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“The real trick is not letting the neighbours know how much I regret having five children – and the treat is the half a Xanax and bottle of wine I’ll down when we get home.”

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“The thing is, Percy, I don’t have to outrun that brown bear back there – I just have to outrun you.”

“I agree Bob – our impending mortality is hilarious. And if old age doesn’t get you, diabetes or a heart attack will because I cooked your egg white omelette in bacon fat and gave you non-diet Coke.”

John was wont to change his mind. One moment he was up, sometimes he was down. 

Barry suddenly longed for the pond from whence he came, feeling - as his mother had cautioned him - like a big fish in a small pond. 

Kevin believed in intuitive writing - he wanted the words to flow freely from him, without being bogged down by “sentence structure” and “spelling”.

“Sometimes, after a long swim in my five-inch heels, I like to douse myself in fresh milk. Full cream only.”

John’s sinusitis was starting to affect his productivity.

By the time the family found Eggbert, he’d already taken his life by flipping onto the dinner table.

John thought it best to break the news via email that they’d omitted one key element of the rubber ducky design: floatability. 

“Be the ball, Hendrick, imagine what’s inside the ball. Crack the ball. But don’t crack the ball because we only have one sample.”

“I think we need to be more literal - I just don’t know if it makes the bread the hero. Brad, give me baguette lover loses himself in field of wheat.”

Switching from Chocolate Sugar Puffs to Low GI Wheat Bran was bringing out Harry’s darker side.

“Paula, your cousin’s invited us to her birthday party. I swear on my mother’s grave, if it’s ‘Sparkly Collars and Salmon Leftovers’ again, I’m not going.”  

Just when the Amish-Mennonite mixer was reaching its peak, Candy ripped up the dance floor with the always popular, ‘Jebediah’s Jam’

“Because I’m such a creative unicorn, I don’t subscribe to conventional societal notions like “offices”, “desks” or “haemorrhoids”.”