“Just hit a fire hydrant, but I survived. #unbreakable”
“Can I help you move? I’m really good at it! Afterwards I can take the cardboard boxes and use it for breakdancing.”
“I can’t use my GPS, but I figured it out. I just drove around in circles until I saw something familiar.”
“Anything that can be penis shaped, will be penis shaped!”
“You look like Encyclopedia Brown.”
“As your self-appointed emotional guardian, it is my duty to love and support you.”
“The original title of this was: A Lively Fisting.”
“I really like you, and I was wondering if you wanted to get a cup of coffee sometime.”
“IF you had gone to Hogwarts Academy, which house do you think you’d be in?”
“I really need this party to go well, which is why I’m stress eating gummy penises.”
“Well, four years of work down the drain and I have a penis on my head.”
“I hate doing work, but I love being flattered. So maybe I’ll give it another try.”
“Please put your pants back on.”
“ Love? Love fades away. But things … Things are forever.”
“What I hear when I’m being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.”
“We’re just friends. He’s like the gayest person I’ve ever met, but I make out with him when I’m drunk sometimes.”
“Earlier, I was licking icing off of my finger and boom, I swallowed my wedding ring.”
“One time I accidentally drank an entire bottle of vinegar. I thought it was terrible wine.”
“Oh, one time I rode in a sidecar on a guy’s motorcycle, and the sidecar detached and went down a flight of stairs.”
“ I AM NOT CRYING, OK? I’M ALLERGIC TO JERKS!”
“That looks like something you would find on the wall of a serial killer.”
“ I have never taken the high road. But I tell other people to ‘cause then there’s more room for me on the low road.”
“I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.”
“I’d like to say something. You are a wonderful person. Your friendship means a lot to me. And you look very beautiful.”
“But think how much better our friendship would be if we added…doin’ it.”
“I just opened a can of whoop ass on myself!”
“Your/My nickname around the office is Softypants Mchuggable.”
“Let’s cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let’s seal this devil’s threeway right here, right now.”
“We should sue their parents for spawning a human turd burger.”
“I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.”
“Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.”
“Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.”
“I typed in your symptoms here and it says you might have… network connectivity problems.”
“One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again.”
“ I call noodles long-ass rice. Chicken parm is chicky chicky parm parm. I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks…food rakes.”
“I feel great. I ran 5K this morning. No, no I didn’t. I threw up in the shower.”
“When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that one on a can of lemonade. I like to think it applies to life.”
“Catching the number 12 bus to Satan’s butthole?”
“Normally, if given a choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night if it meant nothing got done.”
“One time my refrigerator stopped working and I had no idea what do to! I just moved.”
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