grace chen

You know, I really almost got through a full week in 2018 without doing the whole cliché 2017 wrap-up post on social media... and yet here I am.

Not to mention I gave into that whole “comment with a memory of us” status going around. #whoamikidding #imsosenti

Maybe it’s partly my inner (or not so inner) basic girl, but mostly I just have this feeling that’s been gnawing at me for months now. Today I finally gave up trying to fight it.

I essentially have a million stories, thoughts, and reflections queued up from an entire year that have been perpetually clawing to get out and get written. But, in summary: 

2017 was a really tough year. Probably the most challenging year of my life personally and spiritually. And if Ima be honest, I’m still riding out (driving now, tho #licensed) the struggle bus and trying to figure things out.

But, I can’t deny that it was also one of the most amazing and most FUN years of my life. There were so many things that happened that literally made my jaw drop - things that were clearly made possible only by God’s hand and grace that I least deserved. Things such as:

making an Agabba Alumni (dance ministry teams) SoCal trip full of fun and fellowship, despite us not performing

getting a literal dream that led to hosting Jeremy Lin to come talk about his faith and Asian American identity at work

hosting a 12-hour worship and prayer gathering at work that tech employees from other states came to attend

speaking at Passion Talks about my job testimony

befriending and seeing Lyft/Uber drivers turn to God again

attending a redemptive entrepreneurship conference and being ignited by my Christian business leader crushes

being baptized with the best church ever and experiencing an overwhelming sense of joy and love I thought I would pass out

getting supernatural strength and peace in stressful af work situations

my first mission trip (Nepal!) and being inspired by the global Church

(finally!) getting my driver’s license and experiencing the freedom and autonomy of driving

traveling to at least 2 states and 4 countries

making new friends and spending time with old ones

and many more!

When I look back, there were so many awesome things that happened that do seem, in a way, to outweigh the bad. 

But, realistically, there were also many dark moments of depression, doubt, and feeling lost. Of not feeling “good enough” or overwhelmed or jaded or discouraged by tragic news in the world. Of not being able to love myself or others well.

It’s a constant process and journey filled with bumps - sometimes craters - in the ground. But at a recent service, Pastor Benjamin woke us up with the reminder that it isn’t about all the things that went wrong, but it’s about how, despite everything, God still came through. That even though 2017 may have sucked in many ways, at the end of the day, we somehow made it through, when we could’ve very well not have.

It’s 2018, and by God’s grace, I’m alive and breathing - and that in itself is enough. 

What a freakin’ gift being alive truly is. Out of his faithfulness, he carried me through one of the hardest years of my life. It’s only out of his love that I can have, with each merciful day after day, new opportunities to learn how to live the life of love that he’s designed me for - that he’s designed all of us for.

There may be crazy twists and turns, sometimes nauseating, unexpected dips and even terrifying free-falls, but at the end of the day, I have to remember that it’s all part of the ride. That just as the lows are often unexpected, so are so many of the highs. That even now I can look back on 2017 and see the places where God held me up and sustained me, strengthened me, surprised me, taught me, blessed me and somehow so many others through me (?!).

 And that one day, I’ll look back on now and say - yes - he was here, too.

So here’s to looking forward and hoping upward, and not being held back by the chains of the past, because it’s a privilege to be alive. 

“Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul?” - Matthew 16:24-26

Isn’t it interesting that this passage says those who “save” their lives will lose it, but those who lose their life for Jesus' sake will “find” it? Why "find" if "save" was already used before?

The break in this parallel structure bugged my inner grammar nerd enough to make me think about how:

The goal isn't actually to save and grasp onto what this world tries to tell us is "life.” What we see in front of us - job titles, social statuses, affirmation and adoration from others - none of that actually matters. It will all fade away. The real goal is to find. And the real reward to be found is true, abounding, eternal life.

This true life can’t be saved or even accessed apart from God, but rather is a hidden treasure that can only be revealed and attained through him. It’s like how the Marauder's Map in Harry Potter is only revealed when a specific phrase is uttered. The key to finding true life is wholeheartedly following Jesus.

We can try our hardest to hoard our money, build up our reputation, and maintain relationships, but the reality is: nothing we could ever do could ensure our security. One day, the economy could take a turn for the worst, or the bank could get hacked. Your reputation could get shattered. Your friends may turn against you. And, yes, your very life here on earth could end in a blink. And so, if we will end up losing what we "save," it basically means we can’t actually save it - and it’s true. There are too many things we can’t control. In the same way, it’s impossible for us to save ourselves. And that’s exactly why Jesus came and even died for us, as our Savior - so that we could have boundless joy, life, and love that the things of this earth could never give us. Not only that, but through following Jesus, we also get eternal life that extends beyond this fleeting one on earth. If that isn’t the greatest deal ever, I don’t know what is. (That’s why the “gospel” means “good news”!)

And on top of all this, we don't even need to worry about saving or preserving this true life, as if it will slip away. We only need to find it. And even that “finding” isn’t by our own strength; we inevitably “will” find it when we surrender our lives to Jesus. ”Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live,” - John 11:25 ”Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” - John 14:6 Salvation and life in Jesus is eternal. His love never ends, his goodness never expires, his grace knows no bounds. In fact, Jesus himself is "the” life. And Jesus will live forever.

This passage is always such a great reminder if what actually matters. Every day, we're bombarded with things that we "need" to gain for ourselves. We “need” to be liked. We “need” to look good. We “need” to have financial security. We “need” to be successful.

But, none of that even matters if we don't have Jesus. He doesn’t care about what we gather here on this earth, but what we store in his eternal Kingdom. He doesn’t care about what we do or produce, as he does about the state of our very souls - the priorities of our hearts.

When my life here is over, and I’m standing before God’s Throne, God isn't going to be impressed by the riches, stature, or praises from this world that I've acquired. He won’t be amazed even if I had 5 Teslas, a Nobel Prize, and straight A’s all my life. (The ship for the last one sailed long ago, anyway!)

Instead, God will look at my heart. And he already does, right at this very second. He will see where I invested my soul - in the world, or in him? In caring about myself, or caring about his people? In building myself up, or glorifying him in everything? I want God to be pleased with my heart. 

I want to be able to honestly tell God how I've done by best to love him and love others.

I want to be able to say that the things that I did were not at the price of my soul, but an overflowing result of my soul dwelling in God. 

Eternal life, deep fulfillment, uncontainable joy and love, and right relationship with God - each one is immeasurable and incomparable against the sum of all the riches, fame, glory, and temporary things that the world tries to sell us.

So let’s not worry about the “demands” in front of us, when all God wants is our devotion and surrender. 

Let’s actively prioritize our souls above our work, our time with God above our busy schedules, and his will above our own will. 

Let’s deny our own worldly lives and desires and instead choose life everlasting with God, our Creator and unconditionally loving Father who so deeply wants us to trust him with our all. 

Let’s release the counterfeit stones we hold onto so that he can put in our hands the invaluable jewels and hidden treasures he so wants to reveal and give to us.

Every time I’ve chosen to obey him, surrender to him, and follow him, he’s come through - without fail - with infinitely more than I could ever produce myself if I’d relied on my own limited strength, knowledge, and abilities. 

Every. Single. Time.

There’s something strangely satisfying and therapeutic about puzzles.

But interestingly enough, the most exciting part about puzzles actually often isn’t so much completing them. Instead, the real “aha!” moments of victory are when you try putting together seemingly arbitrarily shaped pieces and see that fit together perfectly. Cue tiny inner celebration.

Constantly collecting

Upon first meeting someone, you can barely get to know much about them. You can learn a little bit about their job, their dog, their taste in cuisines, and perhaps make educated guesses about them, but after all that, it’s barely a scratch on the surface.

But as time goes by and you gradually gather more pieces, the initially oddball bits and pieces of their “picture” begin to fit together. 

From hearing stories from their life, you uncover how many of those were vital landmarks along their journey, necessary puzzle pieces completing their present picture of who they are, even when they hadn’t realized it at the time. 

As continuous puzzles, and we are ceaselessly discovering each other’s inward intricacies – even those in ourselves. And in reality, human capacities could actually never allow us to truly, fully know every bit of each other’s puzzles. 

The thing is: that’s okay. In fact, that’s even better, because that makes our interactions and relationships with one another a never-ending adventure.

It was never so much about completing the puzzle. Because after that’s done, it’s over. The real adventures lies in the discovery of the pieces and how they go together.

But that’s not all.

A spot reserved for you

People are not only puzzles, but we ourselves are puzzle pieces. 

When we focus solely at ourselves disconnected from a bigger picture, we can easily feel out of place, lost, and without purpose. 

But instead, when we look outwards towards others and the world around us, we can start to realize that we have a much more important part to play.

Each of us is a puzzle piece with specific gifts, traits, strengths, and stories that may seem seemingly odd, random, or useless in isolation. After all, how significant could one single, small cardboard be?

But when combined with the right pieces, it turns out that all of us are essential pieces designed to help bring about wholeness to the fragmentation we see around us – in our families, our friends, our workplaces, our cities, our nations.

Every person, uniquely shaped and patterned, has a spot in the big picture, reserved for only them to fill. If the puzzle is missing even just one piece, the picture is incomplete. 

Edge pieces and patience

Sometimes, we might feel like edge pieces. Overlooked, underappreciated, unseen, even unnecessary. Neglected, pushed aside, put on the fringe. Not flashy enough to be in the center. Just another boring piece of the background.

But ironically, edge pieces are oftentimes the most important pieces. They are the ones needed for the framework and foundation of the puzzle. They are actually the ones on which the whole rest of the puzzle depends.

Sometimes, you might get tired of waiting to find the other pieces meant to fit you – whether it’s with relationships, friendships, other communities, majors, jobs, careers, living situations, etc. You start doubting whether those other pieces even exist. 

So you cheat, forcefully fit one piece with another one (”ah well, close enough”), knowing inside that they don’t actually work and belong together, especially given that the shapes may fit, but the colors and patterns clearly don’t.

The problem with force-fitting two pieces that weren’t meant to be together is that it throws the whole puzzle off. The piece that is supposed to go there can’t anymore, because its spot is being taken by an imposter piece. And the imposter piece, the one that’s forcefully fit in, can’t fulfill its true, intended placement in the puzzle because it’s occupying someone else’s.

When this happens, the puzzle is not as it was intended to be. Sadly, its full potential is cut short. There will always be the awkward gaps and mismatched designs, reminding you where your impatience got the best of you. 

When we give into impatience, fall into laziness, or lose sight of our worth and end up falsifying the completion of the picture, we end up robbing both the world of the pieces they desperately need, and ourselves from the puzzle(s) we were meant to fulfill.

Better together

Working on puzzles by yourself can be nice and often even meditative, but when the puzzle is a huge one with hundreds or thousands of pieces, it’s often much more fun and way easier to do with others than just relying on yourself. 

We can ask for help when we can’t find a piece ourselves, because someone else might just spot just the one we were looking for. We can divide and conquer, putting our focus on separate areas of the puzzle and then putting them together like pangeas.

The load is lightened. Conversations ensue. Everyone’s energies, victory moments, encouragement, and advice feed off of each other and spur each other on, turning an originally arduous process into an enjoyable team project.

If each of us is a puzzle and are in puzzles ourselves (with definitely more than a thousand pieces), how much more fun, productive, and eye-opening would it be to do it with others? 

Life is so much better when done with others.

So, what does this all mean for us?

Each little quirk, layer, story, and aspect of ourselves is a piece of the puzzle that makes up who we are. On top of that, each of us individually is also a piece of the puzzle that makes up God’s much bigger story, a picture that’s more beautiful and wonderful than we could even imagine ourselves.

Let’s think of ourselves not as unnecessary edge pieces, but pieces that are each equally essential to healing the world. 

Let’s focus on ourselves not in isolation, and in relation to others around us and the roles we may be called to play in other people’s lives. 

Let’s remember how God has been crazily faithful to us in the pieces of our story already, making all the random pieces somehow make sense in retrospect, and how he’s promised to continue providing us exactly the right remaining pieces, at exactly the right time.

The more time and energy we invest in finding out how our own pieces fit, grace we extend to others to better understand their pieces, and importance we place on each of our roles in the bigger picture that is the entire course of human history (#nbd), the more we’ll be able to revel in the magic that happens when the pieces begin fitting together into the beautiful, grand, and glorious overarching plan each of us were created to be a part of.