Stand Up or Die

‪Why cant I hold a thought? Why do I have to argue and not just agree with myself about what bothers me? Alam mo yung,

"hindi okay lang yan"

"hindi e may mali"

"Baka di nila intention"

"Alam naman nila e bakit ginawa pa din?"

All the good days and I want them with you.

Good days are when you love me, too.

Bad days, sometimes, are after a long tiring day.

Sometimes, me.

But would you still want them (if you are) with me, or when they are me?

Can you love me on the bad days, too?

And that I always give everything. Yung dapat may natitirang self-love pero ayaw mong magkulang at sa tingin mo ang selfish nun kasi ibig sabihin you're not giving everything you have. Na kapag pagod at masakit na, you need to stop and look out for yourself muna, e pano yung isa? Na dahil inuna ko yung kelangan ko, napabayaan ko na sya. Na kahit pagod na, hanggang sa huling patak, you will choose to fight and look for why you should stay together pa din.

Maybe that's why im so scared and a control freak. Kasi im willing to give and set aside everything but i am no one's top choice or priority. That again, im wasting my time to people who wont see me. Or im doing everything to compete to be someone's number one priority. Kasi never nangyari yun. Na other people dont have to do anything and people will still choose and love them. Na kahit yung parehong magulang mo least favorite ka, that they only and finally like me kasi ako yung nakasama nila nung wala silang kasama. But I still love them kasi syempre magulang ko sila tsaka I've been wanting/working this my whole life, pota di pa ba ko sasaya.

And when someone comes, someone who notices you na, someone na pota finally sakin na to, di na alam kung anong gagawin. Na alam mo naman na malinis naman yung intention nila, but because may mga issues ka sa buhay, dadating yung time na qquestion-in mo sila. And no one wants their intentions to be questioned. Alam ko yun e. Alam ko naman kung ano yung dapat gawin. Na sinabi na nilang okay lang unahin ko yung sarili ko kasi andyan lang naman sya. Pero tangina. Pano ko nga gagawin? I've been like this for 25 yrs na, my whole life. Na ako lang tumitingin sa sarili ko. Tapos sasabihin mo na okay lang, chill na, ako na bahala sayo. Pota saglit. Alam ko. Alam ko naman. At tangina nagpapasalamat ako. Pero wait lang. Kasi eto lang yung alam kong way of living, hintay naman tayong maka-adjust. Di ko naman gustong ganto ko. Gusto mong magtiwala pero dahil sa issues and anxiety mo di mo magawa. Tangina, mumsh e.

Oh diba ang toxic ko. Pero kung kaya mo yan at may time at energy ka pa from work para sa mga gantong bagay, hit me up 😂😂😂

‪Ok. So nung ihahatid na namin si Jac. It's was midnight, madilim, puro maliliit na ilaw lang makikita mo sa malayo tsaka sa mga nadadaanang poste, walang traffic, from Cavite to Pque lang kami pero roadtrip na feels sakin, naka-shot gun pa ko and we're listening to the radio. Malungkot yung msgs ng songs para sakin pero upbeat sila so di mabigat sa loob sa sabayan. While singing along, i felt that this is ok, this is normal, i'll be ok, everything will ok. Alam mo yung sobrang di ka ok, tapos suddenly biglang ang positive ng feeling mo? Ganun. Punong puno ka ng hope. Di ko lang alam kung optimistic ako o may sakit talaga ko sa utak. Pagbaba ni jac muntik akong maiyak pero napigilan. Kahit pag uwi, walang tumulong luha.‬

‪Tapos ngayon gigising ka ng sobrang lungkot. Magigising ka dahil sa sobrang lungkot. Na akala mo namatayan ka *knock on wood* kasi naiwan ka na naman. Yung mga waking hours talaga yung dying hours mo e. Yung gusto mong tulog ka lang buong araw para wala kang maramdamang pain, pero paggising mo, tangina. ‬

‪Sabi ni ate, pinakamasakit daw yung mawalan ng mahal sa buhay kasi kahit anong mangyari di na sila babalik. Trudat. Sa tingin ko, susunod na pinakamasakit yung iwan kasi kahit anong gawin mo mas pinili na nyang umalis. Di ako galit na umalis si Jac kasi babalik naman sya pero siguro next week iiyak ulit ako kasi meron na talagang aalis at di na babalik. ‬

‪Di bale kapag napagod at feeling ko sobrang kawawa at pointless na ng ginagawa ko titigil na din ako. Hayaan nyo nalang muna ko na ganto‬.

"I love you always forever,

Near and far, closer together

Everywhere I will be with you"

"Kung lumisan ka, wag naman sana,

‪Maybe because mama used to leave the house for work even we're not yet done crying (because we dont want to be left with papa). Pwede ba kasing sumama nalang ako kay jac? 😣😣😣tho i dont hate jac for leaving. I hate that she needs to leave.