sometimes things like this happen, accidents

brakes don’t work

all the safeties get left behind when your trying to get drunk in the sun

when things like this do happen, metal caught in gears

the chug chug chug chugging along falls over

Neosporin at night, contemplations of tetanus

i’m reminded of my place, the body that i’m in, the body that is me, separate or not, but i’m also reminded of the revel

this seems so spectacular now

i’ve always been, purple and blue

lately hope and love is not all i’ve got.

i’m up later than i tend to be. than i’d like to be.

smoking and considering

it’s been hard to shake this feeling, hard hard hard!

a friend told me to write what i love, so that’s what i’m doing.

i love my friends; kaylees smile and DOWNness, kalin’s warm embrace both literally and figuratively, ava’s acknowledgment of wrongdoings, alida’s honesty, kiara’s acceptance, eliza’s preservation, angelina’s laugh, eloise’s unhideable face margaux’s jokes, lily’s refusal, bryn’s sweetness, jaspers sillyness, amalia’s openness, especially when it’s hard, lisles questions, arts surprises (because i’m still learning), aydens thoughtfullness, chases whimsy, katherine’s pessimism, kate’s fun, i can go on and on and on

i love rocks and climbing and moving my body, the soreness.

i love the place i’m in, even through the shivers.

i love the sunsets and sunrises when i get to catch them

i love a good fricken book, even if sometimes, to me, that means john green, or slobbering over the pages.

i love trees, especially ones i can get up into

i love a chilly walk with my mom, though usually tainted with an unplaced disappointment or criticism

i love learning, jamming my brain and struggling

i love cigarettes and nicotine, fuxk

a good bike ride where my hair gets caught in the wind

the ocean, crashing waves and succumbing

soft sunshine that warms you up on a rare california day

miserable heat that i’ve become accustomed to

freezing toes and fireplaces

warm tea that burns my tongue on the first sip

good coffee

CHOCOLATE

the feeling of wonder

the sadness that i don’t often let linger

an all absorbing cry

scrambles

concoctions

the light hitting just right

misunderstandings that you clear quickly

long stretches of desert

a long makeout that ends at just that

margaux’s car

soft touches

napping with someone i love, accusations of romance

loud music, music that i wonder if part of me bleeds

dancing, dancing without a care

jeans that fit just right

a short skirt

vulnerability

there is lots i love, and some things i don’t, but one thing i don’t think i’ll ever escape, is that i know i’ll grow to love it all even with a taint of hate

i can’t help the anger subsisting in my lungs

it’s been a long time since it’s been let out

out of tune and out of practice

a man walked down the escalator the wrong way, so so slowly

held up an old lady

she waited impatiently, skirted

his cologne seemed strong but so out of place, he looked dirty

worn down, look in his eyes like he wasn’t quite where his feet stepped

i followed the old lady up up

just a few steps and soon the train began to run

blew it all away, no scent to keep

but the vision remained

sometimes when i think of events in my life

hands i’ve held, views ive seen, kisses stolen, sats taken, and laughs shared

they feel like a whisp of air tainted with cologne

à cologne that reeks of something wrong

one that doesn’t smell like the striped white and blue i recall

perched in his arms, scruff on my cheek

smiling and oblivious, leaving early

sometimes it smells only rotten, a ripe perfume

and the smell comes back in full swing when i’ve started to walk the wrong way

but i can never tell until it’s left, only to come back again

last night i had a dream of many stairs and the fire alarm woke me up, 2am and i stumbled down 3 flights. fell back asleep at the bottom, hunched up and upset, still dreaming. climbed back up 3 floors, fell back into the heat of my bed, covered myself up, cocooned in warmth. no place for cold here, warm my body, absence of yours.

in my dream i went down three stairs and there you were! framed in the railways, her hand attached to yours. a smile, your fucking smile, shining wayy too bright. searing and sharp. dropping the bag, just for you! when my feet took me up, up, up. hard sound of body hitting cement, up, up, up. bag rolling, task finished! at least you got it! probably missed it!