vanessa's strap

The first thing you notice today is how fucking hot it was. You never felt like it was this hot in the ER before. 

Maybe it was the mid-day sun, too hot, beaming into the open space. It made everything brighter, hotter, stickier. It didn’t help that your face felt like it was melting already, the way it did when Cassie praised you. Or the fact that you wore a long sleeved shirt no matter the time of year—or that you refused to take it off no matter how lightheaded you got. 

You also refused to pull your sleeves up, no matter how much you sweat. 

The sun would be setting soon, and you couldn’t be more grateful. It would stop beaming, you would stop sweating, and you would cool down. 

You chug, probably, your fourth bottle of water for the day, the July heat was no joke. And you didn’t need to pass out. Nor had you eaten anything today, and you probably wouldn’t. 

You sit in the chair at the desk, taking a few deep breaths at a time. Hoping to cool yourself down. You press the cool part of the bottle to your forehead, hoping the condensation will do enough to cool you down a little. But it doesn’t. 

You lean your head back against the chair, swallowing hard. 

Trinity throws a granola bar on the table in front of you, a reassuring smile as she passes by. You hold it in your hands like it’s foreign, like you’ll be exiled if you eat it. 

You push it into your pocket, for later, you tell yourself. But it will rest there until the end of your shift, then make its way into your locker, like all the others. 

You run a hand over your messy ponytail, trying to rid the sweat forming at your hairline once again. 

You’re tired, so fucking tired, but no matter how much you want to you won’t take a nap. You barely slept last night, barely even got a breath of rest before your alarm went off. Three, maybe four hours. 

After you ate a whole bunch, you puked, sat against the linoleum of the toilet for hours. You weren’t sure how many, but it felt like a while. Then your hands reached for the box underneath the sink, dug sharp and precise lines into your forearm, ones you regretted the second it started to sting. 

But you kept going, kept doing it. Because you couldn’t stop. You don’t think you’d ever stop. You knew you needed to, but you couldn’t. 

Nothing good to live for, but you’d never make the jump. Didn’t want to leave this all behind, the one thing you worked your entire life for—medicine. Even if it sometimes felt like a chore to get up out of bed, to eat, to keep breathing. 

Somehow you still manage to do all of that. And the one certain R2 who took you under her wing also makes life a tad bit better. 

You decide to get up, only slightly lightheaded when you stand. White dots cloud your vision, and you close your eyes, holding a hand out to the desk for stability. 

You take another deep breath, open your eyes, it’s clear now. You take a step forward, slightly wobbly as you move along. Nobody noticed you, nobody ever noticed you. 

Only Cassie noticed you. But even then, there were very few times she did. 

You walk into the bathroom, lock the door shut, sit on the toilet. You needed to sleep, but you couldn’t. You needed to eat, but you shouldn’t. 

You dig your fingers into your eyes, rub the sleep out of them. You breathe heavily, a drop of sweat runs down the back of your neck. It’s even hotter in the bathroom, somehow. 

The door swings open, and your stomach tightens. 

“y/n, sweetheart? Are you in here?” Cassie’s voice is heard from outside your door, and you can picture her perfectly. 

Cassie’s head tilted upwards, trying to look for you as if your head would pop above the door. Her eyebrows tilted together, mouth pressed into a focused line. Her hands rubbing together nervously, the jacket probably shrugged off by now. 

You clear your throat, “Yeah.” 

It’s weak, you know it is, but you just want to go home, get out of here. Go far, far away from all of this. Never see any of these people again. 

“Are you alright?” The door moves slightly, and you know she’s leaning her body weight against the door. Her foot crossed over the other, head and shoulder against the door. Hand more than likely resting on the handle. 

“I’m fine.” You shake your head and swallow. 

“You wanna come out for me?” Her voice is soft, like you’re a little puppy on the side of the road that will run if she makes the wrong move. 

You sigh, lift yourself off the toilet, unlock the door but don’t make a movement to swing it open. 

Cassie opens the door, takes you in, looks at you softly. Her eyebrows pull together further, her mouth tilting into a frown. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” One side of her mouth lifts to what she hopes is a reassuring smile, but she doesn’t think she succeeds. 

“I told you. I’m fi—“

“Fine. I know.” Cassie nods, because this conversation has happened multiple times between the two of you. On multiple occasions, in multiple settings. “But I want the truth. Don’t lie to me.” 

“I’m telling you the truth.” Your tone matches hers, reassuring. Gravely, but soft at the same time. 

She gives your face a once over, but nods anyway. She never believed you, you knew that. You also knew she wouldn’t give up until she found out what was actually going on. 

But you hoped you could hold out on this facade until you were long out of this ER. Into a new workplace somewhere far from the depths of Pittsburgh. 

You try to push past her, but her hand grabs onto your arm, pulling you back. You hiss in pain, pull the arm out of her grasp, rub the spot he grabbed. 

Her face holds concern, leans her head in, lightly touches your shoulder. 

“What’s wrong? Do you have a bruise there?” She frowns again, moves her hand up to the side of your neck, pushes a piece of hair from your face. 

“No. Yes.” Your eyes widen when she catches you in the lie. You swallow around the lump in your throat, and your hand shakes slightly. “Yes. It hurts.” 

She lets out a huff of air, but doesn’t pressure. She would never pressure you to tell her something. Ever. She knows how it feels, and she wouldn't want anyone to feel that. Especially not you. 

“Okay.” She says. But she doesn’t look sure. Doesn’t look like she’s going to give it up. And that scares you. “Have you eaten yet? You don’t look so good.” 

“Fine. Fine.” You wave her off, and her hand slides back from your neck to your shoulder. “I’ll eat soon.” 

Her lips are pressed in a line, and she nods. 

“If you need money for food, I can cover you. It’s not a problem.” She shakes her head, lifts your head so you look at her.

“I have money. I just need a second to go.” Your eyes look into hers, you hope that they don’t say anything. Don’t tell her you’re struggling, that you can’t keep any food down. 

“Well, I’ll cover you. How about you go right now? If Robby bitches at you, tell him I gave you permission. I am your superior.” She bumps you with her shoulder. 

“Okay, yeah.” You nod, but don’t plan on getting anything. You let yourself wear a soft smile that’s nowhere near real. 

You slide past her, move towards the door. 

“If you don’t feel well let me know.” She jerks her chin upwards, and your stomach drops. “You look like you’re about five minutes from passing out. I’ll take you home if you need it. And you should take that long sleeve off. It’s heating up here.” 

You look back at her, nod wordlessly. Your hand reaches the door handle. And then you’re gone. 

Then next time you see Cassie, you’re being shrugged awake at the nurses desk. You’re sweating more profusely.

“y/n?” 

Trinity’s hand rubs at your shoulder, trying to jerk you awake. You feel groggy, like your body is conscious, but you can’t fully wake up. You try to mutter something, and it comes out muttered. 

“What? I—“ Trinity lifts her head, looks around, eyes landing on Dana. “Dana!” 

Dana runs over, pulls your chair out a little further, hands resting beside your thighs. She does the same as Trinity, shakes your shoulders. 

You take a deep breath, roll your head sideways, blink a few times. 

Dana’s cool hand comes up to your forehead, moves around a little bit. “She’s hot.” 

“We’re all hot.” Trinity tries to bite back, but there’s worry there, too. 

“Has she eaten today? Drank anything? She doesn’t look good.” Dana shakes her head, curses herself out for not checking on you more. “Could be a heat stroke. Or just from her not eatin’.” 

“I gave her a granola—“ Trinity’s hands freeze over your scrub pocket, the outline of the bar still in your pocket. “She didn’t eat it. Have you seen her eat at all?” 

“No. No.” Dana shakes her head, hands running down your arms. 

You hiss in pain, still only half there, but gaining a little more consciousness as the seconds pass by. Your hand shakily reaches where she dug her finger in, pushing her hand off you. 

“What was that?” Trinity looks at Dana. 

“I don’t know—“ 

“Woah, woah, woah.” Cassie pushes through the two of them, and the crowd forming around the desk to get to you. “What’s going on here?” 

Trinity and Dana’s heads snap up to Cassie, and she lifts her eyebrows. 

“She— she was passed out. I don’t know—“ 

“Hey, y/n..” Cassie’s hand comes to the back of your neck, massaging her fingers into the skin. “Wake up for me.” 

You blink up at her, close your eyes for a few seconds, like your blinks are delayed. Your lips tilt upward, “Hey, Cass.” 

“Atta girl.” She leans over you, rubbing her other hand up and down your bicep, careful to stray away from where she touched earlier. “Can you sit up for me?” 

You manage to lift yourself up, sitting up in the chair, Cassie’s hand resting on your back. 

Dana and Trinity watch in amazement, small smiles on their lips as they watch the two of you. Cassie was always the one who could get through to you, if you’d let her. 

“I touched her arm. She has pain on the forearm—“ 

“I’m going to take her home.” Cassie cuts Dana off, only spares her half a glance. “I’m not coming back, she shouldn’t be alone.” 

Cassie pressed her lips together, swallowed something thick in the back of her throat. 

“Can one of you grab her bag—“ 

“I’ll drop it off on my way home.” Trinity assures her. “Don’t worry. Take her home.” 

Cassie whispers in your ear, helps you lift off the chair, wraps her arm around you so you can put your weight on her side. Cassie grabs her keys out of her pocket, unlocks the door when you reach her car. 

She buckles you in, squeezes your hand as she ducks her head out of the car. 

The drive over is a blur to you, you think Cassie might’ve tried speaking to you, but gave up after a few minutes. 

Cassie unlocks your door with her spare key, pushes it open for you, sighs when her sticky skin hits the cool air inside your apartment. You’re more conscious now, can hear everything she’s saying, see her clearly. 

You can see the worry on her face when she tells you to go sit on your bed. You don’t complain, drag your feet while you walk down the small hallway. 

When she comes into your room, you’re laid back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling with your hands resting together over your stomach. 

“Come on. Let’s take a cool shower. It’ll make you more comfortable.” Her hand is reassuring on your back, and you stand compliantly. 

She starts the shower, making sure it’s cool, but not too cold to the point where you’ll freeze. She helps take your scrub top off, trying to ignore the way her chest clenches when the granola bar falls out. She helps you step out of your scrub pants, one of your hands on her shoulders. 

And then she sees it. See’s the faded scars, the new ones just drawn into your skin last night. Your eyes widen when you realize she saw them, you cover yourself up. 

She doesn’t ask, just brushes the palm of her hand over your cheek, her fingernails digging into your scalp gently. Gives you a soft, but reassuring smile.

Somehow, she also removes her own clothes, steps under the spray of the shower with you. 

She’s soft with you while she helps you wash your body, your hair, rid yourself of this day. It’s domestic, and even through your groggy state, you wish you could have more of this. Of her. 

She’s even softer when she scrubs over the scars, and it makes your chest flutter. She didn’t make a big deal out of it, didn’t ask a million questions, didn’t ridicule you for ever thinking it. 

After she washes you, she does it herself quickly. Scrubs her hair and body and then she’s turning the water off, and she dries the both of you off, bringing you to your bed. 

She turns her back to you, towel wrapped tightly under her arms. She grabs you a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, underwear too. 

When she turns around, your hands are on your face, and she hears what are definitely sniffles coming from you. 

“I’m sorry.” It’s muffled through your hands, and you lift your head, eyes full of tears. 

“Hey, don’t be sorry.” She frowns, a soft hand on your wrist to move your hand further away. “I’m not upset.” 

“I just—“ You pause, twist your lips and bite the inside. “You’re spending the rest of your shift here. With me. You should be at the hospital.” 

The pad of her thumb runs under your eye, wipes any stray tears that fall, listens carefully. 

“And— and you just saw my biggest secret.” You let out a watery laugh. “And I just ruined any chance I’m ever going to have with you. Because I’m so stupid. I didn’t eat anything today. If I would’ve eaten this wouldn’t have happened—“ 

“Hey.” She grips the back of your neck softly, thumb coming under your chin to look at her. “Don’t say that.” 

“It’s true.” You sob, look down. 

“Look at me.” She says it softly, but there’s authority to it. You glance back at her. “I’m not going to judge you. And I would never, never tell anybody about this. You understand me?” 

You nod weakly. 

“You’re not stupid, I promise. Far from it. You’re the best damn intern at that hospital.” She tilts her head so you can see her better, smiles softly. “This won’t change how I feel about you, okay? But I want to get you the help you need. Can I do that?” 

You nod again, let out a shaky breath. 

“Yes.” 

“Okay.” She nods too. “Let’s get you dressed.” 

She slowly unwraps the towel, makes sure not to eye your body as she does so. She may like you more than a friend, but she would never do that to you. 

She helps you slide the shirt over your head, untucks the wet hair from your neck. Then she slides the underwear up your thighs, followed by the shorts. 

“I’m gonna borrow some clothes, is that okay?” She lifts her eyebrows and waits for a response. 

“Okay.” 

If you were in a normal state, you would joke about her walking around naked, but you weren’t in the state to do that. Nor were you anywhere near the stage in your relationship?.. to make that kind of joke. 

She dresses quickly, then comes back to your side. She brushes your hair softly, trying not to cause any pain. 

She kisses your forehead, helps you move up in the bed. 

“You’re not mad, right?” You look up at her with watery eyes. 

“Of course not.” She shakes her head. “I couldn’t be mad at you.” 

She kisses your cheek next, then you shoulder over your shirt. She kisses down your arm, hovers over the scars. 

She looks up at you, “Is this okay?” 

You nod, and she places soft kisses over the scars, softer than the one on your cheek. She does your other arm next, then lowers to your stomach, kisses a line where your shirt rides up. She lowers herself further, to your thighs. She kisses the scars there, too. They are more faded, but she’s still soft there. 

When she’s done, she looks back up at your face, lifts herself on her arms. 

She places a soft hand on your cheek again, lets her lips brush over yours until you lean forward just an inch. You kiss her softly, swipe your tongue against her lips. 

She pulls back, looks at you like you’re her everything. 

“Not tonight, okay?” She looks between your eyes. “I just wanted to show you I’m serious. That this doesn’t scare me.” 

“Okay.” You whisper. 

“I promise I want you too.” Her eyelashes flutter as she blinks. “But you’ve had a day, and now isn’t the time for that.” 

You nod, pull her in for a hug. You rest your head on her neck, and her hands roam your back, squeezing your hip. She pulls back only an inch, presses another soft kiss to your lips. 

You pull your face away this time, smile at her. You yawn, and it wracks your whole body. You want nothing more than to lay with her, to fall asleep. 

“Hey, no sleeping yet.” She squeezes your hip again. “I want you to eat something first.” 

You whine in disapproval, reach your hand out for her when she slides out from underneath your body. 

“Come on.” She reaches your hand, pulls you to the side of the bed. “I’ll make something. What do you want?” 

You huff and let her drag you back down the hallway, sit when she pulls the chair out at the kitchen island. 

She looks through your cabinets, fridge, sees what you have laying on the counter. It’s not much, but she could make something. 

She finds stuff to make grilled cheese, and even finds a can of tomato soup in your pantry. She doesn’t ask how long that’s been there for. 

“Grilled cheese and tomato soup?” She holds the can and bread up, a smile on her face. 

You nod, rest your head in your hand and watch her cook. Her back is to you, moving quickly to get the food ready for you. 

She places two grilled cheeses in front of you, along with a bowl of hot soup. She gives you a look, and you nod, look down at the food. 

“Hey, you don’t have to eat all of it, okay?” She tilts her head, pinches your cheek. You giggle, look her up and down. 

Her hair is in a messy bun, red hair moving every which way. You’ve never seen her with a bun, but it was very cute on her. Along with her in your clothes. 

“Just try for me, okay?” She places a kiss on your head. “I won’t be mad if you don’t finish it.” 

“Okay.” 

You touch the grilled cheese like it personally offended you, but manage to eat most of it. You eat one of the sandwiches, then a few bites of soup. 

You push the plate back, shake your head. 

“Done?” 

You nod, and she brushes her knuckles against your cheek. She takes care of the mess, tells herself she’ll do the dishes tomorrow. You needed her right now, and she’d give you what you want. 

Her hand is on your lower back, guiding you back to the room, she pushes the door open for you. You slide back into the bed, and she holds the covers up so you can get in. Then she slides in next to you after turning the light off. 

You rest your head against her chest, still testing the waters. She lets you lay there, no protest, and slides an arm around your back. Scratches the sliver of skin where your shirt slides up. 

“Where’s Harrison?” Your voice is scratchy, the day finally catching up with you. 

“At his dads.” She drawls. “I’m on my own tonight.” 

“You’re staying, right?” You lift your head, eyebrows pulled together. 

“Yes. Yes.” She nods, pushes your head back down where it was. Now her hand scratches your scalp, lulling you to sleep. “I should’ve worded that better.” 

“No. It's okay.” You shake your head, squeeze your eyes shut. 

“What I meant was..” She bites her lip. “I don’t have Harrison tonight, so I am free to stay here with you. And even if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t leave you by yourself.” 

You smile to yourself, the care from her warming you in a way that is concerning. 

She kisses your forehead, lifts your head one last time to place one on your lips. 

“Go to sleep, okay? I’ll be here when you wake up. I promise.” She lays her head on top of yours, places another kiss on your head. 

When you wake up, Cassie’s still there. And it makes you smile. 

Her bun came out at some point last night, and her slightly damp hair fans out over one of your pillows. One arm is above your head, and the other is underneath you. Her mouth is open, and she looks peaceful.

You roll over a little bit, place a hand over the soft of her stomach, rest your head on her chest again. 

She shifts underneath you, pulls you closer. 

She rolls over so you’re facing each other, and places a soft kiss on your cheek. Your hands come up to the sides of her face. 

“Morning.” She pulls back to look at you. 

“Morning.” You smile. 

“What are you doing today?” She smiles as well, her dimples popping out. You run a finger over them, resting there. 

“Whatever you want.” You shrug. “We could just lay in bed.” 

“No.” She shakes her head. “We should get up and do something today. What will make you smile some more?” 

“You.” 

You don’t say anything else, just look at her. She laughs, mouth open in surprise. 

“Well, that can be arranged.” Her hand finds your hip, pulls you in so she can kiss you again. She rolls you over so you’re on your back. Her thumb slips under your shirt, rubbing softly at the skin. 

She pulls away and looks at you softly, “How about.. we go get breakfast.” 

You hesitantly nod. 

“You don’t have to eat a lot.” She shakes her head. “Just a little something, okay?” 

“Alright.” 

“And then we could go take a walk..” She smiles down at you. “And then.. whatever you want.” 

There’s room for suggestion there, and you blush profusely. You bite the inside of your cheek and lift your head to kiss her again. One hand finds the side of your face and she deepens the kiss. She lets your tongue enter her mouth, deep, and she lets out a soft sigh. 

She pulls away and kisses your cheek. 

“Alright, c’mon.” She pulls you out of bed like she did last night. “Let’s get moving.” 

You smile at her, eyes soft, “Okay.”

She squeezes your hand, watches as you change out of your night clothes. You hand her a few pieces of clothing for herself, wordlessly. 

After getting dressed, she pulls you in again, like she can’t get enough. 

“How about tonight I take you on a date, hm?” She bites her lip, one side of her lips tilting up. 

“I’d like that.” You look at her lips again and then back up to her eyes. 

You weren’t okay yet. Far from it. And you wouldn’t be okay for a long time. Although, you couldn’t help but feel a little bit better. You weren’t sure what this was. What you and Cassie were. But you were sure it was something good. 

You were sure this was meant to happen. For it to all crumble down around you to get the one good thing in life you needed. To get Cassie. 

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Cassie’s hands are intertwined with yours.

They have been since you’ve left the hospital today. She held your hand the entire way to the car, the entire ride home, and even now, after you’ve eaten a late dinner, her hand is sown into yours.

She’s thoughtful, was the first thought that crossed your mind when you first met her.

You’d just started as a new grad nurse, scared shitless out of your mind when you arrived, way over prepared. But she helped you. She guided you.

Even though she was a doctor, had doctor things to do, she guided you through your first day.

After passing you off to the charge nurse, Dana, she checked in with you every so often to see how you were handling things.

It was thoughtful.

So was the random coffee that would show up at the desk along with sticky notes on the side, cute notes written on the color of the month. You were convinced she bought them in bulk in all different colors.

So was the birthday gift that somehow made it into your locker without you opening it. A cute basket with all your favorite snacks and drinks and anything else you loved. All topped off with your favorite colored bow.

So was the night she took you out for dinner after a rough shift that shook everyone. She noticed you nervously sitting in the break room, picking at your nails until they bled. She helped you stand, talked you down, opened up to you in a way she hadn’t opened to anyone else in the pitt.

That was the night you learned everything about her.

The night you knew you liked her more than just coworkers or friends.

But now, she is more thoughtful than ever. Her full attention on you, never leaving you, even as her favorite show turned on in the background.

She’s a vast difference from anyone else you’d been with in the past. She’s kinder, softer, thoughtful.

It warmed you.

You bit the inside of your cheek and looked down, unable to maintain eye contact for much longer without losing all of your confidence.

And you needed that tonight.

You feel the brush of her finger as she lifts your chin back up, dark blue oceans cascading over yours.

“I’m serious.” A crease has formed between her eyebrows.

You’d dubbed this as her ‘serious’ face months ago when you told her you didn’t want to have sex right away. When she’d made you a home cooked meal, your third date to be exact, continuously asking if you were okay.

She watched you bounce your leg beneath the table, watched you take long sighs in attempts to calm your nervous system.

You outright told her — fork halfway to her mouth — everything.

About your past relationships, how they ended, how the sex started and ended before it really even began.

She looked genuinely upset that night, so upset you were concerned a permanent frown would stay plastered on her face for the rest of her life.

Cassie reassured you that she would never do such things, that she’d take her time with you. She would never go overboard or do anything to hurt you. She’d always make sure you came before she ever let you touch her.

You never blushed so much in your life.

But you were sure tonight would beat that.

“I know you are.” A small laugh leaves your lips, but Cassie doesn’t find any of this amusing. That makes it all the more funny.

Or maybe you were just nervous and were finding everything funny at this moment.

“I don’t want to do this if you aren’t sure.” She squeezes her fingers between yours. “I don’t mind waiting. We can wait until we get married, for all I care. That’s not why I’m with you.”

“I know.” Your voice is soft in the quiet of her apartment, only the quiet lull of the television in the background. Right now, you were the only two that mattered. “And I appreciate that.”

She searches your eyes carefully, waiting for you to speak again.

“But I’m ready. We can’t hold it off forever.” One of your lips twists up into a small smile, eyebrows raised with amusement.

“I just want you to be sure.” She nods her head as she speaks, lowering her head only a few inches.

“I am.” Your free hand comes up to cup the side of her face, your thumb brushing over her cheek. “I promise I am. I wouldn’t say that if I wasn’t.”

“Okay. Okay.” She closes her eyes for a second, pressing her lips together, her dimples forming at the corners of her mouth.

You lean down and press a kiss to the one your hand isn’t covering, and Cassie leans into your touch.

“I just.. wish I knew you wanted to do this tonight.” She lets at a quiet sigh as you kiss down to the corner of her jaw. “I would’ve made it special.”

“This is special.” You lean your head back up to look at her.

“Really?” She lifts her eyebrows in disbelief. “We had takeout for dinner and we’re watching crappy tv on the couch. This isn’t exactly special.”

“It’s your special.” You emphasize. “And that’s all I want.”

“Okay. Are you sur—“

“Cassie.” You laugh, “I am absolutely sure. This isn’t my first time, you know?”

“But it’s our first time.” She leans down and your noses brush against each other.

“Cassie.” You whisper. “Take me to your bed.”

With a hitched breath, she scoops you between her arms, your intertwined fingers finally breaking its hold. She carries you down the hall, not even worried about the half open takeout containers or the television that’s still playing.

All she’s focused on is you.

She lays you gently against her bed, your arm wrapping around the back of her neck to pull her down into a kiss.

This one’s different from all your others.

Rather than the soft, careful Cassie you’re used to, this one uses her tongue, clashes teeth, lets out the most beautiful noise when you run your tongue against the inside of her mouth.

She breaks away from your lips to kiss against your jaw, towards your ear, "Let me lead, okay?”

“Okay.” You let out a breathy moan when she nips at your earlobe, hot breath fanning over your ear.

Heat pools in the bottom of your stomach as she kisses down your neck, taking time to find that sweet spot above your collarbone. She takes her time there, nipping, sucking, kissing, all to hear that sweet little sound you make.

“God, you’re beautiful.” She kisses lower, beneath your collarbone.

“You haven't even seen me yet.” You find yourself rolling your eyes.

“Don’t care.” She shakes her head as she leaves another mark. She fiddles with the bottom of your shirt, “Can I take this off?”

“Please.” You lift your arms so she can remove it easier.

You lean around your back to unhook your bra, and Cassie grabs the fabric from your chest, throwing it behind her onto the ground.

For a second, she only admires you, staring like she hasn’t eaten all day long.

She kisses down the valley of your chest before she brings one hand up to touch your left nipple.

“Is this okay, sweetheart?” She nuzzles her nose into the skin of your breast, nipping and sucking at the exposed skin.

“Mhm.” Your lower lip is pulled up between your teeth, breath coming out heavy, the softest moan coming from between your lips.

And Cassie wants to learn all the sounds you can make. She wants to elicit more sounds such as that one.

“So good for me.” Her lips attach to your nipple, and your body arches up towards her, eager for more. Your hands find her wavy red hair, weaving the strands in between your fingers like you had with her hand earlier.

Her other hand squeezes the flesh of your hip, pulling your body as close as she can get to herself.

“Cass.” Your voice comes out shakier than you’d intended, and you can feel her smirk against your skin.

“Yeah?” She peers up at you, blue eyes darker than you’d ever seen them before. “What do you need from me, baby? Tell me.”

“Can you touch me? Please.” You lick your lips and stare up at the ceiling, unable to meet her eyes, cheeks already flushed from her close proximity.

“Look at me.” She squeezes your hip between her fingers, emphasizing that she’s serious. It takes every ounce of courage you can muster, but you lower your chin to face her. “Good girl.”

“Please?”

“You don’t have to beg me.” A smirk finds its place on her lips once again.

Her hands come down to the tops of your sweatpants, eyes looking up to yours for a silent permission, which you grant with a nod and a lift of your hips.

She throws the clothing along with the rest on the floor, running her hands along the sides of your body, taking in the newly exposed skin.

“God, you’re—“

“You don’t have to do that.” You shake your head, looking away before her eyes reach you, arm instinctively coming up to cover the top of your body.

“I want to.” One hand comes up to move your arms. When you look back to her, her eyes are softer than they were before. “You’re beautiful.”

You choose not to say anything else, scared of what your voice might sound like.

“I know you haven’t had the greatest experiences.” She squeezes your hand. “But with me, this is what it will always feel like.”

“Okay.” You whisper with a small nod.

“Do you want to keep going? I won’t be upset.” There’s a crease between her eyebrows that you want to ease off.

“No. Please keep going.” Your eyes are pleading.

“Okay. Okay.” She nods, placing her lips against the tops of your thighs before making her way inward, spreading your legs apart with her hands.

Her mouth makes its way to your clit, placing a soft kiss that sends an unexpected shock through your body. Her tongue makes a soft lick up your slit, as if to test the waters.

You let out a small groan, biting the inside of your cheek as your fingers make their way through her hair once again.

“Mm-mm, baby.” She shakes her head as her mouth comes back up to your clit, sucking and licking softly. “I need to hear you. I need to know I’m doing a good job.”

“Okay.” Your voice wavers, breaking off into a moan when she presses her pointer finger inside. “Feels— good, Cass. So good.”

“Yeah?” She smiles against you, her licks beginning to quicken, her finger matching the pace of her mouth. “You think you can take two?”

“Yes. Yes.” You chant breathlessly, holding the back of her head to pull her closer to your center.

She slides another finger in easily, curling effortlessly when you pull at her knotted locks, as if to say easy.

“You’re doing so good, sweetheart. So good for me.” She lifts her head to look at you, but you’re already staring down at her. She watches your mouth open, a soft groan leaving your lips. “You’re close, baby. Why don’t you let go for me?”

You nod your head vigorously, arching off the bed when her fingers press deeper.

“So close, Cass.” You push her head back down onto your clit, moaning again as she sucks, fingers curling perfectly to hit the spongy spot inside of you.

You pulse around her and let go with a loud moan, nails scratching at her scalp, probably hard enough to draw blood, but Cassie doesn’t care. Not one bit.

“Fuck.” You sigh as her lips leave you, her fingers pulling out, leaving you feeling empty.

She crawls up your body, kissing your neck and nuzzling her nose into the space where your jaw meets your neck.

“Was all of that okay?” She looks up at you, and you nod, leaning down to kiss her soft lips.

“More than.” Your lips trail away from her neck, but she pushes her fingers through your hair now, pulling your head back up to give you a soft kiss.

“Not tonight.” She shakes her head.

You frown, looking at her guiltily like you’d done something wrong, but she only smiles.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” She shakes her head, placing another kiss on your cheek. “But we need to shower and we have a long shift tomorrow.”

“But—“

“Ah, ah.” She places a finger against your lips. “Tomorrow, okay?”

“Okay.” You look between her eyes before kissing her dimple.

“I wanted tonight to be about you. I didn’t want you to think you had to do anything for me. Even if you want to.” She stays there a second, playing with a strand of your hair before standing and scooping you between her arms.

Cassie carries you into the bathroom to start a shower for the both of you, not too hot or cold. She washes your hair and body for you, not letting you lift a finger.

Only after you beg and plead to let you wash her hair, does she let you.

“You don’t have to, you know?” She leans her head back so you can get the top of her scalp. “I can do it.”

“I know.” You kiss her temple. “I wanted to.”

She lets out a small laugh.

“You know that’s what I like most about you?” You ask as she turns around to face you.

“Hm? What is that?” She lifts her eyebrows, waiting for a response.

“How thoughtful you are. Even if it takes away from your own needs or energy.” You look up at her through your eyelashes. “It’s your most attractive quality.”

She smiles at that.

“Besides these, of course.” Your finger touches over the groove on her cheek.

“And you know what I like most about you?” She smirks. “Everything.”

She kisses all over your face, erupting laughter from deep inside your chest.

“Cass!” You laugh. “I need to rinse your hair out. You’re getting soap all over me!”

“Good thing we’re in the shower, huh?” She switches you spots so she can rinse out her own hair, just staring down at you as she does so.

After you finish your shower, and finish the rest of your nightly routine, you crawl in bed beside your girlfriend, shutting the light off.

She opens the covers for you to slide in beside her, her arm open and waiting for you to mark your spot for the night on her chest. She plays with your hair, her other hand placed on the exposed skin of your hip, drawing miscellaneous shapes.

“Thank you.” You whisper after a few minutes.

“For what?” You hear a rustle as she tilts her head down to you.

“Taking care of me. It means.. a lot. More than you know.” You lean up so she can kiss the top of your head.

“You’re welcome.” Her voice becomes raspy as she tires out. “Let’s go to sleep. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.”

You chuckle, “See? So thoughtful.”

“No, baby.” She shakes her head. “Bare minimum. This is what you do for someone you love.”

“Mm. Love you too.” You nuzzle closer into her chest, falling asleep in no time, not even realizing she just said she loved you on her own terms. Nor that you said it back without a second thought.

Whenever Vanessa has had a rough day, you’d only know by the way her shoulders never relaxed and the crease between her eyebrows stayed there, whether or not she was smiling at you. She didn’t like talking about it, let alone be openly in a bad mood.

You didn’t know too much about her past, but you knew that she grew up with an abusive father. That was all she had told you, though. And abuse could take many forms, you didn’t want to assume. Maybe one day she’d feel ready to tell you more, but that was entirely up to her. You would never pressure her into sharing more than she felt comfortable with.

For the time being, you got used to silently supporting her when she needed it. Navigating that without upsetting her further was difficult at first, but you got the hang of it eventually. It was all about noticing the smallest shift in her body language and facial expressions, the tiniest ways her muscles would relax when you said or did just the right thing for her that helped her feel safe. You’d be lying if you said that it didn’t fill you with pride to be able to help her relax and feel better after a particularly rough day, whether it was work-related or not.

Vanessa let herself fall into her usual seat on the couch with a heavy sigh, throwing her head back against the backrest, her shoulders tense, a deep crease between her eyebrows, her eyes closed, and her mouth set in a thin line. She took a few deep breaths before opening her eyes and attempting to smile at you, only for it to look forced.

“Not a good day?” you asked softly, putting your hand in her silky hair and stroking it ever so gently. You fixed her with an equally gentle gaze, a small, compassionate smile on your lips.

She shook her head ever so slightly, her strained display of being okay wavering and failing, as she relaxed into your hand at the side of her head. Over time, you learned that she loved to have her hair played with in every way. It wasn’t something she would just let anybody do, though. And it was a privilege you didn’t take lightly.

“I don’t know if I can go back to Spin Class,” she murmured after a few more beats of comfortable silence.

“Why not?” You frowned, but kept stroking her hair while you talked to keep her feeling safe. “I thought you loved it there. Even made some friends.”

Another heavy sigh pushed past her lips. Vanessa sat up a little straighter, moving her head away from your gentle hand, which you let fall onto the backrest. It was better to not force any physical contact with her, then.

“I did. But…,” she paused, hesitating as she opened and closed her mouth a few times before shaking her head, looking frustrated with herself, “never mind.”

Every time she stopped herself from actually telling you what was wrong, your heart broke a little. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust you, you knew that. And it didn’t hurt because you desperately wanted to know; although that was part of it. It hurt because you could tell that she wanted to talk about it, but couldn’t get it past whatever blockage was inside her mind, which told her that she would be in immediate danger if she did.

“Do you want to be left alone right now?” you asked after giving her some time to say more if she decided to, but she didn’t. You accompanied the question with another gentle smile to let her know that you only meant well.

“No,” Vanessa responded while her gaze was softening just looking at you, “I just want to feel normal.”

That was all she had to say for you both to know what she needed and wanted most at that time – to get out of her head.

Thus, you soon found yourself lying on your back on the couch with Vanessa on top of you, straddling your head as she rubbed her wet cunt against your chin, lips, and tongue. Her right hand was holding onto the couch’s backrest for support while her left hand grabbed the top of your head, holding you in place for her to use as she pleased. Your own hands were stroking all over her body, her thighs, her ass, her waist, her breasts.

Her pleasure-filled moans were like music to your ears. Her eyes were closed and the crease between her eyebrows remained, but now it was mostly due to focusing on her pleasure, rather than whatever had upset her that day.

You loved looking at Vanessa while she was on top of you like this, grinding down on the lower half of your face. The way her blonde hair swung freely with the movement of her entire body, how concentrated she was with chasing her orgasm through you, how her deep red lips were spit-slick and slightly swollen from making out heavily before she got on top of you, how her mouth hung slightly open and all those sweet noises got past those pretty lips, how her cheeks reddened and her brow was decorated with a thin sheen of sweat, how her breasts moved along with the rest of her body, bouncing in rhythm with her hips, how her nipples took on the same colour as her lips after you twisted them between your thumbs and index-fingers, while you’ve been kissing her breathless earlier, and how the scar on her abdomen, that she never told you the truth about before, was constantly in your line of sight, making you aware of a story of survival you didn’t really know about yet, but admired her for all the same.

All of those things you loved about her simply displayed for your eyes to feast on, while she was able to escape her own mind with your help. You wouldn’t change it for the world. You’d lay there and let her use you like that forever if you could.

“Y/N! Ah, I’m close,” she moaned, doubling her efforts as her thighs around your face and the hand on your head tightened with them.

Groaning affirmatively in answer, you grabbed one of her breasts with one hand and held onto her waist more tightly with the other, keeping her steady on top of you. Your thumb found her scar, though, just like it always did, lightly stroking over it. And you, too, doubled your own efforts as you flicked your tongue against her clit more insistently then.

Your nose was buried in her pubic hair, breathing in her scent constantly and feeling dizzy with how much you loved it, feeling it on your cheeks and lips. By then, you couldn’t taste and smell anything that wasn’t her anymore and it drove you wild with need.

Eventually, Vanessa’s moans became shorter and higher, coming out in bursts in the rhythm of her hips, until she ground down on your tongue, lips, and chin in tiny circling motions, while her orgasm finally ripped through her body, tearing long, pleasure-filled moans from her. She kept at it for a few more moments, riding it all out until the stimulation on her clit became too much and she lifted her body off of you, hovering over your head with trembling thighs and a heaving chest.

Breathing heavily, she opened her eyes to look at you and a genuine smile stretched her lips wide immediately.

Vanessa shuffled down a little until she was lying on top of you and her lower body rested on yours, so she could hold herself up more easily. Her hands found your chest, stroking gently over it, as she continued to smile at you. Her breathing calmed down slowly and so did your own.

Grinning at Vanessa, you put your hand back into her hair once again that night and played with it. Chuckling softly, she leaned into your hand for a moment before moving her head forward to catch your lips in a much less heated kiss then. You were sure that she could only taste herself on your lips, but she clearly didn’t mind it when she simply kept pecking your lips over and over again, still smiling slightly.

The lower half of your face was slick with her juices, you could feel them drying and cooling down. You were still feeling hot all over, needing her, wanting pleasure, wanting her, loving her. You would never tire of it, couldn’t possibly.

For the moment, though, you were already satisfied by the fact that the tension in her shoulders was gone, such as the crease between her eyebrows. Her face was smooth and relaxed, her whole body was. And that was all that truly mattered to you. Wrapping your arm around her waist, you pulled her closer to you, almost like you were trying to fuse your bodies together. She breathed out a soft laugh, stopping the sweet kisses to burrow her head into your neck, inhaling your scent, and sighing lightly, sounding relieved.

“Thank you,” she mumbled, pressing a gentle kiss against the side of your neck. “I’ll return the favour in a minute, I promise.”

Before leaving, Vanessa reminds you to grab a jacket because it's gonna be chilly out. After she grabs the blanket out of her car, you take her hand, and both of you begin walking to your secret place that's not far from the house. You prefer walking rather than driving because not only do you need the extra steps, but you enjoy feeling the slight breeze against your face and the sun warming up your body. Also, a car drive would mean less time to spend with Vanessa, even though you're gonna be with her the rest of the day. Walks are just nicer.

"Was spin class fun today?" you ask Vanessa, stroking your thumb over the top of her hand as you hold it. "I know you've been looking forward to getting out and 'being normal.'"

Vanessa hums, thinking back to earlier when she pulled out a gun on some guy who just wanted to check on her. "It was okay. I just wanted it to be over so I could be with my favorite girl."

You chuckle and squeeze her hand. "That's how I felt at work. The customers were horrible today, and I got scheduled with the most incompetent people ever. I couldn't get anything done. But now I'm here with my girlfriend, about to have a picnic with her on a lovely day."

The rest of the walk is spent gushing over each other and talking about finally moving in with Vanessa after weeks of procrastinating. Almost all your things are already at her house anyway, all you gotta do is give your landlord the 30 day notice.

When you arrive, Vanessa places the blanket down on the grass and takes the tupperware full of food from your hands, placing it on top. You kneel on the blanket and pop the lid off the bowl, crawling over to Vanessa and sitting right next to her. She pulls you onto her lap and mumbles, "Pretty girl. You smell so good" into your ear, making your cheeks heat up. She nuzzles her nose into your neck and inhales your scent, which makes her head all fuzzy.

Both of you eat in silence, only occasionally commenting on how pretty the leaves on the tree look or pointing out a mama duck and her ducklings swimming in the river. You enjoy the way Vanessa's hands rub your thighs up and down, especially when it starts to get colder. Even though you wore a jacket like she told you to, you have on a skirt. The cold is nipping at your cheeks and legs, making you shudder and huddle closer to Vanessa. She takes off her dark green coat and wraps it around your legs, kisses your cold face with her lips to warm you up even further.

"Do you wanna leave, baby?" Vanessa asks.

You shake your head. "No. I wanna stay a little longer." You slide off her lap and lie down, pulling her down with you. She kisses you before cuddling on top of you, and you wrap your arms around her back, stroking softly.

You close your eyes for a few moments, basking in the warmth of Vanessa's body, and the next thing you know, you're fast asleep. When you open your tired eyes, it's sunset, the sky now filled with dark purple and blue streaks.

Vanessa notices you stirring and lifts her head off your shoulder.

"Hey, sleepyhead. We both fell asleep." Vanessa finds your pouty, tired face so cute. She rubs your cheek with her thumb and kisses your lips before helping you sit up. "Let's get home before it gets too dark. I got the blanket and tupperware, don't worry."

You stand up and get off the blanket so she can pick everything up while you wipe the sleep out of your eyes. Picking her coat off the ground, you slip it around your body, wrapping your arms around yourself and rubbing up and down to warm up.

Vanessa throws the blanket over her shoulder and carries the empty bowl in one hand, the other one taking hold of yours. Once you're home, you immediately collapse in your bed and get all comfy while Vanessa puts the bowl and blanket away. She visits you in the bedroom and sits beside you, moving a piece of hair out of your face and pulling the blanket up higher for you.

You open one sleepy eye to look up at her. "Spend the night?" You pout and make grabby hands at her, scooting over to make room for her. "I slept so good in your arms. And I want you to stay."

"I'll stay." whispers Vanessa. She gets under the covers with you and wraps an arm around your waist, kissing your forehead tenderly before closing her eyes. "Goodnight."

"What?" you scoff in disbelief. "You can't be serious."

"I could smell the weed the second I got out of my car," she says, making you sink in on yourself. "Don't make this harder on yourself, old friend."

You glare at her. Friend, huh?

Once you're out of the car, she reaches for her handcuffs and nods for you to follow her to her car. You hate how your body responds to her touch when she grabs your wrists. It makes you feel all tingly inside.

"Don't enjoy this too much, Shelly," you mumble, looking behind your shoulder to see her staring at your ass with dark eyes.

"You know," she begins, tugging you into her body by the cuffs. You clench your jaw at how familiar her warmth feels as you're chest-to-back with her. "I could let you go and pretend this never happened. But you'll have to give me something in return."

You turn your head again, feeling her lips graze your cheek as she leans in closer. "And what's that?"

"Let me bend you over my car and fuck you hard," she murmurs, puckering her lips and giving your ear a little kiss that makes goosebumps spread over your body. "You know you want it. I know you miss my touch. I know you miss my dick."

Vanessa presses her hips into yours, and you feel her strap bulge against your asscheek. It makes your brain melt, and that's all it takes for you to nod at her request.

"Fine," you grumble, trying to act like you aren't eager to take her strap again after so long. Excitement bubbles in your stomach when she pushes you over the hood of her car, but that irritation comes back at her next words.

"You never could resist me. You were obsessed."

You grunt at her. "Don't act like you weren't chasing after me, too. You'd skip practices to come and make out with me." Your lips part in a silent gasp when her strap rubs against your hole, and you press your cheek harder into the hood of her car. You hear her spit, and you imagine her rubbing it all over her strap to lube it up. You hear her spit again, but this time you don't have to imagine. You feel her wetting your pussy with the spit on her fingers, clenching your fists at how much you've missed this. Missed her touch. And her stupid fucking pretty face.

Vanessa appreciates how your body remembers her touch, gets all smug at how responsive you still are after all these years. When she slowly slides her fingers in, she groans quietly at how tight you are.

"You have a girlfriend?" she asks while gripping the flesh of your ass with her other hand. "Or have you been waiting for me?"

You don't have to look back to imagine the grin on her face. It pisses you off.

"No," you mumble, cheeks heating up.

"To both," you add quickly. You don't want her thinking no one was good enough for you but her.

Vanessa hums and removes her fingers. You bite your lip to keep a sigh from coming out, but a whiny cry spills out instead when her strap enters you. All of you. In one go. Your eyes go cross, and your body tingles from being filled up.

"Figures. You were never really good at picking up girls who weren't me." Before you can make a snarky comment about how she was the exact same, she pulls out of you and slams back inside roughly. You go limp against her car, lips touching the hood as you moan at how rough she's being.

She's gripping your sides like she doesn't care about the bruises you're sure to get, like she wants you to see her marks on you after this. She's fucking you wildly, like you're just a fleshlight for her to use and discard.

All the words flying out of her mouth are insults thrown at you.

"You were never as good as me." Vanessa pants, watching your ass jiggle as she pounds into your tight hole.

"I fucking hate you," she moans, bending down and tugging your earlobe between her teeth. "You always got in my way and ruined everything. I only gave you my attention because I pitied your sorry ass. You're nothing without me. You were nothing before me. And you'll be nothing after this."

You can't even reply to what she's saying because she shuts you up with her strap, making sure your words die out in your throat while thrusting deep inside. And if that doesn't work, she slaps her hand over your mouth, stuffing a few fingers inside of it.

She fucks you until your cum is drooling down the ground. She unlocks the handcuffs and tells you to pull your pants back up while she stuffs her strap back inside her jeans, yells at you when you take a few moments to catch your breath. You get up and throw her a dirty look as you bend down to pick up your pants, your legs all wobbly from being bent over for so long. Plus her strap.

Vanessa hitches her chin toward your car. "Go. Before I change my mind."