intend of leaving tons of clues and let the viewers collect and complete it yet too many insignificant clues are being provided. The plot was rather slow and the ending is something unexpected, not in a good way.

Maybe there are a lot of other aspects that I missed out when I watched this film. Plus, I am not familiar with noir film, but it certainly not that good movie for me. 

I hope someday, I can find someone whom I can share these things. Have a deep conversation with. Someone who wants to take me on a night walk and night coffee date. Someone who enjoys road trip and night ride. Someone who support me in pursuing my dreams and studies. Have respects not just for me, but for my parents, his parents and of course, himself the most.

It was for Advance Communication Theory class. We selected the topic last week and will present for 5 or 6 week if I’m not mistaken. I chose topic to present for week 1 cus I’m afraid I will be too occupied with other assignments for the other weeks.

I was the fourth presenter and was very nervous because 1) I’m not feeling well ( I kena hujan the evening before class ! and it was haze badly weeks before that) 2) the other presenter was being questioned and critique (eventho it was not that bad, but still the thought of not being able to make people understand and not knowing what to answer to queries makes me want to puke). 

But alhamdulillah everything went well. The prof likes my presentation and said it was very clear. He even agreed with my critique on the theory. No questions from the floor and even from the profs. Fuhhh lega I.

leave me

don’t let me hanging here alone

don’t treat me like a doll

that you come and play

when you are boring

Please do not come to me and say that you care

Please do not come to me and show that you care

Only for you to leave me stranded and broken

I need love