I don't fucking know

I haven't posted to this blog in years I have to write down what has happened since last time - Came out to my entire family and I'm out and it's all good - I met a girl And got engaged and we just broke up a few months ago - had to leave college for a second time

I thought coming out to my mom would be a relief. She always told me she would love me no matter what. Her reaction wasn't bad but it wasn't exactly good. Now I just have more anxiety than before.

I should have kissed her when I had the chance.

This is probably my anxiety talking but I’m so scared, I feel like she’s going to walk out of my life after this. Now that she knows what I’m like.

She makes my tummy flip flop

My family doesn't care if I share anything with them... They don't want to know anything about me. They have no idea about anything that's going on in my life. ... Every time I try to talk about something to my parents and my brother at the same time they all gang up on me.

I dream about you all the time and when I wake up I feel so empty and sad and I miss you so much. I just want to hold you and feel you for real.

I’m afraid she’s going to become one of those girls that I still follow and I don’t check her blog everyday anymore and when I see her URL on my dash, I’ll quickly remember what we almost had and then keep scrolling.

I just want to be able to hold her when she has a bad day, or massage her after a long day of work. I just want to make her happy. She deserves it.

It's been over a week since I broke up with her and I finally don't feel sad about it. I was only sad because I knew how it felt to have someone be all in 100% and then they leave you and you don't see it coming.