On a scale from 1-10 and in order of least to most likely

Jason as Red Hood: 1 - he’s got a helmet for a reason

Babs: 1 - that’s very much a last resort type of situation

Tim as Red Robin: 2 - he’s missing a spleen so he has to think about things like “germs” and “the spread of infectious diseases” and “you don’t know where that’s been”

Duke: 3 - he’ll try it but it’s not his first instinct. Emergency cases really

Cass: 4 - she doesn’t need to resort to that but sometimes it’s fun to surprise people she’s fighting even more

Steph as Spoiler or Batgirl: 6 - it’s their fault for sticking their hand or arm in her face in the first place

Dick as Nightwing: 7 - It creeps people out when he’s smiling and joking around and then just flat out chomps down

Jason as Robin: 10 - it’s a valid strategy, okay

Steph as Robin: 10 - it’s a valid strategy, okay

Tim as Robin: 10 - it’s a valid strategy, okay

Damian: 10 - he’s training the PSI of his bite in an attempt to someday reach that of a crocodile

——————

jay: uh what’s for dinner

dick: well we have cereal and…

dick:

dick: hey don’t kids like the whole breakfast for dinner thing?

jay: i miss alfred

——————

dick: and for a bed i’d like to introduce you to this lovely thing called a futon!!

jay: …better than a cardboard box i guess

——————

jay: can i fight crime yet

dick: you’re a child

jay: you’re a slightly larger child

dick: …fair point, no extreme violence and minimum 4 flips per patrol

——————

dick: when a mommy and daddy love each other very much—

jay: i am not doing this with you dickface i know what sex is

dick: wait no little wing i have a powerpoint presentation. it’s color coded and everything!

jay: i wish i’d stayed on the street

——————

dick: okay that’s enough, you know what, get on top of the fridge

jay, hissing: this house is a fucking nightmare

——————

jay: hey some friends at school wanted to watch a movie, is it okay if they come here—

dick: yes, yes! oh my god finally i’m so proud you’re making friends jaybird, i’m gonna be the coolest host dad ever i’ll make pizza and

jay, already on the phone: yeah he said no, sorry guys, can we do it at tommy’s?

——————

dick teaching jason trapeze and circus stuff 😭

——————

jay: god the circus is so lame

dick: exCUSE ME i’m disowning you, get out

jay: WHAT

——————

dick, who forgot to pick up jay from school: oh god i’m so sorry, i’ll never do it again

jay, who’s thrilled to be allowed in the library after hours every time, but never one to pass on a guilt trip: wow dick i never thought you of all people would abandon me

——————

dick: listen my support group says-

jay: you joined a support group for single moms dickface, that doesn’t count

dick: it does too, they all think i’m very brave for doing this alone

jay: for fucks sake-

——————

dick, coming home late from a date and seeing the lights on: uhh hello?

jay, sitting on a stool: and just where have you been all night young man?

dick: IM 26

——————

jason, pointing at the wayne family photos: so who do we like, and who do i hate on principle

dick:

dick: okay so this is complicated

jason: there’s only like three living people??

dick: right. so—

——————

dick, who pulled an all-nighter working on a case: good morning!

jay, who was reading jane austen and didn’t notice the sun came up: right…morning

dick:

jay:

dick: you didn’t sleep did you

jay: well clearly neither did you

dick: fair enough, coffee?

——————

jay: so this guy was shovin’ me around and-

dick: i’ll kill him

jay: …no.

dick: but-

jay: his mom’s the librarian and i can’t afford to fall out of sharon’s good graces

——————

dick: look it’s not my fault i’m so charismatic

jay: i’m not asking for a lot here

dick: you’re asking me to suppress my nature

jay: i’m asking you to stop flirting with all my teachers at parent teacher conferences

dick: c’mon it’s not that big of a deal

jay: …miss shields gave me her phone number to pass along the other day. so did mr. burnes, it’s getting outta hand dick

dick: oh i see, this is serious

dick: she’s really cute, maybe i should-

jay: STOP IT

Eddie: What?

Steph: Do you ever think it’s weird that paper technically has six sides but we can only use two of them effectively?

Tim: The other four are for bloodshed.

Steph: …

Jason: …

Dick: …

Duke: …

Cass: He is not wrong.

jason: You're not even seeing it that much.

Clark: hello! it’s a pleasure to meet-

Robin!Dick: Can you throw me?

Clark: I’m sorry what?

Robin!Dick: I said can you throw me with all your strength into the sky!

Clark: No?!? Why?!? You would die!

Robin!Dick: I won’t die I’m built different!!!! Throw me!! I wanna taste the clouds and see how many flips I can do!!

Bruce: *long dad sigh*

Clark: clouds just taste like water!

Robin!Dick: Sounds like something someone might say if they wanted all the tasty clouds to themselves!

Clark: What?!?

Years Later

Dick: Uncle Clark?

Clark: No, I will not.

Jason: *pulls out a note saying: "I am very proud of you. Love, Dad"*

Dick: Oh yeah. I didn't think this was for me.

Bruce: He’s taking over the League!

Dick: What, by making a few friends?

Bruce: By stealing MY friends.

Dick: Oh, so NOW Hal is one of your friends. Can I get that in writing for absolutely no reason at all?

Bruce: *glaring*

Dick: Come on, Jason’s not doing anything, he’s just making more friends in the hero community like you hoped he would.

Bruce: Just because he already stole all of your friends doesn’t mean he can go steal mine now too.

Dick: *gasp* You take that back.

Tim: It’s kind of true though. Jason’s pretty much friends with all of your friends. Both of you, just so we’re clear.

Bruce: And Kon has been hanging out with Jason a bit too. But that’s not the POINT.

Tim: [.exe has stopped working]

Dick: So what if Jason is friends with Hal, and Diana, and Oliver, and Barry, and Clark, and Dinah, and J’onn, and… Oh.

Dick: Well on the bright side if he does decide to take over the League he likes us better than you, so…

Bruce: *tired sigh*

Babs, over comms: You know your comms are still on, right?

Tim: Yes?

Babs: And that people can have more than one friend? Even more than one friend from the same family?

*bat chirps in the background*

Babs: ‘Thank you, Oracle, for teaching us new and amazing things every day.’

Babs: You’re welcome.

Babs: ‘Oh, we couldn’t do this without you.’

Tim: Spreadsheet, spreadsheet.

Jason: Crime, crime.

Bruce, reading off the text message Tim sent detailing the order- A thirty two ounce mocha with seven extra espresso-

Barista, interrupting him and already starting the drink- One Tim Drake special, you mean? Yeah. We all know it. It's part of our training for new employees at this point.

Bruce-...

Bruce-..?

Bruce- I've... I've been meaning to talk to him about his caffeine intake-

Magnus: They go meow. btw. not that you care

Alec: I care very much, keep going

Bruce: How were you a political prisoner?