The Better Hawkeye

[📱to Iron Dude ] don’t [📱to Iron Dude ] don’t, what is this? pre-flirting? are you pre-flirting with your girlfriend right now? [📱to Iron Dude ] I didn’t even know pre-flirting was a thing [📱to Iron Dude ] you’re like eighty, go actual flirt with your girlfriend not in my text messages

[📱to Unknown ] whoops you’re not Clint Barton [📱to Unknown ] actually bonus, less chance of Jeff-related mishap this way [📱to Unknown ] I feel like there has to be a baby somewhere out there that steals clothes and puts holes in furniture [📱to Unknown ] I’ve watched the post-credits to the first Incredibles, and I’ve also seen Reed Richards do the stretchy thing, I can put two and two together [...] [📱to Unknown ] real talk [📱to Unknown ] will you babysit my land shark?

[📱to Not Clint Barton ] I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to make up for shooting an arrow at you [📱to Not Clint Barton ] and step one is bad puns [📱to Not Clint Barton ] Shout out to anyone who doesn’t know the opposite of “in”! [📱to Not Clint Barton ] Never trust stairs— they’re always up to something. [📱to Not Clint Barton ] I had a neck brace fitted many years ago and since then, I’ve never looked back. [...] [📱to Not Clint Barton ] these are futzing awful omg [📱to Not Clint Barton ] one more [📱to Not Clint Barton ] I watched this show about beavers and I swear it was the best dam documentary I’ve ever seen. [📱to Not Clint Barton ] have I made this situation better, or worse?

[📱to Gretchen Wieners ] why do naps always make you feel like you’re between two planes of existence [📱to Gretchen Wieners ] am I hungry, or am I going to throw up? [📱to Gretchen Wieners ] what year is it [📱to Gretchen Wieners ] has Bezos been robbed for all he’s worth yet or should I go back to sleep

[📱to Iron Dude ] [image attachment: a quick photo Kate snagged with Tony all covered in alien goo] [📱to Iron Dude ] this is it, this is the whole reason I wanted your number, to immortalize this moment right here [📱to Iron Dude ] I think it’s a good look on you, personally, the goo matches your eyes

[📱to Arges ] 😎🧨🔥 [📱to Arges ] it you [📱to Arges ] pretty poggers tho we should hang out

[📱to The Disaster Artist ] boy do I have the pitch for you! [📱to Unknown ] have you ever felt like you have too many clothes? that your furniture just isn’t holey enough for you? have you ever found yourself sitting down and relaxing, and lacking an acute sense of anxiety over whether or not someone somewhere is eating something they shouldn’t be? well, starting today, you can be one of the lucky few to experience Jeff! act now, don’t miss this once in a lifetime opportunity! [📱to Unknown ] listen I need a babysitter, please

[📱to Wrong Actually ] since I needed to in order to win this argument [...] [📱to Wrong Actually ] are you discounting Lucky right now? I’m insulted on behalf of my dog [📱to Wrong Actually ] how dare you [📱to Wrong Actually ] he’s an important and essential part of my team, and if he wants to assist in drunk pizza he gets to assist in drunk pizza

[...] [📱to The Crossbow Killer ] [video attachment: bow-mounted camera footage of Kate aiming the other direction at a target that’s obviously in her apartment. The window is open a crack; she makes it.] [📱to The Crossbow Killer ] you going to take an O?

[📱to The Crossbow Killer ] [video attachment: bow-mounted camera footage of Kate firing straight up, slow pan down as the arrow arcs to hit a bullseye on the next building over] [📱to The Crossbow Killer ] we’re officially playing HORSE but with bows, make /that/

[📱to Purple the Second ] which Superboy? [📱to Purple the Second ] no promises Jeff won’t try to gnaw his arm off, too, and answer dependent that might be fun to watch [📱to Purple the Second ] double team [📱to Purple the Second ] King Shark on one arm, Jeff on the other

[📱to Purple the Second ] [image attachment: Jeff the Landshark, chewing on Kate’s bedpost] [📱to Purple the Second ] want to babysit? [📱to Purple the Second ] he’s a delight