GOSSIP WITCH

There’s something so exclusive about parties in the city during the summer. So intimate — with no unwanted guests. Well, or at least, almost no unwanted guests. And before social climbers and Elite-wannabes feel alluded, I’m talking about the paparazzi. Not that we don’t like to have our pictures taken, but it’s become increasingly obvious just how jobless and bored they are because they’ve been hounding the few people in town worth talking about — and even some unworthy ones like the Oliviers.

But summer and the beach go hand in hand, and I could never completely forsake the shore unlike that heartthrob actor D. Did you know he abandoned a lavish spread in the Hamptons (yes, he’s staying Stateside lately) to spend a steaming-hot summer in sticky London. Now that’s dedication.

Needless to say, across the pond we do things a bit differently. Admit it or not, here we like the whole royalty thing — especially a certain heir to the throne and his intellectual and super classy younger sister or most importantly, that French Empress we all know and adore. But I digress. Now that Wimbledon is over, I’m thinking of leaving town — no more of this popping back and forth on charter jets and helicopters. I know I said that things don’t get cooking in Capri for a while and I usually wait until August to hunker down for the season, but I’ve been getting reports about some intriguing activity out on the island. I might have to check it out myself. It’s so hard to be me: how can I be in two places — or three or four or five — at once?

But while I’ve got your attention, let’s check in on a few of our favorite people.…

A new couple?

There has been some speculation that the relationship between those two totally platonic “friends” is not just a school besties situation anymore. How shall we put it? Apparently, there’s romance involved. What’s the evidence, you might ask? My loyal sources report our Golden Boy and his darling “friend” D have been caught wearing matching, unidentified designer rings — details are scarce but we totally saw T flaunting what seems to be an alliance ring at the Royal Box in Wimbledon. And though many of D’s delusional fans don’t seem to be willing to give their blessings to the couple yet, we’re all here for it. Can’t you just picture them, cuddling on the sofa, trading their Gucci and Chanel, and just being absolutely adorbs?

And speaking of Wimbledon 

Is our favorite chanteur finally playing the Princess’ husband-to-be part? If we go by his most recent public appearance, we’d dare to say ouais! Our darling superstar was spotted at the Royal Box in Wimbledon catching the men’s finals. Yours truly and her private circle are still debating whether he was invited by HRH The Prince of Wales himself or if our PR Queen J just pulled some strings, but it was a start! Little M still has a lot to learn — he looked like a new money kid on his first day at Eton, dressed in an ugly Ralph Lauren suit and that lost expression — but we’ll forgive him just this once. Here are a few tips, M. Whoever respects themselves would never lounge at the Ralph Lauren private suite. And next time you try the GRWM format, skip the trad-wife-style voice-over, yours and Little T’s fans will thank you for it. 

L’été exotique

Last but not least, our dearest Empress and her hubby S are nowhere to be found. Rumor has it they’ve been holing up in a super exclusive and exotic private island that not even their closest friends M and J know the location of. It’s frankly a shame. We’d do nearly anything to see our Empress rock her summer wardrobe. 

But don’t think I’ll give up so easily.  I’m going to stay on the case and get some answers. It is, after all, my summer job, and I’m the hardest worker I know. 

Someone’s got to do it.

You know you love me,

XOXO,

I’m not ashamed to admit that “Summer Lovin’” (from our secret favorite staying-in-Friday-night movie, Grease) is one of the best songs I’ve ever heard. Not only is it catchy, it’s true: summer is all about love and gettin’ some lovin’, right? Only that fall is upon us and except for our emperor penguin couple — that’s Little T and M of course — there’s no sign of lovin’ in town.

It’s been almost three weeks and our Empress is still appearing solo. Sure, she’s been spotted around town with E, but there’s no law that business partners can’t have dinner together, is there? Besides, we think E might have his eye on someone else. You heard it here first. 

Meanwhile, D is throwing himself into his work — word is he’s already the second–most feared person on that movie set. We haven’t gotten close enough to verify the rumors that he’s sporting an engagement ring on his right hand — to throw off the paparazzi probably — but with a co-star as hot, we wouldn’t be surprised. 

Word also has it that Prince T is looking quite suspicious lately, sneaking around and disappearing at the oddest moments. We’ve rounded up the options: upcoming team transfer, new girlfriend, or Min-Ty secret rendezvous — after all, they looked so cozy at the Dupont Ball. Break out your camera phones, people: we need evidence!

What to expect when you’re expecting 

In a surprising turn of events — and lesson on PR mastery — turns out our Little Princess T and her boyfriend are not to-be parents. It’s a shame there's no K-pop and literary royalty on the way but turns out PR Queen J and her husband M are the pregnant couple — again, you heard it here first.  It is a real shame since M is looking surprisingly tan and toned recently, but I guess... congrats to the future parents!

Trouble brewing 

My spies at the set of Cesare Moratti’s new film have tipped me off about a very tense meeting between a certain highly respected and established actor and the Hollywood heavyweights of production who are bankrolling his latest venture. It seems that the deep-pocketed producers are less than thrilled with the dailies and want to rethink the casting. Could this mean that C or D need to be worried about their roles? Stay tuned. Meanwhile, D was spotted showing an unidentified special guest around the set—we hear the private tour included a lengthy visit to the star’s trailer. Any bets on who the lucky guest was?

Okay, that’s enough with the sightings. I don’t have time for this, really. I’m on my way to that amazing and super-exclusive party every fashion editor has been fighting to be invited to. I’m dressing the part, of course — old-school Hollywood it is. Oops, I’ve already said too much!

You know you love me,

XOXO,

Running the gossip mill isn’t all parties and Superior Red — the Black Family’s super exclusive and scarce red wine. You know, gossip is a round-the-clock job...

Okay, fine, it’s a lot of parties and exotic drinks, actually.

I might not be saving lives in St. Mungo’s, but I’m saving your social lives, people, and that’s every bit as important. For those non-believers, I’ll share just a few of the questions that keep me up late into the night lately (when I don’t have a party, that is)

The premature male midlife crisis

What’s with our Golden Boy's recent sightings? Sure, they sort of match his all-Gucci wardrobe, but since when was he so . . . outre? I heard he was seen on Monday at a new guest-list-only club in Mayfair called Reform. Is it one of the famed, super exclusive London Gentlemen’s Clubs, or is this a very boys-only kind of scene — if you know what I mean. Could it be that since he’s already been hit on by every female in the city, he’s moved on to the males?

Here for you

The other boy I’m a little concerned about is my personal favorite, L. Yes, he’s still as hot as ever, and yes, I would give up my Delacroix Enchanté bag to be his fairy princess. I just wish he’d stop lurking around Southwark looking like a nervous wreck. If he needs a hand to hold he knows where to find me.

Nice body, I mean, hair

Every member of The Elite looks a bit different lately — I’m convinced it’s the new Beauté+ Power Moisturizer working its wonders. However, the greatest transformation of all is the usually basic-looking M — J’s husband. If you haven’t seen him since this morning, this is breaking news: he got a haircut! It’s definitely the work of the old man barber on St. James Street, but his forehead and sweet brown eyes are actually visible now, which is definitely an improvement. The short-sleeved t-shirt and tight jeans he was wearing might have helped too. He’s got it going on! so for once we're jealous of J!

It’s going to be a sultry, bustling month, people, but you know I never rest. You’ll always know who’s coming, who’s going, who’s crashing the hottest parties on The Magic Lamp — Logan Fraser's super posh club — The Coven and even those tacky parties at places like Chez Olivier. After all, I’m everywhere.

You know you love me,

XOXO,

What are our favorite Elites up to? 

Well, here’s the afternoon tea, or should I say T because first up is Prince T who was last seen skulking down Berkeley Square with his hands in his coat pockets, looking uncharacteristically angsty and preoccupied. Is Little T’s upcoming marriage the source of his concern? Or maybe there’s something juicier bothering him?

J is back in the city and her first stop was one of those customized T-shirt places in Bow Road, where she was caught picking up a custom-made baby tee with her husband, M —quite literally, that’s his name. Could it be true that Little T and that other M are mixing their upcoming wedding with a baby gender reveal party? Apparently J couldn’t wait to be the first congratulating the soon-to-be parents.

Little T was driving all the way to Manchester in a convertible Jag to watch a certain dress rehearsal. Our readers have been debating whether or not the muggle artifact is a gift courtesy of His Royal Highness himself, or just some eccentric present from a certain k-pop star. What is pretty clear is that the car is an engagement token and surely, Little T was rocking it.

M —and I mean our Empress— and her business partner —where is her actual partner, btw?— were spotted ordering chai at The Connaught. E looked a bit let down by the choice, maybe he was wishing for something more mood-altering?

Meanwhile Baby E —that’s Emily Choi, of course— and L enjoyed a little PDA as usual as they strolled down St. Katharine’s Way. Sources claim she’s never had a boyfriend for more than five minutes, so we’ll see how long this lasts…

And if you’re wondering about me, I’m off to planning a seasonal getaway. Spring is less than two weeks away, and with all the slush and sleet and subzero temperatures, it’s about time. Some of us— including yours truly—will spend our vacation wisely, sunning in the latest designer string bikinis on remote Mediterranean beaches.

But no need to worry. Wherever I go, I still will be here to fill you in on anything and everything worth talking about.

With an official engagement announcement —it’s official if you make an IG post about it, right?— and if our gut feeling is correct, a very imminent wedding, the next couple of months are bound to be all about the good stuff: love, gossip, fame, and infamy. Speaking of which…

Big Move —I meant movie

One of our most famous elites in town is about to become even more famous. He’s a local legend already, but could he be headed for a whole new level of notoriety? Like, not just fashion magazine covers, but also Hollywood red-carpet premieres? It sure looks that way now that D has managed to land the only acting gig worth getting: a starring role in a major American movie headed up by potentially insane rogue director Cesare Moratti, playing opposite that gorgeous, golden-stubbled megastar C. I’m swooning. Judging from his history, C will soon become his leading man offscreen too. Some people really do have all the luck. Even though we all thought Empress M and Little T were the stars of this season, they appear to have paled in comparison. 

We don’t know about our reigning Empress, but Little T must be getting used to it

Marks on Mark

However, T seems too busy cavorting with her good-looking celebrity boyfriend in between tour stops to care. Yes, you read it right, after our Little Princess made her engagement public, her fiancé has lost all sense of demure, and according to the reliable source of muggle social media —and his not so reliable fans— he’s been seen showing off T’s excellent —or sloppy, depends on how you look at it—, marking skills during an online fan meet. Next time, get a scarf, M. 

What else is happening out there, people? Send me the scoop: hot gossip, the latest hot spots, the location of that new secret Antique boutique, the dirt on the set of D’s new movie. Anything. And can someone please tell me the date and location of the totally top-secret Delacroix spring party? I’ll need to reserve a preparty coiffing at that new super-exclusive salon Adela Kim opened recently, of course. So spill!

You know you love me,

XOXO,

The people’s empress

It appears the Wizarding World has finally lost its beloved Empress to the nonmagical lore. M has been sighted wandering around an unfamiliar part of Kensington looking forlorn and buying a copy of L’Officiel Hommes and Purina cat chow at a tacky mart. “Could this be a cry for help?” Asks user wannabemrslee. 

It’s barely midnight, and just like Cinderella I’m home, dry and snug and out of my mauve patent-leather Delacroix stilettos, which are ruined for good from the rain. Call me Granny Sensible, but from now until spring is officially here I’m wearing only Maison Olivier slippers, inside and out —those won’t be a loss. Now that I’m warm and comfortable we can discuss this intriguing evening’s news.

Greek god

Word in from Greece that E has been partying up a storm after allegedly getting dumped by a mysterious lover. I can’t believe I have to say this to the very King of Hearts, but it’s about time he lets the art of distraction do its work. E, surround yourself with gorgeous girls, open a bottle of champagne and pretend you’re not missing a damn thing. You truly are not. 

The wedding of the year

Okay, so I’m not talking about Beauty Empress Minah Delacroix and her Tech Genius husband —that is so last season, even Prince T got over it. This couple is not married—yet. They haven’t sent the invites and she hasn’t been fitted for the dress, but they did appear wearing matching brand new rings —Cartier, no less. And where did these two people who two days ago were just ‘so private and pure’ —as his fans claim— totally NOT kiss and fondle each other in a very public way all week? They were like emperor penguins, doing that “I’ve found my partner for life” dance, all over London. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had to stop in at the ER at St. Mungo to have their lips surgically separated just so he can embark on tour tomorrow. 

And you know what? I sort of hate happy couples. Of course, we love that you’ve found each other, but sometimes it’s more polite to be happy in private, so people don’t have to watch you being all perfect, cutesy and boring. Think of it this way: if you leave more up to our imaginations, we might be kinder to you when we talk about you, which we are bound to.

At least, I am. I simply cannot keep my mouth shut! And neither can some of you.

And this is definitely not the last word

Something tells me this isn’t the last we’re going to hear about tonight, some of us are alone, some us are not, and, as Scarlett O'Hara once said, tomorrow is another day. If there’s anything to report, you know where to find me, and I certainly know how to find you.

You know you love me,

XOXO,

Well, well, it seems I'm not the only one who can't keep her mouth shut. You've been deluging me mail jam-packed with the latest updates and juicy tidbits of things so stupid I just have to share, so I've decided to include a smattering of your letters in each missive. Enjoy, my pets.

• Q 

Dearest Gossip Witch you don't know how long i've been like planning to start my own web site or blog or whatever I know I will never be half as famous as you are but I just wanted to tell you totally are my inspiration and  obviously I know everyone you're talking in your posts about because they're totally about me and my friends and sometimes we act stupid but we're all smart we're just really competitive and sometimes it makes me sad that we can't just all get along and rule the world together you know?

—pixieclown

• A 

Dearest pixieclown, I do know. I also know that you and your friends really aren't the people I'm writing about but it's okay if you want to delude yourself into believing you are. I'm sure your problems are quite valid and I do sympathize. I hope I meet your expectations as far as this page is concerned, but please don't let my efforts prevent you from writing something of your own inspiration —we left copycats in the last decade. You have a voice, so by all means use it —unless you’re just some hateful weirdo wannabe, in which case, please refrain from doing so, The Elite and our braincells will thank you. But first, a word of advice: take a deep breath, drink a glass of Sancerre, and use some punctuation. It may seem old-fashioned, but your friends will have something —other than your social climbing tendencies— to admire you for.