Step By Step

The hard part is feeling so trapped. I’ve never felt so trapped in my entire life. it’s so surreal because I’m not.

I took a new job in an office cubicle. Something I never could do. It’s money steady and going. It’s just so boring. I do look out the windows all day at the city scale I have. I do more tho. I look at the height and wonder what falling would be like. I’m not suicidal. Promise no one will find this after my death and feel guilt. I have always wanted to fly. More soar actually. I can feel the wind fly past me if I concentrate long enough. It’s just beautiful.

I have the option of working remotely at any time from anywhere. So I sit there and dream of the different landscapes I’d like to work at. Because I can’t handle the space. It feels so confining. They’re all so nice so don’t get me wrong. I can legit come and go as I please. They buy snacks and more. It’s so strange to have an employer take care of me after all these years.

I think the real issue is I’m trapped because I can’t do it right. Maybe it’s life I can’t do right. I can admit I’m trying hard to stay in the box I’m wanted in. But I can’t break out because a part of me doesn’t want to. Fear maybe? Maybe it’s also seeing the future and it looking good. Just something is missing.

I’m a firm believer in some people suppose to be in your life. You just need to be able to let go when it’s time. I’m getting good at that part. I just can’t let new people get close anymore. That’s a whole other ass issue.

2019 was a true year of learning for me. I kept saying it was a year of lessons.

I pride myself on my loyalty. I’m loyal to a fault sometimes. I made some lifelong friends I thought. K was one that I met when I started my job at the dealership may 2017. We became instant friends. There was something about him. His dramatic antics were a stark contrast to my ‘I don’t wanna deal’. He was someone who reminded me I needed to have fun and put myself out there. We were a true ying yang. There was never a time you didn’t see frick without frack. He was also selfish and didn’t want to see his fault in things. When K was in an abusive relationship he decided it was time to leave. The money and time ment nothing to me I did for him. I wanted him out and safe. Then they got back together..... I spent months dealing with the backlash. K called other companies that had job offers for me to try and get them to decline. He texted my crush lies. He used my phone number and email for rehab places and realtors and more. It was worse and worse. It hurt so much because I’ve never been betrayed like this by someone I cared about. I had two other best friends. M and I met and was truly one of the coolest people ever. We were open and honest. This one hurt even more. M believed some lies she was told by someone ( comes in later) and backed away. Later on I was too dramatic. That hurt even more because I was raw and honest. I know this one I’ll miss eventually more than anything. H is the last one. This one was in AA. I have no clue to this day what I did to her. She tried to trash me at work and eventually did the same things as K when she was fired from our job. This was such a slap in the face. I cried on her shoulder over K. It hurt so badly.

It hurt to be treated this way and not see where my growth can come from. I’m afraid I’ll stop trusting soon. I don’t want to even talk to people anymore. Eventually I believe I did things and some I can see. I try to be available at all times for the ones I care about time or financially. I don’t blame anyone after for it at all. This was a true time of being turned on and hurt so badly. I’m trying to take this and move on. I hoped writing this would help. I still feel certain emptiness inside. Because I trusted these people so much and to not understand. K did come back a couple months ago. I haven’t responded to any text or emails. His apologies mean nothing because I can’t forgive him this time.

Well, Its been a while since I've been here. Slightly good. More so not really. A lot has happened. I moved to Milwaukee. Started 2 new jobs. Quite one to work a promotion. Then left that job for this one at a dealership and its been going great. The funny part was i thought running away would make me feel better and things easier. I was wrong.

Things are on an up. I noticed even though this entire time there was a part of me though....that wasn’t full? I don’t think thats the right way to say it though. I noticed the more i did, It just doesn’t feel right yet. Maybe its because i’m so broken still and i didn’t get put back together right. Its all the wrong pieces. I’m not positive. It just gets harder and harder it seems lately. Some days i just want to try running away but not tell a single soul this time. Other days i just want it to be done for. I know if i wait it out life will be over sooner or later. At least when i focus on work i know i can do something productive. I just don’t understand anymore what the point is. I’m just kinda over this. 

I did date again here. I really did love him. But maybe it was more a right person wrong time thing, we broke up though. I don’t know what makes me more upset. The part of it over or feeling like he didn’t feel comfortable enough to talk to me about things that upset him. I tried so hard. I think thats what hurts so much....the fact i tried and forced my self so much. It wasn’t i forced myself to love him, that was easy. It was the fact i felt like some days he didn’t like me for me. I know he told me once that he wished i wasn’t so weird. He didn’t like my dogs either. It was hard. It was hard knowing that i tried changing and it wasn’t good enough either still. I think that was a lot of the issue in the end of me. I kept questioning every thing i did and couldn’t figure out if i was good enough or not. I think thats a huge issue for me in general. I wish i could talk to him but i’m afraid. I don’t know what else to say other than that above. I wish there was a recorder.

When he did talk he said i was mean to him and i wish i could watch it on a camera. I’m sure i wasn’t pleasant to be around sometimes, no one is always. I don’t understand why i’m so upset. It was someone who made me feel like i wasn’t good enough, Forgot he was suppose to hang out with me. I just needed someone to listen to me and not make me feel bad. He made me feel so bad some days. But i was never able to feel like he listened when i explained.....I wasn’t ever blaming him. I wish i could tell him this someday but i can’t I just give up. I think I need to. I don’t want to. I do love him. I just need him to listen. 

I deleted all the dating apps on my phone. I don’t want to meet someone this way. Its just not me... The sad part was i remember saying i was finding who i was again. Maybe i never did. 

I don’t want to find someone else. I thought i did. He just doesn’t agree anymore. I didn’t want any possessions, money or anything. I just wanted a future together with someone who loves me for me....and doesn’t think i’m ‘not normal’ I guess i just feel a different kind of broken anymore inside. Those pieces that didn’t right but kinda did fell out and shattered more if possible. I don’t know how to fix this again. I don’t think i can this time. 

I opened up so easily to him. It scares me alot. I know i need this at least to help me move on in life but i’m afraid to i think more than anything. In a way i’m letting go of a moment that defined me in a way i didn’t think it did. I think i want to run away for real this time from my problems. Not tell anyone where i go and delete facebook. I think i might. I need to.

 I’m gone to force myself into my music again. i need to express it all. Or else it isn’t gonna go well. I can do this. I need that constant in my life. Maybe i won’t feel like a failure as much then. I just need to let it go that i’m not......even though i really am. That hurts to admit. I don’t even know my purpose anymore. I can’t keep writing because it hurts in a way. I’m just not ready to release that part of me again. i’ve been cutting. Just little scrapes because i knew it would do the job for now. i’m just afraid it won’t forever. i just want to be done somedays. Then there are other days i’m so focused on the fear of the next step. Its what makes being healthy hard. Its a slow death...but death non the less. 

My stress is so high its consuming me and it scares me. I can’t hold it off much longer. I just need to let it go some how. I don’t wan to talk about it because i feel like i’m looking for attention. I know i’m not but thats how it looks to me. Everyone else has probelms. I just don’t think they get how far to the edge i truly am. i’m hanging on the cliff watching the world go. The ground is slowly crumbling and i’m just waiting to see what happens. I can wait. I don’t know how long but i can wait. 

When i lost my father in a way i lost much more. I lost the innocence of childhood. I lost the will to be something in a way also. I took on new roles and never truly delt with my grief like i needed. In a way i knew someone needed me to be the positive role model. I think i resent that in a way. Thats where alot of my anger comes in now. It feels good to not only admit it but realize it. 

I use to when i was a kide sit in my yard and talk for hours to the clouds. I believed heaven was so close so i’d tell my grandparents about my day, my friends, how my new sister way. Another thing i’ve resented. I didn’t talk anymore when he was there. Any time i talk to him all this time later i’m filled with anger to him, to god, really anyone. Because what little girl should grow up with out her biggest fan? I once sat at the cemetery and yelled till i was horse. I cried so much for the firt time in a long time. I thought i needed him to see, to feel all these pain i’ve bottled up for 14 years. It wasn’t. It did nothing. I tried praying to him. Nothing. I can’t figure out why he wasn’t listening to me anymore. I thought he would have come to in a dream or something. Any way to tell ME he was listening. But to everyone else he did. I resent that too. I promise i’m not a resentful person. 

I can do this.

I knew him for a long time. I dated him for over 4 years and we broke up because i just didn’t want to anymore. I knew i needed to make sure i was grown up enough for the next step, i wasn’t. It was almost 2 years later. We had slowly started to fall back into the ‘dating’ frame of mind. He told me his dad sold him his grandparents place. I asked if i could come see it sometime. He offered me a ride so i could help picking out colors and paint. It was fun like the old times. Then some more friends of his showed up and the drinks were poured. Between all the stress of school, CAB, Leadership banquet and home, it was nice to forget for a bit. 

I remember my friend showing up and deciding i needed to eat something. I remember going to the little restaurant. I remember him going through my phone. We then went back to his place and i was tired. My friend wanted to give me a ride back to his house. Show up to school in the same clothes?  I couldn’t do that. I begged to stay so i could ask him to give me a ride home. I knew he would’ve. I know he didn’t want to leave me.

I was in the bed in the garage. I remember him crawling in  saying after a nap he’d feel better about taking me home. He asked if i did that on purpose. Did what? I couldn’t understand what he asked. I said no i didn’t. I felt him start kissing me. I shrugged it off and said i was tired. I felt him pull and grab me and i said it. I whispered it ‘what are you doing, I don’t want to.’  I felt every push. I remember tears rolling down my face. I gave up saying no and trying to tell my self i was fine with this. It was finally over and i laid down and cried silently. It was finally morning when he took me home and didn’t say a word to him. I walked in changed and went to school and pretended nothing happened. It is not Aug. 25 2016. I am finally admitting it to myself it happened. 

I’m so nervous about moving out but i’m excited. I have made a decision on what i’m doing now though. I’ve made a decision to drop any charges against  him. I don’t want him knowing where i live now. I don’t want my mother and sister hearing everything. I can’t handle it. I just hope i don’t regret this someday.

I put my 2 week notice in yesterday. The feeling was so nerve racking but now i’m ready to be gone. I don’t think i realized how baldy i was being treated till i realized i was disposable. I’m so tired of that Bitch treating me the way she does. I don’t deserve the abuse any longer. I hope They all learn to grow up honestly. Then again, it is retail. 

I’m just happy to be somewhere he won’t know where. I won’t have to fear coming home and seeing his car on my street. I can be practical finally. Maybe my anxiety will subside a bit when i move. I don’t mind the commute for a few weeks. Hopefully we will find something and move in April. I can live till then. I’m just so happy i was able to find not 1 job but so many so far. I always worried i was truly that worthless work wise but this. This helped reassure me that i am good at what i do. 

13 Days. 17 hours. 27 Minutes. 5 Seconds. 

I feel like if i need to say something its brushed off because im rambling. I ramble because i don’t know how to feel. If i talk it all out then i feel better i think. Well let me rephrase that. I feel worse because everything is at the surface breaking it to the world finally. I feel better because i’m not holding it in anymore. i feel scared because i’m not holding it in. I feel empty because its not there anymore. The fear and pain is something i know will always be there. Weirdly, it makes me feel human to know i have something to count on being there. Even if its one of the worst feelings to have still. I guess it makes me feel human still? Not like this emotionless or emotional freak anymore. I don’t even think this makes scense anymore. 

I can’t decide whats worse at this point. I can’t tell anymore who I am. I remember in the beginning knowing if it was really Sarah showing or this new fake Sarah. I can’t tell the difference anymore. I have concluded that this means i’m either healing truly or  I've lied to myself too long now that i can’t be just ‘me’ anymore.

 I want to blame him so much for doing this to me. I’ve never hated so much in my life. I don’t know if I hate him more for the act or myself for letting it change me this way so much. I’m ready to do what i need to though. In exactly 3 months today i will start my job at my new store. Its not far enough. I won’t look over my shoulder now looking to see if hes here. I need to be gone yesterday. Maybe that could be what i need.  My move to help bring out old Sarah.