Good Evening

Hello, dear listeners, and happy holidays!

At long last, we’re pleased to present our coverage of “The Three Dreams of Mr. Findlater.” Although it might not be exactly holiday-themed, it does involve John Williams and Isobel Elsom reprising their roles of unhappily married couple from “Back to Christmas,” and that surely counts as a little festive? It’s a stretch, but no more of a stretch than some of Al’s burns. BURN. In any case, thank you again for your patience as we’ve worked to get this episode out!

We also announce on this episode that, due to currently jam-packed schedules, we will be taking an indefinite hiatus as we move into 2023. We will miss sharing new episodes with you, and we cannot tell you how grateful we are for your ongoing listenership, suggestions, and support. Some of you have been tuning in since we began this humble ‘cast five years ago, and we so appreciate you. It’s been a joy sharing our niche love of AHP with you, and we hope that sometime in the future, we’ll be able to return to your podcast feed. For now, we’re sending all our gratitude and wishing you the happiest new year!

And now for the ol’ episode description:

Ernest Findlater is an upper crust gentleman with a simple desire: he wishes to be whisked away to an island paradise where he can be doted on by a loving young woman named Lalage—a far cry from his actual stuffy reality and acrimonious marriage. For a time, Ernest’s desires are confined only to his daydreams, but when he finds a gun in an abandoned car, another dream begins to take shape: a dream of murder most foul. With the help of his imaginary girlfriend Lalage, Ernest begins to painstakingly plot both his wife’s demise and his own airtight alibi. But could it be that all of Ernest’s scheming is in vain?

When former nurses aide Barbara meets war correspondent Ted on a flight out of Nairobi, the two strike up a conversation about the courtroom drama surrounding a man, Sasha Ismael, called “Sasha the Terrible” in the press. Ted reveals his involvement in the case, including his growing belief that Sasha took the fall for a man named Arthur Hill. Ted, who claims to have been searching for Arthur ever since Sasha’s execution, runs into trouble when he kills Sasha’s father in what he claims to be self-defense. Barbara listens attentively to Ted’s story. But could there be more behind Barbara’s calm demeanor and constant supply of Ted’s favorite cigarettes? 

In this year’s Halloween special, Annie & Kathryn discuss a classic Ray Bradbury adaptation from the Alfred Hitchcock Hour. When Charlie Hill visits a local carnival, he becomes entranced by the mysterious contents of a jar on display. Convinced that owning such a wonder will earn him respect in his rural community, Charlie purchases the jar and sets up regular viewings in his home. There, townsfolk speculate on the meaning of the jar—each with a tragic, poignant, or eerie observation to make. But Charlie’s wife Thedy Sue is unamused by the goings-on. Thedy and her lover formulate a plan to humiliate Charlie, but is Thedy underestimating Charlie’s profound attachment to the jar? And will the nightly viewings turn into a genuine horror show?

John Crane has it made. He lives rent-free in a gorgeous apartment, dines on the dishes of a private chef, and enjoys the affection of one very special woman: his mother. But everything changes when John takes a trip to Vermont and falls in love with a self-reliant immigrant named Lottie. After a whirlwind romance, John proposes to Lottie, but when Claire, his mother, shows up on the scene, there’s immediate tension between the women. Eventually, Lottie suggests that she and John take Claire away to their favorite waterfall spot, where they can privately tell Claire about their engagement. John, convinced that Lottie wants him to push his mother off the waterfall cliffside, works himself into a frenzy . . . with surprising results. 

George Tiffany lives a pleasant, quiet life with his wife Louise, running a well-regarded taxidermy shop and cuddling up in his favorite armchair in the upstairs apartment. But all of that changes when Louise’s little brother, Waldren, shows up. It’s one thing when moocher Waldren claims George’s chair as his own and insists on keeping the house stuffy to suit his mysterious, lingering illness. It’s another when Waldren’s demanding behavior runs Louise’s health into the ground, leading to her hospitalization. When George attempts to send Waldren on his way, Waldren won’t take a hint . . . or even a hearty push. But could it be that George’s current project—a taxidermied horse doubling as a time capsule—could hold the morbid key to his predicament? 

When cheapskate producer Hal, unscrupulous director Morty, and rudderless screenwriter Freddie join forces on their next B movie, they hatch a plan to resurrect the Greatest Monster of Them All: old 30s horror legend Ernst Von Croft. Von Croft is committed—perhaps a little too committed—to his comeback role. Freddie is happy just to have a job. Hal’s eager to make a quick buck. And Morty has a “comedic” film trick up his sleeve that no one expects. But after Von Croft is devastated by a humiliating screening, will he end up having the last laugh? Or . . . will we?

Burn-o-Meter: 8.5 Overall Rating: 2.5 B movie comebacks

TOP FIVE EPISODES SO FAR:

ANNIE Conversation Over a Corpse The Motive You Got to Have Luck Lamb to the Slaughter There Was An Old Woman

Judy, lover of bubble baths, has one simple goal: she wants to live a small, comfortable life while safely saving away her late husband’s insurance policy money. Of course, a heated bathroom would be nice . . . but Judy prefers to keep her savings safe—even if her new husband Steve has other ideas. Then, Judy is informed that her late husband bought a winning ticket in the Irish Sweepstakes that’s worth $1.4 million in today’s money. The only catch? She doesn’t know where the ticket is—until she realizes that the ticket is six feet under, buried in her husband’s best suit. Judy decides to exhume her husband’s body against Steve’s wishes, but could she be unearthing a terrible secret, as well?

Claude and Margo have a blissful relationship. They’re even picking out fabric swatches for their home together. There’s only one issue: Claude’s rich wife, Clara. When Clara confides in Margo that she might divorce Claude on suspicion of unfaithfulness—thereby ruining Claude’s career and financial prospects—Margo and Claude decide that the only solution is to murder Clara . . . and fast. When Margo loses her faith in Claude’s ability to get the job done, she takes matters into her own hands. But in this twisted tale of rose petal tea and golf clubs, an ironic twist is just around the bend. Or just outside Clara’s front door, as the case may be. 

Young Jimmy Dolan is on the cusp of PR greatness . . . according to Jimmy. When older Hollywood star Betsy Blake—otherwise known as Madame Mystery—dies in a speedboat accident just days after wrapping a new film, it spells potential disaster for the film’s box office reception. But the ever-resourceful and free-from-scruples Jimmy has devised a plan to give Betsy the ol’ Rudolph Valentino treatment. To that end, he convinces his talented writer friend Steve to help him with the campaign. Jimmy’s plan, including his well-planted rumors that Betsy might still be alive, seems to be going off without a hitch. But could this PR scheme be closer to the truth than Jimmy thinks? And just how well does Jimmy know Madame Mystery?

When newlywed Irv loses a week’s worth of wages after gambling with an uncharitable boss, he frets over explaining the loss to his pregnant wife, Frances. Inspired by a chance encounter with a local cop, Irv fakes a mugging as a cover story for the lost money. But then Frances presses Irv to report the mugging and, even worse, a sixteen-year-old kid is brought in for the crime. Will a guilt-stricken Irv end up telling the truth to the police? Or could there be a twist ending waiting in the dark alley around the corner? 

Irene Cole is considered by all around her to be a mousy, ordinary housewife who is—gasp!—over the age thirty. Her wealth, however, is anything but ordinary, and that’s what keeps her rubbing shoulders with the wealthy elite of Palm Beach. There, on winter vacation, she receives the unexpected attention of a race car-driving prince, who—to the shock and wonder of all around Irene—appears to fall head over heels in love with her. And when the prince cannot convince Irene to leave her loveless marriage, he threatens suicide. Could there be more than meets the eye to this star-crossed romance? Or is it, truly, just a royal snooze fest?

When Courtney Masterson and Peg Valence are caught unawares by a Zodiac Killer-esque assailant, they manage to turn the tables and lock the man in Courtney’s trunk. But the couple is then left with a dilemma: if they turn in the Lovers' Lane killer, word will get out that Courtney was out necking with . . . his mistress, not his wife. What follows for Courtney is a great debate between two unsavory options: be blackmailed by the assailant or . . . turn the gun on him. And when Courtney ultimately makes his decision, he’s in for an ironic twist.

When young man Dane sees a watchmaker named Klemm about a repair, he meets Klemm’s enchanting granddaughter, Lisa. Young loves soon ensues, but the domineering Klemm refuses to give his blessing to the proposed marriage. When Dane leaves town and Lisa falls gravely ill, the ever more controlling Klemm becomes obsessed with finding a “cure” for his granddaughter. In the end, when Dane returns to town, he discovers that Lisa seems to be alive and well . . . but with a shocking change of heart.  

When one of babysitter Lottie Slocum’s clients—a separated wife named Mrs. Nash—winds up murdered, all eyes turn to Lottie for answers. As she fields questions from a police sergeant, the women’s club, and her nosy friend Blanche alike, Lottie grows more concerned about her safety . . . and her figure. Lottie is determined to protect the good name of Mr. Nash, but could it be that her former employer is not the knight in shining armor that she’s imagined him to be?

After receiving a blow during a freak accident on the city streets, a young man comes to a shocking realization: he can’t remember who he is. Over drinks with a stranger, he attempts to piece together his identity using two items he finds in his pocket: a thousand dollar bill and the name and address of a local doctor. When the young man visits the doctor, he receives a diagnosis of amnesia, but he’s no closer to solving his problem . . . until sudden recall results in a shocking—and unintentionally comical?—twist.

When mild-mannered traveling salesman Leon Gorwald is caught jaywalking in a small town, he’s promptly locked up by a power-tripping cop—without his one phone call or the chance to promptly speak with a judge. But soon, what’s only a big inconvenience turns into a life-or-death scenario when a man is jailed next to Gorwald for the brutal murder of a local girl . . . and the citizens of the town are out for blood. Will Gorwald survive a terribly timed case of mistaken identity? And could it be that there’s more to this mousy haberdashery salesman than meets the eye?

When four members of a fraternal lodge purchase a plot of land, intending to convert it into a cemetery, they run into one small hiccup: No one wishes to be their first customer. One of the brothers proposes a solution: Why not offer a weekly allowance to a lodge member who’s at death’s door, in return for his promise to be interred in their very own Elysium Park? Soon, however, what once seemed like good business sense turns into a major headache. The trouble is this: Mr. Weems simply won’t fulfill his duty to the lodge and . . . well, die.

Burn-o-Meter: N/A Overall Rating: 5.75 vacant burial plots

TOP FIVE EPISODES SO FAR:

ANNIE Conversation Over a Corpse The Motive You Got to Have Luck Lamb to the Slaughter There Was An Old Woman