bucky

taking  a  seat  outside  next  to  the  other  ,  madelyn  held  out  an  extra  s’more  that  she  had  made. was  she  ready  to  eat  it  ?  no. what  better  way  to  make  sure  it  didn’t  go  uneaten  than  by  passing  it  off. “  s’more  ?  don’t  say  i  never  gave  you  anything  after  your  death  threat. ”

dazed and definitely on another level of existence, bucky looked up at madelyn with a too-wide smile when she offered him a s’more. “you don’t know how happy you just made me” he gushed, taking it so that he could take a big bite. “are you having a good time?” he asked, nudging her with his elbow.

"top three crushes...? i mean obviously hermoine granger is a big one — if i ever got my hands on the red headed twiglet ron, who doesn’t deserve shit, i’d snap him in half. then probably emily from corpse bride. she’s all sweet and bratty and goes after what she wants. guess i like that in a girl. lastly... shego from kim possible. i mean do i really have to explain that one?”

arlo: can u swing by earth real quick

arlo: i'm stoned and i need u to guide me home

“because i like you.” she said without skipping a beat despite the humour between them and with her own glimmer in her eye. that was the bucky she knew. the one she was crazy about. the bucky who was self-deprecating in such a disarmingly charming way that he was impossible to resist. his fan base on campus was a testament to that. still, violet shook her head because she knew nothing she could say would make bucky see all the good that she saw in him. not in that moment, and maybe not in any moment. he had a habit of tearing himself apart beyond the humour and charm and she wasn’t going to let him do that anymore than he already had. instead, she took her time examining his hand the best an arts major could and knew she would have to find a first aid kit and a little ice but she wasn’t ready to leave his side just yet. although violet had her doubts about the mixture of substances in his system, she wasn’t going to harp on it. maybe in the morning they could have a talk about the very real fear she felt when he didn’t respond to her texts, but all she could do in that moment was be there for him as long as he let her.

plucking the joint from between his lips, she helped herself to a short drag before placing it back where she found it. his uncertain rambling was sweet, pulling on her heart until the back of her eyes prickled, but she was unwilling to let him question where her head was any longer. “i made up my mind a long time ago, b.” violet murmured as she lifted her hand to gently touch his cheek. there was nothing but a gentle fondness shining in her big brown, glassy eyes as she stood there, touching his cheek and cradling his injured hand and wondering if there was already too much damage between them. but she didn’t think so. at least, she didn’t feel ready to give up on him, or them. she didn’t think she ever would. a quiet sigh left her lips. “i’m sorry, bucky. about tonight…” she swallowed as an unusual feeling of shyness washed over her. “to be honest with you, i didn’t even realize i had that kind of jealousy in me until… you know, recently. and i don’t want you to feel like this… ever. especially not because of me.” her hand fell from his cheek. “we don’t have to talk about this tonight, or until we’re both ready, but i want you to know that you are not something i am unsure of.”

the four words that left her lips were probably ones that bucky should’ve seen coming, seeing as all signs had pointed to them being true. but still, there was always something buried deep down inside him that spoke to him constantly. told him that he wasn’t desirable. that no girl would actually fall for him and want to spend any real time with him. it didn’t effect his cockiness of course, nor his score sheet, but he saw himself in the mirror every morning. he knew that he looked like someone had taken a growth ray to an elf in santa’s workshop. it was just bizarre to him that someone like violet, who was practically a goddess was telling him that she liked him like that wasn’t one of the most absurd things she could say. 

so he stood frozen, eyes following her as she stole the blunt from his lips and took a drag like the moment they were sharing was a normal one. like it was any other night and the two of them had decided to hang out. he leaned into her touch without even realising that he was doing it, his exhaustion setting and injured hand beginning to throb in now that she seemed to be calming the rapid beating of his heart. his chest deflated as he let out a long breath, shoulders curling forward and head lowering down until he was hunched over and it was resting against her shoulder. “i mean, i’m pretty damn crazy about you, violet” he muttered, rolling his forehead back and forth over her shoulder, “like, i’m sorry, i know i talk a lot of shit in the group chat — but it doesn’t mean anything, you know? you’re the only one i want.”

arlo: where tf r u

arlo: this is an emergency

bucky: ummmmmmmm mars

she stood there in the hallway, doe-eyed and nervous that he might decide to close the door at any moment, as she watched him study her face little by little until their eyes met. truthfully, violet couldn’t understand when things had gotten so complicated. when fears and jealousy that she didn’t even know she had crept in and painted a monster over their masterpiece. part of her wanted to say see. that was the very reason they shouldn’t let anyone in on their perfect secret. but a much larger part just wanted to hold bucky close until that weary look in his eye finally vanished. had she been the one to put it there?

she stayed quiet while he processed what she was doing there and tried not to find all the reasons in the world to point out exactly how awful she was for him without even trying. guilt flourished, forming a tightly knotted lump in her throat as bucky knocked his head against his doorframe and she fought the urge to cushion the blow with her fingers. instead, she walked into his space and noted the visual of what the inside of his head must have looked like. violet’s eyes were drawn back to him as he began to apologize, her eyes falling to his hands. she’d spent the past few weeks getting to know his hands incredibly well. praising them, telling him how much she missed them. so, of course, she noticed that something wasn’t quite right with his right hand. she lifted her own hand to motion towards it but he was already on his way to the window. her hands smoothed over her shirt as she willed herself to keep her distance in case that was what he wanted despite her head screaming at her to do something. anything. at least her head and her heart finally agreed. “come on,” she said around the lump in her throat, “i’ve always known that about you.” she joked, her voice quiet and humourless and maybe even a little sad as she stood in the middle of his messy room with her hands tucked in the sleeves of her sweater and a knot in her stomach. she couldn’t take it anymore. not when she knew he was hurting. and not when he was so quick to write himself off. violet huffed and walked over to him before he could light his blunt, gently capturing his right hand in both of hers to inspect the damage. “actually,” she murmured, “i don’t know what before you’re talking about because i’m… i think i’m in the after.” her confession was hushed as she determined what his hand needed and tried to distract herself from whatever he might say next. 

bucky wasn’t expecting violet to have shown up to his dorm room. he figured he’d keep getting high until he passed out and slept long into the morning. but there she was, and suddenly he was embarrassed about the state of his room. it was all that was on his mind as he turned around and rolled the joint between his fingers. he couldn’t help it. he let out a throaty laugh when she mentioned that she’d always known that he wasn’t wired quite right. it was the kind of teasing that had made her so captivating in the first place. he swiped his tongue over his lips and tucked the blunt between them, “you did? why the hell would you agree to go out with me?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at her, his eyes brightening ever so slightly. then she took his hand and the tiny smile that had been forming on his large lips faded as he was reminded of what had happened just a few moments earlier. she spoke then and he swallowed hard, pinching the joint between his fingers and pulling it from his lips so he could speak, “you’re in the... you think you’re” he cleared his throat and closed his eyes, shaking his head in an attempt to clear some of the fog. “you think you’re in the after? so you think we, uh, you and me?” he cut himself off and tore his eyes away from her to stick his joint back between his lips, “that’s... i thought you were still making up your mind.”

most of the time, violet didn’t consider herself pessimistic. she didn’t often jump to conclusions or conjure up elaborate fantasies that poked holes in the good things she had. and bucky was a good thing. a very good thing. even before she’d given in to the feelings she’d been staving off for months… years, even when they were just friends, he was special to her. she knew him well, and he knew her too, and that was why alarm bells went off in her head when their texts quickly devolved into low blows and anger until he stopped responding altogether. or until her messages could no longer be delivered. violet held her breath, unashamed to hover her ear near the door for any sounds of life inside. it was absurd, the way warmth bloomed in her chest when she heard him cough but relief overtook everything else and, suddenly, the anticipation was killing her. she straightened up, folding her arms as the heavy wooden door shielding them from each other opened and her gaze landed on a disheveled bucky. her heart lurched in her chest, her lips parting to speak but she hesitated. would it be completely inappropriate to wrap her arms around him? she knew he knew the answer to his own question but she let it go as she took a step closer just for a little privacy from any housemates. “no,” she shook her head, her hands hovering out to touch him before she pulled them back to tuck beneath her chin before finally dropping her arms to her sides. “i just wanted to see you.” she said softly, her lips pursing as her eyes widened with sincerity and concern. “how are you? can i… come in?”

bucky’s eyes shifted to watch the girl’s hands, first following them while they reached out for him, then when they pulled back until they were at her sides and he felt an unshakable urge to grab at them like a child. but you’re not a child. he reminded himself, clenching his fists to keep from doing so, only to find that his right hand wouldn’t close all the way up. he kept it hovering behind the door, however, not wishing to reveal the extent of the embarrassing actions his frustration had led to. he finally allowed himself to look at her face, gaze first focusing on her chin and her cheeks — the ones he liked to squeeze together when she was rambling on about some topic she was passionate about and steal a kiss. then, her soft lips and sweet nose until he finally locked his dark eyes onto hers and was instantly filled with shame for how quickly he’d allowed himself to lose his temper. “no?” he repeated her reply softly and shook his own head to mimic her movements. “oh..” he leaned his head against the edge of the open door for a moment, before knocking it against it and motioning for violet to enter his room — which was far messier than it should’ve been seeing as his roommate was away. he was dizzy, and he wasn’t sure if it was the drugs or violet or just his brain, finally turning on him. “sorry for, fucking...” he gestured texting with his hands, then a crazy swirl over his ear and kicked the door shut with his foot when she was inside, “must be relieved that you know i’m a fucking mental case now before.. you know..” he rambled, walking back to his windowpane to retrieve his half-smoked blunt.

it didn’t take her long to get dressed, or to make her way to cleverly with her hand locked around her phone in a vice grip. just in case bucky texted, or called. she was still frustrated, hurt even, but she swallowed it down because she knew better than to ignore those kinds of messages from him. especially when she knew his roommate wasn’t around for the evening. especially when she knew how self-destructive bucky could be. so she didn’t hesitate to let herself into the building. her caramel locks fall around her shoulders like a curtain of silk as she ran her fingers through the strands to soothe herself. climbing the stairs, she stopped at bucky’s door to take a breath. there was a chance he wouldn’t want her there, and violet wasn’t sure she was prepared for that kind of rejection from him. but she also couldn’t just leave him alone. she wouldn’t. she knocked gently, “bucky?” she quietly called through the door before knocking again. “are you there, b? … it’s me.”

@gobuckurself​

bucky was stupid sometimes. that much he was aware of — at least after the fact. he was being stupid then, as he sat with his arms around his knees, perched on the roof of cleverly like a gargoyle. his head was spinning, stars in his eyes but a hollowness in his chest that he couldn’t displace. he was fucked up, in more ways that one, and sitting atop a roof was probably the worst place he could be. not that he was planning on throwing himself off it or anything. then again, bucky didn’t plan most of the things he did. his brows furrowed as he stared at violet’s messages, then went to work responding, his breath quickening as anxiety built up in his chest until he was taking heaving breaths that were making it difficult to concentrate. he didn’t know why he was so angered and upset — perhaps he was in the middle of an episode and hadn’t noticed, or he’d taken one too many pills, or one too many drags. whatever it was, it was likely the root cause of the swing he took at the wall — only to catch the doorframe instead. in this state, he barely felt a thing, but one sight at the quickly reddening and swelling hand told him he’d likely be feeling it the next day. he dropped back onto his bed, eyelids closing as tight as possible as if he was trying to escape his own brain when he heard her calling through the door. “fuck” he muttered, his mouth dry and eyes sore as they finally refocused on the door. he couldn’t just leave her out there, even if he absolutely didn’t want her to see him in the state he was in. with a harsh swallow (and a cough that followed seeing as there was no moisture in his mouth), he stood and crossed the room to open the door, bloodshot gaze avoiding the girl standing behind it. “what? did you leave something in here or something?” he croaked. 

violet: okay, bucky. stop.

violet: i don't care about fern or kyle or anyone else right now

violet: are you still at cleverly?

violet: i can come over

chloe: uh yes i should always be #1 on everyone's priority lists tbh

chloe: it counts for a lot actually

chloe: thank you

bucky: this is why i'm so convinced you're gonna find happiness

bucky: shhh don't mention it

bucky: have a good night chloe

chloe: if u don't give me a hug the next time we're in the same room tho...i'll cry

chloe: do i?

chloe: sometimes i think i'm just a mess honestly but like...

chloe: it's nice that at least one person doesn't think so

bucky: i'll put it at the top of my priority list

bucky: if i had one

chloe: that works for now. raincheck on a real hug for later.

chloe: yeaaaaah just a tiny bit

chloe: idk most people would disagree with u on that one

bucky: that works for me

violet: i feel like i'm literally one half of the 'the girl he told me not to worry about' meme right now

violet: bucky, kyle was just messing around and, okay, i played along. but i didn't do it because i'm not serious about you and me.

(...)

violet: what????

violet: b, i know you're not. of course you're not. of course you have feelings.

violet: and i would never try to hurt them.

(...)

violet: are you ok rn?

bucky: that's fucking stupid, i don't even like fern like that

bucky: if i did why wouldn't i just go for it?

bucky: no violet i'm not fucking ok

bucky: and kyle wasn't messing around - kyle doesn't mess around