berri

that is so cool

imma write you smt, any specifics chef?

but i do have a couple thoughts about them bc they’re my oc and all,

spider gotham is actually just a high school drop out who was just exploring around a underground tunnel, (similar to miles’ bite scene)

they get bitten and fall sick for about a day before the spider bite genetically alters their dna,

they also start writing down the side affects and come to a conclusion that they just need soup and some sleep,

maybe they got jumped one night (i mean it’s gotham we’re talking abt) and they accidentally kill a guy,

maybe one of the vigilantes were patrolling the area, and they saw it go down,

and then the vigilante just picks them up and takes them to bruce (because hello? this person just one shot killed an adult??)

i guess that’s how they get adopted.

i’ll give you more spider-batfam dynamic a little later.

I was thinking about doing a little blurb (Ik I say little but it likely won't be) about the Justice League accidently summoning a demon, and then proceeding to work with Demon! reader. I just figured it would be a fun little concept. I'm still working on it, but here's a teaser-ish

The "no kill" rule is honestly just a suggestion to demon! reader, and the League still has to keep them around because they're a valuable ally, and the villains are getting worse day by day.

what if they’re genuinely fed up with all the crime and are sorta pissed about being bitten,

and once they genuinely start patrolling, they’re just webbing everyone up, and asking them why they were committing crimes,

maybe if there’s like a group of thugs they web whoever’s ‘talking out of line’

months later they present the fact-based pie chart to a random interviewer,

i’m thinking

“so what’s that in your pocket?”

*wips out a whole bunch of graphs of why people were out doing crimes*

“so i’m just saying, if i don’t see any billionaires giving money to charities, i might find dirt and sue”

WAIT THIS IS SO FUNNY. Going off your idea, I feel like it would be a little like:

Spider-Person accidentally develops a reputation among Gotham criminals as being worse than Batman for entirely different reasons.

Batman breaks your ribs

But this Spider Person has "crime satisfaction level" surveys

There are grown men in Blackgate who would rather take another concussion than answer "and how did that make you feel?" while suspended thirty feet above the ground in industrial-strength webbing

The first time Batman actually witnesses one of these interrogations, he expects intimidation tactics

But instead it goes down like:

Thug: "What are you doing."

Spider-Person: "Exit survey."

Thug: "Exit what."

Spider-Person: "On a scale from one to ten how satisfied were you with your criminal career."

Thug: "WHAT."

Spider-Person: already writing

"Strong emotional response. Interesting."

like what would their recruitment process look like, i don’t really think they’d let the spider person know everyone’s identities and sorta just keep them under tim or bruce till they don’t look like a baby deer during their patrol

How the batfam would work with/recruit a new! spider person:

A/n: This is just my opinion. Feel free to disagree, It's never that deep.

Bruce would treat the Spider-Person less like a prospective vigilante and more like a biological hazard for the first several months

The thing about Bruce is that he is actually much more cautious with metahumans than fandom sometimes portrays.

When Dick became Robin, Bruce understood what Dick was capable of. Same with Jason, Tim, Damian, and even Cass. They were extraordinarily skilled children, but they were still operating within the limits of human capability.

A Spider-Person is not...

A newly-bitten Spider-Person is arguably worse because they have enormous power with absolutely no frame of reference for it.

Bruce would be deeply concerned by the fact that the kid could accidentally kill someone long before they were worried about whether the kid could survive patrol.

I think a lot of the Batfamily would assume Bruce is being overprotective at first, but then the Spider-Person accidentally tears a sink out of the wall while trying to steady themselves or leaves fingerprints in steel after gripping too hard, and suddenly Bruce's paranoia starts looking very reasonable.

They would almost certainly be kept under Tim's supervision rather than Dick's, which would irritate literally everybody involved

Dick is the obvious emotional choice. He's patient and js generally excellent with younger heroes

That's exactly why Bruce wouldn't choose him.

Dick's greatest weakness has always been that he assumes people can do things because he can do them.

And Bruce knows this

If Dick sees the Spider-Person successfully land a ridiculous aerial maneuver once, he'll immediately start encouraging them to push themselves further.

Tim, meanwhile, has the opposite problem

Tim assumes everyone is seconds away from catastrophic failure because that's how Tim himself experiences life.

A Spider-Person under Tim's supervision would spend months listening to explanations about risk assessment, situational awareness, contingency planning, and mission parameters.

The Spider-Person would be bored out of their skull (Bruce would consider this evidence that the training is working)

Tim would become increasingly frustrated because the Spider-Person keeps bypassing problems he spent years learning to solve.

A lock that would take Tim ten minutes to crack is bypassed because the Spider-Person simply climbs onto the ceiling and enters through a vent.

An ambush Tim carefully predicted is avoided because their spider-sense goes off

I think Tim would develop a very specific kind of resentment where he simultaneously admires their abilities and finds them deeply annoying.

Every training session starts sounding a little like:

"Okay, but if you DIDN'T have superpowers, what would you do?"

And the Spider-Person keeps answering

"But I do have superpowers."

Nobody in the family would be particularly impressed by the strength tbh

The Batfamily has met kryptonians, speedsters, Amazons, Lanterns, shapeshifters, and gods so super strength isn't something...new

The mobility might be!

A Spider-Person's movement is deeply unnatural by Batfamily standards.

Because they're moving in ways that don't make intuitive sense to people who have spent years mastering conventional movement

Cass would probably be fascinated by this almost immediately because so much of her fighting style depends on reading body language. A Spider-Person can attack from angles most fighters never even consider.

Dick would be obsessed with the acrobatics.

Damian would hate the acrobatics.

Jason would pretend not to care about the acrobatics while very obviously caring about the acrobatics.

Bruce would spend weeks reviewing footage trying to understand how the hell they keep changing direction in midair and it would make him rip out his hair

The identity issue would also be ridiculous

the Batfamily's security culture is borderline absurd?

Bruce would likely compartmentalize information heavily at first. The Spider-Person might know Batman's identity due to the circumstances of being taken in, but I doubt they'd immediately get access to the entire family roster.

The problem is tho that the Batfamily is catastrophically bad at keeping secrets from people who live with them.

They're excellent at keeping secrets from enemies

But they've got a track record with roommates and not being able to keep their identities hidden.

The Spider-Person would probably figure out Nightwing's identity accidentally within weeks of knowing him because Dick Grayson has never successfully concealed anything in his life.

The only people who might genuinely maintain operational security are Bruce, Cass, and Alfred. The rest would be a disaster.

I'm also not sure if a spider-person would survive Gotham?

A lot of Spider-Man stories take place in environments where Peter can afford to make mistakes. He gets hurt, he learns, he grows from there.

That's lwk NOT how Gotham works

The Spider-Person archetype tends to be optimistic, empathetic, and people-oriented. Gotham systematically attacks all three traits.

Bruce would probably spend far more time trying to teach emotional resilience than combat

Bruce would insist because he's already watched multiple children learn these lessons the hard way and has absolutely no interest in adding another name to that list even if ALL the Spider-Person wants to do is get out on that feild.

the Spider-Person would probably become the most socially functional member of the family too (Better than Dick, even)

Not bc they're healthier or anything but solely because the bar is in hell

A typical Spider-Person talks constantly and makes friends and allies just as easy

This is witchcraft to the Waynes (well, Waynes in spirit)

Commissioner Gordon would probably end up liking them immediately.

Civilians would esp adore them

I think they'd be the most likeable of the family as well, and I think with due training they could easily be allies with the Justice League

Not wrong at all on this and I see it in the HelPol community too.

I am reading the Hemlock Cup right now and it is also making me think...why is there no politics in Hellenic Polytheism? Socrates would never comprehend living such a life in a constant state of denial of reality.

For me, if you want to be a Hellenic Polytheist, you need to engage with the world around you. Live your beliefs. Stop hiding in your spirituality and ignoring the pain going on around you. You should be taking to the streets and protesting, creating art, loving others.

what if they’re genuinely fed up with all the crime and are sorta pissed about being bitten,

and once they genuinely start patrolling, they’re just webbing everyone up, and asking them why they were committing crimes,

maybe if there’s like a group of thugs they web whoever’s ‘talking out of line’

months later they present the fact-based pie chart to a random interviewer,

i’m thinking

“so what’s that in your pocket?”

*wips out a whole bunch of graphs of why people were out doing crimes*

“so i’m just saying, if i don’t see any billionaires giving money to charities, i might find dirt and sue”

WAIT THIS IS SO FUNNY. Going off your idea, I feel like it would be a little like:

Spider-Person accidentally develops a reputation among Gotham criminals as being worse than Batman for entirely different reasons.

Batman breaks your ribs

But this Spider Person has "crime satisfaction level" surveys

There are grown men in Blackgate who would rather take another concussion than answer "and how did that make you feel?" while suspended thirty feet above the ground in industrial-strength webbing

The first time Batman actually witnesses one of these interrogations, he expects intimidation tactics

But instead it goes down like:

Thug: "What are you doing."

Spider-Person: "Exit survey."

Thug: "Exit what."

Spider-Person: "On a scale from one to ten how satisfied were you with your criminal career."

Thug: "WHAT."

Spider-Person: already writing

"Strong emotional response. Interesting."

The rogues absolutely hate them

Because the Spider person somehow manages to escape every bit of the theatrics. Riddler spends three weeks designing a complex puzzle and Spider-Person solves it by accidentally finding the answer key while looking through public records.

Riddler has never recovered from that.

Joker tries doing his usual monologue and the Spider-person starts taking notes

Joker: "What are you doing?"

Spider-Person: "This is fascinating."

Joker: "What is?"

Spider-Person: "You're the only respondent who selected all fourteen warning signs."

Joker: "What warning signs?"

Spider-Person: "The warning signs. The mental illness ones. Congratulations, you have fourteen."

Joker: "What does that mean???"

Spider-Person: "I'm making a graph later. You're welcome to swing by..haha..see what I did there?"

Tim becomes obsessed with proving Spider-Person's data collection is flawed and ridiculous because he, himself, overcomplicated things.

Tim is furious.

"You cannot just walk around doing sociology."

Spider-Person: "I can and I am."

Gotham's billionaires eventually learn that if Spider-Person approaches them smiling, they're about to go up on a chart somewhere

Every annual report just gets worse

The first one is professional, something like Appendix A

The second one is concerned, something like Gotham's (rather poorly hidden) issue

And by the third they give up and start naming it things like..

"Respectfully, What Are We Doing Here?"

"I Have Explained This Before."

"See Previous Graph."

"For The Love Of God."

If they meet a billionaire genuinely helping people, they move on. Whatever. It's cool.

If they meet a billionaire doing absolutely nothing..congratulations! You're on appendix C. Nobody wants to end up on Appendix C.

Bruce ends up in Appendix C once. It is the most humiliating experience of his life.

Spider-Person titled it "Sir, You Have The Resources."

The Batfamily finds this so funny they never let him forget it. Especially Jason who likes to wait patiently for Bruce to fuck up.

Jason pulled a Regina George and printed copies of Appendix C. He plastered it all over the Manor.

They. Were. Everywhere.

Spider-Person eventually starts recognizing repeat offenders too & this creates a bizarre dynamic

"Kevin."

"Please don't."

"Kevin, we talked about this."

"PLEASE DON'T."

"We literally made a budget together."

Batman, watching from a rooftop: "…did they make a budget together?"

Nightwing: "Apparently."

At one point Spider-Person genuinely helps a low-level criminal find a job. And then another. And another. And it becomes a thing.

Entire sections of Gotham's criminal underworld start viewing them as some weird combination of probation officer, social worker, and cryptid

Nobody knows what category they're supposed to fit into

Ah, the age-old question. Or perhaps the old age question? …Never mind.

If we think ~logically~ the batfamily time line could go a little something like this:

When Bruce is 10, Alfred is 40.

When Bruce is 25, Alfred is 55, Dick is 10, Barbara is 12.

When Bruce is 32, Alfred is 62, Dick is 17, Barbara is 19, and Jason is 12.

When Bruce is 35, Alfred is 65, Dick is 20, Barbara is 22, Jason (technically dead) is 15, and Tim is 13.

When Bruce is 39, Alfred is 69, Dick is 24, Barbara is 26, Jason (now undead) is 19, Stephanie is 17, and Tim is 16.

When Bruce is 40, Alfred is 70, Dick is 25, Barbara is 27, Cassandra is 20-21, Jason is 20, Stephanie is 18, Tim is 17, and Damian is 12.

When Bruce is 42, Alfred is 72, Dick is 27, Barbara is 29, Cassandra is 22-23, Jason is 22, Stephanie is 20, Tim is 19, Duke is 17, and Damian is 14.

Jason Todd = craft beer

Dick Grayson = pina colada

Stephanie Brown = spicy marg

Damian Wayne = lawsuit

Tim Drake = vodka soda

Alfred Pennyworth = 1941 Chateau Latour

Cassandra Cain = would downright refuse to drink. prefers tea

Duke Thomas = dirty shirley

Selina Kyle= espresso martini

Barbara Gordon= rum spiced cider

i have a request for our sweet baby tim and a reader who’s shy but very fucking weird, i’m talkin bones im talkin slashers, anything people will side eye for she adores (she LOVES tim’s stalkin) <3

and just how they work ya know :D

kisses smooches LOVE YA THANK YOU!!!

With A Spooky Little Girl Like You ♥️

A/n: Well now that’s just me you’re describing. Fortunately you will always be reading something filtered through the perspective of someone who has halloween decorations up year round 😌 I’ve been sick all week so I’ve been binging the classics. Halloween, Friday the 13th, Chainsaw Massacre etc. lol this request was nice I get to ramble about things I love. So I’m ngl this is very self-inserty. My opinions are your opinions now. But I have good taste I swear! Just trust me lmao

Tags: GN despite the song lyric title, sfw, we have normal fic we have bullet points we have text messages, this is a multi-media fic 😂 but it’s not very long

Tim meets you in the big fancy Gotham Public Library. He was looking through records on the microfiche. You were just sitting nearby to read but incredibly curious about the fact that someone was actually using the fucking microfiche in year of our lord 2025. So naturally, you gravitated towards him, trying to see what he was doing.

You didn’t try to speak to him, but he caught on to the ghost hovering behind his shoulder. You were cute, and looked genuinely interested in his work, so he took a chance.

“Hi?”

“Oh, uh, sorry,” you started backing away, “was just curious…”

He leaned forward, trying to compensate for the distance you just put between you two, “I could tell you about it, if you want?”

“Yeah,” you took a step back towards him, “that would be cool, uh, if you don’t mind,”

Tim smiled wide, “Cool.”

･ ⟢ ⋮ Free to use, credit not required but appreciated. Reposts/Edits/Recolours/adding to Masterlists or hoards allowed.

Sending love to all you Americans, stay safe and fight back :)