Lil Sparkie's Nocturnal Odessy

Within ten minutes Nick had made it to the public library and was standing outside the entrance doors. He didn't know how to proceed, this was the only place he could think of going in hope of running into Y/N. He had so many questions and things he wanted to say but nothing was formulating clearly in his head. He felt his body tensing up and repeatedly clenched and unclenched his fists. As he started to debate whether or not it was better for him to leave there was a noise behind him and everything inside him fell silent. 

‘Nick..?’ 

Even before Nick turned around, he knew who it was. About ten paces away from him was Y/N. A part of Nick was stunned simply by how straightforward this had ended up being. He had thought about Y/N every single day he was inside yet now seeing him in person felt like an illusion. Nick was scared that if he blinked Y/N would vanish. Y/N was standing with his hands gripping the strap on his bag, his stance giving the impression of someone who had not figured out if they were in flight or fright yet. For the second time that morning Nick was reminded of the first time he had met Y/N. Outside the diner he had behaved in a similar way. Anxious and unsure which at the time Nick couldn't help but find endearing. But that was back when they were still strangers. Y/N knew him now. Better than anyone else. 

‘Y/N … hey’ the words fell awkwardly out of Nick's mouth. Y/N was wearing a coat Nick had never seen before and his hair was a little shorter then he normally had it. Apart from that he was the same. It made Nick's heart flutter. As he took a step forward YN took a step back. ‘What are you doing here?’ Y/N asked in a tone Nick had not heard before from him. Y/N looked tired, and uncomfortable, his eyes fixed on Nick's shoes and only occasionally flickering up to meet his gaze. ‘I got let out’, Nick explained, "But why are you here?’ Y/N emphasized, in the sky above the already monotone sky grew darker. Almost invisible specks of rain began to fall. Nick frowned and laughed in hesitation, “What is that a trick question or something? I came to see you” taking another step forward Y/N countered his move by swiftly turning around “Well I don't want to see you!” and began walking back down the street. Nick started to panic. It never played out this way in his head. He took chase after Y/N.

“Hey. Hey Y/N. Stop.” Nick reached out and held Y/N’s shoulder ‘Look aright I know I fucked up’. 

‘Fucked up? Nick!’ Y/N said as he shook off Nick’s hand, ‘You put a man into a coma for Christ sake. He nearly died!’.

‘I know.’ Nick said solemnly. Whenever he thought back to that moment in time a highpitched ringing flooded in brain and all he could remember was red. 

“Two guys had to physically rip you off of him. Your fists were covered in blood. I mean … What on earth happened?” Y/N eyes were full of confusion and despair.

‘Well..’ Nick stuttered and waited for the rest of his answer to come but his voice fell flat. The whole experience had been a blur. He remembered he had been working double shifts for nearly two weeks straight. Barely seeing Y/N in between work as he’d started to take his exams and was cramming when at home. They had both been exhuasted and spread thin. They had been walking back to their apartment in silence, it was late and  down the street two men who had clearly had a few were making their way up the street towards them. It was unclear if on purpose or not but the bulkier of the two men bashed his shoulder into Y/Ns, knocking him off balance, studdling into Nick a little before steading himself. Y/N sighed, rolled his eyes then continued walking. Nick however stood rigid, turning his body three quarters and watching the inebriated pair strut down the street, laughing to one another. ‘Fucking puff needs to watch where hes going’, one of the men slurred before spitting down onto the road. 

And that was it. Everything inside Nicks body snapped at once. He had no choice. No control. 

‘He was cussing at you.. I lost it.’ Nick said in a small voice. 

‘So what. You had to step in to defend me. That's childish.’ Y/N began to turn around again, ready to leave.

‘I promised’ Nick started to explain but by now the rain was starting to fall down in large heavy drops. Nick gestured toward the bus shelter close by. Y/N watched Nick for a moment before begrudgingly following him out of the rain.‘I promised I'd always look out for you’ Nick's words felt feeble, lacking the impact he truly meant with them. ‘No.’ Y/N said sternly, wiping his wet hair off his cheek, ‘WE promised we’d look out for each other TOGETHER. And how has that gone? After you got arrested I had no one. I had no way to pay off all our bills let alone our rent! I told my laptop, the TV, and my phone. Even the car..’. The pause followed by the look in both their eyes showed how much that hurt.

“Not that that did any good” Y/N sniffed, growing more upset, in his head having to relive the last twelve months just to bring Nick up to speed. ‘I tried pleading but they kicked me out of the flat. No one would talk to me after what happened. No one would help me. I .. I failed my course..’ Y/N’s voice quivered, he coughed it away and folded his arms, blinking the build up of moisture in his eyes away.

Nick was stunned, ‘What? How?’.

‘With everything going on and all the shit I was having to sort out I missed my last two exams. Instant fail’

‘Fuck .. Y/N I am so sorry that happened’ 

Y/N finally looked up at Nick in his eyes coldly, ‘Because of you. This ALL happened because of you’. Nick knew this but it did not stop him from feeling frustrated, ‘It's not like I wanted any of this to happen!’ he blurred out, raising his hands in the air and then resting them against the back of his head. He started to pace. Y/N watched him. 

‘Why couldn't you just let me help. I could have gotten a job’ Y/N asked, shrugging his shoulders as he rested his back against the shelter's wall. 

‘I wanted to be able to take care of us both,’ Nick said. Inside he was furious with himself. 

‘Yeah well insisting on doing it yourself was stupid and stubborn and look where it got us. I spent so much time afterwards scared and just trying to keep everything afloat I didn't get any time to be angry at you. Everything was so fucked up.’ Hitting the back of his head against the shelter wall Y/N looked up aimlessly and crossed his arms.

Nick didn't know what to say back. Y/N was right. Everything was completely fucked. All because of him. 

He couldn't help but steal glances at Y/N as he paced. He had always liked the way Y/N’s hair looked when it was wet. “What happened to your arm?” Nick asked, gesturing to Y/N's right forearm. A small cluster of bruises were slowly fading into a pale yellowy brown colour. Y/N’s shifted his weight and he pulled down his coat sleeve, concealing the marks. ‘It’s nothing’ he tried to brush off but Nick stared him down. ‘Y/N, come on -’, Nick tried but Y/N cut him off, ‘No Nick you come on. You've been out of my life for a year. You can’t expect us to pick up from where we left off’. Nick drew into himself and looked at the concrete floor. Even though Y/N was right there were so many other questions he wanted to ask him. 

Why had he not called him when he was inside? Why had he not visited? Had he missed him? Was he eating enough? Sleeping okay? Taking care of himself? Could he ever forgive him? 

However Nick knew at this moment he was not privileged to any of their answers. The two of them stayed under the building's shelter for a good five minutes as the showers persisted. 

Finally the weather above started to pass and Nick expected Y/N to take his chance to escape down the road, but he didn't. He stayed put, looking anywhere else but Nick's direction. 

‘Can I at least drop off your stuff wherever you're staying at? Everything is still all boxed up at my dads’. At first Y/N didn't react to Nick's request, then a tiny smile formed across Y/N’s face as he aimlessly kicked some dirt around on the ground, ‘I would have thought he would have chucked all of that stuff on the curb after that whole mess’ Y/N mused and Nick grunted in amused agreement. ‘True, but expecting my dad to do anything is short of a miracle’, this made them both for the first time smile at each other. Somewhere the sun was slowly trying to break through the clouds.  

Nick was about to speak again when two short loud buzzes came from Nick’s jeans pocket and frowned at his screen. ‘What is it?’ asked Y/N with an air of cathartic calmness. ‘Um. It's from my new probation officer ’Nick said while continuing to read, ‘I have my initial meeting with him in about an hour downtown’. Y/N didn't say anything. Neither of them really know how to proceed. 

‘Look Nick.’ Y/N started to say, he was looking at Nick's chest now instead of his shoes. I'm still mad, and I am still hurt by what you did… I know you didn't mean to do it but .. I guess it was just something inside you which was going to boil over at some point’. As Nick grimly reflected on every step which had brought him to a time moment. Maybe it was true. 

‘I want to change. Okay look I am going to change.’ he meant it, even though he didn't know how yet Nick was determined to prove to Y/N he could trust me again. Finally their eyes met, Nick's pale blue and wide trying to project how serious he was being. Y/Ns Y/C/E eyes stared back but Nick couldn't read what they were saying. They simply looked exhausted.

‘I know this is a lot for you.’ Y/N said looking away after a moment ‘But this is also a lot for me too’. Nick simply nodded and looked at the ground. His anger mixed with grief inside him and he started to feel slightly nauseous. 

‘Can I please bring you back your stuff? I can use my dads truck.’ Nick expected and then received the same answer ‘No’ from Y/N, though his tone was less rigid. He spoke as if he was simply stating a fact. 

‘Why not?’ 

‘It's just not a very good idea.’ Y/N sighed as he glanced down at this watch, ‘Look I really need to go’.

‘I thought you'd come here to go to the library’ Nick asked, failing to hide the panic in his voice as Y/N started to walk away from him.

‘What? No i was just walking this way back from work’ Y/N said casually. 

‘You're working?’

‘Well with my course having gone down the toilet what did you expect’

‘Um where?’ Nick asked, trying to shrug off the guilt which came with Y/N’s explanation. 

‘That cheap burger joint on the corner near the town square’ Y/N said with a fake smile.  

‘Oh really? That's .. uh’ Nick couldn't think of a positive spin to his response.

‘Shit. Trust me I know. Look, I really have to go. I'm sorry.’

‘Wait! When can we see each other next?’ Nick called out as Y/N left the shelter. 

‘I don't know. Im sorry Nick. Don't miss your appointment.’

Y/N wishes he could quit, but things are never that simple. What got under Y/N’s skin that most was that he really did try his best to always be useful and out of people's ways, actively take up as little space as possible and somehow Y/N always seem to rub people up the wrong way. Well, except for Benson. 

Now Benson. There was an interesting outlier. It's not even that he was particularly kind or attentive towards Y/N. In some ways similar to Y/N, Benson was another body who was simply there. Despite working together for a year Y/N could probably count the things he knew about Benson on one hand. Benson always rocked up to his shifts twenty minutes early in his beaten up retro car where he would sit motionless next to the steering wheel. Y/N knew this because he had seen him doing so several times from within the diner and out of boredom and curiosity had started timing him. Suppose he needs some time alone to build up the strength to start the day's work, Y/N understood that feeling. Benson always smelt of an odd mixture of soap and ash, YN could imagine after a morning shower Benson lighting up his first cigarette of the day. 

Lastly Y/N knew that during a whole shift Benson would never say more than a few words along with an assortment of grunts. In fact another one of Y/N's tallis had noted Bensons’ record of minimum words said per day, which was an impressive three. ‘Alright’, ‘No’ and ‘Sure’. There was no point denying that Benson's silent and mysterious demeanor had sparked Y/N’s intrigue, that and Y/N on several occasions had caught himself watching Benson at work when he was not looking. Staring at his defined shoulders, muscular arms and thick mustache above his sharp jaw. Y/N would blush and then frown at himself, averting his eyes back to whatever task he was avoiding finishing. 

Y/N’s shift today ended exactly how he expected it. With the others pushing passed him through the doorway as if a trash bag had been left in his way. No one said goodbye and no one said sorry. Spring was on its way but there was still a chill outside with the horizon down the road being concealed with pale mist. As the others gleefully chatted with one another as they walked towards their cars Y/N continued to hover around the door fumbling with his coat pockets. He couldn't find the main door keys to lock up anyway, starting to panic. Y/N turned around to call out to the others but was greeted with their cars screeching passed, even the manager in his busted people carrier, and they sped down the road heading towards the mist. Within seconds only their tail lights were still visible.

“Are you fucking me!?” Y/N sighed aloud out of anger and disbelief. Then a noise caught his attention and he looked towards the fair end of the carpark. Despite his thoughts there was in fact one remaining car and its driver still present. Said driver had just finished pressing his finished cigarette into the gravel ground with the heel of his black boot. Benson was staring directly at Y/N. Observing him. 

There was complete silence between both of them until Y/N awkwardly called out ‘Umm, do you have the key so I can lock up?’. Benson didn't move in the slightest and Y/N wasn't convinced he had heard him but then Benson turned around and got into the driver's seat of his car. The engine kicked into gear. “Right. Of course. Why did I expect anything different” mumbled to himself, turning back to the door as he could hear the wheels of Benson's car start to roll over the gravel. But instead of exiting the lot Benson’s car spotted sparkly in front of Y/N and he turned around in confusion. Peering through the dirty passenger window Y/N could see Benson with one outstretched hand on the wheel and the other rested over his seat. “Well are you getting in or what?” Benson suddenly inquired with an almost irritated tone. Y/N was still not sure what was currently happening. “But. What about the -” he started to fumble over his words and then Benson interrupted, “ I open up tomorrow and by the time anyone else arrives they won't know none the wiser. Get in”. The last sentence was as much a command as an invite. With one final look back at the empty diner Y/N quickly cramped himself into the passenger seat, barely having time to put on his seat belt before Benson slammed his foot down jolting them forwards and down the road.

As the engine burst into life so did the stereo and a Tool song begin blasting through the exterior of the car. Benson's attention was now fixed on the road and to avoid coming across as snooping by looking around his car Y/N stared out of his own window watching the trees go by and bobbing his song to the song, faking casualness. As he did this Y/N failed to notice Benson taking a split second to stare at him, he laughed quietly to himself before returning his eyes forward. Several minutes passed and Y/N found himself feeling oddly comfortable in Benson's silent presents, he only broke this silence as Benson turned the car left at the traffic. “Actualy my house is down that way” Y/N said, pointing to the right. “We are going to mine.” Benson explained flatly and continued to say nothing for the rest of the drive. As did Y/N. 

Benson's house looked the same as the rest of the neighborhoods. A simple wooden bungalow type with a front porch, though the front yard's grass needed a mow and the white paint on the porch was starting to peel off in places. Y/N got out of the car with Benson and was blindly following him to the front door until Benson without warning gripped his shirt's shoulder, practically lifting him off the ground and moving him to the side. ‘Go round the back.’ he said without explanation, leaving Y/N standing there as he stomped up the steps towards the front door and went in, shutting it behind him. Carefully walking through the long grass making his way around the house Y/N only now started to question why on earth was he here. 

Around the back there was another porch and several rusted deck chairs nestled in the grass facing towards an old fire pit. Y/N thought about sitting down in one of the chairs but it looked wet so he opted to gingerly resting his weight against the porch. Before he could get comfortable he jumped at the sound of the back door swinging open and Benson reappearing. He was still wearing his brown work trousers and combat boots, but he had removed the cheap polyester work shirt revealing a well worn metal band shirt. On top of this he wore a striking fluffy yellow cardigan. Y/N found the absolute contrast between Benson’s clothes surprising yet equally charming. 

A small high pitch cry came from the garden and turning around Y/N saw a black and white cat racing with skill along the top of the high wooden face. Getting close enough it hopped from the fence onto the frame work of the porch before dropping down onto the steps where Benson had sat down on. Like clock work the cat weaved its way under Benson’s arm and he scooped it up gently, scratching behind its ear. “Yes. Hello. Hello there. How are you” Benson cooed in a low voice. ‘What's its name?’ asked, not being able to look away from this surreal scene in front of him. ‘Dont know.’ Benson replied not looking up from the happy purring creature now nestled in his lap, ‘She just comes into my garden a lot. I just call her Cat.’ This made Y/N laugh and as Benson looked up towards him Y/N could have sworn he almost saw Benson smile back.

As cat carried on getting comfortable in Benson’s lap he pulled out of his pocket a tightly rolled splif, bring it to his lips he then took out his lighter and brought the flame to the tip. Snucking in, the end began to glow and ash fell into the grass. ‘You want some?’ Benson asked, smoke flew out of his mouth and nose as he leaned forwards, offering the splif towards Y/N. Y/N laugh again before taking it and sitting on the step below Benson and Cat on the stairs. The wind was lightly blowing through the leaves of the trees above and somewhere in the distance he could hear someone mowing.

For a while neither of them said anything, simply took a few drags before passing it back to the other. Cat would rotate between nuzzling up against Y/N’s arm and snoozing in Benson's lap, getting plenty of head scratches regardless. As time passed the Y/N started to feel the splifs effect, leaning his head backwards he let out a long deep sigh which seemed to flow with the wind, ‘God its been a long time since I’ve felt this at ease’. ‘Oh yeah?’ Benson asked almost in a monotone manner as he sparked up another joint, taking several short puffs, ‘whys that?’. 

With the slight tingling session across Y/N’s body and his feelings of stress and tightness fading into the background he started to list everything which was under his skin. Starting off slow and matter of fact, how he hated how long he had been stuck in this job. How everyone else at work treated him like he did exist. As he started to explain each dilemma in more detail he started to get more and more energetic. He hated how shit their pay was, how dirty the dinner was and how their manager did sweet fuck all expect watch porn in his office. Mid outburst Y/N had risen to his feet and was pacing back and forth in the small garden, waving his arms and subsequently the joint in his hand as he said he hated how fake everyone else at work was and that he was so tired after every shift he left like he had no time to do the things he used to love. 

‘Fuck sake like, I used to draw all the time. Easily the thing which makes me the happiest, nowadays I'm just so tired and frustrated the only creative thoughts I get are about how I could burn down the diner without getting caught’. Benson chuckled at this as the light above the back door switched on, beaming a flood of cold white light into the garden. Looking at it and then looking up at the sky Y/N had not noticed how dark it had gotten. ‘Wow. I didn't realise how late it was. I really went off on one. Sorry’ Y/N said suddenly feeling his usual layer of self consciousness growing upon him again. Benson just shrugged indifferently as he took a few final drags of the stump of their third joint. Y/N’s leg started to bounce. ‘Why did you bring me here Benson?’.

Beson looked up at Y/N, behind the slight red tint his eyes looked so calm, ‘Seemed like you had a shit day. Figured you'd maybe want to talk about it’. ‘Well, it was less talk and more me verbally vomiting in your direction’ Y/N admitted sheepishly. ‘I dont mind.’ Beson said taking the end of the joint and dropping it to the ground and crushing it with his boot. ‘I liked it.’ Before Y/N could figure out what to say Benson shifted his weight and Cat lazily jumped off him as he stood up, ‘Come one. I’ll drive you home’. 

Nick's old job had paid relatively well but after the incident involving the forman's face and his fist it was an instant dismissal. It was through a friend of a friend that Y/N had been able to help Nick find his current job in a warehouse. The work was shit but they paid over time for double shifts. ‘I will call my boss tomorrow. See if I can pick up a few more shifts’. Nick had already requested extra shifts last week when he first opened their bills, he hoped there still would be more hours for him to pouch. At the moment things were just about working. Life was hard, and exhausting but they had each other and were better off for it. Running his fingers along Nick’s jawline Y/N smirked, ‘try not to run yourself ragged, otherwise you’ll have no energy for me when I get home from my classes”. As he teased Y/N shifted himself off the bed, starting to unbutton his shirt. Growling softly Nick placed his hands behind his hand and enjoyed the view. 

‘Oh your dad called earlier by the way’ Y/N said as he balled up his socks and throw them into the laundry bag as if they were baseballs, the second one missed. ‘Umm, thats not exactly the kind of dirty talk I was hoping to have tonight’ Nick said, sitting up and rubbing his face with both hands. Grinning Y/N moved across the room, picking up his balled sock and threw it at Nick. ‘What did he want?’ Nick asked patching the sock with one hand before laying back on the bed. ‘He asked after you ... and if you had picked up his meds’ Y/N said as he sat back on the foot of the bed to take his jeans off, ‘In that order?’ mumbled Nick unimpressed. ‘No but you know how he is’, and with a flop Y/N landed on his back on the bed next to Nick in his underwear. ‘He asked me how 'the apartment hunting' was going again’, as Y/N said taking a sip of Nicks half drunk beer on the side table as he settled down and started to watch the film. 

Nick’s dad still thought him and Y/N were just friends who were broke therefore shared the apartment with one of them sleeping on the sofa, his dad had no clue that they were dating. He didn't even know Nick liked guys, though since Nick had never told him this wasn't surprising. There was always an unspoken barrier between Nick and his dad which made it hard for either of them to connect to the other. Y/N had never asked Nick to come out to his dad and he knew Y/N never would, he understood it wasn't an easy ask. Y/N had avoided telling his step brother about their relationship at the start, though that was a different story. Y/N was openly queer and Nick hated the idea his boyfriend thought he was Nick's dirty secret. He cared so much about the little muppet. 

‘Y/N?’ Nick stuttered.

He knew what he wanted to say. He had wanted to say it to Y/N for months. He had never told anyone he had loved them before and every time he tried to push the words out of his mouth the weight of them became paralyzing. Y/N casually looked up and smiled, waiting for Nick to speak and like every time before, Nick buckled. 

‘.... I promise you it's going to be alright’.

—-

It was at this point Nick always woke up. Back to reality. His cell was cold with a strange tint of blue across the industrial concrete walls. Sun light shone in through the small window and Nick rubs his eyes. In his dreams Y/N’s touch felt so realistic but now he could barely remember the sensation. He rubbed his fingers together and felt no comfort. One whole year. Three hundred and sixty five days he'd stared at the same depressing walls, during restless nights he had sworn he had seen things move across them. He gripped the metal bars of his cot and breathed in. Today was finally the day. He was being released. 

Walking out of the prison's gates was an uncomfortable feeling, looking behind him as he walked Nick felt as though he was being cruelly tricked and any second the guards would come charging out to tackle him down and drag him back into confinement. With relief he heard the gate close behind him, though quickly the next thought which clouded Nick's mind was how would he get home. The prison was several miles out of town surrounded by fields which currently swayed in the light breeze. Retrieving his phone from his pocket he frowned at it, trying to remember what his pin code had been. The lockscreen was a blurry photo of Y/N, sitting with his knees up to his chest in an empty shopping trolley rolling through a car park at night. Nick's hand began to shake. Remember his pin he pushed his thumb down repeatedly, it was his and Y/N's initials together. Instantly he rang Y/N's phone and waited impatiently as the wind began to pick up around him. 

‘We are sorry. The number you have dialed no longer exists. Please check the number you dialed or try a different number’

The automated voice twisted in his ear and Nick bit down on his tongue. He tried again.

‘We are sorry.’

‘What the fuck!’ hissed Nick as his grip around his phone tightened. His nostrils started to flare as he paced up and down on the dirt path. It was fifteen minutes and two more automated responses later that Nick phoned his dad. Forty minutes after that his dad's old pickup truck could be seen chugging down the road. 

The first half of the drive home was in complete silence, not a ‘hello’ or ‘how are you’ from either of them. Only the low rumbling sound of the soon to fail engine filling the space.

‘I thought Y/N would pick me up.’ Nick finally said out loud, looking out of the passenger window, he said it more to himself than anyone else. His dad snorted and let out a dry chuckle ‘well there was a fat chance of that happening son.’ Nick glared over at his dad who glanced at him knowingly before fixing his gaze back on the road, ‘I mean come on. You left that kid pretty high and dry'. ‘Well it's not like I had much of a choice in that dad' Nick said sharply, rubbing his temple, ‘I just want to get back to the apartment. I will talk things out with Y/N’. Reaching a stop light Nick’s dad abruptly hit the brakes, 'You don't get it do you!?’. Nick stared at his dad dumbfounded. ‘The apartments gone. Y/N was kicked out about a month after you were put inside because he couldn't pay the rent. He had to sell all of your furniture by the looks of it just to cover the bills’. Nick’s whole body froze. 

‘He came to me at one point’ Nick's dad began to explain as the truck started to move down the road again, ‘he asked if he could store your guys' stuff at mine for a week or two until he found a storage unit. I said fine because I knew the kid was in a tight spot, but then the little fucker fucked off. If you're staying with me that's the first thing you need to short out Nick! I've been stuck with your crap for almost a whole year!’. Nick was still trying to process the first earth shattering updated his dad gave him, he was struggling to keep up. ‘Wait … what do you mean? He didn't came back?’ Nick asked, finally catching up. ‘I mean, he dumped all your things at my house and then fucked off. Probably skipped town to get away from you and your mess’. His dad had never been one for pep talks and as they crawled into the drive of his dads dishevelled bungalow Nick had had enough, leaping out of the car, slamming the door shut on his way he marched into the house. 

Just like his dad had said, Nick’s old room was full of cardboard boxes spilling out into the hallway. It was a landfill of what his life once was. Not that his dad’s home was a palace of cleanliness before, in fact the state of his dads bungalow and self had declined in his absence. His dad didn't say anything else to him as he came into the house, all Nick heard was the fridge opening, a bottle cap cracking and the baseball game being blared on the TV.

Nick didn't know where to start, he aimlessly started opening boxes, but no answers were inside, only memories which made his chest ache. He found old clothes, CDs and his old skateboard which he remembered trying to teach Y/N how to use one night. It had ended poorly but with laughter. At the bottom of one of the boxes he found several photos of the two of them together, mainly of them dicking about in Nick’s old car at night or them at a bar. The feeling of deep sadness and rage mixed together in Nick's stomach like thick mud and he felt sick. Scrunching the photos hard in his palm he slammed his other fist into the wall. And again. And again. Leaving a dent and chipped plaster Nick dropped down onto the floor, putting his head against his knees. 

He wasn't sure how long he stayed like that but when he lifted up his head again it was dark outside. The TV could still be heard from the other room now along with his dads erratic snoring. Looking down at the carpet Nick gingerly picked up the squashed photos and tried to smooth out the creases. The idea of them being over hurt so much it made his insides feel hollow. As the night went on Nick got up and started moving boxes off the bed, briefly looking in each to assess what of his stuff he had left. However the further he looked the more confused he got. A lot of the boxes had his own belongings along with stuff which belong to them both, however Nick also found Y/N's clothes, books, revision and class notes. In another box was Y/N's favourite boots and collection of old horror films. Nick also found postcards which Y/N’s grandma had sent him when she was alive and at the very bottom of the last box he searched he found a tiny soft toy bat. Y/N had found this in a thrift store one day around Halloween. At first being a spooky decoration, whenever Y/N had an anxiety attack or lapsing episode Nick would bring him this little bat to hold. Being perfectly palm size Y/N would hold it closely and focus on his breathing. Nick remembered before he was put away Y/N started taking this bat everywhere with him in his bag for support. 

‘Y/N would never get rid of this. Even if it reminded him of me. It makes no sense’. 

These thoughts continued to swim around in Nick's head as he lay down on his bed, it was comfier than his prison cot yet somehow that made it harder for him to settle down. As he stared up at the ceiling he clung tightly to the tiny bat, running his fingers up and down the soft fabric. Nick knew he had a lot to answer for and as he tried to fall asleep he repeated the same instruction over and over in his head.