My-Anh

I love too much.

I think too much.

I assume too much.

I look down on myself too often.

I doubt too much.

Soooo I'm only 19 but when I talk to people older than me, they always think I'm their age (23 or 24 years old). I think it's because moving around with my parents all my life, I was forced to grow up. I had to adapt to a new country, life, school and friends every three years since I was born. At the age of 10, I talked to Ambassadors or Deputy Chief of Missions about 'mature and adults things,' like college or whether I'm going to follow the footsteps of my father, rather than being outside playing in the backyard with friends. At the age of 17, when I was a senior in Vietnam, I accompanied my parents to various receptions and functions rather than staying out late at night partying with friends. 

So I think I matured much quicker than many people my age. I had to learn how to become independent at a really young age and I had understand the difference between eating fancy dinners with 'VIP people' and chowing down hamburgers with friends while gossiping. Also, I have two siblings - my sister is 10 years older than me while my brother is 9 years older. So growing up with them was very different than most siblings. I wanted to seem 'cool' to them so that meant I couldn't ask them play like hide and seek with me when I was 5 years old or say how I believe in cooties, especially when they were in HIGH SCHOOL. 

And this brings me to the main point....Marriage. So I'm a romantic. Definitely a big romantic. So ever since I could remember, I have always envisioned myself getting engaged by the age of 25 or 26 and having children in my early thirties. Once again...I'm 19. When I tell people this, they are in shock because they are like "WHAT? That's too soon!!!! Enjoy college! Have fun! Party!". I don't know but I just think that if you have found the right person (HAI KHOA :P) then waiting till you're like 30 to get engaged is pointless. I rather start building a life together early as a married couple. 

And it wasn't till recently that I figured out why i have this mentality of a 30 year old...and it's because...I have two siblings that are both married. DUH. that makes sense!!! haha.

But once again..I'm not trying to rush anything. That's just my ideal situation. Who knows......I might marry when i'm like 40 -.-

People tell me to always enjoy the present and just let the future come naturally. But for me, it's like I need to know that my future will be okay in order for me to enjoy my present. I worry too much, I over think about a lot of things (especially when I'm by myself - I end up getting into my head for too long) and I just never let myself be the happiest I can be.

To  be honest, I find that to be a major flaw of mine. I worry too much and it causes so much more unnecessary stress for me. I don't know what started all of this. 

I guess there have been moments in my life when I got hurt - whether it was because of family issues, drama with friends or relationship problems. Because of that, I think that is why I have this wall that I still keep up. This wall that really prevents my full happiness to seep through. It's like I'm scared to get hurt and hit rock bottom again so to prevent that, I try to somehow control the outcome of situations and make it so that it ends in my favor. Obviously that's impossible so the only thing I get from all the over-thinking and worrying is....stress, more problems and annoyances. 

Sigh. It's a shame that I have gotten to be like this. I feel like it's only going to tear me apart and ruin any sort of relationships I have (with friends, family and my boyfriend). But I don't know what to do. Only I can change how I am...but I just feel so hopeless because I don't know how. WOMP.