The Ramblings of an Insomniac

Will be leaving you alone

So you never have to deal

With me asking too many questions.

I'm sorry I ruin everything.

Another day

Where I'll never be

Ive fallen through the floor, the ceiling

I've blown out the windows.

I'd like to be the reason to stay.

The "no thanks, I'm good"

I'd like my heart to mean something

Somewhere, at some point in time.

Not just a cliff note in someone's story

Or a tattered bookmark, forgotten

Waiting to be discarded.

Why is it so hard?

I don't understand.

Are people made to be this way?

No loyalty, no shame.

What am I made for?

A prop. A stepping stone.

Your hands find me

A subtle reminder I'm not alone

Your kiss breaks dawn

Your touch fades the moon

As the night settles back to sleep

I lay close pondering

If loneliness will find me again

See love is a fickle thing

Time has taken its toll.

For I am like the moon, cratered

Destined to be forever changing

Laying in wait for the sun

Trapped by day, loose in the night

I'm not even worth staying awake for.

Yet here I am amongst the stars

Hoping the rays of love

Continue to shine down on me.

I am but a figment of the darkness

A shrine to lover's lost.

The howl to the night sky,

Sounds of waves crashing in the deep

As the sun crests over these lonely hills

I often contemplate how it must feel to be seen through the static.

Through the constant buzz and dings, glowing screens and replays.

How does it feel to be marveled like a sunset bursting in colors.

Or perhaps to be gazed upon like a full moon bursting with admiration and light.

To be silently understood like a picturesque view of the mountains on a sunny day. The quiet of the lake, the feel of grass beneath your feet, with the occasional visit of wildlife amongst the wildflowers.

What it must be like to be seen, in detail.

To just be and be admired for it.

The pause before the calculation,

The elevated tones and depth of your voice

I can feel the deceit, heavy in the air 

Like the demons in my brain slithering 

Out of my ears to slide their grimy fingers

Around my throat, like a noose.

I just want to be enough for once. 

To be the choice, and not a consolation.

I want to know what love feels like.

To be seen outright and still "it" 

To find comfort in honesty, laid foundation 

To build a home of peace and care 

A deep breathe after a long day, safe. 

I just want to be unforgivably genuine. 

To be someone's someone. 

I can empathize with the thunder.

Booms of rage echo through the valleys 

Sprawling green and lush, still. 

I can share in the magnification of lightening

Unapologetic strikes flash boldly 

There's a beauty to the silence 

Before the sky cracks wide open.

I fall in tune with the raindrops

Singing the earth's and wind's praise 

Drips of heaven, hushing the plains 

Gathering in puddles, mother's holy water. 

I sit in the storm in search of peace 

Clarity from the Earth, come back to me. 

Bare my roots, to the wet dirt, bury me. 

You'll never be good 

YOULL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH 

echos in my head 

I want so badly to reach out 

Grasp your hand 

To believe in the love 

You provide for me

To fall into your embrace 

And know, KNOW that

I am finally safe. 

When I reach, I'm just short,

When I fall, I miss, 

And I can't breathe. 

I can't breathe. 

I'm snuggled with love 

And handled with care 

Maybe someone chooses me first 

And I'm not left wondering 

Why knowing me more,

Always leads to loving me less. 

I'll be left broken hearted

To be always the bigger person.

That's my burden in this timeline. 

I DONT CARE ANYMORE

She screamed in fits of rage,

Plunged her bloodied fingers

In between the ribs of "Adam's" emptied cage

Ripped out the useless muscle

And tossed it to the Earth.

It's gone, she cried, peace at last,

She softened at her baby's sigh

The pain dulled, faded.

Baby's snuggled in, dreaming far away

Another heartless mother born

She cradled her child with care

One foot in front of the other