injured crow

i just want more of you

when we’re chilling in my house

i just want more of you

when we’re both on your couch

it started like four months ago

acted all clueless at first

your hand behind my ear

your voice all deep and clear

god i don’t know…

i thought that it was just a silly thing

“i’m just lonely” that must be it

but you’re filling up my senses

and i can’t call bullshit

i just want more of you

is that too much to ask?

i just want more of you

i’m desperate for your laugh

put my feelings on the back burner

i’d “address it some other day”

but then you got affectionate

and i didn’t know what to say

i thought it was just a silly thing

“you’re just drunk” and that was it

but i realise that i wanted you

and i can’t call bullshit

i just want more of you

the touch from that night

i just want more of you

why did it feel so right?

your words are in my head

each moment just replays

i am stuck on wanting

however as a typically dominant trans man, i’ve found some of my softest forms of masculinity within being dominant and it’s really important to me. i view masculinity and dominance as being a protector in a lot of ways. like i truly do just want to physically take care of others.

it’s a skill that i’m still learning a lot about (i owe so much to butches btw, butches i love you) and i’m aware i mess up at times. my relationship with masculinity has always been love/hate bc i’ve had to fight so hard for it to be taken seriously.

but i want to note that one of my favourite bits of anything intimate are the before and after.

both foreplay and aftercare are not discussed anywhere near enough during sexual health and it’s something i’m incredibly passionate about. (i owe a lot to sexual health educators for my knowledge on it).

to be upfront, i’ve only had one sexual partner and it was a couple of years ago now. there’s a lot i would do differently if i could go back in time but in the same breath, he taught me so much and i’ll forever be grateful for him (even if part of me is upset with him for dying).

anywho back to original tangent, i always tried to prioritise making sure he used the bathroom and had something to eat and we cuddled after sex. it was such a new world for me opening up and it was wild. like it made me realise how much i enjoy looking after people i love romantically/sexually.

also, that guy taught me how much i love giving praise and seeing someone’s reaction to said praise. yes i’m that basic bitch with a praise kink (preferring to be the giver edition).

me and this guy (who for anonymity sake i’ll call diego) got really pissed together back in december and he got really touchy with me. like REALLY affectionate. dude was stroking me all over??? he kept really like running his hands through my hair and like massaging my head practically????

now i’d only been hanging out with diego as a friend properly for about two months at this point and had no idea what this meant. never spoke to him about it really aside from little jokes because i figured he’d forgotten and it probably meant nothing to him. but what if it didn’t?

like what if he just wouldn’t have the confidence sober? i’ve also never made him think i’m an option for anything romantic/sexual because tbh by the time i realised my feelings properly, they were far too intense. like i really struggle with the inbetween.

i realise i don’t want to be fucked over but we have so much in common and it just feels like he gets me. like i don’t ever have to bullshit with him. like i don’t ever want to bullshit him.

at the same time, i feel guilty. i feel like i’m lying to him and putting on an act. it’s not like i’ve not been flirty but he’s made it clear that unless someone is explicit about it, he can never tell if someone likes him.

is it worth telling him? if so, how do people tell someone they like them in a not intense way? like how have you been told about someone’s feelings in a way that felt low expectations?

i feel mostly hopeful about this situation but also so overwhelmed. he’s such a decent guy and wants solid friends around him. i just wish we could be more. i wish i could get over my past shit and just take a leap. maybe i should write a letter? is that crazy?? it’s so tempting.

literally have such an intense crush on a guy right now and it’s reminded me that i do in fact experience romantic and sexual attraction but it’s rather rare for me. he makes me feel safe in a way i haven’t for a long time and man i’m just in love with his smile.

oh and i once sort of jokingly told him to get on his knees and he immediately obeyed me and i fully can’t stop thinking about it. picture that scene from heated rivalry where ilya tells shane to get on his knees and then looks pleasantly shocked that shane listens so well.

but it’s fine bc i am currently being a bit of a silly coward that’s got a fear of commitment so i doubt anything will happen. if it does that would be great but i’ve never felt this scared abt a crush rejecting me before! and we have such a solid friendship too.

i find it hilarious how i reinstalled this app to make some weird deep post abt how touching yourself can feel like meditation and pure self love sometimes but ended up being a sappy romantic idiot instead.

i’ll barely notice the trees, whilst i feel the cool breeze and my gaze will wander from the skies right into your eyes

before we even know it, you’ll see day become night before we even know it, everything will feel right