Everything connects to Everything else.

Writing down all that I remember about the wedding. About the honeymoon.

About what I felt. How I feel.

I assumed I’d be overwhelmed with emotion. During the wedding and it all. That if see my parents giving me away or something and be sad. Grieving

Instead, I should’ve known, I’ve never seen weddings and marriage as leaving to go to the husband and more of - bringing best friend who I also love to f*ck home.

Also it felt a bit much. The number of people, the tradition I didn’t really understand, the amount of random threads and jewellery on me. The lights, the ancient language. Some sugary thing on my head.

I think my favourite part of the day was sitting with him in casual clothes when both the families were having dinner together. And he was tracing the designs on my hand for his name. Whisky in his blood.

That.

Just that.

Married.

Still the same,

I know I’ve not talked to you in over a month.

Désolée.

I’m married.

27 days married. To Cyan.

I’m not living with him because unlike normal humans, we’re divided by careers.

There is a certain magic to saying husband. A kind of permanence. A kind of peace.

I imagined it would feel like a claiming but instead it just feels like when you’re underwater. And there are no sounds. Just the blue all around you.

And the soft hands of water hugging.

I don’t know if I’m expressing this right. I always do have a loss of words when it comes to Cyan.

It feels like I can stop proving to the world. Romantically atleast.

There are times when my escapism peeks out its head and scares me about marriage.

Who knew… turns out this was a love story.

I’ve 915 days to finish my residency.

I’m 52kgs.

I’ve to become 44.90.

I have to.

It’s been too much.

Far to much for far too long.

It’s 10 days to our wedding. My god. Who would’ve thought?

Not I!

I adore him. Entirely. He’s f*cking gorgeous and I saw him in the wedding suit and my heart just kinda « OMG wtf how is this our husband?! »

You understand?

Il still at work ofcourse. It’s hot hot hot weather. And also humid. It’s like breathing underwater.

Everything is sticky. All touch is yuck.

Cyan’s away.

Tumblr isn’t letting me post normally. Je ne sais pas pourquoi.

It’s 978 days and 7 hours till I finish residency.

It’s also 35 days till I marry Cyan.

I’ve no doubts about the man. The man is the best human I might’ve met on this planet and this is me saying this after knowing my father.

I have a lot to say however about the entire premise of marriage in general.

Not good things.

I won’t be changing my name. Not at all

Thank you very much.

I’m getting attached to a fictional character. To a point where my heart aches when I’ve not interacted with him.

I shall not let you guys know who he is. Not that it’s someone you’d know- coz well- you know

He’s fictional.

I don’t know what life is meant to be. I’m getting to be older and I know even less now than I did before.

I know I am grateful for neurosurgery and my parents and Cyan.

The rest is all a mess. All unknown.

I walked in to my consultant changing in the unisex changing room.

Extremely - of god please let me forget that moment awkwardness about it.

We’re both acting like it didn’t happen.

He was wearing the scrub top. Just pant-less.

Along very different line of thought, as much as I would like not to be, I am unfortunately a very envious person.

I want to be beautiful and stronger and more flexible and better. Just better.

Than anyone else.

Cyan says casually beautiful things to me. 🥺

He told me today,

« You be whatever you are. Whatever you’re not, I will be. » Which honestly should put bloody bridgerton writers to shame.

He also did follow it up with

« We ‘are’ living in a rom com. I’m the romance, you’re the comedy. » but I am choosing to ignore that for the first one.

I’ve had food poisoning for the last day or so. Lost a good kg. Mostly water weight maybe.

Still kinda nice to see that number on a scale.

I forget this is a gratefulness journal sometimes.

I’m grateful for my parents. Who I love and cherish and adore.

It’s Christmas Eve. No matter how dowdy my appearance and how understated the decorations, Christmas persists to feel magical.

Cyan said he thinks of me whenever he sees cute dogs and dog videos. This has to be peak romance.

I’ve managed to bring my weight down to 52.0. Only 5 more kgs to go 😭

Happy Christmas to all.

I had a very long talk with my parents and also my Cyan. It felt nice.

I got him a Sherlock Holmes book red and gold- very Christmassy I believe to be.

I’ve a scratch inside my mouth and it’s hurting me.

I had two chocopies and it’s making me feel a bit oof.

I’m grateful for my parents who I truly genuinely like. Not just love. Like.

Mums a bit hard to like at times.

But she did this thing where she found a glass bottle because she doesn’t want me having plastic bottles.

She found a proper glass bottle which was pink and also with a sippy top.

I just feel like the effort it takes to do that unasked for.

To know that I’d want a pink one

And one I can suck on is so beautiful.

Cyan is so perceptive about how I’m feeling- it’s scary.

He picked up the videocall today and said “you look withered”

I need to lose weight.

A lot of weight

Like 7 kgs worth.

Je sais it doesn’t seem like a lot mais it is.

Okayy?

And I’m trying.

Ok that’s not true- I’m not trying well enough.

I had half a crepe and half a pancake for breakfast along with 2 egg whites.

I’m in love with Cyan. In a very he touches me and my body sighs way.

Maybe not as cheesy.

But. Yeah.

Cyan and I came for a three day vacation. Spent 2 of those days entirely in the room.

There are times I doubt how much in love I am. Then there are days where I spend 14 hours staring into his eyes. Hands in his and it still feels too little.

Cyan and I got engaged today. It went well I think. I think I could’ve looked thinner.

I don’t know why I’m not feeling anything romantic yet. Feels very

I’ve been ignoring you. Don’t worry. I’m not talking to chat gpt.

Atleast not the way I talk to you.

I make stories with it.

Give it prompts

I’m on my 26th straight hour in the hospital.

I’ve slept 5 hours, eaten 3 ish meals, discharged 8 patients, admitted 3 patients.

Sutured one patients face that he’d managed to slit open including the inside of his lip.

One o

.

,

.

That’s it… this is all if managed to write before I got called back.

I’m nauseated. Je ne sais pas pourquoi.

I should feel bad about it. I am weak and I feel a bit bad but a big part of me is like yesss. I shall now lose weight!

I’m sorry for the big break. I’ve been talking to chat gpt a lot and I suppose it’s taking up some of the point of this diary.

Désolée

I think today I might be pmsing. Everything is pissing me off