slgoldmine's angst machine

i’ve met many new people in my time on earth

this past year or so.

at the gym

in the nightclubs

at work

and they ask me

“oh, are you seeing anyone?”

if i trust them

i tell them about my dates

and yes

i went on

a few

hoping a few would turn into 

a You.

the way You scrunch up Your nose when You laugh.

the way You care for the community around You.

the way You dress

the respect we have for each other when we talk.

i want to dive head first into Your ocean.

learn Your ebbs and Your flows

the changing of tides and the crashing of waves

upon the beach, where my toes are stuck under the sand

for You live an ocean away.

at the moment. Your time in my orbit is fleeting

as You figure out Your future

and where the coastal winds will move You next.

we walk in the shadow of the rose bowl

the petals our time together

the thorns the uncertainty of our future.

for if i dive in and You leave

to go to a place that might be better suited for your talents

i will be left to drown in a sea of hypothetical riptides

through no fault of Your own

only the way You make me feel.

i bought myself a pair of sneakers for Valentine’s Day,

a buffer should You leave.

perhaps ill look at them every now and again to remind myself 

i am my own valentine 

at the end of the day.

but if You wanted me to

i'd fly to You

until every alaska airlines plane You see in the sky 

reminds You of me.

and if You wanted me to 

i'd sail to You

through the panama canal.

and if You wanted me to

i probably wouldn't drive.

unless You were in the passenger seat with me coming home

for if You were to sail away from me

and head home

then i am content to be Your lighthouse,

standing by Your ocean

sending you all the light i can 

i can’t tell you to dim your light

then go lie on the couch and be anxious

about what i can’t control.

i can’t dim my own to light your lamp

and my mine can’t be dimmed by what someone might think of me

or what the voices in my head convince me i know about myself.

my light stays on.

the warm glow of my laptop

keeping me awake.

more time to worry about nothing.

yet not enough hours in the day,

to accomplish all i wish to complete.

so i flip pennies into the void

trying to reach an itch i’ll never be able to scratch

if i was not too scared of what ifs 

all the best cases and dream worlds we'd create together 

if my mind could deviate from the darkest days

we could go on hikes

and hold hands

eat hamburgers from stands 

on the street 

we could see the world together

people-watch and project our stories onto them

we could lie next to each other and feel peace

our arms each other's safety

but these are all intangibles 

the same ones that hold my feet to the ground

like cement as i wish they would let me fly

to take the leap together and not worry where we land

but today i stay trapped

letting my mind wander into quicksand

all the roads love’s lead me down

have brought me right back to you

and i think that’s a sign.

through all the ups and downs

that being a young man in the city must endure

the one constant

has been you.

whenever i have the luxury of spending time with you

as you emerge from the law school library 

checking all the baggage that brings at my doorstep

i feel peace.

you’re smart.

you lead with your head

an anchor that keeps me in place

rather than holding me beneath the surface.

as we sit in a hot tub

and i pretend to like IPA’s

you say you have a hard time believing my compliments

and i have a hard time believing 

you think you are not.

you often doubt the places you have put yourself in

through hard work, dedication, skills at your craft

the same brain that got you where you are today.

sometimes, i’ll kiss you in the morning before we go to work.

as a feeling of stability rushes through my veins

a wind beneath my sails that carries me through my day.

i wonder if you feel the same.

i wonder when the next time is

that ill be given this sensation again.

the truth is, i don’t know.

it’d be foolish to try to anticipate.

ideally, it’d be more often.

i don't know when the roads we walk will lead us together again,

but i do know

that all the roads love’s lead me down

have brought me right back to you

you have the same features as every woman that has ever brought me peace.

eyes that are brown like the soil of this earth

the soil from which flowers grow.

hair that resembles the roots

that tie you to our shared motherland.

an attitude that keeps me safe with a double edged sword should i step out of line.

i want to appreciate you.

i want to learn the swerves of your hips

the breaks in your heart

the cracks in your facade that you feel the need to cover with foundation.

i want to be in your rolls of disposable film

i want to dance with you to music from 10 years ago

i’d wear cowboy boots and pretend i’d get your references

i’d fix my posture to impress your father

but you

are hours and miles and states away

so you stay

relegated to the rose tinted lenses of my mind

where we live happily together 

a dream to retreat to

you’ve 

sucked in and pushed up you’ve 

pinched your stomach you’ve

starved yourself you’ve

stood up so fast you’ve had to sit down for days you’ve 

had IV’s in your arm and tubes up your nose you’ve

injected needles into your forehead you’ve

worn shirts that were too big to hide yourself you’ve

posed and filtered a different version of yourself to the world you’ve

hid yourself behind impenetrable walls you’ve

told yourself you’re ugly so many times you’ve started to believe it you’ve

asked me a thousand times if i think you look alright you’ve 

never realized that every single time 

i’ve thought you looked perfect

she lies down next to you

and reads the words i wrote for her

a million miles away

then she puts the paper down

to go back to whatever reality you two share

and with it goes the image i had of her left on the pages

letters forming words

i do my best to douse the flames of my heart

my fires of desire 

whenever i look at you

ashamed at allowing myself to feel

that if i let the flame inside my chest burn for too long, it will ignite the rest of my home

and i will burn to the ground, having nothing left

you are my image of perfection 

so familiar and yet

so far away

i always say “if only you were here

this would be you by my side”

letting myself daydream and

imagining a reality so far from reality

that i convince myself could be true

that one day you

would just magically appear by my side

when in reality we are separated by physical, international

and language barriers

what would i tell the immigration agents ?

after i take a plane and then another plane and then a bus to get to your heaven

would i tell them

i think i’ve met the woman of my dreams on an app

an app meant for our visual cultures to satiate themselves 

on photos of the same unattainable that i myself am trying to attain

would your father scoff at me

for reading the words his daughter wrote me

and falling in love

he would think i’m a sucker

a desperate american grasping at breadcrumbs

at selfies and videos not even meant for me

and all the boys in your orbit

would scoff at my hubris

for attempting to simply waltz in 

and try to make everything easy.

when it’s not, and never will be.

asking who i think i am

to only be able to afford a long weekend

and thinking that you

could just drop everything

and for those moments in time

be the people that we pretend to be for each other

or what if we reveal the parts of ourselves that we hate?

if we lift the veil of distance and technology

revealing monsters beneath the surface

then it all goes for nothing

a flash in the pan

a mirage

perhaps we will always be two ships passing in the night

never meant to meet

relegated to what if’s and could be’s

a cycle of talking about how great it would be

then never talking at all

the truth is that that you and i can only be together when i close my eyes 

when i allow myself to daydream

as my mind wanders out of my skull

perhaps i’m only ever meant to imagine what your skin feels like

perhaps i’ll only ever imagine how it feels to make you laugh

as you take my hand and lead me through the places 

so close and yet so far to me

we’ll go into shops and you’ll speak their language 

and say “he’s only lost in his own mind,

this fantasy we are speaking in right now will never sustain itself past this page”

and i’ll nod and smile politely

but i’ll keep writing

until one of the dreams in here comes true

and i’ll never have to write about maybe’s and what if’s again

or i just burn out and forget about you

until the what if’s become remember when’s and could have been’s

as something else grabs my focus and leads me away from you and my daydreams

as we make ourselves busy with someone else

it's the things that sound the worst that i miss the most about you

foggy eyeglasses and spilt beers

the damp walks on a frozen patio

from the boiling hot tub to the mattress that barely fit two humans

garlic fries in gale force winds

lighting cigarettes on gas burners

having you take all my sheets with you as you woke up in the morning

or waiting at the doctor’s to get an MRI that never came

 i enjoyed it all

because of you

 perhaps i never showed it

i might have never even told you 

 but i appreciated every car ride you gave me

so i didn’t have to walk .6 miles just to pretend to help you meal prep

how you said it was ok that I thought The Joker was scary

and didn’t judge me bc i couldn’t even sneak a diet coke past the ticket collector

how we took a day trip to milton-freewater at 10am on a wednesday

and ate mexican food

how we explored every grocery store in town

always finding what we didn’t know we were looking for

 how you included me on your journeys

your successes and shortcomings

your fears and frustrations

 as i fought my demons behind closed doors

my hand on the small of your back as i’m 10 million miles away

unable to wrestle my focus from the issues that will work themselves out in time

issues that won’t matter to me the way you mattered to me

 you and your sweaters that are always 2 sizes too big

you and your hydro flask that weighs 800 pounds

the kinks in your hair

and the tired sleepy smiles

everything that makes you you

everything you have struggled for

all the mountains you’ve climbed

all that has been taken from you

and all you’ve rebuilt

you might not think they matter.

idk why i’m scared to write about you.

perhaps i’m scared to walk down the roads that inevitably lead us apart

where we spoke different languages,

and could no longer see each other with rose tinted lenses.

maybe i’m scared i might turn into the werewolf you saw me as when the clock strikes midnight,

as i retrace my steps and try to figure out what went wrong

while the wind of all our former friends blow through the trees as i scour the forest floor 

trying to find the catalyst of where we went astray

which would be oh so convenient. if only there was a tangible object to cast my blame upon.

a fork in the road where we went our separate ways.

a black cat crossing our paths.

a letter with all the words on it that i was never able to say to you.

a photograph of your smile, 

a smile that i could not procure of my own volition for longer than i would like to admit.

there is no way to quantify the distance between us right now,

to the point where i question if our relationship ever happened in the first place.

as if the past two years were a mirage

a fever dream followed by a rude awakening.

but for now the wind blows through the emptiness 

of the house we could not make into a home together.

the absent side of my bed 

a few less candles and pictures on the walls.

i never did find what you are looking for

when i was on that same forest floor

trying to figure out what went wrong

but i hope you find it!

no matter where that takes you.

i hope you are able to find your sanctuary,

and the peace i was no longer able to provide for you.

i hope our songs no longer carry the same sentimental value when you hear them

one day, and you are able to encounter my interests in the wild

and not have to think of me. until your memory of us

goes from a story to a chapter to a paragraph to a few words

that you look fondly on from time to time

as you exist in a better place

away from me.

just know that i’ll be fine.

i’ll be fine. i know i will!

i repeat it to myself until i actually believe it,

and i want to wrap this poem up with a neat little bow and send you on your way

but i can’t.

because that’s not always how this works.

i thought we would end with a neat little bow as well

a cherry on top of our since-melted sundae

but life doesn’t always end up like that, does it?

so i leave you with this:

i hope your mother is well, above everything else.

i hope you are happy and healthy and find whatever you are searching for,

and i know that we could not be the perfect love story we both envisioned all those years ago.

but at the end of the day, we turned into the song “Cool” by Gwen Stefani instead

me and my friend take the metro into downtown

i remark on how above-ground trains give me thrills

and how tinder is like shopping for people

something that i could never condone

neon lights reflect the excitement in our eyes

eyes and ears adjust as we’re patted down and given wristbands

the ambiance inebriates us

because it’s new years and drinks are like 16 bucks apiece

the thought of a “new year’s kiss” is a myth

right? i don’t care if anything happens tonight,

i’m here to dance and have a good time with my friend

and then i saw you

they say everyone looks better in the nightclub lights

which i guess is true

we’re all blind to adrenaline at some point or another

but nobody looks as good as you

the tattoos on your arm

you looked at me and had me in a trance

brown eyes shimmering in the strobe lights

inviting me to dance

we moved in perfect rhythm 

to the drum and the kick and the bass and the snare

two stepping, staying grounded

mentally floating on air

your voice rang out over the subwoofers

about our life trajectories

about what i liked to do, 

about travel, food, and astrology

at 11:11, you told me to make a wish

for good luck for the incoming new year

if i told you what it was

then i’d be cursed until 2020

but when i have my arms around you, i don’t have time to worry about curses

with you i feel like this nightclub is actually a botanical garden

that we’re strolling through leisurely admiring the plants

(with my arms still around you, of course)

with you i’m not concerned about the fact that my belly looks weird and puffy when i stand sideways in the mirror

i don’t care who said what about me or who told who that i was too full of myself

heck, i don’t even think about how scared i was just to approach you and say hello in the first place

but then you went to the bathroom and i thought to myself

i might never have the chance to tell you how beautiful you make me feel again!

i might never learn about what a communications degree actually means

i will literally never see you again because you said you lived in long beach and with the traffic situation on the 405 you might as well have told me that you live in Kansas and you ate half of my $5 bag of M&M’s now the night is ruined i might as well go home my legs are killing me and I had to drive to LAX to pick up my friend at 7 in the morning today

but then you returned

brown eyes shimmering in the strobe lights

highlights in your hair

flowers drawn on your arm and back

perfectly contoured, highlighted, wing tipped, smelling like peach conditioner

your serenity returned to my arms

and as the clock struck midnight

and the confetti rained down upon us

and the kick drums came through the speakers

and everybody collectively lost their minds

the world around us jumped and danced and threw their arms up

and you

you know that feeling when you stay up all night writing a paper that you’re sure is a D+ at best comes back and you get an A on it?

you know that feeling of a warm bundle of laundry fresh out of the dryer?

or a nice hot bath with your favorite playlist in the background and just enough candles?

well whatever that feeling was,

it washed over me as you kissed me 

as the countdown hit zero

and time stood frozen

and confetti got in my eye

i thought to myself

“thank God my wish came true”

because the thought of a “new year’s kiss” is a myth

right? i don’t care if anything happens tonight,

i’m here to dance and have a good time with my friend

whenever i look at your picture in my phone i can’t believe 

we see the same moon

that you can be halfway across the world

and see the same sky that I do

you see the same clouds and see the same stars

whenever i look at your picture in my phone i can’t believe 

we breathe the same air

that you can be halfway across the world

and breathe the same oxygen that i do

you smell the same roses and feel the same breezes

whenever i look at your picture in my phone i can’t believe 

we feel the same feelings

that you can be halfway across the world

and feel the same feelings that i do

you grin the same smiles and ache the same pains

whenever i look at your picture in my phone i can’t believe 

that i could do anything for you

that you can be halfway across the world

and you would even care about me

the same selfies and the same playlists

but for now

i look at your picture in my phone and i can’t believe someone as beautiful as you

sees the same moon