Michael Kaiser headcanons— suggestive // smut
tw: completely canon
—Michael’s dick is so small, you can’t even feel it when he fucks you
—If you’re german, you can imagine how awful his dirty talk is. But if you’re foreign, it may be even worse; his german accent is thick
—He’s cheating on you all the time
—His dick is really disgusting, wrinkly and full of smegma
—You fight all the time and then he insults you in german, calling you a ‘schlampe’, ‘hure’ and ‘arschloch’.
—When you send him nudes, he shows them to everyone else, just to expose you
—He uses laugh emojis, especially the “🤣”
—He has a thick Berlin accent
—He once said “Isagi” when you had sex and then tried to gaslight you into thinking he said your name
—He never does aftercare, he only cleans himself up and then plays brawl stars
—He likes soft cakes and Erfrischungsstäbchen
—He wants you to call him “Emperor”, “Kaiser” and “My Majesty” in bed
—He has no clue where the clit is and once thought you have to bite into it to make you cum. He bit so hard, you went to the hospital
—Your contact name in his phone is “Bitch #12”
—He once fucked you, while still having the fluids of some other girl on his dick and gave you a yeast infection
—He never ate pussy, he refuses to and thinks his dick is enough to make you cum
—His balls look like two small walnuts
—When you’re in missionary, his long ass hair falls into your mouth and you regularly choke on it. It tastes like cheap dye and 5in1 shampoo
—He washes his hair, butt, balls (not dick), armpits and dishes with the same cloth
—His mom saw his disgusting baby face and left because of his ugliness
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a/n: English isn’t my first language, criticism is welcomed but please be nice. Likes, comments and reblogs are highly appreciated. Do not steal or copy my work, nor feed it to ai.
n: I actually really like people who use “🤣” and “😂”, I think it’s cute, but not with Kaiser.
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