ama's void

“what was that back there?” 

you jump as richie sits beside you, your eyes finally peeling away from the wall you’ve been staring at for the past few minutes. you’re too ashamed to really meet his gaze, too embarrassed to even be in his presence again. you don’t want to address whatever the fuck just happened, but of course with richie being richie, he wants to. 

“what do you mean?” you know exactly what he means, but you want to keep the peace as long as possible.

natalie had been in the hospital a few days after giving birth and everyone had decided to check up on her together. richie asked to hold his niece and… it was perfect. he’s perfect. it’s that softness that people never - if ever, rarely, - see off of him, the way his gaze turns all melty warm as he looks down at his little niece. like she's the sun itself. it’s his little gasp of excitement when she grips so tightly around his finger that makes your heart clench. the way he looks over to you with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen off him and how he practically glows.

some people on this earth are made to be parents and richie is one of them.

and some damned little neuron in your brain made it to where you could see a future like this with him. you imagined it was your baby that he was holding instead, that he was looking at you with so much love and warmth and pride. you and richie had never really talked about kids, aside from you meeting eva, and you’ve never actively wanted a life like this. you never once envisioned yourself as a mother and raising children with anyone never really appealed to you. 

which is why it scared you so damn bad when the thought finally did hit you. 

when it came your turn to see nat’s baby, you went still. your eyes glazed over and your hands went all clammy. you fully envisioned yourself messing up bad - holding the baby too tight, holding her wrong, accidentally hurting her - and you knew there’d be no way to stop it from happening. you weren’t good with kids and you didn’t know what to do with them, despite how much richie wanted it.

richie noticed your nerves and tried to comfort you how he knew to, his hand resting on the small of your back, whispering sweet nothings into your ear, but it didn’t work. 

instead of holding sophie, you smiled at natalie and made some stupid, awkward joke about how it would probably be you who would drop the child, and quickly left the room. 

you don’t know why you didn’t just leave after that and now part of you wished you did. 

richie rolls his eyes at your deflect, letting out a little scoff. “you that allergic to kids?” 

“no.” 

“then what’s the problem? you really can’t hold a baby for two seconds?” 

“i… i don’t know, richie. it’s just… it’s like… like my life just fuckin’ flashed before my eyes. i know how corny that sounds, but… it scared me. i saw you, us… a family… am i ready for that? what if i’m a terrible mother? i mean, i freaked the fuck out with nat’s baby…” 

“okay, slow the fuck down.” richie chuckles softly, scooping your hand into his own and pressing a kiss to the back of it. you know that in some fucked up way that it makes him giddy that you’re scared, because it means you’ve thought about this, with him, more than once. “we don’t have to decide anything now. i’m not expecting anything from you. and… if anything at all, i like where we’re at. i like seeing you with evie and… not to freak you out more but she loves you.” 

hearing that makes you halt, makes you finally find the courage to glance over to him. “…she does?” 

richie nods and there’s a big smile on his face. “she wants you around, y’know. you’ve given her so much confidence to just… be herself. and every time i pick her up she’s always asking what we’re gonna be doing.” 

you chuckle quietly, squeezing his hand, and he squeezes yours back. “i do really love hanging out with you guys.” 

“hm… i’d hope so.” 

you roll your eyes, trying to hide the smile that creeps on your own face. “just take a fuckin’ compliment, richie.” 

he chuckles softly, leaning forward to press his forehead against yours. “i love you. we want you around. it’s not the same without you.” 

it feels like a heavy weight is lifted from your shoulders with that confirmation and you can finally breathe out a sigh. your eyes flutter shut as your freehand raises to cup his jaw. “i love you, too, richie,” you murmur to him. “and… i want to be around. it’s just… fuck it’s so scary. what happens when i fuck up?”

“i know. believe me, i know. but we fuckin’ got this. you got this. and when you do fuck up, because everyone does… i’ll be there. i’m here for you.” 

you nod again and slowly open your eyes, gently caressing richie’s cheekbone with the back of your fingers. “i don’t know what i’d do without you, richie.” 

and you mean it. richie seems to pick up on that fact because his eyes get all soft and full of stars and he lifts his head, pressing a tender kiss to your forehead. his lips linger against your skin and you slowly drop your hand from his face, your touch ghosting against his exposed skin. 

“yeah, well. me neither. got no clue why you decided to give my old ass a chance.” 

you chuckle softly, giving him a little shrug. “you’re not that old…” 

“ha ha.” richie presses another kiss to your hand this time, breathing out a soft sigh onto your skin. “so, you gonna come back? it’d be better if you were there. mostly for me.” 

you wince just at the idea of having to face everybody again, but if richie’s the one who’s asking… 

"yea. sure. i guess."

richie smiles again and he scoffs out a laugh, "wow. don't sound too thrilled."

"richie, you want me there or not?"

"yes! jesus, yes, we want you there. it's gonna be okay, y'know that?"