euthanasia blue

i saved that first image with the name "hate you forever love you so much". i've never really gone into a lot of detail about my relationship with my dad, but it's incredibly difficult for me, and i feel like it's part of the healing process to be more open with it to a degree i am comfortable with.

my dad hurt a lot of people. and i am still scared of becoming him, because i have done the same. something about asian generational trauma and the cycle of abuse. i believe i get a lot of, if not all, my negative traits from him. addiction and self-centeredness and prejudice and shitty behaviour towards the people he loved/i love. i try so hard to not be him and i have failed so many times but i'm still trying please believe me.

i hated him for what seemed like forever and there are still a lot of things i don't feel like i can forgive him for at this point in my life, and i don't want at all to blame everything that's wrong with me on my dad, because i believe that is pushing away responsibility for things i need to make right; but when i met The Beast it ruined my life forever and i still cry about it (i just don't hurt myself all the time anymore because of it). but i love him so much, and i miss him. i've lived my life with that intense juxtaposition in my heart and i truly hate that nothing is black and white. a lot of the time i still feel like a scared child trying to forgive my dad while feeling so hollow inside and there are still police in the same room of this government building making sure no incidents take place and i don't feel safe but he got me a pokemon toy because even after everything he still remembers my favourite one. it's changed since then.

i love you forever bapu ji please forgive me. i miss you. happy father's day.

-sunny