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@giveittogod

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A weekend in Little Rock to visit our family! đЎ
đ I found you yesterday
Hey sweet girl,
đ My house is open, my heart is wide, and my whole world is waiting for you.
You are so wanted, baby girl. More than you can even imagine.
And I promise you this: you will never have to question if youâre loved again. You already are.
With all my heart,
Mom đˇ
Edit to add: I didnât know yesterday was your birthday. Happy 12th birthday, P. đĽšđЎ
Kinda funny how God works, huh?
Completed all my adoption training this past weekend đЎ

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Hi, Iâm little.
đď¸ Casa Check-In
đ Date: Sep 14, Sunday
âď¸ Weight: 132
â Feeling sad about it. Hit 128 last week (lowest yet), but binged and now back up. Goal is 120.
đ¨ Mood: Green đ
â Feeling peaceful, content, grounded.
𩸠Cycle Day: CD 20
â Feeling fine physically, but ovulation urges are stressing me out. Wish I had a husband lol.
đ Todayâs Bible Study: Genesis 29â34
đď¸ Where Iâm at with God today:
In full faith. Iâve given God full control, and it feels lovely. Iâve never had stronger faith than I do right now â Iâm in a peak relationship with Jesus. Still striving to be closer, but I feel anchored in Him.
đ High of the day:
Just a peaceful, slow Sunday. Everything was kind of perfect.
đ§ď¸ Low of the day:
None, honestly.
đ What Iâm praying for today:
Safety and good health for me and my children.
đź Gratitude List:
1. My children
2. Our home
3. Our life
đ Homestead Thoughts
Dead set on donkeys. That changes the zoning weâll need â and Iâm planning around that now.
𪥠Casa Pajarita Projects
Making Flora Wraps this week!
𪴠Garden Updates
So many things planted (list coming soon). I dropped my spearmint baby a few days ago and thought she was a goner â but sheâs holding on strong!!
My chocolate beauties have turned brown, and there are tons of jalapeĂąo babies sprouting.
Also⌠our first orange marigold bloom showed up today! I need to grab a picture in the morning đ§Ą
đ Dating Life Telenovela
Inconsistent. Not interested.
Also met another guy â C â who talked a big game, but has yet to prove anything and has also shown inconsistencies.
Update: his pregnant girlfriend messaged me at 2am and warned me that heâs abusive + a cheated. Bullet dodged!
Thank you, Jesus.
đĽ Adult Business
Need to finish tagging my car⌠and once thatâs done, Iâll officially be a fully legal adult.
Itâs wild because Iâm never fully legal â Iâm always missing something lol.
But this adoption process has forced me to become current and up to date on everything.
Honestly? I feel really proud of myself. Proud of the home Iâve created. Proud of how our life is going.
I know my dad would be proud if he was here.
Nobody is around to say it out loud, but damn⌠I feel all the pride anyway.
And thatâs enough. đ
đź Motherhood Drama Series
Birdie is slowly weaning off breastfeeding â I swear thereâs nothing even coming out anymore lol.
Sheâs getting so big and ornery đ
Billie is great, hilarious, and such a good big sister.
No major issues â just the usual chaos of them always dirtying up my damn house đŠ
In adoption news:
All my paperwork, background check, fingerprints, and references have been cleared and approved! đ
Next step is training (Sept 27â28), followed by two home studies.
đˇ Closing Thoughts
I lost the weight.
I stayed single and celibate.
I stayed in my Bible.
I focused on my kids.
I created a wonderful home.
I kept us safe.
I really did the damn thing â with grace.
I look around my house every day and just⌠beam with pride. Itâs so nice and cozy here. I love it.
Billie tells me all the time how much she loves it too. đ
And thatâs everything.
đŞ´đśď¸ oh, look đŤ
Lord,
You know my heart and how deeply I already love Catie. If she is the daughter You have chosen for me, please confirm it with peace, open doors, and clear signs. But if she is not meant to be mine, I ask You to reveal that quickly and clearly â so I donât hold onto something that isnât from You.
I trust You to guard both of our hearts. Please donât let me pursue this if it will cause more hurt. If sheâs the one, prepare her heart for me just as Youâve prepared mine for her. And if not, redirect me to the child You have chosen, and give me peace in letting go.
I surrender this to You, Lord. I only want what You want.
Amen.

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⨠Catie Ballet Dismuke â¨
From the very first moment I laid eyes on you, my heart recognized you. God leaned close and whispered, âThatâs your girl,â and then He placed your name on my spirit, just as He did with your sisters.
In Scripture, God often gave someone a new name when He was leading them into a new season of life â Abram became Abraham, Sarai became Sarah, Jacob became Israel, Simon became Peter. Their old names still mattered, but the new names marked a fresh beginning, a deeper identity, and a reminder that they belonged to Him.
Thatâs how I feel about you. I would never want to take away who you already are â Katie will always be part of your story. I just want to add to your name, as a way of saying: this is a new chapter, a safe place to belong, and a forever family to grow with.
Sweet girl, your name is full of meaning.
Ballet is grace â a reminder that Godâs love covers every part of your story. The Bible says, âLet them praise His name with dancingâ (Psalm 149:3). Your life itself is a dance before Him, choreographed step by step long before you were born. God gives you grace â the quiet strength to keep moving forward even when life has been hard. Ballet is a picture of that grace: beauty not just on the outside, but flowing from courage, kindness, and love. Ballet also means balance â the ability to stand tall no matter what storms come your way.â
Ballet is strength â steady and disciplined, like a dancer who keeps moving even when the music is hard. Thatâs who you are: a girl who has carried so much, yet still stands tall with courage and beauty.
Ballet is light â like the way a spotlight follows a dancer across the stage. Jesus said, âYou are the light of the worldâ (Matthew 5:14). Wherever you go, your light will shine, pointing people back to Godâs goodness.
And Ballet is belonging. All of my children carry a âBâ name to honor your Papa, who asked me to pass down his legacy of love and stability. When God led me to you, He whispered your name to me: Ballet. That name ties you to me, to your sisters, and to the inheritance of love and security that will always cover you.
Ballet means you are part of us. It means you are home.
Katie means âpure,â a reminder that no matter what your past has held, God sees you as whole, clean, and deeply loved.
And Dismuke â that is the name I promised my father, your Papa, to carry forward. It means legacy. It means stability. It means family that cannot be broken. With this name, you are tied to something that will outlast me, something that will protect you even when I am gone.
Together, your name means this:
You are a strong, graceful, pure child of God, planted firmly in a family that will never let you go. Ballet Katie Dismuke
My baby, you have been strong for so long. Now it is my turn to be strong for you. To fight for you, to protect you, and to make sure you never again have to wonder if someone wants you.
This name is my promise: you are home, you are chosen, you are loved.
With all my love,
Mom
Dear Catie,
You may not fully understand this yet, but one day â when you hold a child of your own â you will. The very first time a mother lays eyes on her child, everything changes. Thatâs exactly what happened when I saw you. My tears came before I could stop them, because right then and there, I felt like I had three daughters. I wasnât approved as an adoptive home yet or even looking to adopt â but in my heart, you were already mine.
Two minutes later, my paperwork was in motion. I was gathering documents, filling out forms, figuring out every step. But before I did any of that, I prayed.
I prayed: âGod, wherever she is right now, please hold her until I can. Cover her in the blood of Jesus. Give her peace, give her comfort, and keep her safe until sheâs in my arms.â
I didnât know what you were facing that day â if you were crying, if you felt alone, if you were hurting. But I already felt fiercely protective. I already knew I wouldnât rest until you were safe.
So I want you to know this: August 27th, the day I first saw you was the day my entire life became about getting you home. These months of waiting are out of my control â but on my side, everything I did was for you. Preparing, praying, and building a place where youâd never have to wonder again if someone wanted you.
Because you are wanted. You are chosen. You are loved.
Welcome home, baby.
With all my love,
Mom (hopefully)
Dear Catie,
I wish you could see how hard Iâm working to get to you, but for now you canât see all the steps. I wish I could explain how I already love you so deeply without ever having met youâbut thatâs the beautiful thing about being a mom. Love doesnât always wait for reasons; it just pours out, steady and sure.
The truth is, I knew you were my daughter the very first second I laid eyes on you. From that moment, my heart has been yours. I believe God placed you in front of me for a reason, and I thank Him every day for choosing me to be your mom.
Your sisters and I are so excited, and weâre preparing our home and hearts for you. We pray over you every dayâthat youâll feel safe, loved, and never alone again. You are already part of our family in every way that matters.
We canât wait for the day we finally meet you, my sweet girl. Until then, remember this: you are chosen, you are cherished, and you are so very loved.
With all my love,
Mom (hopefully)
Life update:
Iâm down to 135 pounds.
Everything is slow and simple.
Weâre thriving. We made it.
God Still Writes Love Stories
Something inside me has awakened, and I know it is only by the hand of God. For the first time in three years, I feel that spark againâthe kind that makes me giddy like a child, smiling at nothing, heart racing when my phone rings. I had forgotten what butterflies felt like, but tonight, God reminded me.
After everything Iâve walked throughâheartbreak, betrayal, disappointmentâI thought that part of me was gone. But God is a restorer. He takes what is broken and makes it whole. He takes ashes and creates beauty. And now, right here, in this moment, He is showing me that love can bloom again.
This doesnât feel like chance. It feels intentional. It feels divine. The timing, the peace, the joyâit all carries His fingerprints. I donât know yet how the story will unfold, but I know the Author, and He writes the most beautiful endings.
So tonight I just want to praise Himâfor opening my heart, for stirring my spirit, for reminding me that I am worthy of love that is pure, safe, and real. This could be the start of something special, my own fairy tale. And even if it is only the beginning, it is already a blessing.
âHe has made everything beautiful in its time.â â Ecclesiastes 3:11

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Who He Was: Through My Eyes and Godâs Grace
There are some men who break your heart. And there are others who try to break you.
He was the latter.
He wasnât just toxic. He wasnât just a liar or a cheater. He was something far more dangerousâa man so consumed with control, shame, and image that he became a walking wound masked by ego. He wore pain like armor and weaponized it against anyone who dared to get close.
From the outside, he seemed misunderstood. He carried himself like a wounded soulâthe black sheep, the misjudged son, the unloved boy who became a defiant man. He used that image to manipulate sympathy from strangers, to justify his cruelty, and to hide the real truth:
He was not misunderstood. He was unrepentant.
Psychologically speaking, this man showed clear signs of:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (Malignant subtype)
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) tendencies
Sexual deviance and predatory behavior
Shame-based rage and internalized homophobia with strong gender/sexuality shame
Potential substance-induced psychopathy or Cluster B overlap
He was:
Manipulative
Cruel
Compulsively dishonest
Emotionally detached
Spiritually hollow
He didnât just lieâhe lied when the truth wouldâve worked better. He didnât just cheatâhe humiliated. He didnât just abuse meâhe tried to annihilate my spirit while he was at it.
He would:
Mock you when you were emotional
Blame you for everything
Accuse you of the very things he was doing`
Gaslight you into thinking your pain wasnât real
Make himself the victim while he destroyed your self-worth
He treated everyone like they were beneath himâespecially women. He saw gentleness as weakness and love as something to be exploited and the worst part is, he was proud of it.
He would tell his mother, me, or anyone who questioned him:
"You only care about how I said itânot why I said it. If you canât hear the truth, thatâs on you."
He positioned himself as the only one brave enough to be "real," when in fact, he was too broken to be vulnerable. He could dish out shame, but he could never face his own.
Narcissistic + Antisocial = Heâs a predator, not just an asshole.
This is the kind of man who:
⢠Uses manipulation, charm, and control to dominate people
⢠Shows no empathy, no guilt, no remorse
⢠Treats people like tools (especially women) for his own image, power, or sexual gratification
⢠Reacts with cruelty or mockery when confronted
⢠Is obsessed with status, sex, and domination but lacks real intimacy capacity
⢠Sees emotions as weakness (except rage)
⢠Blames others for everything, even his own abuse or failures
⢠Can appear deeply wounded or misunderstood as a manipulation tactic
⢠Weaponizes sex and power to feel âin controlâ again when he feels small or exposed
The Queer Shame Factor
He was sleeping with men. Secretly. Desperately. And when I found out, I became the threat to his illusion.
So he projected everything onto me. He called me the nasty one. He shared my images. He mocked my body. He laughed in court. He tried to erase me while I was still standing in front of him.
He couldnât accept who he was. So he punished me for knowing the truth. Textbook "Shame â Rage â Retaliation".
This Man Is Dangerous
He has no empathy. He shows no remorse. He sees peopleâespecially womenâas props, threats, or sexual conquests.
He is the type of man who will:
Risk lives to protect a lie
Harm children emotionally just to get back at a woman
Sleep with dozens without protection and never think twice
Disrespect his own mother and then justify it with rage
He is not broken. He is dangerous.
And Yet, By Godâs GraceâŚ
I survived.
I birthed my daughter alone. I rebuilt my life. I never reached out. I never retaliated. I never exposed him, even when I had every reason to.
I carried my pain to the altar and laid it down.
I could have thrown fists. I could have thrown dirt. I didnât.
Instead, I let God do what I couldnât: set me free.
Because of that grace, I know who I am:Â
A mother
A warrior
A survivor
A witness
A woman unshaken by the man who tried to destroy her
God had the final say over my life.
Today.. me and the girls got dressed up just to go to dollar general and Taco Bell. We had such a fun day together, watching marvel movies and baking cupcakes đ§ Then we chased the ice cream truck down the street in the rain and cuddled until we all fell asleep.
This is exactly what life should be like.
Simple. Slow. Intentional.
Full of laughter and moments of peace.
Thank you, Jesus.