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Two friends of mine were of different generations and both married to very “ take charge ” men.

I never discussed D/s or any component with them, but their respective marriages were.

As I observed both, I began to see the possible damage that women run the risk of, psychologically.

I began to see tiny shards which I found questionable.

One friend came to visit one weekend. I knew that she enjoyed shopping as much as I did.

When I said to her “ so tomorrow morning…the stores?”

She hesitated. Looked questioningly to her husband and said “ ummm? ”

He smiled and nodded.

She turned around to me and said “ ok! ”

I froze at what I just witnessed.

Throughout the weekend, this scenario repeated.

I began to think that her freedom to make her own decisions, was eroded in a horrible way.

The other friend of mine was older, a different generation . She and her husband had what could only be described as a 1950’s lifestyle.

At first there was nothing to question, because of her age and the different time in our world, when she came of age.

Her husband became ill very suddenly and she lost him within weeks.

Her sorrow was devastating. Every day she would speak with me on the phone, and I offered a compassionate ear.

During the holidays, I decided to surprise her with a visit. She was thrilled.

What became terribly apparent was that her husband had taken care of everything and she was completely adrift.

Simple daily things, mailing insurance papers with registered mail, changing film in a camera ( no, she did not have digital), even ordering when I took her out for lunch one afternoon.

She explained that her husband did everything for her.

Before I left to go back home, she told me that she and her husband had a “very special” relationship that no one ever understood. She shared this with me, I believe because she knew I did understand.

One year later, to the day she lost her husband, I lost my dear friend - to what I will say was truly a broken heart.

These two examples are a cautionary tale.

Please do not allow yourself to succumb to this level of submissiveness in your relationships, so that your basic daily functioning is impeded.

Because one day you will have to function on your own.

A Tumblr follower sent a lengthy note about her heartbreak from the recent breakup of a 2 year relationship. The man she had been with, just ended it without any reason or explanation. Which of course left her confused and wondering ..why???

What he did was a typical passive/aggressive stance, meant to hurt her. Causing her to try to keep asking him, what went wrong??? And receiving no answer, only silence.

She is dealing with the fact that this man hurt her deeply. A betrayal, when our hearts make pacts with one another and one doesn’t uphold the promise.

She feels that her life is at a a standstill. All of her friends are married with children and living non-single lives.

She said that she’s learned forgiveness, despite her deep hurt.

But she feels foolish, knowing that she opened her heart so completely to him, sharing the most intimate thoughts.

And that she’ll never really forget him.

Her one question in her letter was “Tell me, will it get better at the end or will it get worse? “

No, you never will forget him. He taught you the qualities which you do not want in another person. And that if you ever see a glimmer of those qualities again, you will turn and run.

But you also learned something else about yourself, which should make you really smile.

You know how to love. You know how to open your heart fully to another.

You know what it is to be brave. To be your most vulnerable. To trust and share intimate thoughts, feelings and emotions with another.

You can’t and shouldn’t measure the pace of your life with anyone else.

Each of us walks a different path.

What might be perfect for your friends at this stage in their lives, might not be best for you.

I do believe that there is sort of an ordered plan to our lives and that life isn’t the haphazard journey we think it to be.  It’s like stepping stones to cross the waters. Once you get to reach land, you turn back and see exactly how one step lead to the next.

I will tell you that it does indeed get better at the end..

We become more comfortable in our skin.

We learn how to choose.

We learn what we will or won’t settle for.

We learn that we can stand alone.

And from all the heartbreak, we learn wisdom.

We still know how to love, but it’s not the blind trusting ‘fling yourself in the middle of it ‘ love we knew when we were younger.

It becomes something far more rich, and comfortable.