Dear July,

The first time i came upon this series on youtube was 12 years ago. the first time i participated in it i was 20, although i could've sworn i was a teen. Is 20 basically a pre-adult kinda like the preteens?

anyway, i wanted to write yesterday but my partner was home and it wasn't like i felt controlled or anything. i just didn't feel like i could be honest and if i were to cry, i didn't want to explain it. i also didn't want to explain why i was typing so much.

so here we are july. i am 32 years old and 6 days. my mom forgot my birthday. i went to drop of my dog at her apartment since we were going to be out for hours.

"what are you guys going to do?"

"oh we're just going out, it's been a long time since we did"

a few days before my birthday i told my therapist i felt like my mom was going to forget my birthday and how i don't know it to be a fact but i had an inkling that she would. she advised me to tell her about my birthday plans, i don't remember why, but i didn't.

it wasn't until a few days after my birthday that she remembered it. she formally apologized to me via text and then sent me an AI generated video with a picture of me in middle school on picture day in black and white while a mariachi played. it looked like a funeral announcement. i responded a few days later saying "thank you, mom".

what else? oh i'm unemployed. i got laid off at the end of June, just in time for my birthday. i'd been absolutely miserable at that job but i had checked out so much that i was able to do maybe 5 hours of work in a week and get paid full time. i was financially stable and miserable. now i'm unstable and miserable.