Grandeurous

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I'm currently on hiatus from blogging, to write for "real" websites, whatever that means. Please enjoy a curated selection of my favorite columns while I'm away.

Two Words: Holiday Cheer

Is Anger Destroying Your Life?

Big Red Dogma: Quixotic Advice from a Friend

I Could Teach You, But I'd Have to Charge

A LETTER FROM FUTURE ME

Dear Me,

It's me. I'm writing you from beyond the grave to answer all of your questions about death.

1--Yes, it hurt. When I saw that bus coming, I thought, that is really going to hurt. And boy it really hurt.

2--No, I can't read your thoughts, but I can see you ... So wipe that smug look off your face.

3--Yes, Tupac is gay. You can take that shirtless poster of him down from the back of your closet. Ditto goes for James Franco.

4--No, you are not going to hell, in fact there is no heaven or hell. Only endless floating, like Homer Simpson in the cloud bed.

5--No, I can't tell you when it's going to happen--that would ruin all the fun! But here's a hint: eat whatever the hell you want.

CONGRATULATE FIDO ON THE NEW JOB

Fido is now Barker at Freelance. 

IDEALOGUE (The best kind of log)™

When it comes to the question, "Is anger ruining your relationship?" I think you should consider asking yourself, "Is this relationship ruining your anger?" Food for thought (or, just for squeezing to death). Especially if your loved one resembles the little man on the stress ball.

MENTAL UPDATE

It's official. I'm in therapy. Not rich-white-people-therapy, but real psycho-prisoner-therapy. Some might blame my parents, but I would blame the birthday card they sent me this year (below). Seriously, there was money in there, so I decided to spend it wisely--on the therapy necessary to deal with the fact that they actually sent me this card.

THE GRANDEUR GUIDE TO BINGE EATING

The main problem with how much I've been eating lately is how much I've been eating lately. That and the new wave of hybrid breakfast foodstuffs: cronuts, flagels, pretzel croissants, red velvet pancakes, and turducken (not really a breakfast food, but you see how one could get confused in the heat of the moment.).

I think if I can manage to lay off the burrito dogs, cheeseburger pizza, and cherpumpel--that is, cherry, pumpkin, and apple pie--I'll be able to get my binge eating down to a manageable level.

ASK A WORKING GIRL

If you ever wondered what I was thinking during during any meeting I've ever attended, it was "Can we please stop talking about this?"

IDEALOGUE (The best kind of log)™

I think a good idea if you planning to kidnap someone in a stroller would be to carry a travel mug. That way, if anyone spots you, it will look more natural.

THE GRANDEUR GUIDE TO STYLE

Who wore it better? This one is just too close to call. While both are sporting a comb-over, Rihanna spiced up her look with a snappy head scarf and a bright red lipstick.

But then again, pretty much everything looks good on Homer Simpson. 

AN INTERVIEW WITH MYSELF: PART DEUX

Me: a person I'd only interviewed once before. Luckily, I was able to get into my own head and prepare for the hard-hitting questions I'd be bound to throw at myself.

ME: What's that you're wearing?

ME: Body hair. I'm getting in touch with my animus.

ME: What are you currently obsessing over?

ME: Palsy claw. I'm pretty sure my right hand is slowly freezing into a curled up position. 

ME: Um, okay. Why do you and that puppet keep looking at each other?

ME: Well, with my palsy claw and everything, I only have a few years of normal hand function left. And I want to spend them with Liam.

ME: Who's Liam?

ME: My lion puppet, dum dum.

ME: Oh. You got the one you asked for this past Christmas?

ME: Yup, but I had to wait until my birthday. We've been inseparable ever since.

IDEALOGUE (The best kind of log)™

To pee or not to pee in a saltwater pool? I think probably just go ahead and pee.

THE FOUR GERUNDS OF HIGHLY EFFECTIVE PUPPETRY

Trolling Google Images is a celebrated pastime of mine. What is the homo erectus in this picture in trying to tell us with his funny lady-friend? I guess we'll never know.

BE PREPARED. BE VERY PREPARED.

Lately, I've found myself wondering who I would eat in the case of an emergency. Let's say if I were to get stuck in the subway (or at a Subway) for an indeterminate amount of time. I'd like to think I could refrain from eating the children. While delicious, their tiny frames would be better suited navigating the ceiling ducts, scoping out a plan for my escape.

Most of the zombie apocalypse stuff you see on TV is pretty unrealistic. I don't know what your commute is like, but when I look around, I'm thinking, I wouldn't eat any of you people! The most appetizing of the whole bunch are probably the Wall Street crowd--clean appearance, good dental hygiene, a crisp white poplin collar you could use as a napkin.

When it comes to cannibalism, I'm not afraid to be sexist: I'd definitely rather eat a male than a female. He'd be more difficult to take down of course, but the leaner meat would be a just reward. I'm certainly not looking to get fat over a life or death situation! Anyway, I'll need my charms to build a coalition, and by the time the last iPhone dies, my cohorts will be chomping at the bit.

However it goes down, I think it's a good idea to prepare yourself. You'll want to appear knowledgeable and decisive under the pressure of mob mentality. Let your friends have their mortgage payments and their estate planning spreadsheets and their $5 Footlongs! Your ability to stay cool in a face-eating scenario: priceless.

ASK A WORKING GIRL

I spent two hours today looking for a less misogynist synonym for bitch slap. Turns out, there isn't one.

BIG RED DOGMA: QUIXOTIC ADVICE FROM A FRIEND

Dear Clifford,

How can I make the voices in my head stop burping?

Funny you should ask. Mine live in a tiny paper boat and wear paper hats that look just like the tiny boat....So cute!!!

Ahoy,

Clifford

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Before I head out on my holiday vacation, I'd like to take a moment to thank the 89 visitors my blog had this year. You guys really blew last year's traffic out of the water--and your loyalty will be handsomely rewarded.

You will receive via USPS a copy of my second-grade school picture, complete with a coordinating, over-sized hair bow. The best part, besides the general handsomeness of the photo, is that it's 100% FREE*!

*To obtain a free picture, please send me your name, address and a check for $15 through the internets to [email protected]. No perverts, please.

MEET NUTSY

He's a bit of a ball-buster, and the only English word he knows is "Vodka." But what he really means is: Happy Holidays. (Note: Do not, under any circumstances, try to remove his man purse--he'll totally flip.)