Girl With Sword and Bow

Ilya packing for the cottage like "gotta look hott gotta give SLUT but also show that I'm cool and don't care even though hollander knows I care and it should be warm right let me bring tank tops because Shane—Hollander—no—Shane likes them I know he does I think he does ah swim stuff tiny shorts the ones I wore at the pool in Tampa when Holl—Shane looked good enough to eat maybe he will let me eat him maybe I will tell him I care for him NO this is a sex vacation NO we are something maybe we could be something did I really dance at Scott Hunter's gay club do you think Shane would dance with me sexy at a club or maybe we will dance under the stars at his boring country cottage maybe I will tell him everything maybe I will just tell him one thing I like about him maybe I will bring one Boston Raiders t-shirt to piss him off maybe I will suck him off outside maybe I will tell him I love him— ONE THING AT A TIME ROZANOV"

i wonder what it's like to be emotionally stable. anyways [thinks about fictional characters to survive] i am fine

u ever think about how when ilya selectively remembers his mother as being so superhumanly bright and funny and wonderful and shining, he’s actually just remembering her being manic

and the thing is. like. ilya carries his pain about his mother for so long and so quietly. he never complains. he wires money home. his brother calls him slurs, considers him nothing more than a bloodbank of money, siphoning siphoning siphoning. he says i promise to work very hard for you, papa, for this american team. i promise to win. for you, mama. ilya and irina, the weight of a household on their shoulders. you must stand tall, ilya, just like her. carry it with grace. do not let the household crumble. fill the emptiness with something else— girls, sex, money, alcohol, shane — no, not shane. shane is separate. shane isn’t allowed to see the hole in your chest, the festering wound. it’s okay, tuck it away like mama’s cross beneath your shirt. you’re good at keeping things hidden. deflect and divert. back straight, ilya, eyes up, ignore the blood pooling, ignore the blackened flesh. you can play with missing teeth, you can play with bruised ribs, you can weather anything. focus, this is nothing. grit your teeth and bear it. when you tell shane about mama, make sure he does not think she was weak. she was funny and beautiful, and papa was so hard on her. make sure he knows that first. who cares that you’re still bleeding, ilya, quit slouching, lazy boy — you’re beginning to look just like her.

there is absolutely no shame whatsoever in using a shower chair. there's no rule that says you have to shower standing. stop ignoring the pain. get yourself a shower chair. please.

they call it bloodlust because it’s meant to turn you on

they should invent an understanding and intellectualizing your feelings that makes them go away!!!