k

changing $, ordering my own dinner, etc

trying to recall what changed in the past 2 weeks, had a good few months and i could not keep it that way

i’m losing my memory- it always feels as if i understood something wrongly, or that the decisions were jointly made (to which i’ve been told that it only seems that way but someone had to compromise. which i don’t deny but i thought it was understood but i don’t think i make people feel secure)

i feel blessed because this would have been a lot different if we weren’t together. so thank you for making this logical decision for my mom. and i’m sorry that i didn’t sit down, talk to you, made sure you were really okay before everything moved too quickly.

i think i did a good job redirecting my self-depreciating thoughts today. instead of constantly asking myself “why nothing changed after the conversation yesterday?” or justifying the reasons that you still let it happen. or questioning if it’s even happening.

i told myself that i have to fix me to fix us and let nature run its course. if i’ve learned a thing (oops, two things! about being controlling is that it’ll only get worse so fix the root problem that is me.

sigh i hope i’m not gaslighting myself.

it all points back to my changing. i’ve been told i’ve changed so much since the chase. i know. i’m aware.

i try, or think to be lovey. but so many times the day ends in an argument/silent war/frustration. i feel like i’ve done nothing right. but i can only blame myself, because i’ve changed too much.

stuck in a chicken-and-egg situation. i’m trying to resolve one thing but i can’t get over the emotional barrier.

oh no. i need to salvage this.

there’s really no point being alive - if not for family, for people you love, for a child or pet in the future.

my life is a service unto others and i’ll be forever enslaved to the social constructs of life.