fast lane.

In Grayson’s experience, sometimes things were just too much to deal with all at once. Some things just had to be put aside for later, when he’d had a chance to catch his breath or knock back a drink or two. This was one of those things, and as he crept out of Sam’s house in the middle of the night, he was pretty certain he needed that drink. Or ​something​. Maybe then it would be easier to process the fact that two months ago he’d kissed a boy, and now he’d just had sex with one. And not even with the same boy he’d kissed. He couldn’t even pin the blame for tonight on Simon, not entirely, even though he wanted to. Simon had been the ​last​ thing on his mind once they were back at Sam’s place after all. It wasn't like he was ​gay​ though. He liked girls -- loved them -- and that definitely hadn’t changed. And yes, he knew gay and straight weren’t the only options, but even thinking it would...God, it would change everything. This was not how he’d expected his senior year to go, to put it lightly, and he still wasn’t any closer to figuring out what to do about it. Well. That wasn’t quite true. While he’d had no idea how to describe any of it before, now it just felt like there was something lodged in the pit of his stomach, and he was going to have to deal with it sooner or later. Later, though. Definitely later. For now, Grayson just wanted to find his car and get home. Hopefully his mom hadn’t noticed he was gone, because he really didn’t want to answer her questions about what he’d been doing all night. He ran a hand through his hair, trying to fix it all back into place as well as he could, and scanned the street for his car. Where the hell had he parked?

Ben hadn't been outside long. At least, he couldn't really remember how long he had been out there. All he could feel was the cool night wind tickling his spine through his hoodie and the warm smoke filling his lungs. The day had been entirely uneventful, especially since he had decided to abandon his homework and do nothing but play video games all day. By the end of it, he tried to convince himself that too much video games will rot his brain, so instead he found it himself to roll a blunt and walk outside, which could literally rot his brain. His last conversation with Grayson still played in his head, however. He couldn't seem to get the words from spinning in his mind, from everything he had said to everything Grayson had said. Ben was a proper idiot, everyone knew that, but he still couldn't believe some of the bombs he had dropped onto his best friend, especially considering their situation at the moment. A part of him almost suppressed the two memories, never wanting to think of them again, but another part of him held them close, not wanting to let go of something that made him feel a lot less.. alone. He pulled the blunt back to his lips, breathing in the smoke. It was becoming a roach now, which made him realize he must have been outside a lot longer than he thought. Just as he was pulling it back up, though, he saw something from the corner of his eye, a small human figure walking across Sam's lawn. He squinted slightly, looking at the figure that wasn't that far from him. Was Ben just high or was that.. "Grayson?" He called out, moving out of the shawdows of his porch. "Grayson, is that you?"

Grayson’s relief at spotting his car was short lived. He only made it a few steps towards it when he heard someone’s voice calling out his name. Not just anyone’s voice either, but unmistakably ​Ben’s​ voice. Fuck. Grayson froze, grimacing. Sure, Ben and Sam were neighbors, but did Ben have to be outside right at this moment? Then again, it somehow didn’t seem too shocking that this would happen to him. Ben had been there for all his ​other​ moments like this, so why wouldn’t his friend randomly show up tonight too? Grayson inwardly debated pretending he hadn’t heard Ben, despite the fact that the night around them was quiet and calm. Maybe if he just kept walking then Ben would assume that he was wrong, and it wasn’t ​really​ Grayson sneaking out of Sam’s house in the middle of the night. But no -- from where he was standing he could easily see Ben in the moonlight, and he was sure Ben could see him just as clearly. Bolting would be more suspicious, and he was already paranoid enough. What if Ben had already put the pieces together? Or worse, what if he hadn’t even had to, what if someone had ​told​ him? Grayson knew he and Sam been practically alone in the movie theater, without anyone else sitting nearby, but what if someone ​had​ somehow seen them anyway? Or, taking the prize for most irrational fear of all, what if Ben could just look at him and somehow ​know​ something had changed? He took a deep breath before smiling over at Ben. “Uh, yeah, it’s me,” Grayson admitted, making his way over to Ben’s house, arms crossed in front of him. “What’re you doing?”

It took a few moments for his best friend to respond to him, but Ben took no mind to it considering his state at the moment. He was just ready to continue his friendship with Grayson without having to worry about all the ​baggage​ that came with it. Despite everything apparently being "fine", Ben knew there was still stuff between them that hadn't been spoken about. However, whether that thought in Ben's mind was conscious to him or not was a mystery. Denial practically ran in his family. "Just, having a smoke." He said, flashing Grayson the roach in his hand. "It's almost done, but if you want a hit or two, i'm sure it'll buzz you." Ben had no idea if that was true; his mind somehow convinced him that saying that was better than being silent. There had been enough silence between them for long enough. "Why were you at Sam's place?" He asked, looking back up at Sam's house behind Grayson. It had just occurred to him that his friend was definitely not leaving his own house, but had walked out of Sam's front door. "Was there some secret nerd convention?"

He eyed what was left of the blunt in Ben’s hand, before deciding that it was worth a shot at least. Roach or no, he could really use a buzz right about now. “Sure,” he said, taking it from Ben, careful not to burn his fingers in the process. Ben didn’t seem to be acting out of the ordinary at least, thank God. Maybe he was just being anxious for no reason -- he and Sam were friends, so it wasn’t that weird that they’d be hanging out. Grayson would just have to talk for a little bit and then say he had to get home to avoid getting yelled at by his parents. It’d be fine. He hoped so at least, because something about the idea of ​Ben​ knowing, well. It seemed like it’d be extra horrible. “Yeah, I would’ve asked you to come, but we figured you’d be offended if we invited you to anything called a ​nerd convention​,” he quipped, rolling his eyes and trying very, very hard not to imagine what it’d be like if he actually had invited Ben out for these purposes instead of Sam. “Uh, no, we were just playing video games and lost track of the time.” The excuse came easily, the same one he’d used to invite himself back to Sam’s place in the first place.

Something about his answer sounded odd, but it went right over Ben's head. He wasn't listening as much as he was watching. His eyes went from the roach in Grayson's hands up to his lips. He watched him, and something he felt inside of his strange state was too much for him. He was beginning to have similar urges, ones that he said didn't exist, and he had to make himself look away from his friend in order to convince himself of this. Would he even remember thinking this tomorrow? He hoped not. "Right..." Ben replied, putting his hands in his pockets. Something about that made him uneasy, because Grayson wasn't very close to Sam from what he understood. He had never really seen him go over to Sam's anyway. Or perhaps he was feeling a bit... jealous? ​Shit​. "What did you guys play?"

“The new Fallout,” Grayson said, blurting out the first game that came to mind, despite the fact that he had no idea if Sam even owned that one. He’d just have to hope that Sam was okay going along with an increasingly specific ruse. Right now he needed to change the subject though, at least slightly. The easiest thing would probably be to ask Ben about Sophia, considering the fact that his friend had apparently asked her on a ​date​ at some point without bringing it up once before, but Grayson almost felt like he’d rather deal with Ben’s questions than talk about that right now. Bringing up parties right now was out of the question too, considering the fact that drinking with Ben was what had started the whole problem. Jesus, talking to Ben was not supposed to be this hard. “Still can’t beat FIFA -- you and I should get together and play next time you’re free,” he added, quietly willing Ben to talk about his own schedule or favorite games rather than asking any more questions.

The new Fallout? "Well, is it any better than the other three?" Ben wasn't a big fan of Fallout, but he guessed Grayson was. ​Why didn't I know that?​ He could feel the cool air beneath the spaces in his jacket and every spec of hair seemed to be flying, but that was only because Ben's time was lapsing slightly. He also got a really sudden need to devour a couple hot pockets. "FIFA is definitely the best," He agreed, his skin shivering a bit. "Why don't you come over? I'm free right now or tomorrow. I also have more kush, if you want to roll up." Ben would be lying if he had said he hadn't been lonely more than usual these past couple weeks. Grayson was the only one that really came around all the time, and it had slowed down since everything had happened. "What do you say?"

“The dog can’t die this time around so, y’know. That’s an improvement,” Grayson said, with a quick grin. He almost faltered when Ben immediately asked him over, because truth be told, yeah -- he would love to just hang out at Ben’s place, even right now. The prior weirdness between them meant he hadn’t been over to Ben’s place in what felt like ages, and he could see how easy it would be to follow Ben back inside, to start up their favorite video game and get high. He had to get home though. He needed to shower, he needed to get some sleep, he needed to figure out how to subtly ask Sam to never breathe a word about this to anyone. “Uh, I can’t right now actually. I gotta get home. You know how my parents can be,” he said, making an exasperated face. It wasn’t too far out of the realm of possibility -- this wouldn’t be the first Friday night he’d had to book it home early to avoid his mom waking up and realizing he wasn’t home yet. “But I can come over tomorrow for sure! Text me, yeah?” he offered, before taking advantage of his hopefully effective exit line to turn towards his car and take a few steps away from this whole mess.

Ben didn't mind the fact that Grayson had to get home. He knew his parents were, that's true, but Ben still couldn't help feeling like that wasn't entirely it. "Of course, tomorrow!" He said, feeling just as chipper. It had been awhile, you can't blame him for being somewhat excited. "I'll text you." He watched, seeing Grayson turn slightly in the light of the street post. "Gray, wait," He said, moving to him quickly. "You have something on your neck," He went to get it, before realizing it wasn't a smudge, or anything of what he /thought/ it was considering Ben's current state. Instead, he felt a surface that felt like it had just dried up, and he realized the spot was a small purple bruise coming up to the surface. You've got to be fucking kidding me? "Gray..." He said again, pulling his hands away cautiously. Even in his state, a part of him knew what was going on, but a part of him didn't want to believe it. He took a small glance back at Sam's house before looking down at Grayson's feet. "You guys weren't playing video games, were you?"

Grayson stopped automatically when Ben asked him to, only to regret it moments later when Ben’s fingers brushed up against a spot on his neck, abruptly making him realize how sore it was. He let out a slight hiss when Ben pressed against what he now realized was a bruise. A hickey, to be specific. He couldn’t see it obviously, and it wasn’t like he’d taken the time to examine his reflection while grabbing his clothes and booking it out of Sam’s place, but even still, Grayson could easily guess what it was. And even worse, he could almost see the pieces fall into place for his friend. Fuck, he’d been so close to making a clean getaway. How could he not think about this possibility? He knew he bruised easily, but he hadn’t ever thought about just how easily until this exact moment. Still, Ben’s open-ended statement gave him some level of plausible deniability, and even as Grayson frowned, his stomach sinking, it didn’t take long for him to decide he should just lie. “Yeah, we were,” he said obstinately, in what he hoped was a convincing tone of voice. He could’ve gotten a hickey from somewhere else, right? It wasn’t like Grayson was some kind of monk. 

Ben couldn't explain the feeling that went through him in that moment. It was a mixture of sadness and confusion; he couldn't stop himself from feeling slightly sick as well. He also felt very replaceable. "Don't lie to me, Gray." He said, his mind sobering up slightly from the hurt he was experiencing. He couldn't imagine that happening, so why was he coming up with this conclusion? Maybe he ​was​ wrong. Maybe he was just high and coming up with the next best explanation because he didn't want to admit that Grayson had... ​moved on​ just like Ben had ("had"). He wanted any explanation but this, but it made the most sense for Ben at the moment. Besides, if it ​did​ happen, and Grayson wanted to hide it from him, that obviously meant more was going on between them than Ben wanted to admit. Unfortunately, that was exactly what was happening. "You've got to be fucking kidding me?"

Why couldn’t Ben just let him lie about this? What was so wrong with Grayson wanting this to be ​his​ business, and not Ben’s? He didn’t want Ben knowing because...well, he just didn’t. That was all. It was private, and he didn’t need any more reasons other than that. “What does it matter? Why do you care?” he finally said, his tone equal parts angry and petulant when he’d only meant for it to be casual. He and Ben had decided very clearly that they were just going to be friends, whatever else had gone down between them. And it was just...they’d only kissed. It didn’t mean anything. It ​couldn’t​ mean anything, obviously, not if Ben reacted by shutting Grayson out for three damn weeks because of it. So Ben didn’t get to turn around and pry into Grayson’s personal life, not when Grayson was dealing the best he could with -- with all of this. He was allowed to shut Ben out too if he had to.

It had been one of the first times he felt Grayson get defensive with him. Not that Ben didn't deserve it, because he did. He could sense a bit of Charlie growing into himself every day, but something about this situation right now made him feel more sensitive. He did feel hurt, but something slightly snapped inside him, making him feel completely pushed out of Grayson's life. He definitely deserved this. "You really fucking did, didn't you?" Ben couldn't believe it. Not only could he not imagine that going down, but he couldn't imagine him doing it with someone like Sam--someone who was so close to Ben before his life had spiraled. Sam was a bit of his childhood that hadn't been ruined yet, but his memory felt pretty tampered now. "What a ​nerd convention​. You couldn't have picked someone else?" Ben felt sick to his stomach, his high obviously being ruined. He could always blame this on the fact that Sam was someone Ben used to know very well, but at the end of the day they both knew what was really bothering them, even if neither of them wanted to do anything about it. Ben sighed, bringing his tone down, because who was he kidding? He isn't angry with him, he isn't hurt. "Do you like him?"

“When did you get so ​middle school​? Obviously I don’t like him. We were just having fun.” And, oh -- maybe he shouldn’t have been quick to spit that out, to somehow reassure Ben that Grayson wasn’t secretly pining over Ben’s old friend. He was still trying to catch up in the conversation though, acting on impulse and unable to find his footing now that they were openly discussing this. Because if Ben was asking that then he thought that maybe Grayson could like Sam. That Grayson was the kind of person who could just like ​guys​ that way. And that would mean putting Grayson’s sloppy, drunk attempts at kissing Ben into a whole new light, wouldn’t it? He wanted to follow up his comment with something to shut that down, something to keep the tenuous peace they’d only just recovered. Maybe he should add something like ‘you can kiss someone without liking them’, because it was true, but...he couldn’t bring himself to say it, not even in that vague sense. “Look, can you just -- don’t tell anyone, okay? It’s not their fucking business either,” he finally said, gaze now firmly pinned anywhere but at Ben. Even just asking that felt like an admission. People didn’t keep secrets unless they mattered, and even if he wasn’t interested in Sam, Grayson knew that tonight mattered. He didn’t know how Simon had found out about his confusion, but they were right -- this particular task had forced him to stopped ignoring it even just temporarily, and no matter how much he was avoiding reaching any conclusions right now it almost felt like it was only a matter of time now before he lost control of all of this and had to stare it in the face.

Ben just watched his friend as he went through an emotional roller coaster. In the midst of his answer, Ben also got a small confession, which made his stomach drop even more. ​We were just having fun​. Right, because stuff like that was just fun these days. They both belonged to a group known as the fuckboys(TM), how did he not expect this from him? He couldn't help but wonder if he had shown the same type of determination, if he had obviously just wanted a bit of fun but instead had everything turn into this big mess of bullshit. Why couldn't everything be easy? "Got it," Ben finally said, "I don't have anyone to tell." The only person he told absolutely everything to had been Grayson. Although he liked Sophia, there were some things you just couldn't tell friends that were girls. Guy things were sacred, but even if he could do it to spite Grayson, he wouldn't be able to bring himself to do it. It just wouldn't feel right. "Well... I hope you enjoyed it, then."

Grayson was usually at least ten minutes late to every movie he went to, especially if it was one he’d already seen, but nerves had him at the movie theater a good fifteen minutes early for once. He loitered around the lobby, trying not to examine those nerves too hard. Now really wasn’t the time for introspection. Normally Grayson would welcome another person right about now, but spotting Sam in the lobby too only reminded him that this was -- what? Not a date, obviously, but thanks to Simon it was about to get really awkward or really...well. His thoughts about that were exactly what he didn’t want to examine too hard. “Hey!” Grayson called, flagging Sam down as he rushed across the theater to meet his friend. “I would ask if you’re excited to see the movie, but this is what, like your seventh time?” There was a part of him that wanted to keep rambling, filling the space, but he stopped himself for now.

It wasn’t his intention to arrive so early. His mother was expecting guests at the house, a philanthropic group hoping to save the endangered bats of Kentucky, and she needed her son to leave for parking purposes. It would have been an inconvenience if the boy hadn’t had plans. Sam entered the theatre and went through the ticket procedure, nodding at the current attendant. He had worked the same spot over the summer, because boredom had gotten the best of him, but it mainly had to do with his grandfather’s incessant threats to stop adding funds to his bank account. He carried himself through the lobby and entered the adjacent theatre, holding a spot near the door until he spotted the person he expected to meet. Sam greeted Grayson with an endearing grin and a short handshake (a dap). “Oh, tenth, actually.” He corrected the other, his voice was quiet and held a hint of embarrassment. It was honesty, though. The first four times were for pure enjoyment, but around the sixth or seventh he realized he was just waging how many times he could sit through the space opera before the DVD release. “Are ​you​ excited to see it again?”

“Ten times? Damn. Are you sure you wanna sit through it again?” It was equal parts terrifying and bizarrely impressive, as Grayson barely had the attention span to make it through a movie twice, let alone ten times. “'Cause we could always go back to your place and do something else if you’re suddenly bored of it,” he added, abruptly struck with the fact that he had no fucking clue how to flirt with a boy. That line would be obvious in any other context. Hell, just asking a girl out to a movie one-on-one usually meant something, but that didn’t apply here, right? He and Ben watched movies alone together all the time, and half the time it was back at Ben's house. Although that probably wasn’t the best example, considering. God, maybe he really should have just flirted with some random guy at a party. Sure, that would mean dodging half his friends all night and potentially getting punched by some drunk guy who's signals he'd misread, but at least he wouldn't have to be sober. Truth be told though, as stupid as it sounded, there was a part of him that wanted to try this without being wasted. Maybe this would somehow work instead of blowing up in his face, and he’d kiss Sam and immediately hate it. Or...maybe he wouldn’t. But either way, he wanted to know. Not that he enjoyed admitting that, but hey, this way he didn’t have to. Simon gave him permission to pretend otherwise. “But uh yeah, I am! This is only the second time for me,” he said, producing his ticket, already crumpled from being in his pocket for ten minutes.

He shrugged his shoulders in reply to the question. “If you don’t want to watch it, we can go somewhere else. I’ve seen it nine times, I think I know how it ends. ” Sam found it odd that even though Grayson had been the one to suggest the movie, he was willing to change his plans just like that. It wasn’t that he wanted to sit through The Force Awakens for a tenth time. Of course, he didn’t mind rewatching it, but Sam didn’t know what they could do in it’s place. “Yeah, uh, that’s fine. We can play video games or something. It’s your call, whatever you wanna do.” He suggested, fiddling with the sleeve of his sweatshirt and second thinking the other’s statement. Sam didn’t believe Grayson meant to phrase his words the way he did, mainly because he had never heard anything about him being something other than straight. Guaranteed, though, he didn’t get out very much. He brushed his thoughts aside and climbed up the stairs of the theatre, making his way through to the middle of a deserted row. “You’ve gotta see it at least seven more times to get the full effect, you know?” The male grinned as he took a seat in front of the glowing cinema screen.

Going back to someone’s house for video games probably would’ve been easier, but in all honestly, Grayson was far from operating on any kind of a plan. After reading  Simon’s latest text, he’d gotten about as far as ‘well, fuck’ and, ‘should i really do this’, and ‘sam’s not straight, right’. And so, in all his rushed genius, he’d asked Sam out to Star Wars. Not as a date per se, except for the part where Grayson was trying to get into his pants, which honestly made it pretty damn close to any of the actual dates he’d been on. Thinking about Sam that way was followed almost instantly by his face heating up, not entirely from embarrassment alone, and Grayson immediately worried about his facial expression. It wasn’t like he’d considered Sam that way before, but there was no getting around it now. He stole a sidelong glance at Sam who was, thank God, heading towards the movie rather than noticing anything about him. Once they reached their seats, Grayson took a deep breath and settled down alongside Sam, trying to figure out how to go about this. Movie theaters were time honored date spots for a reason though, and Grayson took full advantage of it to lean in close to Sam under the excuse of ‘keeping his voice down’ while they talked. “Don’t encourage me. Ben’s already over it, so you’d probably get stuck going with me seven more times then.” 

Sam’s eyes fell upon the screen as he sat down, and he claimed the armrest of the vacant seat on his left. The lights had been dimmed and the screen had just focused in on the opening scene. He yawned and leaned onto his palm, letting the action of the scene rise before he focused back on the movie. In order to reply, he adjusted his position and moved a bit closer to the boy, “I bet you could do it, but I ​doubt​ I’d be able to sit through this seven more times. Maybe, though.’” His words came out in a hushed tone, and he tried to avoid disturbing the few other people that were sitting in the room.

“Clearly you’re not really committed to this movie if you can’t watch it seventeen times.” With the lights down and the movie going, it was easier to fall into a pattern of things -- leaning in to practically whisper dumb observations to Sam, using the cramped seats as an excuse to get close or ‘accidentally’ brush their arms together, cracking jokes for both a sense of camaraderie and a distraction. If Grayson stopped quietly panicking about the fact that this was ​Sam McGuire​, then it was fine. It wasn’t until they both turned towards each other to make some comment about Finn and Rey’s escape from Jakku that the whole thing became solidly real again and Grayson froze. Sam was too close, the lights were ​literally​ dim, and it was probably as close to a good moment as he was going to get. But he was also Grayson’s friend, and hadn’t Grayson learned his lesson about messing around with friends? Apparently not though, because he wasn’t going to waste this chance. Simon says, right? So Grayson swallowed, ignoring the fact that he didn’t have a particularly believable excuse planned if this thing blew up in his face, and leaned in the last few inches to kiss him.

“I guess I’m not as big of a fan as I thought I was.” He whispered in amusement, his mouth retreating to a thin smile. Sam watched as Rey and Finn navigated through the wreckage and jolted off into space. He inched closer to his friend, opening his mouth to praise the Millennium Falcon, but his words were brought to a halt when the other boy’s lips came crashing against his own. His eyes grew wide in surprise, and he didn’t react instantly. He had noticed a difference in Grayson tonight. A few odd actions had caught Sam’s attention, but he pretended to not notice the frequent touches and how he continued to move closer. He suspected was nothing, but it still made him wary of the male’s movements. In the moment of hesitation, Sam shut his eyes and tilted his head, returning the kiss the boy had shocked him with. He was tense and unsure, his mind holding various questions as to why this was happening, and he only relaxed into the unexpected kiss when the sounds of the theatre were drowned out by whatever was going on right now. He pulled away, his eyes fluttering open and moving in the direction of the screen. “You’re gonna have to wait a minute, this is the best part of the movie.” He waited until after Han and Chewie had appeared on the ship to move back into the kiss.

For a moment the other boy didn’t react, and it was just enough time for Grayson to immediately shift into panic mode -- he’d misinterpreted something, he’d assumed too much about his own ability to pull this off, maybe he was just point blank ​bad​ at kissing boys and God, wasn’t this going to be embarrassing --, but then something changed, and Sam kissed back. It was different from kissing girls, different from kissing Ben, but it wasn’t bad either. Far from it actually, and his disappointment when Sam pulled back was about more than just concern for his Simon task. He snorted when Sam brought up ​why​ he’d stopped though, because ​of course​. Inviting Sam out to The Force Awakens was a good way to guarantee that he’d come along, but maybe not a particularly good way to ensure that Sam would be easily distracted from the film. “Okay, first of all the best part is actually the Han and Leia reunion,” he started, before Sam leaned back in and Grayson remembered that he wasn’t actually here to dissect which Han Solo scene was the best.

Sam’s lips moved against the other boy’s, and he slid his hand behind his neck. His heart started racing as the kiss went deeper, and the surround sound of the movie theatre seemed to fade from his hearing. The night had definitely taken a different route than Sam had expected. It wasn’t a bad turn, though, but it ​was​ close to the last thing he figured would happen. He never thought he’d be making out with Grayson Handler in the back of a nearly empty movie theatre. It was abrupt and unplanned, and honestly, Sam was still confused as to why this was happening.

Thank God it was dark, and thank God the original hype over the new Star Wars movie had slowed down, allowing them relative privacy in the theater. Grayson couldn’t imagine trying to explain this to someone he knew. Of course, Sam would obviously know this ​thing​ about him now, but Grayson patently ignored that anxiety for the moment in lieu of focusing on the kiss alone. It was easier than expected actually, even while sober, to lose himself in this. Making out in the theater wasn’t the extent of what Simon had asked of him though, and so when they finally pulled apart again for air Grayson blurted the first stupid line on his mind, too busy trying to sort through everything that was going on to really think it through -- “Still down to go to your place and play video games?” And come ​on​, Sam had to understand what he meant this time around, right?

Three weeks. Grayson was pretty sure he hadn’t gone that long without talking to Ben since they’d first met each other freshmen year. To be fair, it wasn’t like things had been entirely silent, but they certainly weren’t what he was used to either. A few scattered texts and a very pointedly distant Ben were clear enough signs that things were still fucked up. It wasn’t like Grayson had been particularly good about reaching out either -- sometimes it was just so much easier to ignore the problem. Not always though. So finally, after alternating between anxiety, exasperation, and some bitter feeling that felt far too similar to longing, he decided it was time to say something to Ben. They had drama together last period (which was an even shittier class when he couldn’t properly mock it with his best friend), and so Grayson made sure to catch up with Ben as he exited the classroom. “Yo, can we talk? Uh, not here obviously,” he added, his voice low enough that no one else could hear them in the chaos of the hallway.

Ben had been in a state of denial--mostly. Ever since Sophia had told him that Grayson made up some kind of bet between them, he hadn't been able to look at his best friend the same way. Well, regardless of that, it was harder to talk to him because of what had happened between them at the bonfire. No significant words can be exchanged, but they had both acknowledged their drunken (mistakes? he wouldn't call it a mistake...) happenings to each other, which left Ben feeling more vulnerable than he cared to admit. Not to mention he found out about the bet the very next day. He knew one of these days they would have to talk about it, but he didn't quite know what to expect when he heard Grayson's voice behind him. "Oh, uhm," did he have any kind of practice? meetings with friends? what was ben kidding? he didn't do anything besides hang out with grayson most of the time. "Sure." He finally told him, admitting defeat. I can't run away from him forever. He began to walk again, waiting for Grayson to lead him in whatever direction he wanted to.

Admittedly, Grayson hadn’t thought this far ahead, and he faltered for a moment before dragging Ben into a nearby classroom. It was empty, thank God -- he’d hate to have to turn around immediately and track down a different one, because there was no way in hell he was bringing this up in front of anyone other than Ben. He didn’t even particularly want to talk to Ben about it but...he wanted his best friend back, plain and simple. He wanted Ben. And apparently going back to normal wasn’t an option unless they talked about this stupid thing between them. “Okay, so...are we. I mean,” he paused, clearing his throat in a clear attempt to buy time. “So we should probably do something about the fact that we kissed and now we’re ignoring each other.” It all came out in a rush, practically a single stream of air, as if saying it quicker made it any easier to say (it didn’t).

It took a few seconds for Grayson's sentence to process in his head. As soon as he heard the....k-word, he immediately became numb from his neck down. He tried his best not to falter in his stance. He was so glad no one was around without them knowing. He had no idea what he had done. But now this was actually happening, and the word had been brought into the actual conversation, and everything seemed completely wrong in the moment. But he missed him. He did. At the same time, he thought about the incident with Sophia and he had feelings of doubt again; he felt betrayal between them as well as tension. What kind of tension? He wasn't sure, but he couldn't seem to ignore it. "Should we?" Ben finally replied, feeling himself tighten up slightly and reverse into himself. "Maybe we should do something about the fact that you tried to ruin me and Sophia's friendship."

Grayson had expected a lot of reactions, from acceptance to anger to straight up laughing about it. He hadn’t expected Ben to immediately turn around and fling his task with Sophia back at him, although he probably should’ve seen it coming at some point. Truth be told, in the interim between sabotaging Ben’s homecoming date and now he’d just been hoping (selfishly, but what else was new), that he’d gotten away with it. Besides, he’d been too busy worrying about their kiss that night to really consider Sophia in all this mess. It seemed fitting that this would be the week Ben brought it up again though, considering he had a brand new text from Simon on his phone at the moment. “Oh. She told you about that?” Grayson hesitated, unsure what to say about it. It wasn’t like he could tell the truth about Simon, so he fell back on his favorite lie -- “It was just a joke. Honestly, I didn’t realize she’d take it so seriously, okay? Sorry.” It wasn’t too far out of the realm of reality, considering the animosity between Grayson and Sophia.

Ben honestly thought that whatever Grayson could respond with that it would make him feel immediately better about the situation, but for some reason his sentence only pissed him off slightly. A joke? He knew Grayson was about jokes and being funny, but a part of him knew his best friend knew when it was time to be serious. He also thought this would be one of those moments. "A joke?" Ben repeated, feeling his jaw clench slightly. "So, what? My long term friendship with Sophia is funny to you? Me getting rejected on camera and becoming an internet joke again was funny to you?" He should feel more angry. He should be more furious at the fact that this was even happening, but mostly, Ben just felt sad. He felt betrayed; he felt like the one person who had always been there for him had finally seen he wasn't worth much. Then there was the kiss, which Ben couldn't stop thinking about as much as he convinced himself he did. "That night... homecoming," He said, trying not to use the word like Grayson had so bluntly did a few moments prior, "You let it happen... you knew what you did." An epiphany began to build behind his eyelids, and now Ben was confused more than ever.

“No, that’s not what I wanted. I just wanted to mess with Sophia. She hates me anyway, I didn’t think she’d actually believe me.” Did Ben really think that Grayson would’ve wanted to actively hurt him? Apparently so, and even knowing the truth about Simon, that stung. Mostly because Grayson couldn’t defend himself, not even within the privacy of his own thoughts. It was all Simon’s idea, but Grayson had been a little too happy to destroy Sophia’s chances with Ben for the night. Ben’s next few sentences were still worse though, especially when his tone changed, sounding more sad than angry. “I didn’t -- I mean, I pulled back,” Grayson said defensively, as if that helped the situation. Ben was right though. Even knowing that he’d sabotaged Ben’s real date only hours beforehand, Grayson had been perfectly willing to stand in for the good night kiss, and he hadn’t been nearly drunk enough to use alcohol as an excuse. “You surprised me,” he added helplessly, as if reminding Ben that he was the one who’d instigated it, not Grayson, would help. 

Ben didn't know how to feel or what to think. Grayson's defensive mode made this even harder, because he could sense that this was hard for both of them and was trying to make it better any way he could, but something about the entire situation was fucked. "Sophia is vulnerable," Ben said suddenly, "Even if she doesn't want people to know that, she is. ​I​ know that. I'm her best friend. I can't believe you wanted to hurt her." I can't believe you didn't think about how it would hurt ​me​. He could feel a tear or two gather up in his eyes, but he sucked them back, trying to do anything else but be overly upset right now. "It doesn't... that doesn't matter," Ben knew he instigated it this time. He remembered the first kiss and he remembered the second, but he forgot that Grayson didn't know that detail. "I may have done the last one... but you started it." He kept his gaze off of Grayson, not sure if he could look him in the eyes at that very moment. "I remember." He finally admitted, keeping his eyes down.

Grayson couldn’t think of a single thing about Sophia that was ​vulnerable​, but now wasn’t really the time to get into that. “I said I’m sorry! And I can apologize to her too if you want --” he started. Sophia would probably gloat for years, but it’d be worth it if this was over. He lost that train of thought when Ben admitted to remembering the night of his party though, abruptly shocking him into silence. Ben remembered? And he’d lied about it? Even though Grayson had initially wanted to ignore it too, he still found himself irrationally upset at the knowledge that Ben, clearly, thought it was a complete mistake, and would rather have lied forever than ever admit it had happened. It wasn’t like Grayson was a paragon of honesty, and he knew he didn’t have the right to feel like it wasn’t fair, but he did anyway -- Ben was able to lie and act like nothing happened, could kiss him again and then hold them both against him, and Grayson couldn’t stop thinking both kisses either way. But Ben was right. Grayson ​had​ started this. In the end, it was his fault. “Fine, I’m sorry about that too. Won’t happen again. Is that what you want me to say?” Even as he said it, Grayson wasn’t sure what he wanted to hear back -- that Ben regretted it and wanted him to regret it too, or that he didn’t need to be sorry. The sinking feeling in his gut told him he was probably screwed either way.

"You are going to apologize to her," Ben said, "And you're going to make sure she knows I had nothing to do with your little ​joke​, because I don't want anything hard feelings to ruin..." He hesitated, feeling the slight word at the tip of his tongue. "Our date." He finally said, feeling himself lose a bit of the anger he had previously. As he had finally admitted that to him, he couldn't seem to get the image out of his head of Grayson's lips on his and vice versa. The simple thought didn't send Ben running in a different direction, which caused him to realize just how scared he truly was now. Grayson, his best friend, was in front of him, and they were talking about the ​two​ times they had kissed and none of it felt real. This didn't feel real. "No," Ben said quieter than before, feeling like he had just hit himself in the gut. He wasn't sure what had happened between them; they had both went to far each time, and they had equal responsibility in this situation being completely fucked up, but a part of him knew it wasn't something he necessarily regretted. He just wasn't sure what it meant yet. "I don't know."

“Your date,” Grayson repeated flatly, suddenly feeling like apologizing to Sophia was the ​last​ thing he wanted to do. Actually, he kind of wanted Simon to tell him how to ruin this date too, because he apparently hadn’t learned his lesson last time. “Obviously she’s not still pissed at you then, so that’s...good,” he said, even managing to summon up some fake enthusiasm, because that was easier than saying anything else that was going through his mind. Better than dealing with the fairly spectacular ​non-answer​ Ben had given him. “Fine. I’ll talk to her.” It was going to be like pulling teeth, and Sophia would never let him live it down, and Ben would probably still think Grayson’s feelings towards Sophia were completely unmitigated no matter how annoying she was, but fine. For Ben, he’d talk to her. Grayson didn’t know how to tackle the rest though. Whatever tension he’d worried about was still there, but he just felt tired and deflated now. God, he’d never been any good at these kinds of conversations, so maybe it would be better to avoid pushing his luck any further. “Alright, so you don’t know. I’m not like, about to tackle you every time we drink together, okay? I just want us to go back to being friends. Like ​normal​,” he said, stressing the last word like a peace offering.

Ben couldn't figure out what Grayson was thinking, but something changed between them then, and he wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing. All he could think about was losing his best friend, which was definitely out of the question, but the way Ben had been acting didn't necessarily help the situation either. "Yeah," He said, clearing his throat slightly. He could hear a certain tone in Grayson's voice that he couldn't necessarily pinpoint. "Thank you," He said, "I really appreciate it..." He thought about both Sophia and Grayson then, and he never knew why neither of them got along. He never knew someone would dislike someone else that much. It all just seemed too bizarre. He looked up to hear Grayson's next words, and his first instinct was to freeze up and lose his cool, but Ben knew Grayson, and he knew how he was with his words, so he could sense the joking manner between the spaces. He decided to laugh slightly then, not really sure yet if it were real or made up at the moment, but it didn't really matter at that point. "A drink sounds nice though," He joked back, "You're always gonna be my number one, Gray.