𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐑𝐑𝐘

desperation trickles into his fingertips,  twisting themselves further into shirt sleeves to hide the way his bones want to crack beneath the pressure.  maybe he had been idealistic from the start ;  too focused on the traditional plan that’s laid out before any couple and wanting so badly to fall in line with the footsteps of his own parents.  anger no longer hollows out his ribcage,  instead replaced by a solemnity he now thinks he should have adorned the whole time.  setting himself in someone else’s shoes had always been his biggest lacking.   ‘  it never even crossed my mind.  ’   his teeth find his lower lip as his eyes shuffles between the kitchen sink and her knees.   he works to keep his vowels soft and make sure the next string of words leave him softly,  void of any misconception of bitterness.  ‘  because it’s us and i assumed that we were on the same page and that   —-   i’ve never thought about an end for us,  and i didn’t think a ring was going to change that.  ’

the barricade finally falls when his arms hang at his sides again.  he audibly exhales once,  long and slow,  a physical attempt at resetting the atmosphere.  it had never been about not wanting her,  nor about no longer trying.  hearing the resounding  ‘  no  ’  that evening had only put charles in a place of fear ;  shuddering into a corner like a wounded animal.  he wouldn’t be able to handle idling by for years,  settling into a plateau before she inevitably pushes him off the cliff.  he wouldn’t be able to survive the fall.  (  surely wouldn’t be able to handle losing her either.  )   his body turns towards the couch seconds after a murmured,  ‘  i’m sorry for pushing.  ’

cherry feels lighter. a weight lifted off her shoulders like she can breathe easy again and look at him with a different expression, softer though still not entirely lax. her posture hasn’t changed, a guarded undertone in the slight furrow of her brows and pronounced stiffness of her body’s positioning. as of late she’s been a walking nostalgia, living with the constant dread that they’re not in high school anymore. it feels like she could blink and be back to a time when all they had to worry about most evenings was turning in a paper or facing a pop quiz the next morning. it’s incredible how far removed a four letter question could make her in only the passing of a couple moments. 

his body momentarily deflates.  if this was how they were going to end,  it was surely one for the books.  thinking too much about how quickly they went from the highest peak to ground zero always makes his skin crawl ;  mind occasionally disassociating with the world around him to bask in the alternate universe where he hadn’t proposed and they were still in the same content phase they were before.  thirty seconds pass with charles stoic like a statue,  letting the clatter of dishes echo between his ribs.  it isn’t him,  he thinks.  it can’t be.  he hadn’t done anything but love her and if this was the only response he could get out of her then maybe secondary opinions were correct and they were better off apart. 

‘  how is it that this is all on me ?  ’  a fusion of bewilderment and agitation lay foundation in his features,  seeping into cheek bones. steps are taken without second thought and charles finds himself lingering just beyond the formal entrance of the kitchen with arms still folded over his chest.  ‘  why don’t you figure out how to fix it instead.  or why don’t you just talk to me and tell me what about this whole thing makes you so scared to put in any more effort ?  ’  it’s not quite anger that resides between the words,  but he couldn’t name the emotion if he tried.  consonants sharpen their edge,  drilling a steadiness into his computer his breath clearly lacks.  ‘  save us both from wasting any more time.  ’

her arms cross over her chest, a subconscious defense mechanism when he’s back in her peripheral. she practically welcomes the discomfort felt on the small of her back against the edge of the counter, the way it serves as a distraction to her from what she should really be focused on. she thinks she could go mute to avoid this whole thing, hold her breath while she brushes past him en route to the bedroom and crawl beneath the covers so she doesn’t have to see him again til tomorrow. that might do them both more good than the state she’s in now :  the way her blood feels hotter and hotter in her veins and how she has to take an extra moment to compose herself lest she sputter remarks of sheer annoyance into the air that separates them.

she tugs the sleeves of her sweater to cover her hands, fingertips fiddling with the edge of the fabric. “i don’t - i don’t know!!” her voice sounds exasperated, but she is in no way frustrated with cherry, more just frustrated with HERSELF. she was never a very social person. “i guess what i’m wearing is fine. i just - i dunno. i don’t want to look stupid. and you - well your outfit is so cute and i’m jut wearing leggings…” she trails off, taking in a deep breath. “SORRY, sorry. i’m rambling, again. i…okay. i’d be happy to go. really. maybe - maybe it will be good to get my out of my comfort zone.” 

                                 ❛  ‘TWO WHOLE HOU—–’ ?  jesus, it’s only like, eleven-thirty!  ❜   he hisses in a whisper, negotiating the slim dimensions of the window with anything but finesse as he attempts to crawl in limbs-first through the opportune space. he eventually clatters in like a tumbleweed, doing good work of brushing himself off as he hoists his lithe frame to his feet.   ❛  ———–who the hell needs CURFEWS anyway? they’re for babies and - and old, … insane people. sure your night nurse isn’t gonna come poking her fat head in here lookin’ to make sure you’re still in your restraints, GRANDMA?  ❜   he asks, stepping into what he can only assume is her immediate proximity. his gaze bores into the void of dusk as his eyes struggle adjust to the darkness—- then, in no time at all, an image appears. just the face he wanted to see!   ❛  pffft. please. did you even see how i took that window? because just to RECAP: i took it like a damn champ. alright? takes more than some pesky window to foil KING STEVE, ma’am. run and tell that.  ❜

talking sense isn’t something he’s ever been good at.  emotions too easily entangling themselves with something more sharp in the name of self - preservation,  always opting for the undercutting tone that’ll leave charles empty but on top.  this proves to be no different even as his hands beg for something more soft,  heartbeat quickening in his chest like a plea to slow down and think before he speaks.  his arms fold over his chest to barricade himself when she steps close,  fingers twisting into the sleeves of his shirt to again restrain themselves from reaching out for her.  

‘  you.  ’   he speaks plainly,  finally able to keep his tone steady enough to make this a regular conversation when he dares to meet her gaze ;  ignore the fact that the threat of never seeing her again is staring him straight in the face.  it hadn’t ever been this hard for before,  there was zero preparation for the tension and charles had been so certain of himself and them and what was all going to happen thereafter that all he can do now is be grateful he still remembers how to breathe.  ‘  i’ve always  ..  just wanted you.  ’   his shoulders hunch with uncertainty.  would it be the worst to cut himself open again ?  yes.   his line of vision has to dart away from her,  finds the front door for a split second before returning to her face.   (  he’ll always come back,  he thinks.  )   ‘  i just don’t know how to act around you anymore.  ’

she finds herself holding her breath for a response, only for her posture to deflate when it comes. it’s past the point of fixing, she thinks. imagines herself with a hand down his throat, digging around for a tender i love you, we can work on this,  only to pull up the same defeatist verdict every single time. her regard tears away from him in surrender and she moves to gather her plate of unfinished supper, a heartbroken smile looming over her lips. ‘  you let me know when you figure it out.  ’ she doesn’t grant him another word, pacing into the kitchen and scraping her last few bites of food into the garbage.  it’s exhausting just being in his immediate vicinity.