Dog Instagram Aficionado

When they go over the requirements for a project at work

I just love sleep so much ……. like u just close ur eyes and ur gone bitch ………… brain logged the fuck off ……… powerful

people say “if you don’t lower your standards, you’re gonna end up spending your whole life alone!” like being a healthy, happy, financially independent single adult is actually worse than being stuck in an abusive and/or emotionally unfulfilling relationship with someone who isn’t willing/able to meet your needs. like no offense, but I think I’m gonna choose to be happy rather than throwing myself into a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. 

BOOST lol

im a person who wants to do lots of things trapped inside a body that wants to SLEEP at all times

my dad got really cocky and brought home a 24-strong bunch of bananas 2 days ago and…..no one has eaten a single banana yet. he can’t go 15 minutes without saying “haha well, don’t forget to eat a banana” and it’s become a running joke & so obviously it’s very amusing for me to say “no. you have to face your consequences” and then we both laugh like it’s funny but there’s this panicked, high-strung edge to his laughter and i really just want to see how it all plays out when he finally snaps

i have some issues with my past self but she was young and i forgive her my real beef is with present me what is she doing im embarrassed to even look

i’m tired™

don’t worry, you’re still in the “early life” part of your wikipedia page

concept: a game called “john mulaney or cecil palmer?” where you have to guess if a quote was said by popular stand-up comedian john mulaney or fictional radio host cecil gershwin palmer

this might sound easy, but please keep in mind that john mulaney has said “whoa, that tall child looks terrible! get some rest, tall child! you can’t keep burning the candle at both ends!” and cecil palmer has said “alligators: can they kill your children? yes.”

People often say they hope their deceased pet dog is chasing squirrels in doggy heaven… what did all of those squirrels do to deserve an afterlife of torment?

Dog heaven is also squirrel hell it’s a very efficient system.

i can’t stop fucking laughing at the thought of squirrels sinning so much in the mortal plane that they have to be sent to squirrel hell to atone

They know that the bird feeder isn’t meant for them