i know i’ve done it thousands of times too many - run back to you, despite everything you’ve put me through. written a poem about leaving and woken up next to you. sometimes i’m picking up the pen in my mind when you’re right next to me. i know you feel it too. and it scares me to think that even though you’re not the one for me, that maybe i’m not the one for you.
isn’t it crazy. how i get offended when people don’t want me when i don’t want anyone. how i let you treat me well even on the days i want nothing to do with you. how i’ve turned into the villain in this story and i don’t know how to thank you.
and i’m used to it by this point, people blaming me for being stupid in a way they don’t blame you. but i don’t think i’m stupid. i still think it’s you.
and i don’t take it personally anymore. i’m happy those people have never been as lonely as i have been. i’m happy they don’t have to lie awake with our insecurities eating each other alive at night.
but there’s a difference, i think, between knowing you’re good enough and feeling it. between wondering why nobody wants you and people actually trying to get to know you. body counts. asking you out. the competition feels so real.
and i don’t expect people to know how it feels to hook up with someone who has cheated on you, either. to feel good enough. to feel good enough. god. it’s crazy. but i only feel good enough when i’m with you.
so i guess the truth is, this isn’t about you anymore. i’m not crying because i’m without you; i’m crying because without you, i have nothing in my future to look forward to. it’s easier to pretend i’d be happy with you than it is to imagine me with anyone else. being single for years does that to you, you know. i’m watching everyone around me settle down and wishing i was settling down with you only because i want to settle down too.
because when it comes between choosing you and being alone, i am always going to choose you.
because no one ever shows up for me the way you do. you’ve been a friend to me on the nights i’ve had nobody. i guess it comes down to the fact that i love you and i wish you were the one for me. that if we lived in a different time period, a different life, if we were different people, it could be. but every story i rewrite for us ends in us ending so i don’t give myself time to write. i just run back to you.
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