Kuroneko

How difficult it is to be at peace with yourself when you're able to recognize your own flaws, yet feel incapable of changing who you are or repairing all the damage you've caused.

I've spent many years trapped inside myself, without asking for help in the way I should have. That's why this last episode touched something very deep within me. I saw myself in Jax. Being cruel to prevent others from being cruel to me. Putting on a different personality for every situation. Adapting to my surroundings while hiding, deep down, who I really am.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a bad person. I've made so many mistakes, and even now, I feel like I keep falling into the same patterns. A bad daughter. A bad friend. A bad partner. A bad human being.

I'm distrustful of others, but even more distrustful of myself. I crave attention and approval while constantly doubting my abilities and my worth. I feel empty, as if I have no convictions of my own, letting myself be carried away by what others want or expect from me. And even when I follow that path, I continue to doubt. Because if there's anyone I trust the least, it's myself.

I've never truly taken care of myself. Not of where I'm going, nor of how I care for my space, my health, my diet, or even my hygiene. Many times, it feels like my own existence matters very little to me, and it hurts deeply that it has to be that way.