a ☆

“Aren’t you at least a little bit embarrassed?” you tease, already starting to brew the coffee beans. It has been almost a year since he bought it – following your suggestion – and he never even cared to learn how to use it. Not that he needed to, really. You were always there to do it for him.

He pressed his lips together in a mocking reflective expression, just to shrug his shoulders “Not really, no.” you just chuckle as the two of you move in sync to finish preparing breakfast.

Just as the eggs were ready, his phone rang all the way to his bedroom. As an old man who still hadn’t created the urge to be glued to his phone 24/7, you took over the bacon pan as he faded into the hallway to pick up.

You were so focused on your task you didn’t realize he was taking too long. It wasn’t until you filled both of your plates and mugs that you noticed he didn’t come back. Your first reaction was too tense, to go after him and check what was wrong, but soon after you heard his laugh, loud and strong, making its way towards you. So, no emergencies.

Sensing it was probably Sean, your boyfriend’s brother, or maybe Rossi with a gossip – something you learnt after you started dating Hotch: the two older men at the BAU were gossipers. Penelope Garcia level gossiper – you stayed back, giving them privacy to chat. Ignoring all the etiquette lessons you had, you started eating alone. At least one of you should enjoy the warm food.

Just when you took the last bite you heard him stepping back into the kitchen, a ghost of a smile still present on his face “Hey, you chatty” you teased. He chuckled, sitting beside you on the stoll and drinking a sip of coffee “Who was it?” your curiosity got the best of you, even though you knew he was going to tell you either way.

“Beth!”

Oh.

“Oh”

“Yeah.” he agrees, taking a bite of the toast, completely oblivious to the gut wrenching feeling taking over your senses “She called me to say she’s coming back. From Hong Kong.”

Oh (but harder).

“That’s… good?”

“It’s great! She got to transfer back for a promotion, with a higher salary and getting to be close to her family.” he explains, sounding way too pleased with himself.

“She rocks.” you cringe immediately, not knowing what the hell you meant by that.

“Right?” fortunately – or not, that’s up to the eye of the beholder – he remained completely clueless to your awkwardness. “Jack’s going to lose it when he hears it.” he said, chuckling to himself.

You hate how hearing this makes you twice as jealous.

“Y’think Jack remembers her?” you wonder, pretending to be unbothered as you wash your dishes in a way to distract yourself. He stays silent for a second, and you hope he’s not picking up on your selfish rotting for the worse.

“He does. Last time she face-timed me, Jack took over half the call.” he says, his voice suddenly closer to you. He takes the dishes from your hand, gently pushing you to the side “That’s on me.” he points kindly, taking over the dishes. You step away, hoping he didn’t feel the sound of your heart breaking.

They face-time each other? Is Jack a part of this? By the way he said it, it seems like a frequent occurrence. Where were you all those times? How could you miss that?

Is this cheating? Objectively speaking, if it was cheating he probably wouldn’t be so blunt about it. And he’s probably the most loyal person you know.

So why does it feel like cheating? Why do you feel betrayed? Why do you feel so jealous?

Trying to take a hold of the situation, you fight to appear normal, trying your best to hide your anxiousness and all of self-doubt, at least while you figure your feelings out. Otherwise you’d probably end up locked in a mental asylum.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It turned out the mental asylum would probably be a nicer place to be than your own head right now.

As the day passed by, you started to notice how excited Aaron was for Beth’s arrival. If you missed their calls before, you definitely weren’t now. Every other day you stumbled on him somewhere in the house, his phone balanced between his shoulder and his ear while he finished a task.

When it wasn’t the calls, it was the texting. He would send her pictures about things she liked and places she missed. She would always send a picture of everything that was different over there, ask silly questions about the job or about Jack. 

And Jack was a whole other problem. Not a problem, actually. But his obvious adoration towards the woman made you bitter. You found yourself losing your appetite more often than not every time Jack asked about her in the middle of dinner or lunch. Which was a horror on its own, but it was even worse because every time he did it, soon after the meal ended Hotch would call her to tell her about it.

You felt like an outsider.

The worst part was that it wasn’t even their fault. Everytime you walked by him, he asked you to join the call, pulling you to sit with him and chat with the woman on the other side of the screen. She would ask about you, about your likes and dislikes. She would joke about Hotch, about his sleep myoclonus, about his ability to fall asleep in the first few minutes of a movie.  You laughed with her, making fun of his antic habits as if sharing that with her didn’t feel like a knife in your gut. 

When she finally came back, it was, somehow, worse.

Hotch insisted that you’d tag along on their catching ups, you hang with them as she went out with the team. You had playdates with her and Jack.

It was now safe to say: you hated Beth. And you were completely obsessed with her.

You watched the way she spoke, the way she dressed. How she smiled, how she laughed. The exact color of her lipstick, her haircut. 

When her nails were perfectly made. She was so elegant. You started doing your nails weekly.

Next time you saw her, her nails were chipped and two of them were broken. She was so carefree. You cancelled your membership at the nail salon.

One would think Beth was a frequent character in Hotch's life. She really wasn’t. With all the cases, Jack and his relationship with you, he barely had time to actually hang out with Beth. But there was no point, and the damage was made.

Ever since he took that call, she made her way into your head, building her own little house with a balcony and a white fence. Even if she wasn’t around, your mind made sure to think about her. You hated hearing her name, but you secretly hoped it would come up in the middle of the conversation.

When his phone rang, you braced yourself, preparing for that gut wrenching pain you were oh, so familiar with. 9 out of 10 times, it wasn’t her. But 1 out of ten times, it was. And when you hear him calling her name, smiling easily at the speaker like she was seeing him, you felt your world fall apart, and what a comforting sensation that was.

You had no idea how you could crave someone as much as you craved her.

You wanted her gone.

The thought came to you out of nowhere, in the middle of the night. You were sleeping on his bed – almost yours by now – and his body involuntarily jerked. And there it was: another sleepless night. You were reminded of her, and now you were cursed to spend the rest of the evening wondering if she slept on the same side of the bed you were in, on how she would react. Would she laugh? Would she wake him? Would she pretend she didn’t see it?

It was maddening. It had to stop.

It wasn’t going to stop. You had to get out of this.

When the thought came, it stayed. You haven’t thought about it before, but you knew it. It had to be done. There was no way you would survive this. There was no way you could compete with this, with her. They understood each other to a degree you could never. They were the same age, and had the same references. They were both divorced, they had experiences you still haven’t had. You hated being outside of their inside jokes, even if said jokes were whatever was fashion in the 70’s.

Truth to be told, you wouldn’t even be with him if she hadn’t moved out of the country. And now she was back, reclaiming her old apartment, her athletic habits and his heart.

You weren’t dumb. You could see he loved you. But he loved her too. And you wouldn’t settle for half. Even if it killed you inside.

Besides being younger than Aaron – and Beth – you were very mature. Mature enough to understand that you shouldn’t make a big deal out of this. You knew, usually, the right thing to do was to talk about your feelings. To explain where you were coming from and make changes in order to keep the relationship alive.

But how could you go to the man you loved and beg him to not fall back in love with his ex? What exactly do you want to achieve by talking to him about it? He wasn’t doing anything wrong, you know that much. He would probably just stop talking to her ‘if it meant not making you insecure’, but you know very well how that would turn out. You didn’t want it to end with a fight, and you didn’t want to feel like you had to put up a fight to keep the man you love. You didn’t deserve that, and neither did him.

So, piece by piece, you started to make your way out of Aaron’s life.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

You usually spent the majority of your time in his place. And you started to change that, slowly starting to spend more time in your rented apartment than in his. Piece by piece, you started to move back your clothes. First a blouse, then a pajama. Evolving to your dresses, shoes, and your products.

It was going by unnoticed, until after you moved almost all the products on your side of his bathroom’s cabinet. A wednesday morning, while getting ready to work, you opened it to find everything back where they belonged.

You stayed there, shocked for a few seconds, your heart racing. The toothbrush inside your mouth is frozen, the minty foam starting to burn your gums. Aaron stepped on the bathroom behind you, fixing his cufflinks and looking at you through the mirror.

“Oh, I saw you ran out of them.” he explained, casually pointing at the new stack of products, completely unaware of your mind short circuiting “You didn’t restock, but I remembered them from last time. I had to go to the drugstore anyway.” he shrugged, reaching for his cologne and stepping out like he didn’t just shatter your whole world.

Later, when your tears smudged your mascara, you just said you choked with the mouthwash.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

After a while, you’d spent so much time on your own place that Aaron started to miss you. Not only that, he questioned it. One specific morning, you were in the shared kitchen in the BAU mixing a bowl of yogurt with cereals and fruits when you felt a pair of large hands clinging to your hips. Yelping in surprise, you turned to face your boyfriend.

“Hey, you scared me.” you chuckled, picking up the bowl to put something between the two of you.

“I miss you.” he said, simply. He wasn’t whining, or complaining, or even trying to talk you out of your devious plan – not that he knew about it. He was just stating a fact, as clear as the day, the same way and tone he announced a profile or call a meeting.

Not knowing what to answer without breaking into tears, you stuffed a spoon full of greek yogurt, granola and strawberries into your mouth. While you did it, you mumbled something he couldn’t comprehend. Figuring you said you missed him too, he just moved on, leaning over your head to reach for the cabinet.

“Can I take you out for dinner tonight?” he asked, grabbing the freshly made coffee and filing his mug “It’s been a while since we left the house.”

You swoon at him, taking a deep breath before answering “It has. But I have plans.” you grimaced “Girls night.” you explained, chewing on the granola for longer than needed.

Aaron stopped for a second, his steaming mug already halfway to his lips. “Oh.” He wasn’t the kind of boyfriend to be in the way of your life, but he usually was aware of your plans. Not in a controlling way, but by knowing you, talking to you. And he was just realizing how it felt not knowing. He hated it. Not being a man to give up, he quickly came up with another idea “I can make you that BLT you like while you get ready.” not seeing you immediately jump with joy – as you usually do when BLT is mentioned – he suggested “Or we can stop at McDonalds drive-thru when I pick you up later.” 

Your heart did a backflip and shattered in a thousand pieces with the sight of his puppy eyes, expectantly looking at you.

“Oh that sounds lovely. But the bar we’re heading it’s the one across the street from my building. We’re walking there.” you explain, placing a hand on his chest gently, fixing the lapels of his suit. He looked down at your hands, fighting the urge to pull you by his arms and lock you in there. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but his gut knew something didn’t sit right.

“Text me when you get there. And when you get home.” he says, more a statement than a request. Your safety was not negotiable. You nodded, stepping closer to him and giving him a quick peck on the side of his jaw.

“I promise!” and you meant it, winking at him as you move to leave the kitchen.

Just as you step outside the perimeter, you almost bump into Rossi, who’s just standing there with his hands buried in his pockets and his eyebrow raised so high it was almost blending his hairline. Not ready to handle his piercing gaze – knowing you’d crumble at the first couple minutes –, you just nodded and gave him one of your best polite smiles, speeding your pace all the way to your desk.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

After you knocked twice on the office door, you stared at the words “David Rossi” engraved on the metal platter in its center as you waited for him to open.

When he did, you were surprised to see his office drowned in low light coming from the lamp on his desk and the moonlight peeking through the widow.

“You wanted to see me?” it meant as a statement: he did ask to see you. At first, you were sure it had something to do with the case you were consulting, the topic you and him were talking about during dinner. What confused you was that the setting looked anything but professional, if the expensive bourbon bottle and the two glasses sitting on the table wasn’t enough of a tell.

“Yes. Come in.” he said, waiting for you to walk into the office to close the door. You stood awkwardly in the middle of the room, waiting for him to take the lead. Unaware – or, most probably, choosing to ignore – your startled state, he slowly made his way to the couch on the back of the room, filling up both glasses before sitting comfortably.

Taking one of the glasses, you sat beside him, pressing your lips together and trying not to bounce your leg to ease the tension.

“How was girls night?” Rossi asks, raising his glass to his lips. He didn’t even look at you as he waited for your answer, his tone almost mocking you.

Having absolutely no idea what he was going with this, you decided to play along “It was fun.”

He nodded “I see.” You took a sip of your drink, trying to keep your posture. It didn’t work. As soon as the burning liquid settled in your stomach, you turned to face him. Terrible idea.

“Dave, what’s going on? What is this?”

“You know,” he started, completely ignoring your question “People may think about profiling as a criminal study. They think we have to learn about psychopaths, stressors, geography, and criminal patterns. That it’s about getting in the mind of crazy people and figuring them out.”

“And it isn’t?” you blinked, drowned by his speech.

“Oh, definitely. But it’s not just that. It’s about studying people. Feelings, motivations. Learning, understanding their behaviour and using it to figure out their intentions.”

And that’s when it hit you: he knew.

“We have an unspoken policy in the BAU: not profiling each other.” he began, turning his body to face you.

“So why are you profiling me?” you asked, voice edging and uneasy, desperately trying to stop him from putting into words. He ignored it.

“You’re breaking up with him.” Not a question, not a suggestion, and definitely not a doubt. “I know what this is about. Who this is about.” your chewed on your bottom lip, deciding on what to say.

“Please, don’t try to talk me out of it.” you beg, hating how weak your own voice sounds. He took another long and lazy sip, and you watched as the liquid clinged to his lips, the wet reflecting the low light of the lamp.

“I won’t.” he stared at you, his eyes squinting slightly “I’m here to encourage you.”

You frowned, your eyebrows pinching together “What?”

“Yes. You really should break up with him. You know, if you’re in such an unbearable relationship.” You roll your eyes, tilting your head back.

“Stop.”

“No, seriously. Do you think he’s what? Cheating on you with Beth?”

“What? That’s not what this is about. I know he’s not cheating.” you defend yourself, cringing at the topic of the discussion.

“Then what is it?”

“I’m just…” your eyes burn with tears harder than the liquid on your throat when you down the rest of the bourbon before continuing “I’m not her.”

“You sure? Under this specific light I could’ve swore…”

“Dave!” you whine, and he chuckles.

“Yes, you’re not Beth.” you grimace at her name, not bothering to hide your feelings anymore “Why are you saying this as a bad thing?”

“Because it is. She’s back now and…” you feel a tear striking down your cheek as you gesticulate “She just fits. She gets him.”

“And you don’t?”

You sigh “You must think I sound really stupid.”

“Oh, you sound absolutely ridiculous.” you look at him, looking at a smirk on his face. Before you realize it, you’re laughing as well, but in a weak and depressed way “Love does this to us. Make us blind to the obvious. Clouds our judgement and turns us into…” he gesticulates towards you. You roll your eyes, but you’re not crying anymore “I have three divorces, so you’d think I know one thing or two about failed relationships. And let me tell you: yours isn’t one of them.”

“You’re just saying this because you’re his best friend.”

“I’m saying this because I love you.” he stated bluntly, and you widened your eyes in surprise, not expecting this. “And it'll kill me to see you do something I know you’ll regret later.” he leaned closer, looking at you with a paternal love that made you uneasy “Hotch loves you, kid. Don’t try to assume things. Let him know.”

“It’s hard.”

“I know it is. It has to be, don’t you think?” he smiles, the wrinkle on the corner of his eyes enhancing his passion towards the subject “Or else is not worth it. But talk to him. You know him more than I do, but I’m pretty sure you’re seeing things out of a place of hurt, probably past experiences.” he nod his head in a knowing gesture “From what I see, you’re out of your mind if you think that Hotch would ever consider living his life away from you.”

You only notice the tear streaming down your cheeks like a waterfall when his fingers gently wipe them away.

“Sorry.” you mumble, and he shakes his head.

“Listen, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t. It’ll be fine too. You’ll be fine. But just don’t let it all go to waste before at least giving him a chance.”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

It got to a point where you had to stop for a second to wipe the sweat out of your eyelids to see. By the time you reached your – Aaron’s – front door, your heartbeat had lowered to a normal rhythm and your skin was now cold rather than wet. You spent almost the entire night awake, tossing and turning on the bed. The night went so late it was almost morning, so you figured it made more sense to just get up and do something other than to lay in the dark with nothing but your loud and torturous mind.

Running, these past few weeks, were your loyal ally to your early mornings. That specific day, you just got back from an over two hour long run, finally feeling your limbs hurting more than your heart. As you walked in, you were surprised to find Aaron pacing around the living room, something crumpled up on one of his fist, a piece of paper in the other.

When he looked at you, his face was everything but stoic: he looked panicked, tortured, confused and, overall, hurting. “We need to talk” he said, quietly. If you listened closely, you could hear the way his voice wobbled in the middle of the sentence, like he didn’t actually want to talk. Like he wanted you to just be confused, and just ask what he meant by that, and that you weren’t being distant, he was just paranoid. Anything that could prove, beyond reasonable doubt, that you weren’t, in fact, leaving.

Despite all his silent wishes you just nodded, making your way to the couch “Yeah, we do.”

Hoping the sound of his heart shattering wasn't loud enough for you to hear, he made his way to the couch in front of you, distant enough for him to think clearly – as much as possible, under the circumstances. For a minute you just stared at each other, the weight of everything unsaid so heavy it could suffocate.

You glanced down at his hands, still not managing to understand what he was holding so tight on his fist. On the other hand, you could finally see what it was. Before you left the house that morning, already planning on staying out for long, you wrote him a note with the steps to use the coffee pot.

“Before we start,” he began, his voice hoarse. He clears his throat before continuing “I already know. So there’s no need to lie.” you gulp, shifting in your seat. You never lied to him before, but it was fair of him to point it  out. You weren’t being exactly honest. And even though you knew what he was talking about, it still surprised you when he finally said it out loud “When exactly you were planning on breaking up with me?”

Your breath hitched, panic rushing through your veins. It didn’t matter that you still weren't sure about what to do, there was no point in lying. Not anymore. It hurt you to think about it, but actually admitting to him was a whole other level of pain.

“I don’t know.” you answer weakly.

He blinks. And then chuckles.

When he dips his head down, you stare at him confused. The only thing you catch is the way his head shakes slightly, his fists flexing but never letting go of your note and the other white soft – looks fluffy? Is it a stress relief ball? – thing. Aaron tilts his head up and his eyes are full of tears. They are shiny and reddish, and you want nothing more than to make it all go away.

“Hotch,” you try, because just watching him crumble in front of you is not an option.

“Jesus! Stop calling me that.” he spat, frowning.

“Your name?”

“That’s not my name. Not to you. Not in here.” he adverts, the pain muffling the anger in his tone.

You chew on your bottom lip, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall from your eyes. Sniffing as quietly as possible, you look at him “Do you think this is easy for me?”

“It must be!” he says, barely containing himself, “You’re doing it all behind my back, vanishing from my life little by little, until all I have left is an empty drawer with nothing but this shirt and a coffee pot I don't know how to use.” and you finally understand what he was holding on so tightly. It’s a plain silky pajama shirt. It’s the only piece of clothing because it’s matching short you – he – ended up tearing it in half on the first night you wore it.

“I left you instructions.” you point to the paper in his other hand.

“I don’t want to learn.” he looks disgusted at the paper, like it personally offended him “I’m not learning how to use it.” he emphasizes.

You try again “It’s not that hard.”

“I won’t.” 

That discussion was pointless, anyway. It is something to cling onto while avoiding the main issue. Sighing deeply in order to avoid crying, you change the subject “Listen, it’s nothing with you. It’s me.” you snort at that, because it’s that old cheesy and shitty excuse. But it’s the truth. “I’m just…” it’s all you manage to say before the tears blur your vision and you have to dip your head down to try and wipe them away.

His voice filled your ears, making you glance up to face him again. “I noticed that you weren’t being yourself, but I figured you’d tell me. It was something from work, or your family. I didn’t think it was this. It was us.” his voice weakens, and he has to gulp before continuing “Aren’t you happy anymore?” 

“I… there’s a lot going on.”  you feel your nose burning, and you stop caring if he sees the tears streaming down your face.

“Tell me what I did.” his demeanor changes, and he doesn’t look sad and confused anymore. He sounds energetic, urgent, demanding and begging all together “Tell me where I got it wrong, i can change it. I’ll do it right. I’ll do it better.”

Hearing this, combined with the raw desperation on his voice, so opposite from his usual calm and steady behavior, only makes you cry harder, and you don’t even try to wipe them away.

“You did nothing wrong. Nothing. I don’t want you to change. I just…” a strangled hiccup interrupted your speech, and you feel ridiculous, weak, dramatic and lonely. You want this to end, but also you want this to have never happened. “I shouldn’t feel this way in a relationship.”

He nodded, thinking. When Aaron speaks again, his voice is much calmer. Resignated, even. “So that’s it, then? You have your mind made up? Nothing I say will change it.” and it’s not a question anymore.

“I’m doing this for you, I want nothing more than what’s best for you.”

“Bullshit.”  he snapped, his words startling you “Why are you doing this? Is it the job? You said it’s not me. Is it Jack? Is this life too much for you? The responsibility of…”

“What? Of course not!” your heart aches thinking about it. It hurts that he thinks this, but you have no one but yourself to blame “I love Jack. I love our… this life.” 

He stays silent for a second, as if analyzing your explanation — or lack thereof. “Is it someone else?” you stop, and blinks. This is it. You won’t lie straight to his face. He stiffens, and it doesn’t need another word from you to understand. “Who is him?”

“Him?” you frown in the middle of your tears, so confused you stopped crying. “What do you mean?” 

“You said there was someone else.” he squinted his eyes at you.

“I didn’t, you did.” 

“You didn’t deny it. Who is he?” he insisted, his jaw tensed.

“Who do you think I am?” you asked, actually aggravated at his accusations “I would  never…” 

“Who is he?” he interrupts you, his eyes burning holes in your head.

“There's no he. It’s Beth.” 

Hotch’s jaw is immediately unlocked at that, the anger and betrayal completely subsided by complete shock and confusion. “What? You and… Beth?”

“Huh?” you were the one left in confusion now. How did he get to that conclusion? For a second, you didn’t feel the excruciating pain and humiliation from admitting your feelings to him “No. You and Beth.”

“What do I have to do with this?” he asks, his confusion turning to aggravation once again “You don’t like our friendship? That’s why you're breaking up with me?”

Now, said excruciating pain and humiliation were back on its full force. You ignored the lump on your throat, taking a deep breath and explaining the situation in the most sober and objective way possible. “I realized you and her fit more together than me and you, and…” your voice faltered as you saw his outrageous expression “...the two of you only broke up because she moved away. You’re all happy that she’s coming back. I just figured…”

“What?” he interrupted, his voice sharp and edgy “That i’d break up with you to be with her?” asking like it was a ridiculous thought. You stayed silent, because that was exactly what you thought. He huffed an incredulous laugh through his nose “Jesus. Did I ever give you a reason to question me? Or my loyalty?” he accused, his voice showing more worry than anger.

“No. Actually I don't know if you’d break up with me. That’s why I saved you the trouble.” you shrugged, trying not to show how much it hurt you to say it.

“Jesus fucking christ.” he muttered, pintching the bridge of his noise “Are you even hearing yourself?”

“Stop talking like I'm insane.” you snapped, losing your patience “You’re the one making phone calls, facetiming and going on dates with your ex girlfriend. I saw you when the two of you broke up. I was there. You were in pain. How am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to handle this? How am I supposed to compete with this? Explain to me, Aaron. Because I have no fucking clue.”

The moment you stopped speaking, you realized you were almost yelling. It was the first time you let out your anger, your hurt. All the time you kept saying you were doing the best: for Aaron, for Jack, for Beth… Not once you stopped to think how much it sucked to be you, to deal with all of that. Yes, you could’ve talked to him sooner. But you shouldn’t have felt like that. No one should. 

When you asked him to explain, to tell you what to do, it wasn’t a fight. It wasn’t sass. You were actually asking, begging for him, for someone, to tell you how to feel. It didn’t make sense, none of this made sense to you. It was too overwhelming, and you just wanted it to be gone. You wanted to disappear.

You noticed too late you were crying, fully sobbing now, with one hand clutched to your chest, as if you tried to rip your heart out, and the other resting against your throat, trying to soothe the pain from talking so loud. You didn’t see how his expression softened, his anger melting into pure sorrow. He couldn’t believe he did that to you, that he, of all people, made you feel this way.

A few minutes had passed when he finally made a move. He got up from his couch and crossed the room, sitting right by your side. His knees were pressed against your thighs, his eyes filled with tears. His body and his soul were completely in surrender to yours. 

“I’m sorry,” he said, simply. “I should’ve seen it before. I shouldn't have acted like this. Or at least, talked to you about it. I’m not trying to make any excuses for the way I acted, but I need to explain.” he cleared, his eyes scanning your face every 10 seconds, trying to find any hint of chance in your stance “The thought of someone other than you, in a romantic way, is so out of my reality that I didn’t even considered her a ‘threat’. Not that she, or anyone, is a threat. But I really didn’t see the situation as something that could’ve hurt you. And that was my first mistake.”

“She knows you in a way that I can’t.”

“You know me in a way no one can.” he argued “You were my subordinate, then my work colleague, my friend. Now you’re my best friend and my family. You’re the woman I love.” he gulped, flinching at his own words and feeling the hot streak of a lonely tear falling from his eye. The one he couldn’t hold back. “I don’t want you going back to being less than that.”

Your posture didn’t show any kind of surrender. But he didn’t see resistance either, and when you turned to face him, he noticed that you didn’t keep arguing and just waited to listen. Taking it as a good (the best yet) sign, he pressed further.

“There’s nothing going on between me and Beth. She happened to be the first friend I’ve had outside of the job for a long time, that’s all. I don’t know if it will help to hear this,” he tried, hesitantly “...but her leaving wasn’t the only reason why we broke up.” seeing your questioning expression, he kept going “We came to the realization we worked better as friends anyway, and it was just a matter of time for us to end things. The moving just happened first.” he shrugged.

You opened your mouth to speak, but he anticipated your argument “Yes, I did suffer. It was a change in scenario, how could I not? But as I said, we knew it was happening. So what it hurt the most was actually Jack. I felt like the worst parent from giving another sort of mother figure just to take it away from his life. Again.”

Before you could think properly, your hand reached out to his, squeezing in a silent reassurance. He always doubted his parental skills, and you were always making sure to remind him how amazing he was. Even now, with your heart broken and your relationship hanging by a thread, you still found a way to comfort him. 

How could he lose something like this? Someone like this? How could he let you go? How could he make you feel that way? He had to press his lips together in a thin line to keep them from trembling, and to hold back the force of his grip when he squeezed your hand back, making sure he wasn’t hurting you as he not so subtly tried to hold on to you. To keep you from leaving.

“Honey,” he started, not even caring about his voice cracking. He couldn’t wait any longer, or lose any more chances. This was it. “I love you so much. I know this isn’t ideal, and I hate myself for ever making you feel this way. If not being with me will make you happier, then…” he gulped “...I’ll let you go. But if this situation is the only reason, please, don’t go. Please, give me a chance to show you how you’re the only one I want.”

You feel your tears running freely from your face, and you choke up a sob before speaking, your voice so weak it was barely hearable “I feel really immature.”

He laughs, but it doesn’t sound like he’s making fun of you. It sounds like he’s gone completely mad, like your admission was the water bottle after two days in the desert. It gave him hope.

“No.” he denied firmly, not letting go of your hand even for a second “Now that I think about it, if the tables were turned, I might’ve murdered your ex.” he whispered like a secret. It was so unexpected and so out of character of him that you laughed, surprising both you and him. He smiled from ear to ear at the sound of it. “I’m really sorry, I should’ve been more careful with the situation.”

“I should’ve just talked to you instead of jumping to conclusions.” you smiled apologetically. He ignores your attempt, looking deep into your eyes and calling your name with such a raw expectation that if you weren’t already seated, you would’ve fell.

“Did you change your mind?” you hesitate for a second, and he sees right through you “Tell me you have. I know you want to, I can feel it.” His voice is quiet, his words so soft spoken it feels like a spell. Only you know that you do want to be with him, now that is all cleared. “Please, give me a chance to make things right.”

You chew on your bottom lip as your eyes fill with tears again “I feel stupid.” you admit, and he wants nothing more than to cry his eyes out.

“Don’t say that ever again.” he leans in hesitantly, and when you don’t flinch or pull back, he wipes the tears from your face with the pad of his thumb. The other hand is still holding yours firmly “You were protecting yourself, as you should’ve. Thank you.”

“What for?” you snort between tears, not understanding what he could possibly be thankful for in this situation.

“Thank you for protecting and taking such good care of someone I love so much. Especially when I was too damn blind to see that she needed it.”

After that, there was no point of dragging this any further: you were completely and undeniably his.

He didn’t see it coming, his body jerking in surprise when you literally jumped to his lap, hugging him tightly and burying your face on his neck, sobbing and muttering apologies on repeat. His lips were glued to the crown of your head, kissing you repeatedly. His hands were all over you, touching from your feet to the strands of your hair, as if his body needed to feel you there, to make sure you were with him, for his mind to completely wrap up around the fact that you weren’t going anywhere.

Ignoring your words, he whispered his own, “Don’t you ever apologize. I should be the one apologizing. I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” and it’s the only moment his lips leave your skin “I’m sorry. I will never make you feel this way. If I ever hurt you like that again, and I won’t, I want you…”

“Don’t say it.” you cut him off. He ignores, once again.

“...to just shoot me in the face. Kill me.”

You chuckle weakly, lifting your head from his chest to face him properly “Dude, you gotta stop with the murder threats.” he arches his eyebrow at you, the corner of his mouth twitching in a smirk.

“Dude? Who do you think you’re talking to?” he asks, and his finger tickles your sides as the stubble on his beard tickles your neck. Your body jerks and twitches on top of his while you laugh loudly, but never moving away from his.

When he finally feels you learned your lessons, his hands rested comfortably around your waist in its rightful place. You sigh, looking at him.

“Promise me that you will always talk to me, and be honest about your feelings. No matter how ugly you think they are.”

“I promise.” you say as you wipe the wet off his face, and it’s just then that he realizes he’d been crying all along “Promise me that if your feelings for me change, you’ll communicate.” he rolls his eyes so hard it feels like they’ll hit the back of his head “Promise.” you insist.

“I promise.” he says, seriously. When you relax, he starts again. “Matter of fact, my feelings just changed.” you squint your eyes at his playful tone “A few minutes ago I wanted to stop by your place to get back the clothes you took. But now, I’ve decided you’ll be spending the rest of the weekend with nothing to wear but that shirt.” he says, leaning – without moving you away from his lap – to grab the piece of fabric he left on the center table.

“I have to get at least underwear.” you argue.

“If you behave, I’ll let you borrow a couple boxers.”

“Jack will see it.”

“He’s a kid. And they’re the exact same size of what you call your casual shorts so I doubt he’ll notice the difference.” he points seriously and you squeal, slapping his chest slightly.

“That’s rude. And humiliating.”

“That’s what you get for stealing.”

Your mouth hangs open for a second “I didn’t steal! I didn’t take anything from your house but my clothes.”

“This house is ours.” he stares at you deeply, waiting for his statement to sink in before continuing “So is everything in it. From the bedroom to the coffee pot and, therefore, your clothes. So, basically, you stole from us.” he shrugged, like he made a perfect point. You just laugh, choosing to accept it.

“I’m sorry for stealing.” he nodded politely and you dive back into his embrace, sighing happily “Can we stay like this forever?” Aaron tight his arms around you, his whole body answering before any words came out.

“I’ll think about it. But before that, we have to eat. You're probably on the verge of dehydration right now.” he points, standing up with you still in his arms, and makes his way toward the kitchen. He settles you in one of the stools and hands you your shirt “Go change while I make us breakfast. Now that I’ve learnt how to use the coffee pot.”

You gasp, widening your eyes in a mock-threat. Jumping out of the stool with your shirt already crumpled on your hands, you stomp your way to where he stands behind the stove, pointing your finger to his chest. “You can cook whatever you want, but don't you dare touch the coffee pot, Aaron Hotchner.”

Aaron does just as you said, beaming while frying the bacon even when you’re upstairs in his shower. Your shower. And both of you know, somehow, you’ll be okay.

Eighty-nine murders at the pig farm. The deaths of Mason and Lucas Turner makes 91 lives snuffed out. Kelly Shane will go home and try to recover, to reconnect with her family, but she'll never be a child again. William Hightower, who gave his leg for his country, gave the rest of himself to avenge his sister's murder. That makes 93 lives forever altered, not counting family and friends in the small town of Sarnia, Ontario, who thought that monsters didn't exist until they learned that they spent their lives with one.

The whole team was dismissed as soon as they arrived at the BAU. Even Hotch needed a break from his office, which was such a rare occurrence that deserved its own round of cheering. Of course, there was none. All eight of you waited together for the elevator, silently.

JJ, Emily, Reid and David discussed their plans. Some would rather relax with their family, some with their friends, some alone. You listened to their voices, but the words seemed blurred, undisguisable under the voices in your head replaying the previous hours.

Garcia nudged your side, snapping you from your thoughts. “Are you sure you don’t want to crash at my place with us?” she asked, her voice soft as Morgan stood behind her, silently helping her slide her jacket up her arms. “We can order pizza and watch silly things…”

You smiled, or at least tried to, at her offer and shook her head. For the first time in hours, you spoke up more than three words “Thank you, though. I just feel like I should be around people who – who weren't there.” you try, glancing subtly at Hotch, who stood behind them listening to the conversation. To show you he did get your point, he just gave a single nod, diverting his eyes again.

Reaching for you, Penelope squeezed your shoulder slightly, giving you her own version of a smile. Apparently, none of you felt like flashing your teeth around. “Whatever you need, hun.”

As the cramped elevator took you down the building, you realized you were right. Maybe, you just needed to get away for the night. Forget about the past days, take your mind off of the 93 victims of that case and all the ‘what if's' that naturally came with it.

After everyone parted ways, you and Aaron were the last ones there. He walked you to your car, his presence silent but comforting. It was soothing, in some way. But not what you needed.

“If you change your mind. Or… anything. Please call me.” His voice is soft but worried. You turn around to face him standing two steps behind you. You pressed your lips together. It wasn’t a smile, but your heart did warm up a little.

Reaching to grab his hand, you gave it a reassuring squeeze “I will.” 

He nodded and watched as you got in the car, standing there until you left. As you watched his and, later, the building’s reflection get smaller on the rearview mirror, you didn’t feel the peace you thought you would. So you just hoped you'd made the right decision.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Way too many drinks later, you realized you absolutely had not made the right decision.

And so did Aaron, since exactly three minutes before midnight, his phone rang loudly though his empty and silent living room. He was far from being asleep, but the sound still caught him off guard.

“Hey,” he answered worriedly, but trying not to sound too startled.

“Aren’t you coming to my farewell party?” you asked, amused and, by the swirl of your tongue, clearly drunk.

“Huh?” it was the only thing he could manage to say, while standing up promptly from the couch and looking for a shirt.

“Oh, yeah. I supposed I didn’t invite you.” You giggled, “Well, I am now.”

“And may I ask where exactly are you going?” he asked, his tone clipped and patient, all while fidgeting with the buttons up his shirt.

“I’m not sure yet…” you sighed loudly, and the smallest of smiles made their way on his face “But I’m leaving the BAU.” that surely did wipe any hint of amusement off his face “I even have my resignation paper with me.”

“You do?” he asked, getting his keys and hurriedly walking out of his apartment.

“Mhmm. It’s right here, on my napkin.”

“That’s… original. Can you tell me where you are?”

“Are you coming?” the tone of your voice changed, immediately lightening up. He promised that the ridiculous flip of his stomach was due to the chill of the night air.

To you, it seemed that only a second after the call ended, Hotch showed up to the bar, hair slightly wet and shirt wrinkled with the buttons undone. The music in the bar might as well be muted, the way everything went silent in your mind at the sight of him.

It took him two steps in to locate you, sitting on one of the barstolls, a half-drunk beer on one of your hands and a neatly folded napkin on the other.

“Aaron!” you waved, smiling up at him. He tried to smile back, but the wrinkle on his forehead told you exactly just how worried he was.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, his eyes scanning your whole face. After his analysis, he turned to the barman behind you, mouthing for some water.

“Just… wonderful.” you said, smiling exaggeratingly. Smiling so hard your eyes started to water. And then that happened, your mouth started to quiver. And soon after, you were shaking. Aaron didn’t waste a second before wrapping his arms around you, nesting your face close to his chest.

He walked you out, his arms never leaving your side, and made sure you drank enough water. As soon as you got into his car, he only rolled the windows down and turned to face you, hinting he wasn’t going to start driving anytime soon.

“Did it help?” he asked quietly, not exactly trying to nudge you to admit you were wrong, but just encouraging you to start speaking. Somehow, it worked.

“I don’t think I can be around them.” You confided. “I really thought that this is what I needed, but I can even find it in me to be around those people and not be — aggravated. How can they not know?”

Aaron blinked, his voice just above a whisper “They?”

“Us. How could we not know, Aaron?” and there it was. The thing that was sitting on the back of your mind the past few days “89 people. 89.” You blinked, not even realizing the tears streaming down your eyes. For a while, you just stayed there, side by side. “Have you tried counting to 89? This is what I’ve been doing the whole night. It takes longer than a minute. You need nine people's hands – both of them – to count the number of victims. And a whole other person if you count the Turners.” and then, like something snapped inside you, you turned to Hotch “I can’t do this.”

He breathed, blinking at you “What?”

“I can’t keep doing this. I think I— I don’t belong in the BAU.” you muttered, voice shaking just as much as your fingers.

He gulped. “Why not?”

You chuckled, exasperated “Why would I? I just can’t go on with my life knowing what I know. How am I supposed to go to sleep knowing that there are more of them out there? And we won’t even know about it before it’s too late. If — If we even get as far as knowing it.”

“So you want out. And you think that, by doing so, all those thoughts will go away?” he asks. It’s not ironic, not rude. His eyes are kind, disarming. His tone is nothing but soft, soothing even. Understanding your feelings, while encouraging you to think it further.

You don’t answer, he doesn’t need you to.

“How do you do it?” you mutter, after a moment. It’s meant to sound like a question, but it ends up sounding like a beg. Like you’re desperately seeking an alternative, a secret magic trick that will make you strong enough to face this.

Hotch blinks twice, slowly, before answering “I don’t— you don’t get over it, you get through. Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what's happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, everything exactly right, and still you feel like you failed.” As he speaks, his eyes are on the window, staring at nothing in particular. And then you realize, he needed this just as much as you. “Did it need to end that way? Could something have been done to prevent the tragedy in the first place?”

You frowned, not exactly disappointed at the answer as you expected to be. For some sick reason, you find nothing but comfort in his answer.

Is it possible to find something such as comfort in someone else’s hurt? Is it terrible? Is this more proof that you’re not fitting for the job?

He turns back to you “It’s painful not being able to control everything. But just so you know, having the powers of calling the shots isn’t less terrifying.” your heart breaks a little as you see the hurt in his expression. Just then you realize how terrible it must be for him to carry that weight. “I worry about you. The team. How many more times will they be able to look into the abyss, how many times before they won't ever recover the pieces of themselves that this job takes?”

Again, you stay in silence. Somewhere in your dizzy mind, you wonder if this is it. If you reached that limit yet. Something tells you no.

“How terrible it is that I feel a little better now that I know you’re miserable too?” you confess, sniffing.

For the first time that night, he smiles. Breathing a laugh, he reaches over to clasp your hand between his. “Not terrible.” he brought your wrist to level with his face, letting his lips rest for a second over your pulse.

“I just wish I could be less affected by those things.” you confessed, your voice just above a whisper.

He looked up to face you, with those kind brown eyes that could make you melt on the spot “I don’t. This hurts you feel for the victims… The fear of letting it happen again… This is what makes you so good at your job. And I wouldn’t change it.”

For the first time since you’ve been called on that case, your heart is filled with more than grief and anguish. He was right. The anger you felt for those who had their lives ruined was still there. The horror, the panic of what you’ve seen were strong as ever. Yet… it only made you want to grow, to change. To work your hardest to change that scenario.

From the moment the dream of being in the BAU first made its way to your heart, you knew it wasn’t going to be easy. The reality was a bit harsher than you anticipated, but you weren’t ready to back out just yet. Sometimes you walk back home with a sense of gratification, proud of getting the job done. Sometimes, the day just… ends.

This was one of them. It wasn’t the first, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be the last. But you were just getting started.

Later, while driving back home, Aaron asked if you still wanted to be alone. 

This time, you said no.

Eighty-nine murders at the pig farm. The deaths of Mason and Lucas Turner makes 91 lives snuffed out. Kelly Shane will go home and try to recover, to reconnect with her family, but she'll never be a child again. William Hightower, who gave his leg for his country, gave the rest of himself to avenge his sister's murder. That makes 93 lives forever altered, not counting family and friends in the small town of Sarnia, Ontario, who thought that monsters didn't exist until they learned that they spent their lives with one.

The whole team was dismissed as soon as they arrived at the BAU. Even Hotch needed a break from his office, which was such a rare occurrence that deserved its own round of cheering. Of course, there was none. All eight of you waited together for the elevator, silently.

JJ, Emily, Reid and David discussed their plans. Some would rather relax with their family, some with their friends, some alone. You listened to their voices, but the words seemed blurred, undisguisable under the voices in your head replaying the previous hours.

Garcia nudged your side, snapping you from your thoughts. “Are you sure you don’t want to crash at my place with us?” she asked, her voice soft as Morgan stood behind her, silently helping her slide her jacket up her arms. “We can order pizza and watch silly things…”

You smiled, or at least tried to, at her offer and shook her head. For the first time in hours, you spoke up more than three words “Thank you, though. I just feel like I should be around people who – who weren't there.” you try, glancing subtly at Hotch, who stood behind them listening to the conversation. To show you he did get your point, he just gave a single nod, diverting his eyes again.

Reaching for you, Penelope squeezed your shoulder slightly, giving you her own version of a smile. Apparently, none of you felt like flashing your teeth around. “Whatever you need, hun.”

As the cramped elevator took you down the building, you realized you were right. Maybe, you just needed to get away for the night. Forget about the past days, take your mind off of the 93 victims of that case and all the ‘what if's' that naturally came with it.

After everyone parted ways, you and Aaron were the last ones there. He walked you to your car, his presence silent but comforting. It was soothing, in some way. But not what you needed.

“If you change your mind. Or… anything. Please call me.” His voice is soft but worried. You turn around to face him standing two steps behind you. You pressed your lips together. It wasn’t a smile, but your heart did warm up a little.

Reaching to grab his hand, you gave it a reassuring squeeze “I will.” 

He nodded and watched as you got in the car, standing there until you left. As you watched his and, later, the building’s reflection get smaller on the rearview mirror, you didn’t feel the peace you thought you would. So you just hoped you'd made the right decision.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Way too many drinks later, you realized you absolutely had not made the right decision.

And so did Aaron, since exactly three minutes before midnight, his phone rang loudly though his empty and silent living room. He was far from being asleep, but the sound still caught him off guard.

“Hey,” he answered worriedly, but trying not to sound too startled.

“Aren’t you coming to my farewell party?” you asked, amused and, by the swirl of your tongue, clearly drunk.

“Huh?” it was the only thing he could manage to say, while standing up promptly from the couch and looking for a shirt.

“Oh, yeah. I supposed I didn’t invite you.” You giggled, “Well, I am now.”

“And may I ask where exactly are you going?” he asked, his tone clipped and patient, all while fidgeting with the buttons up his shirt.

“I’m not sure yet…” you sighed loudly, and the smallest of smiles made their way on his face “But I’m leaving the BAU.” that surely did wipe any hint of amusement off his face “I even have my resignation paper with me.”

“You do?” he asked, getting his keys and hurriedly walking out of his apartment.

“Mhmm. It’s right here, on my napkin.”

“That’s… original. Can you tell me where you are?”

“Are you coming?” the tone of your voice changed, immediately lightening up. He promised that the ridiculous flip of his stomach was due to the chill of the night air.

To you, it seemed that only a second after the call ended, Hotch showed up to the bar, hair slightly wet and shirt wrinkled with the buttons undone. The music in the bar might as well be muted, the way everything went silent in your mind at the sight of him.

It took him two steps in to locate you, sitting on one of the barstolls, a half-drunk beer on one of your hands and a neatly folded napkin on the other.

“Aaron!” you waved, smiling up at him. He tried to smile back, but the wrinkle on his forehead told you exactly just how worried he was.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, his eyes scanning your whole face. After his analysis, he turned to the barman behind you, mouthing for some water.

“Just… wonderful.” you said, smiling exaggeratingly. Smiling so hard your eyes started to water. And then that happened, your mouth started to quiver. And soon after, you were shaking. Aaron didn’t waste a second before wrapping his arms around you, nesting your face close to his chest.

He walked you out, his arms never leaving your side, and made sure you drank enough water. As soon as you got into his car, he only rolled the windows down and turned to face you, hinting he wasn’t going to start driving anytime soon.

“Did it help?” he asked quietly, not exactly trying to nudge you to admit you were wrong, but just encouraging you to start speaking. Somehow, it worked.

“I don’t think I can be around them.” You confided. “I really thought that this is what I needed, but I can even find it in me to be around those people and not be — aggravated. How can they not know?”

Aaron blinked, his voice just above a whisper “They?”

“Us. How could we not know, Aaron?” and there it was. The thing that was sitting on the back of your mind the past few days “89 people. 89.” You blinked, not even realizing the tears streaming down your eyes. For a while, you just stayed there, side by side. “Have you tried counting to 89? This is what I’ve been doing the whole night. It takes longer than a minute. You need nine people's hands – both of them – to count the number of victims. And a whole other person if you count the Turners.” and then, like something snapped inside you, you turned to Hotch “I can’t do this.”

He breathed, blinking at you “What?”

“I can’t keep doing this. I think I— I don’t belong in the BAU.” you muttered, voice shaking just as much as your fingers.

He gulped. “Why not?”

You chuckled, exasperated “Why would I? I just can’t go on with my life knowing what I know. How am I supposed to go to sleep knowing that there are more of them out there? And we won’t even know about it before it’s too late. If — If we even get as far as knowing it.”

“So you want out. And you think that, by doing so, all those thoughts will go away?” he asks. It’s not ironic, not rude. His eyes are kind, disarming. His tone is nothing but soft, soothing even. Understanding your feelings, while encouraging you to think it further.

You don’t answer, he doesn’t need you to.

“How do you do it?” you mutter, after a moment. It’s meant to sound like a question, but it ends up sounding like a beg. Like you’re desperately seeking an alternative, a secret magic trick that will make you strong enough to face this.

Hotch blinks twice, slowly, before answering “I don’t— you don’t get over it, you get through. Sometimes there are no words, no clever quotes to neatly sum up what's happened that day. Sometimes you do everything right, everything exactly right, and still you feel like you failed.” As he speaks, his eyes are on the window, staring at nothing in particular. And then you realize, he needed this just as much as you. “Did it need to end that way? Could something have been done to prevent the tragedy in the first place?”

You frowned, not exactly disappointed at the answer as you expected to be. For some sick reason, you find nothing but comfort in his answer.

Is it possible to find something such as comfort in someone else’s hurt? Is it terrible? Is this more proof that you’re not fitting for the job?

He turns back to you “It’s painful not being able to control everything. But just so you know, having the powers of calling the shots isn’t less terrifying.” your heart breaks a little as you see the hurt in his expression. Just then you realize how terrible it must be for him to carry that weight. “I worry about you. The team. How many more times will they be able to look into the abyss, how many times before they won't ever recover the pieces of themselves that this job takes?”

Again, you stay in silence. Somewhere in your dizzy mind, you wonder if this is it. If you reached that limit yet. Something tells you no.

“How terrible it is that I feel a little better now that I know you’re miserable too?” you confess, sniffing.

For the first time that night, he smiles. Breathing a laugh, he reaches over to clasp your hand between his. “Not terrible.” he brought your wrist to level with his face, letting his lips rest for a second over your pulse.

“I just wish I could be less affected by those things.” you confessed, your voice just above a whisper.

He looked up to face you, with those kind brown eyes that could make you melt on the spot “I don’t. This hurts you feel for the victims… The fear of letting it happen again… This is what makes you so good at your job. And I wouldn’t change it.”

For the first time since you’ve been called on that case, your heart is filled with more than grief and anguish. He was right. The anger you felt for those who had their lives ruined was still there. The horror, the panic of what you’ve seen were strong as ever. Yet… it only made you want to grow, to change. To work your hardest to change that scenario.

From the moment the dream of being in the BAU first made its way to your heart, you knew it wasn’t going to be easy. The reality was a bit harsher than you anticipated, but you weren’t ready to back out just yet. Sometimes you walk back home with a sense of gratification, proud of getting the job done. Sometimes, the day just… ends.

This was one of them. It wasn’t the first, and it sure as hell wasn’t going to be the last. But you were just getting started.

Later, while driving back home, Aaron asked if you still wanted to be alone. 

This time, you said no.