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Still thinking about how Grace was always treated as disposable. Kicked out of his passion field for his honesty—underpaid as a (very good) teacher, to the point he can’t afford a car—left alone in a room full of argon with a sample that might kill him, while all the indispensable guys who put him there stood on the other side of the glass and watched. Shoved screaming into a mission that would kill him. And then, then this bonkers little alien who just met him gladly trades years off his life (via extended return mission) to save him. Runs burning through deadly air to keep him from dying. Chooses finally to weave their lives together forever and recreate Grace’s best dreams of Earth to make him happy. No wonder Grace told Rocky he doesn’t have to get him a gift, he’s given him everything. To one little spider guy, Grace is irreplaceable. That’s love.
Dottore and Pantalone ramble. Anxious obsessive Dottore into weirdos finding companionship in eachother.
--
That hit, once again, of euphoria when he is around Pantalone. Everything about him is so interesting to Dottore. The way he speaks, what he says, his way of thinking, how he presents himself yet Dottores unsure if he's actually seen him speak with anyone as himself.
The question arises, has Dottore actually seen Pantalone for him or, is that also just an act? The ache within his chest always forces itself to rise with continuing questions.
It settles and makes its way back with the adrenaline hitting the brain, forcing him come up with something to be anxious about.
Dottore can't ever be relaxed. Always on edge. Finally, a true companion, he can't let him leave. This has to mean something, something special. Surely, he has to feel it too, right?
Pantalone isn't within the norm. Sure, he gets along with people, but over business. Dottore hasn't seen him talk to others as causally as he does to him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. But neither has Dottore ever see or heard of anyone talking about how interesting Pantalone is. Anyone would find a man like that fascinating to talk to.
Its only around Dottore that Pantalone finally reliefs that smile. That false, forced, strained smile.
Oh, to dissect that mans brain and learn everything there is about him. Dottore wishes he could gets his hands on him and fulfill his obsesses needs. They are one of the same, his true equal.
The genuine guilt that runs through Dottores body when he says something that came out too harsh, worrying that he may have upset Pantalone, only for Pantalone to reassure him and say how he understood what he meant. No need to explain, he already understood your point of view. All your weird and disgusting acts, all the things others view as annoying, odd, or heretical.
Pantalone doesn't disregard them, doesn't say they're not true. He knows they are and Dottore knows to. He still confides in him. Still stays and talks to him. Pantalone is still Dottores friend through and through. For Pantalone is also weird, heretical, annoying, odd, and does disgusting things. He takes pride and so does Dottore.
They're is nothing bad with being an outcast, for when you have a companion, it is so much more rewarding to be true.
--
I just wrote this as I went. Maybe I'll come up with a consistent story but I don't want to mischaracterize Pantalone as we know nothing about his personality.
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At this point, the pattern was clear. Dottore could tell his mind was tricking him, causing his demise.
Dottore will reach out, albeit stupidly. In his mind he seems himself as being stupid and despreate for reaching out. He'll make any excuse to get the bankers attention, any response.
The little things that Pantalone does that made him angry. Friends don't ignore eachother... right? Or, was it ignoring. He only assumed it was. Perhaps the banker was busy. Just as the researcher was at times.
Dottore keeps initiating it, knowing the outcome and the likely reason. But his mind only makes it worse, dramatize the reason. He willingly engages with the banker and accepts that he will not always be in the mans gaze. His attention is not solely on the doctor. But the entitlement, the need, and the constant hunger.
The slow slip after awhile, finally feeling the detachment go away. Freedom close by to only end up being a trap of dispare. It's suffocating. Dottore feels lost and vulnerable. The air he breathes into his lungs just feels like toxins from past exsperiments.
Yet that need still grows. It turns more despreate and needy. Dottore only grows weaker as he waits for it, knowing it'll come. He can't stand how pathetic he feels. Pantalone most likely isn't even thinking of him, busy with work or doing other things in his own time.
Dottore tries to sit through his research to pass time and act uncaring. Locking himself away but he can't focus. Every thought, every stupid neuron in his brain makes connections to the man in purple. His eyes, his features, the way his hair falls and curls. His voice. His speech. The way he talks. It eats at Dottore. The words that come out of Pantalones mouth always sounded like sweet forbidden knowledge. Savoring the words and hanging on them. It didn't matter what he said, it always sounded brilliant from his lips.
So any time Dottore saw Pantalone again, that built up, one sided anger, dissolved within the moment Pantalones eyes met Dottores. The soft squint, tilt of the head, and smile.
Just a few kind words have him aching for more, only restarting the pattern Dottore found himself in.
The gentleness clicking of the vials and careful measurements of various liquids. Dottore spent his time in his lab, day in and day out. He hardly left for any reason.
But the sound of Pantalone's voice always drew him out. When he heard his laugh or rumble in his chest. Even the stupid light cough he'd get from smoking.
It was almost... charming.
It made its way through Dottore's thick lab walls, as if Pantalone's voice was made to bypass them.
Forced to poke his head out, he needed to see who Pantalone was talking to. Who or what got any reaction out of him. Why was Pantalone giving his attention to any of the aforementioned thing? Was it truly deserving of such gaze? Such attention? Likely to be a waste.
Standing there, just watching. Perhaps still speaking behind the corner, or fully out in the open. Either way, Dottore wasn't leaving until he heard the conversation end, or the interest of whatever was there dying out.
Going back to his lab, Dottore would make a 'quick' note of what situation. He would then study it until he had drawn out ever possible reason as to why Pantalone would find interest in such thing.
The action: smiling, laughing, interest, pleasant suprise
Time: how long the interaction was, how long the action or feeling was
Change: had it changed his mood afterward?
Anything to be able to recreated a similar scenario but make it better. For just Dottore and Pantalone to enjoy. To override the pervious interaction and rewrite it with a better one, where Dottore is there.
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Even in the space of death, Pantalone is able to feel Dottores warmth.
Its only temporary anyway. Death.
The two never leave eachothers sides for long. They've long since shed their mortal prospection on life.
There's no need to keep the old ways of the world with their tiring mannerisms. They can play and then old world as they please until the new one sheds.
Their true personalities will be free with one another.
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it irritates me how people kinda play Dottore being a heretic as a bad thing?
Dottore fights to detach himself from the shackles that the gods of teyvat have put on him. to go against the set rules that bound humanity.
being a heretic is only viewed as derogatory because people have this notion that defining god is bad and that stating their wrongs is sinful. and we can confirm that the system of gods in teyvat are corrupt.(HP)
being called a heretic at a young age of course has its harm but i think now, Dottore takes pride in it.
Dottore is not stuck to a fate pre decided for him because he isnt shackled by a system that consistently holds him (and others) down. he goes to break that line between gods and mortals still.
he is a heretic and that is a good thing, for his character and teyvat.
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